Ha ha ha, you stupid fuckers. Just to see the Republicans and the right moping around and making excuses and just generally being losers is hilarious. How does it feel, dooshe?

"Bush wants to go back to the Texas model. He's always reached out. He's been trying over the last couple of years with limited success," Snow said.

I think you mean "He's been trying over the last couple of years with limited trying." He hasn't tried because he hasn't had to. I know it, you know it, hell, dogs know it. This is just so funny that they have to try and pretend like it's all OK and shit. I can't wait to hear the slew of Republican leaders talking about how they are "looking forward" to working with the new congress. You know politicians are really dreading something when they talk up how they're looking forward to it.

And how about Santorum? San fucking torum. If nothing else yesterday was worth it to see him go down in flames. Katherine Harris too, that fucking bitch. I know, it's not like they're gonna go away entirely, but it's pretty solid progress.

So, the country's gonna be all better now, right? Well, not really. Let us not forget that the Democrats are a bunch of do-nothing dumbasses. This election was theirs to lose, and I'm still amazed that they didn't totally fuck it up. But at least now we might have a little bit of balance. We might have the semblance of some debate while most Americans are still getting fucked in the ass. If nothing else, we've got ourselves a change of scenery.

Of course, the shit isn't over. It's now a pre-req in this country that every election have something be really close so that we get a bunch of shit about recounts and fraud and lawsuits and blah blah blah. This time it looks as if we get it 2x with Virginia and Montana. Yay.

Somebody explain to me how "Macaca" manages to survive to the point where he's still got a 50/50 shot at keeping his job. I'm just asking.

I'm hoping this Senate shit gets sorted out soon, but it won't. Either way, let's hope it swings the D way so that the government will maybe just get locked up for the next couple years as Bush and the Democrats fight it out. Hey, no movement is better than going completely fucking backwards like we've been doing under Bush. And Bush has gotta be shitting himself over the notion of no longer having a rubber-stamp congress backing him, which is as funny as it is a relief. Maybe a few more Republicans will even grow balls and not kiss Bush's ass because they don't have to. I know, I know, probably not gonna happen. I'm such an optimist that I just can't help it sometimes.

Actually, the big reason I want the Senate not under Republican control is because of judicial nominees. Let's not forget that Team Bush has done a decent job of working things towards the right with that branch of government, and once people are in place there it's not as simple as an election every few years to get some changes going.

Being me, I've gotta find some more things to complain about. I do find myself kinda pissed that Democrats and liberals all over the country are gonna be gloating today. I'm just, like, don't get too excited. Like I said, this was your election to lose. You had every reason to pull this out, and if you didn't, wow, you suck. It's like an abusive parent that finally starts taking care of their kids. Sure, you deserve some credit for getting things right, but it shouldn't have taken this long. What do you want, a cookie? On top of that, don't forget that you've got a lot of work and a long road ahead of you.

Oh, and of course, it's not all good news. A bunch of states passed measures banning gay marriage, which is ridiculous even if not unexpected. We are enlightened so hard.

Alright, so that's it. New shit, different day. I leave you with one of my all-time favorite quotes from Lewis Black, who came up with the most brilliant and succinct way of explaining politics in this country:

"You see, in our two-party system, the Democrats are the party of no ideas and the Republicans are the party of bad ideas."

Alright, so it doesn't take a genius to see that the whole cosmetic surgery thing is out of control. You only need to know some of the basics of Botox to realize that this society has lost it's fucking mind. And while the following doesn't surprise me in the end, I was momentarily taken aback by it at first:

Women have toes shortened to fit into stilettoes.

This is a bad idea in so many ways. I mean, aside from the obvious. The foot fetishist in me is definitely appalled by this. You could very well be ruining a very nice set of toes for this nonsense. Then there's the fact that I don't particularly care for the look of those really pointy shoes anyway. In the words of Oak Express, that's not natural. Shoes with a more rounded toe are much cuter in my opinion.

I guess the operation would be pretty efficient, though. I can see this getting done in a few seconds with one good swipe of a meat cleaver.

