Also, yes, exactly.

Yup, this pretty much says it all.

Although I tried my best not to get caught up in JonBenet Fest™ 2006, I still read my share of articles on all that shit. I did keep it all off of here, though, except I will say this: how hilarious is it that the DNA didn't match? You just knew it wasn't gonna match. No way we could finally start to emerge from this mess. Nope, the train of joy just keeps rolling on. So by hilarious I of course mean, fan. Fucking. Tastic.

The only comfort I can take from this is that at least it didn't involve an American.

When I first saw the headline to this article, I had a momentary lapse in judgment. For a brief moment I went optimist, asking myself "Did Katherine Harris actually say something smart?" Because church and state separation is a lie. The favoritism we give to Christianity in this country is disgusting. But no, of course, she was babbling about some stupid bullshit.

U.S. Rep. Katherine Harris told a religious journal that separation of church and state is "a lie" and God and the nation's founding fathers did not intend the country be "a nation of secular laws."

The God part is just fucking stupid. But like most of the rest of her comments, we'll set that aside. You either realize what she's saying is crap, or you're an idiot.

One thing I'm pissed with in general is this notion of always trying to figure out the intent of the founding fathers. Unless if things are pretty obvious (as they rarely seem to be), it's a waste of fucking time trying to decide what a bunch of dead guys really had on their minds over 200 years ago. Of course, almost no one actually tries to figure out what their intent was -- instead, they claim to be looking for intent when they are actually just trying to find a way to spin those words from the past to fit their agenda.

And even if we do figure out what their real intent was, so what? Is that really the best thing to be following, the thoughts of people from centuries ago? Times were, I dunno, a bit different back then. There is no way the founding fathers could have anticipated all of what was to come long after they were dead. They at least appeared to be apt to this idea, and as such made it possible to adapt the Constitution over time (another debate in and of itself, of course).

If you are still hung up on the founding fathers, let's just remember their intent towards women and non-white people, shall we? They made things pretty clear on those fronts.

One more thing I will comment on from the article:

Harris' campaign released a statement Saturday saying she had been "speaking to a Christian audience, addressing a common misperception that people of faith should not be actively involved in government."

No, the common misconception isn't that people in general think that, the misconception is that us dirty secularists all think that. Sure, maybe some of us would say that, but in any case that is not realistic. This is nothing more than the bullshit mentality that a lot of these right-wingers have, the felling that they're always being persecuted and held back when they are, in fact, in the majority and in charge. As I've said recently and repeatedly in the past, they are nothing but a bunch of spoiled, over-sensitive crybabies.

The problem isn't people of faith being active in government, it's people of faith letting their faith go too far in their decision making. How far is too far? Hard to define clearly; it's one of those "I know it when I see it" types of things. Obviously a person's faith is going to at least color their thoughts and actions in some way. But stupid shit like consulting with God before going to war? That's dumb, and that's dangerous.

I also love how morons like this have absolutely no perspective on anything. Yeah, you want to break down the already weak walls between church and state? Fine. Because we've never seen entire areas of the world in figurative and literal flames because faith was running the show.

Alright, I seriously am not making any special effort to include links to porn sites in recent posts, but there's another set of naughty links coming up here. Well, porn of sorts, at least.

Can someone explain to me the need for that? Look, it's bad enough that so many women in porn and skin rags have a sort of Borg-like thing going in that they're part human, part plastic. But does there need to be a site dedicated to fucking women that are literally plastic? Or, well, whatever the fuck materials they use for those things.

I'm putting people who look at RealDoll porn up there in Christan Conservative territory on the loser scale. Again, if I'm calling you out in the "need to find something better to do with your time" department, you need to check yourself. I'm not going after people who have RealDolls, although I probably should, especially when taking into account how much one of those things costs. No, I don't have one, and am not intending to get one. Although considering where I'm at at this juncture, maybe I should. I'm good at buying things.

Oh, and for anyone new to RealDolls or anyone in need of review, go ye forth, and be creeped out.

Shit, speaking of creepy. We're alredy familiar with the full-on dolls that they sell, but check out this thing that they sell. Jesus R. Christ, I'm going to have nightmares about ol' Stumpy there. All I can picture is trying to fuck that thing and then the stumps start moving around of their own accord. Shit, I need to go drink.

