You'd think that the Miss Teen USA pageant would be a total whack-fest for me, but it isn't. I don't even follow or watch this shit, but still manage to hear about it in one way or another. Apparently, bitching about this pageant is becoming a yearly tradition. This year's crop was less than stellar once again. Yeah, there were some who were okay and a couple that were genuinely hot, that's about it. Like John Kerry says: America can do better. Except that we can't, because we're stupid.

What the fuck is up with this? Is it just some kind of bullshit guilt complex? The people in charge of this shit must have had a meeting where someone said "Ummm, ah, you know, maybe we shouldn't be putting teenage girls on display in bathing suits and stuff, so, uhhhhh, we can make up for it by putting up mostly unattractive ones."

Of course, that doesn't excuse all the other pageants out there that never get it right, not just the Underage Poon Pageant. I'm not saying that I wouldn't have sex with a lot of the contestants in these pageants since, frankly, I am not in a position where it's practical to be all that choosy (that doesn't mean I have no standards, mind you, EE or not). Still, it's not like many of them are what we'd call top-tier, at least in the superficiality department. When it comes to non-superficialities, though, they're all winners - I know that each and every one is really smart.

If by some miracle there are a few hotties in any of these contests, they're pretty much guaranteed not to win. I know, I know, this is all coming down to my personal tastes and preferences, but fuck that: I have good, nay, the best, taste in everything.

Things are so bad that when it comes to U.S. pageants I had to come up with my own scheme for picking a winner: give it to Miss New Jersey. Even if she's not the hottest or even hot to begin with (although MNJ from Miss America a couple of years ago was very hot; naturally she didn't win), just give it to her since everyone from New Jersey hates themselves, their lives, and their state, and they deserve to have at least one thing go right for them in their miserable existences. Except for that chick from That 70's Show, because she fucking loves her home state for some reason.

But yeah, none of the women/girls in these shows are ever all that hot. Damn near all of them are too fucking tall, goddammit. And for Chirst's sake, give them some fucking food. Of course, I came up with ideas upon ideas for better contests, and I'll be getting to those real soon now (RSN).

Yes, of course, these pageants are sexist and shallow and blah blah blah. We're a shallow society, and we all like looking at pretty people, men and women alike. When we're going to go shallow - as we so often do - we should at least get it right. I know what you're saying: "But these pageants are evil! They make ugly people feel bad about themselves!" When it comes to that, all I can say is to just to what I do: get used to it. And besides, some of you out there may very well be attractive, so shut the fuck up!

"The Garden State? Yeah, sure. If you're growing smokestacks yes."
- Carlin