Either I posted this before or I meant to, 'cause it succinctly describes how I feel about politics right now. Obama more or less locked up the nomination; yank yank, squirt squirt. Can the Democrats please move on to their next abomination now? You know, like losing in November.

Wow, yeah. So... Stupid much?

Slightly creepy, yet amusing.

I'm really not sure what to think about this. On one hand, I'm about to get pissed, 'cause that's just fucking stupid. On the other hand, I haven't cared about Kombat for like a decade since the series has pretty much sucked since going 3-D, so why would I get worked up over this?

This just seems like such a dumbass idea, but what the fuck do I know. I mean, look at how successful Kingdom Hearts was. Seriously though, Disney + Final Fnatasy = Stupid. That's what I fucking know. And I know this, because Tyler knows this.

Just take a look at that picture. A stare-down between Sub-Zero and Batman.

Dude.

And I'm sure they are gonna be pussing out in some way or other when it comes to fatalities even if they aren't getting rid of them. If that ends up being the case, then Shortpacked! has already gotten that covered.

What makes Mortal Kombat Mortal Kombat is magical moves

What, you mean like four low kicks as a freaking combo? Actually that was pretty awesome, if for no other reason the sheer balls of including that. Man, I wish my N64 wasn't fucked up, 'cause I'd love to bust out some Trilogy right now.

More or less just for ETP's sake I'm going to reference this post, which sweet fucking Christ is nearly four years old. Looking back I think the most amusing thing in there is that, DOA games aside, I never got a single fucking one of those games mentioned.

Yup, all I do is blog about webcomics here. Another new one: A Softer World. Sometimes weird, sometimes sad, sometimes thoughtful, oftentimes funny. They're really not a fan of boundaries, either. Be sure to mouse over each comic to get that little pop-up text; half the time the best joke is in that text. A sampling:

Horticulture
Beauty
Art
Having fun
Asking for it
Super powers
Dares
Onion-esque picture choices
Boobs
Mr. Z
Positive thinking
Making your mark
Pacifism
Smooth operator
Religion

And my favorite:
Celebration

Cracked list: 9 Devices That Are Clearly Compensating for a Small Penis.

That led me to another list, Liberal Guilt Justified: 6 Creepy Mail Order Bride Websites.

That further led me to spend too much time perusing ads on Anastasia-International.com. I refuse to believe that that many good-looking girls are having that much trouble finding a guy or getting out of their country or whatever. But maybe. Either way the whole mail-order-bride thing isn't off the table.

I at least need to mention that the site is based in Bangor, Maine.

Another reason I'm not buying into that site, even if it's as reputable as they're likely to get (which isn't saying much), is 'cause it seemed like there were about five different names that all of them had. Natalia, Anastasia, Irina, Elena, Ekaterina... All really lovely names but surely girls are given a wider variety of names over there. Like usual I'm probably exaggerating but it seemed that way at one point.

Another name that popped up a lot was Olga, a name I've never been a fan of. Then I saw an Olga who was really cute but as I'm looking at her profile "Olie the Goalie" popped into my head and it was over.

My life is sad. I've made a serious effort to stay away from chat rooms for a whole week now. Every night or other time I'm alone I'm like "what the fuck am I gonna do?" Luckily there is the rest of the internet and usually you can find something pointless to kill inordinate amounts of time.

I killed most of yesterday reading mental_floss. If you read that site regularly you will become awesome at Trivial Pursuit. If you are already awesome at Trivial Pursuit you will become awesomer.

One tangent I got off on for quite awhile was thanks to this article on a Library of Congress collection of color photos from the late 30s and early 40s. You can find all 1600 or so of them here.

Today I have sucked up a bunch of time plowing through the archives of The Book of Biff. I've linked this comic before but it's worth doing again.

So one new trend that infuriates me is Twitter, where you post short little blurbs about what you are doing at the moment for others to follow. The only solid use I can see for this is people who are so fucking self important that they think that others actually give a flying fuck as to what they're doing at any point in time.

I think the first place I saw Twitter used was over at Megatokyo. He started using Twitter and a log of his most recent completed updates whereas he used to have a progress indicator that gave an ETA for when the next comic would be finished. Funny how that was useful and Twitter isn't.

Only an asshole would use Twitter. So in case it's not obvious, I'm using Twitter now.

So has anyone been following this, AKA the most fucked up story ever? If you put together a list of worst human beings ever that guy has gotta figure pretty prominently, and I think that holds even if you include guys like Hitler and Stalin. And how 'bout that wife of his? If she really had no clue for nearly two and a half freaking decades then she's up there with the stupidest people ever.

Here is one of those articles where I really just don't have to say anything about how utterly fucking ridiculous it is. For the hell of it though I will reference an earlier rant which I just re-read and found pretty funny.