Okay, I think this is a pretty weak crop again. I've been waiting for fucking ever for a really good search hit to come along to close off with, but it just isn't happening. This has been in draft stage for nearly a month and I just want to get it the fuck out there.

Spam:

Obesity is really widespread

No. Fucking. Shit.

who the fuck cares about danica patrick

Well, you, apparently.

do jews pray in a certain direction

Yeah -- facing the bank. Sorry, I couldn't resist. And I know you laughed, Mel Gibson.

Spam:

Bullets sprinkled 0n her twat

Nice, just what we were missing -- porn for the gun-nut set. In case this appeals to you, I recently read about (incoming porn link) this in Hustler.

iran sucks donkey dongs

Fuck, why haven't we had this guy doing our negotiating for us? The level of intelligence that this 'blog attracts via search engines is just astounding.

Spam:

Separate yourself from other men

I don't need some crap being hawked in junk mail to be able to accomplish that.

your shit is gonna get kicked in the fuck

What the hell is that even supposed to mean?

jimmy fucking her mom

Apparently, there's something about Jimmy we were previously unaware of. Okay, two things.

teresa heinz tits

When I first saw this in my referral log, the first thought that came into mind was Teresa Heinz Kerry topless with ketchup all over her tits. I know that's not a pleasant image, but it ended up in my head so now you have to suffer too.

how to fuck some women in vietnam

Talk to Gary Glitter. Oh, wait, women? Nevermind.

Spam:

Oh, you are not able to control your feelings!

There's an interesting new approach. "Sorry, honey, I just wasn't able to control my feelings for you." You know some women would buy into that at least once.

Alright, so saw this on CNN last night:

Is Britney's hubby -- 'K-Fed' -- a hip-hop joke?

Exactly why someone felt the need to even ask this is a sad referendum on, I dunno, everything. K-Fed is the only person I've ever known of who is pushing forward to have a music career solely to get people off his ass.

Have you seen or heard his shit? Oh my god. I wish I hadn't, but I have. That's what I get for letting myself get suckered into watching the Teen Choice Awards (some of you are asking "Why?", the rest of you have been here more than once). But seriously, dude, just go back to being Mr. Spears and shut the fuck up already. We can mock you just fine with you in that position.

Spanktrovision

Christian conservatives are the biggest fucking losers in the history of mankind. These people need to get a life and find something better to do with their time. This coming from me.

A coalition of 13 conservative groups -- including the Family Research Council and Concerned Women for America -- took out full-page ads in some editions of USA Today earlier this month urging the Justice Department and FBI to investigate whether some of the pay-per-view movies widely available in hotels violate federal and state obscenity laws.

What the fuck? The shit they show in hotels is soft-core, for starters. Or at least, I was under the impression that most of it is. And if not, so what? It's not like they're gonna push any real boundaries by showing horse porn or something. And besides...

They made clear, however, that their companies consider adult movies to be an acceptable option because they can be ignored or blocked out by guests not wishing to view them.

I can't believe that such a simple concept is so easily ignored with so many things like this in this country. Of course, for these CC cretins, we shouldn't have basic rights like being able to make a choice to beat off. Choice is un-American. God, it's sad that I put that out there intending it to be a joke, only to realize it's true.

The leader of the campaign against in-room porn is Phil Burress, a self-described former porn addict who heads the Cincinnati-based Citizens for Community Values.

What a loser. Once you knew how to beat off and now you're repressed. That's great, chief.

"As more and more of these (hardcore) titles become available, we're going to have sexual abuse cases coming out of the hotels," he said. "Hotels are just as dangerous as environments around strip joints and porn stores."

I seriously don't want to live in a world where someone can say something this stupid and not immediately be shot in the face. This, of course, makes me as big of a fascist as the CC crowd is. But I'm not in charge of anything, nor do I have influence over anything of importance.

Seriously, though, back that shit up with some facts, asshole. Because, clearly, there are no sex abuse cases in hotels with porn out of the picture. Of course, facts are also un-American, especially to this crowd. All that matters to them is being a spoiled fucking baby that has to have everything it's lame-ass way.

