ETP has returned to the land of the 'blogging. Head over and encourage him, because this kid is A) funnier and B) smarter than I am. Ahh, if only he would get off his ass more often and show it.

One thing TB has been coming under fire for is their campaign ads. Which is strange, because it's not like they're full of exploitative bullshit or anything. Well, no more than we're used to from these people. I also found it strange that Maureen Dowd is in this group of the unimpressed.

You know, I could swear that lines mentioning "rule... with an iron fist" and schoolgirls are a reference to Fe. Except for the fact that, you know, Ms. Dowd would never read this piece of shit. And not just because she can't find it.

As promised, some updates over at the ol' Sailor Schoolgirl site. See? Every now and then I manage to deliver on my bullshit promises and declarations. 7%, motherfuckers.

Here's a message I got on my Hotmail account today:

Hi, its Natalie! I don't know if you remember me but awhile ago we chatted on Match.com. We had exchanged a couple emails but then we lost touch. I was cleaning up my contacts and I saw your email address and decided to email you to see how you were..

I do not have a profile anymore, I got bored of the site since no one would keep in touch with me. So just in case you forgot, here is more about me: I'm 5'7", 125lbs, I have long brunette hair and green eyes. Alot of people have told me I have very soft skin. I also have a tattoo of a butterfly on my back and my belly button pierced. I'm very active (I play tennis) and I love to experience new things and meet new people. I strongly believe that intimacy is a very important part of a relationship, along with honesty and trust. But, I want to know someone before I become intimate. I love sex, I just am not into the whole one night stand thing..

Well, I figured something happened which made you stop getting my messages or something, which is why I am trying again. We didn't speak much, but you stuck out to me. So, if you're still interested then we should pick up where we left off, what do you think? Let's get together sometime? Maybe for drinks? I have been working alot lately, so I'm not sure when I will have some free time, but whats your schedule like? Maybe we can work something out..

Write me back soon. Oh, I attached a pic to the email (to better jog your memory), let me know if you get it!


Hope to hear from you soon,
xoxo ~ natalie



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You're probably wondering why I'm sharing this with you. You're probably used to wondering that very thing by now, though. Anyway, it's not to pump myself up and let everyone know what a mad fat chick killer I am. No, we all know that the only way I'm ever going to be considered a lady killer is if I accidentally run one over with my car.

The reason I share this is because this e-mail is total fucking bullshit. How 'bout that Natalie, huh? You know what? I've never fucking talked to anyone named Natalie on Match.com. I've never talked to anyone on Match.com, partly because my profile is lackluster and the picture I once had up is super-lackluster. This e-mail, my friends, is nothing more than spam.

I've ranted about spam before, and how it doesn't piss me off all that much. Mainly because I'm more pissed off at the people who buy things they read about in junk e-mail than the junk e-mailers themselves. This, however, is a class of spam all its own. This kind really does piss me off. It's evil, it's manipulative, and it's just plain wrong.

From what I understand, when someone on Match.com decides to get in touch with you, they can do so but they are not aware of your e-mail address when they do. The scam here is to get you to respond using your e-mail address, which they can then add to lists upon lists which will send more spam your way. Hence the "let me know if you get it" line. Or, at least, that's my guess as to what the scam is.

This is the second time I've gotten one of these e-mails. This one I immediately knew was total bullshit. The first time, though, actually had me going for about five minutes. I remember it pretty clearly, because I did get kinda excited at first. I was like, "Wow, maybe things are finally about to change." But then I thought about it. And thought about it some more. And looked closely at the wording of the e-mail. And I realized it was bullshit. One thing that aided in realizing it was bullshit was when I remembered one simple fact: BLM, no one fucking wants you. Never have, never will.

Oh, actually, I just remembered another potential scam from these type of e-mails. With that first e-mail, I believe it included a link to the supposed potential love interest's homepage. The homepage has a bunch of pictures on it, and at the bottom of the page...

Wait for it...

You find something asking you to sign up (i.e. pay money) so that you can see this girl's nude pictures. Yup, it's all a scam to get you to come sign up for a porno site, cleverly disguised as the homepage of the girl next door.

Speaking of the girl next door, why the hell was there never a girl living next door to me? When I was younger, there was this slut Jenny down the block, but even I have some standards. Oh, and then there was this house that was for sale next to my parents' house for quite some time, and I was oh-so-hoping that a family with a hot daughter would move in. What do I end up getting? A bunch of old, bald Russian guys. Okay, it was actually just one bald guy who I think is of Russian lineage who's not that old along with his family. Somehow, I initially got the impression that it was a bunch of old Russkies, though, and so it stuck. The point being, this family included no hot daughters. That pisses me off.