But yeah, all this artificial beauty nonsense has got to stop. And when I'm in charge, it will. Of course, what ensues in this post will help ensure that I'm never in charge, because it's going to piss off pretty much everyone on both sides. And it, again, helps point out that I am really messed up in the head.

When I'm in charge, the first thing I'm banning is eye makeup. I've been over this before -- I simply cannot stand all that eyeshadow and eyeliner nonsense. Eyeshadow is just goofy. And eyeliner? Yeah, let's take a potentially nice feature and draw a bunch of dark fucking circles around them. Great idea. Just to show I'm a compromiser, though, I'll allow mascara to stay, so long as you learn to apply it properly.

Makeup in general just pisses me off. What are you, a person, or a fucking clown? I realize some people need makeup to look decent, but in the end, c'mon, who are you fooling? It's all about steady state -- you start the day ugly, you end the day ugly. Why not be consistent and look ugly in between. Many of us live just fine like that.

It also doesn't take a genius to see that I would ban breast implants pretty fuckin' quick. There is no goddamn need for that shit, I don't care how "small" your tits are. Of course, I'm biased towards smaller, but if you think I'm stopping with banning breast implants, hold on. I think I'm also going to make it so that we start genetically engineering all girls so that their breasts can never grow beyond a certain size, I'm thinking, hmmmmm, maybe a B-cup limit. That'd be just fine by me. And maybe with everyone being relatively "small," all this need for implants and shit would just go away within a few generations anyway. Nah, that's being too optimistic. Better to just cover all the bases up front.

While we're on the subject of genetic engineering, I've got a couple more good ideas. I think I'll put those scientists to work so that all girls end up with bad enough eyesight that it requires corrective lenses. No, not so they have trouble seeing what I look like. We all know how much I love girls in glasses. And before you think you're clever, contacts will also be right out.

Girls will also be genetically engineered so that they can't grow to be more than, I dunno, let's say 4'8" tall. Had this restriction been in place many moons ago, I'd have, at minimum, about a six-inch advantage when it comes to this stupid height bullshit, and then maybe I wouldn't have the degree of problems that I have today, and things like this post would have never seen the light of day.

There can't be many situations that feel more surreal than sitting at home, minding your own business, and then having Shaq Attaq bust in and falsely accuse you of being a kiddie porn freak. Alright, it didn't go down exactly like that, but still.

Apart from my initial post I've refrained from posting every funny bash.org quote that I come across, but in this case, I just have to. That is one of the fucking funniest things I've ever read.

You know what I find hilarious? The fact that, at this very moment, at least one person in New York is committing suicide because the Mets lost game 7 of the NLCS. You know I'm right.

Speaking of losers, I was just reading this old post of mine. I think everything laid out in that post makes me such a fucking loser that things actually circle back around to where it makes me fucking awesome. Just not as awesome as Math or the TI-G.O.D., of course.

Oh, and as a corollary to that post, I ended up overclocking my calculator after reading about how to do it.

Math is such a fucking badass

Math: If you hate it, it hates you. If you like it, it hates you more.

I dunno, that's not all quite right. Okay, sure, some kids think they like math, but it's easy for them to like it because they're actually stupid and not really getting it; they only think that's the case. And some kids who think they suck at it probably work harder at it and end up getting good as a result. But by the same token, there are some who really get off on math, and are good at it. They obviously weren't polling any kids who are going to grow up to be scientists, mathematicians, or engineers.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

And speaking of inappropriate behavior online, we have the asshole of the week/month/year, Mark Foley. Or at least, the asshole of the week/month/year who didn't needlessly kill anyone.

I'm the last one to call you out for lusting after teens, but dude, that doesn't mean you get to pull this shit. And I love all of the excuses that we're getting deluged with... Alcoholism, molested when he was younger, "mental issues" (yeah, no fucking shit). Dude, you're hitting on teen boys when you're co-chairman of the Missing and Exploited Children's Caucus. I know it seems lame to bust out Star Trek quotes when you are trying to make a serious point, but "Those who clothe themselves in good deeds are well camouflaged." That's all there is to that. You like young boys and you thought you could hide it or make up for it by trying to crack down on people who do exactly what you were doing.

"He continues to offer no excuse whatsoever for his conduct."

Alcoholism, molestation... I do believe those sound like... Yes, those are excuses.

