The Shat

William Fucking Shatner.

The final debate was last week. Yank yank, squirt squirt. I've been meaning to post on it, but just didn't care. I hate to say this, but I thought Bush actually won that one. I thought he did pretty good, and not just pretty good for Bush. It seemed like he had a quick and effective response to a lot of what Kerry had to say, and Kerry either countered weakly or didn't counter at all on a lot of stuff. Kerry seemed more evasive than usual. Some of his non-response responses were, well, Bush-like. Kerry never seemed to fall into any kind of groove like you'd expect since this was the debate on domestic issues, which was supposed to be his area to shine.

Now, I'm not saying that Kerry didn't do pretty well. It just wasn't quite what I was expecting. Maybe I'm once again being extra hard on Kerry since I'm expecting him to just tear ass since I know he's much more thoughtful, much better informed, and overall just smarter than Bush. By now, though, I should know that he's not just going to go all-out like I'm hoping for; that's just what we're stuck with in politics these days from both sides.

I was rather surprised when there was a lot of opinion floating around out there that Kerry was the clear winner in the debate. I was thinking, okay, maybe it's just because I'm not that smart. Once ETP and I got a chance to talk it over, though, we were pretty much in agreement (odd since that never happens), so at least I wasn't the only one. But we seemed to be pretty much the only ones who were thinking that.

If indeed we are right and Bush did do better, then I realized that something interesting might be happening. Maybe, just maybe, after all this time of buying into Bush's bullshit, people are finally starting to buy into Kerry's bullshit. Yes, I think Kerry is full of shit. They're all full of shit; I just happen to find Bush's bullshitting way more dangerous than, well, just about anyone else's.

Fuck.

So I made the mistake/had the pleasure of test-driving the 325i yesterday. And yeah, it's a pretty nice fucking car. A fun drive. After we left the dealership, ETP just looked at me and said "You're going to do it, aren't you?" And all I could say was, "Yeah."

As I've pointed out before, if I want something really fast and decently cheap, I can get a WRX tomorrow. If I wanted something that's nicer all around but not as fast, I could get an RSX-S. Since I'm willing to sacrifice performance for luxury and overall snob attitude, I could go for the TSX. But none of those are the total package that is... The Bimmer. I have to have one now.

One nice thing about test-driving the BMW was that the salesguy actually encouraged me to abuse the car a little since, well, that's what they're built for. So we took some windy roads at high speeds. We ran through dips at speeds that would cause a lesser car to bottom out. We slammed on the brakes just to see how it felt. Apparently, 50/50 weight distribution is pretty neat.

All of this is, of course, part of my quest to get back to the glory days of the Audi. The 325 didn't have quite the same punch when I hit the accelerator as the A4 did -- at least not when I was already moving. This makes sense since the A4 I was driving was the 2.8, which I'm pretty sure was the top of that line back in its day (not counting the little beast that is the S4), and the 325 is the low-end 3 Series. It may have been pretty close, though. Off a dead start, however, I know I could do better than that PussyStick Audi as long as I have a manual.

As far as BMW's transmission goes, well, I can't really say for sure since I still suck with a manual. I know for sure that that's what I'll be getting, regardless of where I'm at now. One thing I can say for sure about the TSX is that I really liked its transmission despite my total lack of skill. Not only nice that it was a six-speed (as opposed to five on the 325) short-throw, but that thing was just fucking smooth. I caught the hang of it pretty easily, as opposed to the 325 which I had definite trouble with. Again, the trouble was due to my inexperience, but there's no doubt that Acura knows what the fuck they're doing when it comes to making transmissions. Just ask ETP; he knows way better than me.

The other nice thing about the TSX is that it comes fully loaded with pretty much everything I want in a car at a good price. BOETP's dad bought a TSX not too long ago, and as he put it, the TSX didn't force him to make any choices. Your major options on the TSX are manual or automatic, navigation system or not. Yeah, lots of little things can be added, but the big things -- moonroof, power heated seats with leather, shit like that, are all standard. Contrast this with a 325, where everything is a goddamn option. Fold-down rear seats are an option, for Christ's fucking sake. When I spec out the 325 I want, I pretty much end up building a 330 (minus things that you can only get with the 330, like the engine, tranny, and minor cosmetic details), which comes standard with a lot more stuff.

Overall, I was finally able to get a real sense for what I already knew -- that the Bimmer is a car truly worthy of the asshole I am. Yes, I'd be happy with the TSX. But I wouldn't be satisfied. Yes, I'm a spoiled little prick.

