For fans of old-school Star Trek, this is awesome.

Incoming porn link, so you've been warned.

Alright, so I just read about this in the AV Club. And, yeah. In many ways, that has to be the dumbest fucking thing ever. But it does have the potential for brilliance, just not for 30 bones a month. And could Jenna Jameson please go the fuck away now? Your tits are way too big, you've gotta be like 50 now, and you haven't been hot in a very, very long time, so please leave us alone.

Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with people? Aside from all the obvious reasons, and, well, I guess that answers my question. But c'mon. Every damn month it seems I get it from both sides when I peruse the latest issues of Hustler and Barely Legal. In the letters, guys will always get off about how they want to fuck Jenna Jameson. There was one asshole who actually said that he envied Jenna's husband because he's, quote, lucky. Maybe it's just me and I'm selfish (maybe?), but if I had a wife I'd really rather not have other guys sticking their dick in my wife all day long as a matter of course. Hey, if that works for you, no prob, but I'm guessing that's not the case for a lot of guys. Some shit sounds better in your head, chief, than it does in execution. But then again, a lot of guys are idiots. Hence, the vast majority of my referral log.

And then there are all the models who kiss ass with Jenna Jameson, saying how she's their idol, blah blah blah. I guess I can understand that in a way, though. If you can get in good with Jenna Jameson I'm sure you could make some inroads in porn. But it's still nauseating for everyone to be cumming all over themselves over the "plastic and rapidly aging" (as another non-sycophant letter writer put it) Jenna Jameson.

Finally, some fantasy sports bullshit that I can get on board with. At least conceptually.

Could be meat, could be cake. I think it's... Meatcake!

We'll always have Paris. Sadly.

One of the things I hate the most (this is pretty telling considering how much shit I hate) is bullshit celebrity announcements that are treated as if they're actual, important news. Like remember when Snoop Dogg gave up weed? That's great, Snoop, I'm cool with whatever you do. But aside from the impact it has on yourself and those around you, it's fucking meaningless. Or how about Lance Bass coming out recently? I don't give a shit if some man bander is gay or straight. It effects nothing other than the people he fucks.

Then today I see this. I don't give a flying fuck, OK? Hey, when you announce that you're going to stop showing off your cunt to the rest of the world (I mean the one between your legs, not the bigger one named "Paris Hilton"), then you can announce that as news because it will actually mean something to me. But this? Who gives a shit.

... says Hilton, who told the magazine she has had sex with only two men during her lifetime.

Alright, whatever. This woman just might have a looser interpretation of sex than Clinton. Pun intended.

"I never received a dime from it. It's just dirty money and he should give it all to some charity for the sexually abused or something."

How much money do you have, you fucking bitch? I'd be curious if she gives out any money that helps victims of sexual abuse. And even if she does, she could most likely stand to give a little bit more.

The Hilton Hotels heir and uber-socialite told the magazine she is "very shy" and relates to the late Princess Diana, who was hounded by photographers.

Again, Paris, we have all seen pictures of your vagina. I have known plenty of outgoing girls who have never had a picture showing their cooch show up in a magazine.

"I've been in cars trying to get away from speeding paparazzi before and it's horrible, so I can relate to Diana and the problems she had," Hilton is quoted as saying.

Yeah, well, except that Diana is dead, and you're not. Oh, if only things were reversed. The media hype around Di was fucking ridiculous, but at least she was a mother and supported some good causes. As opposed to, you know, being a dumb cunt who just expects others to donate to good causes.

The absolute worst thing about Paris Hilton is that she's ugly. I've seen maybe a couple of pictures where it was like, okay, maybe she's marginally pumpable there, if you can discount all the diseases you'd catch from her. But by and large she looks like shit. Obviously it would be preferable to deal with neither, but why can't we at least make a trade for her sister to be the one we always have to see all over the goddamn place? She's no prize package either, and I wouldn't be surprised if she's equally as vapid, but she's at least decent looking compared to that cunt Paris.

Here is a pretty solid idea.

