Another audio post, ranting about Star Trek (4.3MB).

Blast from the past

All hail the return of audio posts (1.8MB).

3.14159265359

While we're being inappropriate I thought I'd share another little tidbit with you. Don't worry, this one isn't something from some dark corner of my mind. Well mostly.

So I get this catalog of porn movies in the mail the other day, right? Well one of the movies -- or really, a series of movies -- was based on the theme of the "internal cumshot," AKA creampies AKA "the guy ejaculates and he doesn't wear a condom and he doesn't pull out and blow his load somewhere on the girl." Personally I never understood the need for visual ID that the guy did indeed orgasm but that's another discussion. And of course no way I could see why porn actresses wouldn't want guys doing that inside them all day either.

Anyway back to the title of this movie series I mentioned? Internal Cumbustion. That might be the awesomest porn title ever. Or at least that I've seen in awhile. I could say that being a person responsible for coming up with porn movie titles is one of the best jobs possible and you could argue with me but you'd be wrong. Seriously, how awesome would it be for your whole job to be cheap puns and innuendo and get paid for it?

While we're on the subject if you know of any good creampie sites please let me know. I have been unable to find one that defines me as a person. In other words, one with enough decent looking girls to justify signing up. Which maybe shouldn't be too much of a surprise.

So I don't bother with The New York Times anymore ever since they went to a paid subscription for their op-ed page. I know like the paper's totally gone down hill and about to completely tank without my readership but it had to be done. Anyway they dropped that subscription nonsense and went back to all free but I just can't go back to being a regular reader. I just know that if I start reading Maureen Dowd's columns again I'll end up pissed at her like most other liberals out there, and I want to remember how it was between Maureen and I back in the good ol' days.

Anyway I did wander by today and on the front page this question was being asked:

What do you think is an appropriate way for children to learn about AIDS?

By giving it to them. That's... Probably not good when that joke is the first thing that comes to my mind.

I don't think I've ever wanted to kill more than after watching this. I don't know what's more infuriating -- the story itself or that someone deemed it "news." Yes I know it's CNN and they suck and it's my own fault and blah blah blah.

Okay so as usual maybe I'm being unfair and jumping to conclusions that they weren't discriminated against for the reason they claim and instead assuming, I dunno, that they were "discriminated" against for being obnoxious cunts. But let's give them the benefit of the doubt. After all, no one else looked like them on the plane... Except them!

Even if their gripes are legit, that is still the fucking lamest bloody reason to complain about being discriminated against. Get back to me when you face some real discrimination! Other people out there face discrimination too but they usually can't parlay that into free drinks and no cover.

Boo freaking hoo.

The news isn't all bad though: what the fuck is that growing on the brunette's chin?

I'm not certain if this is an endorsement or not

So when I first saw that Nader is in... Again... I was like, dude, what are you doing?

No, not because I blame him for the outcome of the 2000 election. Sure, when you look at the numbers, if Nader hadn't been in the race Gore probably would have won. But I still don't blame Nader. Shit, ultimately I don't even blame those d-bags on the Supreme Court. You know who I do blame for 2000? Gore. Let's look a what Gore had going for him:

1. Pretty smart and pretty well respected
2. A part of the Clinton Administration, which was fairly popular and left the country with eight years of no wars and a healthy economy
3. An opponent who was a complete retard

The 2000 election never should have been close to begin with. Anyone who can fuck up with that set-up doesn't deserve to be president. Unfortunately someone even less deserving won.

So yeah, when I saw Nader getting into the mix I wasn't pissed because of that. My first thoughts were, why are you wasting every one's time with this? You're not helping matters and I don't think you're really making a statement other than "I want to be President." Stop that.

But then I got a load of some of his rhetoric:

In an interview with CNN on Monday, Nader accused Illinois Sen. Barack Obama of name-calling and challenged him to "address the issues."

"Above all, explain why you don't come down hard on the economic crimes against minorities in city ghettos: payday loans, predatory lending, rent-to-own rackets, landlord abuses, lead contamination, asbestos," Nader said.

"There's an unseemly silence by you, Barack -- a community organizer in poor areas in Chicago many years ago -- on this issue," he said.

Oh, hell yeah. FUCK YOU Barack Obama! And I quote Nicholas Cage from The Rock: How do you like how that shit works?

Nader called Sen. Hillary Clinton the Democrat "most loved by big business," referencing a Fortune magazine article from last year.

Suck on that bitch! Ralph Nader is here now and he isn't taking any of your shit.

"The Democrats ought to look themselves in the mirror and ask themselves why they have not been able to landslide the worst Republican Party and the White House and Congress over the last 20 years," he said.

