Okay, so I have a personal policy when it comes to e-mail forwards. I never forward on something that someone else sends me, and more often than not, I don't even read them. I know I'm missing out on some good jokes, but you know me and my ultra-busy schedule. But I got one recently that I found somewhat amusing, so I thought I'd share. And this is still in line with my forwards policy since I'm not e-mailing it to anyone. Considering me and the type of people who come here (showboatin' libs), many of you may have already seen this, entitled "Ethics Test":

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.
By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand
morally. No one else will know, so you won't be fooling anyone
but yourself if you give anything but a truthful answer. The
test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which
you will have to make a decision. Remember, your answer needs to
be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please read slowly and thoughtfully, giving due consideration to
each line.

Here's the situation:

You are in Florida; Miami to be specific. There is chaos all
around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This ! is a
flood of Biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working
for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this
epic disaster.

The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot
career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around
you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all
of its destructive fury.

Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting
for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You
move closer... somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly
realize who it is.

It's George W. Bush, President of the United States !! At the
same time you notice that the raging waters &n! bsp; are about to take him
under... forever. You have two& nbsp; options - you can save the life of
G.W. Bush, or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning
photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful
men.

So here's the question, and please give an honest answer:

Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with
the classic simplicity of black and white?

Dog balls.

New York is stupid

Okay, so if you've been around here long enough, you know that I once declared flash mobs to pretty much be the dumbest fucking thing ever and the end of all civilization. Well, as it turns out, I was wrong, because we have a new indication that this must be the end. I present to you, dear readers, the cuddle party.

Insert sighing sounds, rolling eyes, and head in hands. This is... There almost aren't words to describe how bloody retarded this is. The whole notion is that it's flying in the face of modern society, blasting out against our inborn puritanism, but what it is, in the end, is a bunch of people who won't admit that they just want to have sex.

Because that's what this is about, plain and simple. Repressed morons. Fucking losers. It's people who have bought into society's bullshit, and in the name of saying they're not afraid they do something that shows how afraid they are. And the fact that they bring it all back to when we were kids... Jesus, this is fucked up.

If you've been to a cuddle party, you need to kill yourself. If you're thinking of going to a cuddle party, think of killing yourself. Then kill yourself. With all the shit going on out there, if this is how you choose to waste your time, I promise you, we don't need you.

I know what some of you are saying. "Oh, BLM, you're just being a dick because you're like that and you hate cuddling and blah blah blah." Please, cut the fucking shit. I am all for cuddling, but not if it's retarded. Cuddle parties are retarded, and they are attended and "facilitated" by retards.

So, what does this have to do with New York being stupid? I made the mistake of watching an episode of CSI: NY. We all know how much I fucking hate the original CSI. The Miami spin off is kinda funny since David Caruso sucks, but I still won't watch it. I allow the New York version to exist just because I'm down with Gary Sinise, who is not related to "That Arliss Show!" It too sucks since, if for no other reason, it's CSU, not CSI. Yes, this is review. All you need to do is watch one of the boring-ass lab scenes with the really intense music to know what bullshit the franchise is. "Wow, the cotton swab turned pink! I just came!" I've never worked in a medical lab, but I've worked in labs doing science shit, and tust me: it's fun for the people doing the work, and for no one else alive. Anyway, tonight's episode had a scene with a cuddle party. At the beginning of the scene, I thought it was an orgy, and I was like "New York is cool." Then when I found out that it wasn't an orgy but in fact a dumbfuck party, I was like, title of post.

Linked off that cuddle party site is this abomination. Footie pajamas suck. I hated them as a kid, and I always insisted that my mom or grandma cut the damn feet off before I would wear them. "Gee, you sound like you were a fun kid." You're a riot? Fuck you -- I was a fucking riot. Anyway, adults have no business wearing footie pajamas. Grow the fuck up, and keep in mind this is coming from a guy who still buys toys and as yet is completely right.

I was just getting caught up on Ted Rall, and this is hillarious.

For anyone who thinks I might be slipping in my old age, no, I did not miss this piece of news -- I just didn't get a chance to comment on it until now. And yeah, that sucks. Don Adams was the man. Sure, he was only known for two things, but if you're only going to be known for two things, Get Smart and Inspector Gadget may as well be them.

