Don't breathe this

The internet has given us a lot of pointless yet highly amusing shit to waste our lives with, and this is something else to add to that pile. Hit the link to the video and check out the Barbies along with some of the other "don't try this at home" vids. If those are real then that shit's harsh, and if those don't cause you to fear and respect the Blendtec blender, I don't know what will.

Cheerleaders are just dancers who have gone retarded

And now for your viewing enjoyment I present a slideshow* of a high-school cheerleader getting hit on the head with a basketball. Unfortunately, no, you can't discern if any of them are hot, but you do get the added surrealness of seeing it happen in slow-mo as you click through the slides.

Since I brought it up in the title, if you haven't seen Bring it on and you've got nothing better to do, go for it. It's not what one would call stellar filmmaking, but it's better than you might expect.

EDIT: I am an unobservant retard and did not see the link to a video just below the sideshow. Of course I can't watch the video anyway since I insist on using an OS where shit doesn't work, but apparently there is some amusement value in that associated video.

Take it all

I'm pretty sure that every time I release a set of searches into the wild I have to qualify it with some sort of complaint about how the searches just aren't good anymore. But I have seriously been checking my logs for the past couple months and there has been all but jack shit in there that amused me. I have tried to set the bar at a minimum of ten new items from searches and spam before I post these but it's just not happening so I'm gonna let this one blow prematurely.

Spam:

Your sexual life will be an example for others.

It already is, asshole.

naked pics of jake plummer

Dude, if he's got the hobo beard going, it's gonna be like one of those fuckin' "evolution of man" posters.

as a muslim is it wrong to mastubate

Not if you do it facing Mecca. Nah, not true. I think it's wrong to do anything fun if you're Muslim. The same goes if you're sufficiently devout in any other of those ridiculous religions.

how to stay in love with a man with pointy balls

I don't know what's weirder about this one -- the thought of balls being pointy or the notion of said balls being a reason to not stay in love with someone.

prayer for teenage girls dealing with hormones

I just... I just dunno what to say about this one. I mean, it's teenage girls, and hormones, and I wanna make like a million jokes and inappropriate comments, but this is so fucking stupid that it just has to be left alone.

Nancy Pelosi tits boobs

I know, you didn't need that image, but I've been getting a ton of hits like this so now you get to suffer too. Why are so many of you fuckers searching for this? Isn't she like 66 years old? STOP THAT. Yeah, I know, I'm just gonna get like a billion more hits on this now, but I am fed up and needed to vent.

does killing someone for coveting my wife send me to hell

That is a very good question. I'd have to say that the penalties offset -- you just replay the down.

The Sailor Schoolgirl site is sportin' a couple of updates for those with issues like mine.

Both arms?

I don't think I'd really worry too much. Women are still gonna want their sparkly things. And that's fine, that's not a crackback, we've all got our addictions.

Okay, maybe things are more fucked up when it comes to the diamond trade as opposed to other things. But c'mon. I get so tired of people picking and choosing the things they wanna be principled about. Christ only knows all of the atrocities that go down to bring us many of the other products that we all love. You know, then there's the fact that a lot of us live pretty good lives but collectively we don't give too much of a fuck about the rest of the world. If you want to be principled about diamonds, that's cool -- but you'd better not stop there if you're gonna get on your high horse about it.

Sex offenders have officially run out of excuses.

Defense attorney Richard Yetter said his client was not articulate and may not have been doing a good job of conveying his rationale to the judge.

You're always in pretty solid shape when your lawyer has to step in and basically say "You'll have to excuse my client, your honor... He's an idiot." Great defense you had going there, chief.

Despite being what most would term "an asshole," I'm paradoxically all about cute things. And you know, up to a point, I'm OK with things like PDA (and no, not Palm Pilots). But seriously, the line has gotta be drawn somewhere, and this goes well beyond that line.

Wow, I dunno if I've ever gone this long without making a post. And if I have, it's been awhile. Sorry, world, I'm not dead yet. I do realize that I'm going to die someday, but I am still my fucking khakis.

So let's get things rolling by talking about someone else who we'd all forgotten about, Michael Richards. First off, when his name first showed up in the headlines, I was like many people -- "Who?" Sad that his name was meaningless at the outset considering that he played one of the most iconic characters in TV history.

You know what, though? I think it's fantastic when racist assholes spew their garbage. The more they do it, the better, I say. Well, within limits of course -- as long as it's not inciting killings or riots and shit. But within those limits I'm down because then we know exactly who the racist dipshits are. It's just much more honest. We know who they are and we know where they're at.

Like with anything there's a flipside, and I of course end up annoyed when someone does this because we know that we're now on the express train to Insincerity Junction. Whenever someone gets off a blast like this, there is the inevitable stream of bullshit apologies that follows. Apologies that they don't mean and are only saying as part of the normal damage control routine. Obnoxiously, it always has to go beyond the perpetrator:

"This is one thing we don't tolerate. ... I personally apologize. I apologize from my heart," Masada said Monday.

Why are you apologizing, lady? You didn't do anything. Well, other than let him back on stage after saying you don't tolerate that. But with regards to apologizing for the words of someone else, which they controlled and you didn't -- insincere, ineffective nonsense.

"Freedom of speech has its limitations and I think Michael Richards found those limitations."

Clear and present danger just called, and it's telling you you're an idiot. Michael Richards isn't going to jail over this. He was still well within First Amendment bounds, you stem.

Another thing I found offensive:

Richards retorts: "Shut up! Fifty years ago we'd have you upside down with a fucking fork up your ass."

Okay, two things, the first being the fact that I have to de-censor CNN. Second, if you can step aside from the racism for a minute, that joke isn't even funny. Shit, it really doesn't even make sense. If you are going to make racist jokes at least make sure they're funny. And yes, you know that racist jokes can be funny, you fucking Chuwero. Every last one of us has made and laughed at racist jokes. No, we're not cool for it, but it happens.

"I think it's a career ruiner for him. ... It's going to be a long road back for him, if at all."

I really don't know why people even bother saying shit like this.

Then, there is the other side, which manages to piss me off too:

The protesters also demanded an apology from the Laugh Factory.

What a bunch of whiny crybabies. You have nothing better to do than protest against this nonsense? And what is an apology from the comedy club going to do? It does about as much as praying.

Look, I'm not trying to trivialize this. But there's always a loss of perspective on the bigger picture when it comes to these things. Although he's certainly guilty of overreaction at times as well, Al Sharpton put it well:

"Last Monday I was on the stage in Washington where they broke the ground for the Martin Luther King monument. It showed us how far we have come. Then by the end of the week, his tirade shows us how far we still have to go."

Yes, exactly. Although we are a long ways away from minorities being upside down with forks in their asses, things are still not exactly great. There's still plenty of racism, sexism, homophobia, what have you, floating around out there to show that we're not as enlightened as we'd like to be.

What I really wish people would do when someone goes Michael Richards or Mel Gibson is just ignore them. Okay, maybe give them a punch in the nuts (or somewhere else if nuts are not available on the asshole in question), call them a fuck-off, and then just ignore them. All the protesting and bickering and apologizing doesn't do anything at all to change the situation. The racist asshole will still be a racist asshole, but at least they're up front about it, so we can just stay away if we so desire.

In closing, a quote from Carlin on racist speech and the use of the word "nigger":

"We don't mind when Richard Pryor or Eddie Murphy uses it. Why? Because we know they're not racists. They're Niggers!"

That whole bit of Carlin's is pretty solid because it points out how the words -- just the words themselves -- are pretty benign, because words don't do actually do anything. No, it's the actions (yes Meatwad, with actions!) of racist assholes that really matter. If they just wanna talk, though, let them talk. We don't have to listen.

Ha ha ha, you stupid fuckers. Just to see the Republicans and the right moping around and making excuses and just generally being losers is hilarious. How does it feel, dooshe?

"Bush wants to go back to the Texas model. He's always reached out. He's been trying over the last couple of years with limited success," Snow said.

I think you mean "He's been trying over the last couple of years with limited trying." He hasn't tried because he hasn't had to. I know it, you know it, hell, dogs know it. This is just so funny that they have to try and pretend like it's all OK and shit. I can't wait to hear the slew of Republican leaders talking about how they are "looking forward" to working with the new congress. You know politicians are really dreading something when they talk up how they're looking forward to it.

