It's a chicken!

Okay, I seriously am not posting this link because the story involves sex with an underage girl. For various reasons I'm trying to knock that shit off, but I doubt I'll be very successful. At any rate, I need to talk about some other shit.

"... the Fundamental Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints..."

I apparently was not up to speed on the Mormons, as I didn't realize that there was a fundamentalist sect of them running around out there. I guess I just thought that all of them were into the multiple wives thing. Either way, regular Mormons are fucking nuts as it is. I'm sorry, but that's all there is to it. Hey, I've known a good one or two of them, and that's an adequate sample population if I ever saw one. Seriously, all I needed to see was the family of this one girl we were friends with in high school. If I thought it would piss off enough people, I'd go into it.

Well, okay. So check this out. They put on this front of being a pretty happy family and all that shit. Then it gets to one point where her dad was cheating on her mom with this total flake who, fuck, was she a stripper? I can't even remember the whole ordeal. Needless to say, a divorce ensued. Her dipshit dad went off and did his thing, and her mom ended up getting together with this guy who was like 15 years younger than her. Of course, she wasn't exactly upfront with how young he was with her kids, and it wasn't until our friend went and snooped and looked at his driver's license that everyone found out just how young he was. It's not like anyone gave a shit; her mom was pretty cool and rather hot, so we were like, more power to 'ya if you want a younger guy. Like Wanda Sykes once said, of you can't find a good man, raise one. Anyway, he was uncomfortable around kids his own age. He earned the nickname of "Junior" with us.

Our friend was a good Mormon girl. I guess. She wouldn't do the caffeine thing, wouldn't smoke, shit like that. But once the shit started to hit the fan with her parents, it was on. All of a sudden she was trying out booze, and cigarettes, and Pepsi, and just generally going against everything she claimed to believe. So that was definitely entertaining. Prior to all this I had developed a pretty big crush on her, knowing full well that it was a mistake since she was crazy well before her parents' marriage hit the rocks. But I couldn't help it; she was cute -- despite having those mormon teeth -- and we got along rather well. Unfortunately for me, however, her "Mormon Girl Gone Wild" phase did not include dating guys she considered "second rate garbage." Like I said, I knew what I was getting myself into with that racket.

Okay, so I hadn't intended to start giving some insight into why I'm so damaged on certain fronts, so let's get back to how fucked up the mormons are.

Members believe a man must marry at least three wives in order to ascend to heaven.

This sounds reasonable. If you have the patience to put up with one woman bitching at you for the rest of your life -- nonetheless three -- you deserve some kind of reward once you're put down.

The sect dominates the towns of Colorado City, in Arizona, and Hildale, in Utah, less than a mile away.

Why is Colorado City in Arizona? I don't care if the river runs through there; that's stupid. And is Donna Reed one of these people? Hey, the town might have dropped an "L" over the years.

And, uh, I guess that's really it. Mormons are scary, and the idea of Fundamental Mormons is even scarier.

Oh, I guess I could talk about polygamy, but it really boils down to the fact that I don't care, and I don't see why anyone else should either, except that they're dumb. "It'll destroy the foundation of" shut the fuck up. If you really want multiple women nagging you or you want to share your husband with other women, you go right ahead. I could give a shit.

"Yeah, and I heard that the whole Osmond family, is a bunch of morons."
- Beavis

Be sure and read this before or after a large meal.

I still need to look into getting a new box and setting up my own RAID.

Google search:

rave mix inspector gadget free download

This one has me kinda curious -- if anyone can shoot me a link to this, I would be much obliged.

It's official: having to listen to Christina Arrugala is torture. The only thing that I can think of that's more inhumane is forcing someone to look at her. And of course, I'm talking post-"Genie in a Bottle" video. It's sad to see someone go from that to, well, Orc. Actually, I think I'd still rather fuck an Orc -- no telling what Christina has growing down there.

The Pentagon said Kahtani's interrogation was conducted by "trained professionals," and yielded "valuable information" about al Qaeda and its leader, Osama bin Laden.

Wow, I'll bet it was because of this guy that we were finally able to capture Osama and shut his terrorist network down for good.

"The important thing here to understand is that the people that are at Guantanamo are bad people," Cheney said.

Yes, and they're all such bad people that they were held until they were swiftly convicted of committing a crime. None of them are ever let go after a decision has been made that they have nothing. I know, I know, it's different with these guys than it is with common criminals. And national security is at stake! To quote Captain Picard: "Ahhh, internal security. The age old cry of the oppressor." You always know that you have a strong argument when you play the Star Trek quote card.