Yup. Project 3 Series is in full effect. It's going to be quite awhile before it comes to full fruition, though, if it ever actually does. If I do get one, I'm going to hold off for a few months to see if I can get some kind of year-end incentives (keeping in mind that the 3 Series model year for '05 is pretty short since the '06 is coming out relatively early). Even once I decide to get one, it's probably going to be quite awhile after that since I'm most likely going to have to order one and have it custom built. Sadly, not many Bimmers are sold with a manual (at least not the one I'm looking for), and chances are even slimmer that a dealer will have a manual in stock with the color I want (oxford green, which isn't all that common, even though it looks fucking slick). So, once I place an order, it will be about 90 days or so before it arrives.

So yeah, it's going to be awhile, if it even happens. Which is good. Although I can't say I'm thrilled, having the Civic back isn't too bad. I don't need a new car, it's just that I fucking need it. This will give me time to get a lot of high-priority shit for the house out of the way. It'll give me time to continue my push for fiscal responsibility -- something that's actually kinda happening. I say "kinda" just since I'm not spending much money on a bunch of frivolous stuff I don't need, but I am burning cash for new stuff for the house, which, let's face it, needs to be done. And, of course, the drive for being smart with money is all just so that I can go out and do something really stupid with money. But, of course, that's me. Also, this allows for plenty of time for something catastrophic to happen that will put an end to the dream entirely, so I'm looking forward to that.

Okay, so this is the second big post in not all that long on the stupid BMW mission. Like I said; that's what's occupying a good deal of my goddamn thoughts, so it's bound to spill out here. But this should put an end to this nonsense talk for the time being. Maybe.

Seriously? You mean to tell me that The New York Times is left-leaning? Better not tell Bill O'Reilly, because he's going to have a fucking aneurysm. Just as soon as he gets done fending off charges of sexual harassment.

So Martha is in prison now. She's getting gifts and money from people. She might sign a book deal that'll bring in some jack. Remember how they went after Martha to make an example of her for all the other corporate crooks? You know, the ones they could have (and should have) really been going after, but decided to all but ignore so that they could go for the headline-grabbing celebrity instead? Hey, I'm not saying that Martha isn't a cook crook (that wasn't an attempt at a shitty joke; I actually mis-typed that at first and found it funny once I'd noticed... leave me alone) -- she's most certainly a bitch, but that isn't a prosecutable offense -- but there were much bigger fish to fry (something I'm sure she could all tell us a thing or two about). In the end, though, this is what happens to the big "example"? Love, support, and cash? Man, say what you want about communist countries and other opressive regimes, but when they made an example of someone, they made a fucking example of them. I suppose you could twist this around and say that this shows what a great country of opportunity the US is, if even the most downtrodden in the jails can make the best of it, but you'd be wrong.

There's a reason why the American political arena has gotten so ugly: because we love it. Politics, if nothing else, is god damn entertaining, and we're a nation that needs to be entertained. That's why Clinton was such a great president. It's not that he did anything spectacular, but he kept this country entertained for eight fucking years. We're also a group of people who likes seeing things like car wrecks, and politics is the governmental equivalent of one huge pileup. Only with this scene, no police or paramedics show up to make things better, and the cars and the bodies just keep piling up.

Yeah, but you know what? You're still never going to win an Oscar, dickhead. Nothing was funnier than a couple of years ago when that movie The Majestic was coming out, or as I liked to call it Please Give Jim Carrey an Oscar. They were really playing up his big dramatic role, running commercials that were mini-interviews to show that he was all serious and stuff. And then... Nothing happened. That made me smile.

Spam:

Stupid prostitute cheating

A prostitute cheating? On what? Her mid-terms?

Oh, hey, the second debate between Droopy and Dumbass was last Friday. And, yeah. Nobody wins. I thought Kerry did decently well, but I felt like he had some momentum building during the first part of the debate that he never capitalized on. Bush was, well, Bush. Not as bad as in the first debate, but "not looking like a complete fucking retard" isn't exactly something to be proud of.

Kerry did have some great lines, though, like when he referred to the Clear Skies Act as being "Orwellian" in name. Now, I realize that the average dumbshit voter probably doesn't know what the hell "Orwellian" means, but that kind of stuff still gets me fired up. Hearing him say that, I was like, damn. Maybe we can win this thing. But probably not.

I also liked when Bush was talking about how sanctions against Iraq weren't working, and then Kerry immediately follows up by showing that they were working, as the whole idea was to get Saddam to disarm and, lo and behold, Saddam was disarmed. I know this is a really simple thing, but I've been waiting at least a fucking year for someone to slam Bush on that bullshit.

Another great line was when they were arguing about parental notification for when an underage girl has an abortion. Bush comes out for it, thinking he's going to make Kerry look bad, and Kerry comes back with something along the lines of "I'm not going to require a fifteen-year-old girl who's been raped by her father to notify her father that she's going to have an abortion." That was not only a well-delivered line, but it's also the exact right response to that issue.

