Google search:

"too young even for me"

Big shocker that I'm on page one of the results for this. I've seriously thought about considering maybe de-listing my site from Google one day because I'm tired of searches along these lines. Probably my most common search hit nowadays is for "underage" coupled with another word that I'm particularly fond of (I don't wanna use the actual phrase just so I can avoid seeding Google any more), but again, that's one of many. Whatever; it's just getting old.

Oh, and I love how the post that comes up in that Google search is this one, which only makes ones like this gem look even more troublesome. Once again, for myriad reasons, we need to find something else disturbing and offensive for me to latch on to.

Why would God design fat people, anyway?

We already know that Leonard Nimoy likes boobs, and apparently, he's a chubby chaser as well. Look, I don't exactly go for the malnourished look with people, but big... Isn't beautiful. In fact, it's pretty ugly. Sorry, but that's how it is. If you're fat and you're cool with that, more power to 'ya. Of course it doesn't make you less of a person since, technically, it makes you more of a person. You really shouldn't be treated poorly or discriminated against just for being fat, but you're gonna face that -- both in this post and in this society. Either way, you need to quit being all uppity about it. All those people who are "celebrating" being tubs? Denial. And stupid, because it's not like being overweight is a healthy thing (fuck what any of those "studies" about obesity being OK have to say). So nevermind, we can discriminate against these people for being morons. Hey, Antiwang knows what I'm talking about.

And you know, at least if you're fat, you can do things to get rid of that fat. No, it may not be easy, and yes, some people may have legitimate troubles slimming down, but at least there are options. It's not like just plain unattractive people can melt away their ugly by hitting the treadmill, but you can, so shut up already. If there's an unattractive slim person hiding under all that flab, well, you'll just have to do what the rest of us ugly people do -- get used to it. At least you're not fat on top of being ugly anymore! And if you wanna stay fat, that's fine, too, since we know there are a handful of Leonard Nimoys out there.

Man, we almost have some kind of God theme going (only we don't) since I just made that post about intelligent design and God while the old post of mine mentioned above linked that "100 Artists See God" exhibition. #6 still kicks the ass out of everything; I'm down with worshipping a ping-pong ball with black dotted eyes and some kind of bird's feet. Hey, not any dumber than acid wash.

"It's like an entire country with a 'no fat chicks' bumpersticker."
- Greg Proops on Australia which is, apparently, "Arkansas with a beach."

I don't NEEEEEED no instructions to know how to rock!

Okay, so I originally wasn't going to post this because it's not really funny, and also because the link it contained is already broken, but I need it to set up another joke. Plus I've been looking for an excuse to give a post the above title, so there 'ya go. Anyway, I saw on MSN yesterday an article on "10 things every single man needs." While I am not really much of a man, I was like, okay -- I'll bite. Let's see if their list is total bullshit or not.

1. A top-notch coffee/espresso maker

Okay, not a bad start. Although I'm not a huge coffee guy, I do like coffee and usually don't turn it down when offered. I've been thinking of getting one for like forever, but I just keep putting it off.

2. A lamp in your bedroom

Alright, I have one of these. Sure, I've had it since I was a kid, but at least it's not some kind of kid's lamp -- just a plain navy blue table lamp. My whole fucking bedroom needs a re-vamp, but I'm way too busy blowing money on my living room to be able to afford the $5K Restoration 'Spensive set that I want.

3. Swiffer Sweeper + Swiffer Cloths + Swiffer Wet Cloths

I'm all over that shit, too.

4. A comfortable couch

Ibid. My yuppie bullshit Pottery Barn square couch with the down blend cushions kicks the ass out of mere mortal couches. And so far one girl who's not BOETP or one of my other female friends from way back (but who I still can't have sex with) liked it, so as always, I know what I'm doing.

