So, is this gonna become a new trend (if it isn't already; I live under a rock)? I hope not. Us guys all love to see girls fighting but that's not what we're talking about.

I guess it shouldn't really be a surprise to see this kind of stuff, though. While we expect this kind of cretinism out of guys we all know that girls are the truly vicious ones. Combine the internet plus the stupidity of youth plus the fact that all girls and women hate each other and here's the end result.

Never fully understood why all women hate one other, I just know it's true. At some point or other if you know a girl she will inevitably say this: "I have more guy friends than girl friends." Now of course that isn't necessarily indicative of hatred but I think it's a clue. Is it some sort of competition thing? Really though in the end what is there to compete for? Guys? I suppose that makes some evolutionary sense but trust me ladies we're not worth it. And don't worry I'm not forgetting lesbians; they're obviously a different case since they are wired differently, ERRR, have made alternative lifestyle choices (speaking of cretinism...).

Hey, you know, that actually brings me to a decent conclusion to this post. For myriad reasons I am probably of zero credibility to be giving this advice but I'm going for it anyway. Note to young girls: please stop beating the hell out of schoolmates just to be bitches and post it on the internet. If you want to do something interesting and post it on the 'net to get a bunch of attention, might I suggest lesbianism instead?

So I'm reading this earlier, and I'm like, man, that's messed up. There is just no excuse for people living like that in this day and age. Of course that's just appalling to me, but like any good citizen it's not like I'm gonna do anything about it. Although I'd think now those people might end up being some of the lucky ones -- they got on CNN and there's a decent chance that someone will throw some help their way. There are plenty more people like that out there who will never show up on CNN's front page and will continue to be forgotten. Which fits well with the rest of this post...

Immediately after reading that story, I read this.

"I just thought, 'If I go to another paint-a-ceramic-bowl or stuff-a-bear party, I'll shoot myself,'" says Kaster.

Please do.

Seriously, what the fuck does a three-year-old need with a birthday party and a goddamn fondue restaurant?

"We really promote a healthy balance of living year round"

Somehow I doubt that.

"but it's OK to indulge your child once a year, because it's about making a memory."

You know I could be wrong, but I could swear I learned somewhere that kids don't really start to remember shit until they're like five.

"I didn't think all 16 would come, but they did, and it was $15 a person," she said. Add in the cake, favors, pizza and soda, and Forstrom spent over $1,000.

"After we got the bill I was like, 'Oh my God!' It was more expensive than fixing the dog's broken leg.

I don't know why, but I just find it hilarious that the dog's broken leg is the first thing this woman thinks of when making a price comparison.

This year, Kaster decided to try a slightly simpler approach. For Sophie's party, she booked a small theater that does plays for children, hand-decorated a sheet cake from the supermarket, and got inexpensive favors from a discount store. The whole event cost less than $500."

Okay lady, you got it together and backed off, I guess I'll rescind my suggestion to shoot yourself.

Look, I can understand how parents could easily get out of control with this stuff. If I had kids, and the money, I'd spoil them rotten. I'd do egregiously excessive stuff like this if I had the means. And if I would do it, you know what that means for anyone who actually does? EPIC FAIL.

Okay so apparently this blog has become nothing more than a vehicle to announce to 30 or some odd pedos who show up here via Google each day new webcomics I've discovered. I guess that is a step up from usual topics, though.

Anyway, the new discovery is Treading Ground. There are only like 70 comics or so, and the guy's been doing the comic since like '03, and reading his news posts he's really not into the comic, so no telling when or if updates will show up. Fucking figures.

Speaking of those 30 pedos who show up here via Google each day, WTF is up with my traffic numbers? I punted on this blog in February of last year and started things back up in early November. Take a look at the trend. Hmmm, what exactly is the world telling me? Man fuck this place.

While we're on the subject, I don't suppose one of you 30 pedos knows how to draw, do you? I've had a webcomic idea rolling around in my head for like at least four if not five years but I've never really gone anywhere with it 'cause I'm just too lazy to learn to draw. I've been thinking about it lately and doing a bit of work on it but I'm guessing it will go nowhere. While I can't draw I can write like a mother fuck so I need to find a Gabe to my Tycho. If I could just find someone who can draw cute female characters I'd be set. I would think at least one pedo out there could handle this if they weren't busy handling other shit.

On an upcoming Larry King Live:

On World Autism Day, the controversy over vaccines heats up! Do they contribute to autism, or is there a greater risk going without? Actress and mother of an autistic child, Jenny McCarthy, debates the issue with medical professionals.