Then there was this that I read about somewhat recently. No, it's not abuse, it's just stupid and fucked up. Fucked up for obvious reasons, and stupid for this comment by the photographer, Jill Greenberg, who undoubtedly considers herself an "artist":

"The first little boy I shot, Liam, suddenly became hysterically upset," the Los Angeles-based photographer said. "It reminded me of helplessness and anger I feel about our current political and social situation."

What? Jesus Christ lady, you are really fucking stretching your attempts at social commentary on this one. Your pretentiousness and self-importance really shine through with that leap in thought. This project isn't about the "helplessness and anger" you feel, it's about "Hi, I like to make kids cry."

Why are all the kids naked, or at least topless? If naked kids are involved and I'm calling you out instead of making a joke then you've probably done something wrong. And what kind of asshole parents are setting their kids up for this shit?

"Taking away a lollipop is not child abuse. There's no irreparable harm. I'm just not sure there's any significance to the photographs either."

Even if it's coming from some other pretentious art fuck, that pretty much says it all.

And while we're on the subject of pictures of kids (relax, what you expect from me is not forthcoming), I may as well link yet another gem from The Onion.

Basement lipo. Yeah, no way that that can go wrong. This post, however, can go way more wrong.

"There are people who will take advantage of women who can't travel to Brazil or who don't have the resources, because aesthetics are so important in Brazil," she said.

Well, even if aesthetics are important, they apparently aren't all that choosy in the end. According to Maxim a few years back, one in ten women in Brazil has had sexual contact with an animal at some point. And we trust what Maxim has to say on everything.

"Get a load of this, everyone. Even as we're all sittin' here, somewhere out there somewhere, someone's having sex with an animal. Yeah! And some of you are thinkin' "Let's get there before there's a line." Well that's not what I'm talking about... People are having sex with animals! And then we wonder why the animals attack us!"
- Dave Attell

This is pretty hilarious. If something that improbable happens, you were just somehow destined to get in trouble.

The woman, who became suspicious of the delay as the waitress went to call police, fled the Moosehead Saloon, but her companion provided her name.

Having your friend rat you out is also pretty solid. Of course, I guess you can't really expect for someone to lie to the cops for you. You should, however, give your friends a heads-up if you're fleeing the scene of some kind of crime so that maybe they can get the hell out too.

Maria Bergan, 23, of Lakewood, was charged Sunday night with identity theft and receiving stolen property.

And that makes it even more solid -- she was actually of legal age to drink. You might try mixing in a driver's license of your own someeday, Maria. You've only had seven years (depending on local laws) to get your shit together on that one.

See, why can't more politicians have a sense of humor like this? I think this country would be a lot better off if 230 years ago we hadn't declared our independence from being able to take a fucking joke.

Alright, it didn't take as long to put this compilation together, and there's a whole mess of crap in here. Either shit's picking up, or I'm lowering the bar.

how the fuck do you get ahead in this world?

By doing Yahoo searches. Clearly.

celtic feet fucking

I wasn't aware that the Celts had their own methods for feet fucking. Either way, find me some hot Celtic girls with nice feet, and I'm in.

gays food fuck

Hey, I fucked fruit.

christians against feminism messageboard

Christians against feminism? Isn't that redundant? Hey, fuck you: made from a man's rib. We could go on and on, but that tells you all you need to know right there.

fuck you i am a piece of shit

Yeah! You sure told them!

You piece of shit computer! Where the fuck can i find some nike shoes?

Yeah, it's the computer's fault that you're too stupid to know about these things called "stores," dickface. Out of all the retards and child molesters I've gotten here via search engines, I think I either hate this guy the most, or at least, he's somewhere towards the top.

BLM fucked up

You had to consult Google on this one? Like I haven't made this abundantly clear as is? Or were they not talking about me, but instead having issues with the Bureau of Land Management?

fuck me and make me have an organism

This one is so awesome that I don't even need to say anything -- it stands on it's own two (or more, depending) feet.

guys in the army fucking everything with a pussy

Yeah, maybe everything with a man pussy. Or as I prefer to call it, mangina.

Spam:

And it's not strange -- you cuum very fast!