And how about Santorum? San fucking torum. If nothing else yesterday was worth it to see him go down in flames. Katherine Harris too, that fucking bitch. I know, it's not like they're gonna go away entirely, but it's pretty solid progress.

So, the country's gonna be all better now, right? Well, not really. Let us not forget that the Democrats are a bunch of do-nothing dumbasses. This election was theirs to lose, and I'm still amazed that they didn't totally fuck it up. But at least now we might have a little bit of balance. We might have the semblance of some debate while most Americans are still getting fucked in the ass. If nothing else, we've got ourselves a change of scenery.

Of course, the shit isn't over. It's now a pre-req in this country that every election have something be really close so that we get a bunch of shit about recounts and fraud and lawsuits and blah blah blah. This time it looks as if we get it 2x with Virginia and Montana. Yay.

Somebody explain to me how "Macaca" manages to survive to the point where he's still got a 50/50 shot at keeping his job. I'm just asking.

I'm hoping this Senate shit gets sorted out soon, but it won't. Either way, let's hope it swings the D way so that the government will maybe just get locked up for the next couple years as Bush and the Democrats fight it out. Hey, no movement is better than going completely fucking backwards like we've been doing under Bush. And Bush has gotta be shitting himself over the notion of no longer having a rubber-stamp congress backing him, which is as funny as it is a relief. Maybe a few more Republicans will even grow balls and not kiss Bush's ass because they don't have to. I know, I know, probably not gonna happen. I'm such an optimist that I just can't help it sometimes.

Actually, the big reason I want the Senate not under Republican control is because of judicial nominees. Let's not forget that Team Bush has done a decent job of working things towards the right with that branch of government, and once people are in place there it's not as simple as an election every few years to get some changes going.

Being me, I've gotta find some more things to complain about. I do find myself kinda pissed that Democrats and liberals all over the country are gonna be gloating today. I'm just, like, don't get too excited. Like I said, this was your election to lose. You had every reason to pull this out, and if you didn't, wow, you suck. It's like an abusive parent that finally starts taking care of their kids. Sure, you deserve some credit for getting things right, but it shouldn't have taken this long. What do you want, a cookie? On top of that, don't forget that you've got a lot of work and a long road ahead of you.

Oh, and of course, it's not all good news. A bunch of states passed measures banning gay marriage, which is ridiculous even if not unexpected. We are enlightened so hard.

Alright, so that's it. New shit, different day. I leave you with one of my all-time favorite quotes from Lewis Black, who came up with the most brilliant and succinct way of explaining politics in this country:

"You see, in our two-party system, the Democrats are the party of no ideas and the Republicans are the party of bad ideas."

Alright, so it doesn't take a genius to see that the whole cosmetic surgery thing is out of control. You only need to know some of the basics of Botox to realize that this society has lost it's fucking mind. And while the following doesn't surprise me in the end, I was momentarily taken aback by it at first:

Women have toes shortened to fit into stilettoes.

This is a bad idea in so many ways. I mean, aside from the obvious. The foot fetishist in me is definitely appalled by this. You could very well be ruining a very nice set of toes for this nonsense. Then there's the fact that I don't particularly care for the look of those really pointy shoes anyway. In the words of Oak Express, that's not natural. Shoes with a more rounded toe are much cuter in my opinion.

I guess the operation would be pretty efficient, though. I can see this getting done in a few seconds with one good swipe of a meat cleaver.

But yeah, all this artificial beauty nonsense has got to stop. And when I'm in charge, it will. Of course, what ensues in this post will help ensure that I'm never in charge, because it's going to piss off pretty much everyone on both sides. And it, again, helps point out that I am really messed up in the head.

When I'm in charge, the first thing I'm banning is eye makeup. I've been over this before -- I simply cannot stand all that eyeshadow and eyeliner nonsense. Eyeshadow is just goofy. And eyeliner? Yeah, let's take a potentially nice feature and draw a bunch of dark fucking circles around them. Great idea. Just to show I'm a compromiser, though, I'll allow mascara to stay, so long as you learn to apply it properly.

Makeup in general just pisses me off. What are you, a person, or a fucking clown? I realize some people need makeup to look decent, but in the end, c'mon, who are you fooling? It's all about steady state -- you start the day ugly, you end the day ugly. Why not be consistent and look ugly in between. Many of us live just fine like that.

It also doesn't take a genius to see that I would ban breast implants pretty fuckin' quick. There is no goddamn need for that shit, I don't care how "small" your tits are. Of course, I'm biased towards smaller, but if you think I'm stopping with banning breast implants, hold on. I think I'm also going to make it so that we start genetically engineering all girls so that their breasts can never grow beyond a certain size, I'm thinking, hmmmmm, maybe a B-cup limit. That'd be just fine by me. And maybe with everyone being relatively "small," all this need for implants and shit would just go away within a few generations anyway. Nah, that's being too optimistic. Better to just cover all the bases up front.

While we're on the subject of genetic engineering, I've got a couple more good ideas. I think I'll put those scientists to work so that all girls end up with bad enough eyesight that it requires corrective lenses. No, not so they have trouble seeing what I look like. We all know how much I love girls in glasses. And before you think you're clever, contacts will also be right out.

Girls will also be genetically engineered so that they can't grow to be more than, I dunno, let's say 4'8" tall. Had this restriction been in place many moons ago, I'd have, at minimum, about a six-inch advantage when it comes to this stupid height bullshit, and then maybe I wouldn't have the degree of problems that I have today, and things like this post would have never seen the light of day.

There can't be many situations that feel more surreal than sitting at home, minding your own business, and then having Shaq Attaq bust in and falsely accuse you of being a kiddie porn freak. Alright, it didn't go down exactly like that, but still.

Apart from my initial post I've refrained from posting every funny bash.org quote that I come across, but in this case, I just have to. That is one of the fucking funniest things I've ever read.

You know what I find hilarious? The fact that, at this very moment, at least one person in New York is committing suicide because the Mets lost game 7 of the NLCS. You know I'm right.

Speaking of losers, I was just reading this old post of mine. I think everything laid out in that post makes me such a fucking loser that things actually circle back around to where it makes me fucking awesome. Just not as awesome as Math or the TI-G.O.D., of course.

Oh, and as a corollary to that post, I ended up overclocking my calculator after reading about how to do it.

Math is such a fucking badass

Math: If you hate it, it hates you. If you like it, it hates you more.

I dunno, that's not all quite right. Okay, sure, some kids think they like math, but it's easy for them to like it because they're actually stupid and not really getting it; they only think that's the case. And some kids who think they suck at it probably work harder at it and end up getting good as a result. But by the same token, there are some who really get off on math, and are good at it. They obviously weren't polling any kids who are going to grow up to be scientists, mathematicians, or engineers.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

And speaking of inappropriate behavior online, we have the asshole of the week/month/year, Mark Foley. Or at least, the asshole of the week/month/year who didn't needlessly kill anyone.

I'm the last one to call you out for lusting after teens, but dude, that doesn't mean you get to pull this shit. And I love all of the excuses that we're getting deluged with... Alcoholism, molested when he was younger, "mental issues" (yeah, no fucking shit). Dude, you're hitting on teen boys when you're co-chairman of the Missing and Exploited Children's Caucus. I know it seems lame to bust out Star Trek quotes when you are trying to make a serious point, but "Those who clothe themselves in good deeds are well camouflaged." That's all there is to that. You like young boys and you thought you could hide it or make up for it by trying to crack down on people who do exactly what you were doing.

"He continues to offer no excuse whatsoever for his conduct."

Alcoholism, molestation... I do believe those sound like... Yes, those are excuses.

I also love all of the nonsense coming from the Republicans about how they didn't know shit about shit. Give me a fucking break. A member of congress is making inappropriate contact with teenage boys, and that shit isn't going to get around? Regardless of whether or not they knew it was sexual, they knew something was up. Plus, they had to know it was something naughty; it was known that he was admonished for something inappropriate, and people are gonna put two and two together even if they haven't heard for certain.

The only thing that allows me to maybe buy that is that if it were well known, the Democrats should have pounced on it. Of course, the Democrats are stupid, so even if they knew there's a good chance they just sat on it. Or maybe they were actually smart and waited to let it come out until it was closer to the election.