For anyone who knows me, they know that Get Smart is one of my all-time favorite shows, and it had way more of an impact on my life than it should have. For a couple of years back in middle school, when Get Smart was running on Nick-at-Nite, I so totally wanted to be Maxwell Smart. The fact that I idolized Max should tell you a lot about me right there, and you have another decent sized piece of the BLM puzzle. And you know what? I didn't just want to be Max, I was Max. Or at least, that's what I pretended to be. Wherever I went, I was packing. A cap gun. Hey, you never know when KAOS is going to try and start some shit. And it wasn't no pussy-ass cap gun like those ones that they'll sell that are bright orange. Fuck no; I went to great lengths to make sure that my toy looked as authentic as possible. On top of that I made myself a CONTROL ID card, carefully scrutinizing shitty VHS tapes to make it as close to what was on-screen as possible. I even tried (unsuccessfully) to make myself a shoe-phone once. My life revolved around "pulling a Max" and "achieving Max hair" (only one person out there will get that, and for once it's not ETP). It was sad, but I was me.

But c'mon now -- who wouldn't want to be Max? He's a spy. Not a real-life spy, but the cool bullshit kind of spy that every guy wants to be at pretty much any given stage in his life. He's an idiot, yet somehow, he's at the top of his game. He has cool cars and cool spy gadgets. And, of course, he gets to hang out with 99. That's really all you need to say to make the case, but all the other stuff is still neat, too.

I roped everyone that I could into my fantasy world. Really no one got on board except for my best friend back in 6th and 7th grade. Since I had to be the main character, he had to choose his own number, so he went with the unused 79. And that's pretty much it... We were CONTROL agents. We had gun battles at my parents' house (with him, of course, always playing the KAOS agent because I'm a selfish prick). Ahhh, the things we do as kids to keep ourselves entertained.

So where was 99? Well, on occasion, I could get my cousin to play along (yes, she was a she; I'm not gonna let some dude play 99), but that was about it. Being the ladies man that I wasn't, I never had a full-time 99. Bummer. I never had a cool car, either, because I was 12. But one of these days, goddammit, I'm going to have a red Sunbeam Tiger. And I'm going to fix it up so that a machine gun pops up out of the hood. You're laughing? I'm not laughing. This is serious business.

One of the best weeks of my life (again, this says a lot about me, but I still have a nicer car than you, so what does that say about yourself) was when Nick-at-Nite had an all-week Get Smart marathon which they entitled "Maximum Smart." They played most (if not all) of the episodes from the show's five seasons (that CNN article doesn't quite have it right), and I was in my glory. It was, like, that week, and this one week that MTV had a bunch of new Beavis and Butthead episodes (including "The Great Cornholio") that were the best fucking weeks ever. Again, sad.

Get Smart really needs to come out on DVD. I found the reunion show Get Smart, Again! at one point, but they are as yet to release the TV series on DVD. Get on it, fuckers, because I will buy it immediately. Don't pull any shit by releasing a "best-of" compilation, either. If other shit like Green Acres is out on DVD, there's no excuse for not having Get Smart out.

So yeah, there's another trip down memory lane that you didn't want. Sorry about that, Chief.

When Alberto Gonzales came on board as Attorney General, it was like, okay, this isn't a good guy. "Torture guy," being one of Bush's closest associates, clearly couldn't be a good guy. But some of us were thinking, well, at least he's not the psycho Christian that Asscroft is. Sounds like he'll at least leave us alone when it comes to things like porn. Well, not anymore. Linked off of that editorial is a slightly less slanted view, but fuck it; the slant pretty much has it right. Err, left, depending on how you want to parse that.

This is riduculous, and of course, not entirely surprising. But yeah, this is how they're keeping us safe from the big bad men out there -- by giving some people a few less things to masturbate over.

Concerned parents argue that our society has become increasingly tolerant of pornography and socially questionable material, and many of them blame the Internet for the degradation of traditional American values.

You hear shit like this a lot, and it both irritates me and makes me laugh. "Traditional American values." Yeah, in a country whose foundations are in things like, uh, slavery. Also, I'm tired of the 'net getting blamed for everything. Is the internet a cesspool? Yeah, but so is humanity. The explosion of porn on the internet is just a reflection of what's going on in peoples' minds. Stuff that would be there anyway; now everyone just knows that they're not alone. "But it's an enabler!" As an example, from what I understand, the rates of child sexual abuse haven't really gone up since the internet got big, even though we know that the 'net is big with pedos.

Also, "socially questionable"? That's meaningless. Anything can be socially questionable, but that doesn't make it illegal. And of course, just because something is illegal doesn't make it wrong, just like something being legal doesn't make it right. That't not to say that everything is nebulous and gray, but a lot of things are nebulous and gray. On the other hand, some things aren 't. Look, I didn't mean for this post to ramble on like this, but when you have a thousand loose ends, why not add some more.

As long as what I do doesn't harm you personally, I have a right to do it. It's a silly view and a view rejected by law enforcement policies all over the country.