No, it's not strange. That's the problem.

horse fuckers next strike

Have horse fuckers formed a union? I'm just waiting to see flyers for the local 212 of the UHF.

fisting toronto -teen -girl -girls -lesbian -aids

Okay, you're looking for fisting, but you want to exclude teens, girls, and lesbians? What fun could possibly come of this search? Okay, okay, so this person has different tastes than me -- that's cool. But why the need to explicitly exclude "aids"? Are they talking about the disease? Is this really something closely coupled with fisting? Or are they talking about "aids" in the sense of something or someone that helps? The only "aids" you need for fisting are A) a fist and B) an accommodating hole.

Spam:

Youung girl brutally analpenetratted by black HORSSE. model

OK, I understand the soft racism of specifying black men because all black guys, of course, have huge cocks, but why was there a need to specify that the horse, sorry, HORSSE, is black? Is porn of young girls taking it up the ass from horses so common that people can afford to be choosy as to what color the animal is?

Spam:

Why be an average guy any longer

What makes you think I'm even average?

What does one earring in the left ear mean on a man

It means he's a dooshebag with an earring in his left ear. God damn it, it's been like 20 years since this might have had relevance. As we so often do here, we defer to Carlin: "That thing with the earring? It's over. Has been for a long time. It was supposed to piss off the squares. The squares are wearing them now!"

And for the grand finale of this batch of garbage, I present a search hit that is truly epic:

what does it mean when someone is shitting on you in a dream

Several weeks back ETP and I got into a discussion of Super Mario Brothers 2. We're cool like that. Anyway, anyone who's moderately hard-core knows that SMB2 started out in Japan being called Doki Doki Panic. Now, I know that "doki doki" is used as kind of a written sound effect (if that makes sense) to describe a beating heart, especially when a character is excited in some way. Now, as to what the fuck that has to do with Mario Brothers, I had no clue. As it turns out, it has nothing to do with Mario at all. Interesting to note that The Lost Levels, which was part of Super Mario All Stars for the SNES, still wasn't SMB2 as it was released in Japan. Arrogant fuckers.

Well, this is fucking weak, but not unexpected. Still, Ignorant Man Walking™ Bill Fucking Frist was on board with this one. But still, no, Bush is living in some bullshit world of black-and-white morality, except for the whole "black" part of it. Ahem.

"It crosses a moral boundary that our decent society needs to respect, so I vetoed it," he said on Wednesday.

"Moral" and "decent" pretty much have no place with reference to our society or this decision. Decent? Yeah, alright. And where is the morality in fucking with something that could help improve millions of lives? Again, we're not sacrificing live babies for this shit, just goddamn embryos.

Mr Bush announced his decision at the White House in the company of 18 families whose children were born after using embryos "unwanted" by other couples seeking fertility treatment.

Oooooh, such a shrewd move, Bush! You sure showed me! And how about those embryos that will never, ever do anything but take up freezer space? I know we just went over the whole "potential for life" thing with the birth control debate, but that does not make this shit any less stupid or simplistic. They are doing something immoral while hiding behind the curtain of morality. Note to James Dobson: that's hypocrisy.

And even if (IF!) we are killing something that could potentially be alive, so what? What ever happened to the notion of making sacrifices for the greater good? Bush might understand this concept had he ever been in the military or served his country in some fashion. Hell, he just needed to listen to Spock when he said that oftentimes the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one. If you want to throw any of that Star Trek III shit in my face, spare me.

Then there's the fact that it's really stupid (slash hypocritical) for this man to be so obsessed with saving something that merely could be a human life while being totally cool with throwing away actual human life by sending it off to die in an unnecessary war. Of course, Carlin put it best, as he so often does: "These Republicans are looking for live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers."

One encourages stem cell research using cells from sources other than embryos, and the other bill bans the growing and aborting of foetuses for research.

Oh, that's great. I'm glad to see that something useful was accomplished today. A side issue to all this shit:

In waiting until the fifth year of his presidency to veto any legislation, Mr Bush became the first president to complete four years in office without a veto since John Quincy Adams in the 1820s.