"Mark Foley wants you to know he is a gay man."

Thanks Mark. I appreciate you keeping me up to speed on things. Seriously, this sounds like a great political ad. I want to see someone bust that out. "Candidate X wants you to know that he is a gay man."

I will give him one thing:

Foley's attorney, David Roth, said Foley had never had sexual contact with a minor and said any assertion that Foley is a pedophile is "categorically false."

If it was all teen boys he was interested in, ones who had been through puberty, then technically, he's not a pedo, he's an ephebophile. Where did I pick up that tidbit? Hey, you learn the facts that are relevant to your life. And, as I've said before, if that's your preference, fine, just don't be a dick and act on it.

One final note to Bush, and everyone else who is weighing in on this: knock of the fucking moral grandstanding. We know what he did was bad.

This right here shows how stupid we are as a country in general, and how stupid Bush is in specific. I wouldn't be surprised if he came up with that idea all on his own. Yeah, we have three fatal school incidents within a week, so let's convene a conference on school violence. Even though in two of the three cases, it wasn't a student, or even someone involved with the school who was the perpetrator. Not that school violence isn't an issue, but for this gathering to be sparked by the past week is retarded. And of course, I'm sure this conference will solve everything.

And while we're talking about it, you just knew how much the newspeople were wetting themselves last week. Even though the killing at the Colorado school had nothing to do with Columbine, you knew they were just dying to even make mere mention of Columbine. The first few articles on the standoff -- no mention. They were like, "wait for it... wait for it..." Sure enough, after a few revisions of the article(s) they kept editing, they shoehorned in the token Columbine reference even though it had nothing to do with anything.

Okay, so I had heard of bash.org before, but I thought it was the homepage for the BASH shell, and not something completely different. As it turns out, what it is is a collection of highly amusing and oftentimes stupid quotes as seen in online chats. No, relax, not the kind of rooms I'm in. A small sampling:

<phenom> would you bang the queen
<phenom> for $10000
<nacho> i dont have that kind of money

<Jeedo> hey baby, whats up?
<Indidge> umm....nothing?
<Jeedo> So....want me to like come over today so we can fuck?
<Indidge> Wait....did you want to speak to my daughter?
<Jeedo> Yes Mrs.Miller.. :-/

<Pax> I wish my lawn was emo, so it would cut itself.

<Th3No0b>> Im going to be the next hitler
<Th3No0b> Im going to kill all the jews and 1 clown
<RageAgainsttheAmish> why the clown
<Th3No0b> See? no one cares about the jews
<RageAgainsttheAmish> lmao

And if you have spent too much time in chatrooms like myself, this one will resonate with you (relax, it's not from one of the rooms I'm ever in).

Just hit the links at the top middle/right of the page to get to some lists of quotes and proceed to kill way too much time laughing your ass off.

As I've pointed out before I'm not a big fan of big tits, and furthermore loathe fakes, but at least they can serve some practical purpose.

Borat. Also, depending on what you consider "fun," some fun facts.

If you have never seen Da Ali G Show, I would highly recommend checking it out.

I saw this yesterday, and I've gotta say, that is one of the dumbest fucking things I've seen in awhile. What, no one else can Bash Bush, that's the Democrats' job? Especially since, you know, they do such a solid fucking job of ripping on Bush as it is. Yeah, nice try attempting to be all cool and shit, Democrats. I'll see you on the other side of November.

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, D-California, was blunt in her criticism of the Venezuelan leader. "He is an everyday thug," she said.

You're stupid, Nancy. And Hugo Chavez is a retard. There is no point at all in responding to anything he says.

"If there's any criticism of President Bush, it should be restricted to Americans, whether they voted for him or not," Rangel said at a Washington news conference.

That's also fucking stupid. It's not like what Bush does effects anyone besides Americans, after all. The only thing that's lame enough to trump American stupidity is American pompousness.

Please tell me I didn't just read this

It's been a very long time since I've linked a story from MDN's WaiWai pages. Longtime readers know that I became desensitized to much of Japan's fucked-upedness many moons ago, partly through repeated exposure, and partly through the personal adoption of certain issues. That whole Japanese schoolgirl thing has pretty much turned into my version of crack addiction.

I have various thoughts on Japan running through my head, and maybe I'll get to those at some point soon. Until then, there's this. I... I don't even know what to say about that, but I'll try.

"Air sex was originally invented by guys who couldn't get girlfriends, but desperately want to have sex."

In the rest of the world, guys like us found a (non-ideal) solution to that quandary -- we call it masturbation. I never really thought about this, but now I wonder: do Japanese guys know how to beat off? I mean, it's wholly possible. This is a technologically advanced country, the second largest economy in the world, a nation that seems to be fond of adopting things from other cultures (particularly American, if you can call what we have "culture"). As yet, they can't get on board with simple things like orthodontics. So if they don't know how to pound the pud, I would not be surprised at this point.

"I've seen guys who put on air sex shows that clearly display they're still virgins. I've also seen other guys perform such incredibly authentic fake fellatio that nobody has been left in any doubt that they could only be bisexual. Let me reiterate: Air sex can be dangerous."

Abunai!* Yeah, that's so incredibly dangerous. Aside from the hits to ego or potential embarrassment, how is that dangerous? I was waiting for a story about someone getting seriously injured, and I was left hanging.

Japan's reigning air sex world champion is a fella who goes by the name of Cobra.

For the rest of the article, all I could think of was G.I. Joe. Coooooooo-braaaaaaa!!!! Coooooooo-braaaaaaa!!!!

You can't care about what women watching your performance are thinking about you.

That goes without saying. If you think what women must be thinking, you're going to kill yourself.

Air sexpert Sugisaku agrees.

The fact that anybody alive can call themselves an "air sex expert" is just a sad referendum on everything. Wait, I just re-read that -- it says "air sexpert." Yeah, I know, this is all translated and shit, but still.

* Oh look at me, I'm so fucking clever busting out one of the three words I know in Japanese. And it's even romanized, because I'm fucking harsh like that.

It's been awhile, so time for another load.

effective ways to mastubate

Are there that many sites out there dedicated to ineffective masturbation which would force you to add that qualifier?

is a prostitute cheating

Here, why don't you go fuck a prostitute, then let your significant other know about it and he or she will give you the answer. Jesus Christ. Even Clinton knows what the answer to this is. Depending on the meaning of yeah yeah you got it.

girls who fuck corpses

You've seen Clerks, so you know it's possible. I just don't see a lot of girls getting into this, though. Or, I suppose, getting this into them. Sure, he's very stiff and can probably last awhile. But he's cold and unemotional. He won't wanna cuddle or talk afterwards. He fell asleep before you even started fucking. And he's definitely not gonna call you the next day. Really, for a lot of guys out there, this sounds like a perfect relationship. So my advice to guys: fucking kill yourself.

i want to fuck princess diana

Dude. Either you have been asleep for about nine years, or you have various other issues.

lolicon island

Holy crap. If we can get a racetrack built there then this is the best idea ever. Yes, even better than Hemp Island.

flexible enough to put your dick in your own butt

Some of you people may forget the level of crap I have to go through when looking through my referral logs, and if you have, this should remind you. How exactly was this person envisioning pulling off this feat? I can't imagine how you could even think it's possible to bend forward in such a way that a hard penis could end up in your ass. A long enough flaccid one, maybe, but where's the point in that? Or did they envision being able to, like, split yourself in two and rotate the upper half of your body around, like a flip-top head only not? God, this is so fucking stupid.

yuna should be shot

This is already one of my all-time favorite search hits, and I'm not saying that sarcastically. I get so many goddamn hits for Yuna naked, or Yuna's wedding dress, or some stupid shit about Tidus and Yuna, but finally I got a Yuna-related hit that made me laugh.

does doggy style cause constipation?

This is another one that had me laughing out loud, for reasons opposite of the previous search hit. The worst part about this is that curiosity got the best of me and I went and clicked on the Google link, so considering Google's data retention policies and the fact that I hadn't cleared cookies prior to that, I know that one's gonna come back to haunt me someday.

fucked a can of "creamed corn"

Another one where I really don't think that I need to bother making any jokes on my own.

WOMAN fucking with sushi

That's way too much raw fish for even myself to handle.

