And yet another awesome comic discovery: Jesus and Mo. Link stolen from Sarah, longtime friend of the program. A sampling of a couple really good ones can be found at her post here.

Matt Damon is one of the coolest people out there. In case you need more evidence, there's this.

No I have not gone into the furniture business

How exactly do you fuck up like this? How do you not know? I don't care how poorly read you are, I don't care how out of touch with pretty much everything you are, everyone knows that when you hear "Lolita" it's probably not good. Well, it's good, but, well... Exactly.

18-1

So yeah that's pretty funny. I wasn't all that worked up over the game to begin with -- I've never understood why the Super Bowl is such a big deal if you don't normally root for either of the teams playing. I mean it's like a religious holiday for lots of guys, only more important. I guess it's an excuse to party and get drunk, but seriously, why do we ever need excuses for that?

Anyway this was one of those games where I could come up with reasons to root against both teams. Like most of the rest of the country I'm sick of Boston, and New York is, well, New York. In the end I was pulling for the Giants because as it turns out I'm more sick of Boston in general and the Patriots in specific than I am of New York overall. The OCD in me would have gotten some satisfaction had the Patriots pulled it out just because of the perfect record, plus I think we're all pretty tired of hearing about the '72 Dolphins. So either way it would have gone I would have been like, meh.

I suppose it was pretty cool to see Quentin Tarentino win the Super Bowl and get MVP honors so early in his career, especially after it took his older brother so long to finally "win the big one." Speaking of whom, does that guy not have any friends or something? Like why was he sitting alone in a corner nearly every time the cameras went to him in the booth? Cut that meat!

The other reason people get all worked up for the Super Bowl -- the commercials -- weren't too stellar either. Although I'm sure if there were any really good ones I missed them anyway. The one with Carville and Frist was kinda funny, and I think the best one I saw was the one with Dwayne Wade and Charles Barkley. Gotta love Chuckles.

Okay so who out there has been Rickrolled? I haven't been but for some reason find the concept hilarious. Probably because it's never happened to me. For those unfamiliar, how it works is that someone sends you a link to something that sounds totally awesome and it ends up being a link to this video. I think a typical Rickrolling experience goes something like this.

As a side note, the first time I saw that video I was like, there's no way that that is that kid's voice.

Anyway to get to the main purpose of this post, which is to link to this. That is just so fucking awesome and at the same time sad when you think that there are people out there with so much time on their hands. That doesn't make it less awesome, cause, damn.

There is lots of other stuff I found on YouTube done in Mario Paint Composer but that was by far the best. Oh, and apparently most weren't done in real Mario Paint, but someone made a clone of it that you can download. All that makes me ask though is when are they gonna make a standalone flyswatter game for download? It's probably out there if I would JFGI.

And as one more aside, primarily for ETP, you can find all of the Migraine Boy stuff on YouTube if you haven't already. Not as funny as we made them out to be, but still kinda amusing.

This one's really just for the ultra hard-core nerds out there. Almost a shame that A) He's looking for women and B) I'm not gay (so pissed that I've been told all these years it's a choice and it isn't) because anyone who makes fork() jokes is OK by me.

While we're on the subject of personals that whole eHarmony thing isn't panning out. For those unfamiliar with the service here's how it works:

1. You fill out your personality profile so that they can begin matching you based on 29 different dimensions of compatability.
2. Once you are in the system you can fill out a profile and upload pictures for others to see. In other words, a picture and a paragraph.
3. When you are matched with someone based on 29 different dimensions of compatability you are notified as such.
4. When you are matched with someone based on 29 different dimensions of compatability you can then choose to A) Ignore them B) "Close" the match and notify the other party of your lack of interest or C) Begin communicating.

As you might imagine it's primarily A and B action going on. I have received no incoming C action and anytime I try and initiate communication it is almost always fucking ignored. When someone tries to start communicating with you -- someone who, may I remind you, was matched with you based on 29 different dimensions of compatability -- you can politely close that match if you're not interested. But most of these dumb bitches don't even give you that courtesy! This is pretty much just like real fucking life. Fuck that. eFuckingLame.