This is also fucking sick, and shows what a bad bloody state we're in. This shows that over the past five years, there has, effectively, been no debate and no dissent between two out of three branches of government, with the third really not far behind. The "checks and balances system" has effectively just been reduced to checks. Yeah, that sounds pretty healthy. And, of course, this is no startling revelation -- anyone paying attention to anything (which is, maybe, a couple dozen people) already know this, but having it really laid out in a little fact like that just helps to drive home how much this blows.

Random tidbit: we all know I keep getting search hits about imitation crab and pregnancy, but I never knew what the fuck the relation was until a few days ago when I was enlightened via the guestbook:

Oh, one last thing: I don't know if you ever found out, but the whole imitation crab sticks/pregnancy thing is because some imitation crab sticks contain shark, which (like lots of predatory fish) has high levels of mercury.

Big ups to Kyle for posting something in the guestbook that was not a bunch of rambling crap (as opposed to most other entries) in addition to being educational.

Amusing searches have been far and few between again as of late. For as long as it's taken to put together a new list you'd think it'd be a decent one, but no, this is a pretty piss-poor crop of stuff that's already piss-poor by nature. Sadly, we go to 'blog with the material we have, not the material we want.

if you a guy and you wont to wear a tampon is that alright

Uhhhhh, depending on where you are planning to "wear" that tampon, and what your motivations for doing so are, you may want to visit a doctor before or after this little adventure.

ways to try to get yourself the hiccups

When I first saw this, I was like, that's easy -- just do what my stepdad always advised: hold your breath and count to a thousand. Then I re-read it -- this person doesn't want to get rid of the hiccups, they want to get them. What the fuck? How annoying and infuriating are the hiccups? Why would you want to bring them on purposely? Hey chief, why don't you look into how you can give yourself cancer while you're at it. The thing that irritates me the most about the hiccups is that if they go on for not too long, I start getting used to the sensation. Then when they finally go away, I sit there for at least a half a minute in anticipation of the next one, and I find myself a little pissed off that it isn't coming just because I'm expecting it.

picture of gas nozzle in the butt

Talk about taking it up the ass from the oil companies. Now we know the real reason gas prices are so high.

Fuck my little pussy with your big dick

Wow, you must have a really little pussy if you're saying that to me.

Spam:

If getting a brand watch was your dream from the childhood

Okay, this is sad on so many levels. If having a nice watch was a childhood dream, you had a pathetic childhood and I'm guessing you're a sad-sack in adulthood. Furthermore, if you had that dream as a child and you're fulfilling it with a shitty knock-off in a spam e-mail, well, yeah. Sad sack.

"liberal bias" "weather channel"

You've got to be fucking kidding me. I don't know what's more pathetic -- someone trying to find bias in the Weather Channel, or the notion of left-leaning weather forecasts in the first place. The latter makes me think of AM760 in the Denver area, which is our local liberal, ERRRRR, progressive radio station. I can't stand to listen to it often, but when I do I hear the traffic report, segments which they refer to as "progressive traffic." And every time I hear that I think to myself, do we really need left-wing traffic reports?

how to fuck a husband

Divorce him and take half. EDDDDDDIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

how do i put my penis in my girlfriends vagina

I really wish I was making a lot of these up, but no, there are people out there making queries like this. Anyone this dumb shouldn't be putting their penis anywhere that might lead to breeding; I'd suggest putting it in a blender or the garbage disposal instead. And since I'm sure you need full instructions, flip the goddamn "on" switch after inserting.

schoolgirls take over world

Aside from myself taking over, there has never, ever been a world domination idea that I've been more on board with. Sure, it will turn out more vapid and stupid than I want to admit, but at least it'll look hot.

ken fucks barbie

How?

Alright everybody, you're going to have to sit down for this next one. Considering you're reading a 'blog and most likely at your computer that shouldn't be much of a problem. Now, we've all seen a lot of dumbass, frivolous, unfounded lawsuits over the years. People suing McDonald's for spilling coffee on themselves. People suing food companies because they made themselves fat. People suing tobacco companies after they knew full well smoking is bad for you. People suing Fear Factor because they got sick while watching the show. But all of that pales in comparison to -- wait for it -- this.

