Take it all

I'm pretty sure that every time I release a set of searches into the wild I have to qualify it with some sort of complaint about how the searches just aren't good anymore. But I have seriously been checking my logs for the past couple months and there has been all but jack shit in there that amused me. I have tried to set the bar at a minimum of ten new items from searches and spam before I post these but it's just not happening so I'm gonna let this one blow prematurely.

Spam:

Your sexual life will be an example for others.

It already is, asshole.

naked pics of jake plummer

Dude, if he's got the hobo beard going, it's gonna be like one of those fuckin' "evolution of man" posters.

as a muslim is it wrong to mastubate

Not if you do it facing Mecca. Nah, not true. I think it's wrong to do anything fun if you're Muslim. The same goes if you're sufficiently devout in any other of those ridiculous religions.

how to stay in love with a man with pointy balls

I don't know what's weirder about this one -- the thought of balls being pointy or the notion of said balls being a reason to not stay in love with someone.

prayer for teenage girls dealing with hormones

I just... I just dunno what to say about this one. I mean, it's teenage girls, and hormones, and I wanna make like a million jokes and inappropriate comments, but this is so fucking stupid that it just has to be left alone.

Nancy Pelosi tits boobs

I know, you didn't need that image, but I've been getting a ton of hits like this so now you get to suffer too. Why are so many of you fuckers searching for this? Isn't she like 66 years old? STOP THAT. Yeah, I know, I'm just gonna get like a billion more hits on this now, but I am fed up and needed to vent.

does killing someone for coveting my wife send me to hell

That is a very good question. I'd have to say that the penalties offset -- you just replay the down.

The Sailor Schoolgirl site is sportin' a couple of updates for those with issues like mine.

Both arms?

I don't think I'd really worry too much. Women are still gonna want their sparkly things. And that's fine, that's not a crackback, we've all got our addictions.

Okay, maybe things are more fucked up when it comes to the diamond trade as opposed to other things. But c'mon. I get so tired of people picking and choosing the things they wanna be principled about. Christ only knows all of the atrocities that go down to bring us many of the other products that we all love. You know, then there's the fact that a lot of us live pretty good lives but collectively we don't give too much of a fuck about the rest of the world. If you want to be principled about diamonds, that's cool -- but you'd better not stop there if you're gonna get on your high horse about it.

Sex offenders have officially run out of excuses.

Defense attorney Richard Yetter said his client was not articulate and may not have been doing a good job of conveying his rationale to the judge.

You're always in pretty solid shape when your lawyer has to step in and basically say "You'll have to excuse my client, your honor... He's an idiot." Great defense you had going there, chief.

Despite being what most would term "an asshole," I'm paradoxically all about cute things. And you know, up to a point, I'm OK with things like PDA (and no, not Palm Pilots). But seriously, the line has gotta be drawn somewhere, and this goes well beyond that line.

Wow, I dunno if I've ever gone this long without making a post. And if I have, it's been awhile. Sorry, world, I'm not dead yet. I do realize that I'm going to die someday, but I am still my fucking khakis.

So let's get things rolling by talking about someone else who we'd all forgotten about, Michael Richards. First off, when his name first showed up in the headlines, I was like many people -- "Who?" Sad that his name was meaningless at the outset considering that he played one of the most iconic characters in TV history.

You know what, though? I think it's fantastic when racist assholes spew their garbage. The more they do it, the better, I say. Well, within limits of course -- as long as it's not inciting killings or riots and shit. But within those limits I'm down because then we know exactly who the racist dipshits are. It's just much more honest. We know who they are and we know where they're at.

Like with anything there's a flipside, and I of course end up annoyed when someone does this because we know that we're now on the express train to Insincerity Junction. Whenever someone gets off a blast like this, there is the inevitable stream of bullshit apologies that follows. Apologies that they don't mean and are only saying as part of the normal damage control routine. Obnoxiously, it always has to go beyond the perpetrator:

"This is one thing we don't tolerate. ... I personally apologize. I apologize from my heart," Masada said Monday.

