Monday, January 05, 2004

Another shitty year in the books

So everyone (everyone who is a hack, that is, which is precisely what I am) likes to put together a year-in-review. Typically, they do it right at the end of the year or the very beginning. In typical Fe fashion, we do it when we feel like it since A) I didn't think to do this until New Year's Eve and B) this is the first decent chance I've gotten to sit down and do it.

A lot of the "best of" stuff on this list didn't even come out in 2003, but I don't care. I'm going based on when I was exposed to it, and since I'm the center of the universe, my exposure is technically when something "came out."

This will be a hodge-podge list of random shit, most of which was not premeditated and just made up as I went along, which is pretty much how this entire fucking site is written.

Story of the Year
The Iraq war

This one's pretty much a given, and no explanation is needed as to why it was "big." On a more personal note, this war had a pretty big impact on my views of the current administration, politics in general, as well as America in general. This makes a nice pair with the first Gulf War, which also had a huge impact on how I view this country. So it's pretty much 41 and 43's own fault that I have such a negative view of things, and that might be significant if I ever got motivated to actually do anything about it.

Also, the War was one of my motivators for starting this 'blog. If that doesn't make you anti-war, I don't know what will.

Best fighting robot anime that's as much "fighting robot show" as old-school Star Trek is "science fiction"

Like I said, even though this show is now eight years old, and was released here several years back, I didn't see it until last January. I always want to run away from the things that are "popular," but this show's notoriety is well deserved. A show more about story, characters, and their interactions than robots, it just fucking kicks ass.

If you don't like Eva, you're wrong. And Asuka? She's better than your favorite anime character.

Best fighting robot anime that cares way more about the high school romance comedy than robots
Full Metal Panic

Why can't my life be fun, interesting, and humorous like this? Oh, because my life sucks.

Best pure fighting robot show

Who cares? Fighting robot shows are stupid.

Best anime not yet released in gaijin markets
Onegai Twins

Why watch Twins? Because it's fucking dirty.

Best anime that isn't Evangelion
Love Hina

As if you didn't see this one coming. I'm obviously a big fan of the genre I call TBMF (total bullshit male fantasy), but that doesn't quite explain my unnatural and unnecessary attachment to this show. The fact that it's basically a soap opera is probably involved, and I'm for some reason a sucker for these goddamn romantic comedy animes.

Oh, and Shinobu? She's a better person than you are. In fact, she's a better person than anyone, ever. Which is why it's sad that she's just a cartoon character.

Best live comedic act
Robert Schimmel

This was a tough call. This past year, I saw Schimmel twice, Bill Maher, David Cross, Lewis Black, Dave Attell, and Nick Swardson. Schimmel wins since seeing him twice should count for something, plus he always makes it a point to have at least one joke about sex with animals.

Webcomic of the year
Penny Arcade

I'm not a huge gamer, but these guys are a fucking riot. Get Your War On would have won this award had it started this year.

Dogfucker of the year
Rick Santorum


Most dangerous new fetish
Sailor schoolgirls

This one is pretty much ruining my life.

Best 'blog
Fuck Everything

Yeah, this site sucks ass, and there are way better 'blogs out there. But it did keep me more entertained than just about anything this year, and it gave me something to do when bored. So it wins.

Fuck everything post of the year
this one

Amongst other things, I've talked about bestiality, pedophilia, and statutory rape. I've been blatantly insulting and used lots and lots of foul language. I've been "unpatriotic." As yet, I think this post pissed people off more than anything I've ever written.

Fe's biggest dumbass commenter
And Prowse

This stupid fucker wanted me to have a rational argument with him/her (I don't know if "And" is short for something or a full name, either; over here it's just a conjunction). First off, I'm not good at that. Second, if you're bringing to the table studies from the 50s and 60s and trying to pass them off as "empirical" data, I'm just going to make fun of you.

Fe commenters of the year
Matt and Jared

We've had some great comments from people these past several months, but these guys deserve special mention. I couldn't make up my mind as to who to give the crown to, so in typical BLM fashion, I just punted on trying.

