Ahhhh hell, Chewbacca... Go fix the damn Hyper Drive or uggggh, Jesus.

That doesn't really work in print, but oh well.

Google search:

was silvia saint in cast of king kong

Not according to IMDB, she wasn't. But if she had been, then those jokes about gettin' it on with the gorilla wouldn't have been jokes. And really, that would have made it such a better movie. Well, different.

At least you could leave once that happened, no matter how much film was left, because at that point you will have seen everything that life has to offer. "Okay, I've seen a famous porn actress take it up the ass from a giant gorilla in a major Hollywood motion picture. I'm out."

And, oh yes, it'd be backdoor action for Miss Sylvia. She's the only one out there who could -- and would -- comfortably go back door with Kong.

Get Your Enr On

Yes, that title was blatantly ripped from GYWO, but it's really the best title for this post.

I know now why the Enron guys, and all those others who were accused of doing ill shit and destroying records of it, did what they did. No, it wasn't for the money, stupid. You think you understand these guys, but you don't. I do.

What happened was someone in the office got a paper shredder. Prior to this acquisition, they were living in the stone age of hand-shredding or burning shit that needed to be discarded. But no more, because now they had technology. Once they got their hands on it and tried it out, they were like "Holy shit! That's bad ass!" Then they showed a co-worker, and they had much the same response. Things escalated until everyone in the office was trying it out, totally in awe of this wondrous machine. In the beginning, they were just shredding random shit that wasn't important. But like anything, that shit can get out of hand. And it did, because before they knew it, they had shredded important company documents.

What were they to do? It wasn't done on purpose. I mean, why would they do that on purpose? Every big company, and lo, many little companies, are constantly doing illegal, unethical shit. Everyone knows this, so it's not like there's any reason to cover it up. And what are they gonna do? Admit that they accidentally destroyed important documents? Their other big company friends would be laughing at them!

I've been meaning to get myself a shredder for the longest time. No, I don't have a bunch of nefarious shit that I need to cover up. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm paranoid, so paranoid that I don't even like throwing out shit like junk mail because it has my name or some other info that They are after. So I've got always got piles of this shit just laying around, and I'm too lazy to destroy it by hand.

Of course, I still haven't gotten myself a shredder, but thank Christ for Plan B: let someone else do it. When all else fails, pass the buck. I got one as an XMas gift, and damn if it isn't the coolest thing ever. It's a decently nice one that shreds confetti-style, and has all sorts of hardcore gangsta features. It can shred credit cards with ease. If you left staples or paperclips in what you're shredding, no problem. It'll handle it and amuse you greatly at the same time, because you are a simpleton.

Within about a half an hour of breaking this bad boy out of it's box, I had the bin full. It's a pretty big bin, and I was opening it from time to time and packing the shreddings down. If you're going balls out with your shredding, as I was, the thing starts to get kinda warm. When that happens a little light comes on to tell you so, and it won't let you shred any more until it cools down. That's pretty much the only reason I'm posting right now instead of shredding. In fact, I'm gonna go see if it's cooled off so that I can shred some more shit.

Spam:

Sandra experimenting with two guys for her first gangbang.

Is the economy really that shitty that two guys qualifies as a gangbang now? Or maybe I'm just not savvy to the ways of the gangbang, and you start out with just a couple of cocks to keep from overloading yourself.

Back when I was in high school, I had some problems. I mean, some other problems besides the ones I have today. I was very, very obsessive about grades. For my first two years, I had a 4.0, and I was a fucking nutcase about keeping that up. There was one time that my English teacher gave me, I believe, a B+ on a paper. Not for the semester, just one paper. And I was not happy. I spent all of 7th hour one day bugging the living shit out of him to give me at least the A-. He didn't raise my grade, and probably rightfully so. He probably also should have given me a beatdown, but he didn't. ETP and I used to shoot staples at him during class. I know it's not apparent from this post, but that teacher is one of the fucking coolest guys ever.

Anyway, despite how fucked up I was, I was never this fucked up. I mean, okay, I'd bitch and moan, but fucking stab someone? Dude.

"There's two sides to every story."

Umm, well, yeah. But the fact is, one person came out of this with a stab wound to the neck. It didn't get there on accident.

"She went the extra nine yards when it came to her students."

What the fuck does that even mean? Nine yards won't even get you a first. Unless if it's nine yards beyond the marker, but that's not even a very big deal unless it gets you a touchdown or at least bumps you into field goal range.

Yahoo search:

how to fuck girl butt and ass same time

I have gotten some really stupid fuckheads coming here via search engines. You don't even know the scope of it unless you track my site hits as much as I do, which hopefully you don't because it's sad enough for me but what does that say about you. Anyway, if you don't know that "butt" and "ass" refer to the same thing, then you are right up there in terms of need for committing suicide.

I had forgotten just how brilliant this Onion article was. Also, speaking of brilliance, I need to link the latest Penny Arcade just for posterity's sake. Tycho's associated rant on Wikipedia is pretty good as well.

Naomi Watts is pretty

I fucking hate Peter Jackson, that fat sweaty mongoloid. As per usual, we've been over this before, but shit like this bears repeating. You know exactly what Jackson thinks of himself and his moviemaking ability just based on how fucking long his films are. He also thinks that if a film is three hours long, it's automatically epic and important.

So I obviously saw King Kong just recently. As per usual, this is more a bunch of general musings and a loose synopsis. I don't really give away any major plot points, unless if you count giving away the end. But if you don't know how this movie ends already, you don't know anything. Anyway, you've been warned. If you're a weenie (like me) who doesn't like anything being given away in advance lest it be totally ruined, just revisit this after you've seen the movie if you were really planning to.

As a prelude to this, I have not seen the original film (although I know some of the very basic elements of it), so as I was watching the movie I didn't know how well Jackson's version followed the original. Just so you don't think you're clever, I learned after watching the movie what the original was like and hence that a lot of these comments aren't quite valid; most of what follows are the thoughts I had as I was watching the film. You can't get it any more raw than this unless if you were there with me, and you weren't.

One thing I kept thinking was that Jackson couldn't make up his mind as to what film he wanted to do. Not that this is an excuse for it's length; he would have made it long no matter what. But you know how Hot Shots billed itself as "the mother of all movies" because it ripped on so many things? Well, I think Hot Shots has lost that title because Kong has surely taken it. Of course, whereas Hot Shots was ripping on other films, Kong is ripping from other films.

The movie starts out as a depression-era period piece on struggling Vaudeville and Broadway actors. Then it turns into a National Geographic special on freaky-ass African tribes (way beyond plates in their lips and FUCKED UP afros). Then it's Jurassic Park. Then it's a movie about Jane Goodall. Finally, after about four days of film (does this guy even do any editing?), Jackson decides what kind of film he wants to make: one about hot, hot woman-on-gigantic-ape action.

Ape, gorilla, whatever.

Before I continue, I was not aware of the nine-minute anal rape scene before watching this movie. And don't give me any shit; Naomi Watts may have said "yes," but once a 50-foot gorilla starts putting it in, it's fucking rape.

Rape aside though, Jackson does do one thing right, and that's make a powerful commentary on human-gorilla romantic and sexual relations. Just when you're getting to the good stuff (at least for one party), the fucking government steps in and starts shooting at you and blowing shit up. Bastards.

Again, as I said, I know now that the phases that the film went through were in parallel with the original King Kong. So you could say instead that the creators of the original were the ones who pre-emptively ripped off everything that I mentioned. But with how excessive Jackson is with everything, and how horribly he draws everything out, a lot of the thoughts are still applicable even if it's holding true to the original. Take for instance all of the dinosaur shit. Look, Peter, we've been there, we've done that. If you're gonna keep that in there, fine -- but we don't need that fucking much of it. I know this bit of advice, which is applicable to EVERYTHING YOU DO, is falling on deaf ears. Ears, of course, that went deaf from all that "cha-ching!" he's been hearing these past few years.

Yeah, excessive. There were so many times where I was thinking to myself "Okay, that's enough. I'm sick of this." We don't need another dinosaur fight. We don't need this one to start at the top of the cliff, then move down to the vines between the cliffs for another hour, then complete about a day later down at the bottom. Stop that!

Oh, and we get it -- scary creatures! Once they're exploring the island every fucking moment of this movie is dedicated to what creepy creature they're going to run into next that will give them problems. I know that this is a remote island filled with strange things, but I've gotta think that even the most infested places have a couple of spots that are unpopulated by something that wants to kill you. But no, not on Jackson's vision of Skull Island. We've got an effects budget, and fuck if we're not going to blow through all of it. Nevermind developing characters or story or anything, if there's always some kind of chaos, that makes a movie good.

Speaking of chaos, there are a lot of stylistic things that Jackson does that piss me off. Well, at least this is what Jackson is passing off as "style." One of the things I hated the most about the Lord of the Rings movies were the battle scenes. They were so hectic with so much shit going on that you couldn't follow what the hell was going on. Yes, I know, real battles can be like that, but it doesn't make for a good scene. But anyway, he follows this same bad pattern in Kong with some of the action sequences, so I continue to hate him for it. I paid to see this shit (well, today I didn't, but still), so I'd like to follow what's happening. Really, though, they could have just replaced some scenes in LOTR and Kong with some totally random shit being strewn about, and it would have been all the same.

