Just in time for Thanksgiving or Mideast warfare

Yahoo search:

people who fuck turkey

Are they talking about the country or the animal?

Yeah, that's pretty much what I'm saying. Okay, well, not exactly.

Since we're so sick of Democrats and pussy-ass liberals in general, we've decided that we need to start a new movement. A third way, if you will. It's mostly liberal, formed on the basis of things like abortion and gay marriage, along with the concept of a bunch of money for a small group of people (namely, us; then it, uh, trickles down from there). Basically, a merging of our liberal mindset with our inborn sense of greed. Who's in? Better get some lovin' while the gettin's good.

Damn, that's a lot of cash.

You just don't expect to see this kind of stuff from good, honest god-fearin' folks.

A judge ordered Mancini to undergo a mental evaluation.

The sooner we order this for all those of faith, the better.

The joys of the Blogger Navbar and random linkers

Look, I know it's not that simple. Blah blah blah. But why the fuck did you marry him in the first place?

Gays marrying! Gays marrying! It's going to destroy the institution of marriage! No, it's stupid fucks like this who have ALREADY destroyed your stupid precious "institution."

Yahoo search:

i want to fuck a goat

I always make idle chit-chat about how I should shut this place down, and I'm always served with constant encouragement to do just that. I mean, c'mon. I've made it clear that if you need to fuck a goat, I don't care. You do what you gotta do. But why the FUCK do you need to tell Yahoo about it?

A bunch of you don't even know what MLS is (it's some kind of disease, isn't it?), and that's good

I just read a blurb that the MLS championship is tomorrow. And you know what? No one cares.

The other night, we couldn't remember when the next gen XBox was supposed to come out. Well, it looks like Microsoft may have plans for XBox 2.

Out here in Colorado, some of the State Patrol officers drive a Camaro. We always thought that would be a pretty good deal -- a Camaro and a shotgun. Sure, the Camaro isn't that great, but combine that with the gun and you're good to go. Colorado State cops haven't got shit on the Italian Police, though.

"It's not for fun."

Bullshit.

"... Superintendent Bizzarro had to push the car up to about 185 miles an hour to stop a Porsche going about 155..."

Okay, first off, Superintendent Bizzarro. That has got to be the best combination of title and name ever. Second of all, how do you catch an asshole doing 155 in his Porsche? With a fucking Lamborghini, that's how.

Dead baby

So John Asscroft is stepping down. Many of us won't be sad to see that guy go. In the wake of his pending departure, White House counsel Alberto Gonzales has been nominated to take his place. Yeah, the guy who said that parts of the Geneva Conventions were "obsolete" and "quaint" will be in a position to influence what happens to our civil liberties. So I'm not real worried on that front; at worst it'll (hopefully) just be more of the same. This, of course, isn't a good thing, but at least I'm used to it.

What I'm really hoping for is that he'll at least back off on the whole porn thing. Do whatever the hell you want to prisoners since you're going to anyway, just let me jerk off in peace, okay? Leave me something, for fuck's sake.

Some anti-woman groups aren't happy with some of the actions he's taken with regards to abortion. For instance, while on the Texas state Supreme Court he ruled in favor of not requiring some teenage girls to get parental consent for an abortion. I like that. I like that a lot. Hey, they may be poised to expand the gulag, but at least that's one point over Asscroft.

Seriously, though, at least he's pissing off the anti-womanist groups, and that makes me smile. Sure, it's a small consolation, but I'll take what I can get at this point. Also, we know that there are valid reasons for not requiring parental permission for an abortion (incest), so at least the guy might capable of some sort of rational thought.

"Why is President Bush betraying the babies?"

Oh, boo-fucking-hoo. The poor wittle babies. I've basically made this stance before, but I'm going to make it again: fuck the babies. And no, not like that, you sick pervert. Sure, maybe the baby was asking for it, but I digress. Look, I'm sick of this bullshit about the unborn. Everybody's all up in arms about it. You know, you try and point out that abortion, while no one (except maybe Marla from Fight Club) strives for it, is a necessary option for women to have. Even if you make a strong case, they always throw that "but you're killing babies!" shit in your face. And to that I say, funk 'dat. I don't give a damn about babies and how do you like that?

