Friday, April 21, 2006
Another load of search engine shit. Behold:
fuck my deck
Sounds like a good weekend project.
sex pills for women to fuck anyone
Dude, if you don't know about roofies, then you are a failure as a date rapist. Which, I suppose, is a good thing, unless if this is Porky Pig and he's gonna see Elmer Fudd soon.
freeballing in track
"Dude, did you see that guy's balls?"
"Yeah... They were weird-looking."
women's panties/ built in dongs
Look, a strapon I can understand. But can any of you ladies explain to me the utility of an item such as this? "I want the comfort of a pair of regular panties, with the added benefit of others thinking I have a man's junk." That's all I can come up with at the moment.
girls who fuck on the water
Now that right there is a fucking miracle.
fuck me right
This doesn't make sense -- the Republicans are against fucking.
how to fuck a grill
... And something to do after we finish off the deck. I'm pretty sure I've gotten this before; are people just badly misspelling "girl" by transposing the 'i' and the 'r' and then adding an extra 'l'? Or are people really looking to fuck their grill? If it's the latter, here's a tip: you wanna do it right after you've cooked up some food on it.
is everything going to be ok
This search hit actually kinda depressed me, because you can just feel the naive desperation of this person coming through MSN search. They pretty much got their answer when they landed here, too. Of course, one shouldn't need my site if they have been paying attention to anything (as most people don't), or, shit, if they knew anything at all about entropy.
japanese hottie blogspot
On the surface, this is another hit that doesn't look too interesting. What is interesting is that it came from usdoj.gov. When I first saw 'usdoj.gov' in my traffic log, I was like, "oh, shit." But then I was pleasantly surprised to see this, my tax dollars at work. I can get behind this waste of tax dollars before a lot of others, though, which is pretty sad.
fuck my deck
Sounds like a good weekend project.
sex pills for women to fuck anyone
Dude, if you don't know about roofies, then you are a failure as a date rapist. Which, I suppose, is a good thing, unless if this is Porky Pig and he's gonna see Elmer Fudd soon.
freeballing in track
"Dude, did you see that guy's balls?"
"Yeah... They were weird-looking."
women's panties/ built in dongs
Look, a strapon I can understand. But can any of you ladies explain to me the utility of an item such as this? "I want the comfort of a pair of regular panties, with the added benefit of others thinking I have a man's junk." That's all I can come up with at the moment.
girls who fuck on the water
Now that right there is a fucking miracle.
fuck me right
This doesn't make sense -- the Republicans are against fucking.
how to fuck a grill
... And something to do after we finish off the deck. I'm pretty sure I've gotten this before; are people just badly misspelling "girl" by transposing the 'i' and the 'r' and then adding an extra 'l'? Or are people really looking to fuck their grill? If it's the latter, here's a tip: you wanna do it right after you've cooked up some food on it.
is everything going to be ok
This search hit actually kinda depressed me, because you can just feel the naive desperation of this person coming through MSN search. They pretty much got their answer when they landed here, too. Of course, one shouldn't need my site if they have been paying attention to anything (as most people don't), or, shit, if they knew anything at all about entropy.
japanese hottie blogspot
On the surface, this is another hit that doesn't look too interesting. What is interesting is that it came from usdoj.gov. When I first saw 'usdoj.gov' in my traffic log, I was like, "oh, shit." But then I was pleasantly surprised to see this, my tax dollars at work. I can get behind this waste of tax dollars before a lot of others, though, which is pretty sad.
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Der flammenwerfer
Wow. Just, wow. The bullshit has officially gotten so thick that you're gonna need to get out your flamethrower to bust through it.
When the NSA wiretapping program began, Mr. Joel wasn't working for the intelligence office, but he says he has reviewed it and finds no problems.
Yeah, exactly.
"Although you might have concerns about what might potentially be going on, those potentials are not actually being realized and if you could see what was going on, you would be reassured just like everyone else," he says.
Oh, ok, now I feel reassured.
And therein lies the problem he faces: how to provide enough insight into government intelligence efforts to ease concerns about privacy invasions while protecting the usefulness of secret programs.
The problem he faces? What problem? How hard is it to be a mouthpiece and rubber-stamp man?
Mr. Joel's mission, like those of the other privacy cops, appears aimed more at policy than policing. While there might be occasion to look into complaints, he says most of his work is focused on creating a dialogue with government officials, intelligence operatives and others so they're thinking about privacy and civil liberties and ways to tailor a program to ensure rights aren't compromised.
