I can't stand those shitty little Mini Coopers, but this is pretty funny. I don't care if BMW owns Mini, they're not Bimmers and those things are way too small and look dumb. I know what you're saying, at least if you're a woman (as usual, I'm taking one case and using that to generalize): "But they're so cute!" Yeah, fuck that. Women get all excited for small cars, but they're down on small men and small penises? Fucking women.

I knew there was another reason I was looking forward to the pope dying: The Onion.

"Healthy as a horse." What's with that phrase? Not all horses are healthy. Some of them are so "healthy" that they have to be taken out back and shot. Then they get turned into glue. I'd rather be unhealthy, thanks.

Now, "strong like bull" I can kinda understand. Well, until he gets his nuts chopped off to make Rocky Mountain oysters. Probably doesn't feel too stong then. I know I wouldn't. Shit, I don't feel particularly strong with my nuts. Okay, bedtime.

Here's mine... It looks like Vietnam.

Sorry to drop a bad pun on you, but I read this earlier, and it had me seeing red. Seriously, any parent getting upset over this needs to have some red pens shoved in their goddamn eyes. HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT RED INK, FUCKER?!

Should I be using color more in this 'blog? I think that could get annoying, and I'm not sure if that's a pro or a con.

Anyway, back to dumbass parents. Look, if your kid is getting all depressed because there's always a bunch of red ink all over their schoolwork after their teacher hands it back to them, maybe it's time to tell them to stop being so stupid. I mean, honestly. Can't we do anything any more that makes people feel bad? Even if the intentions are good? Which, of course, isn't as much fun as when the intentions are bad, but that's a discussion for another time.

"It's taken a turn from 'Here's what you need to improve on' to 'Here's what you've done right.'"

That right there is everything that's wrong with America. Or, at least, everything that's wrong with "optimism." By focusing on nothing but positives, you're never going to get anyone to work on the negatives. And then they'll just fester and explode on you someday. It's not pleasant having to deal with something you screwed up, but it has to be done if there's ever to be any growth. If you can't handle being told "you done fucked up" when you're young, then you will never survive in the adult world.

Am I saying that we should always focus on only the negatives because I'm a cynical bastard who likes that shit? No, of course not. It's just that focusing on the good stuff is easy, so it comes naturally. But you don't really improve on anything or learn anything by only looking at the silver lining.

You've been to Despair, Inc. before, haven't you? Their Demotivators collection is pretty much one of the best things ever,

"I don't think changing to purple or green will make a huge difference if the teaching doesn't go along with it."

Thank you... Even focusing on red ink is just -- again, sorry -- a red herring that's avoiding the real issues (like the issue that your kid is dumb). That there actually is one of the biggest problems with this country -- we never want to get to tackling the really hard issues, so we find something peripheral (like video games with violence or pornography with rape) and focus entirely on that. Meanwhile, we fail to get to the root cause of what we're discussing, and nothing ever gets better.

So I don't know if any of you heard this, but the pope died this past weekend. CNN apparently didn't get word of it until just recently, and even then it was a short blurb that I really had to dig for. I suppose this is what I get for continually saying that I just wanted the pope to die already. This is like Reagan fucking dying but on a global scale.

I was thinking, though, I really wish I could become pope. There's the obvious perk of having ultimate job security. Sure, I could end up old and broken down and totally fucked up like John Paul II, but if that were the case, you know what? I'd just quit. There was lots of talk about JP Two resigning recently, so it must be an option. I have never been one to be above copping out.

How cool would it be having tons of people kissing my ass and pretty much worshipping me? I know there are some hot Catholic bitches out there, and that'd be fucking neat. Then, of course, there's the whole Catholic schoolgirl thing, and we for sure would work that in there somehow. Or constantly.

I know what you're saying. "Dude, the pope doesn't get to have sex." And I'm like, yeah, how exactly does that differ from my life right now? Do they monitor the pope's internet usage? As long as I can download porn and masturbate chatting to "girls" on IRC, I'm good. I mean, what the hell are they gonna do? Tell me to stop? I'm the FUCKING POPE, and I can do whatever the hell I want. I could probably just make some papal decree saying that I get to download pr0n and fuck women, anyway.

