Okay, so we all know my feelings on Crocs. That being rehashed, this is awesome.

Yes, that is what that poem is about.

So the debate (which probably isn't even much of a debate) over the ages of the Chinese gymnasts will rage for a bit. Doesn't matter, though, since yeah, probably nothing will or even can be done, despite the evidence out there.

tl; dr

Yay, so I just spent like an hour-and-a-half on this post which no one will read. Couldn't I have just posted another one of those image macro sites? At least those are funny. But this post did help point out to me that I apparently really like the word "just." Almost as much as I like to start sentences with "but" and "and" even though I know it's grammatically incorrect but I do it anyway 'cause that's how I talk and I write like I talk and that's how I roll. And I like using "just" almost as much as I like over-using commas, many of which I end up going back and editing out of posts, like these last two.

Self-important bitching aside, as expected, the majority of my Olympic watching so far has been gymnastics. I watched a tiny bit of fencing, rowing, and volleyball. Oh, and some swimming, but not really 'cause I wanted to. Some Many Fuck I did not realize I had this many "random" thoughts:

• Fencing. WTF? How the hell is anyone supposed to figure out who scored without just waiting to see one person's score increase? Here's how most rounds in fencing go, at least as far as the women are concerned, all in the course of about a second and a half: go signal, a couple swipes from each side, a horrifying scream or two, round over.
• Olympic and world records: fucking meaningless. Especially in the pool. Every fucking event a record is broken. Tonight, over the course of a two-part semi, one guy lost the world record to a guy swimming in the first half and took it back in the second. Gorram meaningless. Each and every one of us could hop in the pool at the Olympics and come out with at least one record, which would be shattered immediately thereafter.
• Seriously, speaking of swimming, I am just sick of it. Why even bother with Michael Phelps' events? He's gonna win. Okay, okay, that first relay was pretty cool and not exactly a gimme. But the rest? C'mon. Like tonight, with the 4x200m relay where the Americans just crushed everyone else? Stop fucking wasting time and get back to gymnastics, you assholes.
• I like all of the attention paid to the French team saying they were going to crush the Americans in that 4x200... Is there anything less threatening than French shit-talking? Check my record; I'm not even one of those spouting-off-at-the-mouth "cheese eating surrender monkeys" morons, but guys, shut it down before, well, that ends up happening.
• Interviewers: after every single fucking race, quit asking the athlete "What happened out there?" There are only two answers necessary in the athlete's repertoire. Winner's answer: "I was faster than everyone else." Loser's answer: "I wasn't fast enough." Obviously make the necessary changes for a relay event.
• Speaking of relays, I love how the first relay that Phelps was involved in, the black guy was all but ignored when it came to camera action and interview time.
• Also in the relays, I just love how they (commentators, interviewers) talk a bunch of shit about how it's all about team and teamwork and blah blah... But all they care about is Phelps's march to the record.
• I don't really care if Phelps gets the record or not; the guy is obviously just stupid good either way. I was reading earlier today how his daily diet is 8,000-10,000 calories, a lot of it crap that would kill most of the rest of us if consumed in mass quantities. All that and he doesn't have an ounce of fat on him. I almost wish he'd just get a damn silver or something finally just so that they would quit talking about the record and move on to their next abomination.
• The human interest stories, stories about pandas, etc.: also cutting into gymnastics time. Knock it off (yeah, I know, gonna happen real soon now...).

Okay, I'm gonna need a separate section just to focus on gymnastics here.