5. Nice underwear

Okay, so I agree that some decent underwear is a good thing. But they said that silk boxers are sleazy? FUCK THAT. I don't give a shit if they are; do you know how goddamn comfortable those are? It's like you don't even have them on, but you still don't get any of that unpleasant cock-on-zipper action that would happen if actually freeballing. I mean, seriously, they're so unintrusive that they need to be riding at least halfway up your ass before you even notice. You can't tell me that's not sexy.

6. A key-ring that can fix, cut, and open anything

Although I'm not really what you call much of a tool man, either, this too sounds reasonable.

7. $150+ jeans

Again, the list can go fuck itself. I will never, ever again wear fucking jeans. I let my girlfriend, and my mother, and everyone else I know convince me to get into wearing jeans again about ten years ago (yes, mostly my girlfriend). Yeah, mistake. There's clearly something wrong with me, because I cannot get comfortable in jeans. The fabric is just awful. Maybe I look OK in them; I don't care. It's lame-ass khakis for me until the end of time. If no woman alive can love a man without a pair of jeans, then to hell with it. I die alone. As if that wasn't happening anyway. Unless if they're Three-Legged jeans. Hey, not any dumber than acid wash.

8. $200+ dress shoes

I can get on board with this. I don't really think I need $200 shoes, but it's not like the majority of my purchasing decisions have ever been based on "need."

9. 300-thread-count cotton sheets

I do need new sheets to match my new comforter. No qualms with high thread-count; I just need to fucking remember to do this just like with the coffee maker.

10. The Joy of Cooking

Again, reasonable. I can cook, when I need to. Trouble is, I never need to -- there's nothing more depressing than cooking for one, which I typically am. But learning more shit, or at least having the tools to learn more, certainly couldn't hurt.

Okay, so the list was only 20% bullshit, and I'm only counting underwear because their comment on silk really was nonsense. And apparently, I'm well on my way with four things down, and since I won't do denim, I only need to pick up five things so that I can be alone in my house full of stuff that I quote/unquote need. All of this ignoring the fact that this may, in fact, not be an authoritative list of things that single men need. All I can see that we really need is porn and maybe a good lubricant, but maybe that's part of the reason I'm still single.

But I repeat myself... Twice over.

I don't care if I'm a Republican now, I still can't get on board with this stupid shit.

Michael J. Behe, a biological sciences professor at Lehigh University, told the subcommittee that intelligent design has no religious underpinnings.

Go fuck yourself. Hard. And if you like it rough, then do it harder than you normally like to be fucked. God, I am so sick of this. I'm sick of all of it, but for now, I'll just make special mention of the notion that it's not about creationism. I mean, Jesus, if it wasn't for religion Christians, would any of this (and it almost makes me sick just to type it) intelligent design nonsense be around? No.

Intelligent design can be summed up as follows: "The universe is so vast and complex that we just had to come up with a stupid, simple explanation for it!" I know, I know; sometimes the simplest explanation you can come up with is the right answer. But God isn't the simplest answer. Who put the universe together? No one; that's about as simple as it gets. Yup, pretty simple, until you get into quantum mechanics and astrophysics and stuff like that -- you know, things that require some thought, as opposed to just shoving our heads up our asses and spewing the shit we find back out as, well, gospel.

I like how one Slashfucker recently put things into perspective. To paraphrase... Okay, so say the universe had a designer. So who designed the designer? What? The designer doesn't need a designer of its own? So why does the universe have to have a designer in the first place? Pretty simple; something that anyone should be able to get on board with, even ignorant Christian fucks.

Google search:

12 man fuck

Okay, so this search in and of itself is not very interesting. I'm guessing it was one of the usual fucks looking for child porn. Anyway, it got me to thinking about the movie 12 Angry Men. And I'm like, I'll bet they made that into a porno. The title, at least. 12 Horny Men was the most obvious play on it, and sure enough, there's a gay porno out there that stole my idea before I came up with it. Should you be so inclined, you can go check out Hung Jury: 12 Angry Men. Hung jury... That's funny.

