Apocalypse Now

Before we get started, this post also could have been entitled "Welcome to the Springs fuck you."

So the wedding that you just wouldn't quite expect (unless, again, you're going for irony) is said and done with. I was simultaneously looking forward to it and dreading it, and it more or less lived up to that setup. It was a decent evening.

The ceremony was, well, a Christian ceremony. And rather negative, I might add. Let me repeat that: it was kinda fucking negative. This is coming from me, mind you. Even I like to have people talking about happy shit when it's a wedding ceremony. There were, and this is all true, references made by the pastor to divorce, sin, how sin is a "virus," Satan, the BLOOD of Christ, and dirty, stinking socks. And of course some praying and reading from the bible, and some other Christian stuff that I obviously don't agree with, but that was OK because it wasn't my wedding. I made a conscious effort to not spout out "Bullshit!" or roll my eyes while all this was going on. I think I behaved pretty well.

Regardless of all the goofy pageantry (which is part of any wedding ceremony), at least it wasn't a Catholic ceremony. Oh, JFK (Jesus Fucking Christ) do I hate Catholic ceremonies. Every three seconds it's "Let us pray." Hey, how about I just slit my wrists instead? It'll save us all a lot of time.

There were also some lame attempts at humor by the pastor, but I'll let it slide. He did the best he could for, once again, something that is almost always boring for everyone in attendance. It really made me think that if I ever get married, I want the ceremony to be way more entertaining than pretty much everyone else's ceremony. I wanna get someone like George Carlin certified as a justice of the peace and have him perform the service. There will most definitely be some swearing involved, and maybe a little copping of de feel during the bride/groom kiss. Like I said, entertainment. I want people to fucking enjoy themselves. On our way out, instead of some traditional wedding music, we could have something playing that makes everyone say "What the fuck is this?" You know, like the Love Hina theme or something. Holy hell would my wife have to be cool for that to happen I'll keep dreaming.

Anyway, I've gotten off track. Back to the wedding that actually happened.

After the ceremony, as you may expect, was the reception. Unlike some weddings I can mention, people were actually assigned tables to sit at for this reception. Yes, I've been to a wedding where that didn't take place, but that was pretty much the worst wedding ever, and that is another 'blog post in and of itself.

The people I got put at a table with were pretty much a "who's who" of bad high school memories. Okay, not really. I just wanted to use that phrase. Anyway, yeah, there were a couple of people I haven't seen in like six years, including this one really tall, hot girl who was, well, still tall and hot. Them and a handful of complete strangers. In typical fashion, I was pretty quiet all night, but that's pretty much what I was expecting, and the main reason for the dread. Like usual, I survived.

Oh yeah, then there was the fire drill. I shit you not. As we got to the reception, there were fire trucks getting ready to leave. I'm like "This can't be good." Well, later on, just after salad was served, the fucking fire alarm went off. Amusingly enough, no one gave a shit and just went on with eating and bullshitting. Eventually, though, they told us we were going to have to leave the building. Furthermore, it was going to be like a half hour before the fire department came back and we would be let back in. So, that gave me some time to go and sit in the car and listen to some of the new anime soundtracks I had just gotten. So it wasn't a complete waste.

So, things were fairly normal from there on out. Dinner was served, the dancing started, with the music being handled by "DJ Dan." Yeah, I think he was spinning in London last week, and came back stateside to do the wedding.

Again, my wedding would be so fucking cool because I'd just have them play my CDs, so all night people would be subjected to techno, instrumental movie soundtracks, game soundtracks, and anime soundtracks. Oh, and most definitely a little Beck. Thus completing the circle of people saying "What the fuck is this crap?" How cool would it be to hear NIN's "Closer" at a wedding, I might ask? Just let people know right up front what our union is going to be like. Oh, and shit, how about "Ruiner"? I'd better stop before the irony and amusement kills me.

Oh yeah, and of course, there were all the bloody toasts. The father of the bride gave a really long speech, which I think got to some people after awhile, but again, I cut him some slack since he did just give his daughter away. Isn't it kind fucked up that we say shit like that, by the way? "Giving the bride away." Still talking about women like they're property. Which they aren't; they're sex objects.

If nothing else, the father of the bride pointed out that he was paying for that whole fucking thing, so he was gonna talk as long as he wanted. Again, that's fair. He at least had some amusing lines, like when he started out a joke by saying "A man isn't complete until he's married." At first, that kinda bugged me. Like Bill Maher says "You complete me? Fuck that. I complete me." But he did save it by closing out the statement with "And when a man gets married, he's finished."

Oh, and then there was the mother of the bride who broke in halfway during his speech, talking about how mothers never get to give those toasts and how it was nearly time to start partying. Yeah, speaking of things that are toasted... Anyway, it was amusing, and nice to see that the parents had some enthusiasm, even if there was more bullshit talk about the Bible and praying. Again, it's their thing, not mine, so whatever.

There were a decent number of hot women there, which was nice. At least while I was sitting there quietly I had a nice view. Oh, man, especially this one girl. I think she was like half Asian, had this body that was so nice that you just wanted to cry, great legs, and was wearing this nice little black dress and oh-so-sexy strappy heels. Naturally, she was there with her boyfriend, who looked like a total yutz. Not like I was gonna do anything anyway or even talk to her, just like all the other hot women there.

Wait, that's not totally true! One of the hotties was seated next to me and actually talked to me quite a bit. Mainly because she was one of those people who can and will talk to anyone, even people like me who don't talk to anyone. Oh, and if you're thinking I must have been like "Dude, this chick totally digs me," fear not. A) I know better and B) she was there with her boyfriend. Who was a nice guy, but a civil engineer. Of course, she was talking about how said boyfriend gets nervous when she wears her "So many boys, so little time" t-shirt, so maybe... Yeah, no. Like I said; I know better.

Then there was this other guy seated next to me who was, again, a nice enough guy, just kind of a dumbass. He kept leaning over to kiss his girlfriend all the time we were there, and I'm thinking, "God damn it, guys are fucking stupid." I see behavior like this from guys all the time, and I'm like, girl, why don't you slap him and tell him to knock it off? I mean, showing affection is nice and all (no, really, I think so), but don't be doing it every three seconds like it's some fucking cron job.

Speaking of jobs, the new job I started last week couldn't have come at a better time. I was totally dreading going to the wedding and having to tell everyone I was unemployed, but I was spared. And yeah, it's just bullshit arrogance, but it was fun to throw around where I work and that I'm an electrical engineer. Oh, I know that telling people I'm a double-E is never, ever going to get me any women, but I just don't fucking care. I worked for it, and it's fun to say, goddammit. If I'm going to be an outcast, I'm going to be an outcast that sounds smart (when, in fact, I'm not really all that smart, but they don't have to know that).

I got to catch up a little with some people, which was nice. That was pretty much what I went there for, and it was worth it. Even though I'm giving the guy who got hitched a hard time, I'm actually happy for him. Again, unlike some other weddings I can name. If nothing else, it was worth it to have some drive time to myself to listen to my new Noir soundtracks, and also because there was a Media Play close by which I hit afterwards where I managed to find the Good Luck Care Bears plush I've been looking all over hell for (hell being every Media Play and Suncoast within striking distance).

So yeah, not like anyone gives a shit, but there was my evening. A kinda fun yet rather uncomfortable evening (which is par for social misfits like me with no people skills) where I got to see people I haven't seen in over half a decade. Once again, I was reminded of how I'm going to die alone, but at least I still have the Girls and my Care Bears.

Time to go crank Queen's "Another one bites the dust."