Oh man I totally wish they would send me one of these.

Oh yeah, here's another site I've been meaning to pass on (since so many people are reading this... my traffic is actually down since i started posting again, which might be a good thing since most of my traffic is from losers and/or pedophiles showing up via Google): McSweeney's Internet Tendency. The front page is not terribly well organized, though; you have to scroll down a ways just to get to the archives. They have just a ton of funny shit there (like the page of lists) and I've only started to scratch the surface.

A sampling of a few articles I read that I thought were pretty good:

Jesus Christ Decides He Doesn't Want to Celebrate His Birthday This Year
Surgery Is Easy
Other Ways the Terrorists Win
The Neurotic Pickup Artist
Yiddish Spam
A Hillbilly Thanksgiving Menu
Exotic Blitzes
Haiku a Bitter Duck Might Write

With all due respect to Bill Maher

New rule: if the person you said something offensive about is over it, then everyone else has to shut the fuck up.

Sharpton said he wants Tilghman fired, period. And if the Golf Channel doesn't comply, the network can expect to see Sharpton and his National Action Network supporters picketing its Orlando, Florida, headquarters.

What pisses me off about this shit is all the wasted energy. It could really be put to better use working to actually do something that might matter.

"I don't know why that would pop into her mind, but it popped out of her mouth, and she should be held accountable," the reverend said.

She... Has... Been. Is that where you're really at Al? Someone should be fired for exercising their First Amendment rights? Or for making one mistake? That sounds very, -- shit, what's the word? -- oh yeah, intolerant. Have you even heard of the First Amendment, Al? If she were serious that would be one thing, but any moron, even Al Sharpton (who is very clean by the way) can tell that she wasn't serious, so get over it. People make mistakes, people say dumb shit. It happens, move the fuck on and find another soapbox.

"It's not about Tiger Woods. It's about the station. It's about using public airwaves to offend people," Sharpton said. "Some things are beyond the pale of discussion."

That is just such a fucking pussy-ass stance. We should lynch Al Sharpton.

Yeah I think it would be pretty awesome too if Mark Cuban bought the Cubs but it just isn't gonna happen. And you know, I don't know that Cuban is the answer to the Cubs' woes, but you know, more of the same shit sure isn't either. Cuban would at least be interesting. He would shake things up. And he actually gives a shit about winning. That alone is a marked change from, oh, gee, the last fucking century.

So I discovered a new webcomic that's kinda weird but kinda entertaining too: The Book of Biff.

Just imagine how pissed guys must be if their HMO doesn't cover whatever fucking dentist this article is talking about. I don't know if they have HMOs in Japan but they probably do since they copy all the rest of our shit besides orthodontics.

Alright so just as a warning you're probably better off not clicking the links in the rest of this post if you're at work or something. Nothing pornographic or anything that would get the FBI knocking at your door, though, so relax.

Okay so another thing Japan doesn't copy is the American notion of a "schoolgirl." Or at least I thought they didn't until I saw this shit. I swear to god that better not have been a Japanese photographer responsible for that and if it was they have shamed themselves and stained their entire family for generations. Add in some really clunky shoes instead of those black loafers and you have what I call the "naughty schoolgirl" look. Here's a better example of the type of garbage I'm talking about that I see all the time that makes my blood boil, and not in a fun way. That look is an affront to everything that's hot.

Listen up, people: real schoolgirls in uniform don't wear their shirts like that. Real schoolgirls don't wear stockings like that. Real schoolgirls don't wear shoes like that. Okay sure some will but go to any fucking Catholic school and I promise you that you won't see any of that nonsense unless if the Church has gotten even more fucked up than I'd realized. What is the point of lusting after something so inauthentic, Mr. In-Denial Pedophile?