Maybe it's because I'm not a parent or whatever, and as such I haven't experienced the supposed "miracle" that's happened billions and billions of times (I guess miracles were on sale at Sam's Club), and that's why I don't go all soft (or hard; these religious groups have a huge hard-on when it comes to them) over babies. But I'm sorry, when it comes to choosing between a pile of goo that isn't even alive yet and a woman who's put up with me and given me compantionship and (apparently) even had sex with me, I'm going to side with her. Shit, you make the sacrifice of having sex with me, and you can do whatever the hell you want. You can go out killing other people's babies -- pre-born or otherwise -- for all I care. You had sex with me and that makes you a wonderful person.

Where the hell was I going with this? Oh yeah. The "baby killing" shit doesn't work on me. Go try emotionally manipulating someone else, Christfucker.

"If you think a fetus is so important, try getting a fetus to wash the shit stains out of your underwear -- for no pay and no pension."
- Carlin

Yahoo search:

how to find objects around the house to fuck yourself with

I dunno... Get up and fucking look for them? God damn it people are lazy.

While looking through the search results, I found the following probably-not-work-appropriate site which amused me greatly: How to Bang Just About Any Object in Your House.

Is there anything better than masturbation? Sure, it's not as good as real sex (theoretically, at least), but it's almost always available and fun unless if you're some kind of real fuck-up. In addition to the pleasure factor, it also provides us with all this great humor. Sure, sometimes the joke's on you, but hey, shit happens.

"If you ever get caught masturbating, the first thing to do is act surprised. And don't worry, you will be surprised. Just start yelling 'Help! Help! My hand and peeny are fightin'! Get some help, a hot towel, and a chicken burrito 'cause this is a battle royale!"
- Dave Attel

"But you know what I like even better than women? Pornography. 'Cause I can get pornography."
- Patton Oswalt

Okay, maybe it's just because it's 7:30 AM and I've been up all night for work once again (this time because I pretty much had to, though), but I can't quite digest the point of this right now. Some big long history lesson as to why us liberals crying "fascism!" are just getting our panties in a bunch over the wrong thing. Not that we aren't being overly hysterical, but c'mon -- we're liberals. Doesn't mean we don't have a valid point or two. Maybe the article will make more sense later, but I'll post it now so I can pretend to be all fair 'n' balanced and shit.

Yeah, I just can't wait.

Spam:

Brand New Teen Eating Cum

Brand new? This makes it sound like they can just manufacture them now. Because if that's the case, I'm in.

Oh, geez. Now the World Trade Center is going to have some kind of weird stigma attached to it.

Seriously, dude, I can understand being unhappy with the results of the election. A lot of us were feeling pretty down last week, then it turned, oh, about noon on Wednesday, and we were over it and were moving on. Okay, some of us accepted it and got over it; undoubtedly some out there will never get over it. But oh effing well.

Like I said, I don't have to be happy with the results to respect the accomplishments. And pending those pay raises, I'm not going to become a bloody conservative. I'm just confused right now, and having lots of bipartisan-curious feelings.

More and more, Karl Rove is becoming my fucking hero. This may seem odd at first seeing as how I hate the man he's gotten into office for two terms now, or it may make perfect sense if you know me at all. Hey, I may not be happy with the results, but I've gotta give the man big props for doing what he's done. And besides, I'm a conservative now, remember? Flip, flop! Flip, flop!

The left really needs a Karl Rove of their our own. Yeah, a Rove of our own. Someone to say, "No, fuck that. We're going to do it my way, we're going to do it simple, and we're going to fucking win." Someone who's not as weird looking as Carville, maybe the closest thing we've got (not that Rove is any prize package himself). Someone who sits in their office all day and thinks. Someone who can be vicious, or, more appropriately, someone who can delegate responsibility to go out and be vicious. And above all, someone who's fucking smart. I could handle some of those qualifications, but I am just nowhere near that goddamn smart.

Here's one thing that was touched on in comments and has been getting some run in the past couple of days: talk about the so-called values voters. These are the people who would have voted for Bush anyway, but the simple genius here is just making sure that they actually get out there and do the voting. For so long, we heard that Democrats were registering new voters in record numbers, and that a high turnout on election day would only favor Kerry. Karl Rove just set to doing what he does best: tear down the opponents on their strong points, and mobilize your base. With that, the Republicans were able to cancel out any gains the Democrats were able to make in four years. Although it's not the only way to win an election, the Rove Doctrine seems damn near unbeatable. Couple Rove's philosophy with Kerry's suckitude, and R wins.

