Altavista search:

free pics monkeys fucking monkeys

Yeah, I hate it when I get charged for my monkey porn.

Google search:

'bionicle porn'

You've got to be kidding me.

New GYWO.

Here's some cutie I came across online: Mizuhara Arisa. There are a ton of cosplay pictures on that page, including - that's right - some Battle Royale cosplay, which there's just not enough of. Just click on that gibberish they call "Japanese" on the left to find all the shit I'm talking about.

The joys of international exchange.

War titles making a comeback whenever I goddamn feel like it.

What is with all the fucking titles all of a sudden?

Beats the hell out of me. I just work here.

Unless of course if by "bang" you mean...

I can't believe that "University of Colorado for out-of-staters" didn't make this list. Also, BYU... Utah... Mormons... Who knew?

Chicago Cubs Mathematically Eliminated from Playoff Contention

That title was one of my favorite Onion front-page one-liners from a couple of years back. They did it at the very beginning of the '98 season when, ironically, the Cubs actually made the playoffs. After last year's predictably shitty end this past offseason gave us some hope with the signing of players like Greg Maddux (nice to see us getting him back after he's made it through his days of being God) and Derrek Lee. With the starting rotation anchored by Prior, Wood, and the aging but still good Maddux, some people had the Cubs pegged to take the central.

Well, here we are, a couple weeks in to the season. The Cubs are off to a not stellar but not horrible start. Prior is out with an Achilles problem, although rumors have been going around that that's a coverup for the fact that Prior needs Tommy John surgery. Just like last season, I so desperately don't want to get invested in this season. The offseason made it difficult, the beginning of the season is making it a bit easier. Of course, it's not like it matters, because we know how last season ended up and how this season will end up. At least I can count on my number two team, the Rockies, to suck ass. Yes, "number two team" is intentional there so that it sounds like a bathroom code. Still, we need to hit a game or two at Coors Canaveral this year because even if the game sucks, that's always a good time.

Maybe I should just start following Japanese baseball. Since I have a tendency to gravitate towards loser teams, maybe I could root for the Hanshin Tigers, the Cubs/BoSox of the Japanese league who won their first division championship in like 17 years last season only to end up losing the Japan Series. Also, where the fuck else are you going to find team names like the Carp or the Swallows outside AA ball?

By no means take the last line in context with the previous rant

As we all know, the messageboard was a resounding failure. Probably due in part (that is, entirely) to my wonderful ability to motivate people. The messageboard sucks so hard that I don't even pay attention to it, and I didn't even realize that there was a several week old response to my poll until a couple of days ago.

Just as a note to Frilly, it absolutely counts if you don't have a wanker. In fact, it's highly encouraged for the wankerless - both participation in the poll as well as participation in the poll's subject. As the old maxim goes, you just can't beat a woman playing with herself.

Anyone who doesn't see the humor or at least the sarcasm in this post needs a beating

I find this campaign sadly amusing. The fact that we're so fucked up as a society that we feel the need to tell young boys that you're not supposed to beat women. I never had to be taught any of this shit, I just kinda knew it was something I shouldn't do. Okay, okay, that didn't stop me from hitting my little stepsister when we were younger, but trust me - she was asking for it. Childhood bullshit aside, I know better, and I suspect most guys do as well. The sad fact of the matter is that all too many guys don't get it and they end up on the domestic violence route.

Seriously though, how hard is it to figure out that you shouldn't be some psycho DV perp? No, if you're going to beat your women, you need to learn to do it in moderation. If you get lucky, maybe you'll get some of that Stockholm Syndrome thing going on.

And now, for your amusement, some domestic violence jokes:

"Everyone'll give you a reason to fuck them up. Shit, there's a good reason to push an old man down the stairs. Just don't do it"
- Chris Rock

"So I'm sittin' in a bar, and I see this woman. And I say to myself, 'Why not go bug the shit out of her.' So I'm walkin' over there - I'm wearing clogs - and I notice she's got a black eye, a shiner. And I'm thinking, 'Great, she doesn't listen.'"
- Dave Attel

"So we go back to her place, and we end up having sex doggy style. Hey, I didn't plan it that way, that's just how she ended up passing out."
- Dave's corollary to the above joke

"Just wait until you come down tomorrow morning and see all of our abused plants."
- ETP to BOETP after a little spat

No shit, John. Okay, okay, I can cut him a little slack. These notions that Bush is playing up terrorism for political gain and had a pre-determined agenda is pretty obvious to many people, but they do sadly bear repeating for all the stupid fucks who don't get it. Then again, if they have to ask, they'll probably never know.

Still, I can't help but kinda wish there was a way for Kerry to lose without Bush winning.