Another thing, Peter: slow-motion does not automatically make something really dramatic or poignant. Don't do it if you don't need to, and rarely if ever did you need to in Kong. Oh, and don't have characters whispering stuff to each other that the audience can't hear if you're going to reveal what they're talking about six seconds later (the revelation coming in slow-mo, of course). That could be a good device to set up some suspense, but this wasn't something that was really suspenseful to begin with, and you fucked it up anyway by telling us the secret immediately.

The biggest element of Jackson's "style" that I hate, of course, is "long and drawn out." But of course, when I actually want him to explain something, when I really want him to go deeper, he doesn't. Riddle me this, fat man: once Kong is sedated, how the fuck did they get him back to New York? That wasn't exactly a big boat that they had. And I'm only guessing that they were able to keep him sedated on the way back, as well as once he was in New York, but we'll never know. I really shouldn't complain about this, though; had he covered these things I wouldn't be here right now to type this because I'd either still be in the theater or I would have slit my wrists already.

A comment on the special effects needs to be made. Some of them? Weren't that special. There were a lot that I was looking at, and I'm like, that's fake. I mean, I know it's fake, but when you're spending that kind of jack for FX, it's usually a bit more convincing. A lot of the FX were good, but at those prices (I don't know the exact figure, but it doesn't take a genius to know that they were high), they should all be good. There were a few other things that I can think of off the top of my head that were bullshit. After Kong falls to his death, from the top of the Empire State building, his lifeless body is surprisingly well intact on the street below. And then there's one point where Adrien Brody is flying around Manhattan in what I'm guessing is a Ford Model A, but he's outrunning Kong and maneuvering it like it's my car. No. Oh, and I'm no behavioral expert when it comes to dinosaurs, but I'm guessing that their reactions and motions during fighting aren't going to be just like humans. Or at least, that's how it came across to me. But at least one T-Rex no longer needs his Reach toothbrush now that he has a flip-top head.

Throughout the movie, there were three trains of thought that I was constantly on:

1. Where's my jacket I wanna leave. I've been at this movie six years; I want to see other movies.
2. When are they gonna get to the part where he climbs the Empire State building?
3. Holy Christ Naomi Watts is hot.

So yeah, there's a second thing that he got right -- he at least had the decency to cast someone stunningly gorgeous for us to be looking at. Granted, there was no scene where we get to see her masturbate and it's not so much hot as depressing, but it was still a good call. For the better part of the film she's in a nightie and robe, running around barefoot. That was pretty nice. And I guess if I had to find a third thing that I liked, using the old-school graphics and fonts in the opening and closing credits was a nice homage to the original film. Thinking about it, though, with how long Jackson's Kong is, I wouldn't be surprised if he started it at the same time as the people who made the original in 1933.

One more thing I liked about seeing Kong was something that the makers of Kong had nothing to do with. I saw a preview for a movie coming out next year with Denzel Washington and total bad-ass Clive Owen called Inside Man (I believe). Movie previews and commercials are the most god-awful fucking things, but at least for once I got something useful out of all that nonsense.

The thing is, Jackson's King Kong wasn't a horrid movie. It would have been decently good if it wasn't so goddamn long and another crucial part of Jackson's Master Self Aggrandizement Plan. Dude, hit the cutting room from time to time, and I hopefully won't be complaining as much. Or at least, I can get out of the theater before cockroaches are extinct. An hour-and-a-half, and this movie would have been pretty solid. Over three hours, it's Peter Jackson, and we know what that means to me.

Okay, so let's do the list:

Style points, drawing things out: -100
Style points, exaggerating everything: -50 (I'm feeling generous)
Other excesses: -10
Peter Jackson: -1000
Jack Black, who I've never particularly liked: -5
Jack Black, being somewhat tolerable despite above: +1
Naomi Watts: +100 (god, she's hot)
German guns: +1
Slow-mo: -1
All that money on effects, and you give me this weak-ass shit?: -5
Misc. Bullshit: -10
Inside Man preview: +1
One point detracted for every minute of the film: -187

So we have a total of... -1265. That's the worst I've ever rated anything, and it was pretty much all on the weakness of Peter Jackson. Take him out of the equation (making sure to do it Speed style by fucking killing him), and this movie fares much, much better.

Earlier tonight I saw a rugby game for XBox. And I was like, that's kinda cool. But is there anything out for Aussie Rules Football? I'm not sure if there's anything for modern consoles, but they at least had a game for the oridinal NES.

The coolest AFL team has gotta be the Melbourne Demons (although the Essendon Bombers have a cool name and logo, too). When ETP and I made a failed attempt to follow Aussie rules football footy back in our freshman year, I had initially picked another club as my team, but eventually had to go with the Demons since that mascot is BA (I shortened it). Of course, it's hard to "follow" a sport that is rarely if ever broadcast over here, but that's because everything sucks in America.

Hey, Paizanos!

One of the great things about growing up is revisiting things you enjoyed as a kid and realizing how bad they sucked. ETP and BOETP got me the DVD set of The Legend of Zelda cartoons that ran on Fridays as part of The Super Mario Brothers Super Show circa 1989. Now, Zelda has held up pretty well. Yeah, Link is a choad. Yeah, Zelda is a cunt. Yeah, a lot of the jokes are really fucking stupid. But it's still pretty watchable and entertaining.

Included in the Zelda set is a handful of TSMBSS live action clips. For anyone who watched this, you know what the show was about -- there were the cartoons (both Super Mario Brothers and Zelda) as well as short live-action skits intermixed in each episode. The live-action portions starred the late Captain Lou Albano as Mario and some other guy as Luigi. And holy fucking Christ were those live-action portions horrible. I mean, you spend a day having the shits, and it's not so bad when compared to this. As if that wasn't bad enough, the closing credits for the show have Captain Lou encouraging you to "do the Mario!" as he does what I will loosely call "a dance." Upon seeing this for the first time in sixteen years, I was like, wow, I think Captain Lou Albano died of embarrassment.

Looking at his IMDB profile and searching around on the web, Captain Lou isn't dead after all. But seriously, the live-action stuff from TSMBSS is just awful. It's so bad that I feel embarrassed and uncomfortable just from watching it.

One problem I think I have in writing this blog nowadays is that I feel like I have to have desensitized people to talking about a lot of fucked up shit. Or if nothing else, many things just have a "been there, done that" feel to them. For long-timers, of course -- newbies are always at risk to be totally turned off by this shit. I bring up things from the Holy Trinity of Things that Make People Sick -- bestiality, incest, and pedophilia -- seemingly as much as I can because it's amusing to a sick fuck like me to bring up things that bother other people. I could just be projecting since, at least conceptually (although not necessarily in real-life practice) I'm desensitized to these things. I mean, it's gotta bother a lot of people no matter what when I bring up being attracted to an 11-year-old girl because she has good stuff. Now, if you know baseball you understand the double entendre, but it is a double entendre since we've been down both routes. And you're still not too comfortable with people fucking horses, right? I hope not, because that's what the rest of this post is about.

Anyway, as we were watching Zelda, horsefucking came up. In case you're wondering how this came up (because you wouldn't expect it with me), there was a point where we find out that Link's horse is named Catherine. And I had to ask, "Did he name the horse after Catherine the Great because she died fucking a horse?" Even though the horse legend might be total bullshit, it's still funny to bring up. That led to ETP mentioning this story from a couple of months back. As it turned out, he didn't die from the horse falling on top of him.

Several months back, I suddenly started getting a bunch of Google hits for things like "man dies fucking horse video." And despite the fucked up search hits that I get ("donkey dongs" is a popular one... just thought I'd share), I still had to ask what the fuck brought it on. Then I saw one search hit that included mention of Dan Savage, the Savage Love sex columnist, and I thought the issue was settled -- it was something that had come up in one of his columns.

Nope, as it turns out, some dumbass died of a "perforated colon" from taking it up the ass from a horse. Christ, the balls (balls, of course, almost always equating to a lack of brains) to let a horse fuck you in the ass. But really, the thing that I get thinking about is this guy's family. You thought Captain Lou was embarrassed? Shit, imagine having to explain that to other people. "How's Tommy doing?" "He's dead." "Oh, I'm so sorry... What happened?" [Insert lie].

Do you think they had a funeral for him? I'd be willing to bet that his next of kin just said "Fuck it... Just burn his body or throw it out. We never speak of this again."

"The information that we have is that people would find this place via chat rooms on the Web"

Bullshit -- and I'm not totally kidding. Chatrooms are filled with some pretty vile shit, but it's mostly just talk. Although I'd imagine that with the cesspool that the internet and chatrooms are, there are places where getting punctured internally by a horse can be arranged.

"If you're talking about sheep or goats, there could be some issues."

This statement amuses me. Now, I get it that sex with animals isn't illegal in Washington state, as it isn't in many others for some odd reason in this day and age, but I still found this to be a funny thing for someone to say. You're cool with horses but sheep and goats are right out? Okay, just so long as we're clear.

Why is it that everything I get interested in either turns to shit or goes away? Like for instance, I got into Star Trek in Next Gen's sixth season. The show didn't go bad on me, but it did go away a season and a half later.