Like I said, though, in the end no one really came out that far ahead. I guess the worthless opinion polls are giving Kerry an edge, but that's irrelevant. Kerry had some momentum going into the second debate, and being much smarter than Bush, he should have made the most of it and fucking buried Bush. I'm glad that Kerry got a boost from the first debate, but he needs all the help that he can get coming down to what will probably be an ugly last few weeks. We'll see what happens on Wednesday, which will probably be nothing.

Hey, while I'm here: is it just me, or is Blogger fucking slow as shit lately? I obviously haven't been posting much for the last several weeks, but it seems like every time I actually want to post, it takes for fucking ever whenever I try and do anything. There have been a bunch of times where I click on something, the browser seems to be endlessly spinning its wheels, and I just say "fuck it." You know, I'm not going to wait seven-and-a-half seconds for some shit to load; if it's not here NOW I'm gone.

So yeah, where the hell have I been? Surely I couldn't have been masturbating all this time. And it's like, yeah, I could have been. I wasn't, but I could have been. Work's been keeping me pretty busy. Yes, I know. It wasn't that long ago that I had this big long post, contained in which was a bunch of bitching about how work was slow and I was all worried that I'd get laid off. See? That's the power of negative thinking right there: complain enough about something, and good things will happen. If for no other reason, I think good things come from a bad attitude just so that you'll shut the fuck up and stop annoying the hell out of everyone else. And relax. I'm still going to get laid off and shit, I just know it.

A big project finally came my way, so that's good. I like being busy, and I can use the overtime to help pay off shit like my Pottery Barn couch and loveseat that won't even be here for another month and a half. This project will be going on until at least early December, unless if I get really hard-core and get shit done before that. After which, well, it'll probably go back to being slow as shit. I need to continue busting ass, though, to both delay the inevitable layoff and to get my ass promoted to circuit designer.

Aside from work, whenever I'm home and could be posting, I'm half the time not motivated. Still sick of politics, still sick of everything else. Plus the aforementioned Blogger nonsense. So, what am I doing with my time? Well, there has been, of course, lots of time spent jerking off. Hey, I just said it wasn't what was taking up all my time, I never said it wasn't taking up a significant amount of time. Those fucking dirty Internet chatrooms are a bad mix with my OCD.

I sleep every now and then, and other than that, the rest of my time is occupied dreaming about Project 3 Series (not to be confused with Project Mayhem). And... That's pretty much it. So there you go; for the one-and-a-half people out there who give a shit (I don't know who the half person is, nor do I know what the fuck's the matter with them), that's been my past few weeks or so.

Hey, I need to know the rest of the story. Did the guy impress his wife and save his marriage or not? Yeah, it'll work.

Fuck this game!

Okay, America -- you can wake up any day now and come to the realization that Team Bush is a shitty leader. This is the second head of the Iraq Survey Group that has come out and basically said "We done fucked up." TB can spin it any way they want but one ugly fact remains: their original premise, plain and simple, was that Saddam possessed WMD which were an imminent threat to the United States, and this premise was DEAD WRONG. Regardless of whether or not they outright lied, it is incontrovertible that what they told us was not true.

I know, I know. They were just working on the intelligence they were given, and the intelligence turned out to be faulty. Well, you know what? That's still your fucking fault, Team Bush. Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld and Paul Wolfowitz and Doug Feith and Richard Perle and all those other Neocon & Project for a New American Century guys decided long before 9/11 that Saddam needed to be taken out. When they heard the "intelligence" that supported their desired actions, they sure as hell weren't going to bother doing any work to make sure it was solid. They had the "evidence" they needed and the excuse they needed, namely 9/11.

To say it again, they were wrong. Bush has been running around continually saying something to the effect of "The terrorists only need to be right once; we need to be right every single time." Well, by his logic, shouldn't his team be out on its ass since they were wrong on Iraq? After all, these are the fuckers who are supposedly doing such a great job of protecting us. Look, I know that it's ridiculous to expect them to be right 100% of the time, but they're the ones trumpeting that nonsense, not me. I'm just holding them up to the standards that they set. Isn't being able to use people's own words against them neat?

Tucker Carlson, a right-leaning pundit who's not a big fan of how Iraq has gone, was on Real Time this past weekend. He said that this election really does come down to Iraq. If you like the Iraq war, you'll vote for Bush. If not, you won't. I hate boiling down something as big as a Presidential election to just one thing -- it smacks of assholes who vote on a single issue, like which candidate is pro- or anti-gun -- but that is a good way to put it. The Iraq war speaks to so much more than just the war itself. It shows the character of Team Bush as a leader. It shows how far they're willing to go and what they're willing to get us involved in even if there's no real purpose. They're going to do nothing but gamble and spin to get their way, and we'll pay the price for whatever goes wrong -- not them. George Bush talks about what a strong and capable leader he is, but how strong and capable are you if you do nothing but play Russian roulette with American lives and credibility?