When I saw a comic called Shortpacked! linked over at Jared's, I was thinking it had to be a comic about toys, and sure enough, it is (in addition to comics and other nerdy shit).

The best part is that it's gotta be written by someone close in age to me. Only someone from my generation would be making a comic referencing certain toy lines from back in the day.

Okay, you need to check out the video in this post of ETP's, which he lifted from Jared, who got it someplace else.

How brilliant is that? I mean, Richard Hawk? And, you know, everything else? I've gotta get ahold of a copy of that game. Since it appears it was only released in Japan, looks like I'm gonna have to go some sort of mod chip route to play it, assuming I can find the game itself, which so far I have had zero success with.

Alright, so I got an iPod a few months back. I've gotta say, these fuckin' things are not worth what people pay for them. Complaints:

The controls on it are total shit. The goddamn click wheel is way too sensitive, and the sensitivity isn't adjustable.

The backlight brightness rivals that light at the top of NERV Headquarters. You can change the timing of it, you can shut it off, but no, no reason why you should be able to control the fucker's brightness. With backlights being the inefficient powerhogs that they are, I usually end up just keeping mine turned off all the time to save battery life. I also saw recently that Apple is making the screen brighter in the next gen iPod for no apparent reason. Thanks, Steve.

The "shuffle songs" (randomize) should be under the "music" menu, not the root menu.

It's lame that it does all of your organizing for you via ID3 tags and gives you no other control on how music gets organized.

Trying to fast forwarding more than a couple tracks at once makes the damn thing look like it's locked up on you, but nope, it's still recording every click of the button and will move things forward once it gets it's shit in gear. And there are undoubtedly other little issues I could go on about that aren't coming to mind at the moment.

That's just the device itself, though, and then there's iTunes, which is also a piece of shit. I fired up iTunes once to make sure that the software initialized the Pod correctly. As I started it up, it asks me if I wants to let it search for music. I'm like, fuck it, do what you gotta do. It implied it would only search for music, and I seem to recall just under the "My Music" folder as well. But no, it proceeds to find every MP3 on my hard drive and start dumping it to the iPod. Hey, fuck you! Don't do shit without me telling you! Some retards may like this automation (shit, tons of them must for the iPod to be so undeservedly popular), but I'm a goddamn engineer and I want to do it myself. I believe I saw somewhere that you can change things so that it doesn't automatically update the device, but even still, automatic updating being the default is lame.

That was the only time I used iTunes, and I'm not planning to use it ever again. No, I don't give a shit about their stupid store. Since that first unpleasant experience I have used gtkpod under Linux. It's not a stellar interface, but it's not bad, either.

The latest iPod insult can be found here. I would so fucking buy one of those for my iPod, but it's only available for the Nano. I have the 30GB video iPod. Assholes.

Despite the dumb-ass name and bullshit posturing on their web page, I may have to get one of these cases instead. I found out about these ones in an article which included the iKitty, and they had this to say about the YoTank case:

YoTank introduces a new line of military-grade digital audio player cases that can withstand Â?a RPG or mortar shell explosion 85 percent of the time.Â? Cases are machined from solid blocks of aluminum and fit the iPod Nano/Video/Mini or Creative Zen Vision:M players.

I don't know where they're getting that from, but if that's the case, hell yeah, I need one.

So at this point you're like "Ha ha, you stupid asshole. You bought the iPod just because you're a goddamn snob and you wanted to feel cooler than everyone else." Ah, but the astute reader will have realized something's the matter. A few months back, when I got mine, the 60GB iPod was the top of the line. I always go as top-shelf as I can. As yet, I only got the 30GB model. What up with that? Oh, well, I got it for free, so ha ha if you've been lusting after one.

Alright, so I've bitched publicly about it, and I've made fun of all the Pod-less plebians who are going without. Now the goddamn thing is gonna break down on me for sure. Because even with as much as it pisses me off, shit, I'll take it. I wouldn't pay no $300 for it because it isn't worth $300, but at $0 the price is right. And if I did have to say one good thing about it, it's the fact that even at the 30GB level, that's still a lot of fucking space. I just rip entire CDs and throw them on there, not caring about how much space I'm wasting because I have a fuckton of it. The drive capacity alone almost makes up for all it's annoyances, and certainly makes it worth the $0 price tag.

There are so many jokes (many of them already well-played out) waiting to bust out of this that it's difficult to know where to begin.

Wait, what? If this is correct, then this is a bad idea. Would you fucking gai jin please find someone who can actually read Japanese and sort out what Newtype is saying? From the article I posted a couple days ago:

While the new story will be set during the same time frame as the original TV series, Newtype states that it will be an entirely new project, not be a remake or improvement of any sort.

But now this stupid shit:

In the October issue of Newtype (Japan) Gainax revealed a four-part series of films entitled Evangelion Shin Gekijou Ban, which will adapt (with new material) the recondite Neon Genesis Evangelion TV anime and make it more comprehensible to ordinary viewers.

Please tell me that is incorrect, because that goes against... Everything.

Oh yay, more pretentious bullshit. Real sorry I missed out on all of whatever the hell that was, and is.

"With your help we believe we are witnessing the birth of a new art form," they wrote.

The birth of a new art form? You mean crap? Crap on the internet? The girl, whatever age she is, isn't bad looking, though. Even if she does have a mad case of sperm eyebrows going on there.

Is there any. Fucking. Need. For this? This isn't about remembrance, this is about nostalgia. That notion just hit me. The news people and a good deal of the rest of this country are nostalgic over 9/11, not 9/10, and that's not right. We like this shit because it's entertaining, and the news people like it because it's money.

In addition, CNN.com will offer comprehensive coverage of the anniversary, including a multimedia look at how life has changed since the terrorist attacks...

How has life changed? We're dumber. Next.

"And while difficult, for many of us it is important to remember the emotion of that day... On this September 11, as we reflect on what has happened to our nation and our world, it is important to remember, but even more important not to forget."

As per usual here this is review, but how exactly in the fuck are we supposed to forget? If we even forget for a couple of seconds they ram shit down our throats to rectify that situation.

In an effort to be sensitive to those who may not want to view the images, the feed will include a viewer discretion warning...

Two things. One, if you care about being "sensitive", you could always not do this in the first place. Just a thought. And two, if people don't want to see the images, god forbid they should be smart enough to not fire up this shit up in the first place. But of course, we're talking about people here, and at least in this country, we are, again, dumber than we were five years ago, when we were already pretty fucking stupid.

Once again this year, my plans for 9/11 are to pretty much ignore as much shit as I possibly can. Unfortunately, it's not safe to look at or listen to anything, but I'll do what I can to limit the damage.

Nice. Sure, it's always a dangerous proposition to expand on a classic, but this is already way better of an idea than that stupid live-action shit which mercifully I have not heard anything on in awhile.

This is also priceless. You don't need to know why that's funny, you just need to know that it's funny. Found over at WWdN:IX.

This is hilarious. You just can't go wrong when Legos are involved, as long as it's not some of the crap shit Lego has been putting out in recent years.

And no, I don't care that using "Lego" in the plural "Legos" is inappropriate.

That amusing link is the work of The Reverend Brendan Powell Smith. A choice post from his 'blog:

Smith checks himself before wrecking himself
Following the advice of a concerned and vaguely threatening peer, Rev. Smith today decided to take a moment out of his busy schedule to check himself before wrecking himself. "I was skeptical at first, not having realized that I was on a path to self-destruction, but I now feel extremely fortunate to have taken the time to examine my recent behaviors and motivations, making changes where necessary to better myself."

That's funny.

This is the most stupid, fucked up, and useless thing I've seen in awhile. The only good that could come of that is if it was actually a front for some kind of death squad that hunted you down as soon as you signed up, because signing up automatically shows that you are an idiot who shouldn't be alive any more. Found the link over at the OC.

Most of the Talkers happen to live in New York City.

Yeah, big shocker that something this lame is the product of pretentious New York fucks. Why would I want to talk to them, or furthermore, have them talk back? As was pointed out recently, those pricks can't even fix a hole in the ground.

Nancy Pelosi actually smart? Yeah, I dunno about that. Maybe she just has this front of being, I dunno, stone cold fucking stupid when she actually has her shit together behind the scenes. I guess it's possible, but I'm gonna need a lot more convincing before I'm on board with this notion.