Here's the deal: if you're going to do anything "schoolgirl" related you either consult with me or Japan first. We know what we're talking about. Despite the above linked mess (you can find more of that set here if you're an idiot with no sense of taste for the finer things in life) I'm still giving Japan the benefit of the doubt since I'm considering their entire body of work which has been magnificent up to this point. But they should know that they're on notice and if I see any more of that crap I'm coming over there and kicking some ass just to make sure.

So it's really a shame that PenIsland doesn't actually make any pens or have any samples to give out (which from what I saw somewhere else actually existed at one point). Stemming from that I found out about some other interesting URLs:

therapistfinder.com -- a therapist's network
cummingfirst.com -- Cumming First United Church in Cumming, GA

And maybe the best URL ever:

powergenitalia.com -- an Italian power generator company

So in the event that things don't work out between me and Sasha Cohen or me and Gorby's granddaughter (Danica Patrick being out of the running since she's married, and I just found out that she converted to Catholicism after seeing The Passion of the Jesus, which is lame) I have a new love interest: actress Ellen Page. She is just outstandingly cute. Yes I know this post is worthless without pics so here you go since you're too fucking lazy to find links on your own. Just remember I called her first and we're cool. Some facts from her bio:

Day of birth: 21st February 1987

I first heard about her starring as a 16-year-old girl who gets pregnant in the recent film Juno, so I was pretty stoked to find out that she's actually not only legal but even near drinking age. That's pretty huge when it comes to me.

Height: 1,55 m (5'1)

No real explanation needed that that's fucking awesome.

Favorite food: Sushi

I love this girl.

While I'm passing along recent discoveries I'll let you know about Gina Carano, one of the stars of the new American Gladiators series (cause yeah, there's a good idea... a new American Gladiators). I won't declare her an imaginary girlfriend/wife since she's 5'8" and this guy has already taken her (since this part of the post is worthless without pics, scroll down on that guy's page for some more pics).

She's no Sasha or Ellen or whatever the fuck Gorbachev's granddaughter's name is but she's still not unpleasant to look at either. To me she kinda looks like Sandra Bullock but with better teeth. Plus, she can easily knock all of Bullock's teeth out since she's a bad-ass female MMA star. I'm don't really care for the whole MMA thing, but women's MMA... That might be pretty fucking awesome. Human cockfighting, meh, human chickfighting, nice. And no, it's not just that whole two women fighting thing that us guys are hot on, although that's part of it. But just like girls with guns, girls who can easily beat the shit out of most people they come across are pretty hot too.

Alright, so I've found what might be the coolest blog name ever: Tiger Woods Fist Pump. The guy describes himself as "some guy in Minneapolis pretending to be a sportswriter." He doesn't have a whole lot of stuff and I've read even less of it so far except for him lamenting about baseball cards and other sports cards. His haiku in the latter link just about killed me and deserves some kind of literary award.

I'm not sure if this venture is going to pan out.

"Young men these days grew up with character goods. That generation feels no embarrassment about wearing Hello Kitty."

You probably wanna be pretty damn sure about that before you jump into anything too costly. While we do have a lot in common, though, I wouldn't presume to say that I have an intimate knowledge of the Japanese male's mindset. So maybe this will work but I just get a feeling it won't. Even with as strong as my feminine side is I can't see myself wearing anything Hello Kitty, and if I won't do it then you're pretty much fucked. Hell, I don't even have any Hello Kitty merchandise at this point (although there are supposed to be some Hello Kitty-themed Pinkys coming out next year). I mean how exactly do you get Hello Kitty to appeal to guys who want to have sex with chicks?

According to the Associated Press, the iconic mouth-less cat will be given a "more rugged, cool look to appeal to men in their teens and early 20s" for the first time.

You've gotta wonder what the omnipresent Sanrio has up their sleeve to accomplish that makeover. Then you realize that any such endeavor can only turn out adorable and then I think we're back to where we started.

Honestly the only way I can see to market this to guys is so that they have something in common with girls who are into Hello Kitty, but that's probably a creepy route to go (as evidenced by the fact that I thought of it).

