Dog shit taco

Okay, so I read this a couple of days ago, and naturally, it fucking pissed me off. I will never, ever understand why swearing is a big deal. My website is quite possibly one of the most profanity-laden pieces of shit out there, and not a single person has been harmed by it. Well, not that I know of. But there are people who have literally been visiting this shit heap for years, and they seem to be just fine.

And me? Well, I could be doing better on many fronts, I suppose, but things would be no better or no different if I no longer used profanity as a matter of course.

But even though we can't print them, we can certainly ask: Are we living in an Age of Profanity?

Dumbest and most useless question, ever.

Nearly three-quarters of Americans questioned last week -- 74 percent -- said they encounter profanity in public frequently or occasionally, according to an Associated Press-Ipsos poll. Two-thirds said they think people swear more than they did 20 years ago. And as for, well, the gold standard of foul words, a healthy 64 percent said they use the F-word -- ranging from several times a day (8 percent) to a few times a year (15 percent).

So fucking what? Statistics are almost all useless bullshit, but these have even less relevance than 99% of the rest of the pack.

He's not really offended by bad language -- heck, he uses it himself every day. But sometimes, a customer will unleash the F-word so many times, Cormack just has to jump in.

"Heck"? Give me a break. And stopping people from using "fuck" if they're using it excessively? Dude, you work in a fucking bar. Look, I've said it before -- you are not gonna come across as being very articulate if you talk that way. But if you don't give a shit about that, fuck it.

Actually, you know what? Fuck all that shit, Silent Bob. I may be lax quite often, but even still I have a pretty good grasp of the English language, and I can turn it on when I want to, which I do pretty regularly. You can have the best of both worlds if you play your cards right.

Or on the Senate floor, for that matter, where Vice President Dick Cheney used the F-word in a heated argument two years ago.

Yeah, remember what a big deal that was? Cheney orchestrates wars that kill thousands, but yeah, we should be concerned about Cheney saying "fuck."

"Do I have to be insulted right there in my own home?" she asks. "I'm not going to pay $54 a month for cable and listen to that garbage."

So either don't pay or don't listen YOU DUMB OLD FUCKING CUNT! God fucking damn it, re-reading this just now got me so pissed off that I nearly bit the inside of my own mouth. And no, bitch, you don't have to be insulted in your own home, but you definitely should be insulted there and anywhere else you drag that rotten carcass of yours.

"I tell them, 'I have a dictionary and a Roget's Thesaurus, and I don't see any of those words in there!'"

While we're at it, you can shove that dictionary and thesaurus up your ass sideways, lady.

And his wife? "She never swears."

Divorce the stupid bitch. Seriously, I could probably bend on a lot of things, but a wife who doesn't swear? Nuh-uh, that isn't happening.

They don't like it when people swear for no good reason.

Many of those who swear think it's wrong nonetheless.

Two more asinine statements. Wrong? I never, ever understood using swear words as a moral issue. How is it wrong? Where is the harm? Bringing harm unto others for no good reason is wrong. Killing people who believe things like the above is right.

What the world, or at least this uptight country, really needs more of with this bad language shit is me. I'm not kidding; this country needs my help to lighten the fuck up. I've noticed that at places where I spend a lot of time, I eventually lower the bar for language. Like my job back at school, or my current job. When I started both jobs, the language people used was pretty sterile. But as I got more comfortable with the people, I loosened up, and started talking more like I do here. Others seemed to follow suit, and it is good.

Look, there's a time and place for everything. Like I said, you don't do well for your image if all you do is swear. Shit, look at my image here. But the issue with this 'blog was that I started it in the frame of mind of talking like I'm talking to someone like ETP. In most situations, I'm smart enough to know what's appropriate and what's not. I don't let it fly when go into job interviews or make business phonecalls. But when I'm around people who can handle it or I'm at least comfortable with, shit's on. As I pointed out above, your language can be flexible if you do it properly.

But what about the children?! Man, fuck the children. No, I don't mean like that. Not in this post, at least. The only harm that comes from so-called bad language is because of the stigma we attach to it. Period. And as far as teaching them proper use of language, I'd basically teach them that there's nothing wrong with swearing, but they need to understand that there are gonna be people who will not be comfortable with it (as Carlin basically did with his kids, in case you've already heard this strategy).

