I've had it up to here with Venezuela. I think we should just attack them and obliterate their country just to shut them up. "There, you happy now, Hugo? You were right." Dude, no one is coming after you. You don't like us, we don't like you, but we're too busy fucking up other shit at the moment to bother with you. I think Hugo is just bent that we're paying more attention to Iran and Ahmadinejad at the moment. Nothing more pathetic than a jealous world leader asshole.

Venezuelan congressman Ismael Garcia, a supporter of Mr Chavez, said the computer game was preparation work for a real invasion.

"I think the US government knows how to prepare campaigns of psychological terror so they can make things happen later," he said.

Yeah, no. Out governemt is a dooshebag, but if they're going to fuck with someone, a mass-market video game is not going to figure heavily into their plans. Note to Venezuela: quit stirring up the specter of a future attack just to drum up popular support. Hmmmmm, we're have we seen that tactic before, anyway?

Oh, and Mercenaries 2: World In Flames might be one of the coolest game titles ever.

Since I mentioned freeballing at one point, I naturally get the occasional search hit for that. Last night I was looking through the Google results for one particular hit, curious as to what exact post had been run down in that search, and I found this, the official site of the Freeballers of America. By virtue of the subject it's all kinda tongue-in-cheek (seems like there's a joke in there... maybe I should say "ball-in-sack" or something), but they do still seem pretty serious about freeballing and freeballer rights. And that's... Great. Look, if you need to roll without underwear, fine, you do what you gotta do. It's not important enough that you need to announce it to everyone else in the world. Oh, and be sure to keep your nuts and ass clean if you're only allowing one layer of clothing to keep us apart from them. Even still, you're not sitting on my Pottery Barn couch or the leather in my car just for good measure.

Take a look at the tool who is the founder of their stupid-ass little club. His name's Jack. They call him "Happy Jack." Yeah, I'd be pretty happy, downright stoked, even, if I set up a club and announced to the world that I freeball, and somehow I not only still had a decent-looking girlfriend, but she would allow herself to get mired in the embarrassment as well. Man, Misty is a retard. She felt that she "needed to back Jack"? If I ever went public with my freeballing (assuming I started freeballing to begin with) and I had a girlfriend (an even bigger assumption), I would fully expect her to leave me over something like this.

Jesus fucking Christ the world is lame. I just cannot find anything that I feel like posting about, but Google and its ilk march on. So here's this.

alien monsters raping schoolgirls

The immigration debate rages on.

how much did sasha cohen weigh when she was a baby

The fact that someone was looking for that information is disturbing, and this is coming from me.

Spam:

If she says that you have a small dick, dont respond with an answer No,
@fter y0u take Penis Enlargement V1rility Patch PX she would think that she is being fucked by a horse, not human.
http://chapdismal.com/pp/?WvAkmJ

Okay, there are so many things wrong with this spam that it's hard to decide where to start. First off, "don't respond with an answer"? What else can I respond with, a walking stick? Birthday cake? What the fuck? Oh, and if a girl says you have a small dick, that's not really something she's looking for an answer to. It's a statement of fact from her point of view, and there's nothing you can say or do about it. How exactly is it that you "take" a patch? Where would one apply this patch, anyway? Do you put it on your arm like one of those smoking patches, or on your dick? Seems like it's gonna fall off easily if you put it on your dick, but then again, how's it gonna be effective if you place it anywhere else? What if you ended up with one arm that was, like, huge, and the other still scrawny? That's not gonna get you laid; you need two big arms like Ludacris. Once you're there you can get a big watch, too. Then there's the claim that she'll think she's being fucked by a horse, not a human. Most girls, I think, are going to have a problem with that. Most. And finally, I like that URL -- chapdismal.com. Because if chicks are telling you that you have a small dick, you are clearly going to be a dismal chap.

sulu hated shatner

Damn, Shatner is such a dooshebag that even the imaginary characters hated him. Either that or this person doesn't know that Sulu isn't real.

teens girls fuck big dig

Why would you be doing a search, and furthermore expecting results, for teens fucking a major Boston-area highway construction project? Jesus, assholes: SPELL CHECK YOUR FUCKING PERVERT GOOGLE SEARCHES. I'm tired of this shit.

trent reznor pretty hate machine what does it mean

It means you're an idiot. Extra points deducted because your search rhymes.