"If people are ripping your face off, you have to rip their face off" Pelosi's approach to handling attacks from Republicans)

Can somebody explain to me where the Democrats have done any face ripping? I mean, seriously, the Republicans are doing everything they can right now to not win. At this juncture it's going to be more a matter of the Republicans losing as opposed to the Democrats winning if indeed things shift in November.

To condition Democrats for this fall's midterm elections, she has employed tactics straight out of DeLay's playbook: insisting other House Democrats vote the party line on everything, avoiding compromise with Republicans at all cost and mandating that members spend much of their time raising money for colleagues in close races.

This has me rather torn. On one hand it's like, let's get some change in here. Sure, the Democrats are just going to fuck things up, too. But at least it will be a different class of fuck-ups. You know, a change in scenery.

But at what cost? By being as big of assholes as the Republicans? Alright, fight fire with fire. That's fine. But by doing so, by voting party line, by refusing to compromise, they're just further hardening so much of what's wrong with politics in this country. This does nothing but cement the simplistic black-and-white approach we have to things. The Republicans, of course, aren't going to do much to change matters, so of course, the Democrats have to do this if they're going to pull off an upset. Either way you slice it, it sucks.

And hey -- do I really even want change? You know taxes? Fuck that, I want my goddamn money. I've already got the BMW. Oh, and I am so totally getting a gun. You think I'm joking? I'm not joking. Relax, if when I get guns, I'll be sure that I know how to use them properly (OK, that might not the right thing to say in order to relax people).

The thing is, there's plenty of Republican shit I can get on board with. But Bush and all this Neocon shit? All this Jesus nonsense? Gay marriage, stem cells? That shit has got to stop.

When Louisiana Congressman William Jefferson was found with $90,000 in his freezer from an apparent bribery scheme, Pelosi immediately had him tossed out of his seat on the House Ways and Means Committee.

Hmmmmm, I seem to remember this playing out a bit differently. For one, Pelosi didn't toss him out -- there was a vote which accomplished that. Yes, Pelosi was pushing for him to step aside, but it's not like she swooped in, took charge, and kicked his ass out. Also, there wasn't much "immediately" about it, he was under investigation for quite awhile before he was finally kicked off of the committee. The $90,000 being found wasn't the trigger as the Time writer is trying to imply since the money was found in August and all of this shit didn't go down until the May-June timeframe. Maybe that wasn't made public initially back in August, but either way, the writer has a clear bias towards Pelosi. And of course, I have a clear bias against her, because she's a moron.

Fuck everything: we report on other peoples' reporting. You decide. You know, if you care enough.

Also, yes, exactly.

Yup, this pretty much says it all.

Although I tried my best not to get caught up in JonBenet Fest™ 2006, I still read my share of articles on all that shit. I did keep it all off of here, though, except I will say this: how hilarious is it that the DNA didn't match? You just knew it wasn't gonna match. No way we could finally start to emerge from this mess. Nope, the train of joy just keeps rolling on. So by hilarious I of course mean, fan. Fucking. Tastic.

The only comfort I can take from this is that at least it didn't involve an American.

When I first saw the headline to this article, I had a momentary lapse in judgment. For a brief moment I went optimist, asking myself "Did Katherine Harris actually say something smart?" Because church and state separation is a lie. The favoritism we give to Christianity in this country is disgusting. But no, of course, she was babbling about some stupid bullshit.

U.S. Rep. Katherine Harris told a religious journal that separation of church and state is "a lie" and God and the nation's founding fathers did not intend the country be "a nation of secular laws."

The God part is just fucking stupid. But like most of the rest of her comments, we'll set that aside. You either realize what she's saying is crap, or you're an idiot.

One thing I'm pissed with in general is this notion of always trying to figure out the intent of the founding fathers. Unless if things are pretty obvious (as they rarely seem to be), it's a waste of fucking time trying to decide what a bunch of dead guys really had on their minds over 200 years ago. Of course, almost no one actually tries to figure out what their intent was -- instead, they claim to be looking for intent when they are actually just trying to find a way to spin those words from the past to fit their agenda.

And even if we do figure out what their real intent was, so what? Is that really the best thing to be following, the thoughts of people from centuries ago? Times were, I dunno, a bit different back then. There is no way the founding fathers could have anticipated all of what was to come long after they were dead. They at least appeared to be apt to this idea, and as such made it possible to adapt the Constitution over time (another debate in and of itself, of course).

If you are still hung up on the founding fathers, let's just remember their intent towards women and non-white people, shall we? They made things pretty clear on those fronts.

One more thing I will comment on from the article:

Harris' campaign released a statement Saturday saying she had been "speaking to a Christian audience, addressing a common misperception that people of faith should not be actively involved in government."

No, the common misconception isn't that people in general think that, the misconception is that us dirty secularists all think that. Sure, maybe some of us would say that, but in any case that is not realistic. This is nothing more than the bullshit mentality that a lot of these right-wingers have, the felling that they're always being persecuted and held back when they are, in fact, in the majority and in charge. As I've said recently and repeatedly in the past, they are nothing but a bunch of spoiled, over-sensitive crybabies.

The problem isn't people of faith being active in government, it's people of faith letting their faith go too far in their decision making. How far is too far? Hard to define clearly; it's one of those "I know it when I see it" types of things. Obviously a person's faith is going to at least color their thoughts and actions in some way. But stupid shit like consulting with God before going to war? That's dumb, and that's dangerous.

I also love how morons like this have absolutely no perspective on anything. Yeah, you want to break down the already weak walls between church and state? Fine. Because we've never seen entire areas of the world in figurative and literal flames because faith was running the show.

Alright, I seriously am not making any special effort to include links to porn sites in recent posts, but there's another set of naughty links coming up here. Well, porn of sorts, at least.

Can someone explain to me the need for that? Look, it's bad enough that so many women in porn and skin rags have a sort of Borg-like thing going in that they're part human, part plastic. But does there need to be a site dedicated to fucking women that are literally plastic? Or, well, whatever the fuck materials they use for those things.

I'm putting people who look at RealDoll porn up there in Christan Conservative territory on the loser scale. Again, if I'm calling you out in the "need to find something better to do with your time" department, you need to check yourself. I'm not going after people who have RealDolls, although I probably should, especially when taking into account how much one of those things costs. No, I don't have one, and am not intending to get one. Although considering where I'm at at this juncture, maybe I should. I'm good at buying things.

Oh, and for anyone new to RealDolls or anyone in need of review, go ye forth, and be creeped out.

Shit, speaking of creepy. We're alredy familiar with the full-on dolls that they sell, but check out this thing that they sell. Jesus R. Christ, I'm going to have nightmares about ol' Stumpy there. All I can picture is trying to fuck that thing and then the stumps start moving around of their own accord. Shit, I need to go drink.

Okay, I think this is a pretty weak crop again. I've been waiting for fucking ever for a really good search hit to come along to close off with, but it just isn't happening. This has been in draft stage for nearly a month and I just want to get it the fuck out there.

Spam:

Obesity is really widespread

No. Fucking. Shit.

who the fuck cares about danica patrick

Well, you, apparently.

do jews pray in a certain direction

Yeah -- facing the bank. Sorry, I couldn't resist. And I know you laughed, Mel Gibson.

Spam:

Bullets sprinkled 0n her twat

Nice, just what we were missing -- porn for the gun-nut set. In case this appeals to you, I recently read about (incoming porn link) this in Hustler.

iran sucks donkey dongs

Fuck, why haven't we had this guy doing our negotiating for us? The level of intelligence that this 'blog attracts via search engines is just astounding.

Spam:

Separate yourself from other men

I don't need some crap being hawked in junk mail to be able to accomplish that.

your shit is gonna get kicked in the fuck

What the hell is that even supposed to mean?

jimmy fucking her mom

Apparently, there's something about Jimmy we were previously unaware of. Okay, two things.

teresa heinz tits

When I first saw this in my referral log, the first thought that came into mind was Teresa Heinz Kerry topless with ketchup all over her tits. I know that's not a pleasant image, but it ended up in my head so now you have to suffer too.

how to fuck some women in vietnam

Talk to Gary Glitter. Oh, wait, women? Nevermind.

Spam:

Oh, you are not able to control your feelings!