Fuck, okay, back to the original rant. Like I said, these spams are pretty fucked up. One thing I like is how they always make some kind of mention of sex, just to get you even more excited. They're designed to prey on sad, lonely guys like me. The thing is, I have that whole "no one wants me" thing constantly in my head, and it comes in handy to save myself from stupid bullshit like this. Lots of guys, I would imagine, do end up falling for it. In the end, yes, I know, it's their fault for being stupid, but still. If you're going to try and harvest e-mails or get people to sign up for porn, there are shitty ways of doing it, and then there are truly awful fucked up ways of doing it.

In the end though, you wanna know what pissed me off the most about today's e-mail? The fact that hotmail blocked "her" attached photo. If I'm going to have this stupid bullshit coming into my inbox, the least I can do is get a nice stroke picture out of the deal. Fucking Hotmail.

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Google search:

videos of retards talking

Which reminds me... When do the presidential debates get started?

Yet another victory for free (as in beer) speech.

"They can change the channel. They can change the station. They can turn it off."

This is pretty much the platform I run on with this issue, but apparently Americans are so fucking stupid that they can't change the station. If people had that ability, you would think that not many people would be filing complaints. If they had that ability and were still complaining, that would just be fucking ridiculous. In fact, it just might imply that their lives were empty and meaningless. In the end, they need Big Brother to do the decision making for them.

A bit of an update. Seriously, if you can see that poor guy crying on the front page of CNN, knowing full well that it's because he was just told that he can't marry the person he loves, and not feel bad for the guy while continuing to be against gay marriage, you're an asshole. This coming from the king of all assholes. Oh, but I guess we shouldn't feel bad for him or do anything to rectify the situation affecting him and countless others, because they're clearly all evil. Hopefully with this going to the California Supreme Court, though, some kind of real progress can be made in the end. Like usual, though - the public sucks, fuck hope.

Meanwhile, more homophobic bullshit in Massachusetts.

Feel free to keep him there as long as you need to, fellas. Maybe an extra hundred years or so, just to be on the safe side. It did make me smile, though, that they made sure to mention the "excruciating pain" of pancreatitis.

"Attorney General John Ashcroft was hospitalized this week with pancreatitis. They're not sure how he got it, but they think he may have picked something up wiping his ass with the Bill of Rights."
- Bill Maher

Drugs would be cheaper

Apparently, there's yet another one lurking around out there:

hentai my anti-drug.

I'm sure that conservatives will magically have no issues with these activist judges.

"Order to chaos" my ass. Yeah, because San Fran was going up in flames thanks to this. Maybe it was going up in flamers, but that, in my book, is not a bad thing.

Just when I complain that there's nothing interesting going on, I find a news item on a subject near and dear to my heart: porn.

Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with people? As we know, I'm all for skin flicks and nudie mags, but why are people so impatient that they can't wait until they get home to get off? If nothing else, I'm looking at this as a practical matter. Unless if you have perfect control, there's a decent chance you're going to end up making a mess. Have fun explaining that the next time you take your car in for detailing.

As for those people who are getting all bent out of shape over having to watch someone else's porn, get over it. Why the fuck are you paying so much attention to what's going on in other peoples' cars, anyway? Are you telling your kids "Oh, look honey, hardcore pornography. Pay attention now, because I sure as hell am not going to explain this to you someday."

Yeah, little kids shouldn't be exposed to pornography. As Bill Maher put it, some things are for kids, and some things are not. But if your kids are exposed to porn and you don't know what to do, just do what parents always do in a sticky situation: make somethin' up. Shit, this is how we ended up with things like Santa, the Tooth Fairy, and the stork. Jesus Christ. Hey, there's another one parents made up.

So much for no long-winded political rants...

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Even though I hate flat-fronts...

... This made me laugh.

C'mon, Bush. I've been holding my breath so long on this shit that I'm about to pass out. I think I'll hold it a little bit longer, just to be sure.

"This administration has provided unprecedented cooperation to the 9/11 commission."

Considering the fact that you've don't nothing but hinder, bullshit, and stonewall, any bit of cooperation goes against the precedents you've set. If you get off of absolute terms, though, you guys could be doing a lot more in terms of "cooperation."

"Republicans on the panel had said that while the White House should allow Ms. Rice to testify publicly and place fewer restrictions on the interviews with Mr. Bush and Mr. Cheney, that was not meant to suggest criticism of the White House."

This is indicative of one of the things I hate about the Republicans these days: party loyalty trumps EVERYTHING. God forbid anyone should speak their mind as opposed to just falling along party lines. Of course, I understand why this is; even if you're on their side, the Bush administration will fucking go after you if you so much as hint at disagreement. And if TB doesn't try and take you down, Stephen Moore will.

