Easy joke, yes, I know

Well, that might explain a lot.

It will be interesting to see what the Democrats will do to fuck this up. And by interesting, I mean infuriating. They should be even further out ahead at this point considering that pretty much everything is going against the Republicans these days. I think Ted Rall put it best. But yes, there are several months until election day, and that gives the Democrats plenty of time to pull off another tank job. No matter how good it might seem, they'll blow it at some point -- they're the Nintendo of politics.

Well, that was another fantastic waste of time. Man, I want us to be looking into this, but so far, it's just fruitless.

Justice Department spokesman Brian Roehrkasse said the terrorist surveillance program "has been subject to extensive oversight both in the executive branch and in Congress from the time of its inception."

Somehow I get the sense they weren't taking the investigation seriously if their standpoint was that everything was already OK.

Roehrkasse noted the OPR's mission is not to investigate possible wrongdoing in other agencies, but to determine if Justice Department lawyers violated any ethical rules.

Wait, what? Then what the fuck was the point of this anyway? Other than a token effort just to distract people, of course. And I guess that answers my question.

Separately, the Justice Department sought last month to dismiss a federal lawsuit accusing the telephone company AT&T of colluding with the Bush administration's warrantless wiretapping program.

The lawsuit, brought by an Internet privacy group, does not name the government as a defendant, but the Department of Justice has sought to quash the lawsuit, saying it threatens to expose government and military secrets.

Yeah, the Justice Department's stance on all of this is pretty clear. I hate to have to go Star Trek on the situation, but Captain Picard's words are very apropos: "A matter of internal security: the age-old cry of the oppressor."

And if you haven't heard about AT&T's involvement in all this (and as I just discovered, most of the other major telecoms as well), that's pretty fucked up, too. The lengths that these people will go to in order to "protect" us is astounding, and we probably don't even know the half of it yet.

Again, I know this is my solution to a lot of problems, but this kid and kids like him oughta be killed. Twelve years in school? Fuck you, dooshe. You know, I have a friend who has been in school since '97 and still doesn't have her undergrad, but she's at least academically brilliant, she just can't get her shit together in the common sense realm. This kid, on the other hand:

Had he graduated, he would have earned a liberal studies degree in education, communications, theater, health and women's studies.

Yeah, those have "genius" written all over them. I guess he's better off in school since he'll never do shit with any of those, so again, let's just kill him. I mean, just look at that fuck-off. The picture alone is enough to warrant death. Nobody who looks like that is anything but a dipshit.

The Heat Is On

Lately I've been repeatedly listening to songs that I'm pretty sure cause permanent brain damage. You know, songs that you don't want to want to listen to, but you have to because they're oh-so-catchy. You feel nothing but shame every time you listen to and enjoy them, but that doesn't deter you. And I don't mean stuff that's older and even has a kitsch factor going for it (like, say, something by Boston or "Kung Fu Fighting"); no, I mean shit that's just plain fucking bad. A sampling:

• Frankie Goes to Hollywood - "Relax": Abstinence! The song! Frankie Goes to Hollywood might be the worst band ever.
  
• Eddie Grant - "Electric Avenue": Good god! What the fuck is this song even about?
  
• Anything by 2Unlimited: I burned a copy of a 2Unlimited CD off a friend, and after labeling it I crossed out "2Unlimited" and then wrote under it "Jock Jams."
  
• Right Said Fred - "I'm too sexy": Yeah, What other fucking Right Said Fred song would I mention? Admit it, you like it, right along with...
  
• Vanilla Ice - Yeah, okay, this one is also obvious.
  
• Kid Rock - "Bawitdaba": I can get on board with Kid Rock a little bit easier since he's not popular anymore.
  
• Loverboy - "Everybody's Working for the Weekend": Because those are Loverboy songs, Err... And Loverboy has always sucked.
  
• Winger - "Seventeen": No one should ever admit to getting into a song by Winger, but we do when it comes to this crap masterpiece. No, I don't like it because of that. Okay, yes I do.
  
• Anything by Kenny Loggins: Yes, this includes "Danger Zone." Shit, especially "Danger Zone."

What would you add to the list that gets you going but you're embarrassed by? Don't get all clever and mention shit that most of us have never heard of (It was this requirement that prevented me from putting stuff by Vengaboys on this list... But if they're well-known enough they'll be retroactively added). Any mention of Huey Lewis and the News is not allowed, because we know how strongly I feel about the best band of the 80s. The same goes for Steve Winwood, who must be referred to as Steve Fucking Winwood from here on out.

