This is fucking stupid. Phony outrage, indeed.

Not that I give a fuck about what celebrities have to say about politics, but now we know one thing: Sarah Palin will not be fucking Matt Damon.

As usual, only The Onion can come up with stuff like this.

In case if you'd forgotten, when I'm not linking image macro sites, I'm linking webcomics. I just discovered another great one at Comic Blashpemy Dot Com. This guy has absolutely no taboos whatsoever, and it is awesome.

Seems like I should have seen this by now, but either way, I found it to be pretty amusing.

Here we go -- that's the dumbass I was talking about.

Final Fantasy Football

Son of a fuck. You know how I feel about the Pats, so it must be something pretty serious if I'm pissed about an epic fail for them.

Well, how about my fantasy football season being blown up, for starters? Wait -- you probably figured that from the title of this post. No, the post has nothing to do with the videogame, unless Square-Enix has something up their sleeves that I'm unwittingly prognosticating. I just got that phrase in my head one day and it stuck.

But yeah, I'm fucked now. My draft strategy? Draft Tom Brady. After having Steven Jackson (one of the highest rated players at draft time) last season and Ronnie Brown (was leading the league in rushing several weeks in) after Jackson got injured, I was like, fuck the stud running back theory for fantasy football. I'm gonna go with a solid quarterback for my first pick and watch as everyone else sees their star running backs either disappoint or go down in injury later on in the year. I was kinda nervous about that foot of Brady's for awhile. Aside from it potentially being a lingering issue from the end of last season, as a foot fetishist I'm not pleased at having to be overly concerned about another dude's foot. I figured it would be fine; the guy's a veteran and he's a fucking horse. He's not gonna be setting records like last year, but he'll be fine.

So what happens? Before I even fucking got out of bed today, my season was pretty much hosed. The guy's started 128 straight games, but he had to pick today to (probably) shred his ACL and miss the rest of the season. Well, I was right about one thing -- the foot wasn't a big deal after all.

But, what did I expect to happen? Well, this, actually. Even during the draft I was already pessimistic. I even got called out for being such a whiny douche, by a potential dreamgirl nonetheless. So afterward, I had a bit of an epiphany. I was like, yeah, I do complain way too fucking much. Is it any wonder no one likes me? Stop that. Of course, I've had this epiphany before in my life, and then...

And then it turns out I was fucking right. I love how people have the gall to ask why I'm so pessimistic realistic about shit. I mean c'mon. This is all just learned behavior; it's not my fault, it's Pavlov's fault. There is no danger of me becoming a "happy person" anytime soon (happy people don't say "fuck" just so you know... long story).

I know what some of you are saying. "Well, that's what you get." Karma or some shit. Whatever. Either that is A) dumb or B) if I can actually influence peoples' lives just with my shitty attitude then I am clearly in the wrong line of work.

So, fantasy football gets me waxing existential. How sad is that?

Anyway, it's not all that bad. I'm having fun with it; I already changed my team logo picture to be a shot of Brady on the turf clutching his knee. And it is fucking fantasy football after all, which for many years I referred to aficionados of as quote losers. So yes, it's highly hypocritical flexible of me to be playing fantasy football, for the second straight year no less, but who cares. It's entertaining when you're in it with friends and co-workers; it's one more thing to BS about and talk shit about. And as long as I'm not one of those guys who spends all of Saturday setting my lineup (definite losers) then it's not all bad. But what am I gonna do if I can't impress Dreamgirl (hereafter referred to as Unlimited Candy Shopping Spree for reasons known only to me) with my fantasy football skills? Good thing I have so many others to fall back on.

"Once again Negative Z is kicking the hell out of Positive Z as the arguments rage."
- Line from Dr. Z, SI columnist and one of the most entertaining out there, in one of his NFL Power Rankings columns from last season

So I got a bit nostalgic tonight and went out hunting pictures of Mile High Stadium. The real Mile High; the only Mile High. I ended up coming across this thread, which has a ton of pictures chronicling the stadium's demise once Invesco Field was up and running. Interesting, yet very depressing too.

I've only been to Invesco once, and it's definitely not the same. Yeah, yeah, get off my lawn, nothing's ever gonna be good again, blah blah blah. Of course, it didn't help matters that my only trip to Invesco was for a preseason game against the Colts, but even still, you could tell the vibe there just wasn't the same.

I remember after Invesco first opened I insisted on calling it Mile High for awhile, but it wasn't long before I was catching myself between the "Mile" and the "High" before correcting myself to say "Invesco." I didn't want Mile High to be gone, but I finally accepted that it was.