Why are you apologizing, lady? You didn't do anything. Well, other than let him back on stage after saying you don't tolerate that. But with regards to apologizing for the words of someone else, which they controlled and you didn't -- insincere, ineffective nonsense.

"Freedom of speech has its limitations and I think Michael Richards found those limitations."

Clear and present danger just called, and it's telling you you're an idiot. Michael Richards isn't going to jail over this. He was still well within First Amendment bounds, you stem.

Another thing I found offensive:

Richards retorts: "Shut up! Fifty years ago we'd have you upside down with a fucking fork up your ass."

Okay, two things, the first being the fact that I have to de-censor CNN. Second, if you can step aside from the racism for a minute, that joke isn't even funny. Shit, it really doesn't even make sense. If you are going to make racist jokes at least make sure they're funny. And yes, you know that racist jokes can be funny, you fucking Chuwero. Every last one of us has made and laughed at racist jokes. No, we're not cool for it, but it happens.

"I think it's a career ruiner for him. ... It's going to be a long road back for him, if at all."

I really don't know why people even bother saying shit like this.

Then, there is the other side, which manages to piss me off too:

The protesters also demanded an apology from the Laugh Factory.

What a bunch of whiny crybabies. You have nothing better to do than protest against this nonsense? And what is an apology from the comedy club going to do? It does about as much as praying.

Look, I'm not trying to trivialize this. But there's always a loss of perspective on the bigger picture when it comes to these things. Although he's certainly guilty of overreaction at times as well, Al Sharpton put it well:

"Last Monday I was on the stage in Washington where they broke the ground for the Martin Luther King monument. It showed us how far we have come. Then by the end of the week, his tirade shows us how far we still have to go."

Yes, exactly. Although we are a long ways away from minorities being upside down with forks in their asses, things are still not exactly great. There's still plenty of racism, sexism, homophobia, what have you, floating around out there to show that we're not as enlightened as we'd like to be.

What I really wish people would do when someone goes Michael Richards or Mel Gibson is just ignore them. Okay, maybe give them a punch in the nuts (or somewhere else if nuts are not available on the asshole in question), call them a fuck-off, and then just ignore them. All the protesting and bickering and apologizing doesn't do anything at all to change the situation. The racist asshole will still be a racist asshole, but at least they're up front about it, so we can just stay away if we so desire.

In closing, a quote from Carlin on racist speech and the use of the word "nigger":

"We don't mind when Richard Pryor or Eddie Murphy uses it. Why? Because we know they're not racists. They're Niggers!"

That whole bit of Carlin's is pretty solid because it points out how the words -- just the words themselves -- are pretty benign, because words don't do actually do anything. No, it's the actions (yes Meatwad, with actions!) of racist assholes that really matter. If they just wanna talk, though, let them talk. We don't have to listen.

Ha ha ha, you stupid fuckers. Just to see the Republicans and the right moping around and making excuses and just generally being losers is hilarious. How does it feel, dooshe?

"Bush wants to go back to the Texas model. He's always reached out. He's been trying over the last couple of years with limited success," Snow said.

I think you mean "He's been trying over the last couple of years with limited trying." He hasn't tried because he hasn't had to. I know it, you know it, hell, dogs know it. This is just so funny that they have to try and pretend like it's all OK and shit. I can't wait to hear the slew of Republican leaders talking about how they are "looking forward" to working with the new congress. You know politicians are really dreading something when they talk up how they're looking forward to it.

And how about Santorum? San fucking torum. If nothing else yesterday was worth it to see him go down in flames. Katherine Harris too, that fucking bitch. I know, it's not like they're gonna go away entirely, but it's pretty solid progress.

So, the country's gonna be all better now, right? Well, not really. Let us not forget that the Democrats are a bunch of do-nothing dumbasses. This election was theirs to lose, and I'm still amazed that they didn't totally fuck it up. But at least now we might have a little bit of balance. We might have the semblance of some debate while most Americans are still getting fucked in the ass. If nothing else, we've got ourselves a change of scenery.

Of course, the shit isn't over. It's now a pre-req in this country that every election have something be really close so that we get a bunch of shit about recounts and fraud and lawsuits and blah blah blah. This time it looks as if we get it 2x with Virginia and Montana. Yay.