I want to find a way to get on board with this, but I just can't. The only things that should smell like Play-Doh are Play-Doh itself, the can that Play-Doh lives in, and your hands after you play with Play-Doh.

The company that is making the Play-Doh frarance, though, what a piece of work those assholes are. Here is a sampling of their fragrances, and I am not making any of these up:

• Basil
  
• Beet root
  
• Bourbon (lots of men smell like this anyway)
  
• Birthday cake
  
• Black pepper
  
• Cannabis flower
  
• Cappuccino
  
• Cedar (great for drawers and closets...)
  
• Condensed milk (their page on this fragrance goes into almost disturbing detail on the history and process of making condensed milk)
  
• Cosmopolitan cocktail (like women need more than a night out to smell like Cosmos)
  
• Dirt (Dirt? Yes, dirt.)
  
• Dust
  
• Earthworm
  
• Holy water (?)
  
• Pipe tobacco
  
• Riding crop
  
• Sushi (Eating it, good; wearing it, especially after a night of Jack, bad)
  
• Turpentine (WTF?)
  
• Urine (okay, that one I made up -- but I did have to double-check their list to make sure)

And there are tons more, but I finally got sick of going through the list. You can just check for yourself. You know, some of those scents are pleasant, but I can't imagine why you'd want to smell like some of them. And as far as some of the fruity and flowery ones, isn't that what you girls have all those nice smelling lotions from Bath & Bodyworks for? And they don't even have raspberry, the fucking hacks!

Then there are the ones like turpentine that I can't even imagine what the fuck is wrong with you that would possess you to want to smell like that voluntarily. Well, I can imagine; you're an idiot. But are people actually buying and using this shit? I'd like to say that their sales can't be very brisk, but as we know, there are a lot of "creative and crazy" people out there who would -- and probably do -- eat this shit up.

Wow. Just, wow. This may be the single most clever thing they've ever done, and that's saying a lot.

Searches:

the proper way to fuck the white man's wife

If you have to ask this question, you are not cool enough to be a black guy. Maybe this guy wasn't black to begin with, in which case it's a moot point. But the very fact that you're fucking the white man's wife shows you are doing it properly. What better way to stick it to The Man? It's also nice to see how far we've come in race relations, what with Google searchers like this and people like me who aren't helping matters any.

black mans cum whore

You may wish to speak with the previous searcher.

how do I decide on a career when i suck equally at everything

Kill yourself.

definition of ignorance is strength

You, dear Google searcher, are the poster child for strength.

fun ways to fuck

For my next list of 10, I'm going to put together a collection of boring ways to fuck. Seriously, if you make a query as stupid as this, you deserve nothing but boring sex for the rest of your life.

xxx forced to fuck in jail

Yes, this is a great idea -- I'd love to see Vin Diesel get raped in prison.

major big twat

I'll bet Major Big Twat is friends with Admiral Blowhard. I also think that would make a great Indian name -- Chief Big Twat.

how to force yourself to swallow sperm

What? How exactly do you force yourself to do anything you don't want to do? Either you suck it up and get the job done, or you don't.

is there a medication for someone who has trouble with instant gratification

Yes, but there is a three-week waiting period to get it. If you can't wait and need the problem fixed right away, the suggested substitute is rat poison. Seriously, fuck you, dude. The way to deal with instant gratification is to get what you want as soon as you can. If you can't handle that, you are a failure as a spoiled child. Or poor.

I hate elitist pieces of shit

And we hate you, and everyone else for that matter. Boy, did this Google searcher ever come to the wrong place.

hate ocd ruins everything good

OCD doesn't ruin everything good. In fact, it makes some good things cleaner. While pissing off everyone you know.

fuck masheen

Once he's done making clothes for little girls, The Fuck Masheen should be Charlie Sheen's next business venture.

I want tony blair's big cock

I'd be curious to know how you discovered he has a big cock to begin with. Especially considering that the man apparently has no balls.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

I never expected to see Jeffrey's "Oh-face," but there it is (sorta). Once you read his justification, though, one can totally understand. That also may be the best cameo ever.

We used to hate people. Now we just make fun of them. It's more effective that way.

