At least I didn't get any shitty Slipknot lyrics in my e-mail

Then there are the people who show up here and blatantly do not get it. Instead, they get special mention and and humiliated publicly. And the award for worst costume this year goes to ... Stan, for his stupid little clown-thing costume. Let's all point at Stan and laugh, children.

Several weeks back, I had a precipitous drop in my traffic numbers. It was around the time I made my call for Ann Coulter to be raped and when I was ripping on Islam over the cartoon nonsense. It also could have been around the time when J-List de-linked me. There could be some interrelation there, or it could be none of that.

Just in case it was the making fun of Islam thing, I'm gonna point out again that Islam is ridiculous. Well, apparently, at least if you follow the letter of the law laid down by the Koran (since I do not know the Koran at all -- big shocker that I'm forming an opinion from a standpoint of ignorance -- I dunno for sure if this is pretty much what is says or if it's open to interpretation). I've gotta believe (or at least, I want to believe) that beliefs like this aren't mainstream with Muslims, but then again, there were shitloads of people protesting cartoons. And either way, some Muslim leaders are calling for death, and that doesn't bode well for being able to take a religion seriously. Because, you know, I take so many of them seriously.

Of course, this would not be getting much if any run here in America if it wasn't for the fact that the guy converted to Xtianism. Had he converted to anything else, except maybe Judaism and if Israel got wind of it and got pissed (meaning we have to get pissed too), we wouldn't hear shit and people like Bush wouldn't give a damn.

Okay, so I was looking through the OC messageboards after Jeffrey shut them down, and I came upon one of the best screen names ever:

HotRodBeefSquad

That's one of the best things since this one guy named Tom who was on a mailing list I was on several years back, and his e-mail address was tommunism@something.com. I think I'm going to have to rip off HotRodBeefSquad for one of my next posting names. That is, as soon as I can bring myself to give up the current one. You don't need to know why it's funny, you just need to know that it's funny. Some of this shit is just for me.

Okay, so on suggestion, I'm compiling some of the more recent search engine hits into one big post. The flow feels a little odd since I'm not used to building posts over a week's time like this, but it does have kind of a nice lightning-round style to it. I'll give this a shot for awhile and see how it works. I'll also await feedback from Natalia since she A) made the initial suggestion and B) is about the only one who comments consistently as of late. All that aside, though, this truly is another sampling that shows what a wasteland the internet, and by extension humanity, has become.

worn panties for mom

What, is this what you're planning to get her for next Xmas or something? You are a bad son or daughter. Or your mom is weird.

when a man don't love you anymore

You're assuming he loved you to begin with. And, considering your poor grammar, I can't blame him in either case.

YOU FUCK ME GOOD

Apparently, the new-and-improved MSN search really is new-and-improved.

is imitation crab and pregnancy

Is imitation crab and pregnancy... Is it what?! God fucking damn it, I am tired of this one. Long-timers can think back and remember me getting hits along these lines. Well, lately they're stepping it up, and I still don't know what the bloody connection is they're looking for.

"Rob Testes"

The sheer fact that someone went searching for this is fucking awesome.

fuck me necessary

Fucked into relevance -- nice.

should i leave my man ?

Considering that you're asking MSN this question, I hope your man is the one who leaves you. What is with all these sad sacks asking search engines for relationship advice?

girl fucks a swiffer

Swiffer Wet or Swiffer Dry? I mean beforehand, not after the fact.

do geniuses already know everything

How appropriate that this search was made by someone who, quite clearly, epitomizes the exact opposite of genius.

10 ways to get a girl to suck your dick

Not only does the search being made piss me off, but this is another one of those where the pickiness of their query makes me want to punch them in the face. Why does it have to be ten, you greedy fuck? Shouldn't a few of them be good enough for most situations? This is assuming, of course, that there were some kind of textbook ways to get head to begin with. This is the kind of guy shit I'm sick of, the kind of nonsense that gave rise to and has been reinforced by rubbish like Maxim. By the quality of your search, I can tell that there are only a couple of ways you might be able to get a girl to blow you:

1. Get rich (probably not likely in your case)
2. Save your allowance for a hooker

And just to mix things up, some spam:

Mum teaches her son proper sex

Because nothing says "proper" like incest between parent and child. I could really deal without my spam folder being an episode of Law and Order: Sport Utility Vehicle, thanks. I get enough of that in the chatrooms.

Jay Mohr is right. Granted, he is several years behind the curve in bitching about non-competitive sports for kids, but he says pretty much everything I have to say on the subject. All I would add is that if your kid can't handle losing, either euthanize him or keep him at home and inside for the rest of his life.