As I believe I've said before, the only good thing about swearing being "bad" is that it makes it all the more fun to do it. Maybe we are more desensitized to it (although not really if I'm reading shit like this), but swearing would not have the impact that it does if most everyone was comfortable with it. Hell, this 'blog wouldn't be a goddamn thing if that were the case. So maybe I should just stop my fucking complaining. Yeah, that's pretty bloody likely.

I continue to find out things about Islam that prohibit any chances of me becoming a fan. I'm glad the couple is fighting it, but that doesn't change that this is really stupid.

When local Islamic leaders got to hear, they said Aftab's words constituted a divorce under an Islamic procedure known as "triple talaq." The couple, married for 11 years with three children, were told they had to split.

Insert displeased sighing noises.

Sohela would also have to spend a night with another man and be divorced by him in turn.

Yeah, there's really nothing more I need to say.

What could be cooler than being in a situation where David Hasselhoff has to stay the fuck away from you? The only people this would disappoint is the Germans. They build some great cars, but they have some shitty taste in music -- whether they disavowed all knowledge of the Scorpions or not.

Here's a quick roundup of recent webcomics, pretty much just so I can find them easily if need be.

Jeffrey Rowland is crazy -- right. Christ I'm embarassed to have phrased it that way, but his point stands. Larry the Cable guy is an unfunny retard.

The dialogue is not particularly funny in this one, but once I saw Weedmaster P's t-shirt my laughter nearly caused me to choke on the air I was breathing.

Transformers references are often great, especially when they're executed like this.

When he's not being pussified, Red Robot is the hardest motherfucker out there.

Penny Arcade seems to be sucking balls these days. One of the only ones I can remember that I found funny recently was this one, which was entertaining to me for pretty obvious reasons. Next time on IRC I think I'll tell Gabe that he and Tycho need to be funny and not lame.

Alright, so I guess (some of) the searchers in my traffic log are more imaginative than I thought, because it's pretty easy after all to put together big lists of fucked up shit and other random nonsense.

girls getting fucked by elephants

Christ, I'm not even sure what to say to some of these anymore. Ouch, I guess?

"man dies" from "watching anime"

Considering the quality of many (most?) anime fans, this should be happening a lot more than it probably is.

leave everything a little better than how you found it

I think my favorite searches are the ones that are wholly inappropriate to this site's content.

how to fuck mormon girls

How do you fuck a Mormon girl? You don't. Trust me, it is not worth it. If you recall, I never even came close to fucking that girl, and it was a goddamn nightmare as it was. I can only imagine the bullshit that would have come attached to any kind of relationship, nonetheless sex. Yes, for Mormons, a sample size of one is adequate.

fuck gringos jokes

If you find any good gringo jokes, let me know, because the half of me that's not gringo is all over that. Shit, the side of me that is gringo is all over that, because that's probably the side responsible for hating everyone.

Spam:
South Pole cervix

There's a joke in here, but it's just not coming to me. All I know is that when I hit upon it, it's probably not gonna be pleasant.

is it easier with a man when comes time to you know what

This is currently the most pathetic search hit I've gotten looking for sex advice. "You know what"? You are so repressed that you can't bring yourself to type words like "sex" or "fuck" into a search engine? To say nothing of what you're asking to begin with? Hey, you know what? I don't want you breeding.


java is the most fucking piece of shit language in the whole fucking damn fucking shit fucking fuck fuck fuck world.

Wow. I hear ya, dude -- Java is lame. But I'm not sure if anyone has ever gotten here via a search engine this pissed about anything.

correct way to mastubate

With knives. Seriously, I'm fucking sick of you kids who can't figure out what all of the rest of us have figured out, and I just want you to chop your dicks off and save us all the trouble. If, by chance, you're a hot girl, the correct way is with me helping out. Yes, I know it's complicated down there and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing, but that means we're both on about the same level, so it certainly wouldn't hurt to at least have some company.

how to fuck up the ass

I'd imagine you can fuck up an ass by putting something in it that's too big and doesn't belong in the first place. Like, say, an elephant cock.


women that would like to fuck me

Some of these just write their own jokes.

danica patrick aint got no tits

I'll tell ya what, guys. You take all the Sasha Cohens, the Danica Patricks, and any other reasonably hot small-breasted women and send them my way, ok? I'll know what to do with them. Yeah, if only I could come close to backing up that bluff. But man, fuck guys who are overly concerned about breast size. They all oughta be put on a train to a Happy Camp.