Except that it's not. Seriously, this is what we've been reduced to? We can't catch or kill this guy, and we can't do anything to come close to stopping all of the shit that's going on over there, so we'll just resort to trying to embarrass them. Great. Proud to be an American.

Lynch was asked how al-Zarqawi can be a "terror mastermind" if he can't handle a firearm.
...
"Why he's their leader, I don't know."

I think Bush himself has proven that you don't need to be an actual genius to convince a bunch of retards that you're really smart and capable. When you're having other people do all the dirty work -- which simply amounts to blowing shit up -- it seems to be pretty easy. Maybe al-Zarqawi really is some kind of mastermind. Or maybe he just had Terrell Davis and John Elway. Or IEDs; I get confused easily. But yeah, if he's actually a dumbass, then they just learned really well from the example our "leader" has set.

Not that anyone gives a shit, but in case if you're old school and don't bookmark and want to save some typing, you can now get to this crappy 'blog via bitterlittleman.com in addition to the existing bitterlittleman.net address. Kinda pointless since it just redirects you to blogspot, but I almost feel like I could maybe consider thiknking about pretending to be legit someday now that I've got the rights to the .com, so I just felt the need to let everyone know.

Spam:

To whom it may concern,

Let us inform you that MNS, Inc starts a new project in the USA and is looking for a reliable, well-motivated and well-executive person to take care of the project's needs. The job requires a flexible schedule shift.

According to this fact we are offering you a position of the Executive Manager of MNS, Inc. If you are interested in starting business activity or searching a secure managing job, please response this message for more detailed description of the opportunity with your CV or Resume attached to the message. Please forward all your questions and comments to job@mnsservice.com

With due respect,
Human resources department of MNS, Inc.

I'm a little afraid to response this e-mail because I'm still in awe at finding out I'm a well-executive person but never knew it. And why the fuck do I need to give them my resume if they're already offering me the job? Is this the same company I was working for that couldn't hire me because I didn't have a diploma?

P.S. to anyone getting here via a search engine: If you got the above e-mail or something similar and thought it was legitimate, you're an moron.

How much do you wanna bet that the DA in this case was rejected by an Asian girl he was pursuing at some point in his life? Dude, we get that she committed a really fucked up crime, but c'mon.

They had threatened to sell her piano if she did not win a state-wide competition, she wrote.

She said they had grounded her for scoring only 96% in an exam.

And, when she disappointed them, she said they had forced her to stand naked in a corner.

If that's all true, tell me the mother wasn't asking for it. I'm not saying she shoulda killed her, but I understand. Berating a kid for getting 96 on an exam? That's the kind of shit I used to do to myself in high school, and back then I was even more in need of a beating than I am now.

But yeah, having to deal with that shit as a teen, and a lot of people will probably snap at some point. Sure, they're not all gonna hack their parents up, but still. It seems more like there are extenuating circumstances here that full-on, balls-out prison isn't exactly the right answer for. She might not be a danger to others (except maybe her dad) at this point, but who knows what over eight years inside will do to her. Or maybe she really was just a psychopath all along; who knows. I'd be interested to see the psych evaluations on her. Because, you know, psychologists and psychiatrists are a real useful bunch, what with that exact science of theirs.

And yes, maybe some of my thinking is motivated by the fact that a decently good-looking Asian girl is going to rot in prison over this, and that in and of itself seems like such a waste. I'll admit that.

I found some links to her 'blog stuff at the bottom of this page. Haven't read through too much, but yeah, mostly just the kind of teen shit you'd expect from the looks of it.

Speaking of killers with 'blogs, those in the states probably heard about that nutjob in Oklahoma who killed that 10-year-old girl a couple weeks back. If you don't know the story, seriously, you'd probably rather not know. I was gonna comment on it before, but considering my track record on certain things (see last post), it just felt awkward. Anyway, I tracked down his blog after CNN showed a screenshot of it. If you're so inclined, you can kill some time reading through his shit. I just re-read that last sentence, and I realized that "kill some time" was probably not the best choice of words I could have used there.