Alright, alright, now I'm comforted. When they do ill shit to violate privacy and civil liberties, it will make it oh-so-much better knowing that they had some dialogue and thought about it before doing what they wanted to anyway.
In other news, I'm creating the post of Officer of Bad and Tasteless Jokes to create dialogue and get me thinking about offensive material before I release it into the wild as originally intended. I will also be appointing a Swearing Czar.
Fuckers.
When the NSA wiretapping program began, Mr. Joel wasn't working for the intelligence office, but he says he has reviewed it and finds no problems.
Yeah, exactly.
"Although you might have concerns about what might potentially be going on, those potentials are not actually being realized and if you could see what was going on, you would be reassured just like everyone else," he says.
Oh, ok, now I feel reassured.
And therein lies the problem he faces: how to provide enough insight into government intelligence efforts to ease concerns about privacy invasions while protecting the usefulness of secret programs.
The problem he faces? What problem? How hard is it to be a mouthpiece and rubber-stamp man?
Mr. Joel's mission, like those of the other privacy cops, appears aimed more at policy than policing. While there might be occasion to look into complaints, he says most of his work is focused on creating a dialogue with government officials, intelligence operatives and others so they're thinking about privacy and civil liberties and ways to tailor a program to ensure rights aren't compromised.
Alright, alright, now I'm comforted. When they do ill shit to violate privacy and civil liberties, it will make it oh-so-much better knowing that they had some dialogue and thought about it before doing what they wanted to anyway.
In other news, I'm creating the post of Officer of Bad and Tasteless Jokes to create dialogue and get me thinking about offensive material before I release it into the wild as originally intended. I will also be appointing a Swearing Czar.
Fuckers.
Sunday, April 16, 2006
One of these days I'm gonna have a house with a lawn and I'm gonna erect a giant statue of Chairman Mao. It just sounds like a good idea. I'd do it now but I'm guessing the HOA would not approve of such a venture.
Saturday, April 15, 2006
I just realized that beating off on Easter should be referred to as "The Second Coming"
As I've pointed out before, I don't watch much TV. Again, I don't do it to try and think I'm cool like one of those people who brags about how they don't watch TV or don't even own a TV. And I'm not one of those people who refers to it as the "idiot box" and I think people who have a "Kill your TV" bumper sticker should drown themselves in a bathtub. Or, better yet, plug the TV in and drop it in the bathtub while you're in it too. How do you kill an inanimate object anyway, professor?
No, I'm not that kind of asshole (here at Fe, I never want to give you the wrong impression as to exactly what kind of asshole I really am). But I do still loathe most of what's on TV because it flat-out sucks, and that's why even though it wouldn't be such a financial burden at this juncture, I'm not bumping my cable package up above the basic $10 one I'm rolling with now. The only reason I have any cable, after all, is because having cable gets me a $10 discount on my internet service. If I get rid of cable, they hook me ten bucks more a month anyway, so it's a wash and may as well keep something.
You see, when I turn on the TV, I run through the handful of channels, declare that, once again, all that's on is rubbish, and then I'm done with it. Things were the same before when I had more channels, meaning that the results were the same but it just took longer to get through all the drivel.
About the only time I end up watching any TV is when I'm around ETP and BOETP. Since we're old and either have nothing to do or nothing we want to do, lots of times the TV ends up coming on and we look through all the shit. I saw a few things last night that I thought were worth mentioning.
The first thing we got into was some Christian programming. There is nothing worse on TV than religious shit, and the stuff we saw last night was (expectedly) a fucking atrocity. The first thing we saw that really sucked us in was a show called -- this is too stupid to make up -- Acquire the Fire. The theme for that particular show was how -- again, too stupid to make up -- Christianity was under siege and in grave danger of having its numbers dwindle. Why? Because of rampant marketing and consumerism that is taking young people away from Him. Most of the episode was dedicated to this story about the near future where only 4% of the world is Christian, and Christianity is viewed unfavorably in America. God, if only that would come true.
In the "future" world, things are basically a police state and everyone is a mindless drone who eats the shit that corporate America feeds them. You know, just like now. Only in ATF's future, Christian faith is driven underground and believers are dealt with harshly. Not as harshly as throwing them to the lions as I'd like, but hey. Anyway, the episode of ATF continues with a fictitious future show that is broadcast on "Internet 2", AKA i2 (clever, these Xtians are), which is the new medium for delivering masses of shit to the masses. The fictitious show is hosted by this obnoxious cunt who is probably Xtian in real life and should be thrown to the lions at any rate.