Quite possibly the stupidest and most irritating thing I've ever read.

You know, Jenny McCarthy was the first fantasy woman I really had the hots for. Back in the day I spent a lot of time with the October '93 issue of Playboy and Christ only knows how much seed I spilled in vain over her, but that does not qualify her to be debating with, well, anyone.

Then again though all that doctoring shit really is just guesswork in a white coat so maybe it's about even since I'm not beating off to The Journal of the American Medical Association.

For once this has nothing to do with schoolgirls

Man, just when I thought the Japanese couldn't get any weirder.

If you're Eliot Spitzer, this is probably about the last thing you want to get fingered for. I've no qualms with prostitution, and I'm the last one who has any standing to be cirticizing others for being into kinky sex (and by kinky I'm sure it was of course pretty lame), but if you're that guy you just can't fuck up like that. Seriously, that's gotta be, like, the funniest thing ever. This week. Okay, the week is young, we'll say funniest thing this month.

You mean to tell me that this wasn't already illegal?

Several years ago I saw a book on the shelf entitled Brett Favre: Huck Finn Grows Up. For some reason though, perhaps because Brett Favre is a dooshebag, at first glance I read the title as Brett Favre: Fuck Him.

At the time though I had more of a hatred for Favre just because of this kid we knew back in middle and high school who was a huge Packers fan and also a dooshebag. I'm more OK with Favre these days, especially after he nearly saved my fantasy season this past year. Hey wait... Nearly. Nevermind what I just said. Brett Favre. Fucking d-bag.

Also, will someone please tell Brett Favre that there's no crying in football:

Another audio post, ranting about Star Trek (4.3MB).

Blast from the past

All hail the return of audio posts (1.8MB).

3.14159265359

While we're being inappropriate I thought I'd share another little tidbit with you. Don't worry, this one isn't something from some dark corner of my mind. Well mostly.

So I get this catalog of porn movies in the mail the other day, right? Well one of the movies -- or really, a series of movies -- was based on the theme of the "internal cumshot," AKA creampies AKA "the guy ejaculates and he doesn't wear a condom and he doesn't pull out and blow his load somewhere on the girl." Personally I never understood the need for visual ID that the guy did indeed orgasm but that's another discussion. And of course no way I could see why porn actresses wouldn't want guys doing that inside them all day either.

Anyway back to the title of this movie series I mentioned? Internal Cumbustion. That might be the awesomest porn title ever. Or at least that I've seen in awhile. I could say that being a person responsible for coming up with porn movie titles is one of the best jobs possible and you could argue with me but you'd be wrong. Seriously, how awesome would it be for your whole job to be cheap puns and innuendo and get paid for it?

While we're on the subject if you know of any good creampie sites please let me know. I have been unable to find one that defines me as a person. In other words, one with enough decent looking girls to justify signing up. Which maybe shouldn't be too much of a surprise.

So I don't bother with The New York Times anymore ever since they went to a paid subscription for their op-ed page. I know like the paper's totally gone down hill and about to completely tank without my readership but it had to be done. Anyway they dropped that subscription nonsense and went back to all free but I just can't go back to being a regular reader. I just know that if I start reading Maureen Dowd's columns again I'll end up pissed at her like most other liberals out there, and I want to remember how it was between Maureen and I back in the good ol' days.

Anyway I did wander by today and on the front page this question was being asked:

What do you think is an appropriate way for children to learn about AIDS?

By giving it to them. That's... Probably not good when that joke is the first thing that comes to my mind.

I don't think I've ever wanted to kill more than after watching this. I don't know what's more infuriating -- the story itself or that someone deemed it "news." Yes I know it's CNN and they suck and it's my own fault and blah blah blah.

Okay so as usual maybe I'm being unfair and jumping to conclusions that they weren't discriminated against for the reason they claim and instead assuming, I dunno, that they were "discriminated" against for being obnoxious cunts. But let's give them the benefit of the doubt. After all, no one else looked like them on the plane... Except them!

Even if their gripes are legit, that is still the fucking lamest bloody reason to complain about being discriminated against. Get back to me when you face some real discrimination! Other people out there face discrimination too but they usually can't parlay that into free drinks and no cover.

Boo freaking hoo.

The news isn't all bad though: what the fuck is that growing on the brunette's chin?

I'm not certain if this is an endorsement or not

So when I first saw that Nader is in... Again... I was like, dude, what are you doing?