Here's a guy who probably - probably - has a lower chance of finding himself a girlfriend than me. Er, I guess I should say had a lower chance. Now that he's all cleaned up, I would imagine I'm back at the bottom of the list despite showering daily.

Jesus Christ, ten fucking years. I know it's because I live in an affluent society and all, but I can't imagine ten days, nonetheless ten years.

I don't understand why I keep getting Google searches of this nature:

how to fuck your man right

As long as you're not using teeth and don't have a vagina full of razor blades, you're probably in good shape with whatever you're doing. Shit, you could probably even find guys who would go for the teeth and/or razor blade things.

This is why we shouldn't be relying on schools to teach kids sex ed. Mothers are shirking their responsibilities in teaching their daughters that when it comes to sex and relationships, they're generally in charge and can set the tone of what's right. Play your cards properly, and just touching him in the right spot for a set amount of time will probably take care of things, and you can get on with the rest of your day.

"I'm gonna take a picture of you two so I know not to talk to you again."
- Dave Attel on Insomniac after meeting a couple at a fetish bar; their fetish was having the woman stomp on the guy's balls in high heels because - and get this - the guy enjoyed that

Despite not having bothered with getting a Dish or some other form of cable yet, ETP manages to get a couple of stations over the airwaves, including MTV2. We noticed a message this weekend scrolling across the screen from time to time indicating that Dish Network may be dropping a bunch of Viacom channels. For anyone unaware of this or anyone else wondering what the fuck's going on, there's a Slashdot discussion on the subject.

Since we're talking religion, I may as well commit yet another act of supreme laziness by dredging up this old rant of mine. Yup, I'm kicking it Beastie Boys school and fucking sampling from myself.

Yup, theme(s)

Google search:

catholic is maturbation wrong

Isn't pretty much anything fun considered "wrong" under Catholicism?

This is one of the many reasons why I hate religion, or at least Christianity and oh-so-many others: it actually has humans - you know, the supposedly advanced group of animals - asking the dumbest fucking questions. Stuff that shouldn't be an issue but sadly is.

Finally, I had better post this next naughty link while I have it in mind. I'm pretty sure I haven't posted this one before, even though I've meant to for quite some time now.

This here is a company producing sex toys that are sure to offend the religious right: Divine Interventions. I won't even tell you what their products are; I'll just leave you to have fun on your own.

I don't know what's with all the porn links is today, because it's not like I'm pent up or anything.

I don't know if you've heard of this sex toy before, but you have now: Real Doll. Designed to be as lifelike as possible for something that's inanimate, these things will set you back quite a bit. Hey, I'm lonely, and I like spending money on shit I don't need, but even I am not going to be throwing down cash for one of these. No, not even if you try and put her in some half-assed attempt at a schoolgirl outfit.

Anyway, the following is yet another link stolen from Ooki Ne. Some people have all the luck in their choice in careers, like this guy, who decided to take a Real Doll for a spin.

I still doubt it falls under your company's "acceptable use" policy

Found the following at Fe linker Ookii Ne.com: safe for work porn.

Here's a Google search that fucking made me laugh:

republican t shirts 5xl

I can't remember if I've ever posted the following link or not. If I did, it was probably way back when ETP was literally the only one reading this crap. Anyway, here it is: the CIA homepage for kids. Considering how badly the CIA is fucking shit up (allegedly), maybe it wouldn't hurt them to hire a couple of elementary schoolers to help out.

Quite possibly the most unsettling thing is this. Is anyone else bothered by the fact that blue sentient bears are just wandering the grounds of the CIA? Further bothered by the fact that CIA "security" seems to have no qualms with simply escorting said bears wherever the hell they want to go? Oh, and Marta sounds like a fucking bitch.

Now here is quite possibly something I've never seen: a cap on height. Maybe the tide is finally turning for us short people. But probably not, especially if the first sign of hope is an extra point for getting a government job.

I am the biggest failure... Ever.

As per the usual warning, this is a naughty post with some links you'll probably want to avoid if it can lead to you getting fired/divorced/arrested/asked to leave. And, of course, it will probably only be of interest to the guys, in addition to just anyone who enjoys looking into my dark, sick soul.

Embarrassingly enough, I have this horrible track record when it comes to buying porn on DVD. You see, I've wasted a good deal of the last eight or nine years downloading shit online, but that's mostly pictures as opposed to video. About the only time I got it right in the video regime was when I signed up for a membership to CD Girls several years ago. If you're a fan of women playing with themselves, this is the place for you. I don't know if I was able to get one of those 3-day trials or if I had to pay for an entire month, but either way, it was worth it with all the CDs I filled up with tons and tons of videos.