During one particular broadcast, a couple of "hackers" hijack the signal feed to try and spread the message and urge repressed Xtians worldwide to stand up for their beliefs. This is where things really unravel. It was bad enough before -- they're talking about people being mindless, and easily led and manipulated by others, and told how to think, and blah blah blah. Of course, the manipulator in their eyes is the corporate world, with the great irony being that everything they're complaining about is exactly what religion does to it's ignorant masses. But once the two "hackers" get caught, they really start rubbing this fact in, totally unaware of what dumb shitheads they all are. And it's not just that; this is when all sorts of childish humor that I guess is funny to Xtians kicks into high gear.
I don't want to be redundant here or anything, but I have to be in this case. Christians: your jokes aren't funny. I know you think they're super, but they're shit, errrrrr, number 2. The only religious people with good jokes, as we all know, are the Jews. And as ETP pointed out, the key there might be that Jews don't think their own jokes are funny, whereas Christians think their number 2 smells like roses.
In addition to deriding the rest of society for doing the exact same things that keep religion in business to begin with, there's the overarching theme of Christianity being under attack. You know, the same bullshit mentality that has Bill O'Reilly complaining about Christmas being threatened, and his constant ranting about "secularists" (oh, the ignominy of it all, in a supposedly secular country!). I mean, what the fuck? Yeah, Christianity is really in danger here. How many of you fuckers are there out there? It's like white males complaining "we're losing everything!" Fuck you, dooshe -- you already have everything, and could stand to give a little of it back since so much of it was stolen in one way or another anyway.
The creators of ATF even have this movement called -- yet again, too stupid to make up -- Battle Cry. Christ, that's pathetic.
Overall, though, it shows that these assholes just do not get it. There was one part where they were talking about the "future" and something along the lines of how "'separation of church and state' is repeated as a mantra" and frequently used to inspire police action. Hello? Separation of church and state, motherfuckers! That should always be used as a reason for taking some kind of action. Even though we don't have separation of church and state in this country, it's a really good idea that should be enforced you dumb stupid fucking retards.
Oh, and another thing: Xtians, your music, especially your shitty "rock" music, sucks as bad as your jokes. Don't even get me started on the music videos that accompany it.
I really wish I could convey what a farce this all was. The sheer hypocrisy was both mind-blowingly hilarious and annoying all at once. If you get programming from the Daystar Xtian TV network in your area, see if you can catch some Acquire the Fire and see for yourself.
Okay, I really didn't mean to go off on Xtianity like that, but you know I'm always happy to do so when it comes up. And I've been pointing out how stupid Islam is quite a bit recently, so it was due time to give the Jesus fucks a little bit of Fe love. Now on to other mindless ventures.
Another thing I did last night was force myself to sit through some of Carson Daly's talk show Last Call. Why did I do this to myself? I don't know, maybe the guestbook people are right and I really don't like myself after all. Either that or I had some liquor in me and, hey, why not get it on with an ugly whore when you're in that state. And that's what this show is; just a disgusting piece of street trash that everyone should avoid at all costs. Of course, there are plenty of morons out there with no standards, and they will get in bed with this skank of their own volition even when totally sober.
I didn't watch much, and I didn't need to. I mercifully switched channels before Molly Sims came on (oh yay, a stupid cunt who's not fucking attractive), but I watched enough to see all of the lame fucking jokes (I mean, sub-Leno type stuff), all of the shit geared towards younger audiences, and good god, the homophobia. Carson Daly: fuck you. You're a fag, and not the kind of fag that we like here at Fe.
Hi, I'm Carson Daly, and I'm a massive tool.
Is Carson Daly supposed to be cute? I get the sense that a bunch of girls would go apeshit over him, but not this girl. He just looks weird. Kinda like if you took Robbie Williams, shrunk his head along the x-axis, and then yanked hard on his ears until they stretched. But yeah, I think he's supposed to be attractive, or at least, that's how he's marketed. "You're just jealous because he can get a bunch of pussy and you can't, BLM!" Nah, that's not really it. I'm sure he can get laid pretty much whenever he wants, but that's not enough to invoke my hatred. I'm sure Clive Owen can get whatever trim he wants, and we all know how I feel about him.