No, not because I blame him for the outcome of the 2000 election. Sure, when you look at the numbers, if Nader hadn't been in the race Gore probably would have won. But I still don't blame Nader. Shit, ultimately I don't even blame those d-bags on the Supreme Court. You know who I do blame for 2000? Gore. Let's look a what Gore had going for him:

1. Pretty smart and pretty well respected
2. A part of the Clinton Administration, which was fairly popular and left the country with eight years of no wars and a healthy economy
3. An opponent who was a complete retard

The 2000 election never should have been close to begin with. Anyone who can fuck up with that set-up doesn't deserve to be president. Unfortunately someone even less deserving won.

So yeah, when I saw Nader getting into the mix I wasn't pissed because of that. My first thoughts were, why are you wasting every one's time with this? You're not helping matters and I don't think you're really making a statement other than "I want to be President." Stop that.

But then I got a load of some of his rhetoric:

In an interview with CNN on Monday, Nader accused Illinois Sen. Barack Obama of name-calling and challenged him to "address the issues."

"Above all, explain why you don't come down hard on the economic crimes against minorities in city ghettos: payday loans, predatory lending, rent-to-own rackets, landlord abuses, lead contamination, asbestos," Nader said.

"There's an unseemly silence by you, Barack -- a community organizer in poor areas in Chicago many years ago -- on this issue," he said.

Oh, hell yeah. FUCK YOU Barack Obama! And I quote Nicholas Cage from The Rock: How do you like how that shit works?

Nader called Sen. Hillary Clinton the Democrat "most loved by big business," referencing a Fortune magazine article from last year.

Suck on that bitch! Ralph Nader is here now and he isn't taking any of your shit.

"The Democrats ought to look themselves in the mirror and ask themselves why they have not been able to landslide the worst Republican Party and the White House and Congress over the last 20 years," he said.

Yes. I agree with that statement. Democrats: stop your fucking whining. It is not Nader's fault that you are unable to get your shit together. Ralph Nader and I don't want to keep hearing this garbage from you.

Ralph Nader just got on the scene and he's already firing on all cylinders. Look out, 'cause the man is unsafe at any speed!

And yet another awesome comic discovery: Jesus and Mo. Link stolen from Sarah, longtime friend of the program. A sampling of a couple really good ones can be found at her post here.

Matt Damon is one of the coolest people out there. In case you need more evidence, there's this.

No I have not gone into the furniture business

How exactly do you fuck up like this? How do you not know? I don't care how poorly read you are, I don't care how out of touch with pretty much everything you are, everyone knows that when you hear "Lolita" it's probably not good. Well, it's good, but, well... Exactly.

18-1

So yeah that's pretty funny. I wasn't all that worked up over the game to begin with -- I've never understood why the Super Bowl is such a big deal if you don't normally root for either of the teams playing. I mean it's like a religious holiday for lots of guys, only more important. I guess it's an excuse to party and get drunk, but seriously, why do we ever need excuses for that?

Anyway this was one of those games where I could come up with reasons to root against both teams. Like most of the rest of the country I'm sick of Boston, and New York is, well, New York. In the end I was pulling for the Giants because as it turns out I'm more sick of Boston in general and the Patriots in specific than I am of New York overall. The OCD in me would have gotten some satisfaction had the Patriots pulled it out just because of the perfect record, plus I think we're all pretty tired of hearing about the '72 Dolphins. So either way it would have gone I would have been like, meh.

I suppose it was pretty cool to see Quentin Tarentino win the Super Bowl and get MVP honors so early in his career, especially after it took his older brother so long to finally "win the big one." Speaking of whom, does that guy not have any friends or something? Like why was he sitting alone in a corner nearly every time the cameras went to him in the booth? Cut that meat!

The other reason people get all worked up for the Super Bowl -- the commercials -- weren't too stellar either. Although I'm sure if there were any really good ones I missed them anyway. The one with Carville and Frist was kinda funny, and I think the best one I saw was the one with Dwayne Wade and Charles Barkley. Gotta love Chuckles.

Okay so who out there has been Rickrolled? I haven't been but for some reason find the concept hilarious. Probably because it's never happened to me. For those unfamiliar, how it works is that someone sends you a link to something that sounds totally awesome and it ends up being a link to this video. I think a typical Rickrolling experience goes something like this.

As a side note, the first time I saw that video I was like, there's no way that that is that kid's voice.

Anyway to get to the main purpose of this post, which is to link to this. That is just so fucking awesome and at the same time sad when you think that there are people out there with so much time on their hands. That doesn't make it less awesome, cause, damn.

There is lots of other stuff I found on YouTube done in Mario Paint Composer but that was by far the best. Oh, and apparently most weren't done in real Mario Paint, but someone made a clone of it that you can download. All that makes me ask though is when are they gonna make a standalone flyswatter game for download? It's probably out there if I would JFGI.