I'll keep telling myself that

Google search:

to fuck a mormon girl

I'm #1, bitches. This totally makes up for not scoring with that girl I wanted back in high school.

It's a chicken!

Okay, I seriously am not posting this link because the story involves sex with an underage girl. For various reasons I'm trying to knock that shit off, but I doubt I'll be very successful. At any rate, I need to talk about some other shit.

"... the Fundamental Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints..."

I apparently was not up to speed on the Mormons, as I didn't realize that there was a fundamentalist sect of them running around out there. I guess I just thought that all of them were into the multiple wives thing. Either way, regular Mormons are fucking nuts as it is. I'm sorry, but that's all there is to it. Hey, I've known a good one or two of them, and that's an adequate sample population if I ever saw one. Seriously, all I needed to see was the family of this one girl we were friends with in high school. If I thought it would piss off enough people, I'd go into it.

Well, okay. So check this out. They put on this front of being a pretty happy family and all that shit. Then it gets to one point where her dad was cheating on her mom with this total flake who, fuck, was she a stripper? I can't even remember the whole ordeal. Needless to say, a divorce ensued. Her dipshit dad went off and did his thing, and her mom ended up getting together with this guy who was like 15 years younger than her. Of course, she wasn't exactly upfront with how young he was with her kids, and it wasn't until our friend went and snooped and looked at his driver's license that everyone found out just how young he was. It's not like anyone gave a shit; her mom was pretty cool and rather hot, so we were like, more power to 'ya if you want a younger guy. Like Wanda Sykes once said, of you can't find a good man, raise one. Anyway, he was uncomfortable around kids his own age. He earned the nickname of "Junior" with us.

Our friend was a good Mormon girl. I guess. She wouldn't do the caffeine thing, wouldn't smoke, shit like that. But once the shit started to hit the fan with her parents, it was on. All of a sudden she was trying out booze, and cigarettes, and Pepsi, and just generally going against everything she claimed to believe. So that was definitely entertaining. Prior to all this I had developed a pretty big crush on her, knowing full well that it was a mistake since she was crazy well before her parents' marriage hit the rocks. But I couldn't help it; she was cute -- despite having those mormon teeth -- and we got along rather well. Unfortunately for me, however, her "Mormon Girl Gone Wild" phase did not include dating guys she considered "second rate garbage." Like I said, I knew what I was getting myself into with that racket.

Okay, so I hadn't intended to start giving some insight into why I'm so damaged on certain fronts, so let's get back to how fucked up the mormons are.

Members believe a man must marry at least three wives in order to ascend to heaven.

This sounds reasonable. If you have the patience to put up with one woman bitching at you for the rest of your life -- nonetheless three -- you deserve some kind of reward once you're put down.

The sect dominates the towns of Colorado City, in Arizona, and Hildale, in Utah, less than a mile away.

Why is Colorado City in Arizona? I don't care if the river runs through there; that's stupid. And is Donna Reed one of these people? Hey, the town might have dropped an "L" over the years.

And, uh, I guess that's really it. Mormons are scary, and the idea of Fundamental Mormons is even scarier.

Oh, I guess I could talk about polygamy, but it really boils down to the fact that I don't care, and I don't see why anyone else should either, except that they're dumb. "It'll destroy the foundation of" shut the fuck up. If you really want multiple women nagging you or you want to share your husband with other women, you go right ahead. I could give a shit.

"Yeah, and I heard that the whole Osmond family, is a bunch of morons."
- Beavis

Be sure and read this before or after a large meal.

I still need to look into getting a new box and setting up my own RAID.

Google search:

rave mix inspector gadget free download

This one has me kinda curious -- if anyone can shoot me a link to this, I would be much obliged.