Another talk show and its host that needs to be put to sleep is Jimmy Kimmel. Kimmel can be entertaining at times, but watching him for five minutes last night was also grating. The only reason I didn't switch the channel pretty quickly was because Charlie Sheen was on, and I am down with Masheen. For me, Sheen is up there in Clive Owen and Orlando Bloom territory. Honestly, though, if you, as a man, can't get on board with how good-looking Charlie Sheen is and what a bad-ass he is with that smooth attitude he's got, you're gay. I'm not impressed with Two and a Half Men, but that doesn't detract from what he is.
I'm getting off on another tangent here, though. One thing that came up while Kimmel was interviewing him was that Sheen is starting a line of clothes for little girls. Once more, I am not making this up. Look for yourself. Do a search for "Sheen Kidz" and you can find a sampling of what his line will be offering.
At first, I was like, this has to be a joke. Charlie Sheen making a line of clothes for girls seems about as appropriate as, well, me making a line of clothes for girls. But as the interview went on, I was like, no, he's serious. Then I verified it this morning, and there you have it. I suppose Sheen has cleaned up in the past few years, and he's a dad and shit now, so it doesn't seem as awkward as I initially thought. But still.
Out of the few channels I get, one is the Jesus channel, and two of the others are the Spanish channels, Univision and Telemundo. I'm fine with the Spanish channels; anyone who's watched one knows about the hot chicks on Spanish-language soap operas and Sabado Gigante. Don Francisco also kicks ass. But last night I caught a Ronco infomercial. Most all of us are familiar with Mr. Popeil's shitty gadgets, but I saw one last night that was just fucking disturbing. Keep in mind who this is coming from; I've either seen or imagined some fucked up shit, and what I saw really bothered me.
What vexed me so? The solid flavor injector. That right there is a big-ass syringe for ejaculating food into other food. And "ejaculating" really is the best word to describe it. It wasn't so much the product itself as the video that this particular infomercial had to demonstrate the product. Someone would shove the injector into a chunk of raw meat, and then they would show corn and other veggies being shot into the raw meat so that they could be cooked together after fertilization. They showed this from inside the meat. I don't remember if it was real or just an animation, and it doesn't matter in either case. The image of the veggies being pumped inside damaged me. It just looked unnatural. Watching it, I wasn't sure if I wanted to beat off or start screaming hysterically and crying. Probably all of the above.
Okay, so congratulations, you just spent Friday night with me. You'd probably rather not be around Saturday night, though, because I most likely will be beating off, I'm just not sure if I can do it without the haunting thoughts of that goddamn solid flavor injector. I will, however, be testing out my liquid flavor injector, if you know what I mean.
No, I'm not that kind of asshole (here at Fe, I never want to give you the wrong impression as to exactly what kind of asshole I really am). But I do still loathe most of what's on TV because it flat-out sucks, and that's why even though it wouldn't be such a financial burden at this juncture, I'm not bumping my cable package up above the basic $10 one I'm rolling with now. The only reason I have any cable, after all, is because having cable gets me a $10 discount on my internet service. If I get rid of cable, they hook me ten bucks more a month anyway, so it's a wash and may as well keep something.
You see, when I turn on the TV, I run through the handful of channels, declare that, once again, all that's on is rubbish, and then I'm done with it. Things were the same before when I had more channels, meaning that the results were the same but it just took longer to get through all the drivel.
About the only time I end up watching any TV is when I'm around ETP and BOETP. Since we're old and either have nothing to do or nothing we want to do, lots of times the TV ends up coming on and we look through all the shit. I saw a few things last night that I thought were worth mentioning.
The first thing we got into was some Christian programming. There is nothing worse on TV than religious shit, and the stuff we saw last night was (expectedly) a fucking atrocity. The first thing we saw that really sucked us in was a show called -- this is too stupid to make up -- Acquire the Fire. The theme for that particular show was how -- again, too stupid to make up -- Christianity was under siege and in grave danger of having its numbers dwindle. Why? Because of rampant marketing and consumerism that is taking young people away from Him. Most of the episode was dedicated to this story about the near future where only 4% of the world is Christian, and Christianity is viewed unfavorably in America. God, if only that would come true.
In the "future" world, things are basically a police state and everyone is a mindless drone who eats the shit that corporate America feeds them. You know, just like now. Only in ATF's future, Christian faith is driven underground and believers are dealt with harshly. Not as harshly as throwing them to the lions as I'd like, but hey. Anyway, the episode of ATF continues with a fictitious future show that is broadcast on "Internet 2", AKA i2 (clever, these Xtians are), which is the new medium for delivering masses of shit to the masses. The fictitious show is hosted by this obnoxious cunt who is probably Xtian in real life and should be thrown to the lions at any rate.