My grandpa had Broncos season tickets for a couple years when I was in middle school. This was back during the two Wade Phillips years and we went 8-8 both years (winning all home games).

Okay, apparently my memory is apparently all fucked up 'cause Phillips was coach in '93 and '94 and I was in high school then. To combat this problem I just went and did something I rarely do: research. I went into my archives (the basement) and managed to dig up a ticket stub from 1991 and a bunch of game programs, so that was the first year. 1992 had to be the second year because I know that I was at this game, described here as such:

October 4, 1992
-- Elway throws 2 TD passes in the last 1:55, the last a 12-yarder to Vance Johnson, to come back from a 19-6 deficit and beat the Chiefs 20-19.

I still remember when Elway lofted that final TD pass -- as it went up the whole stadium simultaneously rose to its feet and then went completely nuts after they scored. Along with seeing the Rockies clinch the pennant last year it was the awesomest sports events I ever got to witness live.

Even if my years and coaches and records are kinda fuzzy there is definitely some other shit that I remember. I remember exactly where our seats were those two seasons:


According to the ticket stub I found that was section 333, row 5. It was right along the division between the east stands (the entire section which could be moved back to expand the stadium to accommodate a baseball field) and the rest of the horseshoe.

I remember a game where this obnoxious fat lady kept pounding on the wall along the division. By the end of the game I was so stoked with how well the game was going I had gone full retard and was doing the same.

I remember after one game as we were all filing out of the stadium a guy was holding up one of the best, and simplest, signs I ever saw someone holding at a game: "FUCK KC."

I can even remember my first game, which was ironically (by which of course I mean coincidentally) a preseason game against Indy. It was raining like crazy in Denver that day. It was cold, it was wet, and it was a mere preseason game, but it was my first pro football game, and it was awesome. It was always awesome on those Sundays. Going to those games with my grandpa were some of the best times I ever had.

So both circlejerks are mercifully over. I saw half of Obama's speech after the fact, and it failed to get me hard enough to go watch the rest. I saw all of McCain's speech, and meh. Overall, both candidates failed to inspire me. Rudy inspired me to long for the days when I thought he could be awesome. Biden inspired encouraged me to continue liking Biden. Palin inspired me to want to have hot, sweaty, angry, and -- oh yes -- bipartisan sex with her.

Continuing with the uninspiration, lightning round time:

• That video they played before McCain came out and gave his speech. I didn't see all of it, but, Jesus. Melodramatic much? We get it, McCain has a pretty interesting story.
• I loved how when someone tried to cause some shit during McCain's speech the crowd's response was to start chanting "U-S-A! U-S-A!" and McCain dismissed it as "static." Dissenting opinion, meet thoughful and mature response.
• Of course, the crowd had to chant "U-S-A!" multiple times to remind everyone that the Republicans have a monopoly on patriotism.
• Note to McCain: LOSE THAT CREEPY FUCKING SMILE. Seriously, anytime you are trying to make a point, DON'T PUNCTUATE IT LIKE THAT.
• McCain's spiel on education. All I could think was, oh great, here we go with this voucher shit again. Quick quiz: how do you improve public education? By destroying it, of course!
• I loved the asshole in the audience who had a sign that read "The Mavrick." Guess he didn't get to go to no fancy private school, huh?
• In addition to the "U-S-A!" chants, I think the second most common refrain from the audience these past two nights was "Drill baby drill." Oh my fucking god, you people are losers. You need Viagra to get hard for this shit?
• I just love how McCain still kisses ass with Bush. I understand that's just decorum talking, but c'mon. Some maverick you are. How's that illegitimate black daughter working out for you? Okay, okay, that wasn't Bush talking, it was Karl Rove. But still.
• My response to a lot of McCain's bullet points: How?
• Many old and tired themes reared their heads tonight, and one of them was the notion of "legislating from the bench." I'm tired of this shit. If they do something you agree with, awesome. If they do something you disagree with, then they're activist judges legislating from the bench. Fuck you very much.

I think that's a good stopping point.

So I guess I'm motivated to talk politics again. Shit.

Since we're at it, I'm more than a little sick and tired of this rubbish. Look, I have no problems with Lieberman supporting McCain. I hate the notion of party above all else and I applaud people speaking out for what they think is the right thing, even if they're wrong. There's always something to be said for honesty. So be consistent, Lieberman, and if you're gonna be a Republican, call yourself one.