I think jokes about the World Wars might be the funniest thing going, as The Onion has shown once again:

Franz Ferdinand Frontman Shot By Gavrilo Princip Bassist

GLASGOW, SCOTLAND--Lead singer and guitarist for pop band Franz Ferdinand, Alexander Kapranos, is in critical condition today after being shot by a man identified as the bassist for rock group Gavrilo Princip. "We ask fans to cooperate with Interpol to find the assailant, and call upon British Sea Power, Snow Patrol, and The Postal Service for help," drummer Paul Thompson told music magazine NME Monday. "The suspect had links to The Decemberists and The Libertines, and we are following up on all leads." It is unclear whether the shooting was linked to The Polyphonic Spree's invasion of Belgium earlier this week.

Anytime you make a reference to British Sea Power, which may be the best band name ever, you are already doing something right.

In this week's issue, they also helped reiterate that sex offender jokes are also hilarious. I think they oughta start selling "Area Pedophile" t-shirts to add to their "Area" t-shirt collection, but somehow I'm guessing that won't be a top-seller.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

This is fucking insane. Anti-psychotics for ADD (I guess CNN didn't get the memo that we've dropped an 'H' in there, now)? That doesn't sound so good. I'm no expert in pharmacology or psychiatry (clearly, even though it's bullshit anyway), but from what I understand, anti-psychotics are pretty hardcore medications. The side-effects can be awful, even if they are effective in treating what they're intended for. Shit like schizophrenia. But ADD? In kids? Yeah, that sounds like a good idea. Assholes. Suddenly the "fuck it, let's just pump them full of Ritalyn and get them out of our hair" school of thought doesn't seem so bad. I don't even want to know what kind of Christina Aguilera monsters kids would see on these meds.

This is a few days old, but apparently Isaac Hayes isn't as cool as I thought he was. Yes, I know it's lame to dismiss someone so easily, but c'mon -- it's fucking Scientology. This does not detract from his work on Shaft or South Park, but I can definitely make fun of his potato chip commercials with a clear conscience now.

Merriam-Webster appropriately defines "pulchritude" as "physical comeliness"

Spam:

ravishing virgin and innocent little pulchritudinous pussies

I had never thought to describe any pussies as "pulchritudinous," but I like that. Bonus points for alliterating in this situation.

If you've been paying marginal attention, you heard about Russ Feingold introducing a measure to censure Bush over the whole NSA wiretapping thing. Of course, this is completely useless on his part, and it has given Republicans a chance to rehash all their bullshit lies and excuses ("It's legal because we say it is!"). In their "American Voices" section, The Onion, as always, found a way to describe the situation perfectly:

"This political move is like when I call my parents when I know no one will answer just so I can say I called."

This metaphor is, in fact, a succinct way of describing the feelings I've been trying to convey on the Democrats for a long time now, but of course The Onion's writers are geniuses and I am not.

Google search:

"all grown up" lolicon

What? God damn it. All grown up? Lolicon? That doesn't make any sense. By definition, one can't be a Lolita if they're all grown up. Don't you fucking people read, whether it be Nabokov or manga? This tells you how far we've fallen here at Fe, when even these people are fucking up like this.

When I see a headline about a panty thief, it should really turn out to be more interesting. I don't expect it to end up like that one episode of Full Metal Panic!, but that'd be extra sweet if it did.

I know it's supposed to be touching and all, but I am sick of this story, and I have been since I first heard about it months back. What, we're gonna kill countless others in Iraq and elsewhere, but oooh, look, we're saving one whole child! Fucking pricks. I'm sure the people directly involved with this do have emotional involvement with this baby's plight, but outside of that, it's just PR.

I've always found it disgusting to announce good deeds you've done, because that kills any remaining notion of altruism. Not that I really believe in altruism to begin with, except maybe in some rare circumstances. I'm sorry, but there's always something in it for you when you do a good deed, and unless if you have no time to think about it, you know it. And there's nothing wrong with that; just deal with it and get over yourself. But if you do do something nice, like with this baby, and then have to make a big, public deal over it, then it's degenerated into self-aggrandizement. In the end, the results are (hopefully) good and as such it was a worthwhile endeavor, but you're still a dick.

Natalia from Indiscretions just had an opinion piece on religion published over at the site Muslim Wakeup!. My readership here isn't exactly vast, but I'm still gonna do my part to spread the good word.

I received a highly amusing insult from someone calling themselves "Lia" in the guestbook today:

If brains were cotton wool you wouldn't have enough to make a tampon for a canary

That one's new to me, and I like it. I also was not aware that canaries had the kind of lady problems that warranted the use of things such as tampons. Yes, this one's already up in the "Praise" section on the sidebar.

Another amusing thing is that Lia rated my site a "6". Now, maybe with her (I'm guessing it's a her and not a he) system, 1 is the best, and 10 is the worst. But that still makes me a kinda middle-of-the-pack, "C" student type of blogger in her book. I wonder what kind of a site gets the lowest rating in her eyes. If this is any indication as to how critical she is of the rest of the world, we just might be able to get along.

I don't listen to people who look like they're dying of AIDS

Well, if Michael Chertoff says that bird flu could be here in a few months, then it's probably already here. Even if it is, I'm not all that worried. SARS! We're all going to die of SARS! Remember that nonsense? I bought into it for awhile and of course later realized I was dumb, but not this time. Fool me once, shame on me; fool me twice, god, what am I, a fucking idiot?