Burress said he was "cautiously optimistic" that Justice Department officials -- whom he and other anti-porn leaders confer with periodically -- would seriously consider investigating hotel-based pornography.

It wouldn't surprise me if they did, those stupid shitheads. Because, really, this is something worth wasting time over. No real criminals left out there or anything. And nothing better these people could be doing with their time and money like, I dunno, helping people. No, that would be something Christ might do.

It's going to be wall-to-wall JonBenet for awhile, and as such things of importance such as this are getting pushed aside. Not that most would pay attention or care. Nor will it make a difference since Team Bush does what they want and they get away with it, anyway.

So what was that bullshit we heard one time about the guy in the ads not being the real Dave Thomas?

I also find it rather amusing that the restaurant's "about us" page has a tagline of "We believe you deserve better." I haven't eaten at a Wendy's in years, and that's defintely a good thing. Going there means a triple cheeseburger greaseball that raises my cholesterol just from thinking about it. It has nearly 60 grams of fat if you need it. And now I want a Frosty. Fuck.

For fans of old-school Star Trek, this is awesome.

Incoming porn link, so you've been warned.

Alright, so I just read about this in the AV Club. And, yeah. In many ways, that has to be the dumbest fucking thing ever. But it does have the potential for brilliance, just not for 30 bones a month. And could Jenna Jameson please go the fuck away now? Your tits are way too big, you've gotta be like 50 now, and you haven't been hot in a very, very long time, so please leave us alone.

Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with people? Aside from all the obvious reasons, and, well, I guess that answers my question. But c'mon. Every damn month it seems I get it from both sides when I peruse the latest issues of Hustler and Barely Legal. In the letters, guys will always get off about how they want to fuck Jenna Jameson. There was one asshole who actually said that he envied Jenna's husband because he's, quote, lucky. Maybe it's just me and I'm selfish (maybe?), but if I had a wife I'd really rather not have other guys sticking their dick in my wife all day long as a matter of course. Hey, if that works for you, no prob, but I'm guessing that's not the case for a lot of guys. Some shit sounds better in your head, chief, than it does in execution. But then again, a lot of guys are idiots. Hence, the vast majority of my referral log.

And then there are all the models who kiss ass with Jenna Jameson, saying how she's their idol, blah blah blah. I guess I can understand that in a way, though. If you can get in good with Jenna Jameson I'm sure you could make some inroads in porn. But it's still nauseating for everyone to be cumming all over themselves over the "plastic and rapidly aging" (as another non-sycophant letter writer put it) Jenna Jameson.

Finally, some fantasy sports bullshit that I can get on board with. At least conceptually.

Could be meat, could be cake. I think it's... Meatcake!

We'll always have Paris. Sadly.

One of the things I hate the most (this is pretty telling considering how much shit I hate) is bullshit celebrity announcements that are treated as if they're actual, important news. Like remember when Snoop Dogg gave up weed? That's great, Snoop, I'm cool with whatever you do. But aside from the impact it has on yourself and those around you, it's fucking meaningless. Or how about Lance Bass coming out recently? I don't give a shit if some man bander is gay or straight. It effects nothing other than the people he fucks.

Then today I see this. I don't give a flying fuck, OK? Hey, when you announce that you're going to stop showing off your cunt to the rest of the world (I mean the one between your legs, not the bigger one named "Paris Hilton"), then you can announce that as news because it will actually mean something to me. But this? Who gives a shit.

... says Hilton, who told the magazine she has had sex with only two men during her lifetime.

Alright, whatever. This woman just might have a looser interpretation of sex than Clinton. Pun intended.

"I never received a dime from it. It's just dirty money and he should give it all to some charity for the sexually abused or something."

How much money do you have, you fucking bitch? I'd be curious if she gives out any money that helps victims of sexual abuse. And even if she does, she could most likely stand to give a little bit more.

The Hilton Hotels heir and uber-socialite told the magazine she is "very shy" and relates to the late Princess Diana, who was hounded by photographers.

Again, Paris, we have all seen pictures of your vagina. I have known plenty of outgoing girls who have never had a picture showing their cooch show up in a magazine.

"I've been in cars trying to get away from speeding paparazzi before and it's horrible, so I can relate to Diana and the problems she had," Hilton is quoted as saying.