I also love all of the nonsense coming from the Republicans about how they didn't know shit about shit. Give me a fucking break. A member of congress is making inappropriate contact with teenage boys, and that shit isn't going to get around? Regardless of whether or not they knew it was sexual, they knew something was up. Plus, they had to know it was something naughty; it was known that he was admonished for something inappropriate, and people are gonna put two and two together even if they haven't heard for certain.

The only thing that allows me to maybe buy that is that if it were well known, the Democrats should have pounced on it. Of course, the Democrats are stupid, so even if they knew there's a good chance they just sat on it. Or maybe they were actually smart and waited to let it come out until it was closer to the election.

"Mark Foley wants you to know he is a gay man."

Thanks Mark. I appreciate you keeping me up to speed on things. Seriously, this sounds like a great political ad. I want to see someone bust that out. "Candidate X wants you to know that he is a gay man."

I will give him one thing:

Foley's attorney, David Roth, said Foley had never had sexual contact with a minor and said any assertion that Foley is a pedophile is "categorically false."

If it was all teen boys he was interested in, ones who had been through puberty, then technically, he's not a pedo, he's an ephebophile. Where did I pick up that tidbit? Hey, you learn the facts that are relevant to your life. And, as I've said before, if that's your preference, fine, just don't be a dick and act on it.

One final note to Bush, and everyone else who is weighing in on this: knock of the fucking moral grandstanding. We know what he did was bad.

This right here shows how stupid we are as a country in general, and how stupid Bush is in specific. I wouldn't be surprised if he came up with that idea all on his own. Yeah, we have three fatal school incidents within a week, so let's convene a conference on school violence. Even though in two of the three cases, it wasn't a student, or even someone involved with the school who was the perpetrator. Not that school violence isn't an issue, but for this gathering to be sparked by the past week is retarded. And of course, I'm sure this conference will solve everything.

And while we're talking about it, you just knew how much the newspeople were wetting themselves last week. Even though the killing at the Colorado school had nothing to do with Columbine, you knew they were just dying to even make mere mention of Columbine. The first few articles on the standoff -- no mention. They were like, "wait for it... wait for it..." Sure enough, after a few revisions of the article(s) they kept editing, they shoehorned in the token Columbine reference even though it had nothing to do with anything.

Okay, so I had heard of bash.org before, but I thought it was the homepage for the BASH shell, and not something completely different. As it turns out, what it is is a collection of highly amusing and oftentimes stupid quotes as seen in online chats. No, relax, not the kind of rooms I'm in. A small sampling:

<phenom> would you bang the queen
<phenom> for $10000
<nacho> i dont have that kind of money

<Jeedo> hey baby, whats up?
<Indidge> umm....nothing?
<Jeedo> So....want me to like come over today so we can fuck?
<Indidge> Wait....did you want to speak to my daughter?
<Jeedo> Yes Mrs.Miller.. :-/

<Pax> I wish my lawn was emo, so it would cut itself.

<Th3No0b>> Im going to be the next hitler
<Th3No0b> Im going to kill all the jews and 1 clown
<RageAgainsttheAmish> why the clown
<Th3No0b> See? no one cares about the jews
<RageAgainsttheAmish> lmao

And if you have spent too much time in chatrooms like myself, this one will resonate with you (relax, it's not from one of the rooms I'm ever in).

Just hit the links at the top middle/right of the page to get to some lists of quotes and proceed to kill way too much time laughing your ass off.

As I've pointed out before I'm not a big fan of big tits, and furthermore loathe fakes, but at least they can serve some practical purpose.

Borat. Also, depending on what you consider "fun," some fun facts.

If you have never seen Da Ali G Show, I would highly recommend checking it out.

I saw this yesterday, and I've gotta say, that is one of the dumbest fucking things I've seen in awhile. What, no one else can Bash Bush, that's the Democrats' job? Especially since, you know, they do such a solid fucking job of ripping on Bush as it is. Yeah, nice try attempting to be all cool and shit, Democrats. I'll see you on the other side of November.

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, D-California, was blunt in her criticism of the Venezuelan leader. "He is an everyday thug," she said.