I read back a couple of years, and yeah, the guy was messed up. Hated his life, hated his jobs, and was just an out-and-out lonely loser. He doesn't give any real indications what he's planning, but you can tell he has some serious problems (no shit, BLM; thanks for the newsflash). Obviously has some issues with his mother, he won't get his shit in gear with anything, and then there was this girl he met online several years back who he was going to move out to California to live with until she called it off at the last minute. So yeah, years of being a total wreck capped off with that, and here we are. Of course, in Esmie's case, I can make the argument for cutting her some slack, but not in this guy's case. Yes, I feel as if I have to specifically point out my stance on this, because I can be a bit nebulous as to exactly how fucked up I am.

One thing that got quoted a lot in news stories was this:

He mentions cannibalism, asking "If you were a cannibal, what would you wear to dinner?" and responding: "The skin of last night's main course."

This kinda pissed me off once I saw where that was located on his 'blog -- in the Blogger profile. The question was one of the random, stupid-ass questions that the profile generator asks. He didn't ask the question, Blogger did. I'm not saying it isn't of interest that he left this up there, but does Blogger get some kind of assist on this crime? The subtle misrepresentation of a psycho who needs no misrepresentation really irked me.

The worst thing about his 'blog, though, are the comments, of which there are naturally a ton of that were left after he committed the crime and people found his 'blog. Why must people insist on saying stupid shit like that? Never mind the fact that he's never going to read any of the inane comments. That's my favorite thing about this country; our ability to turn an awful tragedy into an even bigger travesty when we inevitably flaunt our collective stupidity for all to see.

The downside of being better than everyone else is that people tend to assume you're pretentious.

When I see a headline such as this one in CNN's "Entertainment" section, it should really turn out much more entertaining than an article about a probably-shitty pretensionfest of a band.

I actually debated whether or not I should publish this because of, you know, but once I busted out "pretensionfest" it gave me a great idea. The great idea, of course, is PretensionFest. How cool would this be? Just me and the other pretentious assholes I like doing what we do best. I don't like most people who are pretentious, but I sure enjoy being pretentious.

Woo hoo! A post!

There are few people dumber There are a lot of stupid people in the world, but this couple gets the prize for the day. Not too long ago you had triplets, yet you continued to fuck without something getting snipped or tied? The only good thing about this article was that the word "miracle" wasn't mentioned anywhere. In fact:

With a tiny baby in each arm, Sharon Fontana said she's ready for motherhood -- times six.

"I am, I guess. I don't have much choice."

There's enthusiasm. And technically, you have lots of choices.

Of course, on top of letting this happen in the first place, these people gave each set of triplets names that all start with the same initial. Rich and Sharon Fontana, you are assholes.

Awesome.

Another load of search engine shit. Behold:

fuck my deck

Sounds like a good weekend project.

sex pills for women to fuck anyone

Dude, if you don't know about roofies, then you are a failure as a date rapist. Which, I suppose, is a good thing, unless if this is Porky Pig and he's gonna see Elmer Fudd soon.

freeballing in track

"Dude, did you see that guy's balls?"
"Yeah... They were weird-looking."

women's panties/ built in dongs

Look, a strapon I can understand. But can any of you ladies explain to me the utility of an item such as this? "I want the comfort of a pair of regular panties, with the added benefit of others thinking I have a man's junk." That's all I can come up with at the moment.

girls who fuck on the water

Now that right there is a fucking miracle.

fuck me right

This doesn't make sense -- the Republicans are against fucking.

how to fuck a grill

... And something to do after we finish off the deck. I'm pretty sure I've gotten this before; are people just badly misspelling "girl" by transposing the 'i' and the 'r' and then adding an extra 'l'? Or are people really looking to fuck their grill? If it's the latter, here's a tip: you wanna do it right after you've cooked up some food on it.

is everything going to be ok

This search hit actually kinda depressed me, because you can just feel the naive desperation of this person coming through MSN search. They pretty much got their answer when they landed here, too. Of course, one shouldn't need my site if they have been paying attention to anything (as most people don't), or, shit, if they knew anything at all about entropy.

japanese hottie blogspot

On the surface, this is another hit that doesn't look too interesting. What is interesting is that it came from usdoj.gov. When I first saw 'usdoj.gov' in my traffic log, I was like, "oh, shit." But then I was pleasantly surprised to see this, my tax dollars at work. I can get behind this waste of tax dollars before a lot of others, though, which is pretty sad.

Der flammenwerfer

Wow. Just, wow. The bullshit has officially gotten so thick that you're gonna need to get out your flamethrower to bust through it.

When the NSA wiretapping program began, Mr. Joel wasn't working for the intelligence office, but he says he has reviewed it and finds no problems.

