I'm not sure if this venture is going to pan out.

"Young men these days grew up with character goods. That generation feels no embarrassment about wearing Hello Kitty."

You probably wanna be pretty damn sure about that before you jump into anything too costly. While we do have a lot in common, though, I wouldn't presume to say that I have an intimate knowledge of the Japanese male's mindset. So maybe this will work but I just get a feeling it won't. Even with as strong as my feminine side is I can't see myself wearing anything Hello Kitty, and if I won't do it then you're pretty much fucked. Hell, I don't even have any Hello Kitty merchandise at this point (although there are supposed to be some Hello Kitty-themed Pinkys coming out next year). I mean how exactly do you get Hello Kitty to appeal to guys who want to have sex with chicks?

According to the Associated Press, the iconic mouth-less cat will be given a "more rugged, cool look to appeal to men in their teens and early 20s" for the first time.

You've gotta wonder what the omnipresent Sanrio has up their sleeve to accomplish that makeover. Then you realize that any such endeavor can only turn out adorable and then I think we're back to where we started.

Honestly the only way I can see to market this to guys is so that they have something in common with girls who are into Hello Kitty, but that's probably a creepy route to go (as evidenced by the fact that I thought of it).

There are two types of internet t-shirt stores out there: ones that are clever and ones that just think they're clever. While some were lame I found some of the shirts at Busted Tees to be pretty funny, so I'll let them sit on the "clever" pile. I was particularly fond of soccer.

While we're on the subject of toys, or whatever, here's Cracked's list of The 5 Least Surprising Toy Recalls of All Time.

Okay, so this may officially be the dirtiest thing I've ever seen:


What is that, aside from yet another figure of a young anime girl in a provocative pose? If you didn't look closely enough, look at that box down beneath her, uh, box... Between her knees. It's a pencil sharpener. Look, as usual I'm not passing judgment here on the Japanese since we share a lot of fetishes/mental issues. When I "complain" that it's "dirty" that complaint comes with a good dose of amusement and laughter. But I do recognize that it's messed up, at least to people who don't have the issues that we do. I mean, as if the pose isn't bad enough, she's got her hand on her little ass, almost... Nevermind.

Considering the series that she comes from, Kodomo no Jikan (Child's Time), the toy, errr, office supply, whatever, is actually pretty appropriate. Both the anime and manga are pretty dirty. The series revolves around Rin, featured in the above shown pencil sharpener, a precocious girl who has the hots for her third-grade homeroom teacher and tortures him in all sorts of naughty ways. Yes, third-grade. I don't know how exactly the Japanese school system works but the character is like 9 years old. Some of you are shocked, and some of you know that's just par for the course with Japan. Anyway the show/comic is not outright porn, but again, it's dirty. You know, in a cute sort of way. Which makes it even dirtier.

It is fairly entertaining, though, and not just because I'm a pervert; I've watched a couple of the episodes of the TV show and read translations of some of the manga. While the basic premise is the whole naughty lil schoolgirl thing, there actually is story, character development, and depth to the series, or at least there was with as far as I got in the manga. The manga was created by a woman, which I also find interesting because at first blush you'd expect for something like this to be created by a man as a simple pedo fantasy.

You won't be able to buy the manga at any point soon here in the States (at least not in English) after the American distributor for the title pussed out and pulled it all thanks to a shitstorm kicked up by the blowhard who writes the "Hey, Answerman!" column on Anime News Network.

Probably without having seen a single page of the manga this moron and a bunch of other moral grand-standers in forums started this huge controversy over the title, calling it "lolicon" and "virtual child porn" and blah blah blah. For anyone unfamiliar with lolicon, here's a quick primer. True, balls-out lolicon manga and anime involves the showing of genitals, sex, all that fun stuff. With kids. So yeah, it's messed up, but it's fucking cartoons. Maybe a bad choice of words there, but you know what I'm getting at.

At this point I should probably go full disclosure and point out that I haven't seen a whole lot of real lolicon stuff. Yeah, I really need to edit this site's header to just reflect that I merely have a lolita complex but I'm not a collector of that genre. 'Cause, you know, that makes me seem like a more balanced individual. Okay so I did that and now I'm a normal person fit for polite society.

Anyway we can sit down and have a discussion about lolicon and its merits or lack thereof, but what was really stupid about this whole thing is that Kodomo no Jikan is not kiddie porn and it is not lolicon. Again, I would know that because I've actually read enough of it to get a feel for just how naughty it is. At most it's a bit worse than a lot of stuff that's already on the shelves and considered "mainstream." It's dirty, but it's not that dirty. Maybe too dirty for Puritan America, but of course Puritan America is stupid.

There are a whole lot of d-bags on eBay. The worst of them I simply refer to as "soulless cocksuckers on eBay." Take this item, for instance. For anyone like me who played with real Transformers in the 80s, it is plain as day that the toy shown there is far from a "re-issue". Upon inspecting the packaging though, I am almost tempted to buy it:


Why am I tempted to pick up that gem? Isn't it obvious? It's because he is HUGE EXTREMELY. In fact he is so HUGE EXTREMELY that it says so on the package twice. You don't fuck with that.

Here's a couple of Jesus tidbits for ya. First up are these retarded people.

"We're good Christian people."

With all due respect to Mr. Clemens, suppose you were a good Christian person. And suppose you were an idiot. But I repeat myself. Seriously, is there any wonder that us elitists mock your beliefs by calling them superstitions? Furthermore, if those people are giving up their phone numbers with 666 prefixes, can I have one of them? How fucking sweet would that be?

Then there's this next article. I could go on and on about it but really I'd just be repeating myself and as you all know I have a strict policy against that. All I will say is you get what you pay for.

And so the 53-year-old accountant from the Tampa, Florida, area...

Okay, I do have to comment on that, because the fact that that woman is an accountant is pretty hilarious. Stay the fuck away from my 1040, lady.

Asshole +1

So, what else is new with me? Well, there's this:



What is that? That is an E92 BMW 335i. Actually that picture doesn't quite do the color justice:





Those are closer but you really need to see Montego Blue Metallic in person to really appreciate it. It's no Imola Fucking Red (unavailable on this car), but it's still pretty damn sharp.

Anyway got her last week. The lease was about up on my E46 330i, so I was left with the decision to either cut back on my spending and get something cheaper and more practical or I could continue to be spoiled and wasteful. Since I have problems (see previous post, or, shit, any previous posts), well, we already know what route I took.

I got the car pretty well equipped, and it has a manual transmission, of course, even if I am still a pretty shitty stick driver. I may not be cool, but I fucking could be if I could get my shit together!

I decided to go the coupe route since I'm not a huge fan of the E90 3 Series sedan's styling -- I mean it's nice but not great:



I don't care much for the "painted eyebrows" headlights and the fact that the tops of the twin-kidney grille are actually attached to the hood. Also I couldn't get too excited about that body style after coming off of an E46 ZHP, which is one of the best-looking cars ever. For reference, here's what I was driving:



Then there's the E90's rear view:



At one point ETP commented that with those tail lights the car looks like it's clenching its ass. He's absolutely right, and after he said that I was like, I can never get one of those.

Those things combined with the fact that the E92 coupe fixes all of the issues I have with the E90 sedan plus there being no insurance difference between the sedan and coupe made the choice easy on that front.

There are some things I do miss about my old car (I was actually very close to just buying out the lease on it). And I have a handful of small complaints about the new car. Like, for instance, there is STILL no simple "off" switch or button for the climate controls, just like with my E46. I have to press the fan speed button several times to get it to shut off. The fucking 5 series has an off button, but why can't they give us on on the 3er?

So yeah, pretty much any issues I have are minor and everything is overcome by that car's engine: a 3.0 liter, inline 6-cylinder twin turbo that puts out 300 hp and 300 lb-ft. of torque. That peak torque is available from 1,400 to 5,000 if you need it.

It's a bit of an adjustment. I'm going from 235 naturally aspirated horses to 300 turbocharged. At altitude that just magnifies the difference since a naturally aspirated engine will lose about 3% of its power per thousand feet in altitude (I'm around 5,000) and a turbo isn't going to lose as much. So that's pretty neat and I think turbocharging is my new best friend (sorry ETP).

