Spam:
Sandra experimenting with two guys for her first gangbang.
Is the economy really that shitty that two guys qualifies as a gangbang now? Or maybe I'm just not savvy to the ways of the gangbang, and you start out with just a couple of cocks to keep from overloading yourself.
Saturday, December 24, 2005
Back when I was in high school, I had some problems. I mean, some other problems besides the ones I have today. I was very, very obsessive about grades. For my first two years, I had a 4.0, and I was a fucking nutcase about keeping that up. There was one time that my English teacher gave me, I believe, a B+ on a paper. Not for the semester, just one paper. And I was not happy. I spent all of 7th hour one day bugging the living shit out of him to give me at least the A-. He didn't raise my grade, and probably rightfully so. He probably also should have given me a beatdown, but he didn't. ETP and I used to shoot staples at him during class. I know it's not apparent from this post, but that teacher is one of the fucking coolest guys ever.
Anyway, despite how fucked up I was, I was never this fucked up. I mean, okay, I'd bitch and moan, but fucking stab someone? Dude.
"There's two sides to every story."
Umm, well, yeah. But the fact is, one person came out of this with a stab wound to the neck. It didn't get there on accident.
"She went the extra nine yards when it came to her students."
What the fuck does that even mean? Nine yards won't even get you a first. Unless if it's nine yards beyond the marker, but that's not even a very big deal unless it gets you a touchdown or at least bumps you into field goal range.
Anyway, despite how fucked up I was, I was never this fucked up. I mean, okay, I'd bitch and moan, but fucking stab someone? Dude.
"There's two sides to every story."
Umm, well, yeah. But the fact is, one person came out of this with a stab wound to the neck. It didn't get there on accident.
"She went the extra nine yards when it came to her students."
What the fuck does that even mean? Nine yards won't even get you a first. Unless if it's nine yards beyond the marker, but that's not even a very big deal unless it gets you a touchdown or at least bumps you into field goal range.
Sunday, December 18, 2005
Yahoo search:
how to fuck girl butt and ass same time
I have gotten some really stupid fuckheads coming here via search engines. You don't even know the scope of it unless you track my site hits as much as I do, which hopefully you don't because it's sad enough for me but what does that say about you. Anyway, if you don't know that "butt" and "ass" refer to the same thing, then you are right up there in terms of need for committing suicide.
how to fuck girl butt and ass same time
I have gotten some really stupid fuckheads coming here via search engines. You don't even know the scope of it unless you track my site hits as much as I do, which hopefully you don't because it's sad enough for me but what does that say about you. Anyway, if you don't know that "butt" and "ass" refer to the same thing, then you are right up there in terms of need for committing suicide.
Friday, December 16, 2005
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Naomi Watts is pretty
I fucking hate Peter Jackson, that fat sweaty mongoloid. As per usual, we've been over this before, but shit like this bears repeating. You know exactly what Jackson thinks of himself and his moviemaking ability just based on how fucking long his films are. He also thinks that if a film is three hours long, it's automatically epic and important.
So I obviously saw King Kong just recently. As per usual, this is more a bunch of general musings and a loose synopsis. I don't really give away any major plot points, unless if you count giving away the end. But if you don't know how this movie ends already, you don't know anything. Anyway, you've been warned. If you're a weenie (like me) who doesn't like anything being given away in advance lest it be totally ruined, just revisit this after you've seen the movie if you were really planning to.
As a prelude to this, I have not seen the original film (although I know some of the very basic elements of it), so as I was watching the movie I didn't know how well Jackson's version followed the original. Just so you don't think you're clever, I learned after watching the movie what the original was like and hence that a lot of these comments aren't quite valid; most of what follows are the thoughts I had as I was watching the film. You can't get it any more raw than this unless if you were there with me, and you weren't.
One thing I kept thinking was that Jackson couldn't make up his mind as to what film he wanted to do. Not that this is an excuse for it's length; he would have made it long no matter what. But you know how Hot Shots billed itself as "the mother of all movies" because it ripped on so many things? Well, I think Hot Shots has lost that title because Kong has surely taken it. Of course, whereas Hot Shots was ripping on other films, Kong is ripping from other films.
The movie starts out as a depression-era period piece on struggling Vaudeville and Broadway actors. Then it turns into a National Geographic special on freaky-ass African tribes (way beyond plates in their lips and FUCKED UP afros). Then it's Jurassic Park. Then it's a movie about Jane Goodall. Finally, after about four days of film (does this guy even do any editing?), Jackson decides what kind of film he wants to make: one about hot, hot woman-on-gigantic-ape action.
Ape, gorilla, whatever.
Before I continue, I was not aware of the nine-minute anal rape scene before watching this movie. And don't give me any shit; Naomi Watts may have said "yes," but once a 50-foot gorilla starts putting it in, it's fucking rape.
Rape aside though, Jackson does do one thing right, and that's make a powerful commentary on human-gorilla romantic and sexual relations. Just when you're getting to the good stuff (at least for one party), the fucking government steps in and starts shooting at you and blowing shit up. Bastards.
Again, as I said, I know now that the phases that the film went through were in parallel with the original King Kong. So you could say instead that the creators of the original were the ones who pre-emptively ripped off everything that I mentioned. But with how excessive Jackson is with everything, and how horribly he draws everything out, a lot of the thoughts are still applicable even if it's holding true to the original. Take for instance all of the dinosaur shit. Look, Peter, we've been there, we've done that. If you're gonna keep that in there, fine -- but we don't need that fucking much of it. I know this bit of advice, which is applicable to EVERYTHING YOU DO, is falling on deaf ears. Ears, of course, that went deaf from all that "cha-ching!" he's been hearing these past few years.
Yeah, excessive. There were so many times where I was thinking to myself "Okay, that's enough. I'm sick of this." We don't need another dinosaur fight. We don't need this one to start at the top of the cliff, then move down to the vines between the cliffs for another hour, then complete about a day later down at the bottom. Stop that!
Oh, and we get it -- scary creatures! Once they're exploring the island every fucking moment of this movie is dedicated to what creepy creature they're going to run into next that will give them problems. I know that this is a remote island filled with strange things, but I've gotta think that even the most infested places have a couple of spots that are unpopulated by something that wants to kill you. But no, not on Jackson's vision of Skull Island. We've got an effects budget, and fuck if we're not going to blow through all of it. Nevermind developing characters or story or anything, if there's always some kind of chaos, that makes a movie good.
Speaking of chaos, there are a lot of stylistic things that Jackson does that piss me off. Well, at least this is what Jackson is passing off as "style." One of the things I hated the most about the Lord of the Rings movies were the battle scenes. They were so hectic with so much shit going on that you couldn't follow what the hell was going on. Yes, I know, real battles can be like that, but it doesn't make for a good scene. But anyway, he follows this same bad pattern in Kong with some of the action sequences, so I continue to hate him for it. I paid to see this shit (well, today I didn't, but still), so I'd like to follow what's happening. Really, though, they could have just replaced some scenes in LOTR and Kong with some totally random shit being strewn about, and it would have been all the same.
Another thing, Peter: slow-motion does not automatically make something really dramatic or poignant. Don't do it if you don't need to, and rarely if ever did you need to in Kong. Oh, and don't have characters whispering stuff to each other that the audience can't hear if you're going to reveal what they're talking about six seconds later (the revelation coming in slow-mo, of course). That could be a good device to set up some suspense, but this wasn't something that was really suspenseful to begin with, and you fucked it up anyway by telling us the secret immediately.
The biggest element of Jackson's "style" that I hate, of course, is "long and drawn out." But of course, when I actually want him to explain something, when I really want him to go deeper, he doesn't. Riddle me this, fat man: once Kong is sedated, how the fuck did they get him back to New York? That wasn't exactly a big boat that they had. And I'm only guessing that they were able to keep him sedated on the way back, as well as once he was in New York, but we'll never know. I really shouldn't complain about this, though; had he covered these things I wouldn't be here right now to type this because I'd either still be in the theater or I would have slit my wrists already.
A comment on the special effects needs to be made. Some of them? Weren't that special. There were a lot that I was looking at, and I'm like, that's fake. I mean, I know it's fake, but when you're spending that kind of jack for FX, it's usually a bit more convincing. A lot of the FX were good, but at those prices (I don't know the exact figure, but it doesn't take a genius to know that they were high), they should all be good. There were a few other things that I can think of off the top of my head that were bullshit. After Kong falls to his death, from the top of the Empire State building, his lifeless body is surprisingly well intact on the street below. And then there's one point where Adrien Brody is flying around Manhattan in what I'm guessing is a Ford Model A, but he's outrunning Kong and maneuvering it like it's my car. No. Oh, and I'm no behavioral expert when it comes to dinosaurs, but I'm guessing that their reactions and motions during fighting aren't going to be just like humans. Or at least, that's how it came across to me. But at least one T-Rex no longer needs his Reach toothbrush now that he has a flip-top head.
Throughout the movie, there were three trains of thought that I was constantly on:
One more thing I liked about seeing Kong was something that the makers of Kong had nothing to do with. I saw a preview for a movie coming out next year with Denzel Washington and total bad-ass Clive Owen called Inside Man (I believe). Movie previews and commercials are the most god-awful fucking things, but at least for once I got something useful out of all that nonsense.
The thing is, Jackson's King Kong wasn't a horrid movie. It would have been decently good if it wasn't so goddamn long and another crucial part of Jackson's Master Self Aggrandizement Plan. Dude, hit the cutting room from time to time, and I hopefully won't be complaining as much. Or at least, I can get out of the theater before cockroaches are extinct. An hour-and-a-half, and this movie would have been pretty solid. Over three hours, it's Peter Jackson, and we know what that means to me.
Okay, so let's do the list:
Style points, drawing things out: -100
Style points, exaggerating everything: -50 (I'm feeling generous)
Other excesses: -10
Peter Jackson: -1000
Jack Black, who I've never particularly liked: -5
Jack Black, being somewhat tolerable despite above: +1
Naomi Watts: +100 (god, she's hot)
German guns: +1
Slow-mo: -1
All that money on effects, and you give me this weak-ass shit?: -5
Misc. Bullshit: -10
Inside Man preview: +1
One point detracted for every minute of the film: -187
So we have a total of... -1265. That's the worst I've ever rated anything, and it was pretty much all on the weakness of Peter Jackson. Take him out of the equation (making sure to do it Speed style by fucking killing him), and this movie fares much, much better.