Anyway I just don't see why I can't get a girlfriend.

It could be that like most of the fucking girls out there are, apparently, 5'7" and above. Apparently their 29 different dimensions of compatability don't include height. Yeah I know, I make a much bigger deal out the whole short man's syndrome thing than I should, but c'mon. Throw me a fucking bone here.

So it's old news (like three whole days or something) and I don't even have a link but I was kinda disappointed to see Rudy drop puss out of the race so quickly after his poor Florida showing. Not that I did another about-face on Rudy -- the guy still sucked, sandwich or not. When your whole platform is "9/11!" you're not a good candidate; you're George W. Bush.

I wanted Rudy to be at least competitive, though, just to prove that the early states, like Iowa and New Hampshire, really don't matter. I am so fucking sick and tired of fucking Iowa and New Hampshire having a fucking disproportionate amount of say in this fucking process. I know, I know, letting marginal states like that do their thing early makes the candidates care about those states and pay attention to them. So that, you know, once they get elected they can go back to ignoring those states like they would have preferred to be doing all along.

Of course this saga with Rudy just helps to show the opposite of what I was hoping for, and that those early contests do matter even if the states and every single person who lives in them don't. Although momentum might not be everything, it certainly doesn't hurt. If nothing else I think it just comes down to a matter of exposure. You've heard nothing but shit about most of the candidates for the past several weeks, but Giuliani has been all but invisible. In the course of a few short weeks he went from being America's Mayor to Rudy Who?liani (sorry, best I could come up with).

While we're talking candidates, maybe I should get on board with McCain, if for no other reason some of the d-bags who are against him. Sorry for linking something with Ann Coulter's picture in it; seeing her makes my dick go and hide in my spleen, too.

While we're anointing, what kind of scientists would publish a study saying that both exercise and booze are good for you? Only the MOST AWESOME FUCKING SCIENTISTS EVER!

Well OK so pretty awesome at least:

Before you rush off to hit the bar after your workout, keep in mind that your age matters. Alcohol may do you no coronary good until you reach the age at which heart disease becomes an appreciable risk. "You wouldn't advise everyone to drink," says Gronbaek. "You shouldn't even think about doing it until age 45 or 50. There's absolutely no proof of a preventative and protective effect before age 45."

Might want a second opinion on that part.

If they're right about this, though, it turns out that Servo was right.

"Packed with minerals booze really satisfies."
- Tom Servo

This girl is making a strong play for title of Coolest Kid Ever. Seriously, how big of a failure does that make you feel like? Social life aside I'm moderately successful and that even makes me think, damn, I need to get a day planner or something.

Another great comic discovery: Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal. A sampling of some that I enjoyed a great deal, hitting on some of my favorite subjects:

Math
Dorks
Sex offender jokes
DV perp jokes
Superheroes
Jesus
Slasholes (well, that's what first comes to mind for me)
Noam Chomsky
Religious tolerance
Marital strife
Sex ed
Creationism vs. Evolution
Relativity
More creationism
Elegant solutions
Violence
Morons
Confidence

Oh man I totally wish they would send me one of these.

Oh yeah, here's another site I've been meaning to pass on (since so many people are reading this... my traffic is actually down since i started posting again, which might be a good thing since most of my traffic is from losers and/or pedophiles showing up via Google): McSweeney's Internet Tendency. The front page is not terribly well organized, though; you have to scroll down a ways just to get to the archives. They have just a ton of funny shit there (like the page of lists) and I've only started to scratch the surface.

A sampling of a few articles I read that I thought were pretty good:

Jesus Christ Decides He Doesn't Want to Celebrate His Birthday This Year
Surgery Is Easy
Other Ways the Terrorists Win
The Neurotic Pickup Artist
Yiddish Spam
A Hillbilly Thanksgiving Menu
Exotic Blitzes
Haiku a Bitter Duck Might Write

With all due respect to Bill Maher

New rule: if the person you said something offensive about is over it, then everyone else has to shut the fuck up.