Yeah, exactly.

"Although you might have concerns about what might potentially be going on, those potentials are not actually being realized and if you could see what was going on, you would be reassured just like everyone else," he says.

Oh, ok, now I feel reassured.

And therein lies the problem he faces: how to provide enough insight into government intelligence efforts to ease concerns about privacy invasions while protecting the usefulness of secret programs.

The problem he faces? What problem? How hard is it to be a mouthpiece and rubber-stamp man?

Mr. Joel's mission, like those of the other privacy cops, appears aimed more at policy than policing. While there might be occasion to look into complaints, he says most of his work is focused on creating a dialogue with government officials, intelligence operatives and others so they're thinking about privacy and civil liberties and ways to tailor a program to ensure rights aren't compromised.

Alright, alright, now I'm comforted. When they do ill shit to violate privacy and civil liberties, it will make it oh-so-much better knowing that they had some dialogue and thought about it before doing what they wanted to anyway.

In other news, I'm creating the post of Officer of Bad and Tasteless Jokes to create dialogue and get me thinking about offensive material before I release it into the wild as originally intended. I will also be appointing a Swearing Czar.

Fuckers.

One of these days I'm gonna have a house with a lawn and I'm gonna erect a giant statue of Chairman Mao. It just sounds like a good idea. I'd do it now but I'm guessing the HOA would not approve of such a venture.

I just realized that beating off on Easter should be referred to as "The Second Coming"

As I've pointed out before, I don't watch much TV. Again, I don't do it to try and think I'm cool like one of those people who brags about how they don't watch TV or don't even own a TV. And I'm not one of those people who refers to it as the "idiot box" and I think people who have a "Kill your TV" bumper sticker should drown themselves in a bathtub. Or, better yet, plug the TV in and drop it in the bathtub while you're in it too. How do you kill an inanimate object anyway, professor?

No, I'm not that kind of asshole (here at Fe, I never want to give you the wrong impression as to exactly what kind of asshole I really am). But I do still loathe most of what's on TV because it flat-out sucks, and that's why even though it wouldn't be such a financial burden at this juncture, I'm not bumping my cable package up above the basic $10 one I'm rolling with now. The only reason I have any cable, after all, is because having cable gets me a $10 discount on my internet service. If I get rid of cable, they hook me ten bucks more a month anyway, so it's a wash and may as well keep something.

You see, when I turn on the TV, I run through the handful of channels, declare that, once again, all that's on is rubbish, and then I'm done with it. Things were the same before when I had more channels, meaning that the results were the same but it just took longer to get through all the drivel.

About the only time I end up watching any TV is when I'm around ETP and BOETP. Since we're old and either have nothing to do or nothing we want to do, lots of times the TV ends up coming on and we look through all the shit. I saw a few things last night that I thought were worth mentioning.

The first thing we got into was some Christian programming. There is nothing worse on TV than religious shit, and the stuff we saw last night was (expectedly) a fucking atrocity. The first thing we saw that really sucked us in was a show called -- this is too stupid to make up -- Acquire the Fire. The theme for that particular show was how -- again, too stupid to make up -- Christianity was under siege and in grave danger of having its numbers dwindle. Why? Because of rampant marketing and consumerism that is taking young people away from Him. Most of the episode was dedicated to this story about the near future where only 4% of the world is Christian, and Christianity is viewed unfavorably in America. God, if only that would come true.

In the "future" world, things are basically a police state and everyone is a mindless drone who eats the shit that corporate America feeds them. You know, just like now. Only in ATF's future, Christian faith is driven underground and believers are dealt with harshly. Not as harshly as throwing them to the lions as I'd like, but hey. Anyway, the episode of ATF continues with a fictitious future show that is broadcast on "Internet 2", AKA i2 (clever, these Xtians are), which is the new medium for delivering masses of shit to the masses. The fictitious show is hosted by this obnoxious cunt who is probably Xtian in real life and should be thrown to the lions at any rate.

During one particular broadcast, a couple of "hackers" hijack the signal feed to try and spread the message and urge repressed Xtians worldwide to stand up for their beliefs. This is where things really unravel. It was bad enough before -- they're talking about people being mindless, and easily led and manipulated by others, and told how to think, and blah blah blah. Of course, the manipulator in their eyes is the corporate world, with the great irony being that everything they're complaining about is exactly what religion does to it's ignorant masses. But once the two "hackers" get caught, they really start rubbing this fact in, totally unaware of what dumb shitheads they all are. And it's not just that; this is when all sorts of childish humor that I guess is funny to Xtians kicks into high gear.