Lieberman is a douche. Yeah, just about everything I say and do goes against most of the Democratic party, but look at me everyone, I'm a Democrat! Well, sure, as long as caucusing with them gets you a prestigious committee chairmanship. Fuck you, Joe.

"The Democratic Caucus will reassess the situation with Sen. Lieberman after the election," Jim Manley, a spokesman for Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, said Wednesday.

In other words, if we don't need him anymore, we'll kick his ass to the curb. Lieberman is using the Democratic party for his own self-aggrandizement, but of course they're just using him for theirs. As per usual here, I'm not saying anything ground breaking, but I needed to vent because I'm sick of this crap too. It's OK, though -- either Mavericks, Inc. or Hope on a Rope will save us come January.

Here's the Republicans' impersonation of Obama:

"Hi, I've done nothing."

I really wish I could argue with them, but when even a former mayor of a town no one's ever heard of and Governor of a state no one cares about is on pretty solid ground to shit all over Obama's resume, that's not good. I know, I know; I said recently that I don't know if all this "experience" FUD (fear, uncertainty, doubt) is the end-all, be-all in this election, but after having it laid out like that... Damn.

I'd say Palin gave a good effort; a solid stand-up double. Way too much "getting to know you" info before she got into the meat of her speech, though. Well, we did get a better view of her daughters, so that was a plus. The little one -- cute. The knocked up one -- meh. And the other one? Yeah, I'd hit that. She's no Jenna Bush, but I certainly wouldn't kick her out of bed for eating crackers under the covers (but I would make her clean the sheets the next day).

If you'll permit me a quick aside on this whole pregnancy ordeal... How about that boyfriend of hers? Imagine what it must be like to be a young kid and get your girlfriend pregnant, and then have to go through it on that stage. Best of luck, chief.

Nothing has been more hilarious -- and by hilarious I mean fucking irritating as all hell -- than all of the Republicans and other McCain backers who are expressing their support for the young, unwed mother. Can you imagine what a field day they'd be having if Obama or Biden had a teenage daughter who got pregnant? They'd have a fucking "save it for marriage" and "family values" bukkake!

Personally, I could give a shit. But even that would be too much. Her being pregnant has no bearing on anything that matters to the rest of us; this kinda stuff happens all the fucking time. While I don't think it necessarily reflects on her parenting skills, I do have to wonder if Palin was preaching abstinence-only at home since she supports that when it comes to sex ed for everyone else's kids. Wait, I think I just questioned her parenting skills. Anyway, if she has been abstinence-only at home, well, we know how that shit turned out. Maybe if Bristol and the boyfriend had had notions like profos and other contraceptives drilled into their heads (drilled? Hey-YOOOO!) things would have turned out differently. Or maybe not, 'cause kids are gonna be kids, kids are gonna fuck, and sometimes they end up having more miserable kids for the rest of us to deal with.

Speaking of drilling, here's a little flashback from when Jenna became legal.

Anyway, back to the circlejerk recap. Palin's playing the attack-dog and cheerleader role very well (I probably shouldn't have said "cheerleader", but if you prefer...). She certainly doesn't seem like a deer caught in the headlights, and she's at least as qualified as Obama to be in charge of anything.

Rudy's speech tonight, though -- I thought he knocked it out of the park. Yeah, a lot of his speech was obnoxious rah-rah bullshit and mindless pandering (par for the course for anyone, at either circlejerk), and he mostly resonated with people who already agree with him (of course, I used to really like Rudy, or at least I really wanted to). Even if a lot of his speech was pure bollocks there were some lines that I thought were pretty good, like the one about how the Presidency isn't for "on-the-job training." My favorite line, though:

"Change is not a destination, and hope is not a strategy."

That was par for the course for the two speeches; the Republicans pretty much just blew the Democrats up tonight. Once again, we saw the difference between how the Democrats go about their business and the Republicans theirs:

The Democrats: "John McCain is a true American Hero."
The Republicans: "Fuck you, you're losers."

This doesn't mean that they're right about everything, but Jesus, at least they stand up for themselves and aren't ever afraid to go after their opponent. Sure, it does help that the Democrats went first and now the Republicans get a four-day rebuttal, but tell me the Republicans wouldn't have pretty much the same posture even if the timing was reversed. Still, I can't get on board with these d-bags, even if they picked a VP nominee who's easy on the eyes (but hard on the brain). So where does that leave me? Supporting the people who are going to vote for one guy just because he's not the other guy? That's not change -- that's more of the same!