Matt deserves mention, if for no other reason, because he has nearly turned commenting into a full-time job. We disagree a decent amount, but the guy comes strong with some intelligent reasoning to back up his otherwise ignorant opinions (just kidding on the ignorant part, Matt). Oh, and he sends me pictures of schoolgirls.

Jared can pick up Orgazmo references while busting out his own Excel Saga references. That garners mad points in my book. Granted, my book sucks, but that's all I've got to offer.

Best site

My infatuation with Galvin is already well documented, so there's no real surprise here. We still don't know if his site won any of those awards, but either way, he will always be number one in my heart.

Best movie
Kill Bill Vol. 1

This was one of the only movies that I felt was worth seeing this year, so I saw it twice. I'm wetting myself with anticipation over Vol. 2.

Worst movie

I don't watch movies.

Best "get your fucking compulsive shopping under control" decision
Not buying Cowboy Bebop

I have this bad habit of buying DVDs of shit I've never seen before. This habit started with Suicide Kings, which paid off big time. I started doing this with anime as well. It worked out when I bought the entire Eva box set not having seen an episode, and of course, there were times when it didn't work out so well. I was thinking "I'm gonna like Bebop, right?" Nearly bought the whole set. Then ETP got the set, I watched some, and I was like "This isn't very good." It's not horrid, but the best way I can describe the show is "a bunch of shit going on with nothing happening." There's action, adventure, humor, and I still come away from every episode feeling empty. Even emptier than any human relationship has ever left me.

Toy of the year

Considering how much my vintage Jetfire set me back, most people would classify this as "worst spending decision of the year," but fuck that.

Best media personality I used to hate but now find highly amusing
Jim Fucking Rome

I used to think that JFR is a smug, arrogant, smart-ass prick. Then I remembered that I like people like that.

Biggest backfire in litigation
Fox sues Al Franken

Fox not only loses the lawsuit, but they help get the word out about Franken's new book. Thanks Fox!

Op-ed Columnist of the year
Do I even need to tell you? Yes, it's Maureen Dowd

Yeah, another given, but Krugman does come in a decently close second, for whatever that's worth. I'm sure both columnists are fucking thrilled.

Worst idea
Logrolling good versus evil

Now everything is going to be exactly like the cover of that Boston album.

Actual worst idea

This is another hard one to nail down. So much stupid shit was passed around this year, like poorly justified pre-emptive war. Fuck it, pre-emptive war wins, because I don't feel like thinking of anything else in this category right now.

Wait! I just remembered freedom fries. That wins HANDS DOWN. If there was ever an indicator as to how much trouble we're in, this is it. Few things sum up my hatred for us as well as this debacle. Let's make it official, shall we?

Worst idea
Freedom fries

Why are you looking for an explanation? I just talked about this right above.

Cunt of the year
Laura Bush

I made this one up just so I could mention Laura Bush, who I do not like.

Live sporting event of the year
John Hancock's Champions on Ice

Why do I go to these things? Well, because I actually do enjoy watching figure skating. Oh, and because Sasha was there.

Album of the year
Fluke Progressive History XXX

Three discs of Flukeitty goodness. I don't know how it is that I haven't burned a hole in disc one yet.

Game of the year
Dead or Alive: Xtreme Barbie Doll Dressup

This game is just too damn amusing.

Most fucked up thing I'm now jaded about
Schoolgirl prostitutes

I read about this all the time in those Japanese tabloid articles. I used to read those articles and say, "damn, that's fucked up." Now I'm like "damn, that's fucked up, but it's nothing new."

Best weekend
NDK 2003

Since you didn't care the first time around, here is a reminder as to what the hell this was about. Too much money was spent, not enough hot women were found, and an unhealthy amount of Pocky was consumed.

Biggest pain in the ass language

One of these days I'll get back into learning this bloody language. Until then, I think Wynette put it best: their syntax isn't different, it's just wrong.