As a result of all that the car is just stupid fast. I'm seriously trying hard not to flog her too much since you are supposed to break in a car gently (or at least according to the owner's manual and its break-in regimen; but I keep getting differing opinions on this). Like take for instance a moment I had on the highway last weekend. I was probably doing about 85 (75 zone, so 10 over like most everyone else) and there was a car on my ass. So I decided to punch it a bit and hop over a couple lanes to get the car off my ass. After not too long of a time I look down and the speedometer is reading 120. Fuck. I think I was on a slight downhill at that point but still hitting a buck twenty that easily is just ridiculous. It was at that point that I started to develop a healthy fear for what that car is capable of.

So anyway, yeah, that's my new toy. And hopefully my mom or anyone else I'm related to is reading this since they too have anxiety issues.

Sidepedaling

Okay, so watching boxing is boring, but that doesn't necessarily mean that boxing itself is boring. During the summer I was going out jogging to get exercise, but now that it's cold and icy out, I'm not fucking doing that anymore. Plus I hate jogging anyway.

Since I needed to find some other means of exercise, so I decided to give boxing a try and got myself an instructional DVD and one of these. I figure hey, why not try something that could be a good workout and potentially relieve stress at the same time? Something comes along that pisses me off so I just go and beat the shit out of the heavy bag for awhile. Sounds like a plan.

Actually lately I haven't been getting all pissed off to the point where I want to go beat the shit out of something. Okay, well, despite my temper and short fuse I really don't ever get that pissed anyway. Seriously.

Still though, I'm always high-strung and frequently stressed even when it's unwarranted sometimes, so what gives? Maybe it's the anti-anxiety meds I'm on to try and help combat my shyness. The medication I'm on is a benzodiazepine, and benzos are a CNS depressant. Apparently the way they combat anxiety is by putting me to sleep, and then I can't be anxious while I'm asleep. And then I'm also too tired to be stressed. Better living, or sleeping, through chemistry.

Seriously it was wearing me down so much that I finally had to cut back to just one dose a day in the evening. When I was taking one in the morning too I would be dragging ass all day at work, on several occasions nearly falling asleep while someone was talking to me. That's not good.

I almost didn't start taking them after reading about the potential side effects and withdrawal and shit. Yeah, I was too anxious to take my anti-anxiety meds. Hey, read some of that shit and tell me that you wouldn't have some anxiolytic anxiety. Finally, though, I thought to myself, hey, risk is part of the game if you wanna sit in that chair, so I finally got going with the meds.

Not sure if they're really doing anything after several weeks aside from making me feel like I'm drunk without any of the fun parts (in addition to making me sleepy they can also make me feel a bit lightheaded). Of course sitting at home alone most of the time hasn't exactly given me much of a chance to do serious field-testing. So far though if I'm around a big group I feel pretty much the same as always.

Okay, I guess maybe I do feel a bit more relaxed when I'm out and about though. And my moods are a bit more even than they were before. Of course when I say "before" I'm referring to when I was starting to take the medication, and I would have a lot of mood swings. Of course I could be that way before, so it's hard to say what the fuck is going on.

In the end though I don't have seriously high hopes for this latest experiment. Of course, I recognize that meds aren't going to actually solve my problems, I have to do that on my own. And maybe that's part of the problem. Well okay that's the whole problem. But what I was referring to is that maybe people who think that their prozac is going to fix their problems can actually bullshit themselves enough to where they get their shit together and get to work on doing something.

I've been on anti-depressant medications at two other points in my life and they didn't do shit. Then there was a short stint where I was seeing a therapist and he was always coming up with ways for me to combat my social anxiety and I would always shoot them down. It got so bad that he actually said he didn't know if there was any point in coming in for any more sessions. That's right; I am so stubborn and difficult that my brain is completely resilient to chemical changes and I had a therapist give up on me. So that's probably not good either.

Barack Obama: retard. I hope there's more to this or this comment was taken out of context because if not that's a pretty stupid thing for a supposedly smart man to say. I mean, seriously, how many toys out there come from China?

China, which makes about 80 percent of the world's toys...

Gee, that seems like quite a lot. Why not just say you wanna shut the whole industry down?

Man, every fucking candidate sucks balls. Well, most of them. I think I wanna get on board with Ron Paul. For some reason I had discounted him at one point but I think I need to re-evaluate that. Although running under the Republican flag the guy's really a libertarian and I'm down with that. If nothing else, if someone put a gun to my head and said "pick one" I think he'd be my choice. Not that that's a ringing endorsement or anything, but that's the shit landscape we've got here in this country.

And what is with the sudden surge of Mike Fuckabee? Just what this already ignorant country needs, a Baptist minister president.

Not Outstanding

So here's an instance of kids doing the stupid kind of shit that kids do where they should be going to jail. Along with the needless death of a little girl this raises several other issues and questions:

1. Bring on all the d-bags who like to rant and rave about videogames and violence. Video games don't make kids dumb and make them do stupid shit, those kids were stupid already.
2. The girl being charged in this case is cute and a couple years away from being legal and now may end up spending her more attractive years rotting behind bars.
3. If indeed that was the game they were playing, who the fuck plays Mortal Kombat anymore these days?

Addendum: Okay, so it looks like it may not have been the video game after all, that's just what they called their "wrestling" sessions. Not like that really matters; either way this is fucked up. But of course that really goes without saying.

If nothing else at least the choice was ballsier than "You"

Hey guys: shut the fuck up. Man Person of the Year isn't always complimentary. Hitler, Stalin (twice), and Bono have all won the award for fuck's sake. Not the best company to be in. Of course I wouldn't expect that you guys would notice this fact, because you were too busy with this shit:

"Clearly General Petraeus is the person, or one of a few people, who would certainly merit that designation," the former Massachusetts governor added.
...
“I noticed that Time Magazine made President Putin the Time Magazine ‘Man of the Year,’” McCain said, according to NBC. “I understand that probably, but my man of the year is one Gen. David Petraeus, our general who has brought success in Iraq.”

I realize that I get pissed a lot, usually for no good reason, but there are few things that make my blood boil quicker than pandering.

LOL like OMFG u guys Jamie Lynn Spears is preganant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I absolutely abhor celebrity gossip but for about a million reasons I've gotta talk about this one. Seriously this is like the most fucking hilarious thing to happen in awhile. I mean, who would have thought that by year's end that Britney would be the kid in that family who isn't the biggest fuck-up?

Well OK maybe she still is. Tough call really. She's still a shitty mom and had to shave her head to beat drug tests and lost custody of her kids to fucking K-Dirt. All that on top of the fact that she had kids with that guy to begin with. That plus she's like soooo incredibly fat now that like no guy would bang her, except for pretty much any straight guy with a pulse. But at least she didn't get knocked up at 16! Or at least that's what she'll be telling herself.

If nothing else the heat is off of her for awhile until she screws up again and gets back into the spotlight.

Spears, who turned 16 on April 4 and says she is 12 weeks into her pregnancy, told the magazine she plans to raise her child in Louisiana, "so it can have a normal family life."

Best of luck with that one!

Then of course there's the "what about the children" angle (I got through two of those before I just couldn't take it anymore; if there are any gems in there please let me know via comments). This is funny to me because a bunch of candy-ass parents probably are freaking out about what to tell their kids. If I've learned one thing about parents it's that a lot of them really hate having to do the fucking job they signed up for.

So while this is freaking awesome for most of the rest of us, that kid who got her pregnant probably isn't finding it too funny. Not only is he gonna be a daddy before he can even legally buy the alcohol to drown those sorrows, but people are already talking statch charges for him. Hopefully it doesn't go beyond talk though.

I'm sure the kid's a real winner and all but I most kids don't deserve what Genarlow Wilson had to go through. Getting thrown in the slam for 10 and having to register as a sex offender for "aggravated child molestation" for getting blown by a girl two years younger than you when you're 17? Now granted they finally got the guy released but they certainly took their sweet time about it.

Now, this is the last country on earth I expect to get our sex laws right. And no, I'm not gonna make any kinda case for guys my age to be knocking up 16-year-olds, but calling someone a child molester when, at least from a legal standpoint, they're still a child is pretty fucking dumb. Just to throw more anecdotal evidence out there I seem to recall a case where an underage girl took nude photos of herself for her boyfriend and she got hit with child porn charges. That seems pretty reasonable.

Kids are gonna be kids and unfortunately are gonna do stupid shit. We'd rather they not, but in cases like these, they don't deserve jail and the sex offender tag for it.

Just to keep my street cred up here, what the hell happened to Jamie Lynn Spears anyway? I mean besides the pregnancy thing. Didn't she used to be cute? Maybe it's just all the makeup in that picture. If it is then that's just one more reason why I'm banning most, if not all, of that shit once I'm in charge.

