So continuing with yesterday's beauty pageant business, I was thinking that I need to start my own pageant. The girls will all be hot and there will be no fucking pretense as to why we're all there. To begin showing that there's a strict "No Bullshit" policy, we're going to call the thing something like "The Objectification of Young Girls Show." Do you think it should be "Sexual Objectification...", or is that pretty much implied?

Anyway, we can work on the name. However it ends up, we'll get the point across that we're there just to ogle some hotties. Furthermore, the hotties will know why they're there, and they'll be OK with that.

How are we going to choose the girls? One from each state? Nah, too rigid. Whoever wants to show up can show up. A handful of friends and I will decide who gets to be in the pageant. And by "handful of friends", that'll probably even include a couple of women, which totally gives this sham some credibility. Maybe I'll even set a height cutoff of like 5'5" or so, just cause I like the petite ones. Hey, my pageant, my rules. Those are the breaks.

So, what about the actual competitions? I think I've already made it pretty clear that there aren't going to be any talent portions or any shit where the girls give us some rehearsed answer to questions that were bullshit anyway. I thought about having a math portion, but no one besides me and maybe a couple of other people would give a shit, so that's out. The idea here is to give the people what they want.

Since all of that is out, I think the whole theme of the show is pretty much going to be parading the girls around in cute and sexy outfits. I think the first phase will be the swimsuit competition, just to get it out of the way. That one's simple and soooo fucking played out, but it's pretty much expected. Not that it's a bad competition, mind you, just overdone. Next maybe we can do a "seasons" theme... Spring wear, summer wear. Ummmm... Those are the only two seasons, right? Anyway, I think after that, we can go into the cheerleading outfit competition. There won't be any cheers performed or any other such nonsense, just them parading around in those cute little skirts and tops. Next I think we'll send them all shopping, and see what kind of outfits they can come up with on their own. They'll be graded on if they can pick out some nice colors, in addition to cute shoes and accessories. Anyone coming back in capri pants or with a skort is automatically disqualified. Once they come back from the shopping run, we'll have the grand finale competition: oh, you guessed it, the schoolgirl outfit competition. Doesn't matter what style or even what country they choose, just so long as it's a school uniform.

So, what does the winner get? I'm thinking not much, really, except a bunch of attention and adoration that she would have gotten anyway. Maybe a nice steak dinner, too. I think her main prize is not being one of the losers. Each of the losers will have to spend a day with me, going out shopping for toys and anime, playing video games, surfing the net, watching DVDs, and doing math problems. No, don't get any ideas, they're not gonna have to sleep with me or anything. I'm not that fucking cruel, and I don't feel like disappointing that many girls anyway. But they still should have to endure one hellish day of putting up with me, because they will be getting plenty of attention from guys they'd actually want to get attention from for the rest of their lives.

Yeah, that'd be fucking sweet. And once it was all done, I could kick it Jon Stewart School, and go home and masturbate into a pool of my own tears.