Do other cultures Mastubate

This comes across weird in two ways. One, I don't really think of masturbating as a cultural thing, and more of a "horny people thing." Second, this can come across as culture itself masturbating, which doesn't make sense either. Well, until I think about our so-called "culture" in this particular country, and yeah, that's masturbation. And not good masturbation, either, which is pathetic when you really think about it.

how to fuck a girl with a strapon

You put on a strapon... And you fuck her. It's not that difficult, professor.

how to fuck girlfriend in bathtub

God damn it; you get her in the tub, and you fuck her. If strapons and bathtubs are so complicated, I beg you, please stop having sex. And kill yourself.

honey let's fuck your friend

Yeah, I'm sure that'll go over real well.

swallowing my husband's cum improves my moods

Everybody wins! I'll bet this is actually just a husband's wishful thinking, though, and not the wife herself. Although a woman may enjoy swallowing, my guess is the main thing that would be helping to improve her mood is getting her husband to finally shut up about it.

flaming red assholes

You might wanna get that checked.

Don't worry, I'm not going back to the old-school way of doing things; I'll still be doing the digest format from here on out, but this one I needed to get off my chest. Google search:

job@mnsservice.com

I am getting a fuckton of hits like this one for that spam e-mail I posted on recently, and it's really pissing me off. I'm guessing a lot of people are questioning whether or not the e-mail is real, even though it should be obvious to anyone worthy of employment. Look, I know times are tough, but no one should ever be desperate enough to even consider working for a company seeking "well-executive" people. I'm so tired of this stupidity that I nearly went back and deleted that post (something I don't think I've ever done, even though I probably should have on many occasions), but I just went back and left a special note for Google searchers instead.

There had better be a nicer selection of shoes and accessories, though

I have to second ETP's motion. This is their killer app once again; this is how they'll get me to drop $460 for a 360. But how could I not? We all need Xtreme Beach Beat-off 2.

Fucking waterslides. Oh, yeah, and all the T&A and stuff too. This could very well be the greatest game of all-time.

Easy joke, yes, I know

Well, that might explain a lot.

It will be interesting to see what the Democrats will do to fuck this up. And by interesting, I mean infuriating. They should be even further out ahead at this point considering that pretty much everything is going against the Republicans these days. I think Ted Rall put it best. But yes, there are several months until election day, and that gives the Democrats plenty of time to pull off another tank job. No matter how good it might seem, they'll blow it at some point -- they're the Nintendo of politics.

Well, that was another fantastic waste of time. Man, I want us to be looking into this, but so far, it's just fruitless.

Justice Department spokesman Brian Roehrkasse said the terrorist surveillance program "has been subject to extensive oversight both in the executive branch and in Congress from the time of its inception."

Somehow I get the sense they weren't taking the investigation seriously if their standpoint was that everything was already OK.

Roehrkasse noted the OPR's mission is not to investigate possible wrongdoing in other agencies, but to determine if Justice Department lawyers violated any ethical rules.

Wait, what? Then what the fuck was the point of this anyway? Other than a token effort just to distract people, of course. And I guess that answers my question.

Separately, the Justice Department sought last month to dismiss a federal lawsuit accusing the telephone company AT&T of colluding with the Bush administration's warrantless wiretapping program.

The lawsuit, brought by an Internet privacy group, does not name the government as a defendant, but the Department of Justice has sought to quash the lawsuit, saying it threatens to expose government and military secrets.

Yeah, the Justice Department's stance on all of this is pretty clear. I hate to have to go Star Trek on the situation, but Captain Picard's words are very apropos: "A matter of internal security: the age-old cry of the oppressor."

And if you haven't heard about AT&T's involvement in all this (and as I just discovered, most of the other major telecoms as well), that's pretty fucked up, too. The lengths that these people will go to in order to "protect" us is astounding, and we probably don't even know the half of it yet.