Another great advantage would be having control over millions and millions of people. Sure, they're stupid people, but that would only serve to make fucking with them that much more fun. Once elected pope, I'd immediately begin the fucking in choosing my name. Something like Pope Liberal I. Or Pope Bimmer. Or, oh, this is the best -- Pope Queer.

That, of course, would be merely the beginning. Newly crowned Pope Queer would then proceed to require the Cardinals to shed their red robes and caps for pink ones. The next several years, and hopefully decades, of my reign would be spent destroying all of the things that Catholics apparently think are so great about their religion by doing things like allowing sex to be fun, advocating a stance that contraception and abortion aren't half bad ideas in a world with disease and already billions of people, pointing out that gays are normal human beings, and enforcing the notion that women are there to be more than just subservient to men (except for me). Oh, and if you're caught molesting choir boys, you die.

Oh, and don't even start in with me. "Roman Catholics don't think women are subservient!" Give me a fucking break. Anyone who does things like exclude women from clubs (priesthood) clearly views them as being below men. "So why is it that so many women are Catholic, you heathen shit?" Ummm, because they're dumb? Same goes for anyone who gets on board with a group that scorns who they are. And really, how can you get on board and stay on board with a group that is soft on pedophiles? Granted, I'm soft on pedophile jokes and am kind of a pedophile myself, but I have to draw the line at people who actually molest children. Assuming, of course, that the child didn't want it in the first place. See? Tasteless joke, but it didn't hurt anyone.

Okay, so for pretty much all the above mentioned stuff, not to mention the entire rest of my life, I will never get to be pope. But a man can dream, can't he?

All I can say is that the next pope had better not choose a lame-ass name. No, ETP, we're not getting a Pope Corky, no matter who gets tapped for a job. I just don't want to see another Pope Innocent. Out of all the Popes in history, I hate those motherfuckers the most. That, to me, is the same presumptuous, pretentious shit that leads people to name their daughters "Chastity" or "Charity" (although I do find it funny to think that once a girl named Chastity has sex, she's automatically a total failure in life). The popes who chose the name Pius also piss me off. No, it's not "pious," but it sounds the same and that annoys me. Pius can get in line right behind Innocent for a good cock punching. The next pope will be an ignorant fucker who has way too much influence over, well, everything, but all I ask is that he not choose a stupid name. Not like it matters, but I figure it's small enough that it's something I can reasonably hope for.

Just as a quick aside, I learned at least one new thing today. The guy who came just before John Paul II got to be pope for all of 33 days, which I found kinda interesting. Just some random trivia for 'ya, since we all know how useful that shit is.

I've also been re-acquainting myself with how fucking goofy religion is. Not just Catholicism or the rest of Christianity, but religion in general. Catholics are getting it bad now since they're at the plate, plus they always get it just because. But man, all of the stupid bullshit ceremonies and pageantries and centuries-old rituals that they have to go through with the passing of the pope is ridiculous. Having been to a Catholic wedding in my lifetime ("let us pray"), this comes as no surprise. But the litany of ceremonies and weird words and dumbass titles is just fucking retarded. How exactly does this get you closer to Jesus?

The other thing I find pathetic is all of the people who are really broken up over the pope dying. All over the world you have people praying and crying. And for what? Some guy you never knew? I've never understood this tendency to get upset over people you don't know. You know, I can see being a little bummed out, but bawling your eyes out? Grow the fuck up, would 'ya? Of course, I suppose if you actually grew up, you'd drop the whole religion thing to begin with.

So yeah, that's it. I just thought I'd counter the barrage of stupid pope crap with some of my own stupid crap.

For some reason, I've either never heard of or don't remember this particular baseball story, but it's kinda amusing. Also, fuck April Fool's Day. Actually, I could care less about the day, especially since it gave us things like this. Actually what I'm trying to say is fuck Slashdot on April Fool's Day. It becomes impossible to tell what news is real and what isn't, and there comes a point in the day where the editors go apeshit and are posting stupid, unfunny crap every five minutes. I get enough of dorks thinking they're clever on that site without needing it fed to me at that rate.