HOW TO GET EVEN WITH SOMEONE

I'll tell you how you get even with someone. Say, for instance, you're in high school, and you have this friend with rich parents and a nice house. Also say that he once gave you they key to his house so you could party while he and his family were out of town, and you made unauthorized copies of said key so you could use the house whenever you wanted, because you and your group of friends are assholes like that. Furthermore, let's say that one time when you were joyriding in the rich kid's Jeep Grand Cherokee Limited, that another set of friends led by a certain individual dropped by the house and made it seem like the rich friend and his family got back early from their vacation, scaring you and the other assholes out of your minds when you get back from abusing his SUV. You're, of course, pissed at this transgression, and especially at the ringleader. What you do to him is you wait a few years, and when the time is right, you fuck his wife and make sure he knows about it. That's how you get even with that motherfucker.

10 Ways to get a Girl to Suck your Dick

So as it turns out, Buck was right. This is an article worth writing. So I'm blogging it up. Some of this is review. Of course, these tips aren't sure-fire ways to help get head, but if you were expecting any kind of guarantee, you are dumber than Buck.

1) Get rich. Chicks dig dudes with money. Not all chicks. Well, the kinda chicks who would go down on a guy like me. Good point.

2) Stop listening to advice from magazines like Maxim. You know those advice articles you keep reading? You know, the ones where you read shit like "look at your watch, and then if she looks at her watch right afterwards, it means she digs you," and after you finish you say "That makes sense!" I have seen sad sacks like this, and they failed to get head.

3) Don't be me. I don't wanna think how long it's been since I've gotten a blowjob, so clearly being BLM is not conducive to getting sucked.

4) Reciprocate. If you're man enough, or thirsty enough, kick it George W. Bush school and pre-emptively reciprocate. Shock and awe! Shock and awe! I'm sure you will turn out as shocking and awe-inspiring as the beginning of the Iraq war, but if you want your pee-pee in her mouth, then you better be willing to have hers in yours. And for god's sake, don't go Larry David on her, either. Look, I don't expect you to be Mr. Pussy (since it's just gonna freak Charlotte out anyway), but let's see some enthusiasm down there. If you need to, just pretend you're at Red Lobster.

5) Don't get hung up on spitting vs. swallowing. Part of me thinks, well, if it's already in your mouth, why not swallow? But you know, sometimes when you get something in your mouth, you're like, damn, I don't want this in my mouth, and I certainly don't want it staying in my body for any extended period of time. Just be happy you're getting blown; if this concerns you too much, you don't deserve head to begin with.

6) Be polite. I'm not talking about the dinner or diamonds or whatever, but make sure you're ready to warn her when you're about to lose it. And no, Dane, you cannot say it into the seatbelt, the seatbelt isn't sucking your dick. I failed to do this once with my first girlfriend, and I've always wondered if that's part of why she eventually dumped me. It also could have been because she was a fucked up bitch, so it's hard to say. But she was not too pleased being "congested" the next day; that much I know.

7) Don't listen to me. I've already pointed out that being me is bad, but just listening to me is bad. I clearly don't know what the fuck I'm talking about, else the only "mouth" I cum into these days wouldn't be one that flushes.

8) Ask Dr. Ruth. She's awesome. Maybe she can't really help you, but who doesn't like listening to that dirty old Jew?

9) There is no #9. The list just needs to be 10 to please the marketing people, and because I haven't alluded to Carlin in awhile (that I remember).

10) Stop being yourself. No, I mean you need to be someone completely different. Have you taken a look at yourself? Would you blow you? I wouldn't. Neither would anyone else. You need to alter the very fabric of your being, and maybe -- maybe -- you can get some skank to put your dick in her mouth.