It's official: having to listen to Christina Arrugala is torture. The only thing that I can think of that's more inhumane is forcing someone to look at her. And of course, I'm talking post-"Genie in a Bottle" video. It's sad to see someone go from that to, well, Orc. Actually, I think I'd still rather fuck an Orc -- no telling what Christina has growing down there.

The Pentagon said Kahtani's interrogation was conducted by "trained professionals," and yielded "valuable information" about al Qaeda and its leader, Osama bin Laden.

Wow, I'll bet it was because of this guy that we were finally able to capture Osama and shut his terrorist network down for good.

"The important thing here to understand is that the people that are at Guantanamo are bad people," Cheney said.

Yes, and they're all such bad people that they were held until they were swiftly convicted of committing a crime. None of them are ever let go after a decision has been made that they have nothing. I know, I know, it's different with these guys than it is with common criminals. And national security is at stake! To quote Captain Picard: "Ahhh, internal security. The age old cry of the oppressor." You always know that you have a strong argument when you play the Star Trek quote card.

The Pentagon described the document in Time as a "compromised classified interrogation log," and said it had notified appropriate congressional committees.

Well, if this is all they had to say, then at least it's some kind of implicit admission that what's going on in terms of torture is just policy. Honestly, I don't know if I'm all that upset about the whole torture thing. I mean, yeah, it's pretty uncivilized, but you know, it could be worse (and I doubt anything worse is going on; stuff like that never escalates). If they'd just cop to it that would make it a bit better. And if nothing else, I'm desensitized to it because we all know it's going on, and it's not like we will or even can do anything real to stop it. We can do the good lil' liberal thing by protesting and sending our letters, but it won't do a fucking thing to put an end to it.

The hypocrisy of it all is definitely irritating. Yeah, when it comes to certain "bad people," we'll bend the rules. We won't afford others the rights and treatment that we give ourselves. That always looks pretty good when you're looking to gain credibility, which of course we aren't. And of course, this opens the door for them to expand these little policies outside of the terrorist prison camps. All they need is some kind of "He's comin' right for us!" type of argument, and off they go.

Right now, I think it'd be a good play for TB to close the Guantanamo Bay prison camp. It'd be a great PR move, because then people would be all uppity over thinking that they accomplished something. Of course, the prisoners aren't just going to be let go, and they'll be quietly moved somewhere that's lower profile or just totally secret so that shit can continue.

"What did she have down there? An aluminum bat? A piece of rebar?"
- JFR's comment when Arrugala was stopped after setting off an airport metal detector thanks to a piercing you-know-where (and by "you-know-where" I mean her pussy, if you know what I mean)

Wow. This is fucked up. Hey, when something awful like that happens to you, I think you get a pass to be fucked up. But yeah, that doesn't change the fact that it's fucked up. Link via this new Fe linker.

Lipstick?

Not Proud Confession:

I like to dress up my vagina. I put lipstick and bows on it. I like pink. I shave all but just a little for the bow. My husband loves it.

Hey, you do what you gotta do.

Speaking of eating it up...

Okay, take a look at this from CNN's website:



Now here's the description:

Children in Khaohsiung, Taiwan, sit on Western-style toilets as they enjoy ice cream served in miniature Asian squat toilets at Marton -- a recent hit theme restaurant. It's named after the Chinese word Matong, meaning -- what else -- toilet. The restaurant became so flush with success that owner Eric Wang opened a second branch just seven months after the first.

Damn, dude, Asians are fucked up. This would be totally normal to me if it was coming out of Japan, but it isn't. I at least think Japan has an excuse -- they're still shell shocked from that whole nuclear weapons thing, but what's the rest of Asia's excuse? Yeah, I know everyone has faced some awful shit, but they haven't faced The Bomb like Japan has.

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. FROM A FUCKING TOILET. That's really about it.

Something else funny that I may or may not have linked.