Before you say "Hey, dummy, just don't read Slashdot on April 1," don't. You clearly do not understand Slashdot or its readers. Sure, it's full of annoying fuckheads whose biases and agendas are full well known (editors and commenters alike), but it's fucking addicting. Much like drinking, smoking, coffee, internet chatrooms, and any other kind of bad behavior you can think of that people engage in, it's a hard habit to break. The fucking site is updated several times a day with, well, news for nerds, and there are occasional nuggets of actual cleverness or good discussion. That still doesn't justify the bullshit that is April Fool's for Slashdot.

I found this BBC slide show on how they attach the space shuttle to its fuel tank and rocket boosters pretty neat. The physics, power, and engineering that go into doing that have got to be pretty amazing. I mean, just imagine your task being to design a system where your top priority is "Don't drop the space shuttle."

Okay, so the Pope finally died. That's probably for the better -- for all of us. How did you enjoy Pope Deathwatch 2005? Personally, it got a little old for me. I'm glad it's done with. And it's better for the Pope because he doesn't have to deal with all this poor health shit anymore. Plus he was dumb.

It's been a good week for Death. In addition to all the regular Joes Death has claimed recently, he had a hat trick with three high-profile deaths in a matter of only a few days. The Pope, Terri Schiavo, and Johnnie Cochran. I find it extra amusing that two of those three high-profile deaths were ones that the Christians really, really cared about. All that praying and other such nonsense, and they're gone. Where exactly is your god for you know, Christfuckers?

Now that the waiting for death phase is over in the Pope and Schiavo cases, we can all move on to the next phase of those abominations. It looks like the next several weeks are going to be a total load of bullshit pageantry for the Catholic Church, all leading up to the crowning of a new Pope. Then with the Schiavo ordeal, there's all the bullshit that we're going to have to put up with as a result of one person being allowed to finally die after 15 years of not really being alive.

Hopefully it won't be too long before the front page of CNN will be the normal, useless, crappy liberal media coverage I'm accustomed to reading and passing on to you people. No more updating the Pope's condition every six seconds. No more seeing that fucking picture of Terri Schiavo's mother kissing her or Terri Schiavo looking blankly into the camera. Look, I'm sorry, but I can only take so much of that. It's just not something I want to be looking at constantly. It's sad and all, but if I really wanted to see that much of that, I could just go to the produce section and stare at the cucumbers or something for awhile.

Look, I'm not totally insensitive to what went down there. Well, okay, I wasn[t insensitive (really), but I became pretty insensitive towards the parents there at the end. Obviously that's an awful thing for anyone to have to endure. But there was one day when it was looking pretty grim in terms of getting the tube re-inserted, and the dad said something to the effect of "Everyone who wanted my daughter to die is getting their wish." And it's like, fuck you, pal. No one wants her to die. I mean, well, we didn't want to want her to die, we just felt it was the most humane thing to do. But once you start saying bullshit like that, yeah, I kinda do want her to die.

I also liked all the "expert" discussion from people who said she wasn't in a persistent vegetative state, like Bill Frist who saw a video. Thanks, doc. Did anyone see pictures of her from before she suffered the brain damage? Compare those pictures to what we've been bombarded with for weeks, and tell me that there wasn't some serious goddamn damage there.

There are probably few if any things more awful for someone to have to go through than burying their child. But like I said above, Terri Schiavo's parents really pushed the limits of sympathy. Are you trying to keep her alive for her or for you? As was pointed out by someone on a local talk show, the parents had kinda lost it anyway. They always referred to "our child" or our little girl" or whatever -- for a 41-year-old woman. Doesn't seem like they were in the best state of mind over the whole affair, but I do suppose that's understandable.

In the end, though, it really is none of our business. For most of us, we just spouted our mouths off about it with no real harm done. Sure we look like assholes, but some of us are used to that already. Then there were all those dumb fuckers protesting in Washington and outside the hospice and wherever else. To those people, on either side of the debate, a hearty "fuck you." You people need to get lives, and this is coming from me. I remember seeing a picture of some guy completely unrelated to Terri Schiavo crying outside her hospice and it's like, man, kill yourself.

An extra big "fuck you" to congress, Democrats and Republicans alike. These dipshits went beyond mere commentary by getting involved, despite the fact that I don't know how many judges over the years had supposedly settled things. Democrats are getting it for not doing anything to even look like they were trying to stop this (as usual). Republicans are getting it for being pretty much the biggest hypocrites ever. What's the shit we always hear out of them? States rights! Sanctity of marriage! Except when we need to make some stupid point about Jesus. Fucking cocksuckers.

