So you know what was kind of a letdown? Perusing the contestants in the upcoming Miss Teen USA pageant. Why is it that girls in these fucking beauty pageants are rarely ever very attractive? Yeah, I know, the beggar is being a chooser here. But goddamnit, if you're going to parade around a bunch of underage poon for a bunch of sad, lonely guys like me, actually, fuck that, just guys in general, to jack off to, at least do it right. I guarantee you that there's at least one girl prettier than the chosen representative from each state who's willing to be put up on the block.

Oh, and don't give me any shit about how I'm a sexist, shallow pig. I already know that. Everyone else is the same fucking way, but at least I'll admit it. And if you even try to say that there's more to these shows than physical beauty then you're getting punched. No one gives a shit about her singing or how she's going to solve world hunger. Get up there, look pretty, shut the fuck up, and sit the hell back down. Next!