Heckard apparently is suing Jordan for defamation and permanent injury, emotional pain and suffering.

For filing this lawsuit, Michael Jordan should be allowed to show up at this guy's house and beat the shit out of him, thus causing permanent injury, emotional pain and suffering.

He is suing Knight for defamation and permanent injury for promoting Jordan and making him one of the world's most famous athletes.

What were they supposed to do? Promote Jordan so he's only marginally famous, and then stop?

But Heckard bears a physical resemblance to Jordan because he has a shaved head, an earring in his left ear, and is in good physical shape -- from playing basketball.

So let your hair grow, don't wear an earring, let yourself get fat, and find another sport, prick.

Wouldn't most people consider that a compliment?

"Yes, don't get me wrong it's definitely a positive thing, because Michael, like I say is one of the best ball players that I've known to play the game."

So you're suing. Over something that you admit is a positive thing. Right.

"So I want to be recognized as me just like Michael's being recognized as Michael."

Explain to me again how this is a problem for Jordan, Nike, and the courts to solve.

The television station apparently caught Heckard wearing blue Air Jordan tennis shoes.

What. An. Asshole.

What made Heckard decide to file suit against Jordan and Knight for $416 million each?

"Well, you figure with my age and you multiply that times seven and then I turn around and I figure that's what it all boils down to."

Nice, genius.

Gee, I wish I could be a creepy pedo in public and get away with it. "Uh, BLM, you are and you do." I dunno, I just talk about it on a 'blog; I don't think that counts. I certainly don't do things like this in front of others. OR in private, so settle down.

Mr Putin came across Nikita, five, in the Kremlin last week, lifted up his T-shirt and suddenly kissed him.

I mean, Jesus, could anything be weirder? Well, sure something could, in theory, but this shit is as real as ER (ER is real, for those of you not in on this fact). And it's not like this was Michael Jackson, who we'd expect something like that from; no, it's the leader of Mother goddamn Russia.

"He seemed very independent and serious... I wanted to cuddle him like a kitten and it came out in this gesture. He seemed so nice," he said.

You're not really helping your case there, dude. And sure, maybe you get this urge, but that doesn't mean you fucking follow through with it.

"There is nothing behind it"

No, but I'm guessing if you really had your druthers, there sure would be.

Is there some kind of Russian cultural thing I might be missing? Or is this as messed up as it seems?

Because no one else is making this joke

Or, you can be neither.

This rest of this post is pretty stale, too, but I'm in the mood for a bunch of smart-ass comments on a load of utter crap.

"The president that chases the opinion poll is the president that will have failed policy."

Like usual, simpleton, it doesn't have to be an either/or proposition.

"Because we're right on winning this war on terror, and we've got a good economic record."

Just because you say something, doesn't mean it's true. Hey, I'm getting so much pussy that every time I turn around I find myself saying "These hos have gotta get up offa me. Damn, despite saying that, I'm still sitting here alone.

When it comes to the most controversial single decision of his presidency -- invading Iraq -- the president told King he would make the same choice again, even knowing that Saddam Hussein's regime did not have weapons of mass destruction.

Any way you try and slice that, that is still one of the dumbest things ever said.

"We removed a tyrant," Bush said.

Yeah, I guess. But I'll use this as an opportunity to reference this cartoon, which if, for no other reason, is funny to me thanks to the caricature that doesn't really even look like Saddam.

"He was an enemy of the United States..."

Yeah, one who had our boot so far up his ass that he couldn't really do anything.

"... who harbored terrorists..."

Uh, he gave a couple of checks to the families of suicide bombers. Or at least, that's what you used to keep harping on.

"... and who had the capacity, at the very minimum, to make weapons of mass destruction."

Just insert disgruntled sighing noises here.

"And he was a true threat."

Survey says..... BZZZZZZZZZZTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!

Bush also told King that if North Korea's missiles had presented a threat to the United States, "We had a plan in place to respond."