Chertoff attempted to reassure the public by saying the federal government has experience in dealing with such outbreaks.

It does? You do realize that Outbreak was just a movie, right?

"I can't predict, but I certainly have to say that we should be prepared for the possibility that at some point in the next few months..."

Predict, possibly...

And health experts fear that the flu strain could mutate, making it more easily transferable to humans. Such a mutation could result in a pandemic.

Could, could...

U.S. farming practices might help prevent an outbreak if an infected wild fowl enters the country, he said.

Might...

"... but there would be a reasonable possibility of a domestic fowl outbreak."

Reasonable possibility... BULLSHIT! Jesus Christ. The whole bird flu nonsense has been nothing but speculation. Endless speculation just to keep us scared since the terrorists aren't up to anything new and to distract us from all the other shit the government is up to.

Before I move on, I love the graphic that CNN has for bird flu:





That's hilarious, because that bird looks serious about giving you the flu.

H5N1 is a strain of the avian influenza virus that has killed at least 95 people since 2003.

Come on. Not including this year, that's 95 people over three years. Just over 30 a year. Ooooh, scary! At those rates there are plenty of other things you should be more worried about killing you. The dose of radiation you're receiving from your computer monitor in reading this post is probably as statistically likely to kill you as bird flu.

Yes, I know, the mortality rate for those who contract bird flu is not good, but at this point, it's not easy to catch. Yes, I know, it could mutate, but that hasn't happened yet. So just get back to me when this is actually something to be concerned about. And for all we know it won't turn into anything, and several years down the road, bird flu will just be a "woulda, coulda, and considering the state of humanity probably shoulda" footnote in useless history.

"Chuck Norris has AIDS."
- The Urban Legend

Google search:

is freeballing bad for you

Yes. If you freeball too much your nuts will rot off. The boys require at least two protective layers when you are out and about, except in special cases like swimming where the water can slow down the crotch rot action.

If you can't see the potential issues with going commando, and furthermore you need to seek advice from the apparently almighty Google, living is bad for you, and you should consider stopping that.

2

1

As if John Christopher, ERRRRR, Yanni, couldn't suck any harder. Allegedly. If this is true, I think Zamfir, master of the pan flute, should come over and kick his ass.

You can take the last line at least three different ways, and I'm pretty proud of that

Yahoo search:

cash will fuck my mother's ass

How does cash fuck anyone in the ass, nonethless your mother's, specifically? Or are you talking about Johnny cash coming back from the dead for a little butt sex with your mom? Cash is so hard that I could buy that.

Not the post you'd expect from me when a teen's legs are involved

Everyone knows that I'm a bad person. As you will see in a moment, that title is proof enough. Many of you, in fact, may be bad people in one way or another. But we all look great on a relative scale, because there are people who do shit like this running around out there. I immediately want to say something stupid like "I can't fathom why you'd do this," but of course, the answer is simple: you are a sick fucking retard. I may sit here on my high horse, making my jokes and leaving myself zero credibility to criticize, but screw that. The principle of what I'm saying still stands. Just like the founding fathers with the Constitution, where they espoused belief in equality but were white male, slave-holding landowners who rigged things so their group was above all others. Just because they were hypocrites doesn't mean the ideas aren't solid.

They'd better catch this jackoff. I'm not too hopeful, though, considering they did it once before and got away with it. And I could swear that the first theft and the unceremonious return went down a long time ago because I remember hearing this on Jim Rome, but whatever. Anyway, if they do catch them, they oughta be killed. But hell, they did it twice. Well, assuming it's the same person or persons responsible this time around. But if that's the case, I think that it deserves a harsher punishment, but what? Shit, I'm not sure. Maybe send 'em up to Quentin on a kiddy raper beef and be done with it. Bud White would approve, and you should, too.

For shit like this though, why not? Rome would say "there's a special place in Hell for people like this," but of course, I don't believe in Hell so we're gonna have to come up with something on our own. I don't care how sane and rational you think you are, you've gotta be able to get on board with this notion of seemingly harsh punishments for senseless crimes. And that's the biggest issue I have with stuff like this, the senselessness. Even when it comes to things like rape and murder, you can oftentimes come up with a good reason to murder or rape someone (think Ann Coulter; and I'm not necessarily saying you should do it, but I understand). But there's just no point to stuff like this, so we should get rid of you. No one's going to miss you. And it's not like you were gonna go on in life to cure cancer, so fuck it. You're gone.

Alright, nice. Yet another post that'll be thrown back in my face if I ever decide to run for public office.

Ooooooh, BURNNNNNN!!!!!

Google search:

JOKE TO DISS PEOPLE

If you have to make this Google query, just kill yourself. Nevermind the fact that "diss" isn't really common parlance anymore (unless you're Hillary), but I'm guessing that if you need Google so that you can "diss" people, all those people are going to eat you for lunch.