Yes. I agree with that statement. Democrats: stop your fucking whining. It is not Nader's fault that you are unable to get your shit together. Ralph Nader and I don't want to keep hearing this garbage from you.

Ralph Nader just got on the scene and he's already firing on all cylinders. Look out, 'cause the man is unsafe at any speed!

And yet another awesome comic discovery: Jesus and Mo. Link stolen from Sarah, longtime friend of the program. A sampling of a couple really good ones can be found at her post here.

Matt Damon is one of the coolest people out there. In case you need more evidence, there's this.

No I have not gone into the furniture business

How exactly do you fuck up like this? How do you not know? I don't care how poorly read you are, I don't care how out of touch with pretty much everything you are, everyone knows that when you hear "Lolita" it's probably not good. Well, it's good, but, well... Exactly.

18-1

So yeah that's pretty funny. I wasn't all that worked up over the game to begin with -- I've never understood why the Super Bowl is such a big deal if you don't normally root for either of the teams playing. I mean it's like a religious holiday for lots of guys, only more important. I guess it's an excuse to party and get drunk, but seriously, why do we ever need excuses for that?

Anyway this was one of those games where I could come up with reasons to root against both teams. Like most of the rest of the country I'm sick of Boston, and New York is, well, New York. In the end I was pulling for the Giants because as it turns out I'm more sick of Boston in general and the Patriots in specific than I am of New York overall. The OCD in me would have gotten some satisfaction had the Patriots pulled it out just because of the perfect record, plus I think we're all pretty tired of hearing about the '72 Dolphins. So either way it would have gone I would have been like, meh.

I suppose it was pretty cool to see Quentin Tarentino win the Super Bowl and get MVP honors so early in his career, especially after it took his older brother so long to finally "win the big one." Speaking of whom, does that guy not have any friends or something? Like why was he sitting alone in a corner nearly every time the cameras went to him in the booth? Cut that meat!

The other reason people get all worked up for the Super Bowl -- the commercials -- weren't too stellar either. Although I'm sure if there were any really good ones I missed them anyway. The one with Carville and Frist was kinda funny, and I think the best one I saw was the one with Dwayne Wade and Charles Barkley. Gotta love Chuckles.

Okay so who out there has been Rickrolled? I haven't been but for some reason find the concept hilarious. Probably because it's never happened to me. For those unfamiliar, how it works is that someone sends you a link to something that sounds totally awesome and it ends up being a link to this video. I think a typical Rickrolling experience goes something like this.

As a side note, the first time I saw that video I was like, there's no way that that is that kid's voice.

Anyway to get to the main purpose of this post, which is to link to this. That is just so fucking awesome and at the same time sad when you think that there are people out there with so much time on their hands. That doesn't make it less awesome, cause, damn.

There is lots of other stuff I found on YouTube done in Mario Paint Composer but that was by far the best. Oh, and apparently most weren't done in real Mario Paint, but someone made a clone of it that you can download. All that makes me ask though is when are they gonna make a standalone flyswatter game for download? It's probably out there if I would JFGI.

And as one more aside, primarily for ETP, you can find all of the Migraine Boy stuff on YouTube if you haven't already. Not as funny as we made them out to be, but still kinda amusing.

This one's really just for the ultra hard-core nerds out there. Almost a shame that A) He's looking for women and B) I'm not gay (so pissed that I've been told all these years it's a choice and it isn't) because anyone who makes fork() jokes is OK by me.

While we're on the subject of personals that whole eHarmony thing isn't panning out. For those unfamiliar with the service here's how it works:

1. You fill out your personality profile so that they can begin matching you based on 29 different dimensions of compatability.
2. Once you are in the system you can fill out a profile and upload pictures for others to see. In other words, a picture and a paragraph.
3. When you are matched with someone based on 29 different dimensions of compatability you are notified as such.
4. When you are matched with someone based on 29 different dimensions of compatability you can then choose to A) Ignore them B) "Close" the match and notify the other party of your lack of interest or C) Begin communicating.

As you might imagine it's primarily A and B action going on. I have received no incoming C action and anytime I try and initiate communication it is almost always fucking ignored. When someone tries to start communicating with you -- someone who, may I remind you, was matched with you based on 29 different dimensions of compatability -- you can politely close that match if you're not interested. But most of these dumb bitches don't even give you that courtesy! This is pretty much just like real fucking life. Fuck that. eFuckingLame.

Anyway I just don't see why I can't get a girlfriend.

It could be that like most of the fucking girls out there are, apparently, 5'7" and above. Apparently their 29 different dimensions of compatability don't include height. Yeah I know, I make a much bigger deal out the whole short man's syndrome thing than I should, but c'mon. Throw me a fucking bone here.