There's an interesting new approach. "Sorry, honey, I just wasn't able to control my feelings for you." You know some women would buy into that at least once.

Alright, so saw this on CNN last night:

Is Britney's hubby -- 'K-Fed' -- a hip-hop joke?

Exactly why someone felt the need to even ask this is a sad referendum on, I dunno, everything. K-Fed is the only person I've ever known of who is pushing forward to have a music career solely to get people off his ass.

Have you seen or heard his shit? Oh my god. I wish I hadn't, but I have. That's what I get for letting myself get suckered into watching the Teen Choice Awards (some of you are asking "Why?", the rest of you have been here more than once). But seriously, dude, just go back to being Mr. Spears and shut the fuck up already. We can mock you just fine with you in that position.

Spanktrovision

Christian conservatives are the biggest fucking losers in the history of mankind. These people need to get a life and find something better to do with their time. This coming from me.

A coalition of 13 conservative groups -- including the Family Research Council and Concerned Women for America -- took out full-page ads in some editions of USA Today earlier this month urging the Justice Department and FBI to investigate whether some of the pay-per-view movies widely available in hotels violate federal and state obscenity laws.

What the fuck? The shit they show in hotels is soft-core, for starters. Or at least, I was under the impression that most of it is. And if not, so what? It's not like they're gonna push any real boundaries by showing horse porn or something. And besides...

They made clear, however, that their companies consider adult movies to be an acceptable option because they can be ignored or blocked out by guests not wishing to view them.

I can't believe that such a simple concept is so easily ignored with so many things like this in this country. Of course, for these CC cretins, we shouldn't have basic rights like being able to make a choice to beat off. Choice is un-American. God, it's sad that I put that out there intending it to be a joke, only to realize it's true.

The leader of the campaign against in-room porn is Phil Burress, a self-described former porn addict who heads the Cincinnati-based Citizens for Community Values.

What a loser. Once you knew how to beat off and now you're repressed. That's great, chief.

"As more and more of these (hardcore) titles become available, we're going to have sexual abuse cases coming out of the hotels," he said. "Hotels are just as dangerous as environments around strip joints and porn stores."

I seriously don't want to live in a world where someone can say something this stupid and not immediately be shot in the face. This, of course, makes me as big of a fascist as the CC crowd is. But I'm not in charge of anything, nor do I have influence over anything of importance.

Seriously, though, back that shit up with some facts, asshole. Because, clearly, there are no sex abuse cases in hotels with porn out of the picture. Of course, facts are also un-American, especially to this crowd. All that matters to them is being a spoiled fucking baby that has to have everything it's lame-ass way.

Burress said he was "cautiously optimistic" that Justice Department officials -- whom he and other anti-porn leaders confer with periodically -- would seriously consider investigating hotel-based pornography.

It wouldn't surprise me if they did, those stupid shitheads. Because, really, this is something worth wasting time over. No real criminals left out there or anything. And nothing better these people could be doing with their time and money like, I dunno, helping people. No, that would be something Christ might do.

It's going to be wall-to-wall JonBenet for awhile, and as such things of importance such as this are getting pushed aside. Not that most would pay attention or care. Nor will it make a difference since Team Bush does what they want and they get away with it, anyway.

So what was that bullshit we heard one time about the guy in the ads not being the real Dave Thomas?

I also find it rather amusing that the restaurant's "about us" page has a tagline of "We believe you deserve better." I haven't eaten at a Wendy's in years, and that's defintely a good thing. Going there means a triple cheeseburger greaseball that raises my cholesterol just from thinking about it. It has nearly 60 grams of fat if you need it. And now I want a Frosty. Fuck.

For fans of old-school Star Trek, this is awesome.

Incoming porn link, so you've been warned.

Alright, so I just read about this in the AV Club. And, yeah. In many ways, that has to be the dumbest fucking thing ever. But it does have the potential for brilliance, just not for 30 bones a month. And could Jenna Jameson please go the fuck away now? Your tits are way too big, you've gotta be like 50 now, and you haven't been hot in a very, very long time, so please leave us alone.

Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with people? Aside from all the obvious reasons, and, well, I guess that answers my question. But c'mon. Every damn month it seems I get it from both sides when I peruse the latest issues of Hustler and Barely Legal. In the letters, guys will always get off about how they want to fuck Jenna Jameson. There was one asshole who actually said that he envied Jenna's husband because he's, quote, lucky. Maybe it's just me and I'm selfish (maybe?), but if I had a wife I'd really rather not have other guys sticking their dick in my wife all day long as a matter of course. Hey, if that works for you, no prob, but I'm guessing that's not the case for a lot of guys. Some shit sounds better in your head, chief, than it does in execution. But then again, a lot of guys are idiots. Hence, the vast majority of my referral log.

And then there are all the models who kiss ass with Jenna Jameson, saying how she's their idol, blah blah blah. I guess I can understand that in a way, though. If you can get in good with Jenna Jameson I'm sure you could make some inroads in porn. But it's still nauseating for everyone to be cumming all over themselves over the "plastic and rapidly aging" (as another non-sycophant letter writer put it) Jenna Jameson.

Finally, some fantasy sports bullshit that I can get on board with. At least conceptually.

Could be meat, could be cake. I think it's... Meatcake!

We'll always have Paris. Sadly.

One of the things I hate the most (this is pretty telling considering how much shit I hate) is bullshit celebrity announcements that are treated as if they're actual, important news. Like remember when Snoop Dogg gave up weed? That's great, Snoop, I'm cool with whatever you do. But aside from the impact it has on yourself and those around you, it's fucking meaningless. Or how about Lance Bass coming out recently? I don't give a shit if some man bander is gay or straight. It effects nothing other than the people he fucks.

Then today I see this. I don't give a flying fuck, OK? Hey, when you announce that you're going to stop showing off your cunt to the rest of the world (I mean the one between your legs, not the bigger one named "Paris Hilton"), then you can announce that as news because it will actually mean something to me. But this? Who gives a shit.

... says Hilton, who told the magazine she has had sex with only two men during her lifetime.

Alright, whatever. This woman just might have a looser interpretation of sex than Clinton. Pun intended.

"I never received a dime from it. It's just dirty money and he should give it all to some charity for the sexually abused or something."

How much money do you have, you fucking bitch? I'd be curious if she gives out any money that helps victims of sexual abuse. And even if she does, she could most likely stand to give a little bit more.

The Hilton Hotels heir and uber-socialite told the magazine she is "very shy" and relates to the late Princess Diana, who was hounded by photographers.

Again, Paris, we have all seen pictures of your vagina. I have known plenty of outgoing girls who have never had a picture showing their cooch show up in a magazine.

"I've been in cars trying to get away from speeding paparazzi before and it's horrible, so I can relate to Diana and the problems she had," Hilton is quoted as saying.

Yeah, well, except that Diana is dead, and you're not. Oh, if only things were reversed. The media hype around Di was fucking ridiculous, but at least she was a mother and supported some good causes. As opposed to, you know, being a dumb cunt who just expects others to donate to good causes.

The absolute worst thing about Paris Hilton is that she's ugly. I've seen maybe a couple of pictures where it was like, okay, maybe she's marginally pumpable there, if you can discount all the diseases you'd catch from her. But by and large she looks like shit. Obviously it would be preferable to deal with neither, but why can't we at least make a trade for her sister to be the one we always have to see all over the goddamn place? She's no prize package either, and I wouldn't be surprised if she's equally as vapid, but she's at least decent looking compared to that cunt Paris.

Here is a pretty solid idea.

Then there was this that I read about somewhat recently. No, it's not abuse, it's just stupid and fucked up. Fucked up for obvious reasons, and stupid for this comment by the photographer, Jill Greenberg, who undoubtedly considers herself an "artist":

"The first little boy I shot, Liam, suddenly became hysterically upset," the Los Angeles-based photographer said. "It reminded me of helplessness and anger I feel about our current political and social situation."

What? Jesus Christ lady, you are really fucking stretching your attempts at social commentary on this one. Your pretentiousness and self-importance really shine through with that leap in thought. This project isn't about the "helplessness and anger" you feel, it's about "Hi, I like to make kids cry."

Why are all the kids naked, or at least topless? If naked kids are involved and I'm calling you out instead of making a joke then you've probably done something wrong. And what kind of asshole parents are setting their kids up for this shit?

