Thursday, January 29, 2004

Contrary to what he'd like physics to have you believe, "Joementum" is not conserved

Lieberman clearly hasn't played any Grand Theft Auto, else he'd have a better idea as to how things go down in that game. When killing women in GTA, you don't always go about things by "pushing her to the ground, kicking her repeatedly and then ultimately killing her, shooting her over and over again." You don't need to do all that to kill a woman. Sometimes you just shoot her, and you don't necessarily have to do it over and over again - a good shotgun blast will take her out immediately. Other times a sturdy golf club will do the trick. Typically, you don't even have to push her down - the weak-kneed bitch will just drop when you hit her or shoot her. And you're not always rewarded, Joe - sometimes the poor piece of crap isn't carrying any money. That always fucking pisses me off. It's bad enough if I'm wasting time in the presence of those vile creatures we call "women," but if I'm going to murder one of them senselessly in virtual streets, she had better drop some goddamn cash.

This is, of course, neglecting the fact that the focus of the GTA series isn't killing women. That just sounds good when you're pandering to an audience of women. It's also about killing policemen. And drug dealers. And other thugs. And random innocent people on the streets. It's about money. And doing drugs. IT'S A FUCKING GAME ABOUT THE MOB. Kinda like The Sopranos, only interesting but with no hotties like Meadow.

Grand Theft Auto: Vice City is horrendous, all right. Horrendously good. Jesus fucking Christ is that a fun game. I've been playing a ton of it this week. GTA3 is a fucking good game, too, but my video game ADHD kicked in and I punted on it, but I'll be getting back to it for sure.

Of all the hours I've logged this week, a good chunk of it wasn't even running mob missions - it was mostly just running around perpetrating general malfeasance. My favorite thing in the GTA series is running vigilante missions. Christ, those are fun. I could do those all day. "Your time as a law enforcer is up!" How funny is that shit?

Fucking with the cops is fun, too. Sometimes I'll just run around and see how high of a warrant level I can build up. I've gotten it up to five stars. That's fun shit, what with the FBI in their black SUVs joining in the hunt to take you down.

Yes, the GTA series is violent. We're a culture that likes violence. The thing is, most of us are able to distinguish fantasy from reality. I can guarantee you that everyone out there has thought about killing someone at some point. Someone pisses you off to the point where you at least say "I wanna fucking kill that guy." That doesn't mean that you go off and kill that person. In fact, I think that if you haven't thought about killing someone at least once, then you have anger issues.

I remember after I first played GTA3, I went out driving the next day. And I was thinking to myself, "man, I've got the urge to run some red lights and run over pedestrians on the sidewalk." Doesn't mean I actually fucking went and did it. Why? Because I'm not that fucked up, that's why. The same goes for most anyone else who plays GTA or any other violent video game for that matter. This further extends to people who watch violent movies or get off with porn. Even violent porn, where the violence is simulated. There's nothing wrong with having a fucked up imagination, so long as that fucked up-edness stays in your mind. For some people, it doesn't stay in their minds, because there's something else completely separate from GTA that was already broken inside their minds. For the rest of us, though, we can partake in different kinds of socially maladjusted escapsim, and we and those around us are in no danger.

Oh, except for when it comes to dealing with Haitians. I hate them and I am going to kill them, because the game says to. I LISTEN to what Grand Theft Auto tells me to do.

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