Oh, and if we want to keep from oversimplifying, we can always bring in all of the social and economic issues that Team Bush brings to the table, but I'm not in the mood to get into any of that here.

While we're on the subject of politics, the vice presidential debate was last night. I'm gonna go with what Jim Rome says when there's nothing but shitty submissions for the e-mail contest: nobody wins. I missed about the first 15 minutes of it, and I was only listening on the radio. It was pretty ugly in the beginning, and then settled down as things went along. I figured going in that it would be a decent match-up. Unlike Bush, I knew that Dick Cheney went into a debate confident. Probably prepared, too. John Edwards, on the other hand, probably wasn't too worried, either. I don't think anyone knows this, but they guy used to be a trial lawyer, so he's used to sitting down and arguing with people.

One thing ETP was hoping for going into the debate was that Edwards would use some of his lawyering smarts to get Cheney to snap and tell him to go fuck himself or something. I was like, yeah, that'd be great if Edwards could push the right buttons, and then Cheney's host body would split open so that the beast could finally come out. Alas, we didn't get to see any of what we were hoping for. Of course, since I only got the audio, I couldn't have seen it anyway -- but I probably would have read something about it today.

If I had to declare a winner from last night's debate, I would have to go with... The moderator. She was fucking great. Like when she tells Cheney he has 30 or 90 seconds to respond (I can't remember which), and Cheney says "It's going to take more time than that" to which she says -- cool and smooth as shit -- "Well, that's all you've got." I was like, damn.

Okay, that's enough. I'm going to crawl back into my hole of being sick of politics again.

MY EMPIRE IS CRUMBLING!!!!!

Okay, everyone can come back into the room now. Better strap yourselves in and pop yourself a Gleemonex; we're all going to need it.

Yes, the kingdom has fallen. I am no longer living in Audi Arabia. It's been a few days, actually. Ask ETP and BOETP-- I'm kinda depressed. I mean, it is nice having my car back now that it's all fixed up instead of having the driver's side all mashed in and oh who am I kidding.

Where are my six cylinders? Where are my leather seats? Where are my HID (Highly Irritating to Drivers) headlamps? Where are my auto-dimming mirrors (which I didn't even care for)? Where are my foglights? Where is the little "poop!" sound when I lock the doors? Where is my all-wheel drive? Where is my bullshit wood trim? Where's my extra set of doors so that BOETP can get in and out unencumbered? Yes, oh yes, where is my PussyStick? Where is my key? Where the FUCK is my KEY?

Next to the bullshit wood trim -- and quite possibly surpassing it -- the key for this car was the best part. The key and remote were integrated into one unit so that when you pressed a small button on the remote, the key would swing out from the side kinda like a motherfucking switchblade. I couldn't help it, I just felt cool every time I busted the key out. I knew I really wasn't cool, but popping out the key made me feel like I could maybe look like I was smooth and cool some day. That's how powerful it was.

Just the whole damn car had a total bullshit effect on me. Again, ask ETP or BOETP. I was living the life of the yuppie asshole I've simultaneously always hated and always wanted to be. I'd pull up next to another driver in an Audi, look over, and say "What's up, fellow Audi driver?" Of course, it was all an illusion, but you know what? Playing pretend is fun. We don't do enough of that as (pseudo) adults.

Yeah, a lot of the allure was nonsense image. I felt like maybe others might think I was someone. Again, all bullshit. Yeah, people probably thought I was someone, alright. Someone whose parents are rich who bought their shit kid a nice car (keep in mind that I look like I'm 12). And my response to that was, of course, that I earned that car... Or at least I could have earned it.

Other than the ego crap, it was quite a bit of fun to drive, even with the much-maligned PussyStick. I used PussyStick almost exclusively since it was marginally more interesting to drive than a normal automatic. ETP put it best when he said that it's like trying to fuck with a limp dick -- yeah, you're limp, but at least you're fucking.

That goddamn PussyStick presented one of the first big problems in re-adjusting. I'm not proud to say it, but there has been more than one occasion over the past few days where I've moved the gearshift out of "Drive" to try and get back to the feeling of PussyStick. Even though that's basically what PussyStick is (especially with Audi's implementation; not sure what others are like), it's still not the same.

And of course, I just can't go as fucking fast. Not like I was tear-assing all over the place, but I could if I needed to. One of my favorite things was making this turn close to my house that I go through every day. Starting from a standing stop, I'd be at like 35-40 well before I came out of the turn with shit flying around in the car with those four wheels gripping the road. You know, nothing spectacular, but more than my Civic can do.

Ever since I had to give up the Audi, I've driven both my Civic and my mother's Accord. Both cars are decent, with the Accord obviously being the nicer one. Even driving the nicer Accord isn't going to be any fun anymore. I realized what the essence of it was, at least in the power regime: when I hit the gas in any of our Hondas, there's just no sense of urgency in those cars like there was in the Audi. Of course, should you buy something like an A4, you're paying tens of thousands more for that urgency. And, again, not like I need that urgency, but I fucking need it.