There are two types of internet t-shirt stores out there: ones that are clever and ones that just think they're clever. While some were lame I found some of the shirts at Busted Tees to be pretty funny, so I'll let them sit on the "clever" pile. I was particularly fond of soccer.

While we're on the subject of toys, or whatever, here's Cracked's list of The 5 Least Surprising Toy Recalls of All Time.

Okay, so this may officially be the dirtiest thing I've ever seen:


What is that, aside from yet another figure of a young anime girl in a provocative pose? If you didn't look closely enough, look at that box down beneath her, uh, box... Between her knees. It's a pencil sharpener. Look, as usual I'm not passing judgment here on the Japanese since we share a lot of fetishes/mental issues. When I "complain" that it's "dirty" that complaint comes with a good dose of amusement and laughter. But I do recognize that it's messed up, at least to people who don't have the issues that we do. I mean, as if the pose isn't bad enough, she's got her hand on her little ass, almost... Nevermind.

Considering the series that she comes from, Kodomo no Jikan (Child's Time), the toy, errr, office supply, whatever, is actually pretty appropriate. Both the anime and manga are pretty dirty. The series revolves around Rin, featured in the above shown pencil sharpener, a precocious girl who has the hots for her third-grade homeroom teacher and tortures him in all sorts of naughty ways. Yes, third-grade. I don't know how exactly the Japanese school system works but the character is like 9 years old. Some of you are shocked, and some of you know that's just par for the course with Japan. Anyway the show/comic is not outright porn, but again, it's dirty. You know, in a cute sort of way. Which makes it even dirtier.

It is fairly entertaining, though, and not just because I'm a pervert; I've watched a couple of the episodes of the TV show and read translations of some of the manga. While the basic premise is the whole naughty lil schoolgirl thing, there actually is story, character development, and depth to the series, or at least there was with as far as I got in the manga. The manga was created by a woman, which I also find interesting because at first blush you'd expect for something like this to be created by a man as a simple pedo fantasy.

You won't be able to buy the manga at any point soon here in the States (at least not in English) after the American distributor for the title pussed out and pulled it all thanks to a shitstorm kicked up by the blowhard who writes the "Hey, Answerman!" column on Anime News Network.

Probably without having seen a single page of the manga this moron and a bunch of other moral grand-standers in forums started this huge controversy over the title, calling it "lolicon" and "virtual child porn" and blah blah blah. For anyone unfamiliar with lolicon, here's a quick primer. True, balls-out lolicon manga and anime involves the showing of genitals, sex, all that fun stuff. With kids. So yeah, it's messed up, but it's fucking cartoons. Maybe a bad choice of words there, but you know what I'm getting at.

At this point I should probably go full disclosure and point out that I haven't seen a whole lot of real lolicon stuff. Yeah, I really need to edit this site's header to just reflect that I merely have a lolita complex but I'm not a collector of that genre. 'Cause, you know, that makes me seem like a more balanced individual. Okay so I did that and now I'm a normal person fit for polite society.

Anyway we can sit down and have a discussion about lolicon and its merits or lack thereof, but what was really stupid about this whole thing is that Kodomo no Jikan is not kiddie porn and it is not lolicon. Again, I would know that because I've actually read enough of it to get a feel for just how naughty it is. At most it's a bit worse than a lot of stuff that's already on the shelves and considered "mainstream." It's dirty, but it's not that dirty. Maybe too dirty for Puritan America, but of course Puritan America is stupid.

There are a whole lot of d-bags on eBay. The worst of them I simply refer to as "soulless cocksuckers on eBay." Take this item, for instance. For anyone like me who played with real Transformers in the 80s, it is plain as day that the toy shown there is far from a "re-issue". Upon inspecting the packaging though, I am almost tempted to buy it:


Why am I tempted to pick up that gem? Isn't it obvious? It's because he is HUGE EXTREMELY. In fact he is so HUGE EXTREMELY that it says so on the package twice. You don't fuck with that.