And as one more aside, primarily for ETP, you can find all of the Migraine Boy stuff on YouTube if you haven't already. Not as funny as we made them out to be, but still kinda amusing.

This one's really just for the ultra hard-core nerds out there. Almost a shame that A) He's looking for women and B) I'm not gay (so pissed that I've been told all these years it's a choice and it isn't) because anyone who makes fork() jokes is OK by me.

While we're on the subject of personals that whole eHarmony thing isn't panning out. For those unfamiliar with the service here's how it works:

1. You fill out your personality profile so that they can begin matching you based on 29 different dimensions of compatability.
2. Once you are in the system you can fill out a profile and upload pictures for others to see. In other words, a picture and a paragraph.
3. When you are matched with someone based on 29 different dimensions of compatability you are notified as such.
4. When you are matched with someone based on 29 different dimensions of compatability you can then choose to A) Ignore them B) "Close" the match and notify the other party of your lack of interest or C) Begin communicating.

As you might imagine it's primarily A and B action going on. I have received no incoming C action and anytime I try and initiate communication it is almost always fucking ignored. When someone tries to start communicating with you -- someone who, may I remind you, was matched with you based on 29 different dimensions of compatability -- you can politely close that match if you're not interested. But most of these dumb bitches don't even give you that courtesy! This is pretty much just like real fucking life. Fuck that. eFuckingLame.

Anyway I just don't see why I can't get a girlfriend.

It could be that like most of the fucking girls out there are, apparently, 5'7" and above. Apparently their 29 different dimensions of compatability don't include height. Yeah I know, I make a much bigger deal out the whole short man's syndrome thing than I should, but c'mon. Throw me a fucking bone here.

So it's old news (like three whole days or something) and I don't even have a link but I was kinda disappointed to see Rudy drop puss out of the race so quickly after his poor Florida showing. Not that I did another about-face on Rudy -- the guy still sucked, sandwich or not. When your whole platform is "9/11!" you're not a good candidate; you're George W. Bush.

I wanted Rudy to be at least competitive, though, just to prove that the early states, like Iowa and New Hampshire, really don't matter. I am so fucking sick and tired of fucking Iowa and New Hampshire having a fucking disproportionate amount of say in this fucking process. I know, I know, letting marginal states like that do their thing early makes the candidates care about those states and pay attention to them. So that, you know, once they get elected they can go back to ignoring those states like they would have preferred to be doing all along.

Of course this saga with Rudy just helps to show the opposite of what I was hoping for, and that those early contests do matter even if the states and every single person who lives in them don't. Although momentum might not be everything, it certainly doesn't hurt. If nothing else I think it just comes down to a matter of exposure. You've heard nothing but shit about most of the candidates for the past several weeks, but Giuliani has been all but invisible. In the course of a few short weeks he went from being America's Mayor to Rudy Who?liani (sorry, best I could come up with).

While we're talking candidates, maybe I should get on board with McCain, if for no other reason some of the d-bags who are against him. Sorry for linking something with Ann Coulter's picture in it; seeing her makes my dick go and hide in my spleen, too.

While we're anointing, what kind of scientists would publish a study saying that both exercise and booze are good for you? Only the MOST AWESOME FUCKING SCIENTISTS EVER!

Well OK so pretty awesome at least:

Before you rush off to hit the bar after your workout, keep in mind that your age matters. Alcohol may do you no coronary good until you reach the age at which heart disease becomes an appreciable risk. "You wouldn't advise everyone to drink," says Gronbaek. "You shouldn't even think about doing it until age 45 or 50. There's absolutely no proof of a preventative and protective effect before age 45."

Might want a second opinion on that part.

If they're right about this, though, it turns out that Servo was right.

"Packed with minerals booze really satisfies."
- Tom Servo

This girl is making a strong play for title of Coolest Kid Ever. Seriously, how big of a failure does that make you feel like? Social life aside I'm moderately successful and that even makes me think, damn, I need to get a day planner or something.

Another great comic discovery: Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal. A sampling of some that I enjoyed a great deal, hitting on some of my favorite subjects:

Math
Dorks
Sex offender jokes
DV perp jokes
Superheroes
Jesus
Slasholes (well, that's what first comes to mind for me)
Noam Chomsky
Religious tolerance
Marital strife
Sex ed
Creationism vs. Evolution
Relativity
More creationism
Elegant solutions
Violence
Morons
Confidence

Oh man I totally wish they would send me one of these.