"We've got a missile defense system that will defend our country," he said without elaborating.

What, you mean the missile shield that usually fails during tests? You know, the tests where we know ahead of time there's an incoming target?

"Quite the contrary. I feel it is an honor to be in this position," he said. "I wake up enthused about working on this year's problems because I've got confidence we can solve them."

Wow, that's pretty optimistic since we've solved, I dunno, about zero problems in this country in recent memory. To say nothing of the new ones we've created.

He said he fears another September 11-style terrorist attack. "I think we're safer, but I'm worried about an enemy that wants to hit us again."

Saying he worries is about as close as I've seen Bush get to thinking and speaking realistically, and using the qualifier of "I think" tells you pretty much everything you need to know.

The president says he retains a good relationship with Russian President Vladimir Putin...

I'll get back to Vlady here in a minute.

The president said the federal government is "better prepared today than we were last year" to deal with another hurricane disaster.

How could we possibly be LESS fucking prepared?! Yeah, I know, we could be, and that's really scary.

We've got a better relationship with the [National] Guard so that the Guard can move more immediately.

How? Have you stopped sending them off to die in Iraq? One weekend a month!

Bush predicted that al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden will be captured eventually.

Alright, I'm done. On a scale of one to ten, the bullshit just hit, I dunno, a million.

In celebration of July 4th, here's an article that showcases so many of the things wrong with America -- religion, politics, money, influence, etc. A nice reminder of how far we've strayed from the ideals that this country was founded upon, even if the Founding Fathers were a bunch of hypocrites (real hypocrites, not James Dobson hypocrites).

"This incident raises the disquieting possibility that the MPAA considers exposure to Christian themes more dangerous for children than exposure to gratuitous sex and violence," Blunt said in a letter to MPAA Chairman and Chief Executive Officer Dan Glickman.

Yes Roy, that's an excellent point, because so many movies with gratuitous sex and violence are getting G ratings.

"Mr. Blunt does continue to have questions about the process by which 'Facing the Giants' was rated and what that says about ratings creep in general," spokeswoman Burson Taylor said Friday.

We can argue about what a bunch of bullshit the MPAA ratings system can be, but it's sad that the only reason they're getting all up in arms over this is because of Jesus. I am so tired of the poor little repressed Christians getting all boo-hooey when they just think someone is doing something to go against their superstitions.

Alright, so after all that, let's lighten things up a bit around here. Britney Spears finally decided to take it off, although not really. I'm going to clarify that these pics are from Harper's Bazaar just in case that brings me some traffic (because there won't be a million fucking sites ahead of mine that will have them). She should really get back to us when she's more naked and less pregnant. I will admit that the pregnancy does give it a certain dirtiness that I'm not totally averse to, however. I do dig the darker hair, though. As an aside, why can't more of you girls go darker instead of lighter, if you insist on fucking with things?

Anyway, since you may already be going one-handed over there, I'll save you the trouble of searching and point you to a site with pictures from the, er, spread.

Unfortunately it will still be several years before we can (legally) get this close with her sister, Jamie-Lynn, who is currently 15. I will again save you some precious stroke time by pointing you to this site (you know you want to, and the rest of us know you want to), which appears to have a significant number of pics of Jamie-Lynn. I don't know how much of it is quality as of yet; however, and I don't think it's unfair to ask you to do a little bit of work towards your masturbatory pursuits.

Here was another thing that really pissed me off. Now, granted, this is just one dipshit complaining, but he's obviously not alone.

"Since then, approximately 500,000 American babies have been killed with RU-486"

Alright, I don't want to get into the abortion thing since we know where I stand, and we know where these people stand. Yes, I still support it, even though I'm quote-unquote Republican now, just like I'm still down with gay marriage. But the obviously inflammatory rhetoric of babies that have been killed is just, well, inflammatory rhetoric. As David Cross once put it, if they were actually killing babies, I'd be like, no way, that's bullshit. But they're, as Bill Maher has put it, a pile of goo. Like I said, this is my opinion, and their opinion is that it's a baby at the moment of conception, and neither side is gonna budge on this.