Well, there's a decent chance the choice of Palin was brilliant, for non-aesthetic reasons that is. The Republicans can always count on one thing being certain: that the Democrats will be pussies.

Obama's campaign has begun airing its first ad that includes Palin, but it never criticizes her or even mentions her name.

Yup, they're afraid to go after her. Well, it is still early, and they didn't exactly have a ton of time to pull together the first ad going against the full ticket now that it's been decided. Then again:

An Obama spokesman had reacted to the announcement that McCain had picked Palin as his running mate Friday with a statement that called her "the former mayor of a town of 9,000, with zero foreign policy experience."

Obama, who later complimented Palin in a statement, backed away from the criticism. "I think, you know, campaigns start getting these hair triggers," he said. "And the statement that Joe [Biden] and I put out reflects our sentiments."

Yeah, not exactly coming out swinging. Of course, Obama is understandably playing it safe with the whole experience issue, since, well. As that Weekly Standard piece I linked pointed out, Palin's inexperience, while not a help to her, just helps to further magnify Obama's qualifications or lack thereof.

It seems like the Democrats have an open avenue considering that she's supposedly a big ethics reformer but is currently under investigation in her own state. Maybe firing somebody for not firing somebody else that you have a family beef with just isn't that big of a deal, or there's not as much of a story there as there might seem, or the Democrats just don't know what the fuck to do like always.

Huh. So, yeah, that's an interesting choice. McCain has finally answered the big question -- which presidential or vice presidential candidate would heterosexual men most want to have sex with?

But yeah, she's not wholly unpleasant to look at. Dig the glasses. The social Conservatism? Not so much.

Of course, this is America, and we're not about superficialities, nor would we continue to dwell on the fact that the new kid on the block isn't exactly a kid but is still pretty hot.

Traffic also spiked at sites showcasing pictures from 1984, when she wore the crown of Miss Wasilla and competed in the Miss Alaska contest.

Yeah, anyway... So a non-surprise surprise. No one knew who the fuck this woman was 24 hours ago, but now everyone does. On one hand, it's an intriguing move, maybe even a good move. Of course, many conservatives are gonna rhetorically fellate the choice no matter what, even if they're privately saying "Dude WTF?" Some will be genuinely down with it, though; compared to McCain, Palin (and anyone else with a pulse) is a young'un who can inject some life into the campaign while still being fully satisfying to the conservative base. And when I say "fully satisfying" I do mean that they are getting hard-ons over her, but not the fun kind that some of us might. And some of it even involves drilling, but not the kind some of us are pondering.

On top of her right-wing credentials, she potentially helps shore up the women's vote, especially those dumb cunts who can't get over the fact that Hillary lost and were thinking of voting for McCain because of it. Or the fact that they're racists, or both. Either way, cunts.

The combination of choice and timing were definitely brilliant, though. For all it matters now the Democrats may as well have not even had their circlejerk.

But on the other hand... Okay, sure, this is a Clinton guy talking, but he has a point. You could very easily see this as McCain trying to make the case for losing the election at this point. After all, what exactly in the fuck has she done to qualify to basically be the next president, since McCain is bound to die soon? She was mayor of some town no one ever heard about and she's currently mayor of a state that no one cares about. Care to challenge me on that, you whale eating moron? Bring it you Eskimo fuck.

Anyway... As has been pointed out a billion times already, this sounds oddly familiar and as such Democrats have no room to complain about her lack of experience since, hey, Obama's been a senator for, what, fifteen minutes now? I mean, seriously, he's done jack shit too. As always, I am not offering anything new or groundbreaking.

I'm pretty divided on whether or not all this "experience" shit matters. After all, we talk a lot about how we want change in Washington, which we don't, so who better to offer it than someone who hasn't been part of the machine for all these years? Someone who has, instead, been part of some smaller, more meaningless machine? Besides, even if they turn out shitty, it's not like one person can completely fuck the country all on their own.

No, seriously. What, you think Bush did all this shit on his own? The man's a re-re. He likes Jesus and that's about it. It was the obnoxious neocon cabal propping him up that did all this shit. Plus a Republican congress all those years didn't hurt. Is there anything like Wolfowitz and Cheney hiding in the shadows of McCain or Obama? Beats the shit out of me. They're all assholes anyway; we just gotta be more careful than in 2000 since it's a matter of what flavor of asshole and what other d-bags they bring to the party.