Again, I know this is my solution to a lot of problems, but this kid and kids like him oughta be killed. Twelve years in school? Fuck you, dooshe. You know, I have a friend who has been in school since '97 and still doesn't have her undergrad, but she's at least academically brilliant, she just can't get her shit together in the common sense realm. This kid, on the other hand:

Had he graduated, he would have earned a liberal studies degree in education, communications, theater, health and women's studies.

Yeah, those have "genius" written all over them. I guess he's better off in school since he'll never do shit with any of those, so again, let's just kill him. I mean, just look at that fuck-off. The picture alone is enough to warrant death. Nobody who looks like that is anything but a dipshit.

The Heat Is On

Lately I've been repeatedly listening to songs that I'm pretty sure cause permanent brain damage. You know, songs that you don't want to want to listen to, but you have to because they're oh-so-catchy. You feel nothing but shame every time you listen to and enjoy them, but that doesn't deter you. And I don't mean stuff that's older and even has a kitsch factor going for it (like, say, something by Boston or "Kung Fu Fighting"); no, I mean shit that's just plain fucking bad. A sampling:

• Frankie Goes to Hollywood - "Relax": Abstinence! The song! Frankie Goes to Hollywood might be the worst band ever.
  
• Eddie Grant - "Electric Avenue": Good god! What the fuck is this song even about?
  
• Anything by 2Unlimited: I burned a copy of a 2Unlimited CD off a friend, and after labeling it I crossed out "2Unlimited" and then wrote under it "Jock Jams."
  
• Right Said Fred - "I'm too sexy": Yeah, What other fucking Right Said Fred song would I mention? Admit it, you like it, right along with...
  
• Vanilla Ice - Yeah, okay, this one is also obvious.
  
• Kid Rock - "Bawitdaba": I can get on board with Kid Rock a little bit easier since he's not popular anymore.
  
• Loverboy - "Everybody's Working for the Weekend": Because those are Loverboy songs, Err... And Loverboy has always sucked.
  
• Winger - "Seventeen": No one should ever admit to getting into a song by Winger, but we do when it comes to this crap masterpiece. No, I don't like it because of that. Okay, yes I do.
  
• Anything by Kenny Loggins: Yes, this includes "Danger Zone." Shit, especially "Danger Zone."

What would you add to the list that gets you going but you're embarrassed by? Don't get all clever and mention shit that most of us have never heard of (It was this requirement that prevented me from putting stuff by Vengaboys on this list... But if they're well-known enough they'll be retroactively added). Any mention of Huey Lewis and the News is not allowed, because we know how strongly I feel about the best band of the 80s. The same goes for Steve Winwood, who must be referred to as Steve Fucking Winwood from here on out.

I want to find a way to get on board with this, but I just can't. The only things that should smell like Play-Doh are Play-Doh itself, the can that Play-Doh lives in, and your hands after you play with Play-Doh.

The company that is making the Play-Doh frarance, though, what a piece of work those assholes are. Here is a sampling of their fragrances, and I am not making any of these up:

• Basil
  
• Beet root
  
• Bourbon (lots of men smell like this anyway)
  
• Birthday cake
  
• Black pepper
  
• Cannabis flower
  
• Cappuccino
  
• Cedar (great for drawers and closets...)
  
• Condensed milk (their page on this fragrance goes into almost disturbing detail on the history and process of making condensed milk)
  
• Cosmopolitan cocktail (like women need more than a night out to smell like Cosmos)
  
• Dirt (Dirt? Yes, dirt.)
  
• Dust
  
• Earthworm
  
• Holy water (?)
  
• Pipe tobacco
  
• Riding crop
  
• Sushi (Eating it, good; wearing it, especially after a night of Jack, bad)
  
• Turpentine (WTF?)
  
• Urine (okay, that one I made up -- but I did have to double-check their list to make sure)

And there are tons more, but I finally got sick of going through the list. You can just check for yourself. You know, some of those scents are pleasant, but I can't imagine why you'd want to smell like some of them. And as far as some of the fruity and flowery ones, isn't that what you girls have all those nice smelling lotions from Bath & Bodyworks for? And they don't even have raspberry, the fucking hacks!

Then there are the ones like turpentine that I can't even imagine what the fuck is wrong with you that would possess you to want to smell like that voluntarily. Well, I can imagine; you're an idiot. But are people actually buying and using this shit? I'd like to say that their sales can't be very brisk, but as we know, there are a lot of "creative and crazy" people out there who would -- and probably do -- eat this shit up.

