You know what else I'm fucking sick of? Toy companies bullshitting about release dates. We have been waiting FOR FUCKING EVER for the next wave of retro Care Bears plush to come out. That's right, Mr. Hard Heart himself is pissed because he can't find his Care Bears stuffed animals. It's bad enough that these clever cocksuckers have found a way to get us to buy back our childhoods, but the least they can do is be somewhat prompt about this shit. It's been since like January or something since when these fucking things were supposed to show up. What makes me want to burst in anger is the fucking fact that the ones we've been looking for have been available on eBay since we were scouring the city looking for the first wave. What the bloody fucking shit is up with that? I can't fucking understand how eBay is flooded with them, but I can't fucking find them anywhere. I think PlayAlong Toys figured out that they can make more money selling them through those soulless cocksuckers on eBay, and they're not going to release them to retail channels until that's not profitable anymore. Then I'm seeing something today that they've been delayed until later this month, but I can't quite make out which bears they're fucking talking about, and I'm about to have an aneurism pop.

This is the same fucking shit that the toy companies have been doing to me for like two decades now. This Care Bears nonsense is reminiscent of the nightmare second wave of Playmates' Next Generation figures. This fiasco went down in '94, I think. I made the mistake of reading an article that a whole shitload of new figures were supposed to be out in April. That was like a week or two away. But then I ended up having to wait until like September or some shit until anything new showed up. I actually kept saving fucking money all those months, which is pretty impressive for me. Seriously, I think there's one big toy that I've been waiting for all my life, but I've been waiting for it so long that I've forgotten. In the meantime, all the other shit I buy is just to hold me over until I get the big one. Wait, I think I know what it is - the Gadgetmobile. They showed this thing on the back of Inspector Gadget PVC figures in like 1984 or something, AND IT NEVER SHOWED UP. God, that always pissed me off.

Sorry, but I'm pissed.

Speaking of Gadget, this toy was the fucking best. I had two of these at different times.. I think I broke the first one somehow. I need to find another one of those fuckers MISB.

I realized that I need several billion dollars so that I can start my own toy company. Why billions? Because I'm going to lose a lot of money, like how Microsoft loses $150 on every XBox it sells. Why am I going to lose a lot of money? Because I'm going to get liscences for all the anime and game and TV show toys that either no one cares about or that no one has done justice for. And we're going to make playsets - lots of fucking playsets. I've always loved playsets, for two reasons: they're big and they're expensive. Which, of course, are the two reasons why playsets never sell well. Seriously, let's do a list of some fucking sweet playsets from the past couple decades, some of which I had, some of which I didn't:

1. He Man: Castle Grayskull, or, shit, Skeletor's Castle, with the voice changer thingy.
   
2. Thundercats: They had the Thundercats base, but I don't know if it was cool or not, because the only one I can remember seeing was about a month ago at a comic shop, and it was beat to shit.
   
3. M.A.S.K: Boulder Hill. Hell yeah, Boulder Fucking Hill. This thing is sturdy, too - I remember playing 'Tornado' with it at my grandparents' house one night. What this game consisted of was running up to Boulder Hill and kicking the shit out of it. And I did this over and over again. Not a single thing ended up broken from what I recall.
   
4. Transformers: never really had any playsets, but there were some big-ass robots that were the closest thing to playsets, like Metroplex and Fortress Maximus. Are you not entertained?!
   
5. Go-Bots: I'm the only fucking kid who preferred these to Transformers (no disrespect to the Transformers, which were fucking sweet), and the Go-Bots Command Center was pretty fucking cool. Here's a guy who had the Command Center - you can scroll down his page to read a much funnier description of toys than I'm capable of, and he doesn't even have to use cuss words. I will always be an unpublished hack.
   
6. Ghostbusters: Naturally, I'm talking about the Real Ghostbusters, with Venkman and shit. Their Firehouse playset was fucking bad-ass, complete with an Ecto-Containment Unit.
   
7. GI Joe: There was all sorts of GI Joe shit, and probably a bunch of playsets - the only one I had was the Oil Rig thing that had like 7 million stickers to apply.
   
8. Micro Machines: There was the Tool Box Playset and the Super Van City. The Van was bigger and had some more shit, but it was never as cool as the Tool Box.
   
9. Ninja Turtles: I never got the Sewer Playset, but I do have the Technodrome, which is just beyond everything. And not the shitty little Technodrome vehicle they came out with afterwards, I have the real Technodrome.
   
10. Star Trek: The Next Generation: The Playmates line had the Bridge, which was super fucking sweet, and Engineering. The Engineering playset is cool, but it needs to be bigger. I want the whole main floor so we can get the Pool Table and Master Situation Monitor in there - and it needs to be like three or four stories so that we can get more of the warp core.
    

Okay, that's all I can remember right now. But yeah, we totally need more playsets. If nothing else, I need a playset for my Love Hina figures. I realized that Hinata Inn is really big, so what we'd have to do is make multiple interlocking playsets that come together to form the whole building. Or, at very least places like the living room, all the characters' rooms, and the hot springs. Man, I would so fucking put this thing together, sit there and stare at it for like a half an hour, then slit my wrists, because life would never, ever get better than that.

Okay, maybe making my own playsets isn't such a good idea. No way, fuck that, it'd be great. Because then we could also build a NERV Headquarters Playset, which doubles as a casino/hotel. Whether we make any money or not wouldn't matter, because we would have made the fucking coolest shit ever. And like I said, with a few billion dollars backing me, we could get away with it for awhile, just like MS.

Hey, you never know, it could happen. A friend of mine and I were talking about Star Wars Legos like 10 years ago, and lo and behold, we've got 'em now. But let us not speak of Lego, because they're now dead to me. Long live Lego!