Aside from the expected conservative shit and the fuckability, I think we can already tell enough about her just from her family life. Five fucking kids. To borrow a word I heard used earlier, do we really need a Broodmare in Chief? Okay, so that's pretty sexist; why should I use the fact that she has a bunch of kids against her? Okay, how about this? The names of her kids: Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper, and Trig. The bookends are boys, the three in the middle are girls. What the fuck does it say about someone's judgment if those are the names they pick for their kids? Track? Trig? Trig is an infant who was diagnosed in the womb with Down's Syndrome (Palin's apparently a hero for not aborting him); the kid has enough problems without being saddled with that name. And what the fuck kind of name is Bristol for a girl? Any relation to the vicious Chicken of Bristol?

Since I'm in the middle of being a complete asshole (how would one know the difference, anyway?), and I already commented on the attractiveness present in Biden's family (I even think his wife is pretty good-looking if you can believe that, which you can't), here's the Guv with her daughters:


The one on the right... Maybe. Kinda hard to tell from that pic. Looks like she might be hot, but also looks kinda bitchy (which can be hot if you don't have to put up with it personally). I'm not sure how the little one is gonna turn out; I see some pics where she looks cute and others where she just looks kinda weird. And the one on the left? If you squint a little she looks like a very low-rent Hayden Panettiere.

Anyway, back to the real issues. So what does it say about someone's judgment if they choose a running mate with the kind of judgment that leads to those names for their kids? Obama at least had the sense to pick Biden. Of course, Biden has a son who goes by "Beau," and that's kinda weird.

There are so may ways I could go with this, but I'm just going to keep it simple by coming down on the side of "checking into rehab for sex addiction is lame." Sex addiction? Sex addiction. Hey David, did you ever suck dick for oh wait a minute.

You don't need to know why this is awesome, you just need to know that it's awesome

While we're at it, a little tune for fellow Cubbie fans out there.

Yeah, so of course Biden is just Chief Cheerleader for Obama now. But Biden's still good people; the kid's got spunk. And he's got some good-looking girls in his family too. When I go to the polls this November, which I won't, he's got my vote. I'm not sold on Obama at this point (moreso than McCain, though... he's the original maverick if you need him) but I'm still down with Joey.

No matter what, like most if not all people in the party, Biden can't hold a candle to Bill Clinton. I didn't have to go any further to see evidence of this than having to go to three news sites before I could find Biden's full speech while I was able to find Clinton's immediately.

Politically speaking Clinton hasn't done shit for the last eight years and he's still The Man. As expected, the partygoers at the Circlejerk went nuts for him. Now, I'm a well established fan of Clinton's style. The man has an unnatural talent for smoothness that just works. But shit, in the eyes of Democrats the man walks on water and can do no wrong. The guy wasn't quite himself during the campaign, but he was up to form tonight. Can you just imagine what a frenzy it would be if he could run for another four years?

So I just watched Hillary's speech at the Democratic National Circlejerk tonight. Unfortunately for Hillary, throughout the course of her speech she made it quite clear as to why she lost the nomination -- she's a fucking robot. You know, we've come a long way in this country. We've come to the point where we'll talk about electing a black man president. Half black. Anyway, we've come a long way, but we just haven't come far enough to elect a robot president. Sorry, HRC-9000.

The most important part of her speech, well, maybe the only important part of her speech (from a D standpoint, at least) was when she asked "Were you in this for me, or were you in this for blah blah blah" (insert stories of people she probably made up). That should have been her whole speech: "I lost. Get over it, fuckers. Support this guy or you're dumb." Can you believe all these d-bags who won't let it go? 'Course you can. But really, that's just sad. Either you can't deal with the fact that your chosen one lost, and/or you're a racist.

Another thing I'm already tired of: people getting weepy or even just misty-eyed while someone is speaking. If this is the kind of shit that touches you, if this is the kind of shit that stirs emotion in you, you're a loser.

Then there was the religious pandering... Jesus. And what was with those Asians giving the closing benediction? Supposedly they were from Aurora. There are no Asians in A-Town, you retards! What the fuck is with a closing benediction, anyway? Lame.

I will give Hillary credit for one thing, though, and that's the fact that she was able to keep her shit together and not like start breathing fire and eating people alive. How pissed do you think she must be? Looking forward eight months ago this week in Denver was supposed to be her coronation, and here she's stuck playing third fiddle, since aside from Obama you know Bill will steal the entire show when he speaks tomorrow. I guess it could be worse; if she had gotten the nomination then she'd be stuck getting upstaged by Bill at her own convention.