Quite possibly the biggest disappointment of all time is Ghastly's Ghastly Comic. I discovered this around Xmas of last year, and immediately hailed it as the reason we invented the webcomic. Well, I didn't go that far, but I was thoroughly pleased with what Ghastly had put forth. And how was I rewarded for this praise? With the comic turning to utter schlock, of course. I check it every week, but it's with a sense of begrudging dread that I do so. It's more out of idiotic obligation that I do this, kinda like when I bought The Fragile many years back.

I know why Ghastly became ghastly unfunny. Two reasons. For one, Ghastly set out on a quest to become a better artist in terms of his drawing. This is a laudable goal, but it should not come at the expense of your biggest talent -- writing. Also, he apparently started doing a second comic, which I haven't looked at and don't care to at this point. That sapped time and energy from the main comic, and combined with his bullshit improvement goal, made for a lousy comic.

You know who else isn't funny anymore? Me. I look back at some of my older posts, and I'm like, damn, this kid is funny. I know it's rather uncouth to laugh at one's own jokes, but fuck that -- I am a comic genius. Or at least I was, because now I fuck ass. And not in a good way, either.

So we know why Ghastly sucks now, but what the hell happened to me? Well, answering that question in full scale could be a blog of it's own, but in terms of why my 'blog isn't funny anymore, we can look to a lot of things. For one, just about everything I posted on died with the election last year. In the run-up, it was like, yeah, this is fun to talk about. Then it was like, man, this is a fucking waste of time. It also never helps when you're a sore loser. Then there was/is my job, which actually keeps me pretty busy, and so it was like, fuck this -- I don't have time to post. Then, of course, there was all the nonsense about the car. Not that posting on it was bad per se (especially not for me, of course, but as always everyone else is on their own), but that was really all I cared to post about. As I've said before, I've really got nothing more going on besides A) the car B) work and C) masturbating. Work I just don't really bring up because even though I enjoy my job, it's not one that's really bloggable. The car I obviously bring up from time to time. And masturbating? Shit, trust me -- you do not want to hear about that. It is even less hot than it sounds, and I know that doesn't seem possible, but it is.

Okay, that's enough bullshit introspection. At this point I'm not doing this blog bullshit out of obligation or anything, and from time to time I get a bug up my ass to do it, so it's still amusing to me. Anyway, speaking of Ghastly and the good ol' days, I was searching through old posts on Blogger, and came across an unposted "Year in Review" from last year. It really wasn't very good (which is saying quite a bit considering the quality to be found here), so I never got motivated to finish it. I left it pretty raw -- there were gaps, errors (I somehow fucked up the year, which was pretty brilliant) and even a section just called "UNFINISHED," so it has even less polish than the other drivel I put out there. But it kinda irritates me to have shit unposted, and there were at least a couple of things that made me laugh. So do 'ya remember 2004 and are you ready to relive it? Me neither. But I did it, so now you have to, too. Maybe I'll do a timely 2005 year in review later this month or in early '06, or maybe I'll post it when it's even less relevant. Without further ado, I present to you a post that never was... But now is.

Yeah, fuck lists

It has been my annual tradition to list a bunch of random shit here at Fuck everything, and though the odds of me telling you my thoughts on 2003 are actually quite high doing it the way I've done it for the last few years really sounds awful to me. To both of us, even. So we're not going to do that.

Oh wait, yes we are. Why? Because I've got no place else to go. I'm starting this list New Year's Eve, and within a couple of days it should be sufficiently unfunny for me to release it into the wild. Like last year's list, this is pretty much just a stream of consciousness effort much like everything else I'm responsible for. Some categories will be returning, others added, with yet others shamefully dismissed. Let's get it on.

Story of the year
U.S. presidential "election"

Unlike last year, this was sort of a tough call. Mainly due to the big awful story of the past week with the earthquake and tsunamis in Asia and Africa. The thing is, when it comes to the tsunami story, there's really not much that I can do a lot of complaining about. More importantly, I really haven't found anything there to make jokes about -- we may have to wait the requisite 22.3 years for that.

The election, on the other hand, gave me plenty to bitch and complain about. The pitting of SuperDumbfuck George W. Bush against SuperNothing John F. Kerry (John who?) fueled quite a few posts around here. Of course, it was also the run-up to the election -- the RNC, the DNC, Republican bullshit, John Kerry's (John who's?) neverending pussitude, the Swiftboat bitter assholes, to name a few things -- that all but killed my desire to 'blog, especially on politics. If that doesn't make you pro-election, I don't know what will.

Album of the year
Fluke's Six Wheels on My Wagon

This was actually one of Fluke's earlier releases, having come out in 1993. Once again, though, since I am the center of everything, nothing really happens until I'm exposed to it. And since I didn't get my shit together and buy it until this year (and actually, it was ETP who put in the order to get both of us our copies), that makes it eligible for this year's award.

Album of the year, if I'm forced to pick something besides a Fluke release
???

I don't listen to music. Go ask someone who knows shit about shit, like ETP.

Greatest Grill of All Time
Muhammad Ali's "The Greatest Grill of All Time"

The rivalry is heating back up.

Webcomic of the Year
Ghastly's Ghastly Comic

A late entry, this one is pretty much beyond everything.

Stand-up Performance of the Year
George Carlin

I can't even remember half of what went down this year, but I'm pretty sure that we at least saw Carlin, Robert Schimmel, Chris Rock, and Bill Maher at some point during the year. Maher was good as always. Chris Rock, despite the long hiatus from touring, is still good. Schimmel, last year's winner, was also good, but that man hasn't written a new joke in like five years. Carlin, on the other hand is, well, Carlin.

Laura Bush "Cunt of the Year" Annual Award
Laura Bush

I still hate this woman.

Movie of the Year
Uhhh...

I never go to movies, for two reasons. For one, there's hardly ever anything out that interests me. For two, I for some reason have a really difficult time allocating, in advance, a two-hour block of time to just sitting around doing essentially nothing. Granted, I never do anything but sit around doing nothing for hours at a time, but when it's not planned in ahead of time (and bought for $8), doing nothing still seems fresh and exciting.

I was really looking forward to Kill Bill Vol. 2, and that turned out to be a pretty big disappointment. Yeah, it was still pretty good, but it just didn't have the intangible "it" of the first installment. I remember seeing Hellboy back in April or whatever, and while entertaining, this movie does not belong on any self-respecting or even self-effacing "best of" list. Oh, and didn't Michael Moore's latest piece of propaganda come out this year? That, too, was entertaining, but seeing as how it reall didn't help and may have actually hurt chances if us ousting Bush, it certainly doesn't win shit.

Before Kill Bill Vol. 1, I'm pretty sure the most recent movie I saw was Star Trek: Nemesis (probably not true), so I'm just going to punt on this category. One finger for all of Hollywood in recognition of the fact that they're not putting out anything that interests me.

Video Game of the Year
Dead or Alive Ultimate

I'm obligated to go with any game that's A) pretty and B) brings me things like Kasumi in bloomers, an XBox girl outfit, and a naughty Santa outfit along with Hitomi in bloomers, a sailor uniform, and her own XBox girl outfit. Ignoring the fact that I hate this fucking game and get utterly sick of it anytime I start playing because I'm no good at it, it wins the crown for this year.

Another game which I get beyond frustrated with but comes in second place is Ninja Gaiden. Not that I want to sound too much like ETP's list, but whatever. At least I really didn't care for Kart (where the fuck are my jump turns?), I have no particular affinity for Megaman even if it's decently fun (but then again, I never worked with a friend to beat Megaman 2 without getting hit once), and Crystal Chronicles had zero appeal to me. But yeah, Ninja Gaiden was good stuff, even if I got completely pissed towards the end of Chapter 5 and not picking the game up again until just a couple of days ago (I made progress, too! And now... Now I'm stuck again and will probably resume playing in May). Some other games that were probably cool but also fell victim to my Videogame ADHD:

Prince of Persia: Sands of Time: I really just did not give this game much of a chance, but it just didn't suck me in like I'd hoped it would. I need to give it another shot.

La Pucelle: Tactics: This one I did enjoy playing, even if it didn't really suck me in like, say, Ocarina of Time, and for months I've been saying that I really want to start playing it again.

Grand Theft Auto: Vice City: I'm pretty sure I got this game this past year. It, too, was a lot of fucking fun, but my attention span blows. How cool of an idea was it to get Ray Liotta to voice the main character? And shit, that's merely the beginning.

Super Mario Sunshine: Yes, this one is also kinda old, but I got it early last year. I really don't have any desire to play it again, either. I'm sorry, but this game is just fucking gay, and not gay in a good way, either. Why can't they just make a regular fucking Mario game that doesn't do something like focus on that stupid water backpack thingy?

Game release I'm most looking forward to
Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas

Say what you want about what's on the racks at stores, this game doesn't come out until I can play it on XBox.

New game system that I have no desire to pick up
Nintendo DS

Alternately referred to as the Nintendo DipShit and the Nintendo DickSuck, I don't care how many people (ETP) say it's a decent system, I don't fucking want one. I just have moral opposition to there being two screens. So what if they can put the map or something useful down there? A second screen is nothing but a gimmick, and I'm sorry, but I'd much rather see the focus be placed on something other than a gimmick. Also, a second screen is just plain excessive, and if there's anything I'm against, it's excess.