I realize that I'm preaching to the chior, but you do realize that the direction this country has taken is being driven by the most ignorant fucking ones among us, right? Homophobes (let us not forget the 11 bans on same sex marriage that passed), misogynists (..."stab a nearly born infant in the back of the head and suck its brains out..." Yeah, 'cause that's what that's about), religious nuts, gun nuts, and nationalist zealots (not patriotism, nationalism) are FedExing us straight to hell.

Yes, we can

Hey, I just thought of a great new slogan: "Anybody but George W. Bush in 2008!" Surely we can't fuck that up, can we?

Despite this past weeks' awful loss, at least I still have my first true love, Maureen Dowd, to comfort me with her columns. Of course, that's not to say that I don't have other true loves, like Teresa Heinz Kerry. Okay, it sucked when she backed down and apologized for saying Laura Bush never had a real job, but she kinda had to. And I think I might have a chance with Teresa, since she apparently goes for losers. Didn't her first husband die? And her current hubby is John Kerry. Yeah, losers.

There's no crying in football!

Ignoring the fact that they're still rich, Tuesday's loss made for a bad day in the Edwards household. But it just keeps getting worse. I'm still far from convinced that there's a god, but if there is, he just might be on the side of the Republicans after all. I mean, a just god would give breast cancer to someone like Lynne Cheney or something. Okay, okay, no one deserves a disease like breast cancer. Not even Brett Favre's wife (I suppose he's going to cry about that, too). But if you've ever prayed for your daughter to not be a lesbian (and you know Lynne Cheney has) just so it won't offend your stupid religious beliefs or embarass your husband politically, you deserve for something bad to happen to you.

Let's just get this over with

So I'm sitting there Tuesday night, watching the returns coming in. Pretty much every state is going exactly how it was expected to go since that's how it went last time. All that's going though my head is the rhetorical question: Have we learned NOTHING in four years? I mean, Jesus Christ. Do people really want another four years of this bumbling fuck, getting us into unnecessary wars and inflaming the entire world while his supposed underlings destroy civil liberties, a woman's right to choose, and the separation of church and state? Oh, and do people really look forward to Supreme Court justices probably dying tomorrow so Bush can start making his appointments?

Apparently, they do. That's why Bush got a huge, sweeping mandate from across the entire country for another four years. Yeah, a solid victory, or another pretty close election. One of the two.

Of course I ask myself, how the fuck can people be so goddamn stupid? Taking aside, for a minute, the fact that they're Americans. But god damn it, how the hell can you vote for Bush? Well, there's the fact that some people, for whatever reason, actually believe in Bush. Others (rich fucks) have something to gain. Then for everyone else, there's the fact that Kerry kinda fucking sucks.

I've made no secret of my disdain for John Kerry. With the exception of the time he used the word "Orwellian," he pretty much never gave me hope or inspiration. But that still wasn't as bad as the alternative in Bush. This, of course, makes me case study zero for what was wrong with the left in this election. So many people were saying "anybody buy Bush." We started with the conclusion. While that may have worked for Vladimir Nabokov, it's no way to try and bring about change in government. We needed to start with the idea of having a really solid candidate first, and use that to make the case of why he should be in the Oval Office.

Of course, there was virtually no one solid to run on the Democratic ticket. And, of course, most of us weren't stupid enough to accept anybody but Bush. I mean, if Hitler was resurrected and ran for the D nomination, no one would have gotten behind him. Well, except for maybe Michael Moore and Al Franken. Yes, I've expressed affection for both of those guys in one regard or another (even if both are completely unwavering liberals and one's a propagandist), but there are always going to be people who would support even a piece of shit (or, if you prefer, a giant douche dooshe) if you dressed it up and put a sign on it that said "Democratic nominee."

So yes, Kerry sucked, but given the playing field, he was adequate. Or at least, he was sufficiently not un-adequate, and, you know what? Fuck it. You know what I mean.