I don't want to be redundant here or anything, but I have to be in this case. Christians: your jokes aren't funny. I know you think they're super, but they're shit, errrrrr, number 2. The only religious people with good jokes, as we all know, are the Jews. And as ETP pointed out, the key there might be that Jews don't think their own jokes are funny, whereas Christians think their number 2 smells like roses.

In addition to deriding the rest of society for doing the exact same things that keep religion in business to begin with, there's the overarching theme of Christianity being under attack. You know, the same bullshit mentality that has Bill O'Reilly complaining about Christmas being threatened, and his constant ranting about "secularists" (oh, the ignominy of it all, in a supposedly secular country!). I mean, what the fuck? Yeah, Christianity is really in danger here. How many of you fuckers are there out there? It's like white males complaining "we're losing everything!" Fuck you, dooshe -- you already have everything, and could stand to give a little of it back since so much of it was stolen in one way or another anyway.

The creators of ATF even have this movement called -- yet again, too stupid to make up -- Battle Cry. Christ, that's pathetic.

Overall, though, it shows that these assholes just do not get it. There was one part where they were talking about the "future" and something along the lines of how "'separation of church and state' is repeated as a mantra" and frequently used to inspire police action. Hello? Separation of church and state, motherfuckers! That should always be used as a reason for taking some kind of action. Even though we don't have separation of church and state in this country, it's a really good idea that should be enforced you dumb stupid fucking retards.

Oh, and another thing: Xtians, your music, especially your shitty "rock" music, sucks as bad as your jokes. Don't even get me started on the music videos that accompany it.

I really wish I could convey what a farce this all was. The sheer hypocrisy was both mind-blowingly hilarious and annoying all at once. If you get programming from the Daystar Xtian TV network in your area, see if you can catch some Acquire the Fire and see for yourself.

Okay, I really didn't mean to go off on Xtianity like that, but you know I'm always happy to do so when it comes up. And I've been pointing out how stupid Islam is quite a bit recently, so it was due time to give the Jesus fucks a little bit of Fe love. Now on to other mindless ventures.

Another thing I did last night was force myself to sit through some of Carson Daly's talk show Last Call. Why did I do this to myself? I don't know, maybe the guestbook people are right and I really don't like myself after all. Either that or I had some liquor in me and, hey, why not get it on with an ugly whore when you're in that state. And that's what this show is; just a disgusting piece of street trash that everyone should avoid at all costs. Of course, there are plenty of morons out there with no standards, and they will get in bed with this skank of their own volition even when totally sober.

I didn't watch much, and I didn't need to. I mercifully switched channels before Molly Sims came on (oh yay, a stupid cunt who's not fucking attractive), but I watched enough to see all of the lame fucking jokes (I mean, sub-Leno type stuff), all of the shit geared towards younger audiences, and good god, the homophobia. Carson Daly: fuck you. You're a fag, and not the kind of fag that we like here at Fe.

Hi, I'm Carson Daly, and I'm a massive tool.

Is Carson Daly supposed to be cute? I get the sense that a bunch of girls would go apeshit over him, but not this girl. He just looks weird. Kinda like if you took Robbie Williams, shrunk his head along the x-axis, and then yanked hard on his ears until they stretched. But yeah, I think he's supposed to be attractive, or at least, that's how he's marketed. "You're just jealous because he can get a bunch of pussy and you can't, BLM!" Nah, that's not really it. I'm sure he can get laid pretty much whenever he wants, but that's not enough to invoke my hatred. I'm sure Clive Owen can get whatever trim he wants, and we all know how I feel about him.

Another talk show and its host that needs to be put to sleep is Jimmy Kimmel. Kimmel can be entertaining at times, but watching him for five minutes last night was also grating. The only reason I didn't switch the channel pretty quickly was because Charlie Sheen was on, and I am down with Masheen. For me, Sheen is up there in Clive Owen and Orlando Bloom territory. Honestly, though, if you, as a man, can't get on board with how good-looking Charlie Sheen is and what a bad-ass he is with that smooth attitude he's got, you're gay. I'm not impressed with Two and a Half Men, but that doesn't detract from what he is.

