Since figure skating is the topic du jour of the week (yes, I know what du jour means), the related moronic searches roll forward. Another sampling of nonsense that brought people here via Google and Yahoo:

Sasha Cohen Fakes

I get this one a fair amount, and I just cannot understand it. Well, I mean, I can, but I don't want to. I'm guessing these people are looking for fake nude pictures of Sasha. But why? What value is there in seeing someone naked, only not? I know guys are fucking dumb, but aside from religion, this really takes it in the self-deception department. What good can come of faked images of someone you want to see naked but never will? Anyone remember when I gave the world Yuna naked? We all know how well that turned out.

girl is getting her pussy fucked while skating on the ice

Much like Carlin's idea for Rollerfucking, this idea should be made into a sport. It'd be a hell of a lot better than that ridiculous ice dancing shit, which is, again, pairs without all the hard stuff. Fucking on ice would be made even more entertaining when there was some kind of a fall and they guy gets his dick chopped off with the blade of a skate. Would that be a mandatory deduction under the new scoring system? I actually think it should get extra points for degree of difficulty.

who's prettier, sasha cohen or michelle kwan?

Okay, we all know where I come out on this one. Michelle Kwan is pumpable, but she's not Sasha, and neither is anyone else. But I really can't fathom why you're trying to have Google answer a question that's totally subjective. I mean, well, it's not subjective, but that's because I have the best taste in everything (even when making jokes in poor taste) and as such know the truth.

Do the Dew

I'm gonna play the role of the concerned guy and warn you that the links in this post are not suitable for work, unless if where you work is just really tolerant or your IT/IS department is very clueless. Now that the standard boobs 'n' cooter warning is out of the way, we can move forward.

Google search:

mountain dew fisting

Okay, this is dumb because any can of Dew I've seen doesn't have fists, and as such is incapable of fisting someone. Don't worry, there's a payoff to all this.

I don't understand why this Google searcher ended up here, because the first link on that Google page seems to contain what this person was looking for, unless if they actually wanted to find that magical can of Dew that does indeed have at least one fist. But just in case the search results change, this is the page I'm referring to. You really need to watch the video (linked right under the picture), unless if you're offended by what you see in the picture on that linked page, in which case I don't understand why you're hanging out here to begin with. But I've gotta say that the video is pretty fucking funny. The fact that people did that as part of their "job" and got paid for it is both the biggest argument for and the biggest argument against our capitalist system.

To conclude the first half of this post, a little something for any Slashfuckers out there: In Soviet Russia, the Dew does YOU!

I'll preface the second half of this post by saying that I never thought I'd have a semi-legit reason to post this stuff. Even though I fancy myself as some big porn guy, my real big accomplishment is a massive collection of soft-core nudie pics that I've collected and burned to CD over the past decade. The collection was started back in the day of dial-up, and only ETP had the patience to deal with downloading videos back then. For the most part, I still don't have the patience, even with broadband. The reason they're all softcore is because I don't care to see dick in still images. I don't mind dick, it's just that I want to see it actually moving and doing something. As such, cock is fine by me in videos, but in a picture it's technically just sitting there. Honestly, if I want to see a lifeless cock like in pictures all I need to do is look down.

On one of my older porn CDs is a directory entitled, simply, "Funny Shit." There are only three images in that directory, but they are legendary (if you're ETP or me). I now present them for your viewing enjoyment.

It's thanks to this image that I cannot see a bottle of the featured liquor without breaking out into laughter.

All I've ever had to say about this picture is "That beer's gonna get warm."

The filename of this one really makes it what it is.

And finally, this image is not part of the hallowed "Funny Shit" folder, but it deserves to be in here. I actually used this on a birthday card that I made for ETP one year, and yes, I wrapped the card in black plastic.

Okay, I think this was a pretty epic porn post. You're welcome.

I don't talk much about drugs here. I don't get high, but I should start. My philosophy on drugs is pretty much in line with my other beliefs. I don't give a shit what you do to yourself -- fuck up your life, kill yourself, whatever, just don't fuck things up for others. I don't have anything ground-breaking to say on the subject. Not like I do on anything else. But at least I'm still not this person or this person.