Somebody explain to me how "Macaca" manages to survive to the point where he's still got a 50/50 shot at keeping his job. I'm just asking.

I'm hoping this Senate shit gets sorted out soon, but it won't. Either way, let's hope it swings the D way so that the government will maybe just get locked up for the next couple years as Bush and the Democrats fight it out. Hey, no movement is better than going completely fucking backwards like we've been doing under Bush. And Bush has gotta be shitting himself over the notion of no longer having a rubber-stamp congress backing him, which is as funny as it is a relief. Maybe a few more Republicans will even grow balls and not kiss Bush's ass because they don't have to. I know, I know, probably not gonna happen. I'm such an optimist that I just can't help it sometimes.

Actually, the big reason I want the Senate not under Republican control is because of judicial nominees. Let's not forget that Team Bush has done a decent job of working things towards the right with that branch of government, and once people are in place there it's not as simple as an election every few years to get some changes going.

Being me, I've gotta find some more things to complain about. I do find myself kinda pissed that Democrats and liberals all over the country are gonna be gloating today. I'm just, like, don't get too excited. Like I said, this was your election to lose. You had every reason to pull this out, and if you didn't, wow, you suck. It's like an abusive parent that finally starts taking care of their kids. Sure, you deserve some credit for getting things right, but it shouldn't have taken this long. What do you want, a cookie? On top of that, don't forget that you've got a lot of work and a long road ahead of you.

Oh, and of course, it's not all good news. A bunch of states passed measures banning gay marriage, which is ridiculous even if not unexpected. We are enlightened so hard.

Alright, so that's it. New shit, different day. I leave you with one of my all-time favorite quotes from Lewis Black, who came up with the most brilliant and succinct way of explaining politics in this country:

"You see, in our two-party system, the Democrats are the party of no ideas and the Republicans are the party of bad ideas."

Alright, so it doesn't take a genius to see that the whole cosmetic surgery thing is out of control. You only need to know some of the basics of Botox to realize that this society has lost it's fucking mind. And while the following doesn't surprise me in the end, I was momentarily taken aback by it at first:

Women have toes shortened to fit into stilettoes.

This is a bad idea in so many ways. I mean, aside from the obvious. The foot fetishist in me is definitely appalled by this. You could very well be ruining a very nice set of toes for this nonsense. Then there's the fact that I don't particularly care for the look of those really pointy shoes anyway. In the words of Oak Express, that's not natural. Shoes with a more rounded toe are much cuter in my opinion.

I guess the operation would be pretty efficient, though. I can see this getting done in a few seconds with one good swipe of a meat cleaver.

But yeah, all this artificial beauty nonsense has got to stop. And when I'm in charge, it will. Of course, what ensues in this post will help ensure that I'm never in charge, because it's going to piss off pretty much everyone on both sides. And it, again, helps point out that I am really messed up in the head.

When I'm in charge, the first thing I'm banning is eye makeup. I've been over this before -- I simply cannot stand all that eyeshadow and eyeliner nonsense. Eyeshadow is just goofy. And eyeliner? Yeah, let's take a potentially nice feature and draw a bunch of dark fucking circles around them. Great idea. Just to show I'm a compromiser, though, I'll allow mascara to stay, so long as you learn to apply it properly.

Makeup in general just pisses me off. What are you, a person, or a fucking clown? I realize some people need makeup to look decent, but in the end, c'mon, who are you fooling? It's all about steady state -- you start the day ugly, you end the day ugly. Why not be consistent and look ugly in between. Many of us live just fine like that.

It also doesn't take a genius to see that I would ban breast implants pretty fuckin' quick. There is no goddamn need for that shit, I don't care how "small" your tits are. Of course, I'm biased towards smaller, but if you think I'm stopping with banning breast implants, hold on. I think I'm also going to make it so that we start genetically engineering all girls so that their breasts can never grow beyond a certain size, I'm thinking, hmmmmm, maybe a B-cup limit. That'd be just fine by me. And maybe with everyone being relatively "small," all this need for implants and shit would just go away within a few generations anyway. Nah, that's being too optimistic. Better to just cover all the bases up front.