Did I ever post a link to this band, Carne Asada? I don't think so, but either way, I have now. I've been too lazy to reboot into windows so I can actually listen to their songs, but even still, that shit is funny. I like the concept of Full Contact Mariachi -- almost as much as Los Naked Mariachis. And anyone who has a song called "The Ballad of Wesley Crusher" is OK in my book. I also need to start serving it up raw to gringos.

In dork news, Apple decided that it's going to start using Intel chips in their boxes. That's pretty funny. For a good number of the Mac fanboys, I think this would be about equivalent to BMW deciding they were going to start making front-wheel drive cars. BMW isn't, but Apple is, and that makes me laugh because all those frothing-at-the-mouth die-hard Mac users are shitting themselves, backpedaling, and doing all kinds of other fun stuff. They will continue to fellate Steve Jobs because they're already in too deep (no pun intended, especially since Steve is the one who's in deep), but they might not like it as much.

Seriously, I'll bet that a lot of the decisions Appla makes are on a dare. "I dare you to see if they'll buy into this." I all but guarantee that, at least before this Intel debacle, Steve Jobs could have gotten on stage at one of the big Mac conventions, taken a huge dump on stage, said it's Apple's new product, the iShit, and Mac fanboys and evangelists would eat it up, literally and figuratively.

I think the first line of this article really puts it best. Something similar could probably be said for the Linux community (keeping in mind that I am a huge Linux fan; I like the OS and concepts but I hate many of those involved), but that's another discussion for another time. I just love Mac Observer's tag line, too -- "You'll be getting your Mac news here from now on." I think for the first time I really understand why women are turned on by confidence.

Another sad note that I will only care about is that the end of the line has been reached for HP's PA-RISC line of microprocessors. Yet another venerated architecture falling thanks to fucking Itanium. Itanium which, quite frankly, is just a dumb idea. "Hey, let's put it all in the hands of the compiler writers!" Yeah, that's a good idea -- let the software people take care of it. So yeah. Alpha, PA-RISC, Itanic, fucking weak.

Yeah, they did this on accident -- either that or they need all the help they can get and someone just forgot the rules. Seriously, I'll bet they already had him penciled in to start next week.

Google search:

is going to a prostitute cheating

The fact the someone felt the need to ask this -- to Google nonetheless -- is a sad commentary on everything.

Yahoo search:

bestiality/walrus fuckers

I know everyone is sick of the animal jokes, but I'm not. Actually, it is pretty played out, but I felt that this deserved mention since I've never seen someone into walruses before.

Oh yeah, and another thing that won't change no matter what: the fact that I hate racist fucking pieces of shit.

I definitely think it's good for the Democratic party when Howard Dean decides to go Howard Dean. Or at least, different. Hey, they tried being total pussies about everything, so why not try being assholes? It works for Republicans; the only problem is that Republicans are really good at it. The Democrats, on the other hand:

Last weekend, Sen. Joe Biden, D-Delaware, and 2004 vice presidential candidate John Edwards criticized Dean for his recent remarks, saying he doesn't speak for them.

Who wants to bet that a lot of D fuckoffs actually agree with Dean's statement? So why don't they chime in with "Yeah, fuck those white fucking Christian fucks!" except in language that one is likely to hear inside the beltway? Oh, that's right -- because this is the party of John Kerry and Joe Biden and John Edwards. Kerry, well, we all know about him. I'm still convinced Joe Biden could be a total badass if he wasn't suffering from a nasty strain of candyassitis. John Edwards is a good looking man.

"If we can't bring this (country) together, man, boy, we're really in deep trouble."

I don't really need to comment on that one.

Back to what Dean was saying, and more specifically, the reaction:

Asked about it on the "Fox & Friends" show, GOP Party Chairman Ken Mehlman joked that "a lot of folks who attended my Bar Mitzvah would be surprised" he heads a Christian party.

Wow, I guess they're not all white and Christian after all! Ol' Howie was mistaken! Thanks for that total bullshit child logic, Ken.

