The endless stream of bullshit that will come from all the ninnies will of course be annoying, but I don't care. This is a pretty clever idea. No escaping that the stems out there are going to start spouting their "What about the children!" nonsense, of course (as they already have). I'm hoping Midway made this game with the specific intent of pissing all those fuckers off.

That's the dangerous message: Drugs are OK, just don't overdo it.

Uhhh, isn't that true? Okay, I'll admit that I'm not really up to speed (no pun intended) when it comes to illegal drugs, but I know there's plenty of stuff out there that's just fine in moderation. Sure, some stuff you probably don't want in any amount, but the same can be said about legal shit, too. It's all nonsense anyway, and it's not like I'm breaking new ground with this. Liquor, cigarettes, and prescription drugs are okay, but that other stuff isn't. Alright.

As a quick aside, I really want to develop a prescription drug habit someday, because that strikes me as being the real high-class drug addition, and as we all know I'm down with yuppie crap.

"Prozac doesn't want to go up against marijuana it will lose."
- Bill Maher

"You get high?"
"I should start."
- Jay and Dante, Clerks

And this isn't really a quote, but Carlin's album Toledo Window Box.

Then, of course, there are these searches:

track, fuck,sugar

What?

Time to party like it's 1399

Okay, so I suppose we should get this over with. You know what I'm talking about. It's been over a day since those 115 senile motherfuckers failed to elect me Pope. Yuk it up, assholes; Pope Queer will have his day.

The Church is now under the control of an old, ignorant white man. Wow, these past few weeks were really worth it. I'm glad we put up with all that bullshit for the heaping mountain of change that we got dumped upon us yesterday. Actually, I should keep my mouth shut, since the new Pope could be a big change -- for the worse. Not sure how much worse we can get than a culture of rampant, unchecked pedophilia, women being below men, pushing the notion that condoms help spread AIDS, and oh-so-much more, but I have faith that the Catholic Church can pull it off.

I at least have no immediate qualms with him choosing the name Benedict. I hope that the next pope -- assuming it's not me -- takes the name "Arnold." But maybe that's just me.

If you want to hear a bunch of blithering idiots talking about this with a couple of unhappy worshippers mixed in, check out this shit. Also: Ratzinger looks stupid in his Pope hat.

People like this need to be shot. Seriously, if you're that fucking stupid, we don't need you.

Okay, you need to go check this out. Don't let the URL you're seeing as your mouse hovers over it scare you -- just trust me. Had this site e-mailed to me by (apparently) the runner of this site.

As we all know, about the only music I buy nowadays is either techno or game/anime soundtracks. I think I've ourgrown the need for the vast majority of lyrics, along with dumbass instruments that you can play. I wanna hear the result of someone punching fuckin' buttons, goddammit. Anyway, someone pointed me in the direction of Digitally Imported. I've been listening to the stream of the trance channel, and it's pretty neat. I'm always happy to find a new source for the electronic noise I crave.

"You know what else I'm sick of? Songs. There's too many of 'em"
- Carlin

Favorite phrase of the moment: cockblocking. The whole "wingman" thing has gotten old, however, mostly thanks to one fucking beer commercial.

Google search:

hot chick with rsx

I can promise you it won't be the Type-S.

Google search:

Gearshift Fuck

I don't think there's a (straight) guy alive who hasn't thought about and been intrigued by the idea of chicks fucking the gearshift lever in a car. Pragmatic and ergonimic issues aside, you just can't help but think to yourself oneday "Hmmm..." Now that I've revisited this, though, I'm thinking that it's not so hot. I mean, I really don't want to have my shifter getting all messy like that. I'm not sure if this is indicative of an improvement or a degredation in my thought processes.

It does what NintenDon't

Another game we busted out last night was Sonic The Hedgehog 2, part of the Sonic clusterfuck that you can buy nowadays for various systems. I haven't touched that game in years so I was sucking it up and couldn't get past the Metropolis Zone, thanks to those goddamn praying mantises and fucking Lobstra. Still, that level has quite possibly the coolest background music ever. It's right up there with the music for the first stage of Blaster Master. The Chemical Plant Zone's music is fucking harsh, too, but I'm not linking it because I've done enough for you as it is.

Just to pass on a link, this page has a bunch of MP3s from a handful of games. You have to go into their forums to get a username/password, but it's pretty painless (just click the post with the most recent date).

Also, does it fuck with anyone else that Sega now makes games that you can play on Nintendo?