Thanks to the A.V. Club's Tolerability Index I've discovered yet another affront to all mankind: Miss Bimbo, virtual fashion game! The game is apparently targeted at girls ages 9-16.

Yes, I will be doing my best not to make the usual jokes I tend to make, and I'd appreciate it if you'd pretend I'm someone else for the remainder of this post.

So anyway, here's Wikipedia's rundown of the game:

The aim of the Miss Bimbo beauty contest game, which was launched in the United Kingdom in February 2008, is to make your virtual "bimbo" attractive and famous. Players create a virtual person and compete against other players to earn "bimbo" dollars. These dollars are used to take one's character partying or to purchase new clothes. The players are given assignments, such as gaining plastic surgery at the game's clinic to give their character bigger breasts. They used to have to keep their character at its target weight using diet pills, however, due to the massive negative media attention it has received, that option has been eliminated.

Boob jobs and diet pills in a game for kids. That's pretty solid. Here is an article that sheds some more light on the game:

Level 7
After you broke up with your boyfriend you went on an eating binge! Now it’s time to diet . . . Your target weight is less than 132lbs

Level 9
Have a nip and tuck operation for a brand new face. You’ve found work as a plus-size model. To gain those vivacious curves, you need to weigh more than 154lbs

Level 10
Summertime is coming up and bikini weather is upon us. You want to turn heads on the beach don’t you?

Level 11
Bigger is better! Have a breast operation

Level 17
There is a billionaire on vacation . . . You must catch his eye and his love! Good luck

I guess the fact that one of the goals is to become a plus-sized model adds some balance. Maybe? I don't fucking know.

Look, I try to take a middle ground when it comes to stuff like this. I'm obviously not one of those people who does things like always yell "think of the children" and feel that an exposed breast will scar kids for life. On the other hand, I'm not like all those Slasholes who sarcastically tag every article about online child safety with "thinkofthechildren" and who don't realize there are real dangers out there.

With rubbish like this, of course, many of us are like "Hey, where are the parents?" Fair enough; parents need to have their shit together and try to instill healthy attitudes in their kids. But of course even some of the ones who really do put forth serious effort are going to have difficulties with all of the crap that's out there. I'm not saying that things like this are solely responsible for problems like eating disorders, but they sure as hell don't help.

With all of the garbage that girls and women are bombarded with every day I am continually amazed that any of them turn out to be functional at all. Us guys complain about how women are fucking nuts but sometimes can you really blame them? Not to give all you ladies carte blanche here but honestly us guys really just can't understand because we aren't faced with shit like this from the age of nine (if not earlier).

More from that article linked above:

Its introduction came as research showed that children as young as 6 were developing acute eating disorders such as anorexia and bulimia. Yesterday it emerged that increasing numbers of teenagers were undergoing breast enlargement surgery.

Is this shit actually happening? Of course I'm speaking rhetorically. I mean the notion of girls getting implants isn't news, although it is fucking appalling. Granted, my views on this subject are apparently not in line with Miss Bimbo. Or a lot of others for that matter. And the notion of six-year-olds with eating disorders is not exactly surprising but just sad and depressing. Exactly how fucked up are we that this is where we're at?

Leveraging a line from Chris Rock, in conclusion to the girls and women out there: I'm not saying you should be as crazy as you are, but I understand.

So, is this gonna become a new trend (if it isn't already; I live under a rock)? I hope not. Us guys all love to see girls fighting but that's not what we're talking about.

I guess it shouldn't really be a surprise to see this kind of stuff, though. While we expect this kind of cretinism out of guys we all know that girls are the truly vicious ones. Combine the internet plus the stupidity of youth plus the fact that all girls and women hate each other and here's the end result.

Never fully understood why all women hate one other, I just know it's true. At some point or other if you know a girl she will inevitably say this: "I have more guy friends than girl friends." Now of course that isn't necessarily indicative of hatred but I think it's a clue. Is it some sort of competition thing? Really though in the end what is there to compete for? Guys? I suppose that makes some evolutionary sense but trust me ladies we're not worth it. And don't worry I'm not forgetting lesbians; they're obviously a different case since they are wired differently, ERRR, have made alternative lifestyle choices (speaking of cretinism...).

Hey, you know, that actually brings me to a decent conclusion to this post. For myriad reasons I am probably of zero credibility to be giving this advice but I'm going for it anyway. Note to young girls: please stop beating the hell out of schoolmates just to be bitches and post it on the internet. If you want to do something interesting and post it on the 'net to get a bunch of attention, might I suggest lesbianism instead?

So I'm reading this earlier, and I'm like, man, that's messed up. There is just no excuse for people living like that in this day and age. Of course that's just appalling to me, but like any good citizen it's not like I'm gonna do anything about it. Although I'd think now those people might end up being some of the lucky ones -- they got on CNN and there's a decent chance that someone will throw some help their way. There are plenty more people like that out there who will never show up on CNN's front page and will continue to be forgotten. Which fits well with the rest of this post...