You're stupid, Nancy. And Hugo Chavez is a retard. There is no point at all in responding to anything he says.

"If there's any criticism of President Bush, it should be restricted to Americans, whether they voted for him or not," Rangel said at a Washington news conference.

That's also fucking stupid. It's not like what Bush does effects anyone besides Americans, after all. The only thing that's lame enough to trump American stupidity is American pompousness.

Please tell me I didn't just read this

It's been a very long time since I've linked a story from MDN's WaiWai pages. Longtime readers know that I became desensitized to much of Japan's fucked-upedness many moons ago, partly through repeated exposure, and partly through the personal adoption of certain issues. That whole Japanese schoolgirl thing has pretty much turned into my version of crack addiction.

I have various thoughts on Japan running through my head, and maybe I'll get to those at some point soon. Until then, there's this. I... I don't even know what to say about that, but I'll try.

"Air sex was originally invented by guys who couldn't get girlfriends, but desperately want to have sex."

In the rest of the world, guys like us found a (non-ideal) solution to that quandary -- we call it masturbation. I never really thought about this, but now I wonder: do Japanese guys know how to beat off? I mean, it's wholly possible. This is a technologically advanced country, the second largest economy in the world, a nation that seems to be fond of adopting things from other cultures (particularly American, if you can call what we have "culture"). As yet, they can't get on board with simple things like orthodontics. So if they don't know how to pound the pud, I would not be surprised at this point.

"I've seen guys who put on air sex shows that clearly display they're still virgins. I've also seen other guys perform such incredibly authentic fake fellatio that nobody has been left in any doubt that they could only be bisexual. Let me reiterate: Air sex can be dangerous."

Abunai!* Yeah, that's so incredibly dangerous. Aside from the hits to ego or potential embarrassment, how is that dangerous? I was waiting for a story about someone getting seriously injured, and I was left hanging.

Japan's reigning air sex world champion is a fella who goes by the name of Cobra.

For the rest of the article, all I could think of was G.I. Joe. Coooooooo-braaaaaaa!!!! Coooooooo-braaaaaaa!!!!

You can't care about what women watching your performance are thinking about you.

That goes without saying. If you think what women must be thinking, you're going to kill yourself.

Air sexpert Sugisaku agrees.

The fact that anybody alive can call themselves an "air sex expert" is just a sad referendum on everything. Wait, I just re-read that -- it says "air sexpert." Yeah, I know, this is all translated and shit, but still.

* Oh look at me, I'm so fucking clever busting out one of the three words I know in Japanese. And it's even romanized, because I'm fucking harsh like that.

It's been awhile, so time for another load.

effective ways to mastubate

Are there that many sites out there dedicated to ineffective masturbation which would force you to add that qualifier?

is a prostitute cheating

Here, why don't you go fuck a prostitute, then let your significant other know about it and he or she will give you the answer. Jesus Christ. Even Clinton knows what the answer to this is. Depending on the meaning of yeah yeah you got it.

girls who fuck corpses

You've seen Clerks, so you know it's possible. I just don't see a lot of girls getting into this, though. Or, I suppose, getting this into them. Sure, he's very stiff and can probably last awhile. But he's cold and unemotional. He won't wanna cuddle or talk afterwards. He fell asleep before you even started fucking. And he's definitely not gonna call you the next day. Really, for a lot of guys out there, this sounds like a perfect relationship. So my advice to guys: fucking kill yourself.

i want to fuck princess diana

Dude. Either you have been asleep for about nine years, or you have various other issues.

lolicon island

Holy crap. If we can get a racetrack built there then this is the best idea ever. Yes, even better than Hemp Island.

flexible enough to put your dick in your own butt

Some of you people may forget the level of crap I have to go through when looking through my referral logs, and if you have, this should remind you. How exactly was this person envisioning pulling off this feat? I can't imagine how you could even think it's possible to bend forward in such a way that a hard penis could end up in your ass. A long enough flaccid one, maybe, but where's the point in that? Or did they envision being able to, like, split yourself in two and rotate the upper half of your body around, like a flip-top head only not? God, this is so fucking stupid.

yuna should be shot

This is already one of my all-time favorite search hits, and I'm not saying that sarcastically. I get so many goddamn hits for Yuna naked, or Yuna's wedding dress, or some stupid shit about Tidus and Yuna, but finally I got a Yuna-related hit that made me laugh.

does doggy style cause constipation?