So I obviously saw King Kong just recently. As per usual, this is more a bunch of general musings and a loose synopsis. I don't really give away any major plot points, unless if you count giving away the end. But if you don't know how this movie ends already, you don't know anything. Anyway, you've been warned. If you're a weenie (like me) who doesn't like anything being given away in advance lest it be totally ruined, just revisit this after you've seen the movie if you were really planning to.
As a prelude to this, I have not seen the original film (although I know some of the very basic elements of it), so as I was watching the movie I didn't know how well Jackson's version followed the original. Just so you don't think you're clever, I learned after watching the movie what the original was like and hence that a lot of these comments aren't quite valid; most of what follows are the thoughts I had as I was watching the film. You can't get it any more raw than this unless if you were there with me, and you weren't.
One thing I kept thinking was that Jackson couldn't make up his mind as to what film he wanted to do. Not that this is an excuse for it's length; he would have made it long no matter what. But you know how Hot Shots billed itself as "the mother of all movies" because it ripped on so many things? Well, I think Hot Shots has lost that title because Kong has surely taken it. Of course, whereas Hot Shots was ripping on other films, Kong is ripping from other films.
The movie starts out as a depression-era period piece on struggling Vaudeville and Broadway actors. Then it turns into a National Geographic special on freaky-ass African tribes (way beyond plates in their lips and FUCKED UP afros). Then it's Jurassic Park. Then it's a movie about Jane Goodall. Finally, after about four days of film (does this guy even do any editing?), Jackson decides what kind of film he wants to make: one about hot, hot woman-on-gigantic-ape action.
Ape, gorilla, whatever.
Before I continue, I was not aware of the nine-minute anal rape scene before watching this movie. And don't give me any shit; Naomi Watts may have said "yes," but once a 50-foot gorilla starts putting it in, it's fucking rape.
Rape aside though, Jackson does do one thing right, and that's make a powerful commentary on human-gorilla romantic and sexual relations. Just when you're getting to the good stuff (at least for one party), the fucking government steps in and starts shooting at you and blowing shit up. Bastards.
Again, as I said, I know now that the phases that the film went through were in parallel with the original King Kong. So you could say instead that the creators of the original were the ones who pre-emptively ripped off everything that I mentioned. But with how excessive Jackson is with everything, and how horribly he draws everything out, a lot of the thoughts are still applicable even if it's holding true to the original. Take for instance all of the dinosaur shit. Look, Peter, we've been there, we've done that. If you're gonna keep that in there, fine -- but we don't need that fucking much of it. I know this bit of advice, which is applicable to EVERYTHING YOU DO, is falling on deaf ears. Ears, of course, that went deaf from all that "cha-ching!" he's been hearing these past few years.
Yeah, excessive. There were so many times where I was thinking to myself "Okay, that's enough. I'm sick of this." We don't need another dinosaur fight. We don't need this one to start at the top of the cliff, then move down to the vines between the cliffs for another hour, then complete about a day later down at the bottom. Stop that!
Oh, and we get it -- scary creatures! Once they're exploring the island every fucking moment of this movie is dedicated to what creepy creature they're going to run into next that will give them problems. I know that this is a remote island filled with strange things, but I've gotta think that even the most infested places have a couple of spots that are unpopulated by something that wants to kill you. But no, not on Jackson's vision of Skull Island. We've got an effects budget, and fuck if we're not going to blow through all of it. Nevermind developing characters or story or anything, if there's always some kind of chaos, that makes a movie good.
Speaking of chaos, there are a lot of stylistic things that Jackson does that piss me off. Well, at least this is what Jackson is passing off as "style." One of the things I hated the most about the Lord of the Rings movies were the battle scenes. They were so hectic with so much shit going on that you couldn't follow what the hell was going on. Yes, I know, real battles can be like that, but it doesn't make for a good scene. But anyway, he follows this same bad pattern in Kong with some of the action sequences, so I continue to hate him for it. I paid to see this shit (well, today I didn't, but still), so I'd like to follow what's happening. Really, though, they could have just replaced some scenes in LOTR and Kong with some totally random shit being strewn about, and it would have been all the same.
Another thing, Peter: slow-motion does not automatically make something really dramatic or poignant. Don't do it if you don't need to, and rarely if ever did you need to in Kong. Oh, and don't have characters whispering stuff to each other that the audience can't hear if you're going to reveal what they're talking about six seconds later (the revelation coming in slow-mo, of course). That could be a good device to set up some suspense, but this wasn't something that was really suspenseful to begin with, and you fucked it up anyway by telling us the secret immediately.
The biggest element of Jackson's "style" that I hate, of course, is "long and drawn out." But of course, when I actually want him to explain something, when I really want him to go deeper, he doesn't. Riddle me this, fat man: once Kong is sedated, how the fuck did they get him back to New York? That wasn't exactly a big boat that they had. And I'm only guessing that they were able to keep him sedated on the way back, as well as once he was in New York, but we'll never know. I really shouldn't complain about this, though; had he covered these things I wouldn't be here right now to type this because I'd either still be in the theater or I would have slit my wrists already.
A comment on the special effects needs to be made. Some of them? Weren't that special. There were a lot that I was looking at, and I'm like, that's fake. I mean, I know it's fake, but when you're spending that kind of jack for FX, it's usually a bit more convincing. A lot of the FX were good, but at those prices (I don't know the exact figure, but it doesn't take a genius to know that they were high), they should all be good. There were a few other things that I can think of off the top of my head that were bullshit. After Kong falls to his death, from the top of the Empire State building, his lifeless body is surprisingly well intact on the street below. And then there's one point where Adrien Brody is flying around Manhattan in what I'm guessing is a Ford Model A, but he's outrunning Kong and maneuvering it like it's my car. No. Oh, and I'm no behavioral expert when it comes to dinosaurs, but I'm guessing that their reactions and motions during fighting aren't going to be just like humans. Or at least, that's how it came across to me. But at least one T-Rex no longer needs his Reach toothbrush now that he has a flip-top head.
Throughout the movie, there were three trains of thought that I was constantly on:
- Where's my jacket I wanna leave. I've been at this movie six years; I want to see other movies.
- When are they gonna get to the part where he climbs the Empire State building?
- Holy Christ Naomi Watts is hot.
One more thing I liked about seeing Kong was something that the makers of Kong had nothing to do with. I saw a preview for a movie coming out next year with Denzel Washington and total bad-ass Clive Owen called Inside Man (I believe). Movie previews and commercials are the most god-awful fucking things, but at least for once I got something useful out of all that nonsense.
The thing is, Jackson's King Kong wasn't a horrid movie. It would have been decently good if it wasn't so goddamn long and another crucial part of Jackson's Master Self Aggrandizement Plan. Dude, hit the cutting room from time to time, and I hopefully won't be complaining as much. Or at least, I can get out of the theater before cockroaches are extinct. An hour-and-a-half, and this movie would have been pretty solid. Over three hours, it's Peter Jackson, and we know what that means to me.
Okay, so let's do the list:
Style points, drawing things out: -100
Style points, exaggerating everything: -50 (I'm feeling generous)
Other excesses: -10
Peter Jackson: -1000
Jack Black, who I've never particularly liked: -5
Jack Black, being somewhat tolerable despite above: +1
Naomi Watts: +100 (god, she's hot)
German guns: +1
Slow-mo: -1
All that money on effects, and you give me this weak-ass shit?: -5
Misc. Bullshit: -10
Inside Man preview: +1
One point detracted for every minute of the film: -187
So we have a total of... -1265. That's the worst I've ever rated anything, and it was pretty much all on the weakness of Peter Jackson. Take him out of the equation (making sure to do it Speed style by fucking killing him), and this movie fares much, much better.
Sunday, December 11, 2005
Earlier tonight I saw a rugby game for XBox. And I was like, that's kinda cool. But is there anything out for Aussie Rules Football? I'm not sure if there's anything for modern consoles, but they at least had a game for the oridinal NES.
The coolest AFL team has gotta be the Melbourne Demons (although the Essendon Bombers have a cool name and logo, too). When ETP and I made a failed attempt to follow Aussie rulesfootball footy back in our freshman year, I had initially picked another club as my team, but eventually had to go with the Demons since that mascot is BA (I shortened it). Of course, it's hard to "follow" a sport that is rarely if ever broadcast over here, but that's because everything sucks in America.
The coolest AFL team has gotta be the Melbourne Demons (although the Essendon Bombers have a cool name and logo, too). When ETP and I made a failed attempt to follow Aussie rules
Hey, Paizanos!
One of the great things about growing up is revisiting things you enjoyed as a kid and realizing how bad they sucked. ETP and BOETP got me the DVD set of The Legend of Zelda cartoons that ran on Fridays as part of The Super Mario Brothers Super Show circa 1989. Now, Zelda has held up pretty well. Yeah, Link is a choad. Yeah, Zelda is a cunt. Yeah, a lot of the jokes are really fucking stupid. But it's still pretty watchable and entertaining.
Included in the Zelda set is a handful of TSMBSS live action clips. For anyone who watched this, you know what the show was about -- there were the cartoons (both Super Mario Brothers and Zelda) as well as short live-action skits intermixed in each episode. The live-action portions starred the late Captain Lou Albano as Mario and some other guy as Luigi. And holy fucking Christ were those live-action portions horrible. I mean, you spend a day having the shits, and it's not so bad when compared to this. As if that wasn't bad enough, the closing credits for the show have Captain Lou encouraging you to "do the Mario!" as he does what I will loosely call "a dance." Upon seeing this for the first time in sixteen years, I was like, wow, I think Captain Lou Albano died of embarrassment.
Looking at his IMDB profile and searching around on the web, Captain Lou isn't dead after all. But seriously, the live-action stuff from TSMBSS is just awful. It's so bad that I feel embarrassed and uncomfortable just from watching it.