Whiny pussy of the year
White people

This year saw affirmative action brought to the forefront with a couple of big Supreme Court cases. Yet again, we heard the cries from lame white motherfuckers that "we're losing everything!" What the fuck are you losing? You haven't lost shit, so shut the fuck up already. "But I didn't get into my first choice!" Lots of kids don't get into their first choice. "But I was better qualified! It's unfair!" Where the the fuck is it written that life is supposed to be fair? Why don't you go pick cotton or something? Oh, because you don't have to.

Least favorite group

There are lots of Xtians out there who have never done anything to piss me off. Even though I don't buy into your superstitions, my apologies to those who don't piss me off. Unfortunately, there's a huge group of misfits who are bringing your whole religion down, and as such warrant special mention.

Biggest mistake

Americans like to think that just because we're the most powerful nation on earth, we can do whatever the hell we want because no one else matters. That probably won't come back to bite us in the ass.

Most satisfying moment
Roy Moore loses his job

I know that the joy of seeing this assface lose his job over the Ten Commandments monument will become short-lived as soon as I find out how much money he's making off of speaking tours and shit. Until then, I'm gonna enjoy it.

Imaginary character of the year

I was tempted to name God or Jesus for this one, but those fabled and as-yet unfound WMD get the award this year.

Biggest sign yet that the USA-PATRIOT Act is evil
Asscroft goes on tour

You know things are bad when Asscroft has to run around the country trying to indoctrinate the German people.

Most sickeningly overused piece of symbolism
Saddam statue being pulled down

I get it, okay?

Most welcome exit
Ari Fleischer quits as press secretary

I once said that I wished I could turn myself inside out just so I could bleed on Ari Fleischer. I don't like that guy.

Most welcome permanent exit
Strom Thurmond

I think the world might be a slightly better place now that this cocksucker is dead.

Most insidious political maneuver
Sneaking elements of the failed PATRIOT-II into an intelligence spending bill

There's been lots of fucked up shit going on, but this one is the worst I can think of at the moment. I have a feeling lots of people don't even know about this, and it's not like our wonderful media gave it a lot of coverage to try and get the word out.

Best judicial trend
Signing on to the so-called "gay agenda"

First we had the U.S. Supreme Court tell us that sodomy is OK. Then we had the Massachusetts Supreme Court give the thumbs up to gay marriage. Sad that we need these old fuckers to tell us this, but it's about bloody time that someone did.

Best moment in the judiciary
Antonin Scalia has a huge metal pole shoved up his ass

This didn't really happen, but it would have definitely made this list had it taken place.

Asshole lifetime achievement award
The Catholic Church

As if these people hadn't done enough ignorant shit for, I dunno, hundreds and hundreds of years, there was last year's "don't use condoms because they actually HELP spread AIDS" bullshit. Pure evil, plain and simple. Oh, and there's that whole child molestation thing, which, apparently, can and SHOULD be swept under the rug.

Biggest asshole
The Bush administration

Like you couldn't see this one coming. If you want my justification for this, go into the archives and read just about any post found within.

Close runner up for biggest asshole
The Democratic party

Thanks for continuing to lay down and let the big R run all over your asses. How are you guys feeling about next year's election prospects? Yeah, that's what I thought.

Democrat of the year
Position still open

No one has done anything to give me any hope that the little d will get shit done, either legislatively or electorally.

Biggest dumbass
The American people

Regardless of what I think of our "leaders," we're still the ones stupid enough to put up with this shit.

Biggest dumbass, special mention

They fall under the umbrella of "American people," but need to be called out on their own for falling prey to a bullshit power grab and for electing Schwarzenegger.

Person I'd most like to see go away

There's no way I can narrow this down to just one person.

Dumbest trend that I hope has gone away
Flash mobs

I don't know if this nonsense is still going on, but regardless, the fact that they ever happened just goes to show how fucking stupid we are.

Biggest pussy
Tony Blair

Such a smart guy, and he's backing down to George W. Bush?

Biggest letdown

Once again, we have left me with the impression that there is no hope, and that we're completely fucked.

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