Here's a couple of Jesus tidbits for ya. First up are these retarded people.

"We're good Christian people."

With all due respect to Mr. Clemens, suppose you were a good Christian person. And suppose you were an idiot. But I repeat myself. Seriously, is there any wonder that us elitists mock your beliefs by calling them superstitions? Furthermore, if those people are giving up their phone numbers with 666 prefixes, can I have one of them? How fucking sweet would that be?

Then there's this next article. I could go on and on about it but really I'd just be repeating myself and as you all know I have a strict policy against that. All I will say is you get what you pay for.

And so the 53-year-old accountant from the Tampa, Florida, area...

Okay, I do have to comment on that, because the fact that that woman is an accountant is pretty hilarious. Stay the fuck away from my 1040, lady.

Asshole +1

So, what else is new with me? Well, there's this:



What is that? That is an E92 BMW 335i. Actually that picture doesn't quite do the color justice:





Those are closer but you really need to see Montego Blue Metallic in person to really appreciate it. It's no Imola Fucking Red (unavailable on this car), but it's still pretty damn sharp.

Anyway got her last week. The lease was about up on my E46 330i, so I was left with the decision to either cut back on my spending and get something cheaper and more practical or I could continue to be spoiled and wasteful. Since I have problems (see previous post, or, shit, any previous posts), well, we already know what route I took.

I got the car pretty well equipped, and it has a manual transmission, of course, even if I am still a pretty shitty stick driver. I may not be cool, but I fucking could be if I could get my shit together!

I decided to go the coupe route since I'm not a huge fan of the E90 3 Series sedan's styling -- I mean it's nice but not great:



I don't care much for the "painted eyebrows" headlights and the fact that the tops of the twin-kidney grille are actually attached to the hood. Also I couldn't get too excited about that body style after coming off of an E46 ZHP, which is one of the best-looking cars ever. For reference, here's what I was driving:



Then there's the E90's rear view:



At one point ETP commented that with those tail lights the car looks like it's clenching its ass. He's absolutely right, and after he said that I was like, I can never get one of those.

Those things combined with the fact that the E92 coupe fixes all of the issues I have with the E90 sedan plus there being no insurance difference between the sedan and coupe made the choice easy on that front.

There are some things I do miss about my old car (I was actually very close to just buying out the lease on it). And I have a handful of small complaints about the new car. Like, for instance, there is STILL no simple "off" switch or button for the climate controls, just like with my E46. I have to press the fan speed button several times to get it to shut off. The fucking 5 series has an off button, but why can't they give us on on the 3er?

So yeah, pretty much any issues I have are minor and everything is overcome by that car's engine: a 3.0 liter, inline 6-cylinder twin turbo that puts out 300 hp and 300 lb-ft. of torque. That peak torque is available from 1,400 to 5,000 if you need it.

It's a bit of an adjustment. I'm going from 235 naturally aspirated horses to 300 turbocharged. At altitude that just magnifies the difference since a naturally aspirated engine will lose about 3% of its power per thousand feet in altitude (I'm around 5,000) and a turbo isn't going to lose as much. So that's pretty neat and I think turbocharging is my new best friend (sorry ETP).

As a result of all that the car is just stupid fast. I'm seriously trying hard not to flog her too much since you are supposed to break in a car gently (or at least according to the owner's manual and its break-in regimen; but I keep getting differing opinions on this). Like take for instance a moment I had on the highway last weekend. I was probably doing about 85 (75 zone, so 10 over like most everyone else) and there was a car on my ass. So I decided to punch it a bit and hop over a couple lanes to get the car off my ass. After not too long of a time I look down and the speedometer is reading 120. Fuck. I think I was on a slight downhill at that point but still hitting a buck twenty that easily is just ridiculous. It was at that point that I started to develop a healthy fear for what that car is capable of.

So anyway, yeah, that's my new toy. And hopefully my mom or anyone else I'm related to is reading this since they too have anxiety issues.