Speaking of Excess
Project 3 Series

Project 3 Series morphed into Project 330 and is now Project ZHP. It is driving me absolutely nuts, and I don't want to talk about it until I either just get the stupid BMW or realize there's no way for it to happen. So you're all spared... For now.

Biggest Asshole
Sylvia Saint

Yeah, I blew it by using this joke prematurely several months back, but fuck it. This needs to be on every list until the end of time.



UNFINISHED
Nazi concept most applicable to my life
Lebensraum

As an article in The Onion once declared, "Lebensraum is totally where it's at!" I, of course, find amusement in stuff like this because I find myself getting a joke that I don't think the average American is going to get.

But yeah, that's pretty much what all of this year was for me -- living space. First, I needed a house with enough space for me and my girls. Then, I needed lebensraum in a more abstract manner when trying to find breathing room in my budget to get the BMW and still be able to save money while maintaining a decent standard of living. Further appropriate that I was lusting after a German car.

So I took a term that Hitler used to justify invading neighbors and thus setting the entire world on fire which led to the death of millions, and belittled it all as part of my quest for material goods and money. Basically what I'm trying to say is that I'm an asshole and a bad person.

Most awful human being


It took some thinking to come up with a winner, but it's pretty sad for the rest of humanity because I knew that I still cannot make the top of this list.

Anime of the Year
???

Who cares, watching anime is for fucking losers

But if I did watch anime...
I still really don't know

I've had to back way the hell off from this habit this past year.

I've already declared that, one of these fucking days, I'm going to get myself a Sunbeam Tiger. Of course, I wanna get a red Get Smart one, but I may have to re-think that after finding this, a 1965 Shelby Sunbeam Tiger. Yeah. I definitely need one of those. It needs some new wheels because I'm not big on heavy chrome wheels, and you know, gray and red don't go all that well together, so the whole thing might need a paint job. And then, fuck yeah.

Okay, so I just found out that I don't know shit about shit. Carroll Shelby fucking led the design of the Sunbeam Tiger, so really, they're all Shelbys. And maybe with the exception of the wheels, this one looks about right.

Speaking of Get Smart, I read this awhile back. I was hesitant to post on it out of fear of jinxing it, so they can delay production any time. At least HBO is in charge, so we know they'll put back in all the swearing and nudity.

Google search:

schoolgirl forced to eat out of bowl

Damn, now that is fucking kinky.

Then there are people who show up here so fucking clueless, that they really need to be euthanized (like a good deal of the rest of the population). Take these stems, for instance:

how does a guy fuck himself without a partner
when is the right time to fuck your boyfriend

Then there are the ones who are clued in... But probably still too big of a pussy to just drop the program:

international baccalaureate sucks shit

Site traffic took a nosedive today, and I think that's the direction I really need to be headed.

Okay, so someone e-mailed me this a couple of days ago. Thank fucking Christ it wasn't some god damn Slipknot lyics. Quite the opposite, in fact. I had seen that poster for TWAT quite awhile back at or linked from the now defunct Marcellus Wallace's Bloody Gitch, and I had been wondering where the fuck it came from ever since. Now I know. And as GI Joe taught us, knowing is half the battle. I just wish they'd told me the other half so maybe I could finally get my shit together.

Taking a break from the normal shit they do or don't do that fucks up this country, some in congress are hitting the hard issues and tackling the BCS. The BCS is fucked up and all, but god fucking damn it.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I can't stand Christianity and I can't stand a lot of what Christians stand for, but they make some neat fucking buildings. That pic is of the Catedral de Segovia is Segovia, Spain. As much as I hate religion in general and Christianity in specific, I have to give them mad points for so often going balls-out in the architecture regime. Worship is stupid, but at least when they set their minds to make a house of worship, they make a fucking house of worship. Many churches and cathedrals would be so worthy of God if He actually existed.

If anybody should be called in for jury duty, it's Bush. Busy running the country? Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, it's gotta be so tough having Karl Rove tell me what to do all the time. He's gotta be mentally drained from those really difficult speeches about the war in Iraq that were given to tough houses of military personnel. And frequent, extended vacations at the ranch? Dude.

And no, I did not just post a couple of BBC articles to try and regain some street cred. I know that is long since gone, and I was actually reading the Beeb earlier. So again, fuck off.

Mountain Don't

This is pretty typical of this country. We have a bunch of fat-ass fucking kids in this country, so the big problem must be soda pop. It can't be the foods we eat or the over-indulgent lifestyles that we have. Or how about the fact that a lot of fat kids have something in common: fat parents. Nah, it's gotta be pop. Now, I'm not saying that maybe pop isn't part of the larger problem, but that's just it -- there's a larger problem. But to think that pop alone is a huge issue, I've gotta call bullshit.

I've been drinking that stuff since I was pretty young, and except for a few isolated times where I tried to cut back, I usually have at least a can a day. I won't drink diet, because that stuff is swill that belongs under the same column as Budweiser. And somehow, I'm not a huge tub of shit. You can make the argument that I'm a tub of shit, for sure, but not a huge one. Look, if I didn't put on weight in the past month or so from drinking pop, then it can't be that big of a deal. With as hard as I was hitting it at work for awhile, and with how little sleep I allow myself, I was chugging a lot of pop. I have this box in my office for empty cans that I emptied out today, and it was almost nothing but Mountain Dew and Mountain Dew Code Red. I remember that there was one point where I was even double-fisting it (sounds hot, I know) with a Dr. Pepper in one hand and a Mountain Dew in the other. I was just weighed this past week, and I'm at 120, which is just fine for my small stature.

As per usual, I'm generalizing for comedic effect (as if you hadn't been warned), and I know it's more complicated. But once I found a way to work "double fisting" into a post, I had to do it. Bring on those Google hits.

But anyway, back to the real issue. As always, we take a big problem, find one small part of it, and blame that for everything. Kids shooting up the schools? Must be video games. The economy is shit? Must be China's monetary policy. Of course, the reason these issues are focused on is because there is some group that has an agenda against item X, so they'll find an excuse to push that agenda. And, as such, we never get anything real accomplished in this country.

When I hear about non-military people getting kidnapped, killed, what have you, in Iraq, I think part of me initially feels sympathy for them. Believe it or not (and I barely believe it myself), there is a bit of humanity left in me. That fades pretty quickly, though, once actual thought kicks in, and I think, hey, if you go over to Iraq, you should know damn well what you're getting yourself into. If you have a choice on going there, then, well, I can't have much sympathy for you when things go awry. Things are further compounded when I hear that people who get themselves into trouble are associated with some kind of Christian outfit. It's at this point that I'm pretty much rooting for bad stuff to happen to them.

All four men appeared frightened.

Gee, I wouldn't expect that. Thanks for the hard-hitting coverage. I know, I know, I'm the one continually reading and linking CNN in the first place. Fuck off.

The group has claimed that the kidnapped men, from the Chicago-based Christian Peacemaker Teams...

Now there's the potential for me to feel even less sympathy. If anyone from this organization is in Iraq who came from Chicago, I just have to ask: you left Chicago... For Iraq? I know it can get mighty cold and shit in the winter and all, but it's still fucking Chicago. Stick around and hit a mall or something.

The Christian activists... had been repeatedly warned by Iraqi and Western security officials that they were taking a grave risk by moving about Baghdad without bodyguards.

Wow. At this point, I'm not saying that you're asking for it, except that I am. Even though I was basically saying that just by you being there to begin with.

The Christian activists -- Tom Fox, 54, of Clear Brook, Virginia; Norman Kember, 74, of London; James Loney, 41, of Toronto; and Harmeet Singh Sooden, 32, of Canada...

I wonder if Harmeet lives in downtown Canada.

One thing that really pissed me off while reading this article was the name of the group responsible for this round of kidnappings. They call themselves the "Swords of Righteousness Brigade." It wasn't so much just that name in particular as that it was part of a general trend of lame-ass fucking names that these groups give themselves. You guys are running around with guns and bombs and killing people, and the best you can come up with is a name that sounds like something a bunch of eight-year-olds would come up with for their Pop Warner football team? All the transgressions were made up for by one group, however:

The men were kidnapped at the same place where Giuliana Sgrena, a reporter for the Italian newspaper Il Manifesto, was seized February 4 and held for a month by a group calling itself Mujahedeen Without Borders.

Mujahedeen Without Borders? Holy crap. That is fucking hilarious.

This is pretty disgusting. First Amendment stuff, blah blah blah, that's all obvious. But here at Fe, we go deeper. Like, for instance, looking at how the school should be happy as it is that these kids can even fucking read to begin with considering that it's Tennessee. And since everyone down there is fucking their sister anyway, wouldn't it be a good idea for them to know about birth control?

I don't really comment much on Iraq or politics or any of that nonsense anymore since it was pointless back when I thought that maybe it wasn't, but I still found this to be kinda interesting. It's not some powerless Democrat talking, it's not some liberal mouthpiece saying it. No; it's the guy who was supposed to be our guy in Iraq. It reminds me of something that Jon Stewart said on The Daily Show when the Abu Ghraib thing was big, something to the effect of the torture chambers are "really not shut down so much as under new management."

Okay, now back to talking about cars, porn, and video games.