"Taking away a lollipop is not child abuse. There's no irreparable harm. I'm just not sure there's any significance to the photographs either."

Even if it's coming from some other pretentious art fuck, that pretty much says it all.

And while we're on the subject of pictures of kids (relax, what you expect from me is not forthcoming), I may as well link yet another gem from The Onion.

Basement lipo. Yeah, no way that that can go wrong. This post, however, can go way more wrong.

"There are people who will take advantage of women who can't travel to Brazil or who don't have the resources, because aesthetics are so important in Brazil," she said.

Well, even if aesthetics are important, they apparently aren't all that choosy in the end. According to Maxim a few years back, one in ten women in Brazil has had sexual contact with an animal at some point. And we trust what Maxim has to say on everything.

"Get a load of this, everyone. Even as we're all sittin' here, somewhere out there somewhere, someone's having sex with an animal. Yeah! And some of you are thinkin' "Let's get there before there's a line." Well that's not what I'm talking about... People are having sex with animals! And then we wonder why the animals attack us!"
- Dave Attell

This is pretty hilarious. If something that improbable happens, you were just somehow destined to get in trouble.

The woman, who became suspicious of the delay as the waitress went to call police, fled the Moosehead Saloon, but her companion provided her name.

Having your friend rat you out is also pretty solid. Of course, I guess you can't really expect for someone to lie to the cops for you. You should, however, give your friends a heads-up if you're fleeing the scene of some kind of crime so that maybe they can get the hell out too.

Maria Bergan, 23, of Lakewood, was charged Sunday night with identity theft and receiving stolen property.

And that makes it even more solid -- she was actually of legal age to drink. You might try mixing in a driver's license of your own someeday, Maria. You've only had seven years (depending on local laws) to get your shit together on that one.

See, why can't more politicians have a sense of humor like this? I think this country would be a lot better off if 230 years ago we hadn't declared our independence from being able to take a fucking joke.

Alright, it didn't take as long to put this compilation together, and there's a whole mess of crap in here. Either shit's picking up, or I'm lowering the bar.

how the fuck do you get ahead in this world?

By doing Yahoo searches. Clearly.

celtic feet fucking

I wasn't aware that the Celts had their own methods for feet fucking. Either way, find me some hot Celtic girls with nice feet, and I'm in.

gays food fuck

Hey, I fucked fruit.

christians against feminism messageboard

Christians against feminism? Isn't that redundant? Hey, fuck you: made from a man's rib. We could go on and on, but that tells you all you need to know right there.

fuck you i am a piece of shit

Yeah! You sure told them!

You piece of shit computer! Where the fuck can i find some nike shoes?

Yeah, it's the computer's fault that you're too stupid to know about these things called "stores," dickface. Out of all the retards and child molesters I've gotten here via search engines, I think I either hate this guy the most, or at least, he's somewhere towards the top.

BLM fucked up

You had to consult Google on this one? Like I haven't made this abundantly clear as is? Or were they not talking about me, but instead having issues with the Bureau of Land Management?

fuck me and make me have an organism

This one is so awesome that I don't even need to say anything -- it stands on it's own two (or more, depending) feet.

guys in the army fucking everything with a pussy

Yeah, maybe everything with a man pussy. Or as I prefer to call it, mangina.

Spam:

And it's not strange -- you cuum very fast!

No, it's not strange. That's the problem.

horse fuckers next strike

Have horse fuckers formed a union? I'm just waiting to see flyers for the local 212 of the UHF.

fisting toronto -teen -girl -girls -lesbian -aids

Okay, you're looking for fisting, but you want to exclude teens, girls, and lesbians? What fun could possibly come of this search? Okay, okay, so this person has different tastes than me -- that's cool. But why the need to explicitly exclude "aids"? Are they talking about the disease? Is this really something closely coupled with fisting? Or are they talking about "aids" in the sense of something or someone that helps? The only "aids" you need for fisting are A) a fist and B) an accommodating hole.

Spam:

Youung girl brutally analpenetratted by black HORSSE. model

OK, I understand the soft racism of specifying black men because all black guys, of course, have huge cocks, but why was there a need to specify that the horse, sorry, HORSSE, is black? Is porn of young girls taking it up the ass from horses so common that people can afford to be choosy as to what color the animal is?

Spam:

Why be an average guy any longer

What makes you think I'm even average?

What does one earring in the left ear mean on a man

It means he's a dooshebag with an earring in his left ear. God damn it, it's been like 20 years since this might have had relevance. As we so often do here, we defer to Carlin: "That thing with the earring? It's over. Has been for a long time. It was supposed to piss off the squares. The squares are wearing them now!"

And for the grand finale of this batch of garbage, I present a search hit that is truly epic:

what does it mean when someone is shitting on you in a dream

Several weeks back ETP and I got into a discussion of Super Mario Brothers 2. We're cool like that. Anyway, anyone who's moderately hard-core knows that SMB2 started out in Japan being called Doki Doki Panic. Now, I know that "doki doki" is used as kind of a written sound effect (if that makes sense) to describe a beating heart, especially when a character is excited in some way. Now, as to what the fuck that has to do with Mario Brothers, I had no clue. As it turns out, it has nothing to do with Mario at all. Interesting to note that The Lost Levels, which was part of Super Mario All Stars for the SNES, still wasn't SMB2 as it was released in Japan. Arrogant fuckers.

Well, this is fucking weak, but not unexpected. Still, Ignorant Man Walking™ Bill Fucking Frist was on board with this one. But still, no, Bush is living in some bullshit world of black-and-white morality, except for the whole "black" part of it. Ahem.

"It crosses a moral boundary that our decent society needs to respect, so I vetoed it," he said on Wednesday.

"Moral" and "decent" pretty much have no place with reference to our society or this decision. Decent? Yeah, alright. And where is the morality in fucking with something that could help improve millions of lives? Again, we're not sacrificing live babies for this shit, just goddamn embryos.

Mr Bush announced his decision at the White House in the company of 18 families whose children were born after using embryos "unwanted" by other couples seeking fertility treatment.

Oooooh, such a shrewd move, Bush! You sure showed me! And how about those embryos that will never, ever do anything but take up freezer space? I know we just went over the whole "potential for life" thing with the birth control debate, but that does not make this shit any less stupid or simplistic. They are doing something immoral while hiding behind the curtain of morality. Note to James Dobson: that's hypocrisy.

And even if (IF!) we are killing something that could potentially be alive, so what? What ever happened to the notion of making sacrifices for the greater good? Bush might understand this concept had he ever been in the military or served his country in some fashion. Hell, he just needed to listen to Spock when he said that oftentimes the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one. If you want to throw any of that Star Trek III shit in my face, spare me.

Then there's the fact that it's really stupid (slash hypocritical) for this man to be so obsessed with saving something that merely could be a human life while being totally cool with throwing away actual human life by sending it off to die in an unnecessary war. Of course, Carlin put it best, as he so often does: "These Republicans are looking for live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers."

One encourages stem cell research using cells from sources other than embryos, and the other bill bans the growing and aborting of foetuses for research.

Oh, that's great. I'm glad to see that something useful was accomplished today. A side issue to all this shit:

In waiting until the fifth year of his presidency to veto any legislation, Mr Bush became the first president to complete four years in office without a veto since John Quincy Adams in the 1820s.

This is also fucking sick, and shows what a bad bloody state we're in. This shows that over the past five years, there has, effectively, been no debate and no dissent between two out of three branches of government, with the third really not far behind. The "checks and balances system" has effectively just been reduced to checks. Yeah, that sounds pretty healthy. And, of course, this is no startling revelation -- anyone paying attention to anything (which is, maybe, a couple dozen people) already know this, but having it really laid out in a little fact like that just helps to drive home how much this blows.

Random tidbit: we all know I keep getting search hits about imitation crab and pregnancy, but I never knew what the fuck the relation was until a few days ago when I was enlightened via the guestbook:

Oh, one last thing: I don't know if you ever found out, but the whole imitation crab sticks/pregnancy thing is because some imitation crab sticks contain shark, which (like lots of predatory fish) has high levels of mercury.

Big ups to Kyle for posting something in the guestbook that was not a bunch of rambling crap (as opposed to most other entries) in addition to being educational.