One problem I think I have in writing this blog nowadays is that I feel like I have to have desensitized people to talking about a lot of fucked up shit. Or if nothing else, many things just have a "been there, done that" feel to them. For long-timers, of course -- newbies are always at risk to be totally turned off by this shit. I bring up things from the Holy Trinity of Things that Make People Sick -- bestiality, incest, and pedophilia -- seemingly as much as I can because it's amusing to a sick fuck like me to bring up things that bother other people. I could just be projecting since, at least conceptually (although not necessarily in real-life practice) I'm desensitized to these things. I mean, it's gotta bother a lot of people no matter what when I bring up being attracted to an 11-year-old girl because she has good stuff. Now, if you know baseball you understand the double entendre, but it is a double entendre since we've been down both routes. And you're still not too comfortable with people fucking horses, right? I hope not, because that's what the rest of this post is about.
Anyway, as we were watching Zelda, horsefucking came up. In case you're wondering how this came up (because you wouldn't expect it with me), there was a point where we find out that Link's horse is named Catherine. And I had to ask, "Did he name the horse after Catherine the Great because she died fucking a horse?" Even though the horse legend might be total bullshit, it's still funny to bring up. That led to ETP mentioning this story from a couple of months back. As it turned out, he didn't die from the horse falling on top of him.
Several months back, I suddenly started getting a bunch of Google hits for things like "man dies fucking horse video." And despite the fucked up search hits that I get ("donkey dongs" is a popular one... just thought I'd share), I still had to ask what the fuck brought it on. Then I saw one search hit that included mention of Dan Savage, the Savage Love sex columnist, and I thought the issue was settled -- it was something that had come up in one of his columns.
Nope, as it turns out, some dumbass died of a "perforated colon" from taking it up the ass from a horse. Christ, the balls (balls, of course, almost always equating to a lack of brains) to let a horse fuck you in the ass. But really, the thing that I get thinking about is this guy's family. You thought Captain Lou was embarrassed? Shit, imagine having to explain that to other people. "How's Tommy doing?" "He's dead." "Oh, I'm so sorry... What happened?" [Insert lie].
Do you think they had a funeral for him? I'd be willing to bet that his next of kin just said "Fuck it... Just burn his body or throw it out. We never speak of this again."
"The information that we have is that people would find this place via chat rooms on the Web"
Bullshit -- and I'm not totally kidding. Chatrooms are filled with some pretty vile shit, but it's mostly just talk. Although I'd imagine that with the cesspool that the internet and chatrooms are, there are places where getting punctured internally by a horse can be arranged.
"If you're talking about sheep or goats, there could be some issues."
This statement amuses me. Now, I get it that sex with animals isn't illegal in Washington state, as it isn't in many others for some odd reason in this day and age, but I still found this to be a funny thing for someone to say. You're cool with horses but sheep and goats are right out? Okay, just so long as we're clear.
Included in the Zelda set is a handful of TSMBSS live action clips. For anyone who watched this, you know what the show was about -- there were the cartoons (both Super Mario Brothers and Zelda) as well as short live-action skits intermixed in each episode. The live-action portions starred the late Captain Lou Albano as Mario and some other guy as Luigi. And holy fucking Christ were those live-action portions horrible. I mean, you spend a day having the shits, and it's not so bad when compared to this. As if that wasn't bad enough, the closing credits for the show have Captain Lou encouraging you to "do the Mario!" as he does what I will loosely call "a dance." Upon seeing this for the first time in sixteen years, I was like, wow, I think Captain Lou Albano died of embarrassment.
Looking at his IMDB profile and searching around on the web, Captain Lou isn't dead after all. But seriously, the live-action stuff from TSMBSS is just awful. It's so bad that I feel embarrassed and uncomfortable just from watching it.
One problem I think I have in writing this blog nowadays is that I feel like I have to have desensitized people to talking about a lot of fucked up shit. Or if nothing else, many things just have a "been there, done that" feel to them. For long-timers, of course -- newbies are always at risk to be totally turned off by this shit. I bring up things from the Holy Trinity of Things that Make People Sick -- bestiality, incest, and pedophilia -- seemingly as much as I can because it's amusing to a sick fuck like me to bring up things that bother other people. I could just be projecting since, at least conceptually (although not necessarily in real-life practice) I'm desensitized to these things. I mean, it's gotta bother a lot of people no matter what when I bring up being attracted to an 11-year-old girl because she has good stuff. Now, if you know baseball you understand the double entendre, but it is a double entendre since we've been down both routes. And you're still not too comfortable with people fucking horses, right? I hope not, because that's what the rest of this post is about.
Anyway, as we were watching Zelda, horsefucking came up. In case you're wondering how this came up (because you wouldn't expect it with me), there was a point where we find out that Link's horse is named Catherine. And I had to ask, "Did he name the horse after Catherine the Great because she died fucking a horse?" Even though the horse legend might be total bullshit, it's still funny to bring up. That led to ETP mentioning this story from a couple of months back. As it turned out, he didn't die from the horse falling on top of him.
Several months back, I suddenly started getting a bunch of Google hits for things like "man dies fucking horse video." And despite the fucked up search hits that I get ("donkey dongs" is a popular one... just thought I'd share), I still had to ask what the fuck brought it on. Then I saw one search hit that included mention of Dan Savage, the Savage Love sex columnist, and I thought the issue was settled -- it was something that had come up in one of his columns.
Nope, as it turns out, some dumbass died of a "perforated colon" from taking it up the ass from a horse. Christ, the balls (balls, of course, almost always equating to a lack of brains) to let a horse fuck you in the ass. But really, the thing that I get thinking about is this guy's family. You thought Captain Lou was embarrassed? Shit, imagine having to explain that to other people. "How's Tommy doing?" "He's dead." "Oh, I'm so sorry... What happened?" [Insert lie].
Do you think they had a funeral for him? I'd be willing to bet that his next of kin just said "Fuck it... Just burn his body or throw it out. We never speak of this again."
"The information that we have is that people would find this place via chat rooms on the Web"
Bullshit -- and I'm not totally kidding. Chatrooms are filled with some pretty vile shit, but it's mostly just talk. Although I'd imagine that with the cesspool that the internet and chatrooms are, there are places where getting punctured internally by a horse can be arranged.
"If you're talking about sheep or goats, there could be some issues."
This statement amuses me. Now, I get it that sex with animals isn't illegal in Washington state, as it isn't in many others for some odd reason in this day and age, but I still found this to be a funny thing for someone to say. You're cool with horses but sheep and goats are right out? Okay, just so long as we're clear.
Why is it that everything I get interested in either turns to shit or goes away? Like for instance, I got into Star Trek in Next Gen's sixth season. The show didn't go bad on me, but it did go away a season and a half later.
Quite possibly the biggest disappointment of all time is Ghastly's Ghastly Comic. I discovered this around Xmas of last year, and immediately hailed it as the reason we invented the webcomic. Well, I didn't go that far, but I was thoroughly pleased with what Ghastly had put forth. And how was I rewarded for this praise? With the comic turning to utter schlock, of course. I check it every week, but it's with a sense of begrudging dread that I do so. It's more out of idiotic obligation that I do this, kinda like when I bought The Fragile many years back.
I know why Ghastly became ghastly unfunny. Two reasons. For one, Ghastly set out on a quest to become a better artist in terms of his drawing. This is a laudable goal, but it should not come at the expense of your biggest talent -- writing. Also, he apparently started doing a second comic, which I haven't looked at and don't care to at this point. That sapped time and energy from the main comic, and combined with his bullshit improvement goal, made for a lousy comic.
You know who else isn't funny anymore? Me. I look back at some of my older posts, and I'm like, damn, this kid is funny. I know it's rather uncouth to laugh at one's own jokes, but fuck that -- I am a comic genius. Or at least I was, because now I fuck ass. And not in a good way, either.
So we know why Ghastly sucks now, but what the hell happened to me? Well, answering that question in full scale could be a blog of it's own, but in terms of why my 'blog isn't funny anymore, we can look to a lot of things. For one, just about everything I posted on died with the election last year. In the run-up, it was like, yeah, this is fun to talk about. Then it was like, man, this is a fucking waste of time. It also never helps when you're a sore loser. Then there was/is my job, which actually keeps me pretty busy, and so it was like, fuck this -- I don't have time to post. Then, of course, there was all the nonsense about the car. Not that posting on it was bad per se (especially not for me, of course, but as always everyone else is on their own), but that was really all I cared to post about. As I've said before, I've really got nothing more going on besides A) the car B) work and C) masturbating. Work I just don't really bring up because even though I enjoy my job, it's not one that's really bloggable. The car I obviously bring up from time to time. And masturbating? Shit, trust me -- you do not want to hear about that. It is even less hot than it sounds, and I know that doesn't seem possible, but it is.
Okay, that's enough bullshit introspection. At this point I'm not doing this blog bullshit out of obligation or anything, and from time to time I get a bug up my ass to do it, so it's still amusing to me. Anyway, speaking of Ghastly and the good ol' days, I was searching through old posts on Blogger, and came across an unposted "Year in Review" from last year. It really wasn't very good (which is saying quite a bit considering the quality to be found here), so I never got motivated to finish it. I left it pretty raw -- there were gaps, errors (I somehow fucked up the year, which was pretty brilliant) and even a section just called "UNFINISHED," so it has even less polish than the other drivel I put out there. But it kinda irritates me to have shit unposted, and there were at least a couple of things that made me laugh. So do 'ya remember 2004 and are you ready to relive it? Me neither. But I did it, so now you have to, too. Maybe I'll do a timely 2005 year in review later this month or in early '06, or maybe I'll post it when it's even less relevant. Without further ado, I present to you a post that never was... But now is.
It has been my annual tradition to list a bunch of random shit here at Fuck everything, and though the odds of me telling you my thoughts on 2003 are actually quite high doing it the way I've done it for the last few years really sounds awful to me. To both of us, even. So we're not going to do that.