Immediately after reading that story, I read this.

"I just thought, 'If I go to another paint-a-ceramic-bowl or stuff-a-bear party, I'll shoot myself,'" says Kaster.

Please do.

Seriously, what the fuck does a three-year-old need with a birthday party and a goddamn fondue restaurant?

"We really promote a healthy balance of living year round"

Somehow I doubt that.

"but it's OK to indulge your child once a year, because it's about making a memory."

You know I could be wrong, but I could swear I learned somewhere that kids don't really start to remember shit until they're like five.

"I didn't think all 16 would come, but they did, and it was $15 a person," she said. Add in the cake, favors, pizza and soda, and Forstrom spent over $1,000.

"After we got the bill I was like, 'Oh my God!' It was more expensive than fixing the dog's broken leg.

I don't know why, but I just find it hilarious that the dog's broken leg is the first thing this woman thinks of when making a price comparison.

This year, Kaster decided to try a slightly simpler approach. For Sophie's party, she booked a small theater that does plays for children, hand-decorated a sheet cake from the supermarket, and got inexpensive favors from a discount store. The whole event cost less than $500."

Okay lady, you got it together and backed off, I guess I'll rescind my suggestion to shoot yourself.

Look, I can understand how parents could easily get out of control with this stuff. If I had kids, and the money, I'd spoil them rotten. I'd do egregiously excessive stuff like this if I had the means. And if I would do it, you know what that means for anyone who actually does? EPIC FAIL.

Okay so apparently this blog has become nothing more than a vehicle to announce to 30 or some odd pedos who show up here via Google each day new webcomics I've discovered. I guess that is a step up from usual topics, though.

Anyway, the new discovery is Treading Ground. There are only like 70 comics or so, and the guy's been doing the comic since like '03, and reading his news posts he's really not into the comic, so no telling when or if updates will show up. Fucking figures.

Speaking of those 30 pedos who show up here via Google each day, WTF is up with my traffic numbers? I punted on this blog in February of last year and started things back up in early November. Take a look at the trend. Hmmm, what exactly is the world telling me? Man fuck this place.

While we're on the subject, I don't suppose one of you 30 pedos knows how to draw, do you? I've had a webcomic idea rolling around in my head for like at least four if not five years but I've never really gone anywhere with it 'cause I'm just too lazy to learn to draw. I've been thinking about it lately and doing a bit of work on it but I'm guessing it will go nowhere. While I can't draw I can write like a mother fuck so I need to find a Gabe to my Tycho. If I could just find someone who can draw cute female characters I'd be set. I would think at least one pedo out there could handle this if they weren't busy handling other shit.

On an upcoming Larry King Live:

On World Autism Day, the controversy over vaccines heats up! Do they contribute to autism, or is there a greater risk going without? Actress and mother of an autistic child, Jenny McCarthy, debates the issue with medical professionals.

Quite possibly the stupidest and most irritating thing I've ever read.

You know, Jenny McCarthy was the first fantasy woman I really had the hots for. Back in the day I spent a lot of time with the October '93 issue of Playboy and Christ only knows how much seed I spilled in vain over her, but that does not qualify her to be debating with, well, anyone.

Then again though all that doctoring shit really is just guesswork in a white coat so maybe it's about even since I'm not beating off to The Journal of the American Medical Association.

For once this has nothing to do with schoolgirls

Man, just when I thought the Japanese couldn't get any weirder.

If you're Eliot Spitzer, this is probably about the last thing you want to get fingered for. I've no qualms with prostitution, and I'm the last one who has any standing to be cirticizing others for being into kinky sex (and by kinky I'm sure it was of course pretty lame), but if you're that guy you just can't fuck up like that. Seriously, that's gotta be, like, the funniest thing ever. This week. Okay, the week is young, we'll say funniest thing this month.

You mean to tell me that this wasn't already illegal?

Several years ago I saw a book on the shelf entitled Brett Favre: Huck Finn Grows Up. For some reason though, perhaps because Brett Favre is a dooshebag, at first glance I read the title as Brett Favre: Fuck Him.

At the time though I had more of a hatred for Favre just because of this kid we knew back in middle and high school who was a huge Packers fan and also a dooshebag. I'm more OK with Favre these days, especially after he nearly saved my fantasy season this past year. Hey wait... Nearly. Nevermind what I just said. Brett Favre. Fucking d-bag.

Also, will someone please tell Brett Favre that there's no crying in football:

Another audio post, ranting about Star Trek (4.3MB).

Blast from the past

All hail the return of audio posts (1.8MB).