Yeah, well, except that Diana is dead, and you're not. Oh, if only things were reversed. The media hype around Di was fucking ridiculous, but at least she was a mother and supported some good causes. As opposed to, you know, being a dumb cunt who just expects others to donate to good causes.

The absolute worst thing about Paris Hilton is that she's ugly. I've seen maybe a couple of pictures where it was like, okay, maybe she's marginally pumpable there, if you can discount all the diseases you'd catch from her. But by and large she looks like shit. Obviously it would be preferable to deal with neither, but why can't we at least make a trade for her sister to be the one we always have to see all over the goddamn place? She's no prize package either, and I wouldn't be surprised if she's equally as vapid, but she's at least decent looking compared to that cunt Paris.

Here is a pretty solid idea.

Then there was this that I read about somewhat recently. No, it's not abuse, it's just stupid and fucked up. Fucked up for obvious reasons, and stupid for this comment by the photographer, Jill Greenberg, who undoubtedly considers herself an "artist":

"The first little boy I shot, Liam, suddenly became hysterically upset," the Los Angeles-based photographer said. "It reminded me of helplessness and anger I feel about our current political and social situation."

What? Jesus Christ lady, you are really fucking stretching your attempts at social commentary on this one. Your pretentiousness and self-importance really shine through with that leap in thought. This project isn't about the "helplessness and anger" you feel, it's about "Hi, I like to make kids cry."

Why are all the kids naked, or at least topless? If naked kids are involved and I'm calling you out instead of making a joke then you've probably done something wrong. And what kind of asshole parents are setting their kids up for this shit?

"Taking away a lollipop is not child abuse. There's no irreparable harm. I'm just not sure there's any significance to the photographs either."

Even if it's coming from some other pretentious art fuck, that pretty much says it all.

And while we're on the subject of pictures of kids (relax, what you expect from me is not forthcoming), I may as well link yet another gem from The Onion.

Basement lipo. Yeah, no way that that can go wrong. This post, however, can go way more wrong.

"There are people who will take advantage of women who can't travel to Brazil or who don't have the resources, because aesthetics are so important in Brazil," she said.

Well, even if aesthetics are important, they apparently aren't all that choosy in the end. According to Maxim a few years back, one in ten women in Brazil has had sexual contact with an animal at some point. And we trust what Maxim has to say on everything.

"Get a load of this, everyone. Even as we're all sittin' here, somewhere out there somewhere, someone's having sex with an animal. Yeah! And some of you are thinkin' "Let's get there before there's a line." Well that's not what I'm talking about... People are having sex with animals! And then we wonder why the animals attack us!"
- Dave Attell

This is pretty hilarious. If something that improbable happens, you were just somehow destined to get in trouble.

The woman, who became suspicious of the delay as the waitress went to call police, fled the Moosehead Saloon, but her companion provided her name.

Having your friend rat you out is also pretty solid. Of course, I guess you can't really expect for someone to lie to the cops for you. You should, however, give your friends a heads-up if you're fleeing the scene of some kind of crime so that maybe they can get the hell out too.

Maria Bergan, 23, of Lakewood, was charged Sunday night with identity theft and receiving stolen property.

And that makes it even more solid -- she was actually of legal age to drink. You might try mixing in a driver's license of your own someeday, Maria. You've only had seven years (depending on local laws) to get your shit together on that one.

See, why can't more politicians have a sense of humor like this? I think this country would be a lot better off if 230 years ago we hadn't declared our independence from being able to take a fucking joke.

Alright, it didn't take as long to put this compilation together, and there's a whole mess of crap in here. Either shit's picking up, or I'm lowering the bar.

how the fuck do you get ahead in this world?

By doing Yahoo searches. Clearly.

celtic feet fucking

I wasn't aware that the Celts had their own methods for feet fucking. Either way, find me some hot Celtic girls with nice feet, and I'm in.

gays food fuck

Hey, I fucked fruit.

christians against feminism messageboard

Christians against feminism? Isn't that redundant? Hey, fuck you: made from a man's rib. We could go on and on, but that tells you all you need to know right there.

fuck you i am a piece of shit

Yeah! You sure told them!

You piece of shit computer! Where the fuck can i find some nike shoes?