This is another one that had me laughing out loud, for reasons opposite of the previous search hit. The worst part about this is that curiosity got the best of me and I went and clicked on the Google link, so considering Google's data retention policies and the fact that I hadn't cleared cookies prior to that, I know that one's gonna come back to haunt me someday.

fucked a can of "creamed corn"

Another one where I really don't think that I need to bother making any jokes on my own.

WOMAN fucking with sushi

That's way too much raw fish for even myself to handle.

When I saw a comic called Shortpacked! linked over at Jared's, I was thinking it had to be a comic about toys, and sure enough, it is (in addition to comics and other nerdy shit).

The best part is that it's gotta be written by someone close in age to me. Only someone from my generation would be making a comic referencing certain toy lines from back in the day.

Okay, you need to check out the video in this post of ETP's, which he lifted from Jared, who got it someplace else.

How brilliant is that? I mean, Richard Hawk? And, you know, everything else? I've gotta get ahold of a copy of that game. Since it appears it was only released in Japan, looks like I'm gonna have to go some sort of mod chip route to play it, assuming I can find the game itself, which so far I have had zero success with.

Alright, so I got an iPod a few months back. I've gotta say, these fuckin' things are not worth what people pay for them. Complaints:

The controls on it are total shit. The goddamn click wheel is way too sensitive, and the sensitivity isn't adjustable.

The backlight brightness rivals that light at the top of NERV Headquarters. You can change the timing of it, you can shut it off, but no, no reason why you should be able to control the fucker's brightness. With backlights being the inefficient powerhogs that they are, I usually end up just keeping mine turned off all the time to save battery life. I also saw recently that Apple is making the screen brighter in the next gen iPod for no apparent reason. Thanks, Steve.

The "shuffle songs" (randomize) should be under the "music" menu, not the root menu.

It's lame that it does all of your organizing for you via ID3 tags and gives you no other control on how music gets organized.

Trying to fast forwarding more than a couple tracks at once makes the damn thing look like it's locked up on you, but nope, it's still recording every click of the button and will move things forward once it gets it's shit in gear. And there are undoubtedly other little issues I could go on about that aren't coming to mind at the moment.

That's just the device itself, though, and then there's iTunes, which is also a piece of shit. I fired up iTunes once to make sure that the software initialized the Pod correctly. As I started it up, it asks me if I wants to let it search for music. I'm like, fuck it, do what you gotta do. It implied it would only search for music, and I seem to recall just under the "My Music" folder as well. But no, it proceeds to find every MP3 on my hard drive and start dumping it to the iPod. Hey, fuck you! Don't do shit without me telling you! Some retards may like this automation (shit, tons of them must for the iPod to be so undeservedly popular), but I'm a goddamn engineer and I want to do it myself. I believe I saw somewhere that you can change things so that it doesn't automatically update the device, but even still, automatic updating being the default is lame.

That was the only time I used iTunes, and I'm not planning to use it ever again. No, I don't give a shit about their stupid store. Since that first unpleasant experience I have used gtkpod under Linux. It's not a stellar interface, but it's not bad, either.

The latest iPod insult can be found here. I would so fucking buy one of those for my iPod, but it's only available for the Nano. I have the 30GB video iPod. Assholes.

Despite the dumb-ass name and bullshit posturing on their web page, I may have to get one of these cases instead. I found out about these ones in an article which included the iKitty, and they had this to say about the YoTank case:

YoTank introduces a new line of military-grade digital audio player cases that can withstand Â?a RPG or mortar shell explosion 85 percent of the time.Â? Cases are machined from solid blocks of aluminum and fit the iPod Nano/Video/Mini or Creative Zen Vision:M players.

I don't know where they're getting that from, but if that's the case, hell yeah, I need one.

So at this point you're like "Ha ha, you stupid asshole. You bought the iPod just because you're a goddamn snob and you wanted to feel cooler than everyone else." Ah, but the astute reader will have realized something's the matter. A few months back, when I got mine, the 60GB iPod was the top of the line. I always go as top-shelf as I can. As yet, I only got the 30GB model. What up with that? Oh, well, I got it for free, so ha ha if you've been lusting after one.