Sharpton said he wants Tilghman fired, period. And if the Golf Channel doesn't comply, the network can expect to see Sharpton and his National Action Network supporters picketing its Orlando, Florida, headquarters.

What pisses me off about this shit is all the wasted energy. It could really be put to better use working to actually do something that might matter.

"I don't know why that would pop into her mind, but it popped out of her mouth, and she should be held accountable," the reverend said.

She... Has... Been. Is that where you're really at Al? Someone should be fired for exercising their First Amendment rights? Or for making one mistake? That sounds very, -- shit, what's the word? -- oh yeah, intolerant. Have you even heard of the First Amendment, Al? If she were serious that would be one thing, but any moron, even Al Sharpton (who is very clean by the way) can tell that she wasn't serious, so get over it. People make mistakes, people say dumb shit. It happens, move the fuck on and find another soapbox.

"It's not about Tiger Woods. It's about the station. It's about using public airwaves to offend people," Sharpton said. "Some things are beyond the pale of discussion."

That is just such a fucking pussy-ass stance. We should lynch Al Sharpton.

Yeah I think it would be pretty awesome too if Mark Cuban bought the Cubs but it just isn't gonna happen. And you know, I don't know that Cuban is the answer to the Cubs' woes, but you know, more of the same shit sure isn't either. Cuban would at least be interesting. He would shake things up. And he actually gives a shit about winning. That alone is a marked change from, oh, gee, the last fucking century.

So I discovered a new webcomic that's kinda weird but kinda entertaining too: The Book of Biff.

Just imagine how pissed guys must be if their HMO doesn't cover whatever fucking dentist this article is talking about. I don't know if they have HMOs in Japan but they probably do since they copy all the rest of our shit besides orthodontics.

Alright so just as a warning you're probably better off not clicking the links in the rest of this post if you're at work or something. Nothing pornographic or anything that would get the FBI knocking at your door, though, so relax.

Okay so another thing Japan doesn't copy is the American notion of a "schoolgirl." Or at least I thought they didn't until I saw this shit. I swear to god that better not have been a Japanese photographer responsible for that and if it was they have shamed themselves and stained their entire family for generations. Add in some really clunky shoes instead of those black loafers and you have what I call the "naughty schoolgirl" look. Here's a better example of the type of garbage I'm talking about that I see all the time that makes my blood boil, and not in a fun way. That look is an affront to everything that's hot.

Listen up, people: real schoolgirls in uniform don't wear their shirts like that. Real schoolgirls don't wear stockings like that. Real schoolgirls don't wear shoes like that. Okay sure some will but go to any fucking Catholic school and I promise you that you won't see any of that nonsense unless if the Church has gotten even more fucked up than I'd realized. What is the point of lusting after something so inauthentic, Mr. In-Denial Pedophile?

Here's the deal: if you're going to do anything "schoolgirl" related you either consult with me or Japan first. We know what we're talking about. Despite the above linked mess (you can find more of that set here if you're an idiot with no sense of taste for the finer things in life) I'm still giving Japan the benefit of the doubt since I'm considering their entire body of work which has been magnificent up to this point. But they should know that they're on notice and if I see any more of that crap I'm coming over there and kicking some ass just to make sure.