Oh wait, yes we are. Why? Because I've got no place else to go. I'm starting this list New Year's Eve, and within a couple of days it should be sufficiently unfunny for me to release it into the wild. Like last year's list, this is pretty much just a stream of consciousness effort much like everything else I'm responsible for. Some categories will be returning, others added, with yet others shamefully dismissed. Let's get it on.
Story of the year
U.S. presidential "election"
Unlike last year, this was sort of a tough call. Mainly due to the big awful story of the past week with the earthquake and tsunamis in Asia and Africa. The thing is, when it comes to the tsunami story, there's really not much that I can do a lot of complaining about. More importantly, I really haven't found anything there to make jokes about -- we may have to wait the requisite 22.3 years for that.
The election, on the other hand, gave me plenty to bitch and complain about. The pitting of SuperDumbfuck George W. Bush against SuperNothing John F. Kerry (John who?) fueled quite a few posts around here. Of course, it was also the run-up to the election -- the RNC, the DNC, Republican bullshit, John Kerry's (John who's?) neverending pussitude, the Swiftboat bitter assholes, to name a few things -- that all but killed my desire to 'blog, especially on politics. If that doesn't make you pro-election, I don't know what will.
Album of the year
Fluke's Six Wheels on My Wagon
This was actually one of Fluke's earlier releases, having come out in 1993. Once again, though, since I am the center of everything, nothing really happens until I'm exposed to it. And since I didn't get my shit together and buy it until this year (and actually, it was ETP who put in the order to get both of us our copies), that makes it eligible for this year's award.
Album of the year, if I'm forced to pick something besides a Fluke release
???
I don't listen to music. Go ask someone who knows shit about shit, like ETP.
Greatest Grill of All Time
Muhammad Ali's "The Greatest Grill of All Time"
The rivalry is heating back up.
Webcomic of the Year
Ghastly's Ghastly Comic
A late entry, this one is pretty much beyond everything.
Stand-up Performance of the Year
George Carlin
I can't even remember half of what went down this year, but I'm pretty sure that we at least saw Carlin, Robert Schimmel, Chris Rock, and Bill Maher at some point during the year. Maher was good as always. Chris Rock, despite the long hiatus from touring, is still good. Schimmel, last year's winner, was also good, but that man hasn't written a new joke in like five years. Carlin, on the other hand is, well, Carlin.
Laura Bush "Cunt of the Year" Annual Award
Laura Bush
I still hate this woman.
Movie of the Year
Uhhh...
I never go to movies, for two reasons. For one, there's hardly ever anything out that interests me. For two, I for some reason have a really difficult time allocating, in advance, a two-hour block of time to just sitting around doing essentially nothing. Granted, I never do anything but sit around doing nothing for hours at a time, but when it's not planned in ahead of time (and bought for $8), doing nothing still seems fresh and exciting.
I was really looking forward to Kill Bill Vol. 2, and that turned out to be a pretty big disappointment. Yeah, it was still pretty good, but it just didn't have the intangible "it" of the first installment. I remember seeing Hellboy back in April or whatever, and while entertaining, this movie does not belong on any self-respecting or even self-effacing "best of" list. Oh, and didn't Michael Moore's latest piece of propaganda come out this year? That, too, was entertaining, but seeing as how it reall didn't help and may have actually hurt chances if us ousting Bush, it certainly doesn't win shit.
Before Kill Bill Vol. 1, I'm pretty sure the most recent movie I saw was Star Trek: Nemesis (probably not true), so I'm just going to punt on this category. One finger for all of Hollywood in recognition of the fact that they're not putting out anything that interests me.
Video Game of the Year
Dead or Alive Ultimate
I'm obligated to go with any game that's A) pretty and B) brings me things like Kasumi in bloomers, an XBox girl outfit, and a naughty Santa outfit along with Hitomi in bloomers, a sailor uniform, and her own XBox girl outfit. Ignoring the fact that I hate this fucking game and get utterly sick of it anytime I start playing because I'm no good at it, it wins the crown for this year.
Another game which I get beyond frustrated with but comes in second place is Ninja Gaiden. Not that I want to sound too much like ETP's list, but whatever. At least I really didn't care for Kart (where the fuck are my jump turns?), I have no particular affinity for Megaman even if it's decently fun (but then again, I never worked with a friend to beat Megaman 2 without getting hit once), and Crystal Chronicles had zero appeal to me. But yeah, Ninja Gaiden was good stuff, even if I got completely pissed towards the end of Chapter 5 and not picking the game up again until just a couple of days ago (I made progress, too! And now... Now I'm stuck again and will probably resume playing in May). Some other games that were probably cool but also fell victim to my Videogame ADHD:
Prince of Persia: Sands of Time: I really just did not give this game much of a chance, but it just didn't suck me in like I'd hoped it would. I need to give it another shot.
La Pucelle: Tactics: This one I did enjoy playing, even if it didn't really suck me in like, say, Ocarina of Time, and for months I've been saying that I really want to start playing it again.
Grand Theft Auto: Vice City: I'm pretty sure I got this game this past year. It, too, was a lot of fucking fun, but my attention span blows. How cool of an idea was it to get Ray Liotta to voice the main character? And shit, that's merely the beginning.
Super Mario Sunshine: Yes, this one is also kinda old, but I got it early last year. I really don't have any desire to play it again, either. I'm sorry, but this game is just fucking gay, and not gay in a good way, either. Why can't they just make a regular fucking Mario game that doesn't do something like focus on that stupid water backpack thingy?
Game release I'm most looking forward to
Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas
Say what you want about what's on the racks at stores, this game doesn't come out until I can play it on XBox.
New game system that I have no desire to pick up
Nintendo DS
Alternately referred to as the Nintendo DipShit and the Nintendo DickSuck, I don't care how many people (ETP) say it's a decent system, I don't fucking want one. I just have moral opposition to there being two screens. So what if they can put the map or something useful down there? A second screen is nothing but a gimmick, and I'm sorry, but I'd much rather see the focus be placed on something other than a gimmick. Also, a second screen is just plain excessive, and if there's anything I'm against, it's excess.
Speaking of Excess
Project 3 Series
Project 3 Series morphed into Project 330 and is now Project ZHP. It is driving me absolutely nuts, and I don't want to talk about it until I either just get the stupid BMW or realize there's no way for it to happen. So you're all spared... For now.
Biggest Asshole
Sylvia Saint
Yeah, I blew it by using this joke prematurely several months back, but fuck it. This needs to be on every list until the end of time.
UNFINISHED
Nazi concept most applicable to my life
Lebensraum
As an article in The Onion once declared, "Lebensraum is totally where it's at!" I, of course, find amusement in stuff like this because I find myself getting a joke that I don't think the average American is going to get.
But yeah, that's pretty much what all of this year was for me -- living space. First, I needed a house with enough space for me and my girls. Then, I needed lebensraum in a more abstract manner when trying to find breathing room in my budget to get the BMW and still be able to save money while maintaining a decent standard of living. Further appropriate that I was lusting after a German car.
So I took a term that Hitler used to justify invading neighbors and thus setting the entire world on fire which led to the death of millions, and belittled it all as part of my quest for material goods and money. Basically what I'm trying to say is that I'm an asshole and a bad person.
Most awful human being
It took some thinking to come up with a winner, but it's pretty sad for the rest of humanity because I knew that I still cannot make the top of this list.
Anime of the Year
???
Who cares, watching anime is for fucking losers
But if I did watch anime...
I still really don't know
I've had to back way the hell off from this habit this past year.
Quite possibly the biggest disappointment of all time is Ghastly's Ghastly Comic. I discovered this around Xmas of last year, and immediately hailed it as the reason we invented the webcomic. Well, I didn't go that far, but I was thoroughly pleased with what Ghastly had put forth. And how was I rewarded for this praise? With the comic turning to utter schlock, of course. I check it every week, but it's with a sense of begrudging dread that I do so. It's more out of idiotic obligation that I do this, kinda like when I bought The Fragile many years back.
I know why Ghastly became ghastly unfunny. Two reasons. For one, Ghastly set out on a quest to become a better artist in terms of his drawing. This is a laudable goal, but it should not come at the expense of your biggest talent -- writing. Also, he apparently started doing a second comic, which I haven't looked at and don't care to at this point. That sapped time and energy from the main comic, and combined with his bullshit improvement goal, made for a lousy comic.
You know who else isn't funny anymore? Me. I look back at some of my older posts, and I'm like, damn, this kid is funny. I know it's rather uncouth to laugh at one's own jokes, but fuck that -- I am a comic genius. Or at least I was, because now I fuck ass. And not in a good way, either.
So we know why Ghastly sucks now, but what the hell happened to me? Well, answering that question in full scale could be a blog of it's own, but in terms of why my 'blog isn't funny anymore, we can look to a lot of things. For one, just about everything I posted on died with the election last year. In the run-up, it was like, yeah, this is fun to talk about. Then it was like, man, this is a fucking waste of time. It also never helps when you're a sore loser. Then there was/is my job, which actually keeps me pretty busy, and so it was like, fuck this -- I don't have time to post. Then, of course, there was all the nonsense about the car. Not that posting on it was bad per se (especially not for me, of course, but as always everyone else is on their own), but that was really all I cared to post about. As I've said before, I've really got nothing more going on besides A) the car B) work and C) masturbating. Work I just don't really bring up because even though I enjoy my job, it's not one that's really bloggable. The car I obviously bring up from time to time. And masturbating? Shit, trust me -- you do not want to hear about that. It is even less hot than it sounds, and I know that doesn't seem possible, but it is.
Okay, that's enough bullshit introspection. At this point I'm not doing this blog bullshit out of obligation or anything, and from time to time I get a bug up my ass to do it, so it's still amusing to me. Anyway, speaking of Ghastly and the good ol' days, I was searching through old posts on Blogger, and came across an unposted "Year in Review" from last year. It really wasn't very good (which is saying quite a bit considering the quality to be found here), so I never got motivated to finish it. I left it pretty raw -- there were gaps, errors (I somehow fucked up the year, which was pretty brilliant) and even a section just called "UNFINISHED," so it has even less polish than the other drivel I put out there. But it kinda irritates me to have shit unposted, and there were at least a couple of things that made me laugh. So do 'ya remember 2004 and are you ready to relive it? Me neither. But I did it, so now you have to, too. Maybe I'll do a timely 2005 year in review later this month or in early '06, or maybe I'll post it when it's even less relevant. Without further ado, I present to you a post that never was... But now is.