I'm getting off on another tangent here, though. One thing that came up while Kimmel was interviewing him was that Sheen is starting a line of clothes for little girls. Once more, I am not making this up. Look for yourself. Do a search for "Sheen Kidz" and you can find a sampling of what his line will be offering.

At first, I was like, this has to be a joke. Charlie Sheen making a line of clothes for girls seems about as appropriate as, well, me making a line of clothes for girls. But as the interview went on, I was like, no, he's serious. Then I verified it this morning, and there you have it. I suppose Sheen has cleaned up in the past few years, and he's a dad and shit now, so it doesn't seem as awkward as I initially thought. But still.

Out of the few channels I get, one is the Jesus channel, and two of the others are the Spanish channels, Univision and Telemundo. I'm fine with the Spanish channels; anyone who's watched one knows about the hot chicks on Spanish-language soap operas and Sabado Gigante. Don Francisco also kicks ass. But last night I caught a Ronco infomercial. Most all of us are familiar with Mr. Popeil's shitty gadgets, but I saw one last night that was just fucking disturbing. Keep in mind who this is coming from; I've either seen or imagined some fucked up shit, and what I saw really bothered me.

What vexed me so? The solid flavor injector. That right there is a big-ass syringe for ejaculating food into other food. And "ejaculating" really is the best word to describe it. It wasn't so much the product itself as the video that this particular infomercial had to demonstrate the product. Someone would shove the injector into a chunk of raw meat, and then they would show corn and other veggies being shot into the raw meat so that they could be cooked together after fertilization. They showed this from inside the meat. I don't remember if it was real or just an animation, and it doesn't matter in either case. The image of the veggies being pumped inside damaged me. It just looked unnatural. Watching it, I wasn't sure if I wanted to beat off or start screaming hysterically and crying. Probably all of the above.

Okay, so congratulations, you just spent Friday night with me. You'd probably rather not be around Saturday night, though, because I most likely will be beating off, I'm just not sure if I can do it without the haunting thoughts of that goddamn solid flavor injector. I will, however, be testing out my liquid flavor injector, if you know what I mean.

Sometimes nigga you gotta race quit your fucking bitching

I like Dave Chappelle. He's a funny guy, and has to be in my top ten list of comics. I never saw much of Chappelle's Show, but I am certainly sick and tired of hearing shit about him quitting it. If it's finally done, and never coming back, fine. Shut the fuck up about it, Dave. I'm tired of all the whiney excuses. "I had to sell out, boo hoo!" is basically how it's coming across.

Sorry, but that seems to be the nature of things in that business. Someone throws fifty mill at you, which you agree to, and I'm guessing you're going to have to allow yourself to be compromised. That doesn't make it right; that's just how it is. I don't doubt that he went through some shit, and it's hard to fault someone for sticking to principle. Except when they sign that big contract beforehand while knowing full well what's probably gonna happen.

"I felt like I was really pressured to settle for something that I didn't necessarily feel like I wanted."

Again, boo hoo. Sell out or don't, I don't give a shit, but quit the nonsense complaining.

"The thing about show business is that, in a way, it forces dysfunctional relationships in people."

Duh. Not a single one of us needs to be in show business to know that everyone involved in it is fucked up.

"The bottom line was, white people own everything, and where can a black person go and be himself or say something that's familiar to him and not have to explain or apologize?"

And quitting your show helps this situation how?

I should really reserve judgment until I've read the full article (which I won't), but this seems pretty consistent with everything I've heard since he went AWOL. Let's all go watch Killin' Them Softly, which is one of the better comedy specials ever put together, and try and forget all this ever happened.

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So I was reading yesterday that Muhammad Ali made some crazy jack selling the marketing rights to himself. That's fine by me. And it's pretty logical for any Muhammad Ali business venture to have "The Greatest of All Time" attached to it, but I don't know if they should really be putting that acronym out there -- G.O.A.T. It just doesn't seem right. Plus, it makes me want to start a business whose acronym is G.O.A.T.S.E., which, of course, stands for "The Greatest of All Time Shakes Endlessly."

That may be tasteless, but many if not most of you won't get how unnecessary it really is. And honestly, I don't have much sympathy for boxers who develop neurological disorders since, after all, their job involves repeatedly getting punched in the head.