Osco is still around?

I think the law should be extended so that if a pharmacist refuses to fill a prescription based on stupid religious beliefs (but I repeat myself), the pharmacist should not only be punished by fine and whatnot, but you should also get to punch him hard in the nuts. If it's a she or just some guy without balls, you should be able to tape nads on he/she/it like you do with all your action figures and then punch them hard.

I always get kinda weirded out when I discover that stores and other places I thought were long since dead still exist in other locales. Like when I found an Alco store in Canon City. Or one time I was in some shithole Utah town (like there's any other kind in that state) on my way to Vegas, and in that town I saw a Sizzler... Right across the street from a Godfather's Pizza. I can't remember what the name of that town was, but it really was a place that time forgot. Their Subway didn't have red wine vinaigrette sauce or provolone cheese, for Christ's fucking sake! I was sure to give the girl making my sandwich a hard time about it, which I'm sure she appreciated. Fucking Mormons.

Anybody who knows me knows what a huge fetish I have for miniatures. Read into that what you will, but I could easily go bankrupt collecting this stuff. That is just too cute.

Well, their suspensions may be soft...

Why is it always the greatest thing in the world when He shows up? Yes, capital "H" he. For some reason.

Also, holy fuck -- this is our life in one strip.

Here's what looks to be a decent 'blog: OverSpun. A bunch of liberal bullshit, and, more importantly, occasional clips from The Daily Show. Originally found linked over at Jared's.

Okay, so this is about as close as I'm gonna get to some kind of moral dilemma. We all know I'm down with the Clintons. I know that Hillary is just kissing ass with red staters for a potential run in '08. Sucking up to Republicans doesn't bother me too much -- keep in mind that I'm a conservative now -- but why does she have to be doing it on fronts like abortion and video games? Can't she side with them on taxes or something, and leave any of the nonsense "morality" stuff alone?

I also wonder if it's anything more than a waste of time for Hillary Clinton of all people to be trying to woo conservative voters. Many of whom have, you know, long since decided to hate her and Bill's guts no matter what they do. Seems like it'd be better to go with the Rove doctrine of working on your base, because we know the Clintons should easily be able to do that. Granted, Bill's thing was trying to be more moderate, but still. There are a lot of people out there who I don't see getting on board with Hillary Clinton... Ever.

"This is a silent epidemic of media desensitisation that teaches kids it's OK to diss people because they are a woman..."

Okay, please tell me that she didn't actually use the word "diss." The more she says shit like that, the less I'm gonna want to have sex with her.

Happy Pin 'Im Up Day. As my Easter gift to you, I present a webcomic originally found linked at WWDN: Diesel Sweeties. Look, you just can't go wrong with any comic that has cameos by, well, just go check it out and you'll like it if you're familiar with certain other webcomics. Also, I think that I may have to adopt the last line of this comic as some kind of new personal mantra. Finally, dude, what exactly is the problem with that?

Extreme Teabagging

One thing that I find utterly retarded is when someone (who probably got here via Google) leaves a comment for a post that's like a hundred years old. It becomes kinda irritating when the comment is something stupid (even if that one is kinda funny). Extra irritating when I have the perfect response. C'mon, fuckheads, be more timely with your comments or don't comment at all, lest I be forced to link old shit just to show people how goddamn clever I am.

A full page of new GYWO comics is up.

Google search:

Dead or Alive:Extreme Beach Volleyball characters almost naked

Dude, have you ever even seen the game? That's what the entire game is (although rumor has it that if you look hard enough, you can find somewhere in the game where you play volleyball).

One more for the road:

illicit hair cut

What?

It's been too long since I posted a link to a story about sexual fetish in Japan from MDN's WaiWai pages. Like I've said before, I'm far from an expert but I've learned enough about Japan that none of that stuff phases me anymore, but anyone relatively new here may appreciate a small insight into the Japanese brand of perversion. Or not.