Yeah, fuck lists
It has been my annual tradition to list a bunch of random shit here at Fuck everything, and though the odds of me telling you my thoughts on 2003 are actually quite high doing it the way I've done it for the last few years really sounds awful to me. To both of us, even. So we're not going to do that.
Oh wait, yes we are. Why? Because I've got no place else to go. I'm starting this list New Year's Eve, and within a couple of days it should be sufficiently unfunny for me to release it into the wild. Like last year's list, this is pretty much just a stream of consciousness effort much like everything else I'm responsible for. Some categories will be returning, others added, with yet others shamefully dismissed. Let's get it on.
Story of the year
U.S. presidential "election"
Unlike last year, this was sort of a tough call. Mainly due to the big awful story of the past week with the earthquake and tsunamis in Asia and Africa. The thing is, when it comes to the tsunami story, there's really not much that I can do a lot of complaining about. More importantly, I really haven't found anything there to make jokes about -- we may have to wait the requisite 22.3 years for that.
The election, on the other hand, gave me plenty to bitch and complain about. The pitting of SuperDumbfuck George W. Bush against SuperNothing John F. Kerry (John who?) fueled quite a few posts around here. Of course, it was also the run-up to the election -- the RNC, the DNC, Republican bullshit, John Kerry's (John who's?) neverending pussitude, the Swiftboat bitter assholes, to name a few things -- that all but killed my desire to 'blog, especially on politics. If that doesn't make you pro-election, I don't know what will.
Album of the year
Fluke's Six Wheels on My Wagon
This was actually one of Fluke's earlier releases, having come out in 1993. Once again, though, since I am the center of everything, nothing really happens until I'm exposed to it. And since I didn't get my shit together and buy it until this year (and actually, it was ETP who put in the order to get both of us our copies), that makes it eligible for this year's award.
Album of the year, if I'm forced to pick something besides a Fluke release
???
I don't listen to music. Go ask someone who knows shit about shit, like ETP.
Greatest Grill of All Time
Muhammad Ali's "The Greatest Grill of All Time"
The rivalry is heating back up.
Webcomic of the Year
Ghastly's Ghastly Comic
A late entry, this one is pretty much beyond everything.
Stand-up Performance of the Year
George Carlin
I can't even remember half of what went down this year, but I'm pretty sure that we at least saw Carlin, Robert Schimmel, Chris Rock, and Bill Maher at some point during the year. Maher was good as always. Chris Rock, despite the long hiatus from touring, is still good. Schimmel, last year's winner, was also good, but that man hasn't written a new joke in like five years. Carlin, on the other hand is, well, Carlin.
Laura Bush "Cunt of the Year" Annual Award
Laura Bush
I still hate this woman.
Movie of the Year
Uhhh...
I never go to movies, for two reasons. For one, there's hardly ever anything out that interests me. For two, I for some reason have a really difficult time allocating, in advance, a two-hour block of time to just sitting around doing essentially nothing. Granted, I never do anything but sit around doing nothing for hours at a time, but when it's not planned in ahead of time (and bought for $8), doing nothing still seems fresh and exciting.
I was really looking forward to Kill Bill Vol. 2, and that turned out to be a pretty big disappointment. Yeah, it was still pretty good, but it just didn't have the intangible "it" of the first installment. I remember seeing Hellboy back in April or whatever, and while entertaining, this movie does not belong on any self-respecting or even self-effacing "best of" list. Oh, and didn't Michael Moore's latest piece of propaganda come out this year? That, too, was entertaining, but seeing as how it reall didn't help and may have actually hurt chances if us ousting Bush, it certainly doesn't win shit.
Before Kill Bill Vol. 1, I'm pretty sure the most recent movie I saw was Star Trek: Nemesis (probably not true), so I'm just going to punt on this category. One finger for all of Hollywood in recognition of the fact that they're not putting out anything that interests me.
Video Game of the Year
Dead or Alive Ultimate
I'm obligated to go with any game that's A) pretty and B) brings me things like Kasumi in bloomers, an XBox girl outfit, and a naughty Santa outfit along with Hitomi in bloomers, a sailor uniform, and her own XBox girl outfit. Ignoring the fact that I hate this fucking game and get utterly sick of it anytime I start playing because I'm no good at it, it wins the crown for this year.
Another game which I get beyond frustrated with but comes in second place is Ninja Gaiden. Not that I want to sound too much like ETP's list, but whatever. At least I really didn't care for Kart (where the fuck are my jump turns?), I have no particular affinity for Megaman even if it's decently fun (but then again, I never worked with a friend to beat Megaman 2 without getting hit once), and Crystal Chronicles had zero appeal to me. But yeah, Ninja Gaiden was good stuff, even if I got completely pissed towards the end of Chapter 5 and not picking the game up again until just a couple of days ago (I made progress, too! And now... Now I'm stuck again and will probably resume playing in May). Some other games that were probably cool but also fell victim to my Videogame ADHD:
Prince of Persia: Sands of Time: I really just did not give this game much of a chance, but it just didn't suck me in like I'd hoped it would. I need to give it another shot.
La Pucelle: Tactics: This one I did enjoy playing, even if it didn't really suck me in like, say, Ocarina of Time, and for months I've been saying that I really want to start playing it again.
Grand Theft Auto: Vice City: I'm pretty sure I got this game this past year. It, too, was a lot of fucking fun, but my attention span blows. How cool of an idea was it to get Ray Liotta to voice the main character? And shit, that's merely the beginning.
Super Mario Sunshine: Yes, this one is also kinda old, but I got it early last year. I really don't have any desire to play it again, either. I'm sorry, but this game is just fucking gay, and not gay in a good way, either. Why can't they just make a regular fucking Mario game that doesn't do something like focus on that stupid water backpack thingy?
Game release I'm most looking forward to
Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas
Say what you want about what's on the racks at stores, this game doesn't come out until I can play it on XBox.
New game system that I have no desire to pick up
Nintendo DS
Alternately referred to as the Nintendo DipShit and the Nintendo DickSuck, I don't care how many people (ETP) say it's a decent system, I don't fucking want one. I just have moral opposition to there being two screens. So what if they can put the map or something useful down there? A second screen is nothing but a gimmick, and I'm sorry, but I'd much rather see the focus be placed on something other than a gimmick. Also, a second screen is just plain excessive, and if there's anything I'm against, it's excess.
Speaking of Excess
Project 3 Series
Project 3 Series morphed into Project 330 and is now Project ZHP. It is driving me absolutely nuts, and I don't want to talk about it until I either just get the stupid BMW or realize there's no way for it to happen. So you're all spared... For now.
Biggest Asshole
Sylvia Saint
Yeah, I blew it by using this joke prematurely several months back, but fuck it. This needs to be on every list until the end of time.
UNFINISHED
Nazi concept most applicable to my life
Lebensraum
As an article in The Onion once declared, "Lebensraum is totally where it's at!" I, of course, find amusement in stuff like this because I find myself getting a joke that I don't think the average American is going to get.
But yeah, that's pretty much what all of this year was for me -- living space. First, I needed a house with enough space for me and my girls. Then, I needed lebensraum in a more abstract manner when trying to find breathing room in my budget to get the BMW and still be able to save money while maintaining a decent standard of living. Further appropriate that I was lusting after a German car.
So I took a term that Hitler used to justify invading neighbors and thus setting the entire world on fire which led to the death of millions, and belittled it all as part of my quest for material goods and money. Basically what I'm trying to say is that I'm an asshole and a bad person.
Most awful human being
It took some thinking to come up with a winner, but it's pretty sad for the rest of humanity because I knew that I still cannot make the top of this list.
Anime of the Year
???
Who cares, watching anime is for fucking losers
But if I did watch anime...
I still really don't know
I've had to back way the hell off from this habit this past year.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
I've already declared that, one of these fucking days, I'm going to get myself a Sunbeam Tiger. Of course, I wanna get a red Get Smart one, but I may have to re-think that after finding this, a 1965 Shelby Sunbeam Tiger. Yeah. I definitely need one of those. It needs some new wheels because I'm not big on heavy chrome wheels, and you know, gray and red don't go all that well together, so the whole thing might need a paint job. And then, fuck yeah.
Okay, so I just found out that I don't know shit about shit. Carroll Shelby fucking led the design of the Sunbeam Tiger, so really, they're all Shelbys. And maybe with the exception of the wheels, this one looks about right.
Speaking of Get Smart, I read this awhile back. I was hesitant to post on it out of fear of jinxing it, so they can delay production any time. At least HBO is in charge, so we know they'll put back in all the swearing and nudity.
Okay, so I just found out that I don't know shit about shit. Carroll Shelby fucking led the design of the Sunbeam Tiger, so really, they're all Shelbys. And maybe with the exception of the wheels, this one looks about right.
Speaking of Get Smart, I read this awhile back. I was hesitant to post on it out of fear of jinxing it, so they can delay production any time. At least HBO is in charge, so we know they'll put back in all the swearing and nudity.
Monday, December 05, 2005
Google search:
schoolgirl forced to eat out of bowl
Damn, now that is fucking kinky.
Then there are people who show up here so fucking clueless, that they really need to be euthanized (like a good deal of the rest of the population). Take these stems, for instance:
how does a guy fuck himself without a partner
when is the right time to fuck your boyfriend
Then there are the ones who are clued in... But probably still too big of a pussy to just drop the program:
international baccalaureate sucks shit
Site traffic took a nosedive today, and I think that's the direction I really need to be headed.
schoolgirl forced to eat out of bowl
Damn, now that is fucking kinky.
Then there are people who show up here so fucking clueless, that they really need to be euthanized (like a good deal of the rest of the population). Take these stems, for instance:
how does a guy fuck himself without a partner
when is the right time to fuck your boyfriend
Then there are the ones who are clued in... But probably still too big of a pussy to just drop the program:
international baccalaureate sucks shit
Site traffic took a nosedive today, and I think that's the direction I really need to be headed.