I find myself in all sorts of odd places politically. In some ways I'm becoming more conservative. I'm down with moderate Republicans and even though I haven't pulled the trigger on it yet I'm still planning on becoming a gun owner. Fear not though, because in other ways I'm becoming more liberal. One such issue is the death penalty. I'm down with Jersey's decision to abolish the death penalty.

"Society must ask," he continued, "is it not morally superior to imprison 100 people for life than it is to execute all 100 when it's probable we execute an innocent?"

And that's pretty much the crux of it. As much as I am for killing assholes, the fact is that some innocent are going to slip through the cracks and that just completely goes against the ideals that we at least think this country was founded upon. As the saying goes (and as echoed by Corzine; hope he's wearing his fucking seat belt now), it's better to let a hundred guilty men go free than to wrongfully imprison one innocent. The notion of executing even one single innocent person is just completely wrong and I can't rationalize that one away in any sort of "justice" system. Plus at least imprisonment can be reversed.

The bill was introduced in November after a state commission concluded capital punishment was an ineffective deterrent to crime.

See I never really cared about it being a deterrent, and I also didn't need a study to tell me that the death penalty wasn't one. I was just all for getting rid of people we don't need, and of course, that Biblical need for revenge. Pretty much if it's that kind of shit coming from those corners of my mind it's probably bad.

I think of people like Jesse Timmendequas, and I'm like, yeah, just kill that guy. But as I've said before, being a child killer and/or child molester in prison has got to be way worse than death. No one wants to die, but not one wants to be that guy on the fucking prison totem pole, so life in prison is more satisfying of a punishment in the end for some of the more heinous crimes. But I guess in a way we're back to that whole revenge thing since I think that's a harsher punishment, aren't we? So is the death penalty good again? Shit.

Somewhat old news, but this is pretty fucking stupid. I'd expect this to stir up some controversy. But an arrest? Hey, Madison, Wisconsin police, how fucking stupid are you?

What happens when you say 'bomb' in an airport? That's free speech, isn't it?" he said. "And people are taken into custody for that all the time."

Oh yeah, that fucking stupid. I'd tell you to look up "clear and present danger" but you'd probably think I'm referring to the movie you dumbfuck.

Most likely this was a joke. Maybe not the best way to get your point across but whatever. And if it wasn't a joke? OK, fine, so they guy's a Klebold and Harris sympathizer. That's not a crime. And it certainly didn't sound like some kind of threat, either.

The comment disturbed at least one teacher, who called police in West Bend, 40 miles north of Milwaukee and home of the blog's administrator.

That's pretty awesome. You can get thrown in the can for "disturbing" someone. Jesus R. Christ, would some of you people grow a fucking sack?

Police traveled to arrest Buss at his home in Cudahy, south of Milwaukee, last week after the blogger gave them the anonymous poster's IP address.

Also speaking of needing to grow a sack, at least potentially, I wonder how much of a fight this blogger put up before he rolled and gave up the IP address? I'm guessing the cops threatened him and shit and he pussed out. I'm not saying that I wouldn't have too, but I'm a self-admitted coward so that's not helping this guy's case any.

I always hate for my most recent post to be one of those oh-woe-is-me despite the fact that I'm more fortunate than the vast majority of people out there pity parties, even though the better part of my life as been precisely one of those posts. So here's something funny to lighten the mood back up.

As I've mentioned before, I became a fan of the web comic Overcompensating. My enthusiasm for the strip has waned, though, just because I'm getting really sick of his preachy ass liberal bullshit. I'm like, dude, I get it -- and I agree with you on a lot of this stuff. But can you knock it off and just be funny? Or at least go back to doing Wigu on a regular basis?

He did have one really funny comic a couple weeks back though that involved no left-wing preachiness, and it was funny because it's absolutely true.

eMisery

So after all these years of blogging it should be pretty obvious that I'm, like, one of the loneliest motherfuckers out there (my new girlfriend not withstanding). If I'm a straight guy blogging about the guys I'd have sex with if I had to, I've gotta be pretty lonely. I know you're probably thinking "closet case..." but that's just not it. Despite the shopping habit, despite always wanting to dress nice, despite enjoying decorating, despite the Pinky Street obsession, despite taking an hour every fucking morning just to get showered and dressed, I'm still attracted to women and not guys.

And I'm sure most are like, well yeah duh you're lonely, have you paid any attention to what you're like? But c'mon, I'm not that bad. A handful of really good people have enjoyed having me around. And a bunch of total dooshebags haven't, but hey, that's life.

Or maybe I am that bad. I look back over the years, and only once has a friend even made a half-assed kinda-sorta attempt to set me up with someone. You would think that for a guy who is pretty smart, has a master's degree in something useful, has a good job, has a mortgage instead of a lease, is nearing his second new BMW in three years, and is actually a pretty caring and entertaining and decent guy despite all the sarcasm and bitching and other issues, that someone, at some point, would have thought I'd be a good guy for someone else and I'd have gotten some help. But apparently I have so much bad that it way more than cancels out all the good. So in the end that really tells me all that I need to know about myself.

Of course it's not everyone else's job to fix my solitude issues. It'd be nice, but the responsibility is still mine. Of course, being painfully fucking shy doesn't help much, either. I did start taking an anti-anxiety medication recently, so we'll see if that helps calm me in social situations. So far all it's managed to do is make me even more sleepy during the day than I normally am.

If things continue like this, though, I think I'm gonna end up a Type B Bisexual male. The way I see it, there are two types of bi guys: A) guys who are truly attracted to both men and women, and B) guys who are willing to settle. You know, some guys go out looking for pussy, they'll settle for dick. Unless if I'd rather stay alone, eventually I'm going to have to settle for something, whether it be dick or something else sub-optimal. Guess that would serve me right for all these years of being a spoiled prick. I've gotten damn near everything else I've wanted but no one can have it all.

But who knows, maybe it's not completely bleak. This past weekend ETP was trying to encourage me to sign up for an online dating site. Which kinda makes sense. I'm obviously not going to be able to find someone in the ways most people have for hundreds of years. Plus I'm good at spending money after all (which leads me to strongly consider a mail-order bride).

So the first two sites that came to mind were eHarmony and match.com. I go to eHarmony, and look at their "I'm an X looking for an X" dropdown boxes. The only options are a guy looking for a girl or vice versa. No love for the queers. Despite not being at the Type B stage (yet), I was still kinda put off by the implicit homophobia they showed.

So I go over to Match, and at the bottom of their front page is some kind of ad for Dr. Phil. So back to eHarmony.

And hey, why not? They do match you on 29 dimensions of something or other. And if there are three things I trust in this world, it's a soft-spoken but mildly creepy old man claiming that he can help me find the love of my life, psychology, and programmers writing code to match me up with said love of my life.

As far as the latent homophobia? Well, maybe with their supposed system they just don't feel like they have the expertise to be making matches for homosexual couples. Already an apologist, yeah, but at least I'm not aligning myself with Dr. Phil.

It's only been a few days so far, but not much luck at this point. Got a couple decent matches, like a girl who is around my age and is 4'8", but she wasn't interested. Today one of my new matches that showed up was a very cute Japanese girl who unfortunately lives in Canada. Still waiting to hear back from her but not exactly holding out a ton of hope there.

So yeah, that was probably ninety bucks wasted. If anything comes of this endeavor you will all be the first to know, because fire and brimstone will start raining from the sky and Jesus will make his long-awaited return appearance.

I really hate boxing. Yeah, that's right, I don't "get" the sweet science. That's because the sweet science is fucking boring. I saw live boxing once in my life, and that was during a horrible night in Vegas. I didn't think it was possible to have a horrible night in Vegas (at least, not with how I roll), but it is and boxing played a part in that.

About the only thing boxing has going for it is Oscar de la Hoya. How does a guy get to be that good-looking, especially when his job is to get punched in the head? He is definitely on my list of men I'd have sex with if for some reason I was forced to have sex with a man and had the choice of which man to have sex with. He's on the list with Clive Owen and Orlando Bloom. I guess I'll put Matt Damon on there too since I apparently go for that boyish look (Clive being the exception). Contrast this to ETP who goes for that more rugged look.

Anyway... Jay Mohr, however, did manage to make boxing amusing for a few minutes this week with his latest column.

Everyone knows that I hate explaining the joke (because when you do it's, just... life's not worth living), but if you're wondering about the origin of my new posting name, here you go.

Not to stupid teenage parents: if you don't want your kid, you either A) head that off at the pass with an abortion (while you can still have one) or B) go the adoption route. Dumpsters and Sterilite containers constitute an epic fail on your part, so don't fucking do it.