So it's really a shame that PenIsland doesn't actually make any pens or have any samples to give out (which from what I saw somewhere else actually existed at one point). Stemming from that I found out about some other interesting URLs:

therapistfinder.com -- a therapist's network
cummingfirst.com -- Cumming First United Church in Cumming, GA

And maybe the best URL ever:

powergenitalia.com -- an Italian power generator company

So in the event that things don't work out between me and Sasha Cohen or me and Gorby's granddaughter (Danica Patrick being out of the running since she's married, and I just found out that she converted to Catholicism after seeing The Passion of the Jesus, which is lame) I have a new love interest: actress Ellen Page. She is just outstandingly cute. Yes I know this post is worthless without pics so here you go since you're too fucking lazy to find links on your own. Just remember I called her first and we're cool. Some facts from her bio:

Day of birth: 21st February 1987

I first heard about her starring as a 16-year-old girl who gets pregnant in the recent film Juno, so I was pretty stoked to find out that she's actually not only legal but even near drinking age. That's pretty huge when it comes to me.

Height: 1,55 m (5'1)

No real explanation needed that that's fucking awesome.

Favorite food: Sushi

I love this girl.

While I'm passing along recent discoveries I'll let you know about Gina Carano, one of the stars of the new American Gladiators series (cause yeah, there's a good idea... a new American Gladiators). I won't declare her an imaginary girlfriend/wife since she's 5'8" and this guy has already taken her (since this part of the post is worthless without pics, scroll down on that guy's page for some more pics).

She's no Sasha or Ellen or whatever the fuck Gorbachev's granddaughter's name is but she's still not unpleasant to look at either. To me she kinda looks like Sandra Bullock but with better teeth. Plus, she can easily knock all of Bullock's teeth out since she's a bad-ass female MMA star. I'm don't really care for the whole MMA thing, but women's MMA... That might be pretty fucking awesome. Human cockfighting, meh, human chickfighting, nice. And no, it's not just that whole two women fighting thing that us guys are hot on, although that's part of it. But just like girls with guns, girls who can easily beat the shit out of most people they come across are pretty hot too.

Alright, so I've found what might be the coolest blog name ever: Tiger Woods Fist Pump. The guy describes himself as "some guy in Minneapolis pretending to be a sportswriter." He doesn't have a whole lot of stuff and I've read even less of it so far except for him lamenting about baseball cards and other sports cards. His haiku in the latter link just about killed me and deserves some kind of literary award.

I'm not sure if this venture is going to pan out.

"Young men these days grew up with character goods. That generation feels no embarrassment about wearing Hello Kitty."

You probably wanna be pretty damn sure about that before you jump into anything too costly. While we do have a lot in common, though, I wouldn't presume to say that I have an intimate knowledge of the Japanese male's mindset. So maybe this will work but I just get a feeling it won't. Even with as strong as my feminine side is I can't see myself wearing anything Hello Kitty, and if I won't do it then you're pretty much fucked. Hell, I don't even have any Hello Kitty merchandise at this point (although there are supposed to be some Hello Kitty-themed Pinkys coming out next year). I mean how exactly do you get Hello Kitty to appeal to guys who want to have sex with chicks?

According to the Associated Press, the iconic mouth-less cat will be given a "more rugged, cool look to appeal to men in their teens and early 20s" for the first time.

You've gotta wonder what the omnipresent Sanrio has up their sleeve to accomplish that makeover. Then you realize that any such endeavor can only turn out adorable and then I think we're back to where we started.

Honestly the only way I can see to market this to guys is so that they have something in common with girls who are into Hello Kitty, but that's probably a creepy route to go (as evidenced by the fact that I thought of it).

There are two types of internet t-shirt stores out there: ones that are clever and ones that just think they're clever. While some were lame I found some of the shirts at Busted Tees to be pretty funny, so I'll let them sit on the "clever" pile. I was particularly fond of soccer.

While we're on the subject of toys, or whatever, here's Cracked's list of The 5 Least Surprising Toy Recalls of All Time.

Okay, so this may officially be the dirtiest thing I've ever seen:


What is that, aside from yet another figure of a young anime girl in a provocative pose? If you didn't look closely enough, look at that box down beneath her, uh, box... Between her knees. It's a pencil sharpener. Look, as usual I'm not passing judgment here on the Japanese since we share a lot of fetishes/mental issues. When I "complain" that it's "dirty" that complaint comes with a good dose of amusement and laughter. But I do recognize that it's messed up, at least to people who don't have the issues that we do. I mean, as if the pose isn't bad enough, she's got her hand on her little ass, almost... Nevermind.