Over at Overcompensating, it's for some reason all about Weedmaster P as of late. Which is fine, because Weedmaster P is pretty amusing. He was responsible for uttering the best alternate name for the internet ever in a recent comic. That more than made up for all the other non-clever alternate names the OC guy has come up with for the 'net.

Google search:

where are sasha cohen's boobs

I'm guessing somewhere in her chestular area. What the fuck? They're small, just like the rest of her, but that doesn't mean that they might be somewhere other than where they should be. I know what this guy was thinking. Maybe she keeps them in her duffel bag. Or maybe she's like that alien from Star Trek VI who had his balls on his knees. Or maybe this searcher is just a fucking retard.

Not surprisingly, I got quite a few Sasha-related hits today, especially in the past couple of hours since the short program aired here in the states. Also not surprising is the fact that they were pretty much all for stupid shit, looking for things like nudie pics and the above. That's to be expected thanks to the level of humanity out there, which is only matched by the quality of my writing.

Man, she had better fucking win on Thursday. And she can, she just hasn't yet.

I know what I'm talking about

Once I'm in charge, one of the first things I'm going to do is ban eye makeup. Mascara can stay, but that eye shadow and especially eyeliner shit is right out. I do not profess to understand women, and I certainly don't understand this need to draw dark circles around your eyes or make it look like you have trouble listening. For some reason it's supposed to look good, but it doesn't. Look, if your eyes don't look good, you don't look good. Maybe you're ugly to begin with and it doesn't really matter, or maybe you can use these products responsibly (although I'm not convinced that's possible), but I don't care. It's been abused enough that I've had it.

Case in point are the pictures of Maria Sharapova in SI's latest non-strokefest. Maria Sharapova is hot, and unlike a certain Russian cunt bitch who was fucking Sergei Fedorov, Sharapova has actually won something in her sport that people might give a shit about. But whatever they've got going on with her eye makeup in those photos is not doing her justice. This is a pretty minor infraction, too, but I'm gonna see to it that all of this nonsense stops once and for all.

Sharing the joy

Sorry in advance. And I really am sorry for this one, but that still won't stop my need for everyone else to suffer like I do. Yahoo search:

linda tripp xxx

People should not be allowed to live.

Swiss cheese, spliced with chalk, and a beard

Yahoo search:

real elephant fucks man

Because if an elephant was having sex with a human, he wouldn't be making love to it, he'd be fucking it. I also like how this searcher specified a "real" elephant -- gotta weed out that imaginary animal sex stuff, to say nothing of that ridiculous furry shit.

"That's hilarious, because they actually show you swiss cheese, chalk, and a beard!"
- BLM discussing the funniest thing ever

Yahoo search:

she will fuck him to crack his nuts

Is this some kind of weird squirrel or elephant porn thing?

I usually get sick of the stupid shit that people put in their Slashdot sigs, but I found this one to be pretty amusing:

Vidi, Vici, Veni

Whack Palace

This is pretty hilarious. As if everyone doesn't know why you used such "tactics."

He said multiple visits were necessary so detectives could build trust with the operators.

Okay, dude, we get it -- your officers just wanted a little of that full release action. Doesn't bother me at all. Okay, sure, they're spending taxpayer money, but c'mon. These guys do a dangerous job and as such deserve a slightly less dangerous job in return.

The practice has been used in Spotsylvania since at least 2003.

Spotsylvania? Gee, I wonder what kind of spots those are.

Places like this should be left alone in the first place. Okay, I'm sure in some cases the girls working these joints are doing it out of some kind of coercion, but in pretty much any other case leave them alone. It's also pretty hypocritical for these cops to be busting these places as their visits were only ostensibly for law enforcement purposes, but such is life.

You know you've done something fucked up when even Mussolini calls you out. Okay, not Il Duce himself (it'd be pretty impressive if it was, though), but it's still an excuse to talk about Mussolini, who was a winner.

I think the only possible mitigating factor in raping someone in Italy is whether or not the rape positively impacted train schedules.

So I just read that Silk Stalkings, best show ever (or worst, you know, depending on how you look at it), has a handful of its seasons out on DVD right now. Unfortunately, all that's available at this point are the first four seasons, which means you're still firmly entrenched in Rob Testes territory. The important seasons are yet to come. Fuck, that show really should not have lasted eight seasons.