Sidepedaling

Okay, so watching boxing is boring, but that doesn't necessarily mean that boxing itself is boring. During the summer I was going out jogging to get exercise, but now that it's cold and icy out, I'm not fucking doing that anymore. Plus I hate jogging anyway.

Since I needed to find some other means of exercise, so I decided to give boxing a try and got myself an instructional DVD and one of these. I figure hey, why not try something that could be a good workout and potentially relieve stress at the same time? Something comes along that pisses me off so I just go and beat the shit out of the heavy bag for awhile. Sounds like a plan.

Actually lately I haven't been getting all pissed off to the point where I want to go beat the shit out of something. Okay, well, despite my temper and short fuse I really don't ever get that pissed anyway. Seriously.

Still though, I'm always high-strung and frequently stressed even when it's unwarranted sometimes, so what gives? Maybe it's the anti-anxiety meds I'm on to try and help combat my shyness. The medication I'm on is a benzodiazepine, and benzos are a CNS depressant. Apparently the way they combat anxiety is by putting me to sleep, and then I can't be anxious while I'm asleep. And then I'm also too tired to be stressed. Better living, or sleeping, through chemistry.

Seriously it was wearing me down so much that I finally had to cut back to just one dose a day in the evening. When I was taking one in the morning too I would be dragging ass all day at work, on several occasions nearly falling asleep while someone was talking to me. That's not good.

I almost didn't start taking them after reading about the potential side effects and withdrawal and shit. Yeah, I was too anxious to take my anti-anxiety meds. Hey, read some of that shit and tell me that you wouldn't have some anxiolytic anxiety. Finally, though, I thought to myself, hey, risk is part of the game if you wanna sit in that chair, so I finally got going with the meds.

Not sure if they're really doing anything after several weeks aside from making me feel like I'm drunk without any of the fun parts (in addition to making me sleepy they can also make me feel a bit lightheaded). Of course sitting at home alone most of the time hasn't exactly given me much of a chance to do serious field-testing. So far though if I'm around a big group I feel pretty much the same as always.

Okay, I guess maybe I do feel a bit more relaxed when I'm out and about though. And my moods are a bit more even than they were before. Of course when I say "before" I'm referring to when I was starting to take the medication, and I would have a lot of mood swings. Of course I could be that way before, so it's hard to say what the fuck is going on.

In the end though I don't have seriously high hopes for this latest experiment. Of course, I recognize that meds aren't going to actually solve my problems, I have to do that on my own. And maybe that's part of the problem. Well okay that's the whole problem. But what I was referring to is that maybe people who think that their prozac is going to fix their problems can actually bullshit themselves enough to where they get their shit together and get to work on doing something.

I've been on anti-depressant medications at two other points in my life and they didn't do shit. Then there was a short stint where I was seeing a therapist and he was always coming up with ways for me to combat my social anxiety and I would always shoot them down. It got so bad that he actually said he didn't know if there was any point in coming in for any more sessions. That's right; I am so stubborn and difficult that my brain is completely resilient to chemical changes and I had a therapist give up on me. So that's probably not good either.

Barack Obama: retard. I hope there's more to this or this comment was taken out of context because if not that's a pretty stupid thing for a supposedly smart man to say. I mean, seriously, how many toys out there come from China?

China, which makes about 80 percent of the world's toys...

Gee, that seems like quite a lot. Why not just say you wanna shut the whole industry down?

Man, every fucking candidate sucks balls. Well, most of them. I think I wanna get on board with Ron Paul. For some reason I had discounted him at one point but I think I need to re-evaluate that. Although running under the Republican flag the guy's really a libertarian and I'm down with that. If nothing else, if someone put a gun to my head and said "pick one" I think he'd be my choice. Not that that's a ringing endorsement or anything, but that's the shit landscape we've got here in this country.

And what is with the sudden surge of Mike Fuckabee? Just what this already ignorant country needs, a Baptist minister president.