Saturday, December 03, 2005
Okay, so someone e-mailed me this a couple of days ago. Thank fucking Christ it wasn't some god damn Slipknot lyics. Quite the opposite, in fact. I had seen that poster for TWAT quite awhile back at or linked from the now defunct Marcellus Wallace's Bloody Gitch, and I had been wondering where the fuck it came from ever since. Now I know. And as GI Joe taught us, knowing is half the battle. I just wish they'd told me the other half so maybe I could finally get my shit together.
Taking a break from the normal shit they do or don't do that fucks up this country, some in congress are hitting the hard issues and tackling the BCS. The BCS is fucked up and all, but god fucking damn it.
Friday, December 02, 2005
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I can't stand Christianity and I can't stand a lot of what Christians stand for, but they make some neat fucking buildings. That pic is of the Catedral de Segovia is Segovia, Spain. As much as I hate religion in general and Christianity in specific, I have to give them mad points for so often going balls-out in the architecture regime. Worship is stupid, but at least when they set their minds to make a house of worship, they make a fucking house of worship. Many churches and cathedrals would be so worthy of God if He actually existed.
If anybody should be called in for jury duty, it's Bush. Busy running the country? Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, it's gotta be so tough having Karl Rove tell me what to do all the time. He's gotta be mentally drained from those really difficult speeches about the war in Iraq that were given to tough houses of military personnel. And frequent, extended vacations at the ranch? Dude.
And no, I did not just post a couple of BBC articles to try and regain some street cred. I know that is long since gone, and I was actually reading the Beeb earlier. So again, fuck off.
And no, I did not just post a couple of BBC articles to try and regain some street cred. I know that is long since gone, and I was actually reading the Beeb earlier. So again, fuck off.
Mountain Don't
This is pretty typical of this country. We have a bunch of fat-ass fucking kids in this country, so the big problem must be soda pop. It can't be the foods we eat or the over-indulgent lifestyles that we have. Or how about the fact that a lot of fat kids have something in common: fat parents. Nah, it's gotta be pop. Now, I'm not saying that maybe pop isn't part of the larger problem, but that's just it -- there's a larger problem. But to think that pop alone is a huge issue, I've gotta call bullshit.
I've been drinking that stuff since I was pretty young, and except for a few isolated times where I tried to cut back, I usually have at least a can a day. I won't drink diet, because that stuff is swill that belongs under the same column as Budweiser. And somehow, I'm not a huge tub of shit. You can make the argument that I'm a tub of shit, for sure, but not a huge one. Look, if I didn't put on weight in the past month or so from drinking pop, then it can't be that big of a deal. With as hard as I was hitting it at work for awhile, and with how little sleep I allow myself, I was chugging a lot of pop. I have this box in my office for empty cans that I emptied out today, and it was almost nothing but Mountain Dew and Mountain Dew Code Red. I remember that there was one point where I was even double-fisting it (sounds hot, I know) with a Dr. Pepper in one hand and a Mountain Dew in the other. I was just weighed this past week, and I'm at 120, which is just fine for my small stature.
As per usual, I'm generalizing for comedic effect (as if you hadn't been warned), and I know it's more complicated. But once I found a way to work "double fisting" into a post, I had to do it. Bring on those Google hits.
But anyway, back to the real issue. As always, we take a big problem, find one small part of it, and blame that for everything. Kids shooting up the schools? Must be video games. The economy is shit? Must be China's monetary policy. Of course, the reason these issues are focused on is because there is some group that has an agenda against item X, so they'll find an excuse to push that agenda. And, as such, we never get anything real accomplished in this country.
I've been drinking that stuff since I was pretty young, and except for a few isolated times where I tried to cut back, I usually have at least a can a day. I won't drink diet, because that stuff is swill that belongs under the same column as Budweiser. And somehow, I'm not a huge tub of shit. You can make the argument that I'm a tub of shit, for sure, but not a huge one. Look, if I didn't put on weight in the past month or so from drinking pop, then it can't be that big of a deal. With as hard as I was hitting it at work for awhile, and with how little sleep I allow myself, I was chugging a lot of pop. I have this box in my office for empty cans that I emptied out today, and it was almost nothing but Mountain Dew and Mountain Dew Code Red. I remember that there was one point where I was even double-fisting it (sounds hot, I know) with a Dr. Pepper in one hand and a Mountain Dew in the other. I was just weighed this past week, and I'm at 120, which is just fine for my small stature.
As per usual, I'm generalizing for comedic effect (as if you hadn't been warned), and I know it's more complicated. But once I found a way to work "double fisting" into a post, I had to do it. Bring on those Google hits.
But anyway, back to the real issue. As always, we take a big problem, find one small part of it, and blame that for everything. Kids shooting up the schools? Must be video games. The economy is shit? Must be China's monetary policy. Of course, the reason these issues are focused on is because there is some group that has an agenda against item X, so they'll find an excuse to push that agenda. And, as such, we never get anything real accomplished in this country.
When I hear about non-military people getting kidnapped, killed, what have you, in Iraq, I think part of me initially feels sympathy for them. Believe it or not (and I barely believe it myself), there is a bit of humanity left in me. That fades pretty quickly, though, once actual thought kicks in, and I think, hey, if you go over to Iraq, you should know damn well what you're getting yourself into. If you have a choice on going there, then, well, I can't have much sympathy for you when things go awry. Things are further compounded when I hear that people who get themselves into trouble are associated with some kind of Christian outfit. It's at this point that I'm pretty much rooting for bad stuff to happen to them.
All four men appeared frightened.
Gee, I wouldn't expect that. Thanks for the hard-hitting coverage. I know, I know, I'm the one continually reading and linking CNN in the first place. Fuck off.
The group has claimed that the kidnapped men, from the Chicago-based Christian Peacemaker Teams...
Now there's the potential for me to feel even less sympathy. If anyone from this organization is in Iraq who came from Chicago, I just have to ask: you left Chicago... For Iraq? I know it can get mighty cold and shit in the winter and all, but it's still fucking Chicago. Stick around and hit a mall or something.
The Christian activists... had been repeatedly warned by Iraqi and Western security officials that they were taking a grave risk by moving about Baghdad without bodyguards.
Wow. At this point, I'm not saying that you're asking for it, except that I am. Even though I was basically saying that just by you being there to begin with.
The Christian activists -- Tom Fox, 54, of Clear Brook, Virginia; Norman Kember, 74, of London; James Loney, 41, of Toronto; and Harmeet Singh Sooden, 32, of Canada...
I wonder if Harmeet lives in downtown Canada.
One thing that really pissed me off while reading this article was the name of the group responsible for this round of kidnappings. They call themselves the "Swords of Righteousness Brigade." It wasn't so much just that name in particular as that it was part of a general trend of lame-ass fucking names that these groups give themselves. You guys are running around with guns and bombs and killing people, and the best you can come up with is a name that sounds like something a bunch of eight-year-olds would come up with for their Pop Warner football team? All the transgressions were made up for by one group, however:
The men were kidnapped at the same place where Giuliana Sgrena, a reporter for the Italian newspaper Il Manifesto, was seized February 4 and held for a month by a group calling itself Mujahedeen Without Borders.
Mujahedeen Without Borders? Holy crap. That is fucking hilarious.
All four men appeared frightened.
Gee, I wouldn't expect that. Thanks for the hard-hitting coverage. I know, I know, I'm the one continually reading and linking CNN in the first place. Fuck off.
The group has claimed that the kidnapped men, from the Chicago-based Christian Peacemaker Teams...
Now there's the potential for me to feel even less sympathy. If anyone from this organization is in Iraq who came from Chicago, I just have to ask: you left Chicago... For Iraq? I know it can get mighty cold and shit in the winter and all, but it's still fucking Chicago. Stick around and hit a mall or something.
The Christian activists... had been repeatedly warned by Iraqi and Western security officials that they were taking a grave risk by moving about Baghdad without bodyguards.
Wow. At this point, I'm not saying that you're asking for it, except that I am. Even though I was basically saying that just by you being there to begin with.
The Christian activists -- Tom Fox, 54, of Clear Brook, Virginia; Norman Kember, 74, of London; James Loney, 41, of Toronto; and Harmeet Singh Sooden, 32, of Canada...
I wonder if Harmeet lives in downtown Canada.
One thing that really pissed me off while reading this article was the name of the group responsible for this round of kidnappings. They call themselves the "Swords of Righteousness Brigade." It wasn't so much just that name in particular as that it was part of a general trend of lame-ass fucking names that these groups give themselves. You guys are running around with guns and bombs and killing people, and the best you can come up with is a name that sounds like something a bunch of eight-year-olds would come up with for their Pop Warner football team? All the transgressions were made up for by one group, however:
The men were kidnapped at the same place where Giuliana Sgrena, a reporter for the Italian newspaper Il Manifesto, was seized February 4 and held for a month by a group calling itself Mujahedeen Without Borders.
Mujahedeen Without Borders? Holy crap. That is fucking hilarious.
Monday, November 28, 2005
This is pretty disgusting. First Amendment stuff, blah blah blah, that's all obvious. But here at Fe, we go deeper. Like, for instance, looking at how the school should be happy as it is that these kids can even fucking read to begin with considering that it's Tennessee. And since everyone down there is fucking their sister anyway, wouldn't it be a good idea for them to know about birth control?
I don't really comment much on Iraq or politics or any of that nonsense anymore since it was pointless back when I thought that maybe it wasn't, but I still found this to be kinda interesting. It's not some powerless Democrat talking, it's not some liberal mouthpiece saying it. No; it's the guy who was supposed to be our guy in Iraq. It reminds me of something that Jon Stewart said on The Daily Show when the Abu Ghraib thing was big, something to the effect of the torture chambers are "really not shut down so much as under new management."
Okay, now back to talking about cars, porn, and video games.
Okay, now back to talking about cars, porn, and video games.
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Well, fuck. It has not been a good couple of weeks in the romance department. First Aeris gets killed on me, and then this a couple of days ago. I guess I can live with Danica being taken, though, since all the indications I'm getting is that she's a bitch. Which makes her entertaining to watch and read about, but maybe not deal with on a day-to-day basis. I'm still bent about Aeris, though. Damn that game for playing out the exact same way as it has for millions of others.