I hope this comment on IMDB was meant to be a joke:

My hobby is silk stalkings. I have taped the majority of the episodes. I will eventually tape all. I hope to see this show continue for years to come. You who work on it deserve two thumbs up, five stars and any other form of at-a-boy (girls). Thanks for giving the main enjoyment of my life.

"He's got a kick like Kwai Chang Caine."
"What?"
"Nevermind."
- Dialogue from Silk Stalkings

While we're on the subject of ejaculate, I may as well do a post on politics. There are a couple of non-issue issues that liberals are all up in arms over right now. One is the whole Jack Abramoff affair. I keep hearing about pictures of Bush with Abramoff surfacing. Wow, Bush is shaking hands with an Abramoff client with Abramoff appearing as an oh-so-incriminating "small, blurry, bearded figure in the background." Hello? Stop wasting time with irrelevant shit and follow the fucking money. I'm sure there's a real link out there that actually means something, but it's never gonna be found because we're wasting time on superficial nonsense.

The bigger story at the moment, however, is that Cheney shot some old fuck lawyer. But it's a big deal! Oh yes it is! They didn't tell anyone about it for almost a day! What the fuck do you expect from the most secretive and scripted White House in the history of mankind? No, that doesn't justify keeping it under wraps like they did. And yes, it is newsworthy when the most powerful man in the world shoots someone else. But is this really worth focusing on like we have? Maybe there's really a story here, but I don't see it at this point. Meanwhile, Bush and Cheney have taken plenty of actions that were not accidents that have led to the deaths of thousands (and counting) around the world, but yeah, we should make a big deal over Cheney being a lousy hunter.

Not really germane to the political discussion, but hunting is stupid. Go big tough guy, go.

Like usual, I've been over this before, but I'm tired of the left taking some small part of a much bigger picture and trying to make that little detail a much bigger deal than it really is, all at the expense of the broader issues. Talk about no sense of ambition or capacity for even moderately complex reasoning. Of course, we have the biggest fucking group of criminals we could have in charge right now, a bunch of people committing nothing but egregious offense after egregious offense against everything, and the left can't make shit out of any of it. It's fucking disgusting how many things Democrats could have gotten their hands on and run with, but they didn't because they're nothing but a bunch of goddamn sissy retards.

MSN Search:

porn girl being fucked by my little pony

This is horrible. In fact, this might be the most awful search hit I've ever gotten, and if you've been here more than six seconds you know I've gotten a lot of degernerate shit via search engines. To take something as innocent as My Little Pony and turn it into this is, well, it's expected based on where we're at as a society. But still. The only reason I'm posting this is because I've had my share of innocent things from my childhood runied by my and/or society's sicknesses, so I'm bringing you down with me.

And, okay, I'm also posting it because it is pretty funny in the way that most things are funny around here. But it's still an atrocious notion.

Take it all

Spam:

Safe way to drown your girlfriend in cum!

Is there any such thing as a "safe" way to drown in cum (or anything for that matter)? Isn't drowning unsafe by it's very nature? I know, I know, the "safe" they're talking about is probably a supposedly safe pill or something for increasing ejaculation volume. But this here tells you all you need to know about what a bunch of fucking cretins guys are.

As a corollary to that, I'm still sick of this whole supposed obsession over ejaculation volume. Why would you care? Oh, because you're a guy and you think this is for some reason necessary. Guys, trust me -- the less mess you make, the better. I'm sure it's so pleasing for most women to have an even bigger, sticky mess to deal with, especially if they have self-esteem and/or an education.

Speaking of spam, I'm sick of the messages getting to me that have "POTENTIAL SPAM" in the subject line. Look, if you have to demarcate something as "potential" spam, it's spam. The thing that pisses me off the most is that GMail's spam filter will actually pass a lot of these through to my inbox instead of right to the spam folder. This is what we get from a bunch of supposed geniuses? Fuck software people.

Ask Jeeves why you're such a brain stem

Ask Jeeves search:

what the fuck is blog

Typically, this search would not be very amusing. It's interesting, and annoying, that someone can live in this day and age and not know what the fuck a 'blog is, unless if they're really old or hiding somewhere. However, the person who did this particular search this morning was markedly unimpressed with what he found here. So displeased, he was, that he also left this gem.