Well, fuck. It has not been a good couple of weeks in the romance department. First Aeris gets killed on me, and then this a couple of days ago. I guess I can live with Danica being taken, though, since all the indications I'm getting is that she's a bitch. Which makes her entertaining to watch and read about, but maybe not deal with on a day-to-day basis. I'm still bent about Aeris, though. Damn that game for playing out the exact same way as it has for millions of others.

Since we sometimes work off of a theme, and since that theme tends to oftentimes be on a particular type of story despite half-assed attempts to steer it otherwise, I may as well give an update on Debra Lafave. I still get the occasional Google hit off this woman (including a ton today, and, in typical fashion, thanks to a misspelling) and she's in the news again after striking a plea bargain to stay out of jail.

Now, believe it or not, even I can see what she did isn't right. Sure, that kid is, like, the luckiest fucking kid in his class, but she's obviously an adult and should still know better. But how about that kid? How fucking stupid do you have to be to tattle on this woman? Even if someone figures it out, you bloody deny it. For most guys, poontang is never guaranteed, especially not with decently attractive older teachers. Even David Lee Roth will tell you that.

I know, I know; I'm wading in the shallow end of the pool as always. But in this case, it's guys we're talking about, and I have at least a little bit of experience in being a guy. Maybe if it had gone on it would have some deep emotional impact later on in life, blah blah. As opposed to the end of the affair and the media circus, which have probably done no damage at all. And besides, he's a guy. It's not like he was ever going to mature emotionally anyway, just like all the rest of us, so there wasn't much to damage in the first place. All horny teen boys give a shit about is getting laid, and he was getting it. But the dumb fuck went and helped shut off the tap. So really, upon reflection, I think everyone gets what they deserve in this case, unless if that kid has found other resources.

Hey.

Google search:

BMW 325Ci how to get the fucking tires off

Sorry, dude. I only know the procedure to get tires off of a 330i; things are vastly different since you have the coupe or convertible with the smaller engine. Seriously, people this fucking retarded don't deserve to be driving, nonetheless driving a Bimmer. And regardless of entitlement, they definitly shouldn't be driving.

But I'm not bitter or anything

Maxim magazine apparently has an article on the “25 greatest short dudes of all time” in its December issue. I got sick of Maxim when I turned 13 and have mocked the publication ever since, but do I now have to give them some big ups for trying to help out my kind?

The magazine, in its December issue, claims to be helping women “begin a long overdue fight against their genetically determined shallowness when choosing a partner.”

Thanks, guys. That should be a real big help, because I know that women really read and pay attention to what Maxim tells them. Then again, I'm sure plenty of women pay attention to shit like the "101 Ways to Please Your Man" columns in Cosmo and similar drivel, so you never know. But really, if Samantha dating a short guy on an epsisode of Sex and the City didn't change anything, nothing ever will.

Then there's the fact that Yoda made the list. Yoda is a fucking puppet, i.e. not a real person, and he made the list. I could beat the shit out of Yoda because lightsabers, the force, and Yoda himself are all not real (sorry to break this to some of you). Yoda's inclusion in the list tells you everything you need to know about changing those shallow attitudes.

"All a man needs is food, sex, and silence. Feed me, fuck me, shut the fuck up."
- Chris Rock pointing out that there are only three things, not 101, necessary to please your man

ETP posted a link to this a compilation of critics' quotes on the new 50 Cent movie a couple of days back. In the interest of being me and maintaining the low standards of this 'blog, I'm ripping off the link. However, I will go against principle and add some value. That "Critical Mess" feature is a regular "column" (not sure if you can call pulling other peoples' words together and Photoshopping them to a movie poster a column) on Movie Poop Shoot, View Askiew's entertainment news site. An archive of other installments of Critical Mess is contained here, and there is some pretty amusing stuff in there.

SeVIIen

The Final Fantasy game series is one of those series that's achieved such status with us that any particular installment can be referred to simply by number. After about eight years, I finally sat down and started playing VII a few weeks ago. I had been meaning to buy and furthermore play this game for the longest fucking time, but just never got around to it. The same goes for VIII, which I have owned for a couple of years but have not put significant effort into. Yeah, the game series has legendary status with me, even though I've only played one of them all the way through (that being X). I kinda feel like I've actually already played VII since I watched ETP play so much of it our freshman year in the dorms, though. The sad thing is, with as much as I watched him play that fucking game, there was still quite a bit of it that I didn't witness. That kid was a fucking machine playing that game. Case in point: Thursday.

I've made reference to Thursday before. Searching through my archives, though, I couldn't find an instance of where I actually talked about Thursday, though. So get ready for another boring story of ours from back in the day.

This dipshit friend of ours was actually the one who first bought VII. His reason for buying it? "It's three discs!" But anyway, after a couple of days, he realized that he wasn't going to get any work done if he had VII sitting there in his room to play (despite this realization, this kid never finished college). ETP, on the other hand, can balance a schedule that includes heavy video game time along with skipping classes that he already knows everything in anyway. The kid is that good. So he set off on a VII quest.

One morning, not surprisingly at this juncture a Thursday morning, I got up. I don't know if ETP was already playing when I got up, but before I left for my four-hour chem lab, he was at it. Upon returning to our room from lab, he was still playing. After awhile, I left for work, with him still going. I was at work for at least another few hours, and when I got home, he was still playing. I can't remember what time he stopped that night, but it turned out to be a 14-hour marathon. He took time out for dinner (I think) and to hit the can, but that was it. This may not seem like a big deal to you, but trust me -- Thursday was fucking epic. How could it not be if out of all the Thursdays throughout history, that is the only one known simply as "Thursday"?

I'm not in Thursday territory yet. Shit, Thursday alone is nearly half the time I've put into playing the game thus far. I'm at just over 30 hours by the game clock (so a bit more in real time), and have just broken into the second disc. Of course, I don't quite have the free time to be logging 14-hour FF days, despite my rigorous social schedule. Since I've been busting ass at work and have been ordered to take some time off along with the upcoming Thanksgiving break, there's a chance I might get in some good hours in the coming days. Even still, I don't know if I can ever match Thursday.

I've been playing it off and on, sometimes going a week without touching it, then picking it up and playing until well into the morning. That'll happen with those fucking games. I've been hitting it decently hard the past couple of days since I finally had some time, plus I've just been pushing it so I can get to the part where Aeris dies. For anyone who has played the game already, you know what I'm talking about. For anyone who hasn't played the game but was thinking about it, just consider ruining part of the plot my gift to you.

And no, I wasn't trying to get to this particular part because I'm an asshole and I like it when the good guys get killed off, it's because I've been dreading that part and I just wanted to get it over with. I cared for that character a great deal, mainly just because she liked me (er, well, my video-game alter ego) for no reason whatsoever other than the plot demanded it. That's appealing to a guy like me who isn't going to be able to get real interest from a woman even with significant effort which I'm not even willing to put in. Sad? Yes. But have you read anything else here, for fuck's sake? You should know by now if so.

Sure, Tifa is hot and all, and she kicks some ass. But Aeris was cute and friendly and on top of that zero-effort, and that's just grand. So yeah, I liked Aeris, and now she's fucking dead, leaving us to move on with the rest of the miserable affair. Of course, thanks to ETP, I pretty much know a lot of what goes down and how it ends. I mean, beyond the fact that you win, which is a given with any FF game if you just play it long enough. I know some of the salient plot points, like how you're not real but actually a dream or some stupid shit like that. And I know that Sephiroth has wings for legs, can't wear his... Ah-DI-das! To make sure we're clear, the fact that you now know this is ETP's fault, not mine. And yeah, I've killed all this time playing a game where I know what happens, and I will proceed to kill even more time over the coming weeks. But as they say, life is a journey, not a destination, or some other such shit. Actually, the game is just fucking fun, even if you know what happens.

One of the more entertaining things about the more recent FF games is getting to name some or all of the characters in your party. Many just get left alone out of respect for the character, like Tifa. But many just demand name changes. Like Barret; he has to be named something to do with Mr. T because if you put some gold chains on that guy, that's who he is. Other characters have gotten names in the past that are now legendary, like the main female character from VIII, who will forever be known as Caitlin. This came about because that one dumbass I mentioned who first bought VII was for awhile obsessed with this girl named Caitlin, and as such we gave the character that name out of mockery (and also because ETP wasn't going to leave her name as Rhino).

For my VII quest, I just named the main character after me because I'm gay (I thought about naming him Link, though). Tifa and Aeris got left alone, and Mr. T is Mr. T. Cid got named "El Cid" because, again, he has to be. For Red XIII I couldn't come up with anything clever, so I just called him "Dogg." It was a couple of weeks later that I realized that I should have named him Raw Dog, but oh well. Vincent is such a fucking bag that the only name I could give him was Dooshe. In his case, though, I decided it needs to be pronounced Doo-shay. I haven't gotten Muffie yet, but that's obviously what she'll be called if I come across her. And Cait Sith? What the fuck is that thing? Could be meat, could be cake. I think it's... Meatcake!

I don't have the knack for naming characters like ETP does, though. There was one in Xenogears (or at least, I'm pretty sure it was Xenogears) that he named Fuckwad because, well, it looked like a fuckwad. Then there was the Guardian Diabolus from VIII, who is known to us as Asshole after ETP got pissed over how hard he was to beat.