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Since we sometimes work off of a theme, and since that theme tends to oftentimes be on a particular type of story despite half-assed attempts to steer it otherwise, I may as well give an update on Debra Lafave. I still get the occasional Google hit off this woman (including a ton today, and, in typical fashion, thanks to a misspelling) and she's in the news again after striking a plea bargain to stay out of jail.
Now, believe it or not, even I can see what she did isn't right. Sure, that kid is, like, the luckiest fucking kid in his class, but she's obviously an adult and should still know better. But how about that kid? How fucking stupid do you have to be to tattle on this woman? Even if someone figures it out, you bloody deny it. For most guys, poontang is never guaranteed, especially not with decently attractive older teachers. Even David Lee Roth will tell you that.
I know, I know; I'm wading in the shallow end of the pool as always. But in this case, it's guys we're talking about, and I have at least a little bit of experience in being a guy. Maybe if it had gone on it would have some deep emotional impact later on in life, blah blah. As opposed to the end of the affair and the media circus, which have probably done no damage at all. And besides, he's a guy. It's not like he was ever going to mature emotionally anyway, just like all the rest of us, so there wasn't much to damage in the first place. All horny teen boys give a shit about is getting laid, and he was getting it. But the dumb fuck went and helped shut off the tap. So really, upon reflection, I think everyone gets what they deserve in this case, unless if that kid has found other resources.
Now, believe it or not, even I can see what she did isn't right. Sure, that kid is, like, the luckiest fucking kid in his class, but she's obviously an adult and should still know better. But how about that kid? How fucking stupid do you have to be to tattle on this woman? Even if someone figures it out, you bloody deny it. For most guys, poontang is never guaranteed, especially not with decently attractive older teachers. Even David Lee Roth will tell you that.
I know, I know; I'm wading in the shallow end of the pool as always. But in this case, it's guys we're talking about, and I have at least a little bit of experience in being a guy. Maybe if it had gone on it would have some deep emotional impact later on in life, blah blah. As opposed to the end of the affair and the media circus, which have probably done no damage at all. And besides, he's a guy. It's not like he was ever going to mature emotionally anyway, just like all the rest of us, so there wasn't much to damage in the first place. All horny teen boys give a shit about is getting laid, and he was getting it. But the dumb fuck went and helped shut off the tap. So really, upon reflection, I think everyone gets what they deserve in this case, unless if that kid has found other resources.
Sunday, November 20, 2005
Google search:
BMW 325Ci how to get the fucking tires off
Sorry, dude. I only know the procedure to get tires off of a 330i; things are vastly different since you have the coupe or convertible with the smaller engine. Seriously, people this fucking retarded don't deserve to be driving, nonetheless driving a Bimmer. And regardless of entitlement, they definitly shouldn't be driving.
BMW 325Ci how to get the fucking tires off
Sorry, dude. I only know the procedure to get tires off of a 330i; things are vastly different since you have the coupe or convertible with the smaller engine. Seriously, people this fucking retarded don't deserve to be driving, nonetheless driving a Bimmer. And regardless of entitlement, they definitly shouldn't be driving.
Saturday, November 19, 2005
But I'm not bitter or anything
Maxim magazine apparently has an article on the “25 greatest short dudes of all time” in its December issue. I got sick of Maxim when I turned 13 and have mocked the publication ever since, but do I now have to give them some big ups for trying to help out my kind?
The magazine, in its December issue, claims to be helping women “begin a long overdue fight against their genetically determined shallowness when choosing a partner.”
Thanks, guys. That should be a real big help, because I know that women really read and pay attention to what Maxim tells them. Then again, I'm sure plenty of women pay attention to shit like the "101 Ways to Please Your Man" columns in Cosmo and similar drivel, so you never know. But really, if Samantha dating a short guy on an epsisode of Sex and the City didn't change anything, nothing ever will.
Then there's the fact that Yoda made the list. Yoda is a fucking puppet, i.e. not a real person, and he made the list. I could beat the shit out of Yoda because lightsabers, the force, and Yoda himself are all not real (sorry to break this to some of you). Yoda's inclusion in the list tells you everything you need to know about changing those shallow attitudes.
"All a man needs is food, sex, and silence. Feed me, fuck me, shut the fuck up."
- Chris Rock pointing out that there are only three things, not 101, necessary to please your man
The magazine, in its December issue, claims to be helping women “begin a long overdue fight against their genetically determined shallowness when choosing a partner.”
Thanks, guys. That should be a real big help, because I know that women really read and pay attention to what Maxim tells them. Then again, I'm sure plenty of women pay attention to shit like the "101 Ways to Please Your Man" columns in Cosmo and similar drivel, so you never know. But really, if Samantha dating a short guy on an epsisode of Sex and the City didn't change anything, nothing ever will.
Then there's the fact that Yoda made the list. Yoda is a fucking puppet, i.e. not a real person, and he made the list. I could beat the shit out of Yoda because lightsabers, the force, and Yoda himself are all not real (sorry to break this to some of you). Yoda's inclusion in the list tells you everything you need to know about changing those shallow attitudes.
"All a man needs is food, sex, and silence. Feed me, fuck me, shut the fuck up."
- Chris Rock pointing out that there are only three things, not 101, necessary to please your man
ETP posted a link to this a compilation of critics' quotes on the new 50 Cent movie a couple of days back. In the interest of being me and maintaining the low standards of this 'blog, I'm ripping off the link. However, I will go against principle and add some value. That "Critical Mess" feature is a regular "column" (not sure if you can call pulling other peoples' words together and Photoshopping them to a movie poster a column) on Movie Poop Shoot, View Askiew's entertainment news site. An archive of other installments of Critical Mess is contained here, and there is some pretty amusing stuff in there.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
SeVIIen
The Final Fantasy game series is one of those series that's achieved such status with us that any particular installment can be referred to simply by number. After about eight years, I finally sat down and started playing VII a few weeks ago. I had been meaning to buy and furthermore play this game for the longest fucking time, but just never got around to it. The same goes for VIII, which I have owned for a couple of years but have not put significant effort into. Yeah, the game series has legendary status with me, even though I've only played one of them all the way through (that being X). I kinda feel like I've actually already played VII since I watched ETP play so much of it our freshman year in the dorms, though. The sad thing is, with as much as I watched him play that fucking game, there was still quite a bit of it that I didn't witness. That kid was a fucking machine playing that game. Case in point: Thursday.
I've made reference to Thursday before. Searching through my archives, though, I couldn't find an instance of where I actually talked about Thursday, though. So get ready for another boring story of ours from back in the day.
This dipshit friend of ours was actually the one who first bought VII. His reason for buying it? "It's three discs!" But anyway, after a couple of days, he realized that he wasn't going to get any work done if he had VII sitting there in his room to play (despite this realization, this kid never finished college). ETP, on the other hand, can balance a schedule that includes heavy video game time along with skipping classes that he already knows everything in anyway. The kid is that good. So he set off on a VII quest.
One morning, not surprisingly at this juncture a Thursday morning, I got up. I don't know if ETP was already playing when I got up, but before I left for my four-hour chem lab, he was at it. Upon returning to our room from lab, he was still playing. After awhile, I left for work, with him still going. I was at work for at least another few hours, and when I got home, he was still playing. I can't remember what time he stopped that night, but it turned out to be a 14-hour marathon. He took time out for dinner (I think) and to hit the can, but that was it. This may not seem like a big deal to you, but trust me -- Thursday was fucking epic. How could it not be if out of all the Thursdays throughout history, that is the only one known simply as "Thursday"?
I'm not in Thursday territory yet. Shit, Thursday alone is nearly half the time I've put into playing the game thus far. I'm at just over 30 hours by the game clock (so a bit more in real time), and have just broken into the second disc. Of course, I don't quite have the free time to be logging 14-hour FF days, despite my rigorous social schedule. Since I've been busting ass at work and have been ordered to take some time off along with the upcoming Thanksgiving break, there's a chance I might get in some good hours in the coming days. Even still, I don't know if I can ever match Thursday.
I've been playing it off and on, sometimes going a week without touching it, then picking it up and playing until well into the morning. That'll happen with those fucking games. I've been hitting it decently hard the past couple of days since I finally had some time, plus I've just been pushing it so I can get to the part where Aeris dies. For anyone who has played the game already, you know what I'm talking about. For anyone who hasn't played the game but was thinking about it, just consider ruining part of the plot my gift to you.
And no, I wasn't trying to get to this particular part because I'm an asshole and I like it when the good guys get killed off, it's because I've been dreading that part and I just wanted to get it over with. I cared for that character a great deal, mainly just because she liked me (er, well, my video-game alter ego) for no reason whatsoever other than the plot demanded it. That's appealing to a guy like me who isn't going to be able to get real interest from a woman even with significant effort which I'm not even willing to put in. Sad? Yes. But have you read anything else here, for fuck's sake? You should know by now if so.
Sure, Tifa is hot and all, and she kicks some ass. But Aeris was cute and friendly and on top of that zero-effort, and that's just grand. So yeah, I liked Aeris, and now she's fucking dead, leaving us to move on with the rest of the miserable affair. Of course, thanks to ETP, I pretty much know a lot of what goes down and how it ends. I mean, beyond the fact that you win, which is a given with any FF game if you just play it long enough. I know some of the salient plot points, like how you're not real but actually a dream or some stupid shit like that. And I know that Sephiroth has wings for legs, can't wear his... Ah-DI-das! To make sure we're clear, the fact that you now know this is ETP's fault, not mine. And yeah, I've killed all this time playing a game where I know what happens, and I will proceed to kill even more time over the coming weeks. But as they say, life is a journey, not a destination, or some other such shit. Actually, the game is just fucking fun, even if you know what happens.