So it's old news (like three whole days or something) and I don't even have a link but I was kinda disappointed to see Rudy drop puss out of the race so quickly after his poor Florida showing. Not that I did another about-face on Rudy -- the guy still sucked, sandwich or not. When your whole platform is "9/11!" you're not a good candidate; you're George W. Bush.

I wanted Rudy to be at least competitive, though, just to prove that the early states, like Iowa and New Hampshire, really don't matter. I am so fucking sick and tired of fucking Iowa and New Hampshire having a fucking disproportionate amount of say in this fucking process. I know, I know, letting marginal states like that do their thing early makes the candidates care about those states and pay attention to them. So that, you know, once they get elected they can go back to ignoring those states like they would have preferred to be doing all along.

Of course this saga with Rudy just helps to show the opposite of what I was hoping for, and that those early contests do matter even if the states and every single person who lives in them don't. Although momentum might not be everything, it certainly doesn't hurt. If nothing else I think it just comes down to a matter of exposure. You've heard nothing but shit about most of the candidates for the past several weeks, but Giuliani has been all but invisible. In the course of a few short weeks he went from being America's Mayor to Rudy Who?liani (sorry, best I could come up with).

While we're talking candidates, maybe I should get on board with McCain, if for no other reason some of the d-bags who are against him. Sorry for linking something with Ann Coulter's picture in it; seeing her makes my dick go and hide in my spleen, too.

While we're anointing, what kind of scientists would publish a study saying that both exercise and booze are good for you? Only the MOST AWESOME FUCKING SCIENTISTS EVER!

Well OK so pretty awesome at least:

Before you rush off to hit the bar after your workout, keep in mind that your age matters. Alcohol may do you no coronary good until you reach the age at which heart disease becomes an appreciable risk. "You wouldn't advise everyone to drink," says Gronbaek. "You shouldn't even think about doing it until age 45 or 50. There's absolutely no proof of a preventative and protective effect before age 45."

Might want a second opinion on that part.

If they're right about this, though, it turns out that Servo was right.

"Packed with minerals booze really satisfies."
- Tom Servo

This girl is making a strong play for title of Coolest Kid Ever. Seriously, how big of a failure does that make you feel like? Social life aside I'm moderately successful and that even makes me think, damn, I need to get a day planner or something.

Another great comic discovery: Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal. A sampling of some that I enjoyed a great deal, hitting on some of my favorite subjects:

Math
Dorks
Sex offender jokes
DV perp jokes
Superheroes
Jesus
Slasholes (well, that's what first comes to mind for me)
Noam Chomsky
Religious tolerance
Marital strife
Sex ed
Creationism vs. Evolution
Relativity
More creationism
Elegant solutions
Violence
Morons
Confidence

Oh man I totally wish they would send me one of these.

Oh yeah, here's another site I've been meaning to pass on (since so many people are reading this... my traffic is actually down since i started posting again, which might be a good thing since most of my traffic is from losers and/or pedophiles showing up via Google): McSweeney's Internet Tendency. The front page is not terribly well organized, though; you have to scroll down a ways just to get to the archives. They have just a ton of funny shit there (like the page of lists) and I've only started to scratch the surface.

A sampling of a few articles I read that I thought were pretty good:

Jesus Christ Decides He Doesn't Want to Celebrate His Birthday This Year
Surgery Is Easy
Other Ways the Terrorists Win
The Neurotic Pickup Artist
Yiddish Spam
A Hillbilly Thanksgiving Menu
Exotic Blitzes
Haiku a Bitter Duck Might Write

With all due respect to Bill Maher

New rule: if the person you said something offensive about is over it, then everyone else has to shut the fuck up.

Sharpton said he wants Tilghman fired, period. And if the Golf Channel doesn't comply, the network can expect to see Sharpton and his National Action Network supporters picketing its Orlando, Florida, headquarters.

What pisses me off about this shit is all the wasted energy. It could really be put to better use working to actually do something that might matter.

"I don't know why that would pop into her mind, but it popped out of her mouth, and she should be held accountable," the reverend said.

She... Has... Been. Is that where you're really at Al? Someone should be fired for exercising their First Amendment rights? Or for making one mistake? That sounds very, -- shit, what's the word? -- oh yeah, intolerant. Have you even heard of the First Amendment, Al? If she were serious that would be one thing, but any moron, even Al Sharpton (who is very clean by the way) can tell that she wasn't serious, so get over it. People make mistakes, people say dumb shit. It happens, move the fuck on and find another soapbox.

"It's not about Tiger Woods. It's about the station. It's about using public airwaves to offend people," Sharpton said. "Some things are beyond the pale of discussion."