• First off, how can anyone talk about "women's" gymnastics with a straight face? So many of them are kids, and most looking younger than they really are. At best I can call it girl's gymnastics, but women's? Nuh-uh. I am more of a woman than a lot of those girls ever will be and that's messed up.
• Probably the oldest competitor in girl's gymnastics is one on the German team who is in her fifth Olympics, meaning she's at least 16 years old. Yes, that would mean at age zero she was competing in her first Games. You don't think it's possible? Have you seen Shawn Johnson on the beam? You can't tell me it's totally implausible that when she was born she was spit out right onto the beam. "Get to work, kid." Or really, she could have been born on any apparatus with how ridiculously good she is. I've taken to calling her "Mr. Automatic." Not really flattering, especially for a 16-year-old girl, but it fits. Oh, and now that I'm talking about this, the thought of a baby doing a routine on the uneven bars is a pretty hilarious image, and I'm picturing the baby doing an awesome job in case you're keeping score at home.
• Back to the one who's in her fifth Olympics... She's actually 33. The only bona-fide woman in "women's" gymnastics. She's competing in the vault finals if you need her. And I guarantee you that every other girl on her team calls her "mom." Plus, in real life, she actually is a mom.
• If they weren't wasting time with some of the events we can just take for granted or the stupid stories just to justify the existence of many of their producers they would have time to show at least a couple other countries' events in gymnastics. Aside from the American girls and the Chinese children, I think I saw maybe one or two Russians perform on an apparatus and a single Romanian in the finals.
• Since I brought it up, yeah, we've gotta talk about the Chinese girls. There is no way some of them are 16 or even going to be 16 sometime this year (as the rules go, and we know the Olympics are real big on following rules). One of them is easily 11 or 12 at best, maybe 13. You know which one I'm talking about. I know that there are a couple of "yeah buts." Yeah, but they're gymnasts -- gymnasts are always tiny and look way younger than they really are. Yeah, but they're Asian gymnasts, too -- Asian girls and women always look way younger than their real age. Still, I gotta call bullshit like everyone else. Keep in mind that I know what I'm talking about; thanks to the Japanese I've seen plenty of young Asian girls in the past few years so if anyone can figure it out it's me.
• And even though there was that one girl who looked extremely young(er), I didn't really appreciate the announcers continually referring to her as things like "the little one." There's lots of "little ones" out there; Shawn Johnson is 4'8" if you need her. Granted, a lot of the girls out there don't look like they just finished preschool, but the kid has a name for fuck's sake. Pretend you're professionals and use it.
• Just so you don't think I'm only focusing on the girls, I did watch as much of the men's finals as I could last night. Those guys are simply fucking amazing. On top of being completely mind-blowingly ripped, the shit that they accomplish with their strength... Damn.
• After one Japanese guy had a pretty lousy routine, the cameras caught him laughing and smiling a few minutes later. One of the announcers said something like "I never like to see that at the Olympics. Not after you've just had a routine like that." Look, I know it's the Olympics, and it's a big deal. I know it's the pinnacle of many of the sports that are represented at the Games. Furthermore, I'm not, and never will be, a former Olympian like some of these burnout announcers. But Jesus, it's fucking sports. It's not life and death. It's not like losing means you lose the cure for cancer. Oh, and god forbid any of them should have any fun out there, especially considering that for most it's a once-in-a-lifetime thing, maybe twice or more if you're double-plus good. If they do shitty and want to laugh it off, let them, and shut the fuck up bitter former Olympian.
• One more thing that I find really obnoxious: when girls are doing their uneven bars routine, why the fuck is there so often a coach standing there right by the bars watching her? Isn't that distracting to her? Like I always see Nastia Liukin's dad doing this. Dude, I know, you won a gold medal in gymnastics. Are you gonna do the routine along with her? Then sit the fuck down. The kid's got enough pressure as it is. Watch the film later or something.
• Bela Karolyi: awesome. He is just fun to watch. I think my favorite thing about him is how sometimes Costas will ask him a question and he'll just ignore it because he's got something else he wants to say. You could also tell by his body language and tone of voice just how bummed he was that the American girls didn't win tonight. There was one point where he was away from the desk and Costas pointed out that Karolyi would be back momentarily and you just know Karolyi was off camera hitting the sauce. And I love how he got in one last line about the Chinese girls and how "It's too bad they're all underage."
• I am pretty sure that with some of the maneuvers that those gymnasts perform they are actually turning themselves inside out (watch Johnson's beam routine for an example that just astounds me every single time where some does some kinda backflip upside-down somersault or some shit).
• Before I get into my last section, one more thing: why are artistic gymnastics over with so early? I mean like the girl's team all-around finals is one of the marquee events if not the marquee event... Why is it in the first week? You don't see the free skate in the first week during winter. Come to think of it I don't know why I would want to wait another week, but it just seems dumb from a scheduling perspective to me.

Alright, so to close out a post that got way longer than I thought it would, we gotta talk about the girl's finals tonight. You know I don't really take it hard like, say, Sasha getting silver since I don't have quite the same level of personal interest, but I was still hoping to see our girls do good. And they did do good; yeah no one wants silver when gold is in your grasp but Jesus. Obviously I don't know shit about gymnastics but I think the notion that our girls all but "personally handed" the Chinese the gold medal is crap. Those lil' Chinese kids were just better tonight. Or today. Or tomorrow. Or whatever the fuck. Either way, if you take away the major mistakes by the American girls I don't think that alone makes up the margin that China won by.