Not Outstanding

So here's an instance of kids doing the stupid kind of shit that kids do where they should be going to jail. Along with the needless death of a little girl this raises several other issues and questions:

1. Bring on all the d-bags who like to rant and rave about videogames and violence. Video games don't make kids dumb and make them do stupid shit, those kids were stupid already.
2. The girl being charged in this case is cute and a couple years away from being legal and now may end up spending her more attractive years rotting behind bars.
3. If indeed that was the game they were playing, who the fuck plays Mortal Kombat anymore these days?

Addendum: Okay, so it looks like it may not have been the video game after all, that's just what they called their "wrestling" sessions. Not like that really matters; either way this is fucked up. But of course that really goes without saying.

If nothing else at least the choice was ballsier than "You"

Hey guys: shut the fuck up. Man Person of the Year isn't always complimentary. Hitler, Stalin (twice), and Bono have all won the award for fuck's sake. Not the best company to be in. Of course I wouldn't expect that you guys would notice this fact, because you were too busy with this shit:

"Clearly General Petraeus is the person, or one of a few people, who would certainly merit that designation," the former Massachusetts governor added.
...
“I noticed that Time Magazine made President Putin the Time Magazine ‘Man of the Year,’” McCain said, according to NBC. “I understand that probably, but my man of the year is one Gen. David Petraeus, our general who has brought success in Iraq.”

I realize that I get pissed a lot, usually for no good reason, but there are few things that make my blood boil quicker than pandering.

LOL like OMFG u guys Jamie Lynn Spears is preganant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I absolutely abhor celebrity gossip but for about a million reasons I've gotta talk about this one. Seriously this is like the most fucking hilarious thing to happen in awhile. I mean, who would have thought that by year's end that Britney would be the kid in that family who isn't the biggest fuck-up?

Well OK maybe she still is. Tough call really. She's still a shitty mom and had to shave her head to beat drug tests and lost custody of her kids to fucking K-Dirt. All that on top of the fact that she had kids with that guy to begin with. That plus she's like soooo incredibly fat now that like no guy would bang her, except for pretty much any straight guy with a pulse. But at least she didn't get knocked up at 16! Or at least that's what she'll be telling herself.

If nothing else the heat is off of her for awhile until she screws up again and gets back into the spotlight.

Spears, who turned 16 on April 4 and says she is 12 weeks into her pregnancy, told the magazine she plans to raise her child in Louisiana, "so it can have a normal family life."

Best of luck with that one!

Then of course there's the "what about the children" angle (I got through two of those before I just couldn't take it anymore; if there are any gems in there please let me know via comments). This is funny to me because a bunch of candy-ass parents probably are freaking out about what to tell their kids. If I've learned one thing about parents it's that a lot of them really hate having to do the fucking job they signed up for.

So while this is freaking awesome for most of the rest of us, that kid who got her pregnant probably isn't finding it too funny. Not only is he gonna be a daddy before he can even legally buy the alcohol to drown those sorrows, but people are already talking statch charges for him. Hopefully it doesn't go beyond talk though.

I'm sure the kid's a real winner and all but I most kids don't deserve what Genarlow Wilson had to go through. Getting thrown in the slam for 10 and having to register as a sex offender for "aggravated child molestation" for getting blown by a girl two years younger than you when you're 17? Now granted they finally got the guy released but they certainly took their sweet time about it.

Now, this is the last country on earth I expect to get our sex laws right. And no, I'm not gonna make any kinda case for guys my age to be knocking up 16-year-olds, but calling someone a child molester when, at least from a legal standpoint, they're still a child is pretty fucking dumb. Just to throw more anecdotal evidence out there I seem to recall a case where an underage girl took nude photos of herself for her boyfriend and she got hit with child porn charges. That seems pretty reasonable.

Kids are gonna be kids and unfortunately are gonna do stupid shit. We'd rather they not, but in cases like these, they don't deserve jail and the sex offender tag for it.