Speaking of Google searches...

zebra cum comedy

Okay, maybe they were looking for something related to the Lewis Black line that I was referencing, but you really never know with people out there.

Longtime readers with a decent memory will recall the search engine hits I've gotten for "Thundercats porn." I got one of those hits today, and I found this as a result. It's completely fucking ridiculous, and I just had to laugh. My favorite line:

Next there is the fact that the main character spent most of his time with a ripped black guy who always wore tights and drove a convertible, the archetype bull queer.

Such a stupid statement that it's funny. I don't see how fitting that profile makes you any kind of gay archetype. Sure, a guy wearing tights can be pretty gay, but being a ripped black guy who drives a convertible? Huh? Nevermind the fact that Panthro wasn't a "black guy" but a talking bipedal cat who was voiced by someone that everyone just assumes was black. Also, what the hell is a "bull queer"? I've heard the phrase "bull dyke," but I didn't know there was a general category for "bull queers." I really can't keep up with the homophobic lexicon, 'ya know?

Then there was this:

First off we must consider the fact that there was a planet inhabitated by a maximum of two women and one of them was probably twelve

Okay, only a moron who doesn't know 80s cartoons made for boys would say something like this. Any of the good shows back then had one or two token female characters, and that's it. Now, I'm not saying that the lack of female characters was a big contributor to the quality of said shows, but if you want to read something sexist into my statement, you go right ahead since everyone knows I hate women anyway. Seriously, though, those shows never had a strong female presence since young boys really don't give a crap about girls at that stage in life.

I'm reminded of that fact more and more, like last night when ETP and I were playing Total Carnage, part of Midway Arcade Treasures 2. Carnage is the sequel to Smash TV, an experience that can only be described as "low-impact gaming," especially with unlimited continues. Anyway, as I was playing Carnage, I realized that the game was nothing but a 12-year-old boy's wet dream. With all the cheering and hollering as you run around in a war zone shooting your guns off, coupled with some weak-ass plotline involving aliens and a script drenched in juvenile humor, I was like, yeah, young boys masturbate to this shit. I furthermore noted that the game could have been much more interesting if 12-year-old boys had more of an interest in 12-year-old girls, but you apparently don't learn to appreciate them until it's illegal.

Okay, as always, I got way off track, but someone brought up 12-year-old girls, and I'm expected (and conditioned) to respond to that. Anyway, part of me is thinking that whoever originally posted the "Thundercats are gay" thing did so as a joke. But the rest of me knows that people are stupid, so it could go either way. It wouldn't be the first time that someone has actually had retarded thoughts like this about cartoon characters or puppets. I could see if these fuckers were attacking something like yaoi, because, yeah, that's gay (even though it's targeted at and consumed primarily by female audiences). But no, they're getting off over Teletubbies or Bert and Ernie since homophobes are nothing but a bunch of brain stems.

I'm kinda hoping that Thundercats was gay, though, because then it totally flies in the face of mainstream conservative thought (kind of an oxymoron, really). I was a huge Thundercats fan when I was little, and I only turned out a little gay. I love shopping and decorating and such, but personally never got into the whole "sex with other men" thing. Well, there was that buttfucking incident between ETP and I in the park. Plus there's all that, uh, fuck it. Thundercats made me gay.

A mountain of cocaine. The article I really don't care about, but just needed to post it so I could make a joke that virtually no one will get.

Spam:

WANT TO SEE THE DIFFERNCE LOSING 100 POUNDS CAN MAKE?PP

Uh, no, not really. I'm not quite sure, but I'm guessing 30 isn't a healthy weight for me. I'd like to see BOETP try this plan, because I wonder what a person is like when they weigh -96 lbs.

Okay, I'm sorry to have to bring this up here, but I need to make a comment about the Michael Jackson ordeal. Can we take the parents of the boy who originally accused Jackson of molesting him (and who was later paid off) and put them on trial for being the worst parents ever? A grown (and ostensible) man is fucking crying to sleep in the same bed as your young son. I dunno about anyone else, but I think that would send up a few flares in my mind.

By the fall of 1993, the mother testified she became concerned.