Considering the series that she comes from, Kodomo no Jikan (Child's Time), the toy, errr, office supply, whatever, is actually pretty appropriate. Both the anime and manga are pretty dirty. The series revolves around Rin, featured in the above shown pencil sharpener, a precocious girl who has the hots for her third-grade homeroom teacher and tortures him in all sorts of naughty ways. Yes, third-grade. I don't know how exactly the Japanese school system works but the character is like 9 years old. Some of you are shocked, and some of you know that's just par for the course with Japan. Anyway the show/comic is not outright porn, but again, it's dirty. You know, in a cute sort of way. Which makes it even dirtier.

It is fairly entertaining, though, and not just because I'm a pervert; I've watched a couple of the episodes of the TV show and read translations of some of the manga. While the basic premise is the whole naughty lil schoolgirl thing, there actually is story, character development, and depth to the series, or at least there was with as far as I got in the manga. The manga was created by a woman, which I also find interesting because at first blush you'd expect for something like this to be created by a man as a simple pedo fantasy.

You won't be able to buy the manga at any point soon here in the States (at least not in English) after the American distributor for the title pussed out and pulled it all thanks to a shitstorm kicked up by the blowhard who writes the "Hey, Answerman!" column on Anime News Network.

Probably without having seen a single page of the manga this moron and a bunch of other moral grand-standers in forums started this huge controversy over the title, calling it "lolicon" and "virtual child porn" and blah blah blah. For anyone unfamiliar with lolicon, here's a quick primer. True, balls-out lolicon manga and anime involves the showing of genitals, sex, all that fun stuff. With kids. So yeah, it's messed up, but it's fucking cartoons. Maybe a bad choice of words there, but you know what I'm getting at.

At this point I should probably go full disclosure and point out that I haven't seen a whole lot of real lolicon stuff. Yeah, I really need to edit this site's header to just reflect that I merely have a lolita complex but I'm not a collector of that genre. 'Cause, you know, that makes me seem like a more balanced individual. Okay so I did that and now I'm a normal person fit for polite society.

Anyway we can sit down and have a discussion about lolicon and its merits or lack thereof, but what was really stupid about this whole thing is that Kodomo no Jikan is not kiddie porn and it is not lolicon. Again, I would know that because I've actually read enough of it to get a feel for just how naughty it is. At most it's a bit worse than a lot of stuff that's already on the shelves and considered "mainstream." It's dirty, but it's not that dirty. Maybe too dirty for Puritan America, but of course Puritan America is stupid.

There are a whole lot of d-bags on eBay. The worst of them I simply refer to as "soulless cocksuckers on eBay." Take this item, for instance. For anyone like me who played with real Transformers in the 80s, it is plain as day that the toy shown there is far from a "re-issue". Upon inspecting the packaging though, I am almost tempted to buy it:


Why am I tempted to pick up that gem? Isn't it obvious? It's because he is HUGE EXTREMELY. In fact he is so HUGE EXTREMELY that it says so on the package twice. You don't fuck with that.

Here's a couple of Jesus tidbits for ya. First up are these retarded people.

"We're good Christian people."

With all due respect to Mr. Clemens, suppose you were a good Christian person. And suppose you were an idiot. But I repeat myself. Seriously, is there any wonder that us elitists mock your beliefs by calling them superstitions? Furthermore, if those people are giving up their phone numbers with 666 prefixes, can I have one of them? How fucking sweet would that be?

Then there's this next article. I could go on and on about it but really I'd just be repeating myself and as you all know I have a strict policy against that. All I will say is you get what you pay for.

And so the 53-year-old accountant from the Tampa, Florida, area...

Okay, I do have to comment on that, because the fact that that woman is an accountant is pretty hilarious. Stay the fuck away from my 1040, lady.