During one particular broadcast, a couple of "hackers" hijack the signal feed to try and spread the message and urge repressed Xtians worldwide to stand up for their beliefs. This is where things really unravel. It was bad enough before -- they're talking about people being mindless, and easily led and manipulated by others, and told how to think, and blah blah blah. Of course, the manipulator in their eyes is the corporate world, with the great irony being that everything they're complaining about is exactly what religion does to it's ignorant masses. But once the two "hackers" get caught, they really start rubbing this fact in, totally unaware of what dumb shitheads they all are. And it's not just that; this is when all sorts of childish humor that I guess is funny to Xtians kicks into high gear.
I don't want to be redundant here or anything, but I have to be in this case. Christians: your jokes aren't funny. I know you think they're super, but they're shit, errrrrr, number 2. The only religious people with good jokes, as we all know, are the Jews. And as ETP pointed out, the key there might be that Jews don't think their own jokes are funny, whereas Christians think their number 2 smells like roses.
In addition to deriding the rest of society for doing the exact same things that keep religion in business to begin with, there's the overarching theme of Christianity being under attack. You know, the same bullshit mentality that has Bill O'Reilly complaining about Christmas being threatened, and his constant ranting about "secularists" (oh, the ignominy of it all, in a supposedly secular country!). I mean, what the fuck? Yeah, Christianity is really in danger here. How many of you fuckers are there out there? It's like white males complaining "we're losing everything!" Fuck you, dooshe -- you already have everything, and could stand to give a little of it back since so much of it was stolen in one way or another anyway.
The creators of ATF even have this movement called -- yet again, too stupid to make up -- Battle Cry. Christ, that's pathetic.
Overall, though, it shows that these assholes just do not get it. There was one part where they were talking about the "future" and something along the lines of how "'separation of church and state' is repeated as a mantra" and frequently used to inspire police action. Hello? Separation of church and state, motherfuckers! That should always be used as a reason for taking some kind of action. Even though we don't have separation of church and state in this country, it's a really good idea that should be enforced you dumb stupid fucking retards.
Oh, and another thing: Xtians, your music, especially your shitty "rock" music, sucks as bad as your jokes. Don't even get me started on the music videos that accompany it.
I really wish I could convey what a farce this all was. The sheer hypocrisy was both mind-blowingly hilarious and annoying all at once. If you get programming from the Daystar Xtian TV network in your area, see if you can catch some Acquire the Fire and see for yourself.
Okay, I really didn't mean to go off on Xtianity like that, but you know I'm always happy to do so when it comes up. And I've been pointing out how stupid Islam is quite a bit recently, so it was due time to give the Jesus fucks a little bit of Fe love. Now on to other mindless ventures.
Another thing I did last night was force myself to sit through some of Carson Daly's talk show Last Call. Why did I do this to myself? I don't know, maybe the guestbook people are right and I really don't like myself after all. Either that or I had some liquor in me and, hey, why not get it on with an ugly whore when you're in that state. And that's what this show is; just a disgusting piece of street trash that everyone should avoid at all costs. Of course, there are plenty of morons out there with no standards, and they will get in bed with this skank of their own volition even when totally sober.
I didn't watch much, and I didn't need to. I mercifully switched channels before Molly Sims came on (oh yay, a stupid cunt who's not fucking attractive), but I watched enough to see all of the lame fucking jokes (I mean, sub-Leno type stuff), all of the shit geared towards younger audiences, and good god, the homophobia. Carson Daly: fuck you. You're a fag, and not the kind of fag that we like here at Fe.
Hi, I'm Carson Daly, and I'm a massive tool.
Is Carson Daly supposed to be cute? I get the sense that a bunch of girls would go apeshit over him, but not this girl. He just looks weird. Kinda like if you took Robbie Williams, shrunk his head along the x-axis, and then yanked hard on his ears until they stretched. But yeah, I think he's supposed to be attractive, or at least, that's how he's marketed. "You're just jealous because he can get a bunch of pussy and you can't, BLM!" Nah, that's not really it. I'm sure he can get laid pretty much whenever he wants, but that's not enough to invoke my hatred. I'm sure Clive Owen can get whatever trim he wants, and we all know how I feel about him.