Way to clue in, bitch. Shouldn't it be a concern way, way earlier when an older, uh, man (it really is hard to say that since we don't know what the fuck Michael is anymore) is sleeping with your son? Or when he's giving you money and gifts and taking you on trips and shit? The buttering up your family while sleeping with your son probably aren't related or anything. And, oh, fuck, I shouldn't have used the phrase "buttering up," because now I didn't need that. But neither did you, so at least I'm not alone. Anyway, I don't know what I consider a bigger crime; being dumb enough to fall for that so someone could molest your son, or being someone who allowed themselves to be bought off so that their son could be molested. The way I see it, they're guilty of at least one of those two things. And, hey, they did take cash for eventually dropping their suit against Jackson.

Yes, I know, allegedly. Nothing's been proven yet, blah blah blah. But hasn't Michael Jackson admitted that he sleeps in the same bed with little boys? He either said that he did it or that he thinks it would be ok to do it. If he actually has admitted to doing it, that's at least really weird if not completely fucking illegal. Like I've said before, Michael needs to go away because he's for sure guilty of creeping me the fuck out. Or you know what? Maybe Carlin was right when he was talking about how we should just let some really talented people off the hook: "I don't care if he freaked off with a couple of kids. Let the man dance."

Yahoo search:

mothers i'd like to fuck

Okay guys, you know what? The MILF thing? It's over. Has been for a long time. This was amusing for about six seconds when it originally came up in American Pie, and that's about it. Time for this fucking phrase to quit showing up in my referral log.

Get your Catholicism on

Okay, so we watched the pope's funeral last night. And, yeah, it's pretty much what I'd expect from the Catholics. Unnecessarily drawn out nonsense. Towards the end of the ceremony, there was some involvement by a bunch of guys with long beards who were wearing colorful outfits. The "announcer" from Vatican TV was of no use whatsoever in telling us who they were, and we were pretty sure ZZ Top wouldn't get to be involved with the pope's funeral. Our curiosity led to a couple of things.

First, we had to go find out who the fuck those guys were. Even though all of the ceremonial robes and whatnot are goofy to differing levels, those old dudes kinda had it going on. We ended up having to do over an hour of searching online to finally find out that they were from the Eastern Rite Churches. From the sounds of it, that group of Churches has their own set of rules and whatnot and basically picks and chooses what they want to follow coming from the Vatican, but they're still somehow associated with the Roman Catholic Church.

In our search for pictures and a description of who the hell those guys were, we came across Catholic Online. This site definitely gets "humor site of the week" honors. First off is the Catholic Singles section. I'm sorry, that's just funny. Next up is the Hitler Catholic Youth section, which yielded another veritable treasure trove of material, most notably the Saints Fun Facts page. Now, to imply that there could be anything fun in learning about Saints is comic gold on its own, but just look at some of that stuff. Cartoon depictions of saints coupled with short blurbs talking about Jesus and miracles and other fictional stuff? That's funny.

Now we come to the pièce de résistance: Catholic Shopping. You have not been shopping until you've gone out perusing boring, hackneyed trinkets that profess your faith in Him. Runner up for best product goes to this company making partial resin dolls of saints. The best product, however, was this company, which makes hilarious stuffed toys of saints and other figures. And only a hundred bucks each! Oh, and those pictures of the little girls playing with their stuffed saints are priceless.

You know, this reminds me of something I've been meaning to buy for years: a set of biblical action figures from Train Up A Child, Inc. Could there be a worse name than that for a company, or is it just me? Apparently it's taken from a line in the Bible, but that only makes it stupider. Anyway, the thing about their action figures, is that they used to have them segregated into two classes: Caucasian Heritage Series and African Heritage Series. The African Heritage Series had, as you might imagine, black versions of all the figures. That's right, back in the day you could buy yourself a Black Jesus. We always wanted to buy both a black and a white Jesus so we could pit them against one another in a diorama with one of them saying "This time we finish it... There can be only one!" The fucked up thing is, when I first went to that page today, it was showing the black series, but now it's just showing the goddamn white ones. I don't know if there's something screwed up with my browser or their site, but whatever. You get the idea.

Okay, so after a foray into way too many Christian web pages, let's get back on with some other trivial nonsense. As we were trying to figure out who ZZ Top was, we got to thinking: you know, we could turn this into a great competition. Yea, who wouldn't be down with Catholic cosplay? You could have guys running around in cardinal outfits and pope hats, and the girls running around in schoolgirl outfits and nun outfits. Now, I know what you're saying. Sure, the guys' costumes are colorful and shit, and the schoolgirl thing is obvious, but nuns? Where's the appeal there? C'mon, dude. Have you forgotten that all nuns are strippers?