Anyway, more than anything I just feel bad for our girls. Of course, I pretty much feel bad for anyone who doesn't get gold in just about any event. I mean, unless they're some kind of prick or something; then it's just funny. But these people go out there and do shit that virtually no one else could do no matter how hard any of us tried, and somehow they come away feeling like losers for coming in second or whatever? That's fucked up. It's worse with gymnastics, though, where one simple mistake gets amplified beyond belief. Pretty much like skating, actually. I don't know why I have to latch on to the hardest to watch, most excruciating events at each Olympics. Ones that always end with young girls crying nonetheless.

Understandably, I feel worst for Alicia Sacramone. I can't really figure out why but I think she's my favorite on the team (and it's not even completely creepy for me -- for a change -- since she's 20). Relax, we're definitely not talking Sasha level here, but this is as close as it gets for these Games. It's the same as any other Summer Olympics though; I don't have the same zeal for them as the Sasha Olympics (not that you could tell from this post), but going back probably a couple decades (fuck... I'm old) every time the Summer Games are around I always latch on to one girl and she's always a gymnast. Well, who the fuck else am I gonna latch on to? A basketball player? Volleyball player? Please. They are mostly so tall as to be completely useless to me.

But yeah, this year, it looks like Alicia is the lucky one. I like how, with the understandable exception of post-beam tonight, she always looks like she's having fun out there. Obviously it does not hurt matters that she's a good-looking girl with a gymnast's body. Plus she has a cool name. And you gotta like the balls play of trying to do that mount for your beam routine. Yeah, the judges aren't gonna like it when it goes awry, but I still think that oughta count for something, especially when no one else tries it (or at least, as far as I know, since I got to see all of six beam routines). Sure, it's the Olympics and if you're gonna do it you gotta hit it, but still. At my Olympics things will be different. Anyway if anyone knew about this blog which they don't, I'm sure it would be an awesome consolation to Alicia to know that Random Asshole Blogger has got her back.

Sorry, Alicia. I know you'll pretty much blame yourself for quite some time, which is understandable but still sucks, but win or lose it was a team effort out there. And didn't you know that "team" is all about Michael Phelps's pursuit of eight gold medals in a single Olympics?

Only the cutest little girls allowed in the public eye; that's how the Politburo rolls.

Seriously, even with their track record, this could be the one of the more assholish things that China has done. What's sad is the real singer is cute too. Sure, not as cute as the other one, but c'mon, have a heart you red bastards.

Somehow there's gotta be a lawsuit in this. Probably against me.

GraphJam. Just go check it out. You know, I wouldn't have to keep linking these sites if you weren't a lazy douche and you'd just go click on all the affiliated sites at ICHC. Anyway, GraphJam has a lot of dull ones, but some are pretty funny. I think this is my favorite so far:

Genius sex offender of the week. If we set aside the whole "trying to have sex with 14-year-olds" thing (hey we all know I can understand wanting to do it; just don't do it), really, wearing a WWF "world's greatest dad" t-shirt is grounds enough for incarceration. And when I first read that story last night I thought the law was on my side, because the first sentence of that article originally read as follows:

A Michigan man has pleaded guilty to sex abuse after being accused of wearing a "World's Greatest Dad" shirt to meet for sex with someone he thought was a 14-year-old-girl.

Parse that sentence carefully. It's like wearing the t-shirt was an aggravating factor; you know, like something they'd say out loud at his arraignment when the charges were listed. OK, so the fact that it's WWF merchandise wasn't specifically mentioned, but you know it's there in spirit.

Well, here's another one: Totally Looks Like... A sampling:


Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force totally looks like Khalid Shaikh Mohammed



Flava Flav, rapper and reality television star totally looks like Stripe from Gremlins



Senator Fred Thompson totally looks like Vigo the Carpathian from Ghostbusters 2


And the most awesome one I've found yet:


Reporter Clark Kent totally looks like Superman

Yes, exactly

Dude calm down. I like looking at teenagers as much as the next guy but I'm pretty sure he busted a nut at least once while writing that article. And if I of all people am calling you out on this front then you should probably check yourself.