When it comes to Kerry, I realized awhile back that the left was fundamentally fucked. Say what you want about Bush (as many of us have), but a good deal of the people on his side genuinely support him. As opposed to the left, where many of us didn't really support Kerry, we just wanted to not support Bush. Not so good.

So, where did John Kerry himself go wrong? You mean, besides everywhere? Hell, where do we start? How about with "the first presidential decision a candidate makes," choosing a running mate. Looking back, John Edwards was a really stupid choice for VP. They brought Edwards on board for what? For image. And then they didn't even make much use of him! When he was first picked, it's like "Ooh! Finally some energy in this campaign!" And after a couple of weeks, it's like he wasn't even there anymore. I also have to admit that every now and then, I found myself buying into the FUD (fear, uncertainty, doubt) over the fact that Edwards had virtually no experience in anything. But, of course, it wouldn't have been the first time that someone got into a high post without much relevant experience (like, say, Bush). But yeah, a lawyer with two unremarkable years in the Senate would have been, as they kept saying, "only a heartbeat away from the Presidency." Contrast this with Dick Cheney, who has lots of experience and is always a heartbeat away from not having a heartbeat anymore.

ETP and I were playing DOA online a couple of nights ago with this other guy. The other guy kept giving Eli shit for his battle tactics, which consisted of standing off a good distance and waiting for the other guy to bring the fight to him. Whether or not it pissed the other guy off, ETP was fighting rounds on his terms. And you know what? He won quite a few fights. The Republicans did this masterfully. They did things their way, and they forced the Democrats to play on Republican terms. Throughout the campaign, John Kerry and the whole Democratic party spent their time either twiddling their thumbs or going on defense. The Republicans scared them from doing anything aggressive and then attacked at their leisure.

I understand why the Democrats played it safe, other than the fact that they're a bunch of candy-asses. It was a gamble either way. If they get aggressive, what might happen is that they lose their hard-fought image of being the non-vicious party of hope. Of course, if they stay docile, last Tuesday might happen.

In 2000, many liberals and Democrats could at least make excuses that Bush's victory was the result of Supreme Court interference or other malfeasance. Of course, despite the fact that a lot of that holds water, I still blamed Al Gore for being dumb enough to let that election be close to begin with. Barring any fifteenth-hour bombshells, the left has no excuses this time around. Not that they won't make (and aren't already making) excuses, but they don't have ones as good as last time around. No, this was a fuck-up, plain and simple.

John Kerry said after his defeat something to the effect of "we have made the case for change." No, Bush made the case for change all on his own. He made the case by being a shitty fucking President. But despite all of Bush's fuck-ups, John Kerry still could not get his shit together for six goddamn seconds to tell people, "Alright, y'all, check this out." A great set-up, and he blew it. John Kerry had months -- if not a year or more -- to let the American people know who he is and why he was a better choice. For some people it was self-evident -- namely, he's not Bush -- but lots of people were on the fence. People on the fence, apparently, are going to give the incumbent automatic extra points if they aren't getting a clear indication of a decent alternative. John Kerry had all this time to convince some of those people who were undecided as to why the hell they should vote for him. And he didn't do it.

Fuck is Murphy's Irish Stout a good beer. That has nothing to do with the current discussion, but I thought I'd just throw that out there.

Up to this point I have, of course, completely discounted the Republican propaganda machine. Yes, the Democrats have their propaganda as well, but there's a key difference between the two: Republican propaganda works. They played on America's fears like Beavis plays with his wiener, and they used that to help ride their way to victory. But I'm not letting us on the left off anywhere near that easily. Once again: no excuses. What is our fault? This is. If we don't blame ourselves, we're never even going to begin thinking of maybe looking into fixing our problems some day.

So, where does this leave us? Personally, I'm wondering if there's a way that I can be a Republican without believing in, like, 80-90% or more of what they believe. You know, I can just hang out with the cult, and when they say "The sun sucks," I just go along with them -- "Yeah, fuck the sun, I fucking hate it too, long live the fucking beast." I just want to be on the winning side and maybe enjoy a few of the benefits; that's all.

Of course, I have been joking to ETP for awhile now that I'm probably just a couple of pay raises away from voting Republican anyway. Naturally, while I am doing pretty well for my age group, I am far, far away from really benefiting from Republican tax cuts.