I really would like to go in to depth on this, but I really don't need to. That typically doesn't stop me, but I need to go get dressed after being up all night molesting children and getting pussy from my computer/dog (and I don't even have an Aibo). Maybe since he fashions himself some kind of mental health professional he can help me on those and my many other issues, if he only wasn't so busy being the cool guy that he is.

Oh, and one more thing. If what's showing up on sitemeter for him is correct, he's from Green Bay or somewhere in the vacinity. Have you ever met anyone from Green Bay? What a bunch of tards.

I know, I know -- I'm just putting up a front, but I'm really crying on the inside.

ETP posted this link in comments, and I think it's worthy of a post. Ted Rall goes into one thing that I didn't over this whole cartoon nonsense because I was too busy denigrating religion. He also goes into more depth than I would have and states things much better than I'm capable of, but I get paid exactly zero dollars for this so that's to be expected.

If you at least read the headlines, you've seen that the outrage hasn't died down. The protests rage on, and it's not just the guys with guns -- this shit seems fairly mainstream. People are even dying in some of the protests, which is just pathetic. In the end, if it's protesters dying that's no huge loss (c'mon, it's not like they were gonna go on to cure cancer), but to die over something this stupid is... Stupid. Iran is responding in expected fashion, although the point is valid even if it's coming from a standpoint of disingenuousness. And it's not like I can give anyone too much shit over Holocaust jokes considering the history of this blog, right up to the post right before this one.

I also find it rather appropriate that the cartoons were originally published in September but all of the anger is just now getting really bad. Way to get with the times. And if you want to give me any shit, we can talk again about the treatment of women or other groups like homosexuals. Hey, if I could I'd fucking stone people for things as simple as wearing Crocs, but I obviously have problems.

We're only a week in, but Islam has easily won the Dumbest Religion of the Month. This is pretty meaningless, though, since it and many other religions already have a lifetime achievement award.

Regressive History

This right here is a prime reason for never finding myself a real girlfriend. Look, I'm not saying that I'm gonna cheat on her. I'm a bad person, but I'm not that bad. If nothing else the odds of me having the option on one woman, nonetheless two concurrently, is pretty slim. But I am such a pain in the ass and still a bad enough person that I'm gonna do something to really, really piss her off, even if it's unintentional. If she knows me to even the slightest degree, she'll know that the car is the best way to get back at me for whatever transgressions I have perpetrated. More pics of the "Yeah I understand but still" can be seen here. Makes me sick just looking at them. The guy deserved it, but his M didn't. Lucky for both the dispute didn't involve Sega.

I've decided, though, that if I do get myself a girlfriend, she has to be French. And a redhead. I will break with the precedent set by Google searchers and not demand an exact height and weight (short girls preferred, no fat chicks). But think of how perfect that would be. I'd have two redheaded girlfriends -- one German, one French. All I'd need at that point is to start stealing from Polish people and to come up with a manifesto that is ultimately realized by giving Jews showers, and we are so set.

I can't vouch for the quality of the scotch, but this is bad ass either way.

Google search:

schoolgirl hijackers

Man, if things like this started happening, I'd definitely be on board with terrorism.

Originality -- we've heard of it.

Okay everyone, this is it: I have finally arrived. Some shithead out there has taken the liberty of ripping something off from me without giving due credit. The nerve of some people, ripping off things from a 'blog that liberally rips off multiple stand-up comics! Nah, fuck that -- as ETP pointed out once, I warn you up front about the Carlin references. I can't help it if not everyone is as well-schooled as me or him to catch everything.

Seriously, though, go give this kid Keith some shit. I realize there are about two people out there who care enough to do this, and I'm including myself, but what the fuck. I have no idea if there's some kind of joke or deeper meaning in there, and I don't really care. I've been violated. And the only person who should be violating me is me, and that's most likely what I'm going to do after finishing this post.

Big ups to new linker devx-sama for pointing out this transgression. He also links me as a "genius," and whether that's out of some kind of irony or sarcasm is irrelevant to this discussion.

Let's see if I can get some death threats out of this one

Everyone knows I hate organized religion, particularly the Western varieties. My distaste for Christianity is pretty well known. I could stand to give the Jews more shit than I do, although Jews I can almost get on board with because they have produced some great comedians. And I'm talking comedians who are actually funny to a general audience, not just people who are funny to others of the same faith. Have you ever suffered through a Christian comic's routine? Jesus, those people make Jim Breuer look like a comic genius. About the only Christians who make good comedians are the ones who are angry because of their religious upbringing. There are plenty of bitter Catholics who turned out funny, but they're laughing at their religion, not with it. The Jews can at least poke some fun at their religion and themselves without being totally fucking lame, and Judaism was worth it for Sarah Silverman alone.