3.14159265359

While we're being inappropriate I thought I'd share another little tidbit with you. Don't worry, this one isn't something from some dark corner of my mind. Well mostly.

So I get this catalog of porn movies in the mail the other day, right? Well one of the movies -- or really, a series of movies -- was based on the theme of the "internal cumshot," AKA creampies AKA "the guy ejaculates and he doesn't wear a condom and he doesn't pull out and blow his load somewhere on the girl." Personally I never understood the need for visual ID that the guy did indeed orgasm but that's another discussion. And of course no way I could see why porn actresses wouldn't want guys doing that inside them all day either.

Anyway back to the title of this movie series I mentioned? Internal Cumbustion. That might be the awesomest porn title ever. Or at least that I've seen in awhile. I could say that being a person responsible for coming up with porn movie titles is one of the best jobs possible and you could argue with me but you'd be wrong. Seriously, how awesome would it be for your whole job to be cheap puns and innuendo and get paid for it?

While we're on the subject if you know of any good creampie sites please let me know. I have been unable to find one that defines me as a person. In other words, one with enough decent looking girls to justify signing up. Which maybe shouldn't be too much of a surprise.

So I don't bother with The New York Times anymore ever since they went to a paid subscription for their op-ed page. I know like the paper's totally gone down hill and about to completely tank without my readership but it had to be done. Anyway they dropped that subscription nonsense and went back to all free but I just can't go back to being a regular reader. I just know that if I start reading Maureen Dowd's columns again I'll end up pissed at her like most other liberals out there, and I want to remember how it was between Maureen and I back in the good ol' days.

Anyway I did wander by today and on the front page this question was being asked:

What do you think is an appropriate way for children to learn about AIDS?

By giving it to them. That's... Probably not good when that joke is the first thing that comes to my mind.

I don't think I've ever wanted to kill more than after watching this. I don't know what's more infuriating -- the story itself or that someone deemed it "news." Yes I know it's CNN and they suck and it's my own fault and blah blah blah.

Okay so as usual maybe I'm being unfair and jumping to conclusions that they weren't discriminated against for the reason they claim and instead assuming, I dunno, that they were "discriminated" against for being obnoxious cunts. But let's give them the benefit of the doubt. After all, no one else looked like them on the plane... Except them!

Even if their gripes are legit, that is still the fucking lamest bloody reason to complain about being discriminated against. Get back to me when you face some real discrimination! Other people out there face discrimination too but they usually can't parlay that into free drinks and no cover.

Boo freaking hoo.

The news isn't all bad though: what the fuck is that growing on the brunette's chin?

I'm not certain if this is an endorsement or not

So when I first saw that Nader is in... Again... I was like, dude, what are you doing?

No, not because I blame him for the outcome of the 2000 election. Sure, when you look at the numbers, if Nader hadn't been in the race Gore probably would have won. But I still don't blame Nader. Shit, ultimately I don't even blame those d-bags on the Supreme Court. You know who I do blame for 2000? Gore. Let's look a what Gore had going for him:

1. Pretty smart and pretty well respected
2. A part of the Clinton Administration, which was fairly popular and left the country with eight years of no wars and a healthy economy
3. An opponent who was a complete retard

The 2000 election never should have been close to begin with. Anyone who can fuck up with that set-up doesn't deserve to be president. Unfortunately someone even less deserving won.

So yeah, when I saw Nader getting into the mix I wasn't pissed because of that. My first thoughts were, why are you wasting every one's time with this? You're not helping matters and I don't think you're really making a statement other than "I want to be President." Stop that.

But then I got a load of some of his rhetoric:

In an interview with CNN on Monday, Nader accused Illinois Sen. Barack Obama of name-calling and challenged him to "address the issues."

"Above all, explain why you don't come down hard on the economic crimes against minorities in city ghettos: payday loans, predatory lending, rent-to-own rackets, landlord abuses, lead contamination, asbestos," Nader said.

"There's an unseemly silence by you, Barack -- a community organizer in poor areas in Chicago many years ago -- on this issue," he said.

Oh, hell yeah. FUCK YOU Barack Obama! And I quote Nicholas Cage from The Rock: How do you like how that shit works?

Nader called Sen. Hillary Clinton the Democrat "most loved by big business," referencing a Fortune magazine article from last year.

Suck on that bitch! Ralph Nader is here now and he isn't taking any of your shit.

"The Democrats ought to look themselves in the mirror and ask themselves why they have not been able to landslide the worst Republican Party and the White House and Congress over the last 20 years," he said.

Yes. I agree with that statement. Democrats: stop your fucking whining. It is not Nader's fault that you are unable to get your shit together. Ralph Nader and I don't want to keep hearing this garbage from you.

Ralph Nader just got on the scene and he's already firing on all cylinders. Look out, 'cause the man is unsafe at any speed!