Just to keep my street cred up here, what the hell happened to Jamie Lynn Spears anyway? I mean besides the pregnancy thing. Didn't she used to be cute? Maybe it's just all the makeup in that picture. If it is then that's just one more reason why I'm banning most, if not all, of that shit once I'm in charge.

I find myself in all sorts of odd places politically. In some ways I'm becoming more conservative. I'm down with moderate Republicans and even though I haven't pulled the trigger on it yet I'm still planning on becoming a gun owner. Fear not though, because in other ways I'm becoming more liberal. One such issue is the death penalty. I'm down with Jersey's decision to abolish the death penalty.

"Society must ask," he continued, "is it not morally superior to imprison 100 people for life than it is to execute all 100 when it's probable we execute an innocent?"

And that's pretty much the crux of it. As much as I am for killing assholes, the fact is that some innocent are going to slip through the cracks and that just completely goes against the ideals that we at least think this country was founded upon. As the saying goes (and as echoed by Corzine; hope he's wearing his fucking seat belt now), it's better to let a hundred guilty men go free than to wrongfully imprison one innocent. The notion of executing even one single innocent person is just completely wrong and I can't rationalize that one away in any sort of "justice" system. Plus at least imprisonment can be reversed.

The bill was introduced in November after a state commission concluded capital punishment was an ineffective deterrent to crime.

See I never really cared about it being a deterrent, and I also didn't need a study to tell me that the death penalty wasn't one. I was just all for getting rid of people we don't need, and of course, that Biblical need for revenge. Pretty much if it's that kind of shit coming from those corners of my mind it's probably bad.

I think of people like Jesse Timmendequas, and I'm like, yeah, just kill that guy. But as I've said before, being a child killer and/or child molester in prison has got to be way worse than death. No one wants to die, but not one wants to be that guy on the fucking prison totem pole, so life in prison is more satisfying of a punishment in the end for some of the more heinous crimes. But I guess in a way we're back to that whole revenge thing since I think that's a harsher punishment, aren't we? So is the death penalty good again? Shit.

Somewhat old news, but this is pretty fucking stupid. I'd expect this to stir up some controversy. But an arrest? Hey, Madison, Wisconsin police, how fucking stupid are you?

What happens when you say 'bomb' in an airport? That's free speech, isn't it?" he said. "And people are taken into custody for that all the time."

Oh yeah, that fucking stupid. I'd tell you to look up "clear and present danger" but you'd probably think I'm referring to the movie you dumbfuck.

Most likely this was a joke. Maybe not the best way to get your point across but whatever. And if it wasn't a joke? OK, fine, so they guy's a Klebold and Harris sympathizer. That's not a crime. And it certainly didn't sound like some kind of threat, either.

The comment disturbed at least one teacher, who called police in West Bend, 40 miles north of Milwaukee and home of the blog's administrator.

That's pretty awesome. You can get thrown in the can for "disturbing" someone. Jesus R. Christ, would some of you people grow a fucking sack?

Police traveled to arrest Buss at his home in Cudahy, south of Milwaukee, last week after the blogger gave them the anonymous poster's IP address.

Also speaking of needing to grow a sack, at least potentially, I wonder how much of a fight this blogger put up before he rolled and gave up the IP address? I'm guessing the cops threatened him and shit and he pussed out. I'm not saying that I wouldn't have too, but I'm a self-admitted coward so that's not helping this guy's case any.

I always hate for my most recent post to be one of those oh-woe-is-me despite the fact that I'm more fortunate than the vast majority of people out there pity parties, even though the better part of my life as been precisely one of those posts. So here's something funny to lighten the mood back up.

As I've mentioned before, I became a fan of the web comic Overcompensating. My enthusiasm for the strip has waned, though, just because I'm getting really sick of his preachy ass liberal bullshit. I'm like, dude, I get it -- and I agree with you on a lot of this stuff. But can you knock it off and just be funny? Or at least go back to doing Wigu on a regular basis?