The Pentagon described the document in Time as a "compromised classified interrogation log," and said it had notified appropriate congressional committees.

Well, if this is all they had to say, then at least it's some kind of implicit admission that what's going on in terms of torture is just policy. Honestly, I don't know if I'm all that upset about the whole torture thing. I mean, yeah, it's pretty uncivilized, but you know, it could be worse (and I doubt anything worse is going on; stuff like that never escalates). If they'd just cop to it that would make it a bit better. And if nothing else, I'm desensitized to it because we all know it's going on, and it's not like we will or even can do anything real to stop it. We can do the good lil' liberal thing by protesting and sending our letters, but it won't do a fucking thing to put an end to it.

The hypocrisy of it all is definitely irritating. Yeah, when it comes to certain "bad people," we'll bend the rules. We won't afford others the rights and treatment that we give ourselves. That always looks pretty good when you're looking to gain credibility, which of course we aren't. And of course, this opens the door for them to expand these little policies outside of the terrorist prison camps. All they need is some kind of "He's comin' right for us!" type of argument, and off they go.

Right now, I think it'd be a good play for TB to close the Guantanamo Bay prison camp. It'd be a great PR move, because then people would be all uppity over thinking that they accomplished something. Of course, the prisoners aren't just going to be let go, and they'll be quietly moved somewhere that's lower profile or just totally secret so that shit can continue.

"What did she have down there? An aluminum bat? A piece of rebar?"
- JFR's comment when Arrugala was stopped after setting off an airport metal detector thanks to a piercing you-know-where (and by "you-know-where" I mean her pussy, if you know what I mean)

Wow. This is fucked up. Hey, when something awful like that happens to you, I think you get a pass to be fucked up. But yeah, that doesn't change the fact that it's fucked up. Link via this new Fe linker.

Lipstick?

Not Proud Confession:

I like to dress up my vagina. I put lipstick and bows on it. I like pink. I shave all but just a little for the bow. My husband loves it.

Hey, you do what you gotta do.

Speaking of eating it up...

Okay, take a look at this from CNN's website:



Now here's the description:

Children in Khaohsiung, Taiwan, sit on Western-style toilets as they enjoy ice cream served in miniature Asian squat toilets at Marton -- a recent hit theme restaurant. It's named after the Chinese word Matong, meaning -- what else -- toilet. The restaurant became so flush with success that owner Eric Wang opened a second branch just seven months after the first.

Damn, dude, Asians are fucked up. This would be totally normal to me if it was coming out of Japan, but it isn't. I at least think Japan has an excuse -- they're still shell shocked from that whole nuclear weapons thing, but what's the rest of Asia's excuse? Yeah, I know everyone has faced some awful shit, but they haven't faced The Bomb like Japan has.

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. FROM A FUCKING TOILET. That's really about it.

Something else funny that I may or may not have linked.

Did I ever post a link to this band, Carne Asada? I don't think so, but either way, I have now. I've been too lazy to reboot into windows so I can actually listen to their songs, but even still, that shit is funny. I like the concept of Full Contact Mariachi -- almost as much as Los Naked Mariachis. And anyone who has a song called "The Ballad of Wesley Crusher" is OK in my book. I also need to start serving it up raw to gringos.

In dork news, Apple decided that it's going to start using Intel chips in their boxes. That's pretty funny. For a good number of the Mac fanboys, I think this would be about equivalent to BMW deciding they were going to start making front-wheel drive cars. BMW isn't, but Apple is, and that makes me laugh because all those frothing-at-the-mouth die-hard Mac users are shitting themselves, backpedaling, and doing all kinds of other fun stuff. They will continue to fellate Steve Jobs because they're already in too deep (no pun intended, especially since Steve is the one who's in deep), but they might not like it as much.

Seriously, I'll bet that a lot of the decisions Appla makes are on a dare. "I dare you to see if they'll buy into this." I all but guarantee that, at least before this Intel debacle, Steve Jobs could have gotten on stage at one of the big Mac conventions, taken a huge dump on stage, said it's Apple's new product, the iShit, and Mac fanboys and evangelists would eat it up, literally and figuratively.

I think the first line of this article really puts it best. Something similar could probably be said for the Linux community (keeping in mind that I am a huge Linux fan; I like the OS and concepts but I hate many of those involved), but that's another discussion for another time. I just love Mac Observer's tag line, too -- "You'll be getting your Mac news here from now on." I think for the first time I really understand why women are turned on by confidence.