Speaking of Bubba, I'm not really planning to tune into much more of the Democratic strokefest, but I would like to see his speech just because it will be pretty hilarious to see people going nuts over him. And while Clinton's lost a few steps these past few years I'm guessing he still knows how to please. Speaking of which, I'll bet he's trolling the streets of Denver right now picking up tail.

I'm also hoping to catch Biden's speech as well. Personally I thought Bill Richardson was the most solid guy for Obama to pick, but Biden's a pretty good choice too. I could swear there was some kind of deal-breaker that soured me on Biden at one point but hell if I can remember what it was, and anytime I listen to the guy I'm pretty much on board with him. Finally, anyone who will call "bullshit" by actually using the word "bullshit" without apology is definitely garnering some points in my book.

Okay, so we all know my feelings on Crocs. That being rehashed, this is awesome.

Yes, that is what that poem is about.

So the debate (which probably isn't even much of a debate) over the ages of the Chinese gymnasts will rage for a bit. Doesn't matter, though, since yeah, probably nothing will or even can be done, despite the evidence out there.

tl; dr

Yay, so I just spent like an hour-and-a-half on this post which no one will read. Couldn't I have just posted another one of those image macro sites? At least those are funny. But this post did help point out to me that I apparently really like the word "just." Almost as much as I like to start sentences with "but" and "and" even though I know it's grammatically incorrect but I do it anyway 'cause that's how I talk and I write like I talk and that's how I roll. And I like using "just" almost as much as I like over-using commas, many of which I end up going back and editing out of posts, like these last two.

Self-important bitching aside, as expected, the majority of my Olympic watching so far has been gymnastics. I watched a tiny bit of fencing, rowing, and volleyball. Oh, and some swimming, but not really 'cause I wanted to. Some Many Fuck I did not realize I had this many "random" thoughts:

• Fencing. WTF? How the hell is anyone supposed to figure out who scored without just waiting to see one person's score increase? Here's how most rounds in fencing go, at least as far as the women are concerned, all in the course of about a second and a half: go signal, a couple swipes from each side, a horrifying scream or two, round over.
• Olympic and world records: fucking meaningless. Especially in the pool. Every fucking event a record is broken. Tonight, over the course of a two-part semi, one guy lost the world record to a guy swimming in the first half and took it back in the second. Gorram meaningless. Each and every one of us could hop in the pool at the Olympics and come out with at least one record, which would be shattered immediately thereafter.
• Seriously, speaking of swimming, I am just sick of it. Why even bother with Michael Phelps' events? He's gonna win. Okay, okay, that first relay was pretty cool and not exactly a gimme. But the rest? C'mon. Like tonight, with the 4x200m relay where the Americans just crushed everyone else? Stop fucking wasting time and get back to gymnastics, you assholes.
• I like all of the attention paid to the French team saying they were going to crush the Americans in that 4x200... Is there anything less threatening than French shit-talking? Check my record; I'm not even one of those spouting-off-at-the-mouth "cheese eating surrender monkeys" morons, but guys, shut it down before, well, that ends up happening.
• Interviewers: after every single fucking race, quit asking the athlete "What happened out there?" There are only two answers necessary in the athlete's repertoire. Winner's answer: "I was faster than everyone else." Loser's answer: "I wasn't fast enough." Obviously make the necessary changes for a relay event.
• Speaking of relays, I love how the first relay that Phelps was involved in, the black guy was all but ignored when it came to camera action and interview time.
• Also in the relays, I just love how they (commentators, interviewers) talk a bunch of shit about how it's all about team and teamwork and blah blah... But all they care about is Phelps's march to the record.
• I don't really care if Phelps gets the record or not; the guy is obviously just stupid good either way. I was reading earlier today how his daily diet is 8,000-10,000 calories, a lot of it crap that would kill most of the rest of us if consumed in mass quantities. All that and he doesn't have an ounce of fat on him. I almost wish he'd just get a damn silver or something finally just so that they would quit talking about the record and move on to their next abomination.
• The human interest stories, stories about pandas, etc.: also cutting into gymnastics time. Knock it off (yeah, I know, gonna happen real soon now...).

Okay, I'm gonna need a separate section just to focus on gymnastics here.