What really pissed me off was the re-hashing of this debate about birth control. Not only do these fucks think that a fertilized egg is equivalent to a living, breathing child, but the mere possibility of a child is something that needs to be protected. And that's just stupid. But okay, we're used to these people coming up with dumb notions on things, so let's try and set that aside since we won't come to any new conclusions there, either.

Beyond the issue of abortion, some critics oppose the Buffett and Gates foundations' support for global family-planning and population control programs.

This isn't just stupid, it's fucking sick. Imagine the suffering that so many children are born into in many parts of the world. Furthermore, imagine the extra suffering and hardship that comes not only to those children but the people around them that comes from all those extra children running around. The narrowminded view that being forced to endure a life of suffering is better than never having been born at all is just fucked up. Does Sally Struthers need a job that bad?

Naturally, we don't really see them doing a whole lot to help change the situation in poor parts of the world. Oh, sure, they'll send some people with bibles to build a bridge or something and push Christianity, but they can't be bothered to do too much because they're busy shitting themselves over stuff like gay marriage.

In the end, these people, of course, don't care about the suffering of others. No, they have a simplistic, rigid world view, and by god they're going to stick with it. All that matters is upholding what they've already decided is right. Let's not let compassion or rational thought get in the way; no, that's something Christ might do.

Not like this isn't the norm, but I've read some ignorant shit over the past couple of days. First there was this. Not like I have high hopes going in when it comes to a piece written by the founder of Focus on the Family (Action? Family Action? Yeah, sounds like some great -- and very, very dirty -- family values there). Now, we can sit down and have an argument on whether or not the media is biased when it comes to gay marriage. Just like we can argue that they're biased against racism or murder or something. But that's not what really pissed me off about this little opinion piece.

Again this year, the amendment failed to pass by a wide margin, falling 18 votes shy of a required two-thirds majority. The final tally was 49 in favor, 48 opposed.

Well, that should tell you something right there. The constitution isn't supposed to be amended on a whim, and especially not for something like this.

Rarely has there been a greater disconnect between members of the Senate and the American people who put them in power.

First off, the notion of "the people" putting them in power is bullshit. Second, they have no contractual obligation to go along with what people want -- or what some people think that the people want. And even still, if they really are going against the will of the people (well, some of them -- half of the Senate voting for this shit is still very sick and significant), that again tells you something important.

Not one state has chosen by popular vote to permit marriages between homosexuals. Support for the family has been affirmed in every instance.

Now we're getting to the crux of what really pisses me off about this. I am sick and tired of living in this age of the false argument. "Marriage between homosexuals" and "support for the family" are not two mutually exclusive concepts. Just because you have one does not mean you can't have the other. I know, I know -- that's how it is in these peoples' minds. But that is a simplistic way of viewing things at best, and retarded at worst. It's like when Bush tells us that we're "fighting them over there, so that we don't have to fight them over here." There's nothing to stop them from bringing the fight over here to us while we're still mired down over there. Simplistic.

Indeed, on the day before 48 senators bailed on marriage, a 20th state voted on its own constitutional amendment. It was Alabama, which supported traditional marriage by 81 percent to 19 percent! A search of the database Nexis revealed that not one reference to this dramatic vote in Alabama was published in the print versions of The New York Times or Washington Post. There was virtually no mention of the story in other national newspapers. Yet, each of them devoted considerable coverage to the Senate's defeat of the Marriage Protection Amendment.

Alabama voted for traditional marriage and against gay marriage. How exactly is this news? Does anyone expect a state in the ignorant South to go any other way?

As for the senators who voted against the amendment... They claimed that the issue should be handled at the state level. What hypocrisy!

Uh, yeah, exactly -- what hypocrisy? I mean, where is the hypocrisy in saying it's a state issue?

Arrogant activist judges, most of them appointed by President Bill Clinton or President Jimmy Carter, will simply overturn the will of the electorate.

When I first saw this article, I was just waiting until the phrase "activist judges" would get busted out. Christ, you people have no imagination. And what about the judges appointed by Reagan, or either of the Bushes? Apparently there are none.