Yeah, it's the computer's fault that you're too stupid to know about these things called "stores," dickface. Out of all the retards and child molesters I've gotten here via search engines, I think I either hate this guy the most, or at least, he's somewhere towards the top.

BLM fucked up

You had to consult Google on this one? Like I haven't made this abundantly clear as is? Or were they not talking about me, but instead having issues with the Bureau of Land Management?

fuck me and make me have an organism

This one is so awesome that I don't even need to say anything -- it stands on it's own two (or more, depending) feet.

guys in the army fucking everything with a pussy

Yeah, maybe everything with a man pussy. Or as I prefer to call it, mangina.

Spam:

And it's not strange -- you cuum very fast!

No, it's not strange. That's the problem.

horse fuckers next strike

Have horse fuckers formed a union? I'm just waiting to see flyers for the local 212 of the UHF.

fisting toronto -teen -girl -girls -lesbian -aids

Okay, you're looking for fisting, but you want to exclude teens, girls, and lesbians? What fun could possibly come of this search? Okay, okay, so this person has different tastes than me -- that's cool. But why the need to explicitly exclude "aids"? Are they talking about the disease? Is this really something closely coupled with fisting? Or are they talking about "aids" in the sense of something or someone that helps? The only "aids" you need for fisting are A) a fist and B) an accommodating hole.

Spam:

Youung girl brutally analpenetratted by black HORSSE. model

OK, I understand the soft racism of specifying black men because all black guys, of course, have huge cocks, but why was there a need to specify that the horse, sorry, HORSSE, is black? Is porn of young girls taking it up the ass from horses so common that people can afford to be choosy as to what color the animal is?

Spam:

Why be an average guy any longer

What makes you think I'm even average?

What does one earring in the left ear mean on a man

It means he's a dooshebag with an earring in his left ear. God damn it, it's been like 20 years since this might have had relevance. As we so often do here, we defer to Carlin: "That thing with the earring? It's over. Has been for a long time. It was supposed to piss off the squares. The squares are wearing them now!"

And for the grand finale of this batch of garbage, I present a search hit that is truly epic:

what does it mean when someone is shitting on you in a dream

Several weeks back ETP and I got into a discussion of Super Mario Brothers 2. We're cool like that. Anyway, anyone who's moderately hard-core knows that SMB2 started out in Japan being called Doki Doki Panic. Now, I know that "doki doki" is used as kind of a written sound effect (if that makes sense) to describe a beating heart, especially when a character is excited in some way. Now, as to what the fuck that has to do with Mario Brothers, I had no clue. As it turns out, it has nothing to do with Mario at all. Interesting to note that The Lost Levels, which was part of Super Mario All Stars for the SNES, still wasn't SMB2 as it was released in Japan. Arrogant fuckers.

Well, this is fucking weak, but not unexpected. Still, Ignorant Man Walking™ Bill Fucking Frist was on board with this one. But still, no, Bush is living in some bullshit world of black-and-white morality, except for the whole "black" part of it. Ahem.

"It crosses a moral boundary that our decent society needs to respect, so I vetoed it," he said on Wednesday.

"Moral" and "decent" pretty much have no place with reference to our society or this decision. Decent? Yeah, alright. And where is the morality in fucking with something that could help improve millions of lives? Again, we're not sacrificing live babies for this shit, just goddamn embryos.

Mr Bush announced his decision at the White House in the company of 18 families whose children were born after using embryos "unwanted" by other couples seeking fertility treatment.

Oooooh, such a shrewd move, Bush! You sure showed me! And how about those embryos that will never, ever do anything but take up freezer space? I know we just went over the whole "potential for life" thing with the birth control debate, but that does not make this shit any less stupid or simplistic. They are doing something immoral while hiding behind the curtain of morality. Note to James Dobson: that's hypocrisy.

And even if (IF!) we are killing something that could potentially be alive, so what? What ever happened to the notion of making sacrifices for the greater good? Bush might understand this concept had he ever been in the military or served his country in some fashion. Hell, he just needed to listen to Spock when he said that oftentimes the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one. If you want to throw any of that Star Trek III shit in my face, spare me.