• First off, how can anyone talk about "women's" gymnastics with a straight face? So many of them are kids, and most looking younger than they really are. At best I can call it girl's gymnastics, but women's? Nuh-uh. I am more of a woman than a lot of those girls ever will be and that's messed up.
• Probably the oldest competitor in girl's gymnastics is one on the German team who is in her fifth Olympics, meaning she's at least 16 years old. Yes, that would mean at age zero she was competing in her first Games. You don't think it's possible? Have you seen Shawn Johnson on the beam? You can't tell me it's totally implausible that when she was born she was spit out right onto the beam. "Get to work, kid." Or really, she could have been born on any apparatus with how ridiculously good she is. I've taken to calling her "Mr. Automatic." Not really flattering, especially for a 16-year-old girl, but it fits. Oh, and now that I'm talking about this, the thought of a baby doing a routine on the uneven bars is a pretty hilarious image, and I'm picturing the baby doing an awesome job in case you're keeping score at home.
• Back to the one who's in her fifth Olympics... She's actually 33. The only bona-fide woman in "women's" gymnastics. She's competing in the vault finals if you need her. And I guarantee you that every other girl on her team calls her "mom." Plus, in real life, she actually is a mom.
• If they weren't wasting time with some of the events we can just take for granted or the stupid stories just to justify the existence of many of their producers they would have time to show at least a couple other countries' events in gymnastics. Aside from the American girls and the Chinese children, I think I saw maybe one or two Russians perform on an apparatus and a single Romanian in the finals.
• Since I brought it up, yeah, we've gotta talk about the Chinese girls. There is no way some of them are 16 or even going to be 16 sometime this year (as the rules go, and we know the Olympics are real big on following rules). One of them is easily 11 or 12 at best, maybe 13. You know which one I'm talking about. I know that there are a couple of "yeah buts." Yeah, but they're gymnasts -- gymnasts are always tiny and look way younger than they really are. Yeah, but they're Asian gymnasts, too -- Asian girls and women always look way younger than their real age. Still, I gotta call bullshit like everyone else. Keep in mind that I know what I'm talking about; thanks to the Japanese I've seen plenty of young Asian girls in the past few years so if anyone can figure it out it's me.
• And even though there was that one girl who looked extremely young(er), I didn't really appreciate the announcers continually referring to her as things like "the little one." There's lots of "little ones" out there; Shawn Johnson is 4'8" if you need her. Granted, a lot of the girls out there don't look like they just finished preschool, but the kid has a name for fuck's sake. Pretend you're professionals and use it.
• Just so you don't think I'm only focusing on the girls, I did watch as much of the men's finals as I could last night. Those guys are simply fucking amazing. On top of being completely mind-blowingly ripped, the shit that they accomplish with their strength... Damn.
• After one Japanese guy had a pretty lousy routine, the cameras caught him laughing and smiling a few minutes later. One of the announcers said something like "I never like to see that at the Olympics. Not after you've just had a routine like that." Look, I know it's the Olympics, and it's a big deal. I know it's the pinnacle of many of the sports that are represented at the Games. Furthermore, I'm not, and never will be, a former Olympian like some of these burnout announcers. But Jesus, it's fucking sports. It's not life and death. It's not like losing means you lose the cure for cancer. Oh, and god forbid any of them should have any fun out there, especially considering that for most it's a once-in-a-lifetime thing, maybe twice or more if you're double-plus good. If they do shitty and want to laugh it off, let them, and shut the fuck up bitter former Olympian.
• One more thing that I find really obnoxious: when girls are doing their uneven bars routine, why the fuck is there so often a coach standing there right by the bars watching her? Isn't that distracting to her? Like I always see Nastia Liukin's dad doing this. Dude, I know, you won a gold medal in gymnastics. Are you gonna do the routine along with her? Then sit the fuck down. The kid's got enough pressure as it is. Watch the film later or something.
• Bela Karolyi: awesome. He is just fun to watch. I think my favorite thing about him is how sometimes Costas will ask him a question and he'll just ignore it because he's got something else he wants to say. You could also tell by his body language and tone of voice just how bummed he was that the American girls didn't win tonight. There was one point where he was away from the desk and Costas pointed out that Karolyi would be back momentarily and you just know Karolyi was off camera hitting the sauce. And I love how he got in one last line about the Chinese girls and how "It's too bad they're all underage."
• I am pretty sure that with some of the maneuvers that those gymnasts perform they are actually turning themselves inside out (watch Johnson's beam routine for an example that just astounds me every single time where some does some kinda backflip upside-down somersault or some shit).
• Before I get into my last section, one more thing: why are artistic gymnastics over with so early? I mean like the girl's team all-around finals is one of the marquee events if not the marquee event... Why is it in the first week? You don't see the free skate in the first week during winter. Come to think of it I don't know why I would want to wait another week, but it just seems dumb from a scheduling perspective to me.