That car was with me for way longer than I had thought. Originally, it's like one-and-a-half to two weeks tops, right? That, or, more than a month. Every weekend when we get together, I'd always be enthusiastic to be the one to drive us around since "this is my last weekend with the Audi."

After, I dunno, about 37 last weekends, it turned into nothing more than a month-long cocktease. That was more than just regular ol' loaner car experience. That car and I bonded. God damn it; I re-filled her washer fluid. What we had meant something. And now it's all over.

Taking that car back was anticipatedly painful. Driving down the last stretch of road before pulling into the bodyshop's lot, I'm man enough to admit that I was about to cry. It felt like I was taking my best friend to be shot or something. It sucked is what I'm trying to say.

What sucks even more is this transition back into being a loser who drives a Civic (as opposed to a loser who drives an Audi... that isn't his). The transition isn't going to be hard just for me, but for the few people who are unlucky enough to hang around me. They're pretty much going to have to hear nothing but nonstop crap about my quest for a new car until I A) get a new one or B) realize that it's not going to happen. So, yeah, I'm sorry.

Hey, while we're at it, anyone wanna buy a '98 Civic HX with 90K miles on it? It's in all-around great condition, and the accident was only body damage which has now been fixed.

Yeah, that's all it's been for the past few weeks. Gotta get a new car. Gotta get something nice with that bullshit wood trim I like so much. Which means, of course, that Project 3-Series is in full effect. Now, I don't need a 3-series, but I fucking need it.

Yeah, I could find myself a nicer car. Yeah, I could find one way faster. I could even find something else with that bullshit wood trim. But once I set my sights on something, that's pretty much it. Nothing is going to make me feel like quite the asshole that I'd feel like in a Bimmer. Besides, getting one would be completely hypocritical, and, let's face it -- that's just my style.

My backup is the Acura TSX. I testdrove one a few weeks ago, and yeah, that's a pretty nice car. I know that I'm a huge fucking prick when that's my "backup." I mean, seriously. That car just felt good to drive. It comes loaded with pretty much all the features you could want (as opposed to a 325i, where damn near everything is a fucking option). If I get a red or a black one, I can get the leather interior color that comes along with bullshit wood trim (which means that I'll get a red one since black cars, while fucking slick, are too damn hard to keep looking clean). Since I have an "in" at an Acura dealership, I could get a decent deal on one. But I just know I'm not going to be fully happy with anything less than a 3-series, even if I settle for the 325 as opposed to the 330.

I'm kind of in a crunch, too. The 2005 model year is going to be very short for the 3-series since the '06 is going to be introduced in about six months. I don't think I like the look of the '06 (which you can see a couple of shots of here) as much as the clean look of the current incarnation. So we'll see what happens.

Anyway, yeah, that's a good deal of what's been occupying my mind for the past few weeks. Scheming ways to free up or make cash, coming up with budgets; all that materialistic, money-driven shit. Pretty much the same thing I've done with all 25 years of my life. But oh effing well. Driving that Audi was like being wrapped inside joy, and now all Dr. Soran wants is to get back to the Nexus.

Yeah, it is pretty pathetic for Team Bush to be going after this. But you knew they were going to find something to attack, and if that's the biggest criticism they can muster, then Kerry is in good shape coming out of that first debate. You know, the debate where Kerry totally kicked ass without doing anything really spectacular; it's he was just up against a man who pretty much can't do anything you'd expect out of a president. Anyway, Kerry should have explained himself better in the debate on the "global test" business, but oh well.

"I don't understand 'proving to the world that you did it for legitimate reasons,' " she said.

I've always viewed Condoleeza rice as a token. Sorry, I just can't help it when it comes to the Republicans. Yeah, it's not like the Democrats don't pander to and kiss ass with people who aren't rich white men, but it doesn't come across as hollow when coming from the D side since that is, after all, their base. It's not completely disingenuous to have Blacks and Hispanics and women and whatnot up on stage at the DNC, as opposed to, say, Chaka Khan performing at the RNC.

What the fuck was I talking about? Oh yeah -- Condi Rice. Yeah, a token. My belief in that never detracted from the corollary belief that she was undoubtedly a smart woman. But if she really doesn't understand what "proving to the world that you did it for legitimate reasons" means, or if she thinks that she can convince people that she doesn't get it, then it looks like she's stupid after all, too.

Note to Markus: you are a stupid fucking piece of shit, and I hope you die in the next big terror attack. The same goes for any other retarded little fuckshits who think they're all smart and clever by saying stupid crap in guestbooks. And hey, if you're going to do it, at least learn to use proper grammar and spell shit properly. You make yourself look worser when you do it that way, and it fills us with nothing but hatriot towards you.