So, with an idea for a religious dress-up extravaganza in mind, we could probably turn it into a full-blown event. And what should we call our event? What else? CathliCon.

Yup. Not really much more that needs to be said about that. You help shield pedophiles, and then after some relatively minor embarassment you get a cushy job and end up in a position to be officiating at something considered important. Man, I've gotta get me some of that power stuff, since it not only allows you to be a fuckoff and get away with it, but it allows you to be a fuckoff who can further his career.

They should just get things over with and appoint Law as the next pope. It'd make for a nice final slap in the face to all those molestation victims. Hey, tell me it wouldn't be consistent with how those pieces of shit in the Church behave. It just can't be said enough: fuck the Catholic Church.

It's also been almost amusing to be reminded how political the Church is. It's not just about all that Jesus and praying bullshit, it's also about all of the nonsnse we're accustomed to with government. No wonder the two groups get along so well.

This could be pretty neat. Oh, and at least now we have an official announcement that we can bitch about when it doesn't show up.

I can't stand those shitty little Mini Coopers, but this is pretty funny. I don't care if BMW owns Mini, they're not Bimmers and those things are way too small and look dumb. I know what you're saying, at least if you're a woman (as usual, I'm taking one case and using that to generalize): "But they're so cute!" Yeah, fuck that. Women get all excited for small cars, but they're down on small men and small penises? Fucking women.

I knew there was another reason I was looking forward to the pope dying: The Onion.

"Healthy as a horse." What's with that phrase? Not all horses are healthy. Some of them are so "healthy" that they have to be taken out back and shot. Then they get turned into glue. I'd rather be unhealthy, thanks.

Now, "strong like bull" I can kinda understand. Well, until he gets his nuts chopped off to make Rocky Mountain oysters. Probably doesn't feel too stong then. I know I wouldn't. Shit, I don't feel particularly strong with my nuts. Okay, bedtime.

Here's mine... It looks like Vietnam.

Sorry to drop a bad pun on you, but I read this earlier, and it had me seeing red. Seriously, any parent getting upset over this needs to have some red pens shoved in their goddamn eyes. HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT RED INK, FUCKER?!

Should I be using color more in this 'blog? I think that could get annoying, and I'm not sure if that's a pro or a con.

Anyway, back to dumbass parents. Look, if your kid is getting all depressed because there's always a bunch of red ink all over their schoolwork after their teacher hands it back to them, maybe it's time to tell them to stop being so stupid. I mean, honestly. Can't we do anything any more that makes people feel bad? Even if the intentions are good? Which, of course, isn't as much fun as when the intentions are bad, but that's a discussion for another time.

"It's taken a turn from 'Here's what you need to improve on' to 'Here's what you've done right.'"

That right there is everything that's wrong with America. Or, at least, everything that's wrong with "optimism." By focusing on nothing but positives, you're never going to get anyone to work on the negatives. And then they'll just fester and explode on you someday. It's not pleasant having to deal with something you screwed up, but it has to be done if there's ever to be any growth. If you can't handle being told "you done fucked up" when you're young, then you will never survive in the adult world.

Am I saying that we should always focus on only the negatives because I'm a cynical bastard who likes that shit? No, of course not. It's just that focusing on the good stuff is easy, so it comes naturally. But you don't really improve on anything or learn anything by only looking at the silver lining.

You've been to Despair, Inc. before, haven't you? Their Demotivators collection is pretty much one of the best things ever,

"I don't think changing to purple or green will make a huge difference if the teaching doesn't go along with it."

Thank you... Even focusing on red ink is just -- again, sorry -- a red herring that's avoiding the real issues (like the issue that your kid is dumb). That there actually is one of the biggest problems with this country -- we never want to get to tackling the really hard issues, so we find something peripheral (like video games with violence or pornography with rape) and focus entirely on that. Meanwhile, we fail to get to the root cause of what we're discussing, and nothing ever gets better.

So I don't know if any of you heard this, but the pope died this past weekend. CNN apparently didn't get word of it until just recently, and even then it was a short blurb that I really had to dig for. I suppose this is what I get for continually saying that I just wanted the pope to die already. This is like Reagan fucking dying but on a global scale.

I was thinking, though, I really wish I could become pope. There's the obvious perk of having ultimate job security. Sure, I could end up old and broken down and totally fucked up like John Paul II, but if that were the case, you know what? I'd just quit. There was lots of talk about JP Two resigning recently, so it must be an option. I have never been one to be above copping out.