Therein lies a problem, though. Tax cuts. Americans can be lead ANYWHERE with the promise of a tax break in some form or other. "What? Bush wants to exterminate six million Arabs? Fine, whatever -- just give me my $300 check and stay the fuck away from my gun." Hey, no one likes paying taxes, except for the real hard-core liberals out there. The rest of us don't like doing it, but some of us will do it without too many complaints. But even I could get on board with the whole tax cut thing if they just pushed it a bit further.

Here's where we can at least start getting to some of the positives in the outcome of the election, if there are any. As anyone who either knows me or has read at least one of my posts knows, positivity is not my strong suit, so that's why this is going to be piss-poor. Here we go, trying to look at the glass as half-full (ignoring the fact that the glass is shattered on the fake hardwood floor you bought with your $300 check, and we're only bullshitting ourselves into picturing that the glass is still half-full, thinking that's as good as it actually being half-full).

There's one question that's dominated my actions as of late whenever it comes to anything financial: Is this conducive to Project 3-Series? I can all but promise you that John Kerry was planning to raise taxes on all of us, regardless of what he said. How the fuck else was he going to get the deficit under control and still fund all of the shit he wanted to fund? This is ignoring, of course, the fact that the R congress probably wouldn't have gone for a lot of what he wanted, but still. I don't doubt that he would raise taxes if he A) felt it necessary and B) could have gotten it passed. That most certainly would not be conducive to Project 3-Series. But I voted for Kerry anyway. I did that for you guys; I was planning to take one for the team. And this is how you fuckers repay me? I hate you guys.

Okay, getting off track, as always. Another thing that's good about Bush winning is that comedy most definitely will not suffer as a result. Bush, the "satirical tackling dummy" (as Bill Maher put it), will be around for another four years of mockery. Not that a President Droopy wouldn't have left plenty of room to make fun of, but it just wouldn't have been the same.

John Kerry's defeat pretty much opens the door for Hillary to run in '08, assuming there's a country left for her to run as president of. And, let's face it -- regardless of how you feel about Hillary, unless if you're a die-hard Republican, the prospect of the Republicans losing to the hated Clintons is pretty funny think about.

Then there's the Bush twins. I can talk about fucking them for the next four years and still have it be relevant.

Finally, you know, there's always the chance that Kerry would have fucking things up pretty badly all on his own. I honestly never thought he could be as bad as Bush, no matter how much he sucked, but you never know. At least with Bush, I already know the intensity and the quality of the ass-fucking I'm going to get, and as such it'll be much easier to prepare both my mind and my sphincter for the oncoming sodomy.

Yup, these are really small consolation prizes, but I'm kinda/sorta (but not really) trying to find a silver lining here.

And yeah, maybe I can just make the transition to being a conservative. I've made no attempts to hide the fact that I'm a greedy, self-serving, material-driven fuck. So you know what? Fuck the poor, fuck the environment, fuck everyone. I need a 330. You say the deficit is going to go sky high? Who cares. "But future generations will be paying for it!" Yeah, you know who's having kids? Not me. So everyone else is on their own.

But god damn it. Greedy or not, I don't want to live in a world of literal perpetual war. I don't want to live in a world where Roe v. Wade is under constant attack or maybe even struck down. I don't want to live in a nation where we, as a government, not only support Jesus, but we don't even pretend that we're not supposed to. I don't want John Ashcroft (or whoever succeeds him, if indeed he leaves) taking away my porn. I don't want to live in a world where all those fucking inbreds from the South are smiling through their tooth because their guy won again. I don't want to live life in a place where 2+2=5 and dissent=unpatriotic. I don't want to live in a fucking fascist country, god damn it.

Okay, okay. While we are well on our way to single-party statehood, I wouldn't (yet) call the American situation fascism. But I would most definitely call it fascism lite.

Overall, I am just not that pissed about things. At least, no more than I already was. How could I be? I knew this is what was going to fucking happen. I said time and time again that Kerry was just going to lose anyway. I'm sure some of you are like "You know what? Maybe you just wanted Kerry to lose." Yeah, you go on with your bad self. The rest of us will be strapping ourselves in, because whether we like it or not, it's going to be four more years.

Saddle up. Lock and load.

Fuck.

At least Thursday didn't turn out like this.