So I don't know if any of you heard this, but the pope died this past weekend. CNN apparently didn't get word of it until just recently, and even then it was a short blurb that I really had to dig for. I suppose this is what I get for continually saying that I just wanted the pope to die already. This is like Reagan fucking dying but on a global scale.

I was thinking, though, I really wish I could become pope. There's the obvious perk of having ultimate job security. Sure, I could end up old and broken down and totally fucked up like John Paul II, but if that were the case, you know what? I'd just quit. There was lots of talk about JP Two resigning recently, so it must be an option. I have never been one to be above copping out.

How cool would it be having tons of people kissing my ass and pretty much worshipping me? I know there are some hot Catholic bitches out there, and that'd be fucking neat. Then, of course, there's the whole Catholic schoolgirl thing, and we for sure would work that in there somehow. Or constantly.

I know what you're saying. "Dude, the pope doesn't get to have sex." And I'm like, yeah, how exactly does that differ from my life right now? Do they monitor the pope's internet usage? As long as I can download porn and masturbate chatting to "girls" on IRC, I'm good. I mean, what the hell are they gonna do? Tell me to stop? I'm the FUCKING POPE, and I can do whatever the hell I want. I could probably just make some papal decree saying that I get to download pr0n and fuck women, anyway.

Another great advantage would be having control over millions and millions of people. Sure, they're stupid people, but that would only serve to make fucking with them that much more fun. Once elected pope, I'd immediately begin the fucking in choosing my name. Something like Pope Liberal I. Or Pope Bimmer. Or, oh, this is the best -- Pope Queer.

That, of course, would be merely the beginning. Newly crowned Pope Queer would then proceed to require the Cardinals to shed their red robes and caps for pink ones. The next several years, and hopefully decades, of my reign would be spent destroying all of the things that Catholics apparently think are so great about their religion by doing things like allowing sex to be fun, advocating a stance that contraception and abortion aren't half bad ideas in a world with disease and already billions of people, pointing out that gays are normal human beings, and enforcing the notion that women are there to be more than just subservient to men (except for me). Oh, and if you're caught molesting choir boys, you die.

Oh, and don't even start in with me. "Roman Catholics don't think women are subservient!" Give me a fucking break. Anyone who does things like exclude women from clubs (priesthood) clearly views them as being below men. "So why is it that so many women are Catholic, you heathen shit?" Ummm, because they're dumb? Same goes for anyone who gets on board with a group that scorns who they are. And really, how can you get on board and stay on board with a group that is soft on pedophiles? Granted, I'm soft on pedophile jokes and am kind of a pedophile myself, but I have to draw the line at people who actually molest children. Assuming, of course, that the child didn't want it in the first place. See? Tasteless joke, but it didn't hurt anyone.

Okay, so for pretty much all the above mentioned stuff, not to mention the entire rest of my life, I will never get to be pope. But a man can dream, can't he?

All I can say is that the next pope had better not choose a lame-ass name. No, ETP, we're not getting a Pope Corky, no matter who gets tapped for a job. I just don't want to see another Pope Innocent. Out of all the Popes in history, I hate those motherfuckers the most. That, to me, is the same presumptuous, pretentious shit that leads people to name their daughters "Chastity" or "Charity" (although I do find it funny to think that once a girl named Chastity has sex, she's automatically a total failure in life). The popes who chose the name Pius also piss me off. No, it's not "pious," but it sounds the same and that annoys me. Pius can get in line right behind Innocent for a good cock punching. The next pope will be an ignorant fucker who has way too much influence over, well, everything, but all I ask is that he not choose a stupid name. Not like it matters, but I figure it's small enough that it's something I can reasonably hope for.

Just as a quick aside, I learned at least one new thing today. The guy who came just before John Paul II got to be pope for all of 33 days, which I found kinda interesting. Just some random trivia for 'ya, since we all know how useful that shit is.

I've also been re-acquainting myself with how fucking goofy religion is. Not just Catholicism or the rest of Christianity, but religion in general. Catholics are getting it bad now since they're at the plate, plus they always get it just because. But man, all of the stupid bullshit ceremonies and pageantries and centuries-old rituals that they have to go through with the passing of the pope is ridiculous. Having been to a Catholic wedding in my lifetime ("let us pray"), this comes as no surprise. But the litany of ceremonies and weird words and dumbass titles is just fucking retarded. How exactly does this get you closer to Jesus?

The other thing I find pathetic is all of the people who are really broken up over the pope dying. All over the world you have people praying and crying. And for what? Some guy you never knew? I've never understood this tendency to get upset over people you don't know. You know, I can see being a little bummed out, but bawling your eyes out? Grow the fuck up, would 'ya? Of course, I suppose if you actually grew up, you'd drop the whole religion thing to begin with.

So yeah, that's it. I just thought I'd counter the barrage of stupid pope crap with some of my own stupid crap.