How cool would it be having tons of people kissing my ass and pretty much worshipping me? I know there are some hot Catholic bitches out there, and that'd be fucking neat. Then, of course, there's the whole Catholic schoolgirl thing, and we for sure would work that in there somehow. Or constantly.

I know what you're saying. "Dude, the pope doesn't get to have sex." And I'm like, yeah, how exactly does that differ from my life right now? Do they monitor the pope's internet usage? As long as I can download porn and masturbate chatting to "girls" on IRC, I'm good. I mean, what the hell are they gonna do? Tell me to stop? I'm the FUCKING POPE, and I can do whatever the hell I want. I could probably just make some papal decree saying that I get to download pr0n and fuck women, anyway.

Another great advantage would be having control over millions and millions of people. Sure, they're stupid people, but that would only serve to make fucking with them that much more fun. Once elected pope, I'd immediately begin the fucking in choosing my name. Something like Pope Liberal I. Or Pope Bimmer. Or, oh, this is the best -- Pope Queer.

That, of course, would be merely the beginning. Newly crowned Pope Queer would then proceed to require the Cardinals to shed their red robes and caps for pink ones. The next several years, and hopefully decades, of my reign would be spent destroying all of the things that Catholics apparently think are so great about their religion by doing things like allowing sex to be fun, advocating a stance that contraception and abortion aren't half bad ideas in a world with disease and already billions of people, pointing out that gays are normal human beings, and enforcing the notion that women are there to be more than just subservient to men (except for me). Oh, and if you're caught molesting choir boys, you die.

Oh, and don't even start in with me. "Roman Catholics don't think women are subservient!" Give me a fucking break. Anyone who does things like exclude women from clubs (priesthood) clearly views them as being below men. "So why is it that so many women are Catholic, you heathen shit?" Ummm, because they're dumb? Same goes for anyone who gets on board with a group that scorns who they are. And really, how can you get on board and stay on board with a group that is soft on pedophiles? Granted, I'm soft on pedophile jokes and am kind of a pedophile myself, but I have to draw the line at people who actually molest children. Assuming, of course, that the child didn't want it in the first place. See? Tasteless joke, but it didn't hurt anyone.

Okay, so for pretty much all the above mentioned stuff, not to mention the entire rest of my life, I will never get to be pope. But a man can dream, can't he?

All I can say is that the next pope had better not choose a lame-ass name. No, ETP, we're not getting a Pope Corky, no matter who gets tapped for a job. I just don't want to see another Pope Innocent. Out of all the Popes in history, I hate those motherfuckers the most. That, to me, is the same presumptuous, pretentious shit that leads people to name their daughters "Chastity" or "Charity" (although I do find it funny to think that once a girl named Chastity has sex, she's automatically a total failure in life). The popes who chose the name Pius also piss me off. No, it's not "pious," but it sounds the same and that annoys me. Pius can get in line right behind Innocent for a good cock punching. The next pope will be an ignorant fucker who has way too much influence over, well, everything, but all I ask is that he not choose a stupid name. Not like it matters, but I figure it's small enough that it's something I can reasonably hope for.

Just as a quick aside, I learned at least one new thing today. The guy who came just before John Paul II got to be pope for all of 33 days, which I found kinda interesting. Just some random trivia for 'ya, since we all know how useful that shit is.

I've also been re-acquainting myself with how fucking goofy religion is. Not just Catholicism or the rest of Christianity, but religion in general. Catholics are getting it bad now since they're at the plate, plus they always get it just because. But man, all of the stupid bullshit ceremonies and pageantries and centuries-old rituals that they have to go through with the passing of the pope is ridiculous. Having been to a Catholic wedding in my lifetime ("let us pray"), this comes as no surprise. But the litany of ceremonies and weird words and dumbass titles is just fucking retarded. How exactly does this get you closer to Jesus?

The other thing I find pathetic is all of the people who are really broken up over the pope dying. All over the world you have people praying and crying. And for what? Some guy you never knew? I've never understood this tendency to get upset over people you don't know. You know, I can see being a little bummed out, but bawling your eyes out? Grow the fuck up, would 'ya? Of course, I suppose if you actually grew up, you'd drop the whole religion thing to begin with.

So yeah, that's it. I just thought I'd counter the barrage of stupid pope crap with some of my own stupid crap.