Another talk show and its host that needs to be put to sleep is Jimmy Kimmel. Kimmel can be entertaining at times, but watching him for five minutes last night was also grating. The only reason I didn't switch the channel pretty quickly was because Charlie Sheen was on, and I am down with Masheen. For me, Sheen is up there in Clive Owen and Orlando Bloom territory. Honestly, though, if you, as a man, can't get on board with how good-looking Charlie Sheen is and what a bad-ass he is with that smooth attitude he's got, you're gay. I'm not impressed with Two and a Half Men, but that doesn't detract from what he is.
I'm getting off on another tangent here, though. One thing that came up while Kimmel was interviewing him was that Sheen is starting a line of clothes for little girls. Once more, I am not making this up. Look for yourself. Do a search for "Sheen Kidz" and you can find a sampling of what his line will be offering.
At first, I was like, this has to be a joke. Charlie Sheen making a line of clothes for girls seems about as appropriate as, well, me making a line of clothes for girls. But as the interview went on, I was like, no, he's serious. Then I verified it this morning, and there you have it. I suppose Sheen has cleaned up in the past few years, and he's a dad and shit now, so it doesn't seem as awkward as I initially thought. But still.
Out of the few channels I get, one is the Jesus channel, and two of the others are the Spanish channels, Univision and Telemundo. I'm fine with the Spanish channels; anyone who's watched one knows about the hot chicks on Spanish-language soap operas and Sabado Gigante. Don Francisco also kicks ass. But last night I caught a Ronco infomercial. Most all of us are familiar with Mr. Popeil's shitty gadgets, but I saw one last night that was just fucking disturbing. Keep in mind who this is coming from; I've either seen or imagined some fucked up shit, and what I saw really bothered me.
What vexed me so? The solid flavor injector. That right there is a big-ass syringe for ejaculating food into other food. And "ejaculating" really is the best word to describe it. It wasn't so much the product itself as the video that this particular infomercial had to demonstrate the product. Someone would shove the injector into a chunk of raw meat, and then they would show corn and other veggies being shot into the raw meat so that they could be cooked together after fertilization. They showed this from inside the meat. I don't remember if it was real or just an animation, and it doesn't matter in either case. The image of the veggies being pumped inside damaged me. It just looked unnatural. Watching it, I wasn't sure if I wanted to beat off or start screaming hysterically and crying. Probably all of the above.
Okay, so congratulations, you just spent Friday night with me. You'd probably rather not be around Saturday night, though, because I most likely will be beating off, I'm just not sure if I can do it without the haunting thoughts of that goddamn solid flavor injector. I will, however, be testing out my liquid flavor injector, if you know what I mean.
Thursday, April 13, 2006
Sometimes nigga you gotta race quit your fucking bitching
I like Dave Chappelle. He's a funny guy, and has to be in my top ten list of comics. I never saw much of Chappelle's Show, but I am certainly sick and tired of hearing shit about him quitting it. If it's finally done, and never coming back, fine. Shut the fuck up about it, Dave. I'm tired of all the whiney excuses. "I had to sell out, boo hoo!" is basically how it's coming across.
Sorry, but that seems to be the nature of things in that business. Someone throws fifty mill at you, which you agree to, and I'm guessing you're going to have to allow yourself to be compromised. That doesn't make it right; that's just how it is. I don't doubt that he went through some shit, and it's hard to fault someone for sticking to principle. Except when they sign that big contract beforehand while knowing full well what's probably gonna happen.
"I felt like I was really pressured to settle for something that I didn't necessarily feel like I wanted."
Again, boo hoo. Sell out or don't, I don't give a shit, but quit the nonsense complaining.
"The thing about show business is that, in a way, it forces dysfunctional relationships in people."
Duh. Not a single one of us needs to be in show business to know that everyone involved in it is fucked up.
"The bottom line was, white people own everything, and where can a black person go and be himself or say something that's familiar to him and not have to explain or apologize?"
And quitting your show helps this situation how?
I should really reserve judgment until I've read the full article (which I won't), but this seems pretty consistent with everything I've heard since he went AWOL. Let's all go watch Killin' Them Softly, which is one of the better comedy specials ever put together, and try and forget all this ever happened.
Sorry, but that seems to be the nature of things in that business. Someone throws fifty mill at you, which you agree to, and I'm guessing you're going to have to allow yourself to be compromised. That doesn't make it right; that's just how it is. I don't doubt that he went through some shit, and it's hard to fault someone for sticking to principle. Except when they sign that big contract beforehand while knowing full well what's probably gonna happen.