Alright, so to close out a post that got way longer than I thought it would, we gotta talk about the girl's finals tonight. You know I don't really take it hard like, say, Sasha getting silver since I don't have quite the same level of personal interest, but I was still hoping to see our girls do good. And they did do good; yeah no one wants silver when gold is in your grasp but Jesus. Obviously I don't know shit about gymnastics but I think the notion that our girls all but "personally handed" the Chinese the gold medal is crap. Those lil' Chinese kids were just better tonight. Or today. Or tomorrow. Or whatever the fuck. Either way, if you take away the major mistakes by the American girls I don't think that alone makes up the margin that China won by.

Anyway, more than anything I just feel bad for our girls. Of course, I pretty much feel bad for anyone who doesn't get gold in just about any event. I mean, unless they're some kind of prick or something; then it's just funny. But these people go out there and do shit that virtually no one else could do no matter how hard any of us tried, and somehow they come away feeling like losers for coming in second or whatever? That's fucked up. It's worse with gymnastics, though, where one simple mistake gets amplified beyond belief. Pretty much like skating, actually. I don't know why I have to latch on to the hardest to watch, most excruciating events at each Olympics. Ones that always end with young girls crying nonetheless.

Understandably, I feel worst for Alicia Sacramone. I can't really figure out why but I think she's my favorite on the team (and it's not even completely creepy for me -- for a change -- since she's 20). Relax, we're definitely not talking Sasha level here, but this is as close as it gets for these Games. It's the same as any other Summer Olympics though; I don't have the same zeal for them as the Sasha Olympics (not that you could tell from this post), but going back probably a couple decades (fuck... I'm old) every time the Summer Games are around I always latch on to one girl and she's always a gymnast. Well, who the fuck else am I gonna latch on to? A basketball player? Volleyball player? Please. They are mostly so tall as to be completely useless to me.

But yeah, this year, it looks like Alicia is the lucky one. I like how, with the understandable exception of post-beam tonight, she always looks like she's having fun out there. Obviously it does not hurt matters that she's a good-looking girl with a gymnast's body. Plus she has a cool name. And you gotta like the balls play of trying to do that mount for your beam routine. Yeah, the judges aren't gonna like it when it goes awry, but I still think that oughta count for something, especially when no one else tries it (or at least, as far as I know, since I got to see all of six beam routines). Sure, it's the Olympics and if you're gonna do it you gotta hit it, but still. At my Olympics things will be different. Anyway if anyone knew about this blog which they don't, I'm sure it would be an awesome consolation to Alicia to know that Random Asshole Blogger has got her back.

Sorry, Alicia. I know you'll pretty much blame yourself for quite some time, which is understandable but still sucks, but win or lose it was a team effort out there. And didn't you know that "team" is all about Michael Phelps's pursuit of eight gold medals in a single Olympics?

Only the cutest little girls allowed in the public eye; that's how the Politburo rolls.

Seriously, even with their track record, this could be the one of the more assholish things that China has done. What's sad is the real singer is cute too. Sure, not as cute as the other one, but c'mon, have a heart you red bastards.

Somehow there's gotta be a lawsuit in this. Probably against me.

GraphJam. Just go check it out. You know, I wouldn't have to keep linking these sites if you weren't a lazy douche and you'd just go click on all the affiliated sites at ICHC. Anyway, GraphJam has a lot of dull ones, but some are pretty funny. I think this is my favorite so far:

Genius sex offender of the week. If we set aside the whole "trying to have sex with 14-year-olds" thing (hey we all know I can understand wanting to do it; just don't do it), really, wearing a WWF "world's greatest dad" t-shirt is grounds enough for incarceration. And when I first read that story last night I thought the law was on my side, because the first sentence of that article originally read as follows:

A Michigan man has pleaded guilty to sex abuse after being accused of wearing a "World's Greatest Dad" shirt to meet for sex with someone he thought was a 14-year-old-girl.

Parse that sentence carefully. It's like wearing the t-shirt was an aggravating factor; you know, like something they'd say out loud at his arraignment when the charges were listed. OK, so the fact that it's WWF merchandise wasn't specifically mentioned, but you know it's there in spirit.

Well, here's another one: Totally Looks Like... A sampling:


Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force totally looks like Khalid Shaikh Mohammed



Flava Flav, rapper and reality television star totally looks like Stripe from Gremlins



Senator Fred Thompson totally looks like Vigo the Carpathian from Ghostbusters 2


And the most awesome one I've found yet:


Reporter Clark Kent totally looks like Superman