Another load of total horseshit from Bush's press conference this week: "I look forward to seeing what the 9/11 commission comes up with." Yeah, that's right. You mean the commission whose creation you opposed, and the commission you and your R cronies have done everything to thwart, only caving in when the pressure is on from EVERYONE even though you don't pay attention to polls?

For example, commission Chairman Thomas Kean said he is concerned that U.S. intelligence, as structured, isn't providing the president with the kind of information he needs.

Yeah, but I'm pretty sure that, considering the Iraq deal, U.S. intelligence is giving him the information he wants.

I'm looking at my calendar, and next Wednesday is labeled as "Administrative Professionals Day." You mean Secretary's Day? Do we need to re-label everything in this country? And for what reason? Where exactly was the shame in using the word "secretary"? How does the shame, if it ever existed, go away by re-naming it? We do this with everything. And yeah, I know, this is not an original thought pretty much like the rest of this goddamn website. We do it with job functions. We do it with physical ailments. We're so fucking stupid in this country that we can actually convince ourselves that simple re-labeling somehow causes a re-birth. The thing is, we STILL don't believe that, but we somehow live with the disconnect. Oh, wait, I know how we deal with it. The way we deal with everything else in this country - denial. Jesus Christ, grow up.

Krugman points out that while Iraq isn't Vietnam, there are some definite similarities. Like I've said before, I'm no Vietnam expert (just like with everything else other than maybe porn downloading). Still, I do know enough about Vietnam to know that it's scary shit if people are able to find legitimate points of comparison.

I was just looking through my list of drafts, and realized there are a couple I should just clear out of there. There really isn't much in the "drafts" folder, seeing as how I rarely use it because I pretty much post everything I think about posting nearly right away. Which explains nearly 2,000 posts and the total lack of quality here. Still, let's try and get those few down to even fewer.

First up is this story from, oh, three-and-a-half months ago. I think that's a pretty fucked up scam right there; proposing to someone as you're (potentially) dying. I mean, what the hell is this woman going to do? Say no? It's evil, but it's pretty brilliant. As we all know, I respect evil genius even if I don't agree with it (see: TB). Assuming you survive, of course.

Another random thing fits in with the McDonald's rant, because it's another ad campaign that pissed me off. I don't know if they're still doing it, but at least a couple of months back Ford was running ads for the new F-150. The thing that pissed me off about those ads was that they said "Only this truck earned the right to be the next F-150." Oh yeah? Well no fucking shit, assholes. Of course it got to be the next F-150. It was DESIGNED to be the next F-150. I don't know what automotive R&D is like, but I doubt they had several teams working on different designs and then at the end they had a multi-way cage match to determine the next White Trashmobile. Furthermore, it's not like the Silverado or the Ram were in competition to be the next F-150. Fuck you, Ford, and while we're at it, fuck Toby Keith.

Okay, nice to get that out of the way on what's shaping up to be another Random Bullshit Friday. Only distinguishable from every other day since it's, well, Friday.

Okay, I have fucking HAD IT with the latest McDonald's ad campaign. This stupid bullshit "I'm lovin' it" fucking nonsense, this awful fucking idea of trying to take a bloody DOW component and couple it with a shitty attempt at even shittier hip-hop-ish/urban/not white music is just infuriatingly annoying. I can't believe I'm longing for the days of the lamest fucking slogan ever, "We love to see you smile." Can you fat fucks stop suing McDonald's because you made your own fat fucking asses fat and instead sue them for putting out this obnoxious bullshit? Fuck you, fatties, and fuck you, McDonald's. Just like everything else in this world, when it comes to your latest campaign, I'm hating it.

Bad times.

Some commentary on the U.S. once again rolling over for whatever Israel says. Once the Middle East completely goes up in flames (because, yup, it can still get way, way worse than it already is), at least we can say that we were "just following orders."

Something to look forward to in August. Not sure what that something is, but it's something, alright.

Currently on MSN's front page:

Signs your romance is on the rocks

Ummmm.... You're looking to MSN for relationship advice?

Ahh, the wonderful worlds of nationalism and indoctrination.

There were many points of specific bullshit in Bush's press conference earlier this week that I didn't get to, and this is one of them. This notion that we never, ever could have imagined that terrorists would use hijacked airliners as weapons. That's utter horseshit considering that we've heard plenty of examples over the past couple of years where people raised the notion pre-9/11. Sure, there might not have been any specific threats, but at least the idea was on the table.

The government needs to hire me to just sit around all day thinking up evil shit that the terrorists could pull off, because I am all about worst-case scenario planning. I may not be able to get us prepared for the Second Coming, but I'll at least have us thinking about it.

Headline of the day, even if it's not real. Much like the Holy Trinity itself.

Code for: the Saudi government isn't working hard because they don't like us, although they do love our money. They also have us by the balls and, as such, can get away with whatever they feel like.

Another 'blog that's getting some run just because I like the title.