"I felt like I was really pressured to settle for something that I didn't necessarily feel like I wanted."
Again, boo hoo. Sell out or don't, I don't give a shit, but quit the nonsense complaining.
"The thing about show business is that, in a way, it forces dysfunctional relationships in people."
Duh. Not a single one of us needs to be in show business to know that everyone involved in it is fucked up.
"The bottom line was, white people own everything, and where can a black person go and be himself or say something that's familiar to him and not have to explain or apologize?"
And quitting your show helps this situation how?
I should really reserve judgment until I've read the full article (which I won't), but this seems pretty consistent with everything I've heard since he went AWOL. Let's all go watch Killin' Them Softly, which is one of the better comedy specials ever put together, and try and forget all this ever happened.
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
hello.jpg
So I was reading yesterday that Muhammad Ali made some crazy jack selling the marketing rights to himself. That's fine by me. And it's pretty logical for any Muhammad Ali business venture to have "The Greatest of All Time" attached to it, but I don't know if they should really be putting that acronym out there -- G.O.A.T. It just doesn't seem right. Plus, it makes me want to start a business whose acronym is G.O.A.T.S.E., which, of course, stands for "The Greatest of All Time Shakes Endlessly."
That may be tasteless, but many if not most of you won't get how unnecessary it really is. And honestly, I don't have much sympathy for boxers who develop neurological disorders since, after all, their job involves repeatedly getting punched in the head.
This is also an excuse to bring up one of my favorite jokes of all-time, which comes to us from The Onion:
New Grill To Revive Foreman-Ali Rivalry
That may be tasteless, but many if not most of you won't get how unnecessary it really is. And honestly, I don't have much sympathy for boxers who develop neurological disorders since, after all, their job involves repeatedly getting punched in the head.
This is also an excuse to bring up one of my favorite jokes of all-time, which comes to us from The Onion:
New Grill To Revive Foreman-Ali Rivalry
What?
I got several hits in a row where that was my immediate reaction, so I decided to get kind of a theme going and shoehorn what came after into that theme. I'm clever. It's working out pretty well for me. Either that, or, it gets old pretty quickly, but if I come up with an idea, god damn if I don't execute on it (within the allowed 7%, of course). But yeah, a lot of the hits I get make you question, well, everything.
chewbacca nudie pics
What? Isn't Chewbacca always naked? Or are you one of those kinky fucks who's into shaved Wookie?
m5 is a piece of shit
What? Is it an E39 or E60? Yeah, those are pieces of shit. I suppose I could go through the trouble and take it off your hands for you.
smb3 sucks the god damn fucking game is to fucking hard
What? How big of a dumbass pussy do you have to be to be to get this frustrated over Super Mario Brothers 3? That's, like, one of the best games ever. It's up there with Zelda and shit. But is it hard? The game isn't Super R-Type on novice easy, nor is it the recent Ninja Gaiden hard. It's just about right, I'd say. I know this has become my solution to nearly everything, but if you are having this much trouble with SMB3, just kill yourself.
oh how i hate you and everything you stand for because you are that everything the perfect metaphor
What?
different ways to fuck your wife
What? Since when do married couples have sex with each other? I suppose it could happen, though. And if so, how bad do you feel for this guy's wife? I guess in the end I don't feel too bad; it's your fault if you marry a stem like this. I'm sure that was a fun courtship. "Fuck me." "Wait, first I need to do some Google searches."
proper way to give a blowjob
What? I've never understood how, with minimal thought and effort, you can fuck up a blowjob. Do I need to make another list of 10? Sure, there are going to be different levels in terms of head quality, but I have never seen how it could be anything but good unless if teeth end up involved. For me, at least. I'm sure some guys dig that; if you read this week's Savage Love, you see that there are some guys who like getting their balls cut off. And you know what? If a guy wants his cock chewed or his nuts chopped off, indulge him. You're doing everyone else a favor.
cool shit to do in chicago
What? Kill yourself.
"pseudo-adult" definition
Ibid.