Sure, teenage pregnancy is hot until you have one on your hands, but there's no excuse for anything ending up this way.

Also, composite sketch artists should probably start looking for a new line of work. I realize the artist in this case was probably working off of a badly decomposed body, but that might be one reason to punt on the whole endeavor. I mean, c'mon, the real pictures show a cute little girl, and the sketches show Dakota Fanning. And we already know how I feel about her.

Boldly go back to where we just were

As a follow-on to that last post, here are a couple of links if, like me, you are inexplicably obsessed with the look of LCARS (either you know what that is or you don't) interfaces and their omnipresent Okudagrams. Well, what drives the obsession is probably not so much the visual appeal as opposed to just trying to pretend I'm living on Star Trek. You know, where I would be a total bad-ass with cool technology instead of being a huge pussy who blogs.

Here is a site that's a bit light on content at this point but still has some decent stuff that could end up as background wallpaper. On this page's "Download Gallery" section there's all kinds of cool shit, such as LCARS images, starship images, and (my fave) LCARS animations (some including sound!).

Dorks with cash

So someone recently put together a home-theater setup designed to look like the bridge of the Enterprise-D from Star Trek: The Next Generation. It looks pretty decent, but for the size of the room their screen looks pretty small. And I've got some reservations about the seats that are behind the tactical rail:


All I can say is that I'm not getting stuck sitting back there.

The additional Trek-inspired bar and lounge areas are a nice touch, but still nowhere near as cool as Rob Zombie's pirate bar at his house (couldn't find a pic that did it justice, unfortunately).

While this is a pretty nerdy thing to do, some points are lost because

“We initially considered the original Starship Enterprise, NCC-1701,” says Hoover. “With a more updated look, Enterprise NCC-1701A was selected as it depicted a grander version of the ship.”

As I already mentioned, that's the 1701-D, not the A. I don't know if the owner of this installation looked over this article before it went out, but still, there's no excuse for that.

I'm sure I linked this before but in a similar vein there was a guy a ways back who re-did his flat in a Next-Gen theme. To me that looks pretty awesome, if for no other reason the Okudagrams all over the place. The style and design choices are pretty decent although questionable in some places. My biggest issue is that everything is so fucking dark.

Unfortunately for this guy he started a company to do conversions like this for other people but ended up going bankrupt. Probably just as well, the last thing I need is that temptation floating around out there. Of course, with enough money you can do pretty much anything you want, but maybe fortunately I'm not at that point yet.

Meanwhile, there's some fascist shit going on in Pakistan that's not getting a whole lot of run over here. No big deal; it's not like they have nukes or anything. I know, I know, they're an important ally in The War Against Terror (TWAT).

Diplomats said John Negroponte had delivered a very strong message for an end to Pakistan's state of emergency.

Yeah, when you're dealing with a dooshebag like Pervez Musharraf, send in another huge d-bag.

He demanded an explanation for his portrayal in the Western media in recent months.

"Did I go mad? Or suddenly, my personality changed? Am I Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde?" he asked.

In recent months? This guy apparently pays as much attention to the news as Bush does.

"Have I done anything constitutionally illegal? Yes, I did it on 3 November," he said, referring to his imposition of emergency rule. "But did I do it before? Not once."

And he has a level of arrogance that would make Cheney proud.

Not that we didn't already know this, but Saudia Arabia is pretty awesome. Even Jack McCoy thinks that's fucked up.

So I made a made a discovery this week, and that is that one of Gorbachev's granddaughters, Anastasia Virganskaya Gorbachev, is one of the hottest girls alive. I'd like to introduce you all to my new girlfriend:

That last post, now with links

Yeah, just noticed that I fucked up the last -- and most important -- link in my previous post. I'm sure Cracked is devastated to have not gotten that link from a blog no one is reading.

It's a well-known fact that humor is one of the most under appreciated art forms. I'm not talking the shit that I try and pass off for humor here at Fe. I'm talking about the kind of humor that takes talent and maybe even some practice to get good at.

We can see how underrated comedy is just through Hollywood. Take a look at the best picture category at the Oscars. Comedies are in the minority, and pretty much always a long-shot to win. And then there's all of the dooshebag comic actors who start doing dramatic roles just to win an Oscar and validate their careers which in some cases shouldn't need validation. Comedy is just not taken seriously.

Yes, I know the Oscars are a yearly autofellatio event for Hollywood and are total bullshit, but that lame-ass awards show serves as a nice microcosm of what I'm complaining about here. Although the fact that Jim Carrey will never win an Oscar is pretty sweet.

To me, if you can be educational and funny, that's awesome. If you can be poignant and funny, that's awesome. I also think that it's much harder to mix comedy with these other things, and of course no one in history has ever espoused such an earth-shattering opinion. Courtesy of Cracked, here are a couple of articles that demonstrate what a bad-ass comedy can be when it's done balls-out.

First up is a list of The Five Biggest Badass Popes. Entertaining and informative.

As a quick aside while we're on the subject of the Papacy, while I was on hiatus these past nine months I had an important revelation. I finally decided what I want to be when I grow up.

For the next Cracked link, I'm not going to say much. Other than the fact that this is one of the most fucking awesome things I've ever read.

Reasons why Jews kick ass #112

I've pointed out on numerous occasions that if you believe in an invisible man in the sky then I think you're stupid. The Jews win some points back, though, thanks to their contributions to the world of comedy. The latest example of this is the Shmaltz Brewing Company, maker of HE'BREW: The Chosen Beer.

That is just too fucking awesome for words.

Looking at their list of places to buy HE'BREW, a liquor store right by my house carries their products. I don't recall seeing any of their beers but maybe I just wasn't paying much attention since I usually end up getting Guinness or Fuller's ESB. Hopefully they stock Messiah Bold.

If this guy is correct, then that's pretty fucking badass. A five-hundred-year-old painting and there's still shit like this that we haven't figured out about it? Hard fucking core.

Alright, so the thought of starting to discuss politics here once again kinda nauseates me, as it has done since the '04 election. But I still need to mention this, which is pretty much the final nail in the coffin of me backing Giuliani. I totally wanted to get behind that guy because I loved the idea of divided government with a Democratic congress and a Republican president who is socially liberal or at least moderate while maintaining some true Republican roots (i.e. not all this Jesus and big government crap). Plus there's a local sandwich chain (Deli Zone) which has an awesome sandwich they call "the Giuliani." Somehow I think that also factored in to me wanting to back Rudy because I'm dumb like that.

But yeah, Rudy just sucks. 9/11, 9/11, 9/11... Yeah, we get it. That's not so bad, though. What gets to me (and I know I've been over this before) is all the bullshit pandering. Kissing ass with Bush. Trying to convince the religious right that he's down with them. And of course, that scheme paid off handsomely with this endorsement. The best case scenario I could think of is that he's just bullshitting everyone to get support from Republicans who otherwise wouldn't support him and then he'll do whatever the fuck he wants after elected. But even then he's just another dooshebag saying whatever he needs to say to get elected.

Why can't we get another moderate Republican in the mix here? Sit your ass down John McCain. You phony fuck. I'm sorry, maverick. Seriously though, moderate Republicans are my favorite people in government right now. 'Cause think about it. Mid-right and far-right Republicans, you know how they're going to vote on everything. Party line, Bush, blah blah blah. In general the Democrats are gonna do the same on their side since they're doing what little they can to consolidate what little power they've managed to stumble into (gotta love those approval ratings guys and gals!).

Moderate Republicans, therefore, are the only ones we can hope for to shake things up a bit and not be 100% fucking predictable. Like usual with American politics, shit just keeps getting worse and worse, and we're not choosing based on who we want, but choosing based on who we don't want. And in the end everyone sucks anyway. Politics off.

Alright, I think the whole toy recall thing is getting out of control. Christ, are we gonna have to start recalling everything that might be harmful to kids? Like with most all these recalls (if not all of them), the only danger is through blatant product misuse.

Wednesday's recalls include about 7,200 "Big Red" Wagons imported by Northern Tool & Equipment Co. of Burnsville, Minn. Totaling about 405,700, the recalled children's products all had excessive levels of lead in their surface paint.

Although no illnesses connected to the toy car recall have been reported, lead is toxic if ingested by young children.

If your kid is ingesting his or her fucking wagon I think there are bigger issues. Shit, if they're just scraping paint off and eating it, that act alone is a fuckin' problem.