Amusing searches have been far and few between again as of late. For as long as it's taken to put together a new list you'd think it'd be a decent one, but no, this is a pretty piss-poor crop of stuff that's already piss-poor by nature. Sadly, we go to 'blog with the material we have, not the material we want.

if you a guy and you wont to wear a tampon is that alright

Uhhhhh, depending on where you are planning to "wear" that tampon, and what your motivations for doing so are, you may want to visit a doctor before or after this little adventure.

ways to try to get yourself the hiccups

When I first saw this, I was like, that's easy -- just do what my stepdad always advised: hold your breath and count to a thousand. Then I re-read it -- this person doesn't want to get rid of the hiccups, they want to get them. What the fuck? How annoying and infuriating are the hiccups? Why would you want to bring them on purposely? Hey chief, why don't you look into how you can give yourself cancer while you're at it. The thing that irritates me the most about the hiccups is that if they go on for not too long, I start getting used to the sensation. Then when they finally go away, I sit there for at least a half a minute in anticipation of the next one, and I find myself a little pissed off that it isn't coming just because I'm expecting it.

picture of gas nozzle in the butt

Talk about taking it up the ass from the oil companies. Now we know the real reason gas prices are so high.

Fuck my little pussy with your big dick

Wow, you must have a really little pussy if you're saying that to me.

Spam:

If getting a brand watch was your dream from the childhood

Okay, this is sad on so many levels. If having a nice watch was a childhood dream, you had a pathetic childhood and I'm guessing you're a sad-sack in adulthood. Furthermore, if you had that dream as a child and you're fulfilling it with a shitty knock-off in a spam e-mail, well, yeah. Sad sack.

"liberal bias" "weather channel"

You've got to be fucking kidding me. I don't know what's more pathetic -- someone trying to find bias in the Weather Channel, or the notion of left-leaning weather forecasts in the first place. The latter makes me think of AM760 in the Denver area, which is our local liberal, ERRRRR, progressive radio station. I can't stand to listen to it often, but when I do I hear the traffic report, segments which they refer to as "progressive traffic." And every time I hear that I think to myself, do we really need left-wing traffic reports?

how to fuck a husband

Divorce him and take half. EDDDDDDIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

how do i put my penis in my girlfriends vagina

I really wish I was making a lot of these up, but no, there are people out there making queries like this. Anyone this dumb shouldn't be putting their penis anywhere that might lead to breeding; I'd suggest putting it in a blender or the garbage disposal instead. And since I'm sure you need full instructions, flip the goddamn "on" switch after inserting.

schoolgirls take over world

Aside from myself taking over, there has never, ever been a world domination idea that I've been more on board with. Sure, it will turn out more vapid and stupid than I want to admit, but at least it'll look hot.

ken fucks barbie

How?

Alright everybody, you're going to have to sit down for this next one. Considering you're reading a 'blog and most likely at your computer that shouldn't be much of a problem. Now, we've all seen a lot of dumbass, frivolous, unfounded lawsuits over the years. People suing McDonald's for spilling coffee on themselves. People suing food companies because they made themselves fat. People suing tobacco companies after they knew full well smoking is bad for you. People suing Fear Factor because they got sick while watching the show. But all of that pales in comparison to -- wait for it -- this.

Heckard apparently is suing Jordan for defamation and permanent injury, emotional pain and suffering.

For filing this lawsuit, Michael Jordan should be allowed to show up at this guy's house and beat the shit out of him, thus causing permanent injury, emotional pain and suffering.

He is suing Knight for defamation and permanent injury for promoting Jordan and making him one of the world's most famous athletes.

What were they supposed to do? Promote Jordan so he's only marginally famous, and then stop?

But Heckard bears a physical resemblance to Jordan because he has a shaved head, an earring in his left ear, and is in good physical shape -- from playing basketball.

So let your hair grow, don't wear an earring, let yourself get fat, and find another sport, prick.

Wouldn't most people consider that a compliment?

"Yes, don't get me wrong it's definitely a positive thing, because Michael, like I say is one of the best ball players that I've known to play the game."

So you're suing. Over something that you admit is a positive thing. Right.

"So I want to be recognized as me just like Michael's being recognized as Michael."

Explain to me again how this is a problem for Jordan, Nike, and the courts to solve.

The television station apparently caught Heckard wearing blue Air Jordan tennis shoes.

What. An. Asshole.

What made Heckard decide to file suit against Jordan and Knight for $416 million each?

"Well, you figure with my age and you multiply that times seven and then I turn around and I figure that's what it all boils down to."

Nice, genius.

Gee, I wish I could be a creepy pedo in public and get away with it. "Uh, BLM, you are and you do." I dunno, I just talk about it on a 'blog; I don't think that counts. I certainly don't do things like this in front of others. OR in private, so settle down.

Mr Putin came across Nikita, five, in the Kremlin last week, lifted up his T-shirt and suddenly kissed him.

I mean, Jesus, could anything be weirder? Well, sure something could, in theory, but this shit is as real as ER (ER is real, for those of you not in on this fact). And it's not like this was Michael Jackson, who we'd expect something like that from; no, it's the leader of Mother goddamn Russia.

"He seemed very independent and serious... I wanted to cuddle him like a kitten and it came out in this gesture. He seemed so nice," he said.

You're not really helping your case there, dude. And sure, maybe you get this urge, but that doesn't mean you fucking follow through with it.

"There is nothing behind it"

No, but I'm guessing if you really had your druthers, there sure would be.

Is there some kind of Russian cultural thing I might be missing? Or is this as messed up as it seems?

Because no one else is making this joke

Or, you can be neither.

This rest of this post is pretty stale, too, but I'm in the mood for a bunch of smart-ass comments on a load of utter crap.

"The president that chases the opinion poll is the president that will have failed policy."

Like usual, simpleton, it doesn't have to be an either/or proposition.

"Because we're right on winning this war on terror, and we've got a good economic record."

Just because you say something, doesn't mean it's true. Hey, I'm getting so much pussy that every time I turn around I find myself saying "These hos have gotta get up offa me. Damn, despite saying that, I'm still sitting here alone.

When it comes to the most controversial single decision of his presidency -- invading Iraq -- the president told King he would make the same choice again, even knowing that Saddam Hussein's regime did not have weapons of mass destruction.

Any way you try and slice that, that is still one of the dumbest things ever said.

"We removed a tyrant," Bush said.

Yeah, I guess. But I'll use this as an opportunity to reference this cartoon, which if, for no other reason, is funny to me thanks to the caricature that doesn't really even look like Saddam.

"He was an enemy of the United States..."

Yeah, one who had our boot so far up his ass that he couldn't really do anything.

"... who harbored terrorists..."

Uh, he gave a couple of checks to the families of suicide bombers. Or at least, that's what you used to keep harping on.

"... and who had the capacity, at the very minimum, to make weapons of mass destruction."

Just insert disgruntled sighing noises here.

"And he was a true threat."

Survey says..... BZZZZZZZZZZTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!

Bush also told King that if North Korea's missiles had presented a threat to the United States, "We had a plan in place to respond."

"We've got a missile defense system that will defend our country," he said without elaborating.

What, you mean the missile shield that usually fails during tests? You know, the tests where we know ahead of time there's an incoming target?

"Quite the contrary. I feel it is an honor to be in this position," he said. "I wake up enthused about working on this year's problems because I've got confidence we can solve them."

Wow, that's pretty optimistic since we've solved, I dunno, about zero problems in this country in recent memory. To say nothing of the new ones we've created.

He said he fears another September 11-style terrorist attack. "I think we're safer, but I'm worried about an enemy that wants to hit us again."

Saying he worries is about as close as I've seen Bush get to thinking and speaking realistically, and using the qualifier of "I think" tells you pretty much everything you need to know.

The president says he retains a good relationship with Russian President Vladimir Putin...

I'll get back to Vlady here in a minute.

The president said the federal government is "better prepared today than we were last year" to deal with another hurricane disaster.

How could we possibly be LESS fucking prepared?! Yeah, I know, we could be, and that's really scary.

We've got a better relationship with the [National] Guard so that the Guard can move more immediately.

How? Have you stopped sending them off to die in Iraq? One weekend a month!

Bush predicted that al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden will be captured eventually.

Alright, I'm done. On a scale of one to ten, the bullshit just hit, I dunno, a million.