If and when I ever start caring about this shit more than once a month, I don't know where I'm going to land. I've got the BMW now, and I'm really thinking of getting into guns. But I really can't get down with that whole Jesus thing, no matter how much they offer me unless the offer is substantial. I'll always like queers, but you know, fuck the environment.

Yeah, I just fucking hate liberals now, too. I mean, more than before. They are just such whiny, do-nothing fucks. Not like this is a new stance for me, but now I find myself saying, you know what? Maybe the conservatives are right, even though they're not. I just know the liberals aren't right, either. "Hi, what we have to say about everything is completely empty and meaningless and we're really doing it just to say we did it." Boy, nothing beats a marginalized opposition just going through the motions. If of course by "nothing" you mean "everything."

No one has ever put it better than Lewis Black, and no one ever will: "The Democrats are a party of no ideas, the Republicans are a party of bad ideas."

One thing is for sure: I am officially done with The New York Times. I know their subscription service doesn't start for a few months, but fuck 'em. Maureen Dowd is on book leave for awhile, so it's over. I just don't care, and they can fucking blow me. Pretty much the only reason I'm reading your leftist shitrag -- the op-ed page -- is being hidden behind subscriber fees, so go fuck yourselves.

Since I've been even more unhappy with the left as of late than I was pre-election, I haven't even been keeping up with Ted Rall. I went and read the past couple of months that I missed, and while all that nonsense is tired as well, at least it's still kinda funny. But that's about it.

Hey, is Al Franken dead yet? I love how when Air America came to the Denver area (and since Franken is on from 10-1) I was like "Oh no! Oh no! How am I going to decide between Al Franken and Jim Rome?" It was like back in high school when we actually had this debate and we were dead serious: Which is better, Independence Day or The Rock? We eventually realized that The Rock rips the shit out of everything and ID isn't really that good. Al Franken is ID. Jim Rome, similarly, is the clear-cut winner even though I don't listen to much of him either nowadays, but that's only because I either A) forget or B) am getting up too late every day to listen to his show because I was up all night masturbating on the internet. Al Franken, on the other hand, I just can't fucking stand. Yeah, that stupid crap is really doing a lot, Al. Oy!

Okay, that's enough of that for now. Back to our regularly scheduled nothing.

Once again, we failed to sacrifice a goat at six this morning.

This post is tuna safe

So long, and thanks for all the fish. I really hate to make a Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Reference since Hitchhiker's Guide sucks so bad, but that was the first thing that came to mind and that's how I like to get down. Plus, it allowed me to bring up the fact that Hitchhiker's Guide sucks, so it's all good. No, I don't care about the books which I'll never read, because the movie provided enough suckitude to cover all forms of media.

The article raised a few questions for me, as I'm sure it did for you. First off is the fact that it's predominantly female dolphins who are doing this. Did they discover how to use tools, or contraception? This led me to another question. How do dolphins fuck? I'm not at all familiar with their anatomies, but all I think of over most of their bodies is smooth flesh; not appendages or holes besides the fins, mouth, eyes, blowhole, etc. What kind of positioning do they use? I picture them belly to belly, but that just seems awkward. Maybe the male dolphin just pees on the female to get her pregnant. But no, dolphins don't drive Toyota Land Cruisers. Enquiring minds want to know what "dolphin style" is like.

Also, I'm guessing that the male dolphin does not cum into the female's blowhole, except for maybe in their porno movies.

You know, it's mental conversations like this and the subsequent sharing that have really limited my number of friends and readers. And it's blatant rip-off lines that have kept me from becoming a true comic genius.

Now let's head for the edge of the cliff

This will work out great for skinny people laughing at all the fatasses out there.

Five different comedy clips, starting with an outtake from "The Cosby show" -- minus the canned laughter -- were then shown for 10 minutes each, interspersed with five minute intervals of sheep wandering around fields in England.

What I find funny is that during the sheep intervals there was probably at least one person with a boner wrought from sheep lust.