Another sad note that I will only care about is that the end of the line has been reached for HP's PA-RISC line of microprocessors. Yet another venerated architecture falling thanks to fucking Itanium. Itanium which, quite frankly, is just a dumb idea. "Hey, let's put it all in the hands of the compiler writers!" Yeah, that's a good idea -- let the software people take care of it. So yeah. Alpha, PA-RISC, Itanic, fucking weak.

Yeah, they did this on accident -- either that or they need all the help they can get and someone just forgot the rules. Seriously, I'll bet they already had him penciled in to start next week.

Google search:

is going to a prostitute cheating

The fact the someone felt the need to ask this -- to Google nonetheless -- is a sad commentary on everything.

Yahoo search:

bestiality/walrus fuckers

I know everyone is sick of the animal jokes, but I'm not. Actually, it is pretty played out, but I felt that this deserved mention since I've never seen someone into walruses before.

Oh yeah, and another thing that won't change no matter what: the fact that I hate racist fucking pieces of shit.

I definitely think it's good for the Democratic party when Howard Dean decides to go Howard Dean. Or at least, different. Hey, they tried being total pussies about everything, so why not try being assholes? It works for Republicans; the only problem is that Republicans are really good at it. The Democrats, on the other hand:

Last weekend, Sen. Joe Biden, D-Delaware, and 2004 vice presidential candidate John Edwards criticized Dean for his recent remarks, saying he doesn't speak for them.

Who wants to bet that a lot of D fuckoffs actually agree with Dean's statement? So why don't they chime in with "Yeah, fuck those white fucking Christian fucks!" except in language that one is likely to hear inside the beltway? Oh, that's right -- because this is the party of John Kerry and Joe Biden and John Edwards. Kerry, well, we all know about him. I'm still convinced Joe Biden could be a total badass if he wasn't suffering from a nasty strain of candyassitis. John Edwards is a good looking man.

"If we can't bring this (country) together, man, boy, we're really in deep trouble."

I don't really need to comment on that one.

Back to what Dean was saying, and more specifically, the reaction:

Asked about it on the "Fox & Friends" show, GOP Party Chairman Ken Mehlman joked that "a lot of folks who attended my Bar Mitzvah would be surprised" he heads a Christian party.

Wow, I guess they're not all white and Christian after all! Ol' Howie was mistaken! Thanks for that total bullshit child logic, Ken.

If and when I ever start caring about this shit more than once a month, I don't know where I'm going to land. I've got the BMW now, and I'm really thinking of getting into guns. But I really can't get down with that whole Jesus thing, no matter how much they offer me unless the offer is substantial. I'll always like queers, but you know, fuck the environment.

Yeah, I just fucking hate liberals now, too. I mean, more than before. They are just such whiny, do-nothing fucks. Not like this is a new stance for me, but now I find myself saying, you know what? Maybe the conservatives are right, even though they're not. I just know the liberals aren't right, either. "Hi, what we have to say about everything is completely empty and meaningless and we're really doing it just to say we did it." Boy, nothing beats a marginalized opposition just going through the motions. If of course by "nothing" you mean "everything."

No one has ever put it better than Lewis Black, and no one ever will: "The Democrats are a party of no ideas, the Republicans are a party of bad ideas."

One thing is for sure: I am officially done with The New York Times. I know their subscription service doesn't start for a few months, but fuck 'em. Maureen Dowd is on book leave for awhile, so it's over. I just don't care, and they can fucking blow me. Pretty much the only reason I'm reading your leftist shitrag -- the op-ed page -- is being hidden behind subscriber fees, so go fuck yourselves.

Since I've been even more unhappy with the left as of late than I was pre-election, I haven't even been keeping up with Ted Rall. I went and read the past couple of months that I missed, and while all that nonsense is tired as well, at least it's still kinda funny. But that's about it.

Hey, is Al Franken dead yet? I love how when Air America came to the Denver area (and since Franken is on from 10-1) I was like "Oh no! Oh no! How am I going to decide between Al Franken and Jim Rome?" It was like back in high school when we actually had this debate and we were dead serious: Which is better, Independence Day or The Rock? We eventually realized that The Rock rips the shit out of everything and ID isn't really that good. Al Franken is ID. Jim Rome, similarly, is the clear-cut winner even though I don't listen to much of him either nowadays, but that's only because I either A) forget or B) am getting up too late every day to listen to his show because I was up all night masturbating on the internet. Al Franken, on the other hand, I just can't fucking stand. Yeah, that stupid crap is really doing a lot, Al. Oy!

Okay, that's enough of that for now. Back to our regularly scheduled nothing.