Something interesting happened a couple of days ago. Well, interesting for my sad life. I was doing my usual round of bullshit checks -- e-mail, Fe linkers, other 'blogs, and 'blog traffic. When I got to Sitemeter for my Sailor Schoolgirl site, I saw the following number under the today's visits stat: 127,000. That's not a typo. Sometime fairly early in the morning, I got a link from somewhere, and traffic just went berserk. It looks like if you get too many hits on a site that's image-intensive, Angelfire will shut it down. That is, unless if it was just the high traffic that caused it to catch someone's eye at Angefire and they killed it for other reasons. Anyway, it's just that third index that got shitcanned; everything else is still up and running.

I don't know for sure what happened, since Sitemeter's free service only shows the last 100 hits, and the other pages generate enough traffic that the surge was long gone in the logs before I checked it. Right now my best guess is that it was due to the fact that my defunct page is one of the top search results if you Google (whether via regular Google or image Google) for "hoshino aki," an apparently popular model who has driven a lot of the traffic to that site.

As I type, I'm re-uploading index three to a new site, but who knows if I'll eventually end up in the 127,000 bucket again. So now, I'm thinking if I want to continue this Japanese hottie goodness, I should really look into getting an actual hosted site somewhere. I've been mulling this for quite some time now, but being me, it hasn't gone anywhere yet, assuming it ever does. And either way I go, I also need to mix in some advertising -- even though it may not have really done anything, I'm kicking myself for not having set it up before 127,000 happened.

In terms of hosting, I'm looking for something cheap which at the same time gives me decent bandwidth allocations. You know, I want everything for nothing. I'd like to keep doing this site since it seems like it's serving a purpose, even if that purpose is just helping other guys jerk off. Hey, I'm fine with that -- I know what a pain in the ass it is to find sailor girl pictures. But I'm not that into providing this public service, not to the point where I'll shell out too much, especially given the, ah, financial climate over here. Some of the lower-cost options I've come across are Lunarpages, Doteasy, and LiveRack. I need to look into those more, though, to read the fine print. Anyone out there have any suggestions for decent hosting solutions?

This is none of Congress's business, nor is it the business of anyone else in the government. Yeah, it's a sad story no matter which way it goes, but they need to stay the fuck out of it. But they can't! We live in a "culture of life"! Intervening to save one person all because of, naturally, Jesus. Meanwhile, we're killing thousands of people around the world and plenty more here at home. Wow, what a principled people we are.

"Bipartisan" bill. What fucking ever. This is led by the Republicans, plain and simple. You know, the people who are supposed to be about getting government out of our lives. Even if the Democrats are really supporting this, I mean really supporting it and not doing it because of some image issues, well, they're at least supposed to be the Big Government people. The Republicans, of course, have been both Big Business and Big Government for quite some time now -- at least a couple of decades. No, they don't want to help you with, say, Social Security or health care or a foreign policy that doesn't get everyone to hate us, but they will determine what you can and can't read or hear or masturbate to, they'll determine what you can and can't do with your body (hell, they'll even try and keep you from finding out what you can do with it, as the abstinence drive shows), and they determine when you live and when you die. But as we've seen, they're all too happy to play God. Which is funny, because they say that they really revere another god, one who has made it pretty clear that he doesn't like competition. That sounds like self-righteousness at best and outright hypocrisy at worst, but neither of those could possibly be the case with these fine souls, so I'll have to keep searching for the answers.

Meanwhile, I wish we could remove the feeding tubes of everyone on Capitol Hill. Whatever the fuck that means.

Hey, you know what? Maybe we should be encouraging teens to take abstinence pledges after all.

Look, I know this is coming from the liberal media blah blah blah, but c'mon. You spread institutionalized ignorance and kids are going to fuck up even worse than is expected of them. I've been over this issue too many times before, and while that usually doesn't stop me, I'm way too tired to get it on right now. You'll just have to come up with your own non-wit and uninsightful commentary with the standard jokes about underage girls mixed in for good measure.

Okay, I don't give a shit about anything in this article, but it does bring something to light that I need to bitch about. Whatever in the hell they're doing to Lindsay Lohan, it needs to stop. Everytime I see her showing up somewhere it just keeps getting worse and worse. She used to be so incredibly hot, and now... Well, jesus, what the fuck? This is so upsetting that I can barely put together coherent sentences, so I'm punting.

So let them.