Wow. Just, wow. This may be the single most clever thing they've ever done, and that's saying a lot.

Searches:

the proper way to fuck the white man's wife

If you have to ask this question, you are not cool enough to be a black guy. Maybe this guy wasn't black to begin with, in which case it's a moot point. But the very fact that you're fucking the white man's wife shows you are doing it properly. What better way to stick it to The Man? It's also nice to see how far we've come in race relations, what with Google searchers like this and people like me who aren't helping matters any.

black mans cum whore

You may wish to speak with the previous searcher.

how do I decide on a career when i suck equally at everything

Kill yourself.

definition of ignorance is strength

You, dear Google searcher, are the poster child for strength.

fun ways to fuck

For my next list of 10, I'm going to put together a collection of boring ways to fuck. Seriously, if you make a query as stupid as this, you deserve nothing but boring sex for the rest of your life.

xxx forced to fuck in jail

Yes, this is a great idea -- I'd love to see Vin Diesel get raped in prison.

major big twat

I'll bet Major Big Twat is friends with Admiral Blowhard. I also think that would make a great Indian name -- Chief Big Twat.

how to force yourself to swallow sperm

What? How exactly do you force yourself to do anything you don't want to do? Either you suck it up and get the job done, or you don't.

is there a medication for someone who has trouble with instant gratification

Yes, but there is a three-week waiting period to get it. If you can't wait and need the problem fixed right away, the suggested substitute is rat poison. Seriously, fuck you, dude. The way to deal with instant gratification is to get what you want as soon as you can. If you can't handle that, you are a failure as a spoiled child. Or poor.

I hate elitist pieces of shit

And we hate you, and everyone else for that matter. Boy, did this Google searcher ever come to the wrong place.

hate ocd ruins everything good

OCD doesn't ruin everything good. In fact, it makes some good things cleaner. While pissing off everyone you know.

fuck masheen

Once he's done making clothes for little girls, The Fuck Masheen should be Charlie Sheen's next business venture.

I want tony blair's big cock

I'd be curious to know how you discovered he has a big cock to begin with. Especially considering that the man apparently has no balls.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

I never expected to see Jeffrey's "Oh-face," but there it is (sorta). Once you read his justification, though, one can totally understand. That also may be the best cameo ever.

We used to hate people. Now we just make fun of them. It's more effective that way.

Except that it's not. Seriously, this is what we've been reduced to? We can't catch or kill this guy, and we can't do anything to come close to stopping all of the shit that's going on over there, so we'll just resort to trying to embarrass them. Great. Proud to be an American.

Lynch was asked how al-Zarqawi can be a "terror mastermind" if he can't handle a firearm.
...
"Why he's their leader, I don't know."

I think Bush himself has proven that you don't need to be an actual genius to convince a bunch of retards that you're really smart and capable. When you're having other people do all the dirty work -- which simply amounts to blowing shit up -- it seems to be pretty easy. Maybe al-Zarqawi really is some kind of mastermind. Or maybe he just had Terrell Davis and John Elway. Or IEDs; I get confused easily. But yeah, if he's actually a dumbass, then they just learned really well from the example our "leader" has set.

Not that anyone gives a shit, but in case if you're old school and don't bookmark and want to save some typing, you can now get to this crappy 'blog via bitterlittleman.com in addition to the existing bitterlittleman.net address. Kinda pointless since it just redirects you to blogspot, but I almost feel like I could maybe consider thiknking about pretending to be legit someday now that I've got the rights to the .com, so I just felt the need to let everyone know.

Spam:

To whom it may concern,

Let us inform you that MNS, Inc starts a new project in the USA and is looking for a reliable, well-motivated and well-executive person to take care of the project's needs. The job requires a flexible schedule shift.

According to this fact we are offering you a position of the Executive Manager of MNS, Inc. If you are interested in starting business activity or searching a secure managing job, please response this message for more detailed description of the opportunity with your CV or Resume attached to the message. Please forward all your questions and comments to job@mnsservice.com

With due respect,
Human resources department of MNS, Inc.