As I've mentioned, this will be only the second FF game I've made it through, assuming, of course, that my video game ADHD doesn't kick in like it has with everything else in the past couple of years. Yup, somehow, X is the only one I've gone all the way through, probably because I got it and started playing it as the same time as ETP, thus allowing the whole game to be new to me the first time playing it for myself. Yes, I know, X was a piece of shit, even though, I'm sorry, it wasn't that bad. No, it wasn't that good. No, it wasn't VII or VIII, but both of us still put in our hours. Both of us wasted a bunch of fucking time in the calm plains. Both of us put in the effort to get those stupid ultimate weapons or whatever the fuck they were called. Even if Titus and Yuna were super lame, Auron was a bad-ass. And you, I might add, are the one who bought X-2, not me. Yes, I was the one who suckered you into it and I'm a bad person for that, but you still didn't have to do it.

Okay, now I can get back to talking to the rest of you. Should I get through it, this will also be the first game I've played all the way through in many years. I think the last one I didn't get bored with was Chrono Cross, which if you haven't played it, is a solid fucking game.

Shit, I've been talking about VII all this time, and I haven't even gotten to discussing the soundtrack. Talk about fucking epic. VIII is right up there with it, maybe even surpassing it. I may not have made it through either game at this point, but I sure as hell have played the shit out of those soundtracks. And since the games have come up in this post, Xenogears and Cross also have great soundtracks. All worth the money even though they're somewhat pricey, and don't be an ass and get bootlegs. This coming from the kid who hasn't actually purchased VII, but would if it were fucking in stock when he's looking to buy.

Correction: I just put in an order, and it should be on its way soon.

Alright, so that's really about it. As you may have surmised, the only real purpose of this post was so that I could use that title, which, yes, I have just been itching to use. That and so that I could update ETP on where I'm at and also allow the two of us to reminisce about the usual stupid bullshit without even having to talk to one another. Not like ETP gives that much of a shit about my progress; he has his own life. And by his own life, I mean Law and Order: SVU.

Yahoo search:

fuck you for tracking me your a fucking asshole my life sucks enough with out your fucking with it

Holy crap. This is another instance where you may want to seek some professional (legal and/or mental health) help instead of telling a bloody search engine your problems.

Okay, look. I'm not completely insensitive to the undescribably awful situation you're dealing with. But your daughter didn't kill herself because of the internet. She killed herself because she obviously had some serious problems. If someone is screwed up enough in the head or just has enough things wrong in their life to kill themselves, they're going to do it, help or no help.

Suzanne Gonzales seemed to have everything going for her.

Clearly she didn't, and I'm not trying to be flippant here. It's this kind of childish mentality about mental health that allows shit like this to be so prevalent. Maybe if we spent some time taking this shit seriously, these numbers would start going down.

Suicide is now the third leading cause of death among young people, the CDC reports.

On the other hand, a lot of kids are really fucking stupid, and thinning the herd might not be such a bad idea. Look, I had to go smart-ass at some point, ok?

"That's not pro-choice," Mike Gonzales said of the site. "That's brainwashing. And they are not being held responsible."

Held responsible? For what? If someone is helping procure illegal items, that's one thing. But just talking about shit isn't a crime. All this scapegoating and making excuses can't be helping the healing process. I know, I know, trying to find explanations and place blame like this is part of the grieving process, but I'm just tired of this bullshit.

Pat Robertson: retard.

GTherapy

Google search:

i hate you dad for cheating

I'm sorry, but Google hits like this are hillarious. To me, there's just an amusing sadness to doing Google searches on your fucked up life. Kinda like the girl who wanted to kill her boyfriend. I don't know if these people are looking for answers, they just need to talk to someone. Since Google is trying to take over the world anyway, they oughta start up a mental health service.

Yahoo search:

balkan super fuck

I don't know why, but I think this needs to be made into something -- a videogame or whatever, but something.

Google search:

texas is like a retarded kid with too much self-esteem

That's funny. The fact that Texas is being made fun of is good enough, but I really like the notion of an over-confident retard.

Or maybe I could just forego the whole buying a wife thing (since there's nothing creepy about that anyway) if I'd just get out of the fucking house and show off the car. Even with that, though, there's the problem that I want the car to be able to do pretty much everything for me, and as capable as it is, it's not that capable.

I'm thinking more and more that a mail-order bride might be the way to go for me. I am retarded socially; this we know. But when it comes to buying shit? I am on it. I'm not going to be an abusive fuck-off like some of the stellar individuals mentioned in that article, but as anyone can tell, I'm still not going to be the greatest husband, either. At least I look good on paper, though. She can brag to everyone about being with an engineer that makes good money, the house, the Bimmer, blah blah blah. No one she knows ever has to have anything to do with me, since they're on the other side of the fucking world. Image is all that matters to women anyway, right?

I don't exactly have $16K to be blowing right now, though, so this too is gonna have to wait. But of course, about a year ago, the whole car thing was a "bullshit pipe dream," but since money was involved I was of course able to figure it out. So like I said, this is a solid idea. A co-worker was telling me that meeting women who don't speak much English is a good way to go if you're shy, so that fits in nicely with all this. Of course, one could tell me that I just need to meet some foreign girls in more traditional ways that don't involve spending a bunch of bloody money, but that'd involve socializing and that's definitely not for me.

Lego Death Star, anyone? Should go nice with the cool but also too expensive Star Destroyer.

Sets like those aside, Lego is in such a sorry fucking place right now. I was out looking for Legos this week -- for once not for me but for someone else -- and I didn't have a ton of time, so I was only able to hit one store. I know that Lego has been in a shit state for years, but I was like, there's always at least one decent set, right? So I should be able to find something. Well, there pretty much was just one decent set in the whole fucking store (one of the Harry Potter sets). Everything else I saw made me wanna vomit. Like what the fuck is that Dino Attack shit? I didn't give those sets a close look because I didn't want to know. And then there's the Holocaust that is the Knight's Tale series. Several years ago they discontinued the castle lineup, and I was pissed. Then, they brought it back under the Knight's Tale moniker, and I was pissed. They should have just left it dead. The same goes for the pirates stuff. Ten to 15 years ago, that shit was bad-ass. Now it's resurrected as part of their 4+ lineup, and it fucks ass.

Some of the entertainment property-based sets are cool. A lot of the Star Wars ones are good, and I don't even like Star Wars that much. Some of the Harry Potter ones look decent, even though I've never read one of the books (because I'm not a child, even though in some ways I look and act like a child) or seen the movies (which I hear are decent). That should tell you something right there: the only Legos I can really get into now are for shit that I don't even like. It's like Jews playing with Nazi Legos, only way less extreme.

Actually, fuck. How cool would that be? Holocaust Legos would go great with our already planned line of September 11th toys. As I've mentioned before, I will call my toy company Depraved Indifference Toys. Our slogan? Depraved Indifference Toys: Making a Killing off of People Making a Killing.

Okay, I'm getting off track, as per usual. Back to why Lego has become the Trent Reznor of the toy industry. Okay, that's not really a fair comparison; both used to be really cool but now mostly suck, but Trent was never that cool, nor did he inspire anything other than screaming. And, okay, "really cool" is a stretch, even back in the day for Trent. But yeah, inspiration. Lego seems to have none of that anymore. It's just a bunch of stupid crap with way too many pre-fabbed pieces. I knew something was fucked up when I saw huge boxes with a piece count of, like, 12. The reason being that more and more of every set was constructed out of pre-fabbed plastic pieces and not built out of bricks by the user. That's... Fucking bullshit. Once I first noticed it, I was like, it's over. Lego will never be what it used to be.

Don't even get me started on Bionicle.

Like I said, though, there's some stuff that's decent, or even really good. There is a ton of train stuff that I'd love to get, but a lot of it is just bloody expensive. I totally need the Shinkansen and The El. And a lot of the roll your own train stuff is cool, too.

Some of the City stuff is OK, but not anywhere near as cool as it used to be. Like the fire station? Weak. Fucking. Sauce. Some of the construction stuff might be fun, but I need to get a closer look at all of it.

For some reason, I never got into the Technic stuff, but I should have. I really need this for some reason. ETP and BOETP got me the Ferrari F1 Racer, and that's BA. The only thing that's not cool is that it's Ferrari, enemy of the rest of Formula 1, including BMW. So it's still cool, I just can't feel good about it.

So yeah, there's a couple 'a sets that can float, but for the most part, the genre sucks. Some stuff has potential, but for some reason, fucking up is just in Lego's blood now. Like I just saw that they have a Viking line (which the store says is "not available in this country") which could be cool if this was 15 years ago. For me, that's when it was on. All sorts of cool shit was out. There were fun, interesting sets that didn't have a bunch of lame crap or too many pre-fabbed pieces. Going back to the mid-80s or so there was also some hard-core shit, but I unfortunately don't have much from that era.

The best set I've got? Hands down, the Black Seas Barracuda. I've got some really good sets, but this one still easily rises about the rest. This motherfucker has cannons that actually fire. I'd imagine they stopped making the cannons that could really shoot after not too long for predictable reasons -- stupid kids. Oh, and the Barracuda is big. The only ship that came close was the Skull's Eye Schooner, which I don't have but have always wanted to get my hands on if I could find one sealed. It might have been bigger and had some cooler features, but I'm convinced that it wasn't as neat as the Barracuda because I don't have one.