You guys do realize that my website is NOTHING but a bunch of words used as filler to string together repeated uses and variations of the word "fuck," but as yet I still come off as better educated and more articulate than you brain stems.

The only thing that keeps me from banning you cretins and/or deleting your guestbook entries is that, quite frankly, it's highly amusing watching someone else embarrass themselves for a change. Here's a tip, though. If you want to spout off your worthless opinion that no one gives a flying fuck about, do what any decent asshole -- like myself -- does: start a 'blog of your own.

You liberals should be ashamed of yourselves for calling Iyad Allawi a "puppet." He is a courageous man who's fighting for the people of his country! Oh, wait, maybe you're saying that because he IS a puppet.

Even if Team Bush didn't write a good deal of the speech, does it matter? Anyone who thinks about things for, I dunno, more than three seconds knows that Allawi is far from an objective source. Yeah, the former CIA operative is going to criticize the people who gave him his current job and say things that will make them look bad. People in that position typically bite the hand that feeds them, especially when that hand is occupying their fucking country.

Shit, if nothing else, he's kissing ass so that a year or two down the road he doesn't have to pop up every once in awhile like Hamid Karzai saying "Please don't forget about us (even though you already have...)!" Of course, Afghanistan was just an unwanted bump in the road to get to what the administration had wanted to do way before 9/11 -- Iraq -- so I doubt they'd just ditch Iraq as well. But you never know with those fuckers.

Round one... Fight!

So the first of three debates nearly as sterile as the candidates themselves was this evening. And I've gotta say... Not too bad. Not really stellar, but not too bad. Kerry looked good up there. Bush, well, looked like Bush.

Is this any kind of surprise, though? Beforehand, a bunch of people were like "This could make or break the election! This could make or break the election!" Well, not really. At least, not when it comes to making the election for Bush or breaking it for Kerry. We all know that Bush is, ah, let's just come out and say it -- a shitty speaker. I mean, repugnantly awful for someone who ostensibly has a lot of power and influence. He's not a particularly rousing speaker, either. We all remember his RNC speech which was... Adequate. It was pretty much nothing but a bunch of people clapping at the shit they like being spoonfed anyway. Same thing tonight -- Bush repeated what you'd expect him to, but there was no way he was going to burn down the house like a Reagan or a Clinton.

John Kerry pretty much had to keep from drooling on himself and it was surefire that he would at least look adequate as well. The main concern, undoubtedly, was that he would come off as wooden or distant and fuck himself or get fucked (depending on how you look at it) like Al Gore four years ago.

Kerry did quite a bit more than not drool on himself. He was pretty solid up there. He spoke concisely and made his points. He pronounced "nuclear" properly. God, I just wanted him to go slap Bush in the mouth everytime he mispronounced it. Kerry looked like a man who at least has his shit reasonably well put together. Much more the kind of guy you'd feel at least somewhat secure leaving to run the country. What do you expect, though? He's a fucking educated man who's spent decades in the Senate. Oh, but what about Bush, you say? He went to Yale, and he's president! Yeah. Joke and joke.

The thing I liked best about Kerry's performance was that he was all over the place. Not in a helter-skelter, I-don't-know-what-the-fuck-I'm-doing kinda way, though, unlike someone we know. No, He just managed to hit everything he could in the time allowed while keeping it all tied together. Bush, on the other hand, got across one or two points the entire night (or at least tried to), the main one of them being that you have to be consistent. Or something. Seriously, how many fucking times did Bush talk about how you can't change your mind and blah blah blah?

Before this first debate, all we could hear was that Bush has never lost a debate and, as such, that he's a great debater. And it's like, no he isn't. He's Bush. Haven't you been paying attention for the last FOUR FUCKING YEARS? Oh, that's right -- you haven't.

I know that Kerry must have done a decent job despite my biases since Fox's commentators were being pretty positive with regards to his performance. When you've got the editorial staff of The Weekly Standard giving Kerry points, you know he did something good.

Of course, Kerry was far from perfect. He didn't exactly burn the place down, either. In some ways he was pretty lucky, because there were lots of times that anyone but Bush could have nailed Kerry on a particular point. Bush, the great debater that he is, failed to capitalize. Kerry, on the other hand, had opportunities where he could have really buried Bush on some stuff, or at least clarified a Bush distortion or hammered home a point, but didn't. Like I said, not perfect.

I just wish we could have at least one debate that's totally free-form. Just put these two in a cage -- no moderator, no handlers, no bullshit, just let them have at eachother. Rhetorically, of course. I'm not sure that we're at the point where even we're ready to turn presidential races into bloodsport, but yeah, maybe. Anyway, if these two could just sit down and argue shit out, and furthermore if Kerry didn't hold back at all, I know Kerry would rip Bush to shreds. I've had my own fair share of criticism for John Kerry, but I have no doubt that the man is a hundred times smarter than Bush. Hell, the floater I flushed down the toilet awhile ago is at least ten times the intellect that Bush is, so I know Kerry could shine against Bush if the shackles were undone.