Then there's the fact that it's really stupid (slash hypocritical) for this man to be so obsessed with saving something that merely could be a human life while being totally cool with throwing away actual human life by sending it off to die in an unnecessary war. Of course, Carlin put it best, as he so often does: "These Republicans are looking for live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers."

One encourages stem cell research using cells from sources other than embryos, and the other bill bans the growing and aborting of foetuses for research.

Oh, that's great. I'm glad to see that something useful was accomplished today. A side issue to all this shit:

In waiting until the fifth year of his presidency to veto any legislation, Mr Bush became the first president to complete four years in office without a veto since John Quincy Adams in the 1820s.

This is also fucking sick, and shows what a bad bloody state we're in. This shows that over the past five years, there has, effectively, been no debate and no dissent between two out of three branches of government, with the third really not far behind. The "checks and balances system" has effectively just been reduced to checks. Yeah, that sounds pretty healthy. And, of course, this is no startling revelation -- anyone paying attention to anything (which is, maybe, a couple dozen people) already know this, but having it really laid out in a little fact like that just helps to drive home how much this blows.

Random tidbit: we all know I keep getting search hits about imitation crab and pregnancy, but I never knew what the fuck the relation was until a few days ago when I was enlightened via the guestbook:

Oh, one last thing: I don't know if you ever found out, but the whole imitation crab sticks/pregnancy thing is because some imitation crab sticks contain shark, which (like lots of predatory fish) has high levels of mercury.

Big ups to Kyle for posting something in the guestbook that was not a bunch of rambling crap (as opposed to most other entries) in addition to being educational.

Amusing searches have been far and few between again as of late. For as long as it's taken to put together a new list you'd think it'd be a decent one, but no, this is a pretty piss-poor crop of stuff that's already piss-poor by nature. Sadly, we go to 'blog with the material we have, not the material we want.

if you a guy and you wont to wear a tampon is that alright

Uhhhhh, depending on where you are planning to "wear" that tampon, and what your motivations for doing so are, you may want to visit a doctor before or after this little adventure.

ways to try to get yourself the hiccups

When I first saw this, I was like, that's easy -- just do what my stepdad always advised: hold your breath and count to a thousand. Then I re-read it -- this person doesn't want to get rid of the hiccups, they want to get them. What the fuck? How annoying and infuriating are the hiccups? Why would you want to bring them on purposely? Hey chief, why don't you look into how you can give yourself cancer while you're at it. The thing that irritates me the most about the hiccups is that if they go on for not too long, I start getting used to the sensation. Then when they finally go away, I sit there for at least a half a minute in anticipation of the next one, and I find myself a little pissed off that it isn't coming just because I'm expecting it.

picture of gas nozzle in the butt

Talk about taking it up the ass from the oil companies. Now we know the real reason gas prices are so high.

Fuck my little pussy with your big dick

Wow, you must have a really little pussy if you're saying that to me.

Spam:

If getting a brand watch was your dream from the childhood

Okay, this is sad on so many levels. If having a nice watch was a childhood dream, you had a pathetic childhood and I'm guessing you're a sad-sack in adulthood. Furthermore, if you had that dream as a child and you're fulfilling it with a shitty knock-off in a spam e-mail, well, yeah. Sad sack.

"liberal bias" "weather channel"

You've got to be fucking kidding me. I don't know what's more pathetic -- someone trying to find bias in the Weather Channel, or the notion of left-leaning weather forecasts in the first place. The latter makes me think of AM760 in the Denver area, which is our local liberal, ERRRRR, progressive radio station. I can't stand to listen to it often, but when I do I hear the traffic report, segments which they refer to as "progressive traffic." And every time I hear that I think to myself, do we really need left-wing traffic reports?

how to fuck a husband

Divorce him and take half. EDDDDDDIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

how do i put my penis in my girlfriends vagina

I really wish I was making a lot of these up, but no, there are people out there making queries like this. Anyone this dumb shouldn't be putting their penis anywhere that might lead to breeding; I'd suggest putting it in a blender or the garbage disposal instead. And since I'm sure you need full instructions, flip the goddamn "on" switch after inserting.

schoolgirls take over world

Aside from myself taking over, there has never, ever been a world domination idea that I've been more on board with. Sure, it will turn out more vapid and stupid than I want to admit, but at least it'll look hot.

ken fucks barbie

How?