Now go ye forth and get ye some head, gentleman. Or don't, because you suck. Just not in a good way, unless if you can get flexible enough to suck your own dick. Technically, this isn't a tenth reason, since the whole point was to get a girl to suck your dick. I guess you could put a wig and some lipstick on and just pretend, plus you're already a huge pussy anyway. I heartily endorse this for many of you, because there's a chance you will end up snapping your spine, and we didn't need you to begin with.

At least I didn't get any shitty Slipknot lyrics in my e-mail

Then there are the people who show up here and blatantly do not get it. Instead, they get special mention and and humiliated publicly. And the award for worst costume this year goes to ... Stan, for his stupid little clown-thing costume. Let's all point at Stan and laugh, children.

Several weeks back, I had a precipitous drop in my traffic numbers. It was around the time I made my call for Ann Coulter to be raped and when I was ripping on Islam over the cartoon nonsense. It also could have been around the time when J-List de-linked me. There could be some interrelation there, or it could be none of that.

Just in case it was the making fun of Islam thing, I'm gonna point out again that Islam is ridiculous. Well, apparently, at least if you follow the letter of the law laid down by the Koran (since I do not know the Koran at all -- big shocker that I'm forming an opinion from a standpoint of ignorance -- I dunno for sure if this is pretty much what is says or if it's open to interpretation). I've gotta believe (or at least, I want to believe) that beliefs like this aren't mainstream with Muslims, but then again, there were shitloads of people protesting cartoons. And either way, some Muslim leaders are calling for death, and that doesn't bode well for being able to take a religion seriously. Because, you know, I take so many of them seriously.

Of course, this would not be getting much if any run here in America if it wasn't for the fact that the guy converted to Xtianism. Had he converted to anything else, except maybe Judaism and if Israel got wind of it and got pissed (meaning we have to get pissed too), we wouldn't hear shit and people like Bush wouldn't give a damn.

Okay, so I was looking through the OC messageboards after Jeffrey shut them down, and I came upon one of the best screen names ever:

HotRodBeefSquad

That's one of the best things since this one guy named Tom who was on a mailing list I was on several years back, and his e-mail address was tommunism@something.com. I think I'm going to have to rip off HotRodBeefSquad for one of my next posting names. That is, as soon as I can bring myself to give up the current one. You don't need to know why it's funny, you just need to know that it's funny. Some of this shit is just for me.

Okay, so on suggestion, I'm compiling some of the more recent search engine hits into one big post. The flow feels a little odd since I'm not used to building posts over a week's time like this, but it does have kind of a nice lightning-round style to it. I'll give this a shot for awhile and see how it works. I'll also await feedback from Natalia since she A) made the initial suggestion and B) is about the only one who comments consistently as of late. All that aside, though, this truly is another sampling that shows what a wasteland the internet, and by extension humanity, has become.

worn panties for mom

What, is this what you're planning to get her for next Xmas or something? You are a bad son or daughter. Or your mom is weird.

when a man don't love you anymore

You're assuming he loved you to begin with. And, considering your poor grammar, I can't blame him in either case.

YOU FUCK ME GOOD

Apparently, the new-and-improved MSN search really is new-and-improved.

is imitation crab and pregnancy

Is imitation crab and pregnancy... Is it what?! God fucking damn it, I am tired of this one. Long-timers can think back and remember me getting hits along these lines. Well, lately they're stepping it up, and I still don't know what the bloody connection is they're looking for.

"Rob Testes"

The sheer fact that someone went searching for this is fucking awesome.

fuck me necessary

Fucked into relevance -- nice.

should i leave my man ?

Considering that you're asking MSN this question, I hope your man is the one who leaves you. What is with all these sad sacks asking search engines for relationship advice?

girl fucks a swiffer

Swiffer Wet or Swiffer Dry? I mean beforehand, not after the fact.

do geniuses already know everything

How appropriate that this search was made by someone who, quite clearly, epitomizes the exact opposite of genius.