Gymnastics is about the only sport I can even come close to giving a fuck about at the Summer Olympics. It's no figure skating though, but of course that goes without saying because they don't have Sasha Cohen. Hell figure skating doesn't even have Sasha anymore since she's moving on to other areas of being fucking hot, but I do still enjoy the sport for what it is.

Even if I'm not as stoked, gymnastics, both men's and women's (women, right), can definitely be interesting to watch. For the men, here's me every time I'm watching one of them in competition: "Holy crap that guy's really strong." Then of course there are the "women" who never can be women because they trade going through puberty in exchange for awesome athletic ability (I found out at one point that I'm actually serious without knowing it when I say that, too). Watching them it's like, holy fuck. What they are, really, is just well-built little girls. I'm honestly not even sure I find that attractive -- stop laughing -- but either way you've gotta tip your hat to it.

Alright, so my 'blog has pretty much just degenerated into a site that's dedicated to linking picture caption sites. The latest is Pundit Kitchen, an ICHC-esque and ICHC affiliated site with a political slant.

I CAN HAS SHITTY BEER?

Man this post has been brewing for like two hours. And I nearly used the phrase "piss water" up there in the title but to use that phrase to refer to the star of this post is an insult to piss everywhere.

Budweiser is pretty much the worst shit ever invented. I drank a full Bud one time and it was pretty much the worst experience of my life. Provided it were moderately clean I would rather lick an asshole than drink another Scuzzweiser. Shit, even if it's not that clean there's still gonna be some debate as to whether I'm tossing a salad or tossing back a Bud. I'd say that I don't understand the swill's popularity but I do because I understand that people are dumb and have no taste.

"I was actually drinking a Bud Light when I heard, and I couldn't even finish it. That's the honest-to-God truth"

What? Why? This may be the dumbest fucking thing ever uttered. Are you such a racist douche that hearing news about foreigners taking over the brand somehow changed the taste mid-beer? Dude they're not even black. Did magical little Euro elves jump into your beer at that very moment and sour the taste? How do you sour that taste, anyway? If I were an optimist I could say that maybe the news made him critically analyze what he was putting into his mouth, making him realize "Hey! This tastes like shit!" Yeah. Optimist.

"I was proud to drink Budweiser, not any more"

What? Why? This may be the dumbest fucking thing ever uttered.

... who said the brew is "a great piece of American history."

Then American history is finally, officially, total shit.

And of course some asshole has to come up with a song:

"America is not for sale..."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

"All you hard-working Americans stand up and show some class," the song continues, "Have a drink with Mother Freedom, and tell InBev to kiss your glass."

Yeah, wow. Class. Toby Keith would be is proud. If you want to brew your own Budweiser (AKA puking in a glass), be sure to click the link and watch that d-bag sing his song.

"You don't mess with a good thing"

Nah, forget it, that one's too easy.

"I think there will be somewhat of a backlash; I would anticipate initially that people will be furious and stop drinking it. Maybe after six months, though, they'll switch back."

We can only hope that some of them will discover what actual beer tastes like in the meantime. Actually, no, fuck that. If you want to drink shit, fuck you. You deserve it.

"There's nothing inherently wrong with the taste of Budweiser.

...

"We've kind of lost a part of our history here and all across the United States," he said.

Shut the fuck up honky. It's freaking beer. EXCEPT THAT IT ISN'T.

There's no better way to close out this post than with one of my favorite jokes:

The leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Anheuser-Busch orders a Bud, the CEO of Miller gets a Miller, the head of Coors orders a Coors, and so on. Until it's Arthur Guinness's turn. He orders a soda.

"Why didn't you order a Guinness?" everyone asks.

Guinness replies, "If you guys aren't having beer, then neither will I."

FAIL

Over at ICHC I came across this one:




That then led me to this site. I don't know if you will laugh as hard as I did, but if you do then you will be in pain and crying.

There are quite a few funny ones there, but here are some math-related fails I felt that I needed to document. For instance, here's someone who thinks they know why we don't have more women in math & sciences:




Technically he did what was asked...




Yeah it gets that way sometimes (I could be wrong but I think this next one was stolen from somewhere; possibly XKCD):




And finally, some geometry:




I think what really makes that one is the potentially loaded "see me" statement.

I need to go find something else to do, because this is getting out of control.

I am just feeling it right now. No, I'm not beating off, but who else out there remembers SkiFree?