He did have one really funny comic a couple weeks back though that involved no left-wing preachiness, and it was funny because it's absolutely true.

eMisery

So after all these years of blogging it should be pretty obvious that I'm, like, one of the loneliest motherfuckers out there (my new girlfriend not withstanding). If I'm a straight guy blogging about the guys I'd have sex with if I had to, I've gotta be pretty lonely. I know you're probably thinking "closet case..." but that's just not it. Despite the shopping habit, despite always wanting to dress nice, despite enjoying decorating, despite the Pinky Street obsession, despite taking an hour every fucking morning just to get showered and dressed, I'm still attracted to women and not guys.

And I'm sure most are like, well yeah duh you're lonely, have you paid any attention to what you're like? But c'mon, I'm not that bad. A handful of really good people have enjoyed having me around. And a bunch of total dooshebags haven't, but hey, that's life.

Or maybe I am that bad. I look back over the years, and only once has a friend even made a half-assed kinda-sorta attempt to set me up with someone. You would think that for a guy who is pretty smart, has a master's degree in something useful, has a good job, has a mortgage instead of a lease, is nearing his second new BMW in three years, and is actually a pretty caring and entertaining and decent guy despite all the sarcasm and bitching and other issues, that someone, at some point, would have thought I'd be a good guy for someone else and I'd have gotten some help. But apparently I have so much bad that it way more than cancels out all the good. So in the end that really tells me all that I need to know about myself.

Of course it's not everyone else's job to fix my solitude issues. It'd be nice, but the responsibility is still mine. Of course, being painfully fucking shy doesn't help much, either. I did start taking an anti-anxiety medication recently, so we'll see if that helps calm me in social situations. So far all it's managed to do is make me even more sleepy during the day than I normally am.

If things continue like this, though, I think I'm gonna end up a Type B Bisexual male. The way I see it, there are two types of bi guys: A) guys who are truly attracted to both men and women, and B) guys who are willing to settle. You know, some guys go out looking for pussy, they'll settle for dick. Unless if I'd rather stay alone, eventually I'm going to have to settle for something, whether it be dick or something else sub-optimal. Guess that would serve me right for all these years of being a spoiled prick. I've gotten damn near everything else I've wanted but no one can have it all.

But who knows, maybe it's not completely bleak. This past weekend ETP was trying to encourage me to sign up for an online dating site. Which kinda makes sense. I'm obviously not going to be able to find someone in the ways most people have for hundreds of years. Plus I'm good at spending money after all (which leads me to strongly consider a mail-order bride).

So the first two sites that came to mind were eHarmony and match.com. I go to eHarmony, and look at their "I'm an X looking for an X" dropdown boxes. The only options are a guy looking for a girl or vice versa. No love for the queers. Despite not being at the Type B stage (yet), I was still kinda put off by the implicit homophobia they showed.

So I go over to Match, and at the bottom of their front page is some kind of ad for Dr. Phil. So back to eHarmony.

And hey, why not? They do match you on 29 dimensions of something or other. And if there are three things I trust in this world, it's a soft-spoken but mildly creepy old man claiming that he can help me find the love of my life, psychology, and programmers writing code to match me up with said love of my life.

As far as the latent homophobia? Well, maybe with their supposed system they just don't feel like they have the expertise to be making matches for homosexual couples. Already an apologist, yeah, but at least I'm not aligning myself with Dr. Phil.

It's only been a few days so far, but not much luck at this point. Got a couple decent matches, like a girl who is around my age and is 4'8", but she wasn't interested. Today one of my new matches that showed up was a very cute Japanese girl who unfortunately lives in Canada. Still waiting to hear back from her but not exactly holding out a ton of hope there.

So yeah, that was probably ninety bucks wasted. If anything comes of this endeavor you will all be the first to know, because fire and brimstone will start raining from the sky and Jesus will make his long-awaited return appearance.