I'm a little afraid to response this e-mail because I'm still in awe at finding out I'm a well-executive person but never knew it. And why the fuck do I need to give them my resume if they're already offering me the job? Is this the same company I was working for that couldn't hire me because I didn't have a diploma?

P.S. to anyone getting here via a search engine: If you got the above e-mail or something similar and thought it was legitimate, you're an moron.

How much do you wanna bet that the DA in this case was rejected by an Asian girl he was pursuing at some point in his life? Dude, we get that she committed a really fucked up crime, but c'mon.

They had threatened to sell her piano if she did not win a state-wide competition, she wrote.

She said they had grounded her for scoring only 96% in an exam.

And, when she disappointed them, she said they had forced her to stand naked in a corner.

If that's all true, tell me the mother wasn't asking for it. I'm not saying she shoulda killed her, but I understand. Berating a kid for getting 96 on an exam? That's the kind of shit I used to do to myself in high school, and back then I was even more in need of a beating than I am now.

But yeah, having to deal with that shit as a teen, and a lot of people will probably snap at some point. Sure, they're not all gonna hack their parents up, but still. It seems more like there are extenuating circumstances here that full-on, balls-out prison isn't exactly the right answer for. She might not be a danger to others (except maybe her dad) at this point, but who knows what over eight years inside will do to her. Or maybe she really was just a psychopath all along; who knows. I'd be interested to see the psych evaluations on her. Because, you know, psychologists and psychiatrists are a real useful bunch, what with that exact science of theirs.

And yes, maybe some of my thinking is motivated by the fact that a decently good-looking Asian girl is going to rot in prison over this, and that in and of itself seems like such a waste. I'll admit that.

I found some links to her 'blog stuff at the bottom of this page. Haven't read through too much, but yeah, mostly just the kind of teen shit you'd expect from the looks of it.

Speaking of killers with 'blogs, those in the states probably heard about that nutjob in Oklahoma who killed that 10-year-old girl a couple weeks back. If you don't know the story, seriously, you'd probably rather not know. I was gonna comment on it before, but considering my track record on certain things (see last post), it just felt awkward. Anyway, I tracked down his blog after CNN showed a screenshot of it. If you're so inclined, you can kill some time reading through his shit. I just re-read that last sentence, and I realized that "kill some time" was probably not the best choice of words I could have used there.

I read back a couple of years, and yeah, the guy was messed up. Hated his life, hated his jobs, and was just an out-and-out lonely loser. He doesn't give any real indications what he's planning, but you can tell he has some serious problems (no shit, BLM; thanks for the newsflash). Obviously has some issues with his mother, he won't get his shit in gear with anything, and then there was this girl he met online several years back who he was going to move out to California to live with until she called it off at the last minute. So yeah, years of being a total wreck capped off with that, and here we are. Of course, in Esmie's case, I can make the argument for cutting her some slack, but not in this guy's case. Yes, I feel as if I have to specifically point out my stance on this, because I can be a bit nebulous as to exactly how fucked up I am.

One thing that got quoted a lot in news stories was this:

He mentions cannibalism, asking "If you were a cannibal, what would you wear to dinner?" and responding: "The skin of last night's main course."

This kinda pissed me off once I saw where that was located on his 'blog -- in the Blogger profile. The question was one of the random, stupid-ass questions that the profile generator asks. He didn't ask the question, Blogger did. I'm not saying it isn't of interest that he left this up there, but does Blogger get some kind of assist on this crime? The subtle misrepresentation of a psycho who needs no misrepresentation really irked me.

The worst thing about his 'blog, though, are the comments, of which there are naturally a ton of that were left after he committed the crime and people found his 'blog. Why must people insist on saying stupid shit like that? Never mind the fact that he's never going to read any of the inane comments. That's my favorite thing about this country; our ability to turn an awful tragedy into an even bigger travesty when we inevitably flaunt our collective stupidity for all to see.

The downside of being better than everyone else is that people tend to assume you're pretentious.

When I see a headline such as this one in CNN's "Entertainment" section, it should really turn out much more entertaining than an article about a probably-shitty pretensionfest of a band.