While we're on the subject of genetic engineering, I've got a couple more good ideas. I think I'll put those scientists to work so that all girls end up with bad enough eyesight that it requires corrective lenses. No, not so they have trouble seeing what I look like. We all know how much I love girls in glasses. And before you think you're clever, contacts will also be right out.

Girls will also be genetically engineered so that they can't grow to be more than, I dunno, let's say 4'8" tall. Had this restriction been in place many moons ago, I'd have, at minimum, about a six-inch advantage when it comes to this stupid height bullshit, and then maybe I wouldn't have the degree of problems that I have today, and things like this post would have never seen the light of day.

There can't be many situations that feel more surreal than sitting at home, minding your own business, and then having Shaq Attaq bust in and falsely accuse you of being a kiddie porn freak. Alright, it didn't go down exactly like that, but still.

Apart from my initial post I've refrained from posting every funny bash.org quote that I come across, but in this case, I just have to. That is one of the fucking funniest things I've ever read.

You know what I find hilarious? The fact that, at this very moment, at least one person in New York is committing suicide because the Mets lost game 7 of the NLCS. You know I'm right.

Speaking of losers, I was just reading this old post of mine. I think everything laid out in that post makes me such a fucking loser that things actually circle back around to where it makes me fucking awesome. Just not as awesome as Math or the TI-G.O.D., of course.

Oh, and as a corollary to that post, I ended up overclocking my calculator after reading about how to do it.

Math is such a fucking badass

Math: If you hate it, it hates you. If you like it, it hates you more.

I dunno, that's not all quite right. Okay, sure, some kids think they like math, but it's easy for them to like it because they're actually stupid and not really getting it; they only think that's the case. And some kids who think they suck at it probably work harder at it and end up getting good as a result. But by the same token, there are some who really get off on math, and are good at it. They obviously weren't polling any kids who are going to grow up to be scientists, mathematicians, or engineers.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

And speaking of inappropriate behavior online, we have the asshole of the week/month/year, Mark Foley. Or at least, the asshole of the week/month/year who didn't needlessly kill anyone.

I'm the last one to call you out for lusting after teens, but dude, that doesn't mean you get to pull this shit. And I love all of the excuses that we're getting deluged with... Alcoholism, molested when he was younger, "mental issues" (yeah, no fucking shit). Dude, you're hitting on teen boys when you're co-chairman of the Missing and Exploited Children's Caucus. I know it seems lame to bust out Star Trek quotes when you are trying to make a serious point, but "Those who clothe themselves in good deeds are well camouflaged." That's all there is to that. You like young boys and you thought you could hide it or make up for it by trying to crack down on people who do exactly what you were doing.

"He continues to offer no excuse whatsoever for his conduct."

Alcoholism, molestation... I do believe those sound like... Yes, those are excuses.

I also love all of the nonsense coming from the Republicans about how they didn't know shit about shit. Give me a fucking break. A member of congress is making inappropriate contact with teenage boys, and that shit isn't going to get around? Regardless of whether or not they knew it was sexual, they knew something was up. Plus, they had to know it was something naughty; it was known that he was admonished for something inappropriate, and people are gonna put two and two together even if they haven't heard for certain.

The only thing that allows me to maybe buy that is that if it were well known, the Democrats should have pounced on it. Of course, the Democrats are stupid, so even if they knew there's a good chance they just sat on it. Or maybe they were actually smart and waited to let it come out until it was closer to the election.

"Mark Foley wants you to know he is a gay man."

Thanks Mark. I appreciate you keeping me up to speed on things. Seriously, this sounds like a great political ad. I want to see someone bust that out. "Candidate X wants you to know that he is a gay man."

I will give him one thing:

Foley's attorney, David Roth, said Foley had never had sexual contact with a minor and said any assertion that Foley is a pedophile is "categorically false."