I have no conclusion for this, other than it's never going to be good again.

I knew when I saw a headline about Hillary Düff on tech news site The Register that there had to be something funny behind it.

I meant to comment on this a couple of days ago and totally spaced it. But it's official: George Takei cannot get any cooler. I've always loved George Takei because, as I see it, he's the anti-Shatner. William Fucking Shatner is what he is -- he serves his purpose, and he can be quite entertaining, whether laughing with him or at him. But through and through, he's a fucking douchebag. The Shat would clearly be nothing without Star Trek, and he has a definite disdain for that. When he makes fun of the fans, it's not just in jest -- there's a streak of malice in it. Now, as we all know, Star Trek dork needs to be made fun of, but there's a right way and a wrong way to do it if you're Shatner. And you know, if you're going to reject what made you a star, for fuck's sake, just separate yourself from it. Don't start writing some pathetic novels where Kirk is still alive.

Takei is just the opposite. That guy knows that he wouldn't be where he is without Trek. I'm sure that bugs him from time to time, but as yet, he rolls with it. He accepts it, has fun with it, and lets the fans know he genuinely appreciates them. Back when they were still deciding on what the next series would be (which ultimately ended up being that piece of shit Enterprise), one idea that was floated was doing a Captain Sulu show set on board the Excelsior. I always hated the prequel idea, partly because it was going backwards when everything else had moved forward (at least chronologically... Voyager was a step backwards in many other ways). But I could have gotten on board with a Sulu show. Looking back, the writers probably would have fucked it up, though, but still. Get your shit together and give that man his own show. The guy was cool before, he's even cooler to me now, and he deserves it.

I say give 'em the chair. Not just these guys, I'm talking all frat guys. Quick quiz: what's the difference between a frat guy and a piece of shit? The bucket. Seriously, the kid who died was merely doing us all a favor.

I think this woman made the right move by committing suicide. If you can't even get attention from others after you're dead and dangling in front of traffic, then it really just isn't worth it.

Fuck -- I should have just kept my mouth shut. Even though this cunt wasn't what we'd call "good," at least if that had gone through we could have moved on to our next abomination in this country. But you've gotta hand it to our government -- even for them, the bullshit was palpable throughout this affair. From the White House's pleas of "she's qualified... really!" to all of the excuses for her withdrawing when everyone knows the reasons... Christ. They piled it on thicker than the makeup that woman puts on that repulsive mug of hers.

The image is in my head, so now you have to deal with it, too

Google search:

giving birth while fucking doggy style

You're welcome.

Google search:

Freeballing Christians

I think this would make a great name for something like a minor-league baseball team. It wouldn't be as cool as the Decatur Fist, but it'd be up there.

Okay, so I have to give the Pope credit for one thing: knowing what to drive.

MSN search:

can horses eat top ramen

There were about a million search hits I was going to comment on, but seeing as how this may be the dumbest fucking search hit I've ever gotten, none of the others seem worthy of commentary by comparison. I can't even imagine what would prompt someone to ask this, other than they're retarded.

One thing's for certain: if horses can and indeed do eat Top Ramen, then that is not what's responsible for those horse cocks of theirs. If Top Ramen led to a massive schlong, I would have a dick big enough for us all to stand on with all the ramen I consumed sophomore year of college. As we all know, that's not the case -- the ladies are probably better off with a ramen noodle than my junk.

Alright, so last week was a solid week for driving. First off, one night I got bored after work, so I headed out to this long, straight country road where there usually aren't many cars. Now, in a car like a BMW, a long stretch of road with no curves is fucking boring. But you can make up for some of that if, say, you're going 130 miles an hour. Okay, so that's clearly not smart, but I was pissed and needed something to get my mind off of work for a bit, and doing a buck thirty can help in that endeavor. That's still well off that car's top speed of 155 MPH (assuming I don't get a new chip that removes the top speed limiter), but we're getting there.

That was just a precursor to... The track. This past weekend, the local chapter of the BMW Car Club of America was holding a performance driving school down in my hometown of Pueblo. And yeah, that was bad-ass. The main focus, at least for us beginners, was just getting us to learn to work the track properly. Follwing "the line," apexing at the right time, proper braking, weight transfer, etc. Just taking all sorts of basics and puttig them together to work our way up to being able to drive fast and well. So that meant that things started out slowly, but by the end of the day, I was getting up some good speeds. Not 130 mile-an-hour speeds, but still pretty fast, and doing most of it where Bimmers excel -- in the turns.

If you've got a decent car, I'm telling you: get yourself some performance rubber (if you don't already have it) and hit the track. That's a solid way to spend a day. It's nice because your only concern is one that you normally have when you're driving like a shithead -- not fucking up your car. Otherwise, though, you can be as fast and aggressive as you want without the consequences or hazards of normal street driving, and that's neat.

Part of the driving school was classroom instruction, and that was worth it just for the horror stories we got to hear, like one incident that the instructor had recently seen. Someone was flying through a corner in their 911, and they ended up sliding off the track sideways into a wall. And they did it with such force that the engine was ejected from the car. In the words of Oak Express, that's not natural. But I'm sure they were able to fix that car up. Then there was the story about a guy who had gotten one of the first E36 M3s (the E36 3-series being the generation preceding mine), and while on the track he got off a bad shift, doing something like going into second when he meant to go into fourth -- a so-called "money shift." Needless to say, that was the end of that engine. The amusing part, though, was that since it was one of the first E36 M3 cars out there, BMW's engineers were very anxious to get their hands on the destroyed engine, so they cut the guy a deal on a new engine.

Luckily, I have no horror stories to tell from this outing. The worst I came away with was things that were expected -- like brake and tire tread wear. And speaking of the tires, yeah, those things are fucking great. They definitely saved me a time or two when I came into a turn a little too hot. There was one time that the instructor who was riding along with me was even impressed at how much grip they had. It's sad, though, because I'm going to have to swap tires here in a little over a week now that the cold weather is starting to set in. My snow tires, Pirelli SnowSport 240s, aren't too bad in terms of grip, but of course they're not the Bridgestone Potenzas I'm running on in warm weather. I don't wanna have to move anywhere at this point in time, but if I've actually sat there thinking that if I was ever compelled to move somewhere like the west coast or somewhere further south, it wouldn't be so bad because I could keep summer tires on year-round.

One of the best parts of the day was one where I wasn't even driving. After lunch, they had a session where the instructors drove us around the track in their cars, and I lucked out and got to ride in an E46 M3. Holy shit. The raw speed of that car combined with an experienced driver who could work the track well was quite a bit of fun. Well, okay, the first lap you're just kinda scared out of your mind even though you know that the driver knows what they're doing, and then after that it's just fun.

So yeah, that's my excitement for the time being. I would say that I pay way too much for that car, but it's so bloody entertaining that it's worth it to me. Hey, everyone's gotta have their hobbies. Some just make us bigger assholes than the rest.

Wow, I haven't posted shit lately. There are 11 posts currently on my front page. Remember when I could do 11 posts in a day? This is more on you than it is on me, though. You're not doing a good enough job of keeping me entertained, so I can't be bothered to post. Hey, motherfucker, I've got shit to do. Granted, here is my list of "shit" in no particular order: work, internet, drive. Although it's only three things, that's a pretty significant amount of time. I actually do work, and since it's been one shitstorm after another that only I can handle at work, that's just killing me. It wouldn't be so bad if not for that whole internet problem, but, you know. Well, you probably don't, and that's better for you. Driving I'll get to in a minute. Just to get caught up, here's some random shit I've been thinking of commenting on but haven't, so we'll just go lightning round on everything's ass.

This Supreme Court bullshit. Personally, I think it's pretty funny. I mean, once I strip away the fact that these shitheads are all going to fuck up our lives. But that's just a given with Team Bush in charge. Seriously, though, what is funnier than how pissed conservatives are over Harriet Miers? I have built my life on being a spoiled little brat, but I have never seen anyone who can push being spoiled as far as conservatives. They don't get exactly what they want, and they start pissing and moaning. "We don't know how she's gonna vote!" She's a fucking evangelical Christian. A Bush crony. Shit, she calls Bush the most brilliant man she's ever met. She's an idiot who clearly doesn't know what the fuck she's talking about, so she's bound to vote the way that you want her to, you stupid shitheads. "She's unqualified!" Of course she's unqualified -- she's a Bush appointee! So yeah, it's not good, but I say just let her pass. Even with as bad of a choice as this is, I think we got off relatively light. Scalia isn't Chief Justice, and they didn't find Scalia Jr. to fill the other seat (even if she might end up just as bad). Oh, and if Ann Coulter is flaming pissed, fuck it. It's worth it just for that.

It's also funny to see TB floundering like it is these days. People are pissed about the war (way to get your ass to the table, America... It's only been a couple of years). Ratings are low. Half of the Republican party is a bunch of walking malcontents over the Miers nomination. The prosecutor that Bush fucking picked might indict Rove and/or Scooter Libby (any grown man who chooses to go by "Scooter" is already guilty of a capital crime in my book). Hurricane Katrina. I know it's not going to happen, and that they're gonna get out of and away with it all, but it'd be so much fun to watch them just fucking implode. Man, what great leaders. It's a shame we haven't had any recent chances to make changes in our so-called leadership. But that's on the Democrats for fielding someone who should have been on the practice squad and not the starting quarterback.