In case you are feeling the urge to maximize your "awwwwwwww" you can also check out Cute Overload. Whatever you do, don't read the captions, just look at the pictures. Nothing kills cute faster than stupid.

Oh yeah and while I'm keeping up my dork street cred I should post a link to LOLTrek, where somebody went and did the original Star Trek episode "The Trouble With Tribbles" LOL-style.

plz tel me u iz not postin bout dis

I don't know why I find lolcats so funny but I do. In fact, I don't need to know why it's funny, I just need to know that it's funny. Dumb, but entertaining. I go back and forth between laughing:




And "awwwwwwwwwwwww":




Quite possibly even better is that someone has taken this meme (I fucking hate that word and am ashamed I used it) and turned it into a programming language. No, that's not a typo. How the fuck could you make a typo like that anyway? Get off my ass.

Seriously, this is fucking hilarious. Here's the ubiquitous "Hello World":

HAI
CAN HAS STDIO?
VISIBLE "HAI WORLD!"
KTHXBYE

Mix in some file I/O:

HAI
CAN HAS STDIO?
PLZ OPEN FILE "LOLCATS.TXT"?
     AWSUM THX
          VISIBLE FILE
     O NOES
          INVISIBLE "ERROR!"
KTHXBYE

And of course we gotta be able to do basic flow control:

HAI
CAN HAS STDIO?
I HAS A VAR
IM IN YR LOOP
     UP VAR!!1
     IZ VAR BIGGER THAN 10? KTHX
     VISIBLE VAR
IM OUTTA YR LOOP
KTHXBYE

If you have read this far, and you are not a dork, you don't need to know why this is funny, you just need to know that it's funny. KTHXBYE

Quite possibly the best Slashdot sig ever:

Even Jesus hates listening to Creed.

When I read stories like this, I'm not exactly sure how to react. Okay, well if you've been here long enough, and I mean really really long enough (holy fuck it has been over five years), you know what my initial reaction is. Old FUCKING SERIAL KILLER DUDE lands himself a hot, way younger girl. I'm not banging 20-year-olds and I'm not even 30 yet, so why should he be? Okay maybe he technically isn't unless if he gets conjugal visits but you know what I mean.

On the other hand, holy Hell, why the fuck would I want a bitch that gorram stupid anyway?

You know those people who think they see the image of Jesus or Mary in random patterns and objects? Yeah don't ya just hate those ignorant cretins? Well at least they are good to make fun of.

The Lord or not that and nothing else will ever be able to top this:


That, of course, was ripped off from the late Crapmaster. After all these years (holy fuck it has been four years) the internet still sucks even more than it normally would without him around.

Finally, www.clownpenis.fart may become a reality.

Just to make sure we don't get too serious or anything, here's something mindless. A couple of days ago I came across a poll the Sun-Times is running, asking who's hotter, Cubs fans or Sox fans. You know, there's really not a whole lot better than a good-looking girl in Cubs gear. Unfortunately for us north-side faithful, by sheer numbers at least, the Sox apparently have us beat on this one. Well, either that or the hot Cub fans have something better to do than submit their pics to some ridiculous online poll. You know, like having sex.

Even if the numbers favor the Sox, quality always beats quantity. The world was set right when I came across this girl:


If for a moment we pretended that we live in a horrible world where the sailor schoolgirl uniform never existed, what you see above just might be the sexiest getup ever. Obviously a nice getup is wasted if what it's getting on isn't nice, but she's clearly got that taken care of. As if I really need an excuse to go, now I need to make a trip to Chicago to find this girl, since that wouldn't be, you know, A) difficult and B) creepy stalker shit.

Unfortunately, though, my new dreamgirl goes down in defeat once Soxman shows up:


You know what makes that extra sad? The guy on the left? Loser.

Saw this about a half hour ago. And yeah, that sucks. On one hand, though, I can't feel too bad. The guy had a helluva run. Denis Leary once referred to Carlin as "the Babe Ruth of comedy," and that's about as succinct as it gets. On the other hand, though, I got very sad for a moment when I thought about no more HBO specials, no more standup.

At this point a lot of people would say "rest in peace," but neither "rest" nor "peace" sound right for ol' George, and that's how it should be. But if there's an afterlife, which there isn't, I know Carlin is kickin' it with Twain and Lenny Bruce right now.