Oh, and what's wrong with activism? Yes, I know, shouldn't legislate from the bench, blah blah blah. But give me a fucking break. Enforcing equality isn't so much "arrogant activism" as it is "upholding the principles upon which we pretend this country was founded."

For example, a federal judge in Washington state is considering a challenge to the federal Defense of Marriage Act.

The Defense of Marriage Act, which was signed into law by Clinton. Don't see him getting any credit for that from these conservative fucks, though (not that Clinton deserves credit on this one).

The senators who voted against marriage this month...

Again, false argument. Stop with this either/or bullshit! I don't think a single one of those Senators seeks to end the institution of marriage. Again, I know, people think that allowing gays to marry -- or even not explicitly stopping them -- threatens hetero unions. But it doesn't, and no one has shown any solid evidence that it will. They don't like something, so they make something else up that's total bullshit in support of it. Simplistic.

It took William Wilberforce more than 30 years to bring about an end to Britain's slave trade in the 1800s.

Wow. To compare the fight against the slave trade to the fight against gay marriage. Hmmmm, let's see, ending slavery increases the freedom of a group of people, making sure gay marriage doesn't happen limits the freedom of a group of people. Seems a bit conflicting, doesn't it, Jimmy? Maybe even a tad... Hypocritical?

If the battle to protect marriage takes even five more years, liberal judges and activists will have destroyed this 5,000-year-old institution...

No...

... which was designed by the Creator, Himself.

... probably not...

Even now, they are close to achieving that coveted objective.

... and no. With this bullshit going on, how exactly are we close? Again, it's embarrassing that we're going through this. Gay marriage does not equal the death of marriage and the family. Prove that it does, assface. And "just because we said so" isn't good enough. What fighting gay marriage equals, though, is homophobia, AKA gay-bashing. It's trying to restrict a group of people for no other reason besides what they are. Plain and simple, and just like has been done with women and blacks, if you need some shining examples from our stellar history. Try and dress it up in whatever nonsense argument you can come up with, but the bottom line is that you don't like gays and for that reason alone you don't want them to marry. It's not about marriage, or tradition, or those god damned children, it's about your hatred of gays, you ignorant piece of shit.

Over the years, one of the biggest fucking wastes of time that I've seen is the never ending desire to ban flag burning. This drive is a total fucking disgrace when you consider the time and energy wasted on something that is completely fucking pointless. Someone somewhere burns the flag. Unless if it causes something else to catch fire, who gets hurt? Not a single fucking person. It's a goddamn symbol, you stupid fucks. Burning the symbol is not the same as burning the thing that's being symbolized. Oh, and free speech and all, but who really cares for that these days.

From the Senate floor Monday, Specter compared flag desecration to libel and child pornography, forms of expression he said have no "social value."

Give me a break, Arlen. Child porn? Can you really say that burning the flag is as harmful and insidious as child porn? When it comes down to a choice between burning the flag and exploiting children, you have to stop and think about it?

"The First Amendment never needs defending when it comes to popular speech," Leahy said. "It's when it comes to unpopular speech that it needs defending."

It's so embarrassing that someone has to stand up and say this when it should be taken for granted, but that's where we're at.

"Those are symbols, and I leave them to the symbol-minded."
- Carlin

Hey, what some people call "a reason to divert the flight to land at JFK" the rest of us call "in-flight entertainment." Maybe they just weren't good-looking. In that case, yeah, land the fuckin' plane and get rid of them.

And one time, I fucked a 68-year-old guy in the ass in front of his kids

Originally, I thought I was going to get off a naughty post that didn't involve some kind of child abuse, but then I had to go and remember some shit from about a decade ago on an Adam Sandler CD. Anyway...

Ten-year hard-on. That needs to be a band name.

The Dura-II is designed to allow impotent men to position the penis upward for sex, then lower it.

I just picture some sort of lever or hand crank that makes it go up. It's funny if I can put "68-year-old cock" out of my mind, and even still that can't ruin the humor value of this contraption. The only thing that could make that more hilarious is if it made that sound from The Six Million Dollar Man when you raised it.