That is just such a fucking pussy-ass stance. We should lynch Al Sharpton.

Yeah I think it would be pretty awesome too if Mark Cuban bought the Cubs but it just isn't gonna happen. And you know, I don't know that Cuban is the answer to the Cubs' woes, but you know, more of the same shit sure isn't either. Cuban would at least be interesting. He would shake things up. And he actually gives a shit about winning. That alone is a marked change from, oh, gee, the last fucking century.

So I discovered a new webcomic that's kinda weird but kinda entertaining too: The Book of Biff.

Just imagine how pissed guys must be if their HMO doesn't cover whatever fucking dentist this article is talking about. I don't know if they have HMOs in Japan but they probably do since they copy all the rest of our shit besides orthodontics.

Alright so just as a warning you're probably better off not clicking the links in the rest of this post if you're at work or something. Nothing pornographic or anything that would get the FBI knocking at your door, though, so relax.

Okay so another thing Japan doesn't copy is the American notion of a "schoolgirl." Or at least I thought they didn't until I saw this shit. I swear to god that better not have been a Japanese photographer responsible for that and if it was they have shamed themselves and stained their entire family for generations. Add in some really clunky shoes instead of those black loafers and you have what I call the "naughty schoolgirl" look. Here's a better example of the type of garbage I'm talking about that I see all the time that makes my blood boil, and not in a fun way. That look is an affront to everything that's hot.

Listen up, people: real schoolgirls in uniform don't wear their shirts like that. Real schoolgirls don't wear stockings like that. Real schoolgirls don't wear shoes like that. Okay sure some will but go to any fucking Catholic school and I promise you that you won't see any of that nonsense unless if the Church has gotten even more fucked up than I'd realized. What is the point of lusting after something so inauthentic, Mr. In-Denial Pedophile?

Here's the deal: if you're going to do anything "schoolgirl" related you either consult with me or Japan first. We know what we're talking about. Despite the above linked mess (you can find more of that set here if you're an idiot with no sense of taste for the finer things in life) I'm still giving Japan the benefit of the doubt since I'm considering their entire body of work which has been magnificent up to this point. But they should know that they're on notice and if I see any more of that crap I'm coming over there and kicking some ass just to make sure.

So it's really a shame that PenIsland doesn't actually make any pens or have any samples to give out (which from what I saw somewhere else actually existed at one point). Stemming from that I found out about some other interesting URLs:

therapistfinder.com -- a therapist's network
cummingfirst.com -- Cumming First United Church in Cumming, GA

And maybe the best URL ever:

powergenitalia.com -- an Italian power generator company

So in the event that things don't work out between me and Sasha Cohen or me and Gorby's granddaughter (Danica Patrick being out of the running since she's married, and I just found out that she converted to Catholicism after seeing The Passion of the Jesus, which is lame) I have a new love interest: actress Ellen Page. She is just outstandingly cute. Yes I know this post is worthless without pics so here you go since you're too fucking lazy to find links on your own. Just remember I called her first and we're cool. Some facts from her bio:

Day of birth: 21st February 1987

I first heard about her starring as a 16-year-old girl who gets pregnant in the recent film Juno, so I was pretty stoked to find out that she's actually not only legal but even near drinking age. That's pretty huge when it comes to me.

Height: 1,55 m (5'1)

No real explanation needed that that's fucking awesome.

Favorite food: Sushi

I love this girl.

While I'm passing along recent discoveries I'll let you know about Gina Carano, one of the stars of the new American Gladiators series (cause yeah, there's a good idea... a new American Gladiators). I won't declare her an imaginary girlfriend/wife since she's 5'8" and this guy has already taken her (since this part of the post is worthless without pics, scroll down on that guy's page for some more pics).

She's no Sasha or Ellen or whatever the fuck Gorbachev's granddaughter's name is but she's still not unpleasant to look at either. To me she kinda looks like Sandra Bullock but with better teeth. Plus, she can easily knock all of Bullock's teeth out since she's a bad-ass female MMA star. I'm don't really care for the whole MMA thing, but women's MMA... That might be pretty fucking awesome. Human cockfighting, meh, human chickfighting, nice. And no, it's not just that whole two women fighting thing that us guys are hot on, although that's part of it. But just like girls with guns, girls who can easily beat the shit out of most people they come across are pretty hot too.

Alright, so I've found what might be the coolest blog name ever: Tiger Woods Fist Pump. The guy describes himself as "some guy in Minneapolis pretending to be a sportswriter." He doesn't have a whole lot of stuff and I've read even less of it so far except for him lamenting about baseball cards and other sports cards. His haiku in the latter link just about killed me and deserves some kind of literary award.