If it was all teen boys he was interested in, ones who had been through puberty, then technically, he's not a pedo, he's an ephebophile. Where did I pick up that tidbit? Hey, you learn the facts that are relevant to your life. And, as I've said before, if that's your preference, fine, just don't be a dick and act on it.

One final note to Bush, and everyone else who is weighing in on this: knock of the fucking moral grandstanding. We know what he did was bad.

This right here shows how stupid we are as a country in general, and how stupid Bush is in specific. I wouldn't be surprised if he came up with that idea all on his own. Yeah, we have three fatal school incidents within a week, so let's convene a conference on school violence. Even though in two of the three cases, it wasn't a student, or even someone involved with the school who was the perpetrator. Not that school violence isn't an issue, but for this gathering to be sparked by the past week is retarded. And of course, I'm sure this conference will solve everything.

And while we're talking about it, you just knew how much the newspeople were wetting themselves last week. Even though the killing at the Colorado school had nothing to do with Columbine, you knew they were just dying to even make mere mention of Columbine. The first few articles on the standoff -- no mention. They were like, "wait for it... wait for it..." Sure enough, after a few revisions of the article(s) they kept editing, they shoehorned in the token Columbine reference even though it had nothing to do with anything.

Okay, so I had heard of bash.org before, but I thought it was the homepage for the BASH shell, and not something completely different. As it turns out, what it is is a collection of highly amusing and oftentimes stupid quotes as seen in online chats. No, relax, not the kind of rooms I'm in. A small sampling:

<phenom> would you bang the queen
<phenom> for $10000
<nacho> i dont have that kind of money

<Jeedo> hey baby, whats up?
<Indidge> umm....nothing?
<Jeedo> So....want me to like come over today so we can fuck?
<Indidge> Wait....did you want to speak to my daughter?
<Jeedo> Yes Mrs.Miller.. :-/

<Pax> I wish my lawn was emo, so it would cut itself.

<Th3No0b>> Im going to be the next hitler
<Th3No0b> Im going to kill all the jews and 1 clown
<RageAgainsttheAmish> why the clown
<Th3No0b> See? no one cares about the jews
<RageAgainsttheAmish> lmao

And if you have spent too much time in chatrooms like myself, this one will resonate with you (relax, it's not from one of the rooms I'm ever in).

Just hit the links at the top middle/right of the page to get to some lists of quotes and proceed to kill way too much time laughing your ass off.

As I've pointed out before I'm not a big fan of big tits, and furthermore loathe fakes, but at least they can serve some practical purpose.

Borat. Also, depending on what you consider "fun," some fun facts.

If you have never seen Da Ali G Show, I would highly recommend checking it out.

I saw this yesterday, and I've gotta say, that is one of the dumbest fucking things I've seen in awhile. What, no one else can Bash Bush, that's the Democrats' job? Especially since, you know, they do such a solid fucking job of ripping on Bush as it is. Yeah, nice try attempting to be all cool and shit, Democrats. I'll see you on the other side of November.

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, D-California, was blunt in her criticism of the Venezuelan leader. "He is an everyday thug," she said.

You're stupid, Nancy. And Hugo Chavez is a retard. There is no point at all in responding to anything he says.

"If there's any criticism of President Bush, it should be restricted to Americans, whether they voted for him or not," Rangel said at a Washington news conference.

That's also fucking stupid. It's not like what Bush does effects anyone besides Americans, after all. The only thing that's lame enough to trump American stupidity is American pompousness.

Please tell me I didn't just read this

It's been a very long time since I've linked a story from MDN's WaiWai pages. Longtime readers know that I became desensitized to much of Japan's fucked-upedness many moons ago, partly through repeated exposure, and partly through the personal adoption of certain issues. That whole Japanese schoolgirl thing has pretty much turned into my version of crack addiction.

I have various thoughts on Japan running through my head, and maybe I'll get to those at some point soon. Until then, there's this. I... I don't even know what to say about that, but I'll try.

"Air sex was originally invented by guys who couldn't get girlfriends, but desperately want to have sex."