Scientists say a chemical coating on the beads, when ingested, metabolizes into the so-called date rape drug gamma hydroxy butyrate.

That is just fucking... Bizarre. I mean, what are the odds of that happening? I don't mean kids eating shit they're not supposed to, but the chemical coating getting converted to GHB after ingestion. I think this company deserves some kind of award. For something. Oh, and if you're expecting some kind of joke considering the GHB thing, forget it. It's too easy, and I need to cut back on that shit or I am gonna be the subject of the next recall.

Considering who I am and my opening to this post I know you're probably thinking that I'm thinking, to hell with these kids, if they're dumb enough to be putting this stuff in their mouth then just let Darwinism take its course. On one hand I'm like, yeah, kids should really be smarter. And if they're not, well, they might be doomed anyway.

But on the other hand, kids do stupid shit sometimes since they're, well, kids. Everyone makes mistakes and not all of them should carry the death penalty. Like did I ever tell you all about the time I spray painted my ass brown? I know I've told ETP 'cause it's like his most favorite story ever of mine but I can't remember if it's come up here or not.

I had to have been like four or five at the time. A neighborhood friend of mine and I got a hold of some spray paint somehow at my grandparents' house. And we proceeded to spray paint the fences, the shed, and, for some fucking reason, our asses. Lemme tell you, it was pretty awkward for my grandmother to have to be soliciting advice from others on how best to remove spray paint from a child's ass. I think I deserve some kinda bonus points for using the ever-appropriate color of brown.

Then there was another time that, for some reason, I had a pair of keys. And I was sitting there looking at an electrical socket. It had those two perfect slits, and I'm looking at the keys, and I was like hey, these must go in there. I got a good jolt from that, naturally, and this nice big blister on my hand. I remember crying my eyes out -- not so much from the pain but because I was worried the blister would catch fire. Why was I worried about that? I dunno, I'd just stuck two keys in an electrical socket, what the fuck do you want from me? I'm not sure if this incident played a part in me eventually becoming an electrical engineer or not. To this day, though, I really do not like working anywhere near 120V AC.

So yeah, I'm kinda torn on which way to go here. I suppose for these kids who end up hurting themselves, if they don't die the first time and they don't learn their lesson and they do the same stupid shit again, then fuck it, let 'em die. But if not they might still grow up OK after all. I, for one, never spray painted my ass again or stuck keys in an electrical socket again. And what if I had died? What kind of travesty would it have been for the world to miss out on me?

In closing, I am of course obligated to link to this.

Why can't they ever bring back good shows?

So I've discovered a new webcomic: Joe and Monkey. I'm not sure if it's consistently good or not, but there is this one, which is fucking awesome.

Defective Junk Hero

No, this isn't some kind of Viagra spam post. I picked up Shitty Cover Band III (AKA Guitar Hero III) this past weekend. Twice. On Friday I pick the game up after work, head home, get my wireless network shit set back up, and fire up the game. I start playing "Slow Ride." I'm a bit rusty since I haven't been practicing my fake plastic guitar skills in awhile, but I'm doing OK. Not stellar though, as I realize my timing sucks because I just cannot hit a red+green combination.

After awhile I realized the issue wasn't me (for once), but the shiny new wireless guitar. You know, the one us 360 owners get jacked an extra ten bucks for thanks to Microsoft's proprietary wireless interface (at least, I'm guessing that's why it's $10 more than the PS or Wii versions). Upon further investigation I found out that it actually worked when I would strum up, but not down. I was about to call ETP and ask him if this was some new dumbass feature they'd added to make the game more challenging.

Playing some more I further realized that doing a red+green+down worked, if you consider red+green+down registering as yellow to be working. At this point I'm like, probably not a new feature. Oh, it's a feature all right, the kind that plenty of other people are having. It didn't take much searching through forums to see that I was not alone in my wireless guitar woes. Yay for quality control and product testing.

I started to take the guitar apart but got to a point where I felt like a circuit board wasn't gonna move without me breaking it so I was like, fuck it. Back to the store for an exchange.

My second one seems to be working just fine. I haven't put in a ton of time on the game yet (and you know there's the looming spectre of my video game ADHD), but it's not bad. It's Guitar Hero. It looks a bit different but pretty much plays the same. My biggest complaint is the extra shit it puts up on screen while you're playing, like when you hit a note streak. That always fucks me up because I think it's telling me I have Star Power when of course I don't. I'm busy paying attention to shit at the bottom middle of the screen assholes, and it used to be useful for the game to tell me up top about Star Power. I'm not actually gonna read it douchebags, but when it popped up I knew what it was without looking away from what I was supposed to be playing.

As an aside, dontcha love how when you've been playing for awhile and then you finally look away from the screen, everything around you seems to be moving upwards? That was rather unsettling the first time it ever happened to me. And now it's just normal.

The only new feature I've come across is the whole boss battle thing, which I found rather annoying. Partly because it took me a buncha tries to beat Tom Morello since I'm retarded. Then there was the time I was trying to attack and I tilted the guitar up so quickly and violently that i hit myself in the head, also because I'm retarded. And now more so. But in the end I beat Morello, and afterwards we had a nice discussion on geopolitics and he pointed me in the direction of a communist bookstore for references to support his dumbass opinions.

I was under the impression that a good deal of songs were the actual songs by the original artists, but no, most (so far for me at least, and I'm too lazy to go look it up right now) are just performed by shitty cover bands. Hence my nickname for the game still stands. And yes, I'm full well aware that Shitty Cover Band would be a better nickname for the impending Rock Band, but I started referring to GH as such a ways back and it's too late to change now. Maybe I'll just refer to Rock Band as Shitty Rock Band.

So while the track list is pretty badass, I'm rather disappointed in all the crap ass cover bands. I was especially pissed when I heard "Barracuda," one of the first songs I can ever recall listening to and enjoying (can't fuckin' believe that song is actually two years older than me). I was looking forward to playing that song, and while fun, the whole shitty cover band experience kinda took off some of the lustre.

Speaking of Shitty Rock Band, I can't say I'm all that enthused for the game. It's like, I can already be mediocre at playing the fake plastic guitar. Am I really that stoked to learn to play the fake plastic drums? Because I sure as hell will not be doing any singing. I have a good voice and all, but singing? Fuck that shit.

Paging Tom Hung

I guess you could say that the following link is mildly not safe for work (NSFW -- does anyone not know that acronym by now?). Well, that depends on where you work, and also your gender and how you want your sexual orientation viewed by others, I suppose. Either way, I just could not pass up on posting this. Found via The A.V. Club's Tolerability Index.

Be sure and check out the t-shirts they sell in the store, too. I like that some of them come in "dutch oven brown." Isn't a "Dutch oven" something dirty, like a Dutch treat or a Dutch surprise?

If you don't check Cracked.com regularly, you should.

Being me this is late, but here are two lists of interesting Halloween costumes from two of our favorite fucked up countries: Germany and Japan.

New look

Alright, so the last time I changed my template was probably June of 2003. That's... Pretty awesome. I never wanted to change it because I'm not anywhere near strong enough with web page coding to come up with a decent layout on my own, and all of the templates suck balls. Plus if I use one of the lame-ass templates it's gonna take forever to get all of the customization shit I've added into the template.

Well, an hour or two after deciding to take the plunge, I see that I was exactly correct. The new look is ass. Like, it wouldn't be so bad if there wasn't all this useless blank space to the left and right of the blog. What the fuck is that about? I gotta figure out how to fix that because that shit is annoying. The parts where I've written shit are a waste of space as it is, we don't need more completely useless space here.

And of course getting all the shit I want in the page back in there has been a chore. Like for the most part it wasn't bad, until I got to comments. At first I was thinking, fuck it, I'll just start using Blogger's commenting system. And I quickly saw that those suck, so I had to get HaloScan up and running. Which was also a pain, but I guess I'm there now so I'll let that rest until something turns up broken.

So, there you go. I changed my look. I did that for you. And what do I get as thanks? Probably not even a comment after going through all that fucking trouble. Yeah, why the hell am I blogging again?

EDIT: Okay, so I changed to a different template, which also blows. But at least it stretches the width of the page now.

I don't know what ended up happening to his SI column, but it doesn't matter since Jay Mohr has a new colum now at FOX Sports.

CNN occasionally posts articles from Mental Floss, and yeah, there's a site with tons of trivia shit that could be a real time-sink. Courtesy of that site I just found out that The Daily Show has a new video archive online.

Don't ask why, but the link from this post partially inspired me to blog again. Came across this 'blog, which for some reason amused me, at least in principle: Hot Chicks With Douchebags.