Well, fucker, that's how things should be. It's not silly, and god, the fucking arrogance to say that it is. If it doesn't hurt anyone else, then where the fuck is the harm? I know, I know, bigger picture, fabric of society, blah blah blah. It's the same kind of stretched, abstract reasoning that people use against things like gay marriage. The arguments don't really mean anything and the supposed results certainly aren't quantifiable, but it all sounds good (mainly becase they agree with it), so they roll with it.

Before I delve too far into the second link, take a look at the picture of Alex Acosta. What the fuck is up with that guy? If you look at his picture for more than a couple of seconds, you realize that something is wrong with that guy. In fact, everything is wrong. He looks like something by Escher -- bits and pieces look OK and make sense, but as a whole it just doesn't work with reality.

Sources say Acosta was told by the FBI officials during last month's meeting that obscenity prosecution would have to be handled by the crimes against children unit. But that unit is already overworked and would have to take agents off cases of child endangerment to work on adult porn cases.

Wow, that is fucked up. They will actually have to pull people off of investigating kiddie porn for this bullshit. It doesn't take a genius to see that this is how it will be, though, and of course it will be pointed out left and right. The thing is, the people behind this -- religious conservatives -- obviously don't care. They're more interested in pushing their views and making a point than really doing things to help children. We know that Catholics don't give a shit about kids based on that little pedophile priest thing, but the rest of them talk a good game even though -- surprise, surprise -- they're completely full of shit.

"It's all part of the same thing, of the organized crime syndicate," Sharp said. "It has an effect on children."

Again, bullshit. You just want to think that it has a huge effect on children. Or, more importantly, you want everyone else to think that it does. But as always, children are just pawns to these people. Anytime there's something that the religious right doesn't like, they claim it's bad for children. Look, I'm not saying that any of this is good for children, but they're not the targeted consumers of it. Now, I'm not naive enough to think that kids can be completely isolated from pornography, but I don't think many kids have died or been irrevocably damaged by accidental exposure to porn. How many of us when we were younger were exposed to it in some fashion or other? And yeah, it's just total chaos in our society. And for kids who are damaged, I'd be willing to bet that it's stupid adults and the stigma they bring to things that causes the real damage. The problem is that adults look at sexual material through adult eyes, as opposed to kids' eyes where they're kinda curious about things, but they don't have those hormones to give it any meaning. Again, I'm not saying that this is stuff that kids need to be exposed to, since they don't understand it, but if they are exposed maybe more people should just do some of that goddamn "parenting" stuff that they seem to be so proud of but are actually really shitty at.

Our society sucks, but not because of things like this. Sure, there's some fucked up shit out there, hell, lots of shit that even I'll say "uhhh, no thanks" to, but as long as it isn't hurting anyone else, I don't care if others are into it. As always, do what you gotta do. Don't involve kids, don't force anyone, and don't hurt anyone who isn't into the whole pain thing. Again: where is the harm? And give me something concrete, not just a bunch of the aforementioned bullshit. The problem is, to a lot of people out there, it isn't bullshit -- and they've got a lot more clout than a bunch of superstitious dumbfucks should have.

Another problem I have with this is that even if they succeed in putting people in jail, levying fines, and shutting pornographers down, it still doesn't really accomplish anything. All it does it push shit underground, but it doesn't go away. And any dumbfuck knows this. Good luck fighting human perversion. Now, in some cases, like with child porn, it's still worth fighting the fight because the consequences are clear. But with lots of other "obscenity," it isn't worth it. You're not going to change things. But as long as they make their point and think they're making great inroads in helping society, they're happy. Even when they are the ones who are truly destroying the values that we're (supposedly) built on.

It's pretty laughable for the Catholic Church to be complaining about corruption. I mean, not that it isn't, you know, fucking rampant in Mexico, but coming from a bunch of child molesters it really doesn't mean as much as it could.

Pope Benedict XVI last week described the danger posed to Mexican society by drug trafficking and corruption.

Pot, kettle, black, blah blah. Also, Benedict, keep in mind that the Conclave partly chose you because odds are you're going to die relatively soon. Not relevant to this discussion, but I needed to throw that out there.

Mexican Attorney General Daniel Cabeza de Vaca...

Cabeza de Vaca? Head of cow? That has to be the best name ever. Or not, depending on your perspective. Considering that he's the "attorney general," I think that tells you a lot about the state of affairs in Mexico right there. The Church is still a bunch of fuck-off kiddie rapers, though.

Oh, and hey, now that I think about it, the Catholic Church has a wee bit of a following down in Mexico. So it's nice to see that the Church has been doing soooo much to help matters, and I doubt they share in the blame for how things are down there.

I find two things about this amusing. One, is that one of the girls nearly poisoned herself. That's pretty smart. Maybe she was thought that poisoning her own milk would make her look like a victim and not the perpetrator, and that would keep her out of trouble? Also a brilliant angle. And the second thing that amuses me is that CNN will let me set "Juvenile Delinquency" as one of my e-mail alerts. My life is not yet bankrupt enough that I need CNN sending me e-mail on that subject, although if I'm posting random links to shit like that I must be on my way.