10 ways to get a girl to suck your dick

Not only does the search being made piss me off, but this is another one of those where the pickiness of their query makes me want to punch them in the face. Why does it have to be ten, you greedy fuck? Shouldn't a few of them be good enough for most situations? This is assuming, of course, that there were some kind of textbook ways to get head to begin with. This is the kind of guy shit I'm sick of, the kind of nonsense that gave rise to and has been reinforced by rubbish like Maxim. By the quality of your search, I can tell that there are only a couple of ways you might be able to get a girl to blow you:

1. Get rich (probably not likely in your case)
2. Save your allowance for a hooker

And just to mix things up, some spam:

Mum teaches her son proper sex

Because nothing says "proper" like incest between parent and child. I could really deal without my spam folder being an episode of Law and Order: Sport Utility Vehicle, thanks. I get enough of that in the chatrooms.

Jay Mohr is right. Granted, he is several years behind the curve in bitching about non-competitive sports for kids, but he says pretty much everything I have to say on the subject. All I would add is that if your kid can't handle losing, either euthanize him or keep him at home and inside for the rest of his life.

I think jokes about the World Wars might be the funniest thing going, as The Onion has shown once again:

Franz Ferdinand Frontman Shot By Gavrilo Princip Bassist

GLASGOW, SCOTLAND--Lead singer and guitarist for pop band Franz Ferdinand, Alexander Kapranos, is in critical condition today after being shot by a man identified as the bassist for rock group Gavrilo Princip. "We ask fans to cooperate with Interpol to find the assailant, and call upon British Sea Power, Snow Patrol, and The Postal Service for help," drummer Paul Thompson told music magazine NME Monday. "The suspect had links to The Decemberists and The Libertines, and we are following up on all leads." It is unclear whether the shooting was linked to The Polyphonic Spree's invasion of Belgium earlier this week.

Anytime you make a reference to British Sea Power, which may be the best band name ever, you are already doing something right.

In this week's issue, they also helped reiterate that sex offender jokes are also hilarious. I think they oughta start selling "Area Pedophile" t-shirts to add to their "Area" t-shirt collection, but somehow I'm guessing that won't be a top-seller.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

This is fucking insane. Anti-psychotics for ADD (I guess CNN didn't get the memo that we've dropped an 'H' in there, now)? That doesn't sound so good. I'm no expert in pharmacology or psychiatry (clearly, even though it's bullshit anyway), but from what I understand, anti-psychotics are pretty hardcore medications. The side-effects can be awful, even if they are effective in treating what they're intended for. Shit like schizophrenia. But ADD? In kids? Yeah, that sounds like a good idea. Assholes. Suddenly the "fuck it, let's just pump them full of Ritalyn and get them out of our hair" school of thought doesn't seem so bad. I don't even want to know what kind of Christina Aguilera monsters kids would see on these meds.

This is a few days old, but apparently Isaac Hayes isn't as cool as I thought he was. Yes, I know it's lame to dismiss someone so easily, but c'mon -- it's fucking Scientology. This does not detract from his work on Shaft or South Park, but I can definitely make fun of his potato chip commercials with a clear conscience now.

Merriam-Webster appropriately defines "pulchritude" as "physical comeliness"

Spam:

ravishing virgin and innocent little pulchritudinous pussies

I had never thought to describe any pussies as "pulchritudinous," but I like that. Bonus points for alliterating in this situation.

If you've been paying marginal attention, you heard about Russ Feingold introducing a measure to censure Bush over the whole NSA wiretapping thing. Of course, this is completely useless on his part, and it has given Republicans a chance to rehash all their bullshit lies and excuses ("It's legal because we say it is!"). In their "American Voices" section, The Onion, as always, found a way to describe the situation perfectly:

"This political move is like when I call my parents when I know no one will answer just so I can say I called."

This metaphor is, in fact, a succinct way of describing the feelings I've been trying to convey on the Democrats for a long time now, but of course The Onion's writers are geniuses and I am not.

Google search:

"all grown up" lolicon

What? God damn it. All grown up? Lolicon? That doesn't make any sense. By definition, one can't be a Lolita if they're all grown up. Don't you fucking people read, whether it be Nabokov or manga? This tells you how far we've fallen here at Fe, when even these people are fucking up like this.

When I see a headline about a panty thief, it should really turn out to be more interesting. I don't expect it to end up like that one episode of Full Metal Panic!, but that'd be extra sweet if it did.