I'll bet you wish you'd stayed in bed

Alright Lunchbox let's try this again.

And no, I don't mean the whole blogging thing in general, I mean just trying to get a new post out again. You see, I tried this a couple days back, and it just wasn't feeling right. I even had a few posts under my belt and I went and pulled them all. Aside from the fact that I'm blogging, this is not looking good.

I used to have one main personal guideline for when I was doing this shit regularly: no self-censoring. I don't mean in the sense that I would hold back from saying "fuck" or "cunt" or whatever the hell I felt like -- if that's not clear you're not smart. I mean that quite a bit of what was going on in my head got posted. If there was anything you wanted to know about me (and you didn't), you could either figure it out by reading between the lines or I just fucking spelled it out clear as day. Only a retard like Buck could read this blog and not know what the shit I'm about. And once I posted something -- once it was "released into the wild" -- that was it. Sure, I'd go back and correct some shit. I'd post and re-post and re-re-post like a re-re as I found grammatical errors or thought of something else to add, but I'd never pull anything major out of a post, and I'd certainly never redact an entire post.

Well, now without having gotten a single new post out there, I've violated the above tenet. Yay for standards. I'm getting this shit out there now though, and it's pretty much like it was before, so I suppose that counts for something (yeah, I want a cookie).

Aside from the fact that I'm a sell-out to my own demons I really dunno why I'm doing this. I haven't blogged since February. Blogging started to feel like more of a chore and either it way wasn't entertaining me like it had been. It was also a good way to keep conversation going with ETP without having to do any talking or e-mailing; I could just say shit here or post interesting links or whatever and he had it all in one easy place. Well, I'm bored right now, and ETP is always working his balls off and I don't see much of him, so maybe the site's original utility can be revived. Either way, this experiment in boredom will probably be short-lived. We can hope.

Anyway, to get you caught up on capital "M" Me, here's what you missed:

1. My four-year anniversary (WTF? Four? I mean, seriously).
2. Yet another suck-ass summer I thought might be cool that wasn't.
3. Spring and the beginning of fall, which also suck.
4. Speaking of sucking, the Cubs. Or the Rockies if you wanna play hardball.
5. Will someone please punch Chris Matthews in the cock?
6. Also Tycho, that fat d-bag from Penny Arcade who is sooooo in love with his ability to use words (yay, I can use "fuck" too!). Fuck him because of the aforementioned unfounded arrogance along with how he insists on italicising every other fucking word.
7. Me, not letting a joke go until it blows... Hard.
8. Pining about schoolgirls.
9. Talk about the Bimmer.
10. Bitching.

In other words, you missed nothing. I'm like Days of Our Lives (or any other soap opera); you can just quit watching me for an extended period of time and then pick me back up at any arbitrary point in the future and still know exactly what the hell is going on.

While we're at it, who the fuck are you anyway? Probably nobody. I mean, I had, I dunno, three regular readers before, and they're long gone by now. I wonder when ETP will even discover this. Maybe I'll show up as an (un)pleasant surprise in someone's RSS aggregator ('cause that's what I went to school for), but that's about it.

Not surprisingly, though, my traffic is still decent, as my sitemeter stats page will attest to. Of course, that's pretty much all due to my incessant use of words like "fuck" and "underage." Man, I just don't know why I ever quit this gig.

Just to let you know that I'm still the same fuck-off (if not worse), I'm gonna share something with you. I think I'm pretty much getting myself into doll collecting. Well, okay, most boys whose families aren't infested with poor germs are doll collectors. The term "action figure" was, after all, invented specifically to avoid using the term "doll." And of course that was necessary because "doll" just isn't manly enough for... Children.

Well I say fuck that. Being 5'3" in good shoes any hopes of manliness died a long, long time ago for me, so that makes it even easier to let my girly side flourish and not give a shit. I like to shop for clothes and I like to decorate, but I also like cars and beer, and I still wanna bang chicks and I don't wanna cut my junk off. At least in this regard, I actually think I'm pretty well balanced.

Like with ETP and his purse, I'm just being honest about what's going on. And I've got a strong feminine side that I'm pretty cool with. So that all sounds pretty good.

After a recent purchase, though, I'm taking the next step. I recently learned about Pinky:st. toys, and I am in love. Cute anime-ish girls with interchangeable bodies so that you can vary their outfits. Cute. Clothes. Dress-up. Awesome.

At this juncture, for any newbies here, if you're about to throw together a sentence with the word "italics" and (probably) a mishandling of "irony," go fuck yourself.

At this juncture, for any old-timers here, you're probably thinking, dude, aside from the whole dress-up element, that's not so bad. At least not in the context of The Girls, who, for the uninitiated, are my collection of female anime figures that I have prominently displayed at my home. They have their own room.

I nearly got into full-flej doll collecting several years ago when I found some dolls on HLJ and a whole series of doll clothes made by a company called Azone. Amongst the clothes you could buy were, of course, sailor schoolgirl uniforms. I think pretty much everything was sold out though, so that put the skids on that descent into "dude, what the fuck" for awhile.

Looking through that Azone stuff, it appears as if most everything is still sold out. Goddammit. Although once I noticed the prices on some of that stuff, I was like yeah, that's kinda roughing up my walkawear too. Even if I could find the dolls in stock and the outfits, I'm not sure I wanna be paying twenty bucks per for outfits.

Just to pull us back from the realms of creepiness for a minute... Well, sorta. Since Japan is on the table, I was bound to come across something fucked up and utterly hilarious at some point. And here that is. Thanks for that, Japan.

Japan: you've got problems, and so do we.

One really awesome series I did come across was "Girls Mission," which appears to simply be schoolgirls with guns. That is seriously so fucking badass that I just don't have words to adequately describe my enthusiasm. I'm not enthused about the seventy-some dollars per doll, but when something like that shows up there's nothing I can do.

I still think my desire to collect dolls is partly just because I want to get to dollhouses. We all know about my hardon for playsets, and the dollhouse is just the Omega Playset. My fetish for minituares is also well documented. So, it's either about mini shit and playsets, or I'm just fucked up.

While we're on the subject, I think it's at least partly through dolls that we completely fuck girls up in our society. After a stroll down the doll aisles at Toys 'R' Sucks with ETP and BOETP one day and listening to her talk about the whole subject, I was like, yeah, I can see how women end up so goddamn crazy.

Oh, and then there was one day a couple years back when I was shopping for Barbies for a friend's daughter for Christmas. I came across Barbie with her kitchen playset. And pregnant Barbie. And I was like, do I really want to be sending this message to a 6-year-old girl? I ended up doing OK though, since I am the best at all toy shopping -- I settled on ballerina Barbie (because she has some talent -- save the jokes) and Veterinarian Barbie (because she has an education and a job).

Looking at those two incidents I'm like, yeah, I'm fucked up, but pretty much all my dumbass shit is in my head. Real life is sicker.

I think maybe another reason I'm looking towards dolls is because I don't have a girlfriend to buy clothes for. Hey, why have toys when you can have the real thing? C'mon ladies, it's a good deal (if you're materialistic like me) -- you will get driven around in nice cars, you will get taken out for nice meals, I will take you clothes shopping, and my back is strong (except that it isn't). Never mind the fact that I'm a complete fucking headcase and this is kinda weird; you can't have it all, you know?

Alright, so you just read a post from a 28-year-old guy talking about dolls and how he's gonna start collecting dolls. Welcome back.

It's been awhile, so here's a new batch of the shit I have to put up with online. Since the quality of Google pedos is declining (or rising, depending on how you want to look at it), I had to mix in a few more spams to get a decent list going. "Decent," of course, also being up for debate.

Your wife will be happier, if you use Viagra Pro.

Dick pill pro. Yeah, your dick's so broken you need professional grade dick meds to get it goin'. That should make the wife pretty happy.

how to pronounce jim rome

Could there be a simpler name to pronounce than Jim Rome? God damn it, no wonder people complain about the quality of education in this country. And yes, this searcher was from this country. Utah, in fact, which pretty much explains everything. Any group of people that will be floored by such "advanced" English phrases as "repressed sexual tendencies" and "Nazi-esque" is really in need of a shitload better book learnin'.

Speaking of education, here's a an ad that showed up at the top of my GMail inbox:

Online College Serach - quiz.learningandlife.com - An easy 10 Question Quiz to see if College Online is right for you.

Hey, why not? Looks like your serach for a quality education is over. Sure worked out well for those people.