In the rest of the world, guys like us found a (non-ideal) solution to that quandary -- we call it masturbation. I never really thought about this, but now I wonder: do Japanese guys know how to beat off? I mean, it's wholly possible. This is a technologically advanced country, the second largest economy in the world, a nation that seems to be fond of adopting things from other cultures (particularly American, if you can call what we have "culture"). As yet, they can't get on board with simple things like orthodontics. So if they don't know how to pound the pud, I would not be surprised at this point.

"I've seen guys who put on air sex shows that clearly display they're still virgins. I've also seen other guys perform such incredibly authentic fake fellatio that nobody has been left in any doubt that they could only be bisexual. Let me reiterate: Air sex can be dangerous."

Abunai!* Yeah, that's so incredibly dangerous. Aside from the hits to ego or potential embarrassment, how is that dangerous? I was waiting for a story about someone getting seriously injured, and I was left hanging.

Japan's reigning air sex world champion is a fella who goes by the name of Cobra.

For the rest of the article, all I could think of was G.I. Joe. Coooooooo-braaaaaaa!!!! Coooooooo-braaaaaaa!!!!

You can't care about what women watching your performance are thinking about you.

That goes without saying. If you think what women must be thinking, you're going to kill yourself.

Air sexpert Sugisaku agrees.

The fact that anybody alive can call themselves an "air sex expert" is just a sad referendum on everything. Wait, I just re-read that -- it says "air sexpert." Yeah, I know, this is all translated and shit, but still.

* Oh look at me, I'm so fucking clever busting out one of the three words I know in Japanese. And it's even romanized, because I'm fucking harsh like that.

It's been awhile, so time for another load.

effective ways to mastubate

Are there that many sites out there dedicated to ineffective masturbation which would force you to add that qualifier?

is a prostitute cheating

Here, why don't you go fuck a prostitute, then let your significant other know about it and he or she will give you the answer. Jesus Christ. Even Clinton knows what the answer to this is. Depending on the meaning of yeah yeah you got it.

girls who fuck corpses

You've seen Clerks, so you know it's possible. I just don't see a lot of girls getting into this, though. Or, I suppose, getting this into them. Sure, he's very stiff and can probably last awhile. But he's cold and unemotional. He won't wanna cuddle or talk afterwards. He fell asleep before you even started fucking. And he's definitely not gonna call you the next day. Really, for a lot of guys out there, this sounds like a perfect relationship. So my advice to guys: fucking kill yourself.

i want to fuck princess diana

Dude. Either you have been asleep for about nine years, or you have various other issues.

lolicon island

Holy crap. If we can get a racetrack built there then this is the best idea ever. Yes, even better than Hemp Island.

flexible enough to put your dick in your own butt

Some of you people may forget the level of crap I have to go through when looking through my referral logs, and if you have, this should remind you. How exactly was this person envisioning pulling off this feat? I can't imagine how you could even think it's possible to bend forward in such a way that a hard penis could end up in your ass. A long enough flaccid one, maybe, but where's the point in that? Or did they envision being able to, like, split yourself in two and rotate the upper half of your body around, like a flip-top head only not? God, this is so fucking stupid.

yuna should be shot

This is already one of my all-time favorite search hits, and I'm not saying that sarcastically. I get so many goddamn hits for Yuna naked, or Yuna's wedding dress, or some stupid shit about Tidus and Yuna, but finally I got a Yuna-related hit that made me laugh.

does doggy style cause constipation?

This is another one that had me laughing out loud, for reasons opposite of the previous search hit. The worst part about this is that curiosity got the best of me and I went and clicked on the Google link, so considering Google's data retention policies and the fact that I hadn't cleared cookies prior to that, I know that one's gonna come back to haunt me someday.

fucked a can of "creamed corn"

Another one where I really don't think that I need to bother making any jokes on my own.

WOMAN fucking with sushi

That's way too much raw fish for even myself to handle.

When I saw a comic called Shortpacked! linked over at Jared's, I was thinking it had to be a comic about toys, and sure enough, it is (in addition to comics and other nerdy shit).

The best part is that it's gotta be written by someone close in age to me. Only someone from my generation would be making a comic referencing certain toy lines from back in the day.