Now, the Jews are stupid, like anyone else of faith. Nevermind the silly man in the sky bullshit. That whole "no pork" thing is pretty ridiculous all on its own. Just the notion of a bunch of stuff you can't eat for no good reason is moronic. I mean, come on: kosher hot dogs? I don't even know if having some kind of blessing can make hooves and assholes any more or less edible. Or is there actually a difference in the quality of the "meat"? Regardless, one thing I want to get ahold of, though, is some kosher Coke, because high-fructose corn syrup is apparently not kosher, and as such, Jew Coke has real sugar.

When it comes to being petty, however, no one can ever top the Muslims. You have to face a certain direction when you pray? Are you fucking kidding me? Why the fuck would Allah care what direction you're facing? That's retarded. And don't tell me that the treatment of women in Muslim societies is some kind of accident. No more than the treatment that comes from the notion that womankind was created from a man's rib.

But anyway, a great example of how uptight and inflexible Islam is has been in the news this week.

Islamic tradition bans depictions of the Prophet.

Why? Was Muhammad always having a bad hair day or something so he was too afraid to show up in pictures? What a sissy.

In Berlin, Die Welt argued there was a right to blaspheme in the West, and asked whether Islam was capable of coping with satire.

Well, I think it's pretty clear that Islam isn't capable. And the Christians aren't too far behind them. Many Jews, of course, get a pass on this one.

In Germany, the vice-chairman of the central council of Muslims said Muslims would be deeply offended.

A bunch of pansies, just like your prophet. Sorry, but if you are getting all bent out of shape over a bloody cartoon, then you have problems.

If you need something to drive it home, there was this today. That's not exactly helping your cause, guys. Look, I know that not every Muslim is a gun-toting fundamentalist, but still. You don't typically see extremist Christians responding like this. No, they just use their money and influence to control the FCC, Congress, and the White House. Come to think of it, maybe I prefer the whole "armed conflict" thing better. It's uncivilized, but it's more direct.

Of course, it's not just the crazies who are all pissed off, it's a bunch of people. I mean, people getting shitcanned from their jobs? Demanding the severance of diplomatic relations? Give me a break.

I know, I know, it's all about respecting other peoples' religions. But I say "fuck that." I don't respect anyone else's religion (clearly). And you know what? Many of them don't truly respect mine, or my lack thereof. I do, however, respect their right to whatever beliefs they want to have. You're allowed to have your ignorant views, I'm allowed to have mine. Just don't infringe upon anyone else's ability to believe what they want and we're cool.

Organized religion is dangerous, period. I'm just picking on Islam today because I haven't done enough of it in the past, and this story gave me an opportunity to try and balance things out here. Religion wouldn't be so dangerous if humanity wasn't such a fucking group of children, but they are so it is.

Google search:

Because the Lord is My Shephard I have Everything that I need

I come up on page one for this search, and that is pretty fucking hilarious.

Maybe this will help Kevin Nealon with his problem.

We need somebody to rape Ann Coulter

That's a joke, for those of you who are fuckheads. But seriously, who, other than a fuckhead, can't get on board with that idea?

God damn it Ann Coulter is a dumb fucking cunt. Okay, so the poison line isn't that bad, it's just lame. But crack cocaine has "has pretty much gone away"? Maybe that was taken out of context, but probably not. And either way, there's a whole lineage of moronic shit that has spewed from this bitch's mouth.

I was just thinking, Ann Coulter is such a retard that I wouldn't be surprised if she was actually planted by liberals just to make conservatives look bad. Since a good deal of conservatives are themselves, in fact, retards, it completely backfired. Which is the outcome one would expect from liberals.

And of course, we don't even need to point out how bloody hideous she looks. Yes, I once said in a post or comment that I would fuck Ann Coulter, but I made it clear that it was only out of spite and absolutely no other desire. I just wanted her, for once, to have a little bit of liberal in her. Of course, I'm a Republican now, but I'm still all for things like baby killing and queer marrying, so I think that oughta count.