Spam:

Lose weight while having sex

Yay, just what fatties need: The Catch-22 Diet.

how to suck your own cock if you are not flexible

Unless if it's fucking huge and you can get it to bend properly, the only other option is to cut it off and then you can suck it. Seriously, being flexible is, like, the pre-req for being able to do that. If you're too stupid to realize this, then just work on trying to be more flexible so you will hopefully snap your spine so we can be rid of you.

woman fucking appliances

The first thing that came to mind when I saw this one was a woman trying to get it on with her refrigerator, and that's just funny.

what is the biggest shit ever

Man, I've had a couple recently that might qualify, but I'll spare you the details. Like one yesterday, which I could best describe as "two for the price of one." Okay, seriously, I'll stop. You know how sometimes you'll drop one off that just amazes you, though? Like, so big you're almost proud of it and thinking, holy crap, that was in me? Or how about ones that come out in interesting shapes, like one with a perfect 90 degree angle? How does that happen? Okay, really, I'll stop now. Anyway, maybe this one was more for the guys out there. And coprophiliacs. You know you're gonna think about this sometime in the near future when you're on the shitter, though. But before we get off of that subject...

i shit at everything

I feel pretty safe in saying this individual is less popular than I am.

little fucking man

Yup, that pretty much describes me. Except for the fucking. And the man.

why does a man argue with you for just about everything

I dunno, why are you such a bitch for just about everything?

why god am I such a pathetic loser that I scare off every woman I speak to

Look dude, I feel your pain, but maybe the fact that you are asking Google these all-important questions could be a good place to start looking for the answer. Also, why are you asking this to Google? Are they god now? Jesus, that company needs to be stopped. Also, for those keeping score at home, I'm #7 on that search, so that's pretty solid.

A few more spams:

Tight slits crammed full of cock

They're crammed full -- you got that? Nothing particularly funny about this one, I just liked the simple, straightforward language.

Parents seducing their young daughter LOL

Yeah, if anything deserves an LOL'ing, it's that. Good job spam people.

We found hot slut for you Biitterlittleman!

Finally, the personal service I deserve. Seriously, what the fuck am I supposed to do with that? My own friends can't even help out in finding girls to introduce me to, but yeah, some spam fucker is gonna get the job done.

Girls in your area who like money for sex Bitterlittleman

Yeah, I'd imagine there are quite a few girls like that in my area, but they're missing the boat and not taking any of my money.

jerking off my sister

Alright, I'll just let that one speak for itself, and it also gives me an opening to reference this Bash quote. Apparently one guy finally got sick of other guys lying about the size of their cocks.

All Danforth ever wanted was a water slide

When Iraqis or soldiers out in the real Iraq hear about shit like this, they've gotta be pretty pissed. People are out there getting blown up regularly but the Green Zone is fucking awesome. Somewhere in the Green Zone you'll find two turntables and a microphone because apparently that place is where it's at. Shit, reading that I almost wanna go over there and work in the Green Zone. Until I have to start kissing ass and praising "the mission," then I'm out.

I also found this amusing:

The atmosphere was thick with sexual tension. At the bar, there were usually 10 men to every woman. With tours of duty that sometimes stretched to six months without a home leave, some with wedding rings began to refer to themselves as "operationally single."

That's pretty solid.

You know all those stupid assholes who show up here trying to find ways they can give themselves the hiccups? I'm sure this girl would be more than happy to trade places with any one of them. Having the hiccups for three weeks and counting would be a fucking nightmare.

I don't really have a reason to post this other than it just showed up as one of the "related articles" to an Onion page I was reading. Not that one ever needs an excuse to re-set one of the all-time great Onion articles.

I suppose I could make it topical by delving into the recent controversy stirred up by John Amaechi coming out of the closet or what Tim Hardaway had to say in response. Of course, I don't think we really need to have me go into how I feel since we all know how I feel when it comes to gays and dumbass homophobes. This sums things up pretty well for me, too. I would add that I'm glad Hardaway said that he "hates" gays, because, once again, I appreciate honesty and like knowing just how ignorant people really are. Yup, he's entitled to his opinion, even if he's stupid. There's just no logical reason to get bent out of shape over something that has no discernible impact on you whatsoever.

Way to get with last century's program, idiots. I know I'm all uppity and stuff because I'm educated and I learned things and shit, but sometimes people are wrong and the rest of us are right.

And Greg Lassey, a retired Wichita-area biology teacher, said the new standards undermine families by "discrediting parents who reject materialism and the ethics and morals it fosters."

Whatever, Wichitard. No, I did not come up with that on my own, but yes, I've been waiting for awhile to break that one off.

Alright, it's only been a few minutes of editing and less than a dozen posts, and I've already got going what has to be one of the more offensive sets of tags, ERRRRR, labels. Yeah, this isn't degenerating quickly.

Just to make this post slightly less useless, I'll reference my Valentine's post from a few years back since I will never be able to top that, nor will my feelings ever deviate from that. And of course, don't forget to check your balls.

Again, the day is nearly over, but that might be good for anyone reading late and in need of some re-sets or some newbies tomorrow with a V-day hangover.

yes, no, maybe, fud, notfud, itsatrap, securitytheater, thinkofthechildren

Even though Valentine's Day is nearly over, I thought it was still worth it to post a story about the pure love that is incest. Or lack thereof. Dunno about the study, sounds kinda flaky. Like did it take into account whether or not your sister is hot? Not saying that makes it better, but we understand. And you're at least gonna think about it even if you're not happy about it. Or maybe that's just me since I've got the hot stepsister thing going on so I don't have to feel as guilty for those thoughts.

Anyway... Found this line interesting, and by interesting I mean, maybe you should have phrased this better to get your point across:

Especially strong was the effect of watching one's mother care for a younger child. "They would be very altrustic towards that baby and they'd be grossed out at the idea of sex with that baby as an adult," Cosmides said.

At first I was like, I sure hope you'd be grossed out by the idea of sex with that baby, otherwise you've got more problems than I do.

If you're at all bothered by this post, save it. You should be happy I did it considering the fucking trouble I had to go through so that I could make it. What trouble? Where should I start.

First, I go to Blogger. Of course, where the fuck else am I gonna go, right? Anyway, I try to log in, and it's giving me some shit about switching to the new Blogger. And I'm like, fuck this, I don't wanna switch. Why not? Couple reasons. One, the last time Blogger went through a major change, I referred to it as "the worst thing ever." I even e-mailed Blogger and said as much, and I don't think I got so much as a form-letter reply. Fuckers.

But I was like, fine. I'll switch. Even though I've tried switching before but you complained that my 'blog was too big to transition over, even when you were out of beta. Now, though, when it's up to you and not me, yeah, I've gotta switch. Prick.

So fine, let's do this. I'm a, no, fuck it, I'm not going to finish that Dane Cook reference there because that guy's shit is played out and he's not funny anymore. Anyway, I decide to just get it over with. I get through step one of verifying my "old" Blogger identity. Why I needed to do that when I just did it six seconds prior I don't know. But I did it. And then I get to the page asking for a Google account. Great, I've got one of those. On the page there's a button on the right to create a Google account under "no", and... And a light blue box under "yes" with not a fucking thing in it. And I already know what's in there, it's something useful for the task at hand and neither Mozilla nor Firefox ever show useful things.

So, fuck. After fucking with about three different browsers I was just, like, forget it. I'm done. With blogging. Forever. We know that that means nothing, as evidenced by this post right here and my track record. I was just discouraged because I knew to get things set right I was gonna have to reboot into Windows and use IE (keeping in mind that I use an OS where shit doesn't work because that makes me cool, AKA a weenie).

But I sucked it up and I did it, and here I am. The new Blogger. Woo fucking hoo. At this point I haven't used it enough to figure out what I hate about it yet, but I'm sure I'll find some things. One thing I am stoked about, though, is tags. That was pretty much my only motivation to migrate when I had tried it before. Not like tags really contribute anything, as evidenced by tagging on Slashdot, but maybe it will keep me marginally amused for awhile.

Sorry, labels, not tags. And it automatically alphabetizes them for me (let the record stand that incest was the first tag applied to a post on this blog). Yeah, the new Blogger is already pissing me off.

If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college

I found this article to be pretty amusing, and it does bring up a good point. We do pick and choose what we kill and eat based on nothing but shallow nonsense, and that's one of the many things that makes us stupid. And barbaric, blah blah blah, but meat is good.