One of the more entertaining things about the more recent FF games is getting to name some or all of the characters in your party. Many just get left alone out of respect for the character, like Tifa. But many just demand name changes. Like Barret; he has to be named something to do with Mr. T because if you put some gold chains on that guy, that's who he is. Other characters have gotten names in the past that are now legendary, like the main female character from VIII, who will forever be known as Caitlin. This came about because that one dumbass I mentioned who first bought VII was for awhile obsessed with this girl named Caitlin, and as such we gave the character that name out of mockery (and also because ETP wasn't going to leave her name as Rhino).
For my VII quest, I just named the main character after me because I'm gay (I thought about naming him Link, though). Tifa and Aeris got left alone, and Mr. T is Mr. T. Cid got named "El Cid" because, again, he has to be. For Red XIII I couldn't come up with anything clever, so I just called him "Dogg." It was a couple of weeks later that I realized that I should have named him Raw Dog, but oh well. Vincent is such a fucking bag that the only name I could give him was Dooshe. In his case, though, I decided it needs to be pronounced Doo-shay. I haven't gotten Muffie yet, but that's obviously what she'll be called if I come across her. And Cait Sith? What the fuck is that thing? Could be meat, could be cake. I think it's... Meatcake!
I don't have the knack for naming characters like ETP does, though. There was one in Xenogears (or at least, I'm pretty sure it was Xenogears) that he named Fuckwad because, well, it looked like a fuckwad. Then there was the Guardian Diabolus from VIII, who is known to us as Asshole after ETP got pissed over how hard he was to beat.
As I've mentioned, this will be only the second FF game I've made it through, assuming, of course, that my video game ADHD doesn't kick in like it has with everything else in the past couple of years. Yup, somehow, X is the only one I've gone all the way through, probably because I got it and started playing it as the same time as ETP, thus allowing the whole game to be new to me the first time playing it for myself. Yes, I know, X was a piece of shit, even though, I'm sorry, it wasn't that bad. No, it wasn't that good. No, it wasn't VII or VIII, but both of us still put in our hours. Both of us wasted a bunch of fucking time in the calm plains. Both of us put in the effort to get those stupid ultimate weapons or whatever the fuck they were called. Even if Titus and Yuna were super lame, Auron was a bad-ass. And you, I might add, are the one who bought X-2, not me. Yes, I was the one who suckered you into it and I'm a bad person for that, but you still didn't have to do it.
Okay, now I can get back to talking to the rest of you. Should I get through it, this will also be the first game I've played all the way through in many years. I think the last one I didn't get bored with was Chrono Cross, which if you haven't played it, is a solid fucking game.
Shit, I've been talking about VII all this time, and I haven't even gotten to discussing the soundtrack. Talk about fucking epic. VIII is right up there with it, maybe even surpassing it. I may not have made it through either game at this point, but I sure as hell have played the shit out of those soundtracks. And since the games have come up in this post, Xenogears and Cross also have great soundtracks. All worth the money even though they're somewhat pricey, and don't be an ass and get bootlegs. This coming from the kid who hasn't actually purchased VII, but would if it were fucking in stock when he's looking to buy.
Correction: I just put in an order, and it should be on its way soon.
Alright, so that's really about it. As you may have surmised, the only real purpose of this post was so that I could use that title, which, yes, I have just been itching to use. That and so that I could update ETP on where I'm at and also allow the two of us to reminisce about the usual stupid bullshit without even having to talk to one another. Not like ETP gives that much of a shit about my progress; he has his own life. And by his own life, I mean Law and Order: SVU.
I've made reference to Thursday before. Searching through my archives, though, I couldn't find an instance of where I actually talked about Thursday, though. So get ready for another boring story of ours from back in the day.
This dipshit friend of ours was actually the one who first bought VII. His reason for buying it? "It's three discs!" But anyway, after a couple of days, he realized that he wasn't going to get any work done if he had VII sitting there in his room to play (despite this realization, this kid never finished college). ETP, on the other hand, can balance a schedule that includes heavy video game time along with skipping classes that he already knows everything in anyway. The kid is that good. So he set off on a VII quest.
One morning, not surprisingly at this juncture a Thursday morning, I got up. I don't know if ETP was already playing when I got up, but before I left for my four-hour chem lab, he was at it. Upon returning to our room from lab, he was still playing. After awhile, I left for work, with him still going. I was at work for at least another few hours, and when I got home, he was still playing. I can't remember what time he stopped that night, but it turned out to be a 14-hour marathon. He took time out for dinner (I think) and to hit the can, but that was it. This may not seem like a big deal to you, but trust me -- Thursday was fucking epic. How could it not be if out of all the Thursdays throughout history, that is the only one known simply as "Thursday"?
I'm not in Thursday territory yet. Shit, Thursday alone is nearly half the time I've put into playing the game thus far. I'm at just over 30 hours by the game clock (so a bit more in real time), and have just broken into the second disc. Of course, I don't quite have the free time to be logging 14-hour FF days, despite my rigorous social schedule. Since I've been busting ass at work and have been ordered to take some time off along with the upcoming Thanksgiving break, there's a chance I might get in some good hours in the coming days. Even still, I don't know if I can ever match Thursday.
I've been playing it off and on, sometimes going a week without touching it, then picking it up and playing until well into the morning. That'll happen with those fucking games. I've been hitting it decently hard the past couple of days since I finally had some time, plus I've just been pushing it so I can get to the part where Aeris dies. For anyone who has played the game already, you know what I'm talking about. For anyone who hasn't played the game but was thinking about it, just consider ruining part of the plot my gift to you.
And no, I wasn't trying to get to this particular part because I'm an asshole and I like it when the good guys get killed off, it's because I've been dreading that part and I just wanted to get it over with. I cared for that character a great deal, mainly just because she liked me (er, well, my video-game alter ego) for no reason whatsoever other than the plot demanded it. That's appealing to a guy like me who isn't going to be able to get real interest from a woman even with significant effort which I'm not even willing to put in. Sad? Yes. But have you read anything else here, for fuck's sake? You should know by now if so.
Sure, Tifa is hot and all, and she kicks some ass. But Aeris was cute and friendly and on top of that zero-effort, and that's just grand. So yeah, I liked Aeris, and now she's fucking dead, leaving us to move on with the rest of the miserable affair. Of course, thanks to ETP, I pretty much know a lot of what goes down and how it ends. I mean, beyond the fact that you win, which is a given with any FF game if you just play it long enough. I know some of the salient plot points, like how you're not real but actually a dream or some stupid shit like that. And I know that Sephiroth has wings for legs, can't wear his... Ah-DI-das! To make sure we're clear, the fact that you now know this is ETP's fault, not mine. And yeah, I've killed all this time playing a game where I know what happens, and I will proceed to kill even more time over the coming weeks. But as they say, life is a journey, not a destination, or some other such shit. Actually, the game is just fucking fun, even if you know what happens.
One of the more entertaining things about the more recent FF games is getting to name some or all of the characters in your party. Many just get left alone out of respect for the character, like Tifa. But many just demand name changes. Like Barret; he has to be named something to do with Mr. T because if you put some gold chains on that guy, that's who he is. Other characters have gotten names in the past that are now legendary, like the main female character from VIII, who will forever be known as Caitlin. This came about because that one dumbass I mentioned who first bought VII was for awhile obsessed with this girl named Caitlin, and as such we gave the character that name out of mockery (and also because ETP wasn't going to leave her name as Rhino).
For my VII quest, I just named the main character after me because I'm gay (I thought about naming him Link, though). Tifa and Aeris got left alone, and Mr. T is Mr. T. Cid got named "El Cid" because, again, he has to be. For Red XIII I couldn't come up with anything clever, so I just called him "Dogg." It was a couple of weeks later that I realized that I should have named him Raw Dog, but oh well. Vincent is such a fucking bag that the only name I could give him was Dooshe. In his case, though, I decided it needs to be pronounced Doo-shay. I haven't gotten Muffie yet, but that's obviously what she'll be called if I come across her. And Cait Sith? What the fuck is that thing? Could be meat, could be cake. I think it's... Meatcake!
I don't have the knack for naming characters like ETP does, though. There was one in Xenogears (or at least, I'm pretty sure it was Xenogears) that he named Fuckwad because, well, it looked like a fuckwad. Then there was the Guardian Diabolus from VIII, who is known to us as Asshole after ETP got pissed over how hard he was to beat.
As I've mentioned, this will be only the second FF game I've made it through, assuming, of course, that my video game ADHD doesn't kick in like it has with everything else in the past couple of years. Yup, somehow, X is the only one I've gone all the way through, probably because I got it and started playing it as the same time as ETP, thus allowing the whole game to be new to me the first time playing it for myself. Yes, I know, X was a piece of shit, even though, I'm sorry, it wasn't that bad. No, it wasn't that good. No, it wasn't VII or VIII, but both of us still put in our hours. Both of us wasted a bunch of fucking time in the calm plains. Both of us put in the effort to get those stupid ultimate weapons or whatever the fuck they were called. Even if Titus and Yuna were super lame, Auron was a bad-ass. And you, I might add, are the one who bought X-2, not me. Yes, I was the one who suckered you into it and I'm a bad person for that, but you still didn't have to do it.
Okay, now I can get back to talking to the rest of you. Should I get through it, this will also be the first game I've played all the way through in many years. I think the last one I didn't get bored with was Chrono Cross, which if you haven't played it, is a solid fucking game.
Shit, I've been talking about VII all this time, and I haven't even gotten to discussing the soundtrack. Talk about fucking epic. VIII is right up there with it, maybe even surpassing it. I may not have made it through either game at this point, but I sure as hell have played the shit out of those soundtracks. And since the games have come up in this post, Xenogears and Cross also have great soundtracks. All worth the money even though they're somewhat pricey, and don't be an ass and get bootlegs. This coming from the kid who hasn't actually purchased VII, but would if it were fucking in stock when he's looking to buy.
Correction: I just put in an order, and it should be on its way soon.
Alright, so that's really about it. As you may have surmised, the only real purpose of this post was so that I could use that title, which, yes, I have just been itching to use. That and so that I could update ETP on where I'm at and also allow the two of us to reminisce about the usual stupid bullshit without even having to talk to one another. Not like ETP gives that much of a shit about my progress; he has his own life. And by his own life, I mean Law and Order: SVU.
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