Alright, so I've bitched publicly about it, and I've made fun of all the Pod-less plebians who are going without. Now the goddamn thing is gonna break down on me for sure. Because even with as much as it pisses me off, shit, I'll take it. I wouldn't pay no $300 for it because it isn't worth $300, but at $0 the price is right. And if I did have to say one good thing about it, it's the fact that even at the 30GB level, that's still a lot of fucking space. I just rip entire CDs and throw them on there, not caring about how much space I'm wasting because I have a fuckton of it. The drive capacity alone almost makes up for all it's annoyances, and certainly makes it worth the $0 price tag.

There are so many jokes (many of them already well-played out) waiting to bust out of this that it's difficult to know where to begin.

Wait, what? If this is correct, then this is a bad idea. Would you fucking gai jin please find someone who can actually read Japanese and sort out what Newtype is saying? From the article I posted a couple days ago:

While the new story will be set during the same time frame as the original TV series, Newtype states that it will be an entirely new project, not be a remake or improvement of any sort.

But now this stupid shit:

In the October issue of Newtype (Japan) Gainax revealed a four-part series of films entitled Evangelion Shin Gekijou Ban, which will adapt (with new material) the recondite Neon Genesis Evangelion TV anime and make it more comprehensible to ordinary viewers.

Please tell me that is incorrect, because that goes against... Everything.

Oh yay, more pretentious bullshit. Real sorry I missed out on all of whatever the hell that was, and is.

"With your help we believe we are witnessing the birth of a new art form," they wrote.

The birth of a new art form? You mean crap? Crap on the internet? The girl, whatever age she is, isn't bad looking, though. Even if she does have a mad case of sperm eyebrows going on there.

Is there any. Fucking. Need. For this? This isn't about remembrance, this is about nostalgia. That notion just hit me. The news people and a good deal of the rest of this country are nostalgic over 9/11, not 9/10, and that's not right. We like this shit because it's entertaining, and the news people like it because it's money.

In addition, CNN.com will offer comprehensive coverage of the anniversary, including a multimedia look at how life has changed since the terrorist attacks...

How has life changed? We're dumber. Next.

"And while difficult, for many of us it is important to remember the emotion of that day... On this September 11, as we reflect on what has happened to our nation and our world, it is important to remember, but even more important not to forget."

As per usual here this is review, but how exactly in the fuck are we supposed to forget? If we even forget for a couple of seconds they ram shit down our throats to rectify that situation.

In an effort to be sensitive to those who may not want to view the images, the feed will include a viewer discretion warning...

Two things. One, if you care about being "sensitive", you could always not do this in the first place. Just a thought. And two, if people don't want to see the images, god forbid they should be smart enough to not fire up this shit up in the first place. But of course, we're talking about people here, and at least in this country, we are, again, dumber than we were five years ago, when we were already pretty fucking stupid.

Once again this year, my plans for 9/11 are to pretty much ignore as much shit as I possibly can. Unfortunately, it's not safe to look at or listen to anything, but I'll do what I can to limit the damage.

Nice. Sure, it's always a dangerous proposition to expand on a classic, but this is already way better of an idea than that stupid live-action shit which mercifully I have not heard anything on in awhile.

This is also priceless. You don't need to know why that's funny, you just need to know that it's funny. Found over at WWdN:IX.

This is hilarious. You just can't go wrong when Legos are involved, as long as it's not some of the crap shit Lego has been putting out in recent years.

And no, I don't care that using "Lego" in the plural "Legos" is inappropriate.

That amusing link is the work of The Reverend Brendan Powell Smith. A choice post from his 'blog:

Smith checks himself before wrecking himself
Following the advice of a concerned and vaguely threatening peer, Rev. Smith today decided to take a moment out of his busy schedule to check himself before wrecking himself. "I was skeptical at first, not having realized that I was on a path to self-destruction, but I now feel extremely fortunate to have taken the time to examine my recent behaviors and motivations, making changes where necessary to better myself."

That's funny.