Once again, we failed to sacrifice a goat at six this morning.

This post is tuna safe

So long, and thanks for all the fish. I really hate to make a Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Reference since Hitchhiker's Guide sucks so bad, but that was the first thing that came to mind and that's how I like to get down. Plus, it allowed me to bring up the fact that Hitchhiker's Guide sucks, so it's all good. No, I don't care about the books which I'll never read, because the movie provided enough suckitude to cover all forms of media.

The article raised a few questions for me, as I'm sure it did for you. First off is the fact that it's predominantly female dolphins who are doing this. Did they discover how to use tools, or contraception? This led me to another question. How do dolphins fuck? I'm not at all familiar with their anatomies, but all I think of over most of their bodies is smooth flesh; not appendages or holes besides the fins, mouth, eyes, blowhole, etc. What kind of positioning do they use? I picture them belly to belly, but that just seems awkward. Maybe the male dolphin just pees on the female to get her pregnant. But no, dolphins don't drive Toyota Land Cruisers. Enquiring minds want to know what "dolphin style" is like.

Also, I'm guessing that the male dolphin does not cum into the female's blowhole, except for maybe in their porno movies.

You know, it's mental conversations like this and the subsequent sharing that have really limited my number of friends and readers. And it's blatant rip-off lines that have kept me from becoming a true comic genius.

Now let's head for the edge of the cliff

This will work out great for skinny people laughing at all the fatasses out there.

Five different comedy clips, starting with an outtake from "The Cosby show" -- minus the canned laughter -- were then shown for 10 minutes each, interspersed with five minute intervals of sheep wandering around fields in England.

What I find funny is that during the sheep intervals there was probably at least one person with a boner wrought from sheep lust.

Seriously, a bunch of these need to get made. Also, while we're on the subject.

Revenge is a dish best served sticky

Yup, I'm posting this Not Proud confession just for the sake of the above joke:

I dated a girl for 3 years and never really fucked as hard as I wanted to or could because she was always afraid I would hurt her and tell me to stop if I was going to hard... I didn't realize how much I wanted to fuck her and hurt her until she cheated on me and I broke up with her ... now I don't wanna talk to her but I really want to have one last encounter with her and I want to fuck her brains out till she is crying then cum on her face and never talk to her ever again.

And for any women thinking of doing some jewelry shopping:

I've titty fucked... and my breasts got all stretched out and irritated. Advice: don't try it.

You already know what the joke is

Yahoo search:

Catholicism AND Bullshit

Okay, so I wanted to know what the fuck the British phrase "phwoar" meant, and my search led me to this page that may come in useful for many of us bloody Americans. I suppose it's useful for other non-British, but who cares. They're all stupid anyway.

Dead baby.

It's been awhile since I originally posted a link to confession site Not Proud (just hit the lust section since all the other ones are probably boring), but I think it's been long enough that this will either be good for anyone unfamiliar with the site or a good reminder for those who do. Some of the shit on there is pretty fucking sad, some of it is just fucked up, and a lot of it pretty funny. I found this one, which really isn't much of a confession, to be particularly poignant:

I wish there was a way to have your cake and eat it, too.

This one had a great closing line:

At first my therapist did not excite me. Skinny. also, totally sincere and sweet like my wife, who had been going to see her for years. After a few months I would start to get hard when ever she said more than a few words at once. One session she was all dressed up in a dress and a slit to mid-thigh. She kept shifting to cover her thigh and I could see her white skin and I am sure she saw my erection. All I could think of was walking across the room, pulling out my cock, and shoving it deep into her mouth. Fucking the words back into her.

The power of positive thinking:

When I get down, I remember the time I fucked two women in one day, and I feel that, all in all, I can't complain.

Somebody's pissed:

I got myself off the other night, it had nothing to do with you. Stop being all proud of yourself.

I'm going to refer you to our previous contestant:

I pretend my pillow is eminem and I fantasize about being his wife and sexing him passionately every night... in my fantasy we are expecting a baby boy... I've had this fantasy with many celebrities and whenever I get bored I alternate them, add kids, buy a new house or cheat on them with their best friends... my mind is so amazing. Imagination rocks!

Whoa, don't get too wild there, dude:

Went to a strip-club over the long weekend in montreal and got my self a lap-dance.

And finally, this guy is apparently too cool for school:

I used to break into my high school and beat off all over the place. In the middle of the gym floor, on the auditorium stage, on the big-titted journalism teacher's desk chair, in the girl's locker room, and the piece-de-resistance, on the principals desk. Security at that school was a joke.