And although I'm about a week behind the curve, I should reference this Onion article at least for posterity's sake since it pretty well sums up how I feel about that bullshit. Look, it's sad enough if you get more than a little bummed out over a celebrity dying or something, but if you're getting involved in candlelight vigils for a fucking horse, you should be killed and turned into glue. Yes, in case you missed it, I distinctly remember actually reading about at least one candlelight vigil after he first got injured. It simply makes no sense to me to get all bent out of shape over someone who you never knew and had no direct impact on your life.

And let's face it, they were probably just trying to keep that thing alive for stud fees and whatnot anyway. The only amusement I can take away from the Barbaro nonsense is that if this line of reasoning is correct, it means it was at least one person's job to, uh, handle that business for the last eight months.

This is several days old, but it nicely sums up why I have a difficult time getting behind John McCain. The guy obviously wants us to think he's all hardcore and shit like the McLean Deluxe, but he just pusses out way too much. Just imagine what a bad-ass he'd look like if he had really been a rebel all these years and gone against Bush more. If anyone has had a right to hate Bush and tell him to go fuck himself it's McCain, and he should have rolled with that since the 2000 campaign.

On the D side, hey guys and gals, you go ahead and put up Hillary or Obama or both (my favorite idea so far) and see where that gets you. Hillary is, well, Hillary, someone even a lot of Democrats have trouble getting on board with. I just can't stand her transparent attempts to cast off her liberal reputation. It'd be great to have a female president, but Hillary might not be the best choice when it comes to breaking through that particular barrier.

And Obama? Look, I'd also love to see a black president, but at this point I just don't think it's gonna happen. A black guy up for president would bring every fuckin' racist out of the woodwork to vote against him. The whole goddamn south is guaranteed to be solid bloody red. I hope maybe I'm just being too cynical, and the guy does have some skills after all. But with as racist as this country still is, I'd say it's a pretty big gamble right now.

Another strike against Obama: Hustler questioned his liberal street cred in their "Asshole of the Month" column recently, and we all know that Larry Flynt is where to turn when you want to know what's up (or if you want a bunch of skanks with gigantic fake tits and neverending left-wing blabber... yes, my opinion of Larry has shifted in recent times).

If nothing else, can people stop referring to Obama as a "rising star" already? That shit is fucking played out.

Right now I like the idea of Rudy Giuliani, or at least someone Giuliani-esque, becoming president. You know, a guy who's Republican, but not fucking psycho like these neocon bastards. Someone socially liberal but fiscally conservative (dunno if that really means anything, but we all love to throw around that phrase because it sounds cool).

I say this assuming congress stays Democrat, because I'm liking the whole divided government thing. So a flop with an R congress and D president could achieve that as well. It doesn't really make things spectacular or anything, but it beats that whole imbalance nonsense we'd seen for the past six years. And even if part or all of congress went back the R way, a Republican who might actually argue with congress would be a step up from Bush. Of course, many of us think that just about anything would be a step up from Bush, and it's that kind of desperate mentality that gave us a douchebag like John Kerry last time. Thank Christ that cocksucker isn't trying again, eh?

Here are a couple of random articles involving a pair of geniuses. First up is this guy, who doesn't have a gambling problem or anything. Then there's this kid, who for his sake hopefully has a big cock, otherwise he's for sure gonna want to find himself a new school.

Not that we really need it, but here's today's reminder as to how stupid religion is.

If The Police, the second-best band of the 80s (you know who the best is) are thinking about hanging out again, then this is as good a time as any to re-set this Onion article.

The only objection I have to this movie is that the actress in question is Dakota Fanning, because that little girl is creepy. But yeah, god forbid we should even think about having a serious discussion about a topic that most would prefer to ignore.

Ted Baehr, chairman of the Christian Film and Television Commission and publisher of the Web site movieguide.org, claims "Hounddog" breaks federal child-pornography law.

Dude, you've got to be fucking kidding me. I know that you aren't, but you should be. We'll set aside for a moment that you almost certainly have not seen the scene under debate. No sense letting any facts get in the way of a good crusade. Man, what a waste of fucking time and energy while there's plenty of actual child abuse going on in the world that you give less than a shit about. Just to make sure we're on the same page: fictional sexual abuse that is shown briefly and apparently not even as graphic as everyone makes it out to be, bad; real sexual abuse that goes on for decades and is just swept under the rug, good. Nice morals as usual, Jesus fuck.

"It's not really happening," Fanning said of a [sic] rape. "It's a movie, and it's called acting. I'm not going through anything. Cody and Isabelle aren't going through anything, their characters are.

Pretty sad when some creepy kid has to bitch-slap everyone and point out what fucking retards they're being.

Look, I'm pretty stoked to see the Bears going to the Superbowl, but this is just ridiculous. I'm guessing it's not like there was any big risk inducing childbirth a couple days early, but this still isn't right.

If football -- yes, even Chicago football -- takes precedence over childbirthing, you people probably shouldn't be parents. Yes, I'm sure those tickets were not cheap, and being at that game was something very rare and special, but c'mon, people. Even I think you've got your priorities all fucked up.

Alright, here's another one for the idiot pedophile file pedo-file. There are so many things wrong with this group of M-Winners* that it's not, no wait, actually it is pretty funny, assuming we can ignore the fact that they might have actually molested some real kids.

I mean, seriously, I know that guys can be pretty optimistic when it comes to sex and relationships, but being able to convince themselves that that 29-year-old guy was fucking twelve? Come on. I'm guessing he's not particularly tall, but looking at his face anyone who's not a total fucking stem can tell he isn't 12.

But of course, these geniuses actually tried to enroll the "12-year-old boy" they were "molesting" in school, and no one could have ever predicted that backfiring.

Stiffler and Robert James Snow, 43, "were very upset when the detectives told them they had been having a sexual relationship with a 29-year-old man and not a pre-teen boy," Quayle said.

Yeah, I hate it when that happens. Once you find out your supposed pre-teen lover is actually pushing 30 it really takes the edge off and it's just no fun anymore. And how great is it that one of the guys involved is named Stiffler?

*Mussolini was a winner.

There is so much ignorant shit in this that I just can't motivate myself to wade in at this point. But really, none of it is anything new, nothing we haven't had to suffer through before. So, we'll just summarize: Bush, you are a stupid, arrogant asshole. Your brilliant plan to send more troops should fix everything right up over there.

And the notion that the Iraqis should be thanking us for this mess? One that they never asked us for to begin with? That would be a pretty stunning statement if we weren't accustomed to this kind of garbage. Just when you think people can't hate us anymore, we're reminded that there's plenty more in Bush's back of tricks that he can pull out to insult and condescend.

Another thing I will make special note of:

Bush, who has said he does not use e-mail, said he watched the video on the Internet, but turned away before the ousted dictator fell through the trap door of the gallows.

Give me a break. Who exactly are you again? What execution-happy state did you used to be governor of? You know Bush watched that whole video and he loved it. Lying piece of shit.

If you are any sort of RPG fan (and I don't mean rocket-propelled grenades), then you need to check this out if you haven't seen it already. It is just simply brilliant. There are three more episodes besides that one, although 2-4 kinda disappoint after that first one.

I read this story a couple days ago, and I was like, yeah, that's one of the more messed up things I've read in awhile. I was thinking, damn, I make jokes about genetically engineering girls' height to keep them short, but I have problems and here's someone actually doing it, only after the fact.

And of course, I was about to write a post full of all kinds of half-assed, poorly thought out, and completely unqualified opinions about it. I gave up on that route after reading an excerpt from the parents' blog explaining things, and I was like, forget it. Virtually none of us really do have any clue as to what it would be like to have to go through that and make those kinds of decisions. Doesn't make it all right or wrong; this one is about as gray as it gets.

Being me, though, there are still a couple of things that really piss me off that I will comment on. One is the fact that the parents have a fucking blog despite saying they want to remain anonymous. Someone will figure how who they are pretty quickly if they haven't already. Sure, we could come up with several possible reasons, good and bad, why they're blogging anyway, but the inconsistency is irritating. And then there's this:

In a related conversation with Ashley's doctor, Ashley's mom came upon the idea of accelerating her already precocious puberty to minimise her adult height and weight.

Okay, look, the field of medicine really is all guesswork in a white coat, but this still irks the hell out of me to have parents coming up with medical treatments and doctors letting parents tell them what to do. Sure, they put it before a panel of, like, a billion doctors, but on principle it just doesn't sit right with me. It's like when Bill Maher was commenting on all those drug commercials which urge people to "tell your doctor" about pharmaceutical X: "At that point isn't he just... A dealer?"