One down, two to go. I don't know if this helped Kerry's chances a great deal, but I just don't see how it could have hurt.

I love The Onion. I also care a great deal for the "National Outlook" on this page.

Google search:

gynecological DNC

I've gotten a hit of this nature at least twice, and the best I can figure is that the searcher is looking for a discussion of how the DNC was a total clinic in looking at nothing but a bunch of pussies.

Get your drink on

Steve Colbert: it's French... Bitch.

While we're in the groove with random product reviews, ETP and I tried an utterly atrocious beer this weekend: Wexford Irish Cream Ale. It tastes like fucking medicine, and proves that just because it's got the little ball of compressed gases like Guinness doesn't mean it's good. ETP and I were able to get down a few sips before it went down the drain.

The worst thing about it was that those few sips destroyed my palette for the rest of the night. Nothing tasted right for the rest of the evening, and I couldn't even enjoy my beloved Fuller's ESB after that.

Last week just wasn't a good week when it came to bad aftertastes. Don't get any dirty ideas; I've already gotten used to that aftertaste. What exactly "that" is referring to is up to you; if you decide to go homoerotic that's just fine since that's where I was headed. Anyway, one day at work I decided to try a piece of candy from Korea that someone brought in. After about three seconds in my mouth, I was like, this tastes like potting soil. Not that I eat a lot of potting soil, but if I did that's what I'd imagine it must taste like. Like the Wexford I couldn't get rid of the taste for quite some time, and all I could think of for the several hours following that brief taste of the candy was "What the fuck is wrong with Korean people?" But at least they're not making scheisse flicks. Or at least, not that I know of, and even with my sick mind I don't fucking want to know if they are.

Alright, back to beer. If you're looking for a good beer, that Fuller's ESB is one to check out if you can find it. The ESB, as you may already know (in other words, if you're an alcoholic like me... because, yeah, having any knowledge of alcohol automatically makes you an alkie), stands for extra special bitter. Of course, if you don't like bitter beers, Fuller's ESB isn't for you. And, you're a pussy. Seriously, everyone knows Keystone, right? The real alcoholics know Keystone well, I'm sure. Keystone's mission is to stamp out "bitter beer face." And all I can say is... Fuck you! For me, bitter beer face is a big-ass smile. You can take your watered-down piss-water and, well, do whatever the fuck you want with it, because I won't be drinking it.

Another quality brew I've been consistently buying for the past few months is Breckenridge Brewery's oatmeal stout. The first time I had one, all I could do was repeat the cycle of taking a drink and then looking at the bottle, saying to myself "This is a good beer." Since it's one of the smaller breweries here in Colorado I don't know how far from home it's sold, but if you find it and you go for this kind of beer, I'd recommend checking it out.

I'm sure it's apparent by now that my taste in beers tilts heavily towards dark and flavorful. My worst enemy is the pale ale, my best friend is the stout.

As a fun fact for the day, Guinness in particular is not only tasty, but it's also healthy. Low in calories and high in iron. My step-dad's mother was telling us this story of growing up in England and how she was anemic as a child. To combat this, her parents would give her a bit of Guinness mixed with milk. She's not anemic anymore, and it's not because of the milk.

Okay, so I've managed to post about cream corn, how I need to find Fluke only in woman form, and beer, all in one night. Yeah, I don't sound like a drunk or anything.

Six Discs in My Changer

As a preface to this post, if you don't know who Fluke is, then you're living under a huge rock as you've somehow avoided hearing both "Atom Bomb" and "Absurd" for the past several years even though they've been all over the place. Also, if this description fits you, you're missing out and your life sucks.

Okay, so I got two new Fluke CDs over the weekend. By new, of course, I mean old -- Oto and Six Wheels on My Wagon. I hadn't picked these up yet since, naturally, they're only available as imports since we don't get anything good here because America sucks. I mean, it's no wonder us liberals hate America so much -- we can't even get our Fluke fix without having to go overseas.

Oh, and before you start in with that "Well, if you hate it so much, why don't you just leave?" bullshit, stop. Quit thinking you're clever, because you're not.

So far, I fucking love SWOMW. I've been playing it pretty much non-stop for the past several days. As such, what happened with the three-disc Progressive History XXX (AKA Hardcore, as opposed to the domestic Progressive History X, otherwise known as Softcore -- not a value judgment, by the way, because both compilations fucking rule) is happening with these two new discs. You see, with Hardcore, I almost always listen to disc 1. Yes, there's lots of cool stuff on the other two, but lots of times when I consider listening to one of them, I'm like, "Shit, I could be listening to disc 1 right now. It has track two, the second best track from anywhere."