This is also an excuse to bring up one of my favorite jokes of all-time, which comes to us from The Onion:



New Grill To Revive Foreman-Ali Rivalry

What?

I got several hits in a row where that was my immediate reaction, so I decided to get kind of a theme going and shoehorn what came after into that theme. I'm clever. It's working out pretty well for me. Either that, or, it gets old pretty quickly, but if I come up with an idea, god damn if I don't execute on it (within the allowed 7%, of course). But yeah, a lot of the hits I get make you question, well, everything.

chewbacca nudie pics

What? Isn't Chewbacca always naked? Or are you one of those kinky fucks who's into shaved Wookie?

m5 is a piece of shit

What? Is it an E39 or E60? Yeah, those are pieces of shit. I suppose I could go through the trouble and take it off your hands for you.

smb3 sucks the god damn fucking game is to fucking hard

What? How big of a dumbass pussy do you have to be to be to get this frustrated over Super Mario Brothers 3? That's, like, one of the best games ever. It's up there with Zelda and shit. But is it hard? The game isn't Super R-Type on novice easy, nor is it the recent Ninja Gaiden hard. It's just about right, I'd say. I know this has become my solution to nearly everything, but if you are having this much trouble with SMB3, just kill yourself.

oh how i hate you and everything you stand for because you are that everything the perfect metaphor

What?

different ways to fuck your wife

What? Since when do married couples have sex with each other? I suppose it could happen, though. And if so, how bad do you feel for this guy's wife? I guess in the end I don't feel too bad; it's your fault if you marry a stem like this. I'm sure that was a fun courtship. "Fuck me." "Wait, first I need to do some Google searches."

proper way to give a blowjob

What? I've never understood how, with minimal thought and effort, you can fuck up a blowjob. Do I need to make another list of 10? Sure, there are going to be different levels in terms of head quality, but I have never seen how it could be anything but good unless if teeth end up involved. For me, at least. I'm sure some guys dig that; if you read this week's Savage Love, you see that there are some guys who like getting their balls cut off. And you know what? If a guy wants his cock chewed or his nuts chopped off, indulge him. You're doing everyone else a favor.

cool shit to do in chicago

What? Kill yourself.

"pseudo-adult" definition

Ibid.

Oh, and to close out, one more question: why are we walking like this?

Back off, man. I'm a scientist.

This just in: praying doesn't do shit. Okay, that's not just in; I read that last week. And I knew praying was stupid long before that. But anyway, I find it rather embarrassing that a respected institution like Duke would waste their time with something like this. Sure, it puts some kind of clinical, official stamp on the issue, but this is something we should all know if we're not idiots, which many of us are.

I find this even more embarassing than that whole rape scandal they have going on. No, not that one. But when it comes to student athletes getting drunk, going nuts, raping strippers, errrrr, exotic dancers, and sending e-mails about skinning people alive, we expect that, at least from the guys. And this is why male student athletes should be exterminated.

Distant prayer and the bedside use of music, imagery and touch (MIT therapy) did not have a significant effect upon the primary clinical outcome observed in patients... Therapeutic effects were noted, however, among secondary measures...

If you don't already know this, you're a retard. Can I get a job on staff at Duke Medical? If you know people are praying for you or you are praying yourself, I can see how it could have some side benefits. By lowering stress and whatnot it may help matters a little, but it's not going to directly fix what's wrong. And why not? Do I even need to answer that question here anymore?

I really don't have anything new to add to this notion since I've been over this before, but it really does need to be said once more what a bunch of weak-ass shit prayer is. Praying for yourself is bad enough, but the absolute worst is praying for someone else. That is the biggest fucking cop-out ever. Nah, I'm not going to do anything real to help this person; I'm going to say some words (maybe not even out loud) to a man who doesn't exist or wouldn't do shit anyway even if he did. It's merely a way for the powerless to feel like they're doing something or having an impact when they aren't.

Another religious item that came up recently was this, which is yet another waste of fucking time. Okay, it pisses of some Christfuckers, so it's not a total waste, but really. Do we need to explain those stories from the bible, events which for all we know may or may not have ever happened? Maybe Jesus really walked on water. Maybe it was actually something he was floating on. Or maybe, just maybe it's all total made-up bullshit. We have no way of knowing what happened, if anything, because none of us were there. So stop all this intellectual masturbating, for Christ's sake.