Okay, you need to check out the video in this post of ETP's, which he lifted from Jared, who got it someplace else.

How brilliant is that? I mean, Richard Hawk? And, you know, everything else? I've gotta get ahold of a copy of that game. Since it appears it was only released in Japan, looks like I'm gonna have to go some sort of mod chip route to play it, assuming I can find the game itself, which so far I have had zero success with.

Alright, so I got an iPod a few months back. I've gotta say, these fuckin' things are not worth what people pay for them. Complaints:

The controls on it are total shit. The goddamn click wheel is way too sensitive, and the sensitivity isn't adjustable.

The backlight brightness rivals that light at the top of NERV Headquarters. You can change the timing of it, you can shut it off, but no, no reason why you should be able to control the fucker's brightness. With backlights being the inefficient powerhogs that they are, I usually end up just keeping mine turned off all the time to save battery life. I also saw recently that Apple is making the screen brighter in the next gen iPod for no apparent reason. Thanks, Steve.

The "shuffle songs" (randomize) should be under the "music" menu, not the root menu.

It's lame that it does all of your organizing for you via ID3 tags and gives you no other control on how music gets organized.

Trying to fast forwarding more than a couple tracks at once makes the damn thing look like it's locked up on you, but nope, it's still recording every click of the button and will move things forward once it gets it's shit in gear. And there are undoubtedly other little issues I could go on about that aren't coming to mind at the moment.

That's just the device itself, though, and then there's iTunes, which is also a piece of shit. I fired up iTunes once to make sure that the software initialized the Pod correctly. As I started it up, it asks me if I wants to let it search for music. I'm like, fuck it, do what you gotta do. It implied it would only search for music, and I seem to recall just under the "My Music" folder as well. But no, it proceeds to find every MP3 on my hard drive and start dumping it to the iPod. Hey, fuck you! Don't do shit without me telling you! Some retards may like this automation (shit, tons of them must for the iPod to be so undeservedly popular), but I'm a goddamn engineer and I want to do it myself. I believe I saw somewhere that you can change things so that it doesn't automatically update the device, but even still, automatic updating being the default is lame.

That was the only time I used iTunes, and I'm not planning to use it ever again. No, I don't give a shit about their stupid store. Since that first unpleasant experience I have used gtkpod under Linux. It's not a stellar interface, but it's not bad, either.

The latest iPod insult can be found here. I would so fucking buy one of those for my iPod, but it's only available for the Nano. I have the 30GB video iPod. Assholes.

Despite the dumb-ass name and bullshit posturing on their web page, I may have to get one of these cases instead. I found out about these ones in an article which included the iKitty, and they had this to say about the YoTank case:

YoTank introduces a new line of military-grade digital audio player cases that can withstand Â?a RPG or mortar shell explosion 85 percent of the time.Â? Cases are machined from solid blocks of aluminum and fit the iPod Nano/Video/Mini or Creative Zen Vision:M players.

I don't know where they're getting that from, but if that's the case, hell yeah, I need one.

So at this point you're like "Ha ha, you stupid asshole. You bought the iPod just because you're a goddamn snob and you wanted to feel cooler than everyone else." Ah, but the astute reader will have realized something's the matter. A few months back, when I got mine, the 60GB iPod was the top of the line. I always go as top-shelf as I can. As yet, I only got the 30GB model. What up with that? Oh, well, I got it for free, so ha ha if you've been lusting after one.

Alright, so I've bitched publicly about it, and I've made fun of all the Pod-less plebians who are going without. Now the goddamn thing is gonna break down on me for sure. Because even with as much as it pisses me off, shit, I'll take it. I wouldn't pay no $300 for it because it isn't worth $300, but at $0 the price is right. And if I did have to say one good thing about it, it's the fact that even at the 30GB level, that's still a lot of fucking space. I just rip entire CDs and throw them on there, not caring about how much space I'm wasting because I have a fuckton of it. The drive capacity alone almost makes up for all it's annoyances, and certainly makes it worth the $0 price tag.

There are so many jokes (many of them already well-played out) waiting to bust out of this that it's difficult to know where to begin.