When it comes to buying pr0n on DVD, I always fuck it up. Sometimes, the fuck up is more or less intended, like with The Erotic Witch Project. This purchase was made mostly on humor principle, plus it starred Katie Keane (or whatever the fuck name she was going by in the video), who I was all too familiar with from ALS Scan. I thought it might be interesting to see Ms. Keane doing work where she wasn't shoving large cumbersome objects into her pussy.

Beyond all that, there's my supremely awful collection of Playboy videos. Just the softest, weakest shit you're going to find. Sure, most of the models are hot, but that's no excuse. The videos are much like the magazine, but with shitty music added.

This tradition of not buying good porn on DVD continues with my latest Income Rapers purchase. I hadn't bought any DVDs from them as of yet, but decided to finally take the plunge. I came across Shoujo Mirukuru, starring one of my personal favorites, Hagiwara Mai, which happened to be region-free to boot. I think the main reason for deciding to go with this video over some of her others was pretty obvious, and not like I even need to point it out, but it was because of that sailor uniform on the cover.

Supposedly her first "erotic idol" DVD, I pretty much went into this knowing that it was, once again, more softcore stuff, but that was fine as long as I got to see her in some cute outfits, and, more importantly, the outfit. I'm not fully sure what the deal was, but I think many of the segments were shot as part of magazine photoshoots that Mai-chii has done. There was mention of a couple of magazines, such as Bejean, that I'm familiar with. I can't say for sure, though, since I understand very little of the incoherent babbling that they call a language.

If you're a fan of an ultra-cute girl posing amateurishly and awkwardly in different costumes while occasionally, again awkwardly, beginning to bounce up and down or gyrate her hips rhythmically in scenes that seem to have been purposely ended right when it might get good, then this disc is for you. If you're looking for hard-core fucking, production values, or something you'll watch over and over again, this probably isn't for you.

You know what the worst part of it is, though? Remember that cover with her in the sailor uniform? Well, beyond the background image for the main menu, Mai-chii doesn't appear in a single fucking scene wearing sailor kit. There's one scene with a plaid skirt and loose socks, which is nice, but I wanted a fucking sailor uniform. Just one scene. That's all I ask. I figured being, you know, Japan, those assholes could hook me up. Nope.

I would almost joke that maybe Playboy needs to come in and teach Bauhaus, the makers of this DVD, a thing or two, but we all know that if Playboy people showed up, they would just take Mai-chii and pump her up with double-D implants while dying her hair platinum blonde. I've had just about enough of that shit.

About the only thing this DVD has going for it is the star herself, who is so fucking cute that you just can't help but get drawn in despite the almost total disappointment you've just gotten yourself involved in. She is just so bloody hot that you don't find yourself swelling with that stupid macho "makes you glad to be a man" bullshit. It, instead, makes you pissed off to have been born as such. The whole time I'm watching, all I can hear is the voice of Dane Cook: "I WANT that! Why not me?!"

I wouldn't say that this is the worst purchase I've ever made (Independence Day playset). If nothing else, I've learned a couple of things:

1. Don't trust the front cover
2. Don't trust the J-List people when they hype up a DVD and call it, among other things, "well made"

Just like with past porn purchases, this now has me gun shy for buying anything in the future. Considering what these DVDs cost over at J-List, this is probably a good thing. I should have just gotten a subscription to Hustler instead. Actually, I probably should have gotten this instead. Sure, the stars don't look all that hot, but lesbian action in seifuku more than compensates, doesn't it? At this point, I wouldn't be willing to place a wager on that assumption.

Let's recap:

Wood: Intermittent
Orgasm induced: N/A; even if I enjoyed this as much as I thought I might, it's irrelevant because I finished watching this at 5 A.M. and was too bloody tired to even jerk off
Overall grade: no sailor uniform

NEVERMIND!!!

So here's an, um, interesting link. I found it at a 'blog that I'm not even going to bother linking, because it looked lame. Anyway, here's the link: an emoticon taking a wicked shit.

No, I am not supporting Bush's cuts; it's a joke

Netster search:

how to fuck a man

Interesting question seeing as how it's tax season.

Despite the busy work week, apparently managing to still 'blog my ass of the past few days has paid dividends, with yet another 'blogger kind enough to link me: Sex and Poetry. This Blogmaster even put me in a links section with the likes of Michael Moore, Molly Ivins, and Mark Fiore. That's pretty neat.

But you know, I'm beginning to worry that people out there are starting to peg me as left-of-center.