Man, it's been awhile since I've gotten off a long rant. This place has mostly degenerated into nothing but 'blogging Mad Libs. Part of the reason I haven't busted out anything big is just because I've seemingly hit everything. Lots of it multiple times. Obviously not everything everything, but we're getting close.

You know, there was this writing project I had before the 'blog, which I simply referred to as "the Manifesto." Eventually, I gave it the title of Minority Opinion. I started it after 9/11, and like I said, it was a precursor to this 'blog. It kinda went by the wayside, but there are a couple of rants in there on subjects that that I'm always meaning to get to at Fe but just haven't done yet. Well, recent events have inspired me to get it on with regards to one of those rants. The subject? Women.

Now, this isn't some nonsense about all the stuff I've figured out about women over the years. That's a moot issue; even if I were some huge ladies man I still wouldn't know shit about women. Some men like to think they understand women, but they don't. We're fucking clueless; always have been, always will be. And you know what? That's part of what makes it fun. Ninja Gaiden wouldn't be worthwhile if it didn't have me pissed and frustrated. I can't believe life actually has me believing crap like that.

This, for the most part, won't be some kind of rant on relationships. Usually, I fucking hate talking about relationships. Why? Because it's all nothing but a bunch of stupid crap. Stupid crap and pointless pontification on something that can only end in A) breaking up or B) marriage (in some form). To me, it's all even more stupid and pointless than the other shit I usually talk about here. It's nothing but self-serving running in circles, so I just stay out of it. Also, I haven't been in a relationship in a long time, and essentially consider myself to have never been in a "real" one at all, so it's not like I have anything meaningful to add. Of course, being self-serving and not having anything useful to contribute never stops me from putting my two cents in on everything else, but what the hell.

No, more specifically, I'm here to complain about all the shit women do with their bodies. Unfortunatlely, not the good kind of stuff that involves touching and inserting buzzing (or, hell, non-buzzing) objects. I was perusing this month's Playboy this past weekend. I'm not sure why issues are still coming to me since it seems like my subscription should have expired about three years ago, but what the fuck. I'm checking out the table of contents, and see that this month's Playmate is Nicole Whitehead. She was a model in Newsstand Specials/Special Editions a couple of years back, and holy hell was I in love with her. So when I first see that she's this month's centerfold, I got a twinge of excitement. A twinge, right before this thought was jammed into my head: "They fucked her up, didn't they?"

Sure enough, I turn to her pictorial, and... She's sporting a platinum blonde dye job. I fucking HATE platinum blonde dyed hair. I will never, ever understand the fixation with this particular hair color. Is it even possible to be naturally platinum blonde? I wouldn't fucking know, because I see so many shitty dye jobs that it has me thinking that busting out the peroxide is the only way to get there.

It's not just platinum blonde, but bad dye jobs in general. Your hair color tends to match your natural skin tone, and dying your hair oftentimes fucks this balance up. Not always, of course; there are many women who roll with dyed hair who look good that way. If it looks good, okay, we can cut you some slack. It's not a huge deal to throw some more chemicals on your hair. Just don't stray too far from something like looks like you could have possibly been born with it. For those who don't look good, if you want to look bad, that's fine too. It's your choice. The thing that pisses me off is that it's all so fucking unnecessary. It's just another facet of our stupid, shallow society. It's ironic, too, because it stems from wanting to look attractive, but many a time actually makes you look unattractive in the end. Well, to me at least; we all know I have a different and more screwed up set of standards from everyone else.

Along similar lines, and also appropriate when Playboy is on the table, is the topic of breast implants. I used to think that women who felt they needed breast implants were just fucking idiots with no self-esteem. And yeah, if they think they need them, they're still idiots. As yet, upon reflection (yes, actual reflection, and not just stroking it to titty mags), I was able to kind of understand the mentality. Shit, if there was a way to make myself several inches taller with reasonably low risk, I would be goddamn fucking tempted. Finally, a way to shake this stupid fucking monkey - not of some deficiency I think I have, but some deficiency society tells me that I have.

So yeah, I can at least begin to understand the kinds of things that motivate women to get boob jobs. That doesn't make it any less of an unnecessary thing, though, just like with dye jobs. The irony is also not lost, as breast augmentation is something that starts off with a desire to be more attractive, and can turn horribly, horribly ugly. Ugly because oh-so-many women can't just get a nice, manageable size, they have to go with the quadruple-Ds that have you waiting for their skin to split open from the pressure exerted from within. We just don't need women running around that are more plastic then a Saturn automobile.

Yes, I know breast implants aren't made of plastic, but I think it's pretty fucking clever that I can take a discussion of boobs and turn it into an excuse to rip on Saturn shitboxes. Yes, being clever is working out for me, only it isn't.

Even when women do the implant thing in moderation, I still think it's unnecessary. Of course, this is just me, but things just always seem to look better when they're natural. I'm also biased seeing as how I have a fondness for smaller breasts. That's not to say that I don't appreciate larger breasts as well, but they can get to the point where they're too big, natural or fake. I could be wrong, but I may be the first guy ever to say that breasts can be too big.

Who's to blame for all this? Everyone. Stupid fucking guys who actually prefer blondes or like big tits, and stupid fucking women who buy into that bullshit.

In the end, it's just frustrating to see women putting all this stupid pressure on themselves and going through all this wasted effort just for shallow fucking assholes. And I know that there's more to blame than just individual stupidity, because it's systematic in our society. I know the continual barrage of fashion magazines and supermodels and anorexic movie stars that women have to put up with from the time they're old enough to understand anything. Which, I believe, occurs around age 43. Seriously, though, I can see where it would lead to this platinum blond/big tits fixation. I can't necessarily empathize since I'm not there, but I can definitely understand and sympathize. I at least know enough to know that it's waaay different from what men go through. After all, I don't get all bent out of shape when I see athletes or underwear models. Well, I do, but it's not because of physical attractiveness, it's because I get pissed at everything. No, when it comes to being ugly, you know what I do? I deal with it. I know things aren't always that easy, though, as evidenced by my lingering issues, but still. Can't we do a better job as a society and not put people through this kind of shit?

Ladies, listen. For all the stupid fucking guys out there who say they prefers blondes, there's at least a couple who don't give a fuck or maybe even prefer something else. For all the guys who say they like big tits, there are at least a couple of guys who don't give a shit or are maybe freaks like me and have a thing for smaller breasts. The same goes for all other physical traits. Like I said, I can understand the desire to look your best, to be as attractive as possible, but honestly. Do you really want to be attracting shallow fucking guys who care that much about hair color or breast size or whatever?

Also, if you women absolutely must go through with any of this, at least do it right, will 'ya? I need all the masturbatory material I can get my hands on seeing as how that's the face of the next 80 years or so, and it would be nice if I didn't have to keep looking at the same crap.

Of course, this is skirting all the issues like physical attractiveness isn't everything, you've gotta look at the total person, blah blah blah. We all know that stuff, and some of us eventually get there, so why can't we just get our shit together and get past some of the shallow nonsense? Sure, there's almost always going to be superficialities - which is okay, by the way - but holy Christ do we waste too much fucking time on them. Let's tone down worrying about hair and boobs so we can get down to what we're all after: the hard-core fucking.