I know it's supposed to be touching and all, but I am sick of this story, and I have been since I first heard about it months back. What, we're gonna kill countless others in Iraq and elsewhere, but oooh, look, we're saving one whole child! Fucking pricks. I'm sure the people directly involved with this do have emotional involvement with this baby's plight, but outside of that, it's just PR.

I've always found it disgusting to announce good deeds you've done, because that kills any remaining notion of altruism. Not that I really believe in altruism to begin with, except maybe in some rare circumstances. I'm sorry, but there's always something in it for you when you do a good deed, and unless if you have no time to think about it, you know it. And there's nothing wrong with that; just deal with it and get over yourself. But if you do do something nice, like with this baby, and then have to make a big, public deal over it, then it's degenerated into self-aggrandizement. In the end, the results are (hopefully) good and as such it was a worthwhile endeavor, but you're still a dick.

Natalia from Indiscretions just had an opinion piece on religion published over at the site Muslim Wakeup!. My readership here isn't exactly vast, but I'm still gonna do my part to spread the good word.

I received a highly amusing insult from someone calling themselves "Lia" in the guestbook today:

If brains were cotton wool you wouldn't have enough to make a tampon for a canary

That one's new to me, and I like it. I also was not aware that canaries had the kind of lady problems that warranted the use of things such as tampons. Yes, this one's already up in the "Praise" section on the sidebar.

Another amusing thing is that Lia rated my site a "6". Now, maybe with her (I'm guessing it's a her and not a he) system, 1 is the best, and 10 is the worst. But that still makes me a kinda middle-of-the-pack, "C" student type of blogger in her book. I wonder what kind of a site gets the lowest rating in her eyes. If this is any indication as to how critical she is of the rest of the world, we just might be able to get along.

I don't listen to people who look like they're dying of AIDS

Well, if Michael Chertoff says that bird flu could be here in a few months, then it's probably already here. Even if it is, I'm not all that worried. SARS! We're all going to die of SARS! Remember that nonsense? I bought into it for awhile and of course later realized I was dumb, but not this time. Fool me once, shame on me; fool me twice, god, what am I, a fucking idiot?

Chertoff attempted to reassure the public by saying the federal government has experience in dealing with such outbreaks.

It does? You do realize that Outbreak was just a movie, right?

"I can't predict, but I certainly have to say that we should be prepared for the possibility that at some point in the next few months..."

Predict, possibly...

And health experts fear that the flu strain could mutate, making it more easily transferable to humans. Such a mutation could result in a pandemic.

Could, could...

U.S. farming practices might help prevent an outbreak if an infected wild fowl enters the country, he said.

Might...

"... but there would be a reasonable possibility of a domestic fowl outbreak."

Reasonable possibility... BULLSHIT! Jesus Christ. The whole bird flu nonsense has been nothing but speculation. Endless speculation just to keep us scared since the terrorists aren't up to anything new and to distract us from all the other shit the government is up to.

Before I move on, I love the graphic that CNN has for bird flu:





That's hilarious, because that bird looks serious about giving you the flu.

H5N1 is a strain of the avian influenza virus that has killed at least 95 people since 2003.

Come on. Not including this year, that's 95 people over three years. Just over 30 a year. Ooooh, scary! At those rates there are plenty of other things you should be more worried about killing you. The dose of radiation you're receiving from your computer monitor in reading this post is probably as statistically likely to kill you as bird flu.

Yes, I know, the mortality rate for those who contract bird flu is not good, but at this point, it's not easy to catch. Yes, I know, it could mutate, but that hasn't happened yet. So just get back to me when this is actually something to be concerned about. And for all we know it won't turn into anything, and several years down the road, bird flu will just be a "woulda, coulda, and considering the state of humanity probably shoulda" footnote in useless history.

"Chuck Norris has AIDS."
- The Urban Legend

Google search:

is freeballing bad for you

Yes. If you freeball too much your nuts will rot off. The boys require at least two protective layers when you are out and about, except in special cases like swimming where the water can slow down the crotch rot action.

If you can't see the potential issues with going commando, and furthermore you need to seek advice from the apparently almighty Google, living is bad for you, and you should consider stopping that.

2