Christians? Later, dude.

Seriously, who the fuck goes out for pop at odd hours of the night and ends up getting accused of third-degree sexual assault?

Okay, Blogging tools are pissing me off. First, there's Technorati, which as we all know, has become a total piece of shit since their last redesign and update. They want to be this big search engine for blogs and shit (but I repeat myself), and they're doing all that nonsense at the expense of things that I care about, namely being able to see who links my piece of crap. For the past several weeks, every time I went to go do check links to my site, after a long wait I got an error that they were experiencing too many search requests and to try again later. FUCK YOU. Put requests into a bloody queue or something, dipshits. Don't give me this garbage that you can't perform the one function you're designed for, namely searching. I haven't been getting these errors for the past couple of days, but now it's just slow as shit. I guess I'll take what I can get, but I still kinda hope Google Blog search really takes off and buries Technorati. I'm sick of Google and all, but if they can help me in my need for revenge, so be it.

Then there's Haloscan. I just noticed that I had comments from four days ago, ones which I missed because I did not get an e-mail notification. This is not a new phenomenon; it's been going on for weeks if not months. I don't know if there's just something fucked up with my e-mail, but I wouldn't be surprised if they just want another ten bucks out of me to start getting all of my notification mails again.

God damn it I want to fucking kill people

People like this shouldn't be celebrated, they should be shot. I don't know what the bigger crime is -- watching TV for nearly 70 hours straight, getting rewarded for it, or network programming -- but this kind of thing should not be allowed to happen, yet this is the current foundation of our society.

He does it, he says, to raise awareness of suffering children.

WHAT?! The only children suffering are ME for having to put up with this kind of stupid bullshit.

Yahoo search:

where can i fuck many people in west virginia

Well, if you live in West Virginia, as I suspect that you do, just look to where most other people from West Virginia look to for many people to fuck -- your family.

Nutscrape search:

does identical twin pussies look alike

Once again, I hate guys. Only a guy would not only spend time pondering such asinine questions, but only a guy would take the time to ask a search engine, and do it with poor grammar nonetheless.

There was an article posted on Slashdot recently about trying to create an embryo with genetic material from two mothers. Now, sperm was still needed to fertilize one egg initially, so it wasn't as if a guy's involvement was totally eliminated. But maybe someday they can figure out how to form viable embryos without sperm, thus negating the need for men, and I think that's the direction we should be heading in.

Sure, I pointed out several days ago that all women hate eachother, so it's not like this alone solves all of the world's problems. Men fight and start wars with eachother over dick size, so I'm sure women would find something to do battle over. I think with men out of the equation, though, that would reduce a lot of the potential for wars right there. As long as there are enough shopping malls that should help matters greatly. And that's not a crack on women; a day and age when we're focused on building malls instead of nuclear weapons sounds great to me. From a personal standpoint it's unfortunate that even feminized guys like me would be eliminated and unable to enjoy this, but hey. That's the price we pay for progress.

I don't know how The Onion keeps raising the bar like they do, but they do.

For the uninitiated, that period is not misplaced

Sun Microsystems recently came out with a "provocative" ad campaign aimed primarily at competitor Dell. "Provocative" is a word that's virtually meaningless in a country that nearly falls apart at one exposed breast, but the ads are actually pretty ballsy for a big company like Sun. A bit childish, but they still get points from me (and that's what every big company really wants; points from some random dipshit). Some of the ads didn't get approval in major publications which, again, exposed breast. But anyway, here are some of the proposed ones, and here are the ones that ended up getting run. I would consider getting some Sun hardware or using Solaris if it wasn't for the fact that Sun and their OS also suck. Oh, and let's not forget that Java.sucks.

Okay, I've complained about soulless cocksuckers on eBay before, but this takes the cake (where?). Your life sucks, you're an idiot, your family is an idiot, the home inspectors you hire are idiots, and it's the doll's fault? I honestly couldn't even read all of the stuff in that eBay listing because it's just too much (literally and figuratively), but it has to be the biggest sob story of all time to try and hawk some piece of shit item. This is worse than the guy selling his naked anime statues because his girlfriend told him to, the guy who was selling his toys because he was getting a Bimmer, and every other eBay fucker ever. You can read the executive summary here, where I originally heard about the auction.

Milkman Dan: biggest bastard ever.

I'll see you next time, eatin' the pudding.

AOL search:

adele arakawa loves piss drinking

I was not aware of this fact about our local news anchor. Or was someone just hoping that if they made a search about it, that it'd make it come true?