I actually debated whether or not I should publish this because of, you know, but once I busted out "pretensionfest" it gave me a great idea. The great idea, of course, is PretensionFest. How cool would this be? Just me and the other pretentious assholes I like doing what we do best. I don't like most people who are pretentious, but I sure enjoy being pretentious.

Woo hoo! A post!

There are few people dumber There are a lot of stupid people in the world, but this couple gets the prize for the day. Not too long ago you had triplets, yet you continued to fuck without something getting snipped or tied? The only good thing about this article was that the word "miracle" wasn't mentioned anywhere. In fact:

With a tiny baby in each arm, Sharon Fontana said she's ready for motherhood -- times six.

"I am, I guess. I don't have much choice."

There's enthusiasm. And technically, you have lots of choices.

Of course, on top of letting this happen in the first place, these people gave each set of triplets names that all start with the same initial. Rich and Sharon Fontana, you are assholes.

Awesome.

Another load of search engine shit. Behold:

fuck my deck

Sounds like a good weekend project.

sex pills for women to fuck anyone

Dude, if you don't know about roofies, then you are a failure as a date rapist. Which, I suppose, is a good thing, unless if this is Porky Pig and he's gonna see Elmer Fudd soon.

freeballing in track

"Dude, did you see that guy's balls?"
"Yeah... They were weird-looking."

women's panties/ built in dongs

Look, a strapon I can understand. But can any of you ladies explain to me the utility of an item such as this? "I want the comfort of a pair of regular panties, with the added benefit of others thinking I have a man's junk." That's all I can come up with at the moment.

girls who fuck on the water

Now that right there is a fucking miracle.

fuck me right

This doesn't make sense -- the Republicans are against fucking.

how to fuck a grill

... And something to do after we finish off the deck. I'm pretty sure I've gotten this before; are people just badly misspelling "girl" by transposing the 'i' and the 'r' and then adding an extra 'l'? Or are people really looking to fuck their grill? If it's the latter, here's a tip: you wanna do it right after you've cooked up some food on it.

is everything going to be ok

This search hit actually kinda depressed me, because you can just feel the naive desperation of this person coming through MSN search. They pretty much got their answer when they landed here, too. Of course, one shouldn't need my site if they have been paying attention to anything (as most people don't), or, shit, if they knew anything at all about entropy.

japanese hottie blogspot

On the surface, this is another hit that doesn't look too interesting. What is interesting is that it came from usdoj.gov. When I first saw 'usdoj.gov' in my traffic log, I was like, "oh, shit." But then I was pleasantly surprised to see this, my tax dollars at work. I can get behind this waste of tax dollars before a lot of others, though, which is pretty sad.

Der flammenwerfer

Wow. Just, wow. The bullshit has officially gotten so thick that you're gonna need to get out your flamethrower to bust through it.

When the NSA wiretapping program began, Mr. Joel wasn't working for the intelligence office, but he says he has reviewed it and finds no problems.

Yeah, exactly.

"Although you might have concerns about what might potentially be going on, those potentials are not actually being realized and if you could see what was going on, you would be reassured just like everyone else," he says.

Oh, ok, now I feel reassured.

And therein lies the problem he faces: how to provide enough insight into government intelligence efforts to ease concerns about privacy invasions while protecting the usefulness of secret programs.

The problem he faces? What problem? How hard is it to be a mouthpiece and rubber-stamp man?

Mr. Joel's mission, like those of the other privacy cops, appears aimed more at policy than policing. While there might be occasion to look into complaints, he says most of his work is focused on creating a dialogue with government officials, intelligence operatives and others so they're thinking about privacy and civil liberties and ways to tailor a program to ensure rights aren't compromised.

Alright, alright, now I'm comforted. When they do ill shit to violate privacy and civil liberties, it will make it oh-so-much better knowing that they had some dialogue and thought about it before doing what they wanted to anyway.

In other news, I'm creating the post of Officer of Bad and Tasteless Jokes to create dialogue and get me thinking about offensive material before I release it into the wild as originally intended. I will also be appointing a Swearing Czar.

Fuckers.

One of these days I'm gonna have a house with a lawn and I'm gonna erect a giant statue of Chairman Mao. It just sounds like a good idea. I'd do it now but I'm guessing the HOA would not approve of such a venture.