As such, discs 2 and 3 get neglected, even though they don't deserve it. So far, Oto is suffering this fate. I just can't stop listening to SWOMW (unless of course if I'm listening to Hardcore disc 1, as I am right now). Maybe once I get my shit together and hit more of Oto we can buck this trend, but I'm not making any promises.

For some reason, I just don't get sick of any of these damn Fluke CDs, whether I listen to any particular disc constantly or just every now and then. It's been nice, because it's meant that I haven't had a continual driving urge to buy new music for quite some time now. This is useful for A) the wallet and B) the fact that there's virtually nothing but crap out there anyway. Not that I don't pick up new CDs from time to time (usually just more random noise -- you know, techno), but if some great tragedy befell the world and I had to live the rest of my days with only what I've got on hand, I'd be perfectly fine with that. Until, of course, a new Fluke album came out.

One thing that's always been hard for me to grasp with relationships is how people can do something like get married and then actually be happy for the rest of their fucking lives together. Now, it's not that I'm afraid of commitment, it's just that I oftentimes just tend to get sick of people after awhile, even if there are no issues whatsoever. Like, do you remember the story I told about the Vegas trip where I spent every waking moment of one week with this one friend of mine, and at one point I had to wander Paris aimlessly for five minutes by myself just to get some proverbial fresh air away from him? Yeah, stuff like that is what I'm talking about. Maybe you'll get out your textbook and try and psych 101 that into a fear of commitment, Freud, but you're wrong.

Thanks to Fluke, though, I do see that it's possible to have consistent exposure to something and not get sick of it. Granted, Fluke and I haven't been together for our entire lives yet (and I hope I'm not close to that point, either -- gotta cover my bases just in case they are listening and get any bright ideas), but it's looking real good. Most other CDs get constant play in the beginning and then some action every once in awhile, but it's been practically all Fluke, all the time for the past few years with me.

So what I need to do is find myself the female equivalent of Fluke. Some who, while I don't like absolutely everything that they do, I find enough good stuff in that I know they're pretty much better than everyone else. Hmm, I guess this doesn't quite work, though, since no matter how committed I am to Fluke, I don't know that Fluke likes me back. But wait a minute -- they must like the fact that I give them money, and I'll be damned if that doesn't sound exactly like a woman. I am the best at all metaphors!

Am I the only person alive who likes creamed corn? I'm pretty sure that I am, because I've never met anyone else who likes it. Hey, I'm not saying that I'd want to eat it every day, but if I had to, it wouldn't be the worst thing I could think of. And look, I don't profess to know what the "cream" is, nor do I care. To adapt a line from Lewis Black (although he was talking about sunscreen, not creamed corn), it could be zebra cum -- you don't know. But even if it is, then it looks like I need to get myself a pet zebra.

Dammit, something interesting has gotta happen soon. I mean, I'm posting about fucking creamed corn for Christ's sake. What are there, like, 36 days left until the election? I'd be willing to bet shit starts going down after the election, whether Team Bush wins or loses.

If by some act of Joe Pesci Kerry manages to win, look the fuck out, world. TB is going to go into "nothing to lose" mode since, well, they'll have nothing to lose. Remember how everyone got all bent out of shape when Clinton pardoned everyone? Yeah, that was nothing. See, they'll have four months to accomplish as much evil shit as they can that was originally planned to stretch out over four years.

Should they win, Team Bush is going to go into "nothing to lose" mode since, well, they've already won everything and there's nothing left for them to lose. They can then take their time anally raping this country. Nice and slow, long and hard, just the way they like it. I hope you like bleeding from the asshole, America.

As an example of what we might have to look forward to, I've been hearing rumors from the left-wing about how regardless of the election's outcome, we're going to go all-out in Iraq to quell the uprising. I don't know if anyone has any hard evidence of this supposed plan, but it sounds logical. No sense risking an assault before the election that could potentially have a negative influence as far as TB is concerned.

Now, cracking down on insurgents isn't really what I'm on about here. What will piss me off about this, if indeed it happens, is the timing. If this happens, I don't want to hear anyone on the right EVER criticize ANYONE for politicizing the Iraq war, The War Against Terror (TWAT), or anything else. Because that's exactly what a maneuver like hitting the insurgency post election would be.

But hey, at least there should be something interesting and relatively new to talk about. It most likely won't be good-interesting, but I'm trying to be as positive as I'm capable of here.

That's... Pretty good. Not to mention Ted Rall's latest.

As Bill Maher said on the most recent Real Time, Maureen Dowd: always the smartest kid in the class. I may be sick and tired of politics (can we just have the election tomorrow and get it over with?), but I just can't get sick of Maureen. I was going to make some comments on the whole Bush/Allawi puppet thing, but there's no real point now since she pretty much covered it.