The World Series. Every fucking year, it gets worse as to who I want to see lose more. This year, Houston and the fucking Sox. I have to hate Houston for myriad reasons, chief among them the fact that they're Houston. Fuck Texas. And Roger Clemens. Also, being a Cubs fan, I have to hate everyone else in the NL Central anyway. But on the other hand, I don't want to see a championship come to Chicago if it's because of the fucking south-siders. How lame is that? Once the riots start, I hope they at least burn down the Sears Tower. The 'Cock for life.

I'm gonna break the driving shit into another post, because I all know how much you love it when I talk about my car.

Yay for more fucked up Google hits

Spam:

Picturesque young girls bang tough

That got me thinking: is there a porno out there called Bangin' Tough? If so, it's gotta star the New Kids on the Cock. And, wait, that doesn't sound good.

Well, now we have dolphins and camels down

So the American Society of Magazine Editors put together a list of what they felt were the 40 greatest magazine covers from the last 40 years. Some of them are interesting, and this is one of the greatest things ever put to print. From The Economist, no less.

"9 out of 10 men who try camels still prefer women."
- T-shirt

ETP can add a grammar discussion to the list of bullshit that needs to go down at my funeral should I die before him

When I first saw the link for this article, which simply read "Former 'SNL' comedian commits suicide," the first thing that popped into my mind was "Please let it be Jim Breuer." And since the world blows, it wasn't Jim Breuer, but someone I've never even heard of, or heard of and forgot about.

...according to the Internet Movie Database

Like I said. You know you're pretty famous when the article writer doesn't know who the fuck you are, and just trusts what IMDB has to say about you.

On a more serious note, seriously, who the fuck commits suicide by slashing their own throat? And, as the article stands right now (where it says "Ex-'SNL' player Charles Rocket a suicide"), is it proper grammer to refer to someone as "a suicide"? That doesn't sound right. I guess it sort of sounds right to say that someone was "a homicide," but it still seems off. Because, you know, these are the questions to be asked when someone has died.

Google search:

engineer fucks chick

Yeah, that should turn up a ton of solid results.

Here's the deal: if a bunch of stupid kids and their even stupider parents want to drop thousands -- or tens of thousands -- of dollars on fucking prom, let them. Now, I'm not defending excess, but being me, I am not condemning it, either. But to take a stand against it with a bunch of rich fucks? Yeah, that oughta do a lot.

... Laine said just before hopping into his jet-black Infiniti...

Like I said. And besides, what people do with their money is really up to them, even if it makes them fucking pricks for doing it.

Okay, thinking more about it, I'm a bit torn. I were in charge, I'd probably end up sending all these people to concentration camps. The fact that I'm bringing up Nazi-esque tactics shows why I'll never be in charge, of course, but that's beside the point for this discussion. Like I said, I can't do too much bitching about people blowing money on unnecessary shit, but c'mon. Anyone who takes prom too seriously is a fucking retard. So yeah, it's not the excess that bothers me, it's the stupid. And someone should take a stand, but it's really not the school's place to do so.

Maybe it's just because I do everything wrong, but I never saw the big deal with prom. I went to my senior one just so that I could say I went. I didn't have a girlfriend (shocking), and I didn't get laid (ibid) or go to any raging keggers, so maybe that's why it seems meaningless to me. But even if I had gone all-out, looking back, I don't see how it could have been as monumentally important as some people make it out to be. It's one of those things that's billed to be really huge but in reality isn't. Are there any adults out there who look back on prom as a watershed moment in their life? If so, you too can hop on board the train to Auschwitz.

As if we didn't need more proof that they're not serious about Bond films anymore. I pretty much stopped caring once they stopped making them R-rated, but this is just yet another nail in the coffin. Once Clive Owen's name was floated, that should have been it. That's like Samuel L. Jackson as Shaft -- it just had to be done. And it wasn't done. Look, I have no idea what the deal with Daniel Craig is, and I don't care.

Granted, Clive Owen, in many ways, will always be The Driver to me. Doing his Bimmer commercials, errr, short films, running away from bad guys, tossing Madonna around in the backseat of his M5 like the cheap whore she is... Yeah. But still, the guy is so smooth that he could have gotten me interested in Bond movies again. I don't dig guys, but if for some reason I absolutely had to have sex with a guy and also had a say in the matter, I would totally do Clive Owen. He's definitely in Orlando Bloom territory.

This entire family should be killed execution style and buried in shallow graves. The same goes for anyone like that. As if the world isn't full of enough stupid people as it is.

Christ, everything about those people is appalling. They have a bunch of kids. They want more. They're ugly. That woman's hair is ugly, so ugly it deserves special mention aside from how ugly the rest of her is. They like Jesus. All their kids' names start with the same initial. Couples with two or three kids whose names start with the same letter are already asking for a beating -- but 16 is unforgivable.

This is also further proof that if there is a god, which there isn't, he is a huge fucking asshole. I mean, think about it. There are countless couples out there who want one -- just one -- child, but are unable to have one for some reason or other. A lot of those people are probably retards, and we're better off with them not having kids anyway. But there are probably a lot of people who are deserving of being cut a break on the child front, but no. Meanwhile, The Loosest Cunt in the World and her stupid husband get to have all they want.

Okay, so I have a personal policy when it comes to e-mail forwards. I never forward on something that someone else sends me, and more often than not, I don't even read them. I know I'm missing out on some good jokes, but you know me and my ultra-busy schedule. But I got one recently that I found somewhat amusing, so I thought I'd share. And this is still in line with my forwards policy since I'm not e-mailing it to anyone. Considering me and the type of people who come here (showboatin' libs), many of you may have already seen this, entitled "Ethics Test":

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.
By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand
morally. No one else will know, so you won't be fooling anyone
but yourself if you give anything but a truthful answer. The
test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which
you will have to make a decision. Remember, your answer needs to
be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please read slowly and thoughtfully, giving due consideration to
each line.

Here's the situation:

You are in Florida; Miami to be specific. There is chaos all
around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This ! is a
flood of Biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working
for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this
epic disaster.

The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot
career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around
you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all
of its destructive fury.

Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting
for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You
move closer... somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly
realize who it is.

It's George W. Bush, President of the United States !! At the
same time you notice that the raging waters &n! bsp; are about to take him
under... forever. You have two& nbsp; options - you can save the life of
G.W. Bush, or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning
photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful
men.

So here's the question, and please give an honest answer:

Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with
the classic simplicity of black and white?

Dog balls.

New York is stupid

Okay, so if you've been around here long enough, you know that I once declared flash mobs to pretty much be the dumbest fucking thing ever and the end of all civilization. Well, as it turns out, I was wrong, because we have a new indication that this must be the end. I present to you, dear readers, the cuddle party.

Insert sighing sounds, rolling eyes, and head in hands. This is... There almost aren't words to describe how bloody retarded this is. The whole notion is that it's flying in the face of modern society, blasting out against our inborn puritanism, but what it is, in the end, is a bunch of people who won't admit that they just want to have sex.

Because that's what this is about, plain and simple. Repressed morons. Fucking losers. It's people who have bought into society's bullshit, and in the name of saying they're not afraid they do something that shows how afraid they are. And the fact that they bring it all back to when we were kids... Jesus, this is fucked up.

If you've been to a cuddle party, you need to kill yourself. If you're thinking of going to a cuddle party, think of killing yourself. Then kill yourself. With all the shit going on out there, if this is how you choose to waste your time, I promise you, we don't need you.

I know what some of you are saying. "Oh, BLM, you're just being a dick because you're like that and you hate cuddling and blah blah blah." Please, cut the fucking shit. I am all for cuddling, but not if it's retarded. Cuddle parties are retarded, and they are attended and "facilitated" by retards.

So, what does this have to do with New York being stupid? I made the mistake of watching an episode of CSI: NY. We all know how much I fucking hate the original CSI. The Miami spin off is kinda funny since David Caruso sucks, but I still won't watch it. I allow the New York version to exist just because I'm down with Gary Sinise, who is not related to "That Arliss Show!" It too sucks since, if for no other reason, it's CSU, not CSI. Yes, this is review. All you need to do is watch one of the boring-ass lab scenes with the really intense music to know what bullshit the franchise is. "Wow, the cotton swab turned pink! I just came!" I've never worked in a medical lab, but I've worked in labs doing science shit, and tust me: it's fun for the people doing the work, and for no one else alive. Anyway, tonight's episode had a scene with a cuddle party. At the beginning of the scene, I thought it was an orgy, and I was like "New York is cool." Then when I found out that it wasn't an orgy but in fact a dumbfuck party, I was like, title of post.

Linked off that cuddle party site is this abomination. Footie pajamas suck. I hated them as a kid, and I always insisted that my mom or grandma cut the damn feet off before I would wear them. "Gee, you sound like you were a fun kid." You're a riot? Fuck you -- I was a fucking riot. Anyway, adults have no business wearing footie pajamas. Grow the fuck up, and keep in mind this is coming from a guy who still buys toys and as yet is completely right.