Oh, and to close out, one more question: why are we walking like this?
chewbacca nudie pics
What? Isn't Chewbacca always naked? Or are you one of those kinky fucks who's into shaved Wookie?
m5 is a piece of shit
What? Is it an E39 or E60? Yeah, those are pieces of shit. I suppose I could go through the trouble and take it off your hands for you.
smb3 sucks the god damn fucking game is to fucking hard
What? How big of a dumbass pussy do you have to be to be to get this frustrated over Super Mario Brothers 3? That's, like, one of the best games ever. It's up there with Zelda and shit. But is it hard? The game isn't Super R-Type on novice easy, nor is it the recent Ninja Gaiden hard. It's just about right, I'd say. I know this has become my solution to nearly everything, but if you are having this much trouble with SMB3, just kill yourself.
oh how i hate you and everything you stand for because you are that everything the perfect metaphor
What?
different ways to fuck your wife
What? Since when do married couples have sex with each other? I suppose it could happen, though. And if so, how bad do you feel for this guy's wife? I guess in the end I don't feel too bad; it's your fault if you marry a stem like this. I'm sure that was a fun courtship. "Fuck me." "Wait, first I need to do some Google searches."
proper way to give a blowjob
What? I've never understood how, with minimal thought and effort, you can fuck up a blowjob. Do I need to make another list of 10? Sure, there are going to be different levels in terms of head quality, but I have never seen how it could be anything but good unless if teeth end up involved. For me, at least. I'm sure some guys dig that; if you read this week's Savage Love, you see that there are some guys who like getting their balls cut off. And you know what? If a guy wants his cock chewed or his nuts chopped off, indulge him. You're doing everyone else a favor.
cool shit to do in chicago
What? Kill yourself.
"pseudo-adult" definition
Ibid.
Oh, and to close out, one more question: why are we walking like this?
Monday, April 10, 2006
Back off, man. I'm a scientist.
This just in: praying doesn't do shit. Okay, that's not just in; I read that last week. And I knew praying was stupid long before that. But anyway, I find it rather embarrassing that a respected institution like Duke would waste their time with something like this. Sure, it puts some kind of clinical, official stamp on the issue, but this is something we should all know if we're not idiots, which many of us are.
I find this even more embarassing than that whole rape scandal they have going on. No, not that one. But when it comes to student athletes getting drunk, going nuts, raping strippers, errrrr, exotic dancers, and sending e-mails about skinning people alive, we expect that, at least from the guys. And this is why male student athletes should be exterminated.
Distant prayer and the bedside use of music, imagery and touch (MIT therapy) did not have a significant effect upon the primary clinical outcome observed in patients... Therapeutic effects were noted, however, among secondary measures...
If you don't already know this, you're a retard. Can I get a job on staff at Duke Medical? If you know people are praying for you or you are praying yourself, I can see how it could have some side benefits. By lowering stress and whatnot it may help matters a little, but it's not going to directly fix what's wrong. And why not? Do I even need to answer that question here anymore?
I really don't have anything new to add to this notion since I've been over this before, but it really does need to be said once more what a bunch of weak-ass shit prayer is. Praying for yourself is bad enough, but the absolute worst is praying for someone else. That is the biggest fucking cop-out ever. Nah, I'm not going to do anything real to help this person; I'm going to say some words (maybe not even out loud) to a man who doesn't exist or wouldn't do shit anyway even if he did. It's merely a way for the powerless to feel like they're doing something or having an impact when they aren't.
Another religious item that came up recently was this, which is yet another waste of fucking time. Okay, it pisses of some Christfuckers, so it's not a total waste, but really. Do we need to explain those stories from the bible, events which for all we know may or may not have ever happened? Maybe Jesus really walked on water. Maybe it was actually something he was floating on. Or maybe, just maybe it's all total made-up bullshit. We have no way of knowing what happened, if anything, because none of us were there. So stop all this intellectual masturbating, for Christ's sake.
I find this even more embarassing than that whole rape scandal they have going on. No, not that one. But when it comes to student athletes getting drunk, going nuts, raping strippers, errrrr, exotic dancers, and sending e-mails about skinning people alive, we expect that, at least from the guys. And this is why male student athletes should be exterminated.
Distant prayer and the bedside use of music, imagery and touch (MIT therapy) did not have a significant effect upon the primary clinical outcome observed in patients... Therapeutic effects were noted, however, among secondary measures...
If you don't already know this, you're a retard. Can I get a job on staff at Duke Medical? If you know people are praying for you or you are praying yourself, I can see how it could have some side benefits. By lowering stress and whatnot it may help matters a little, but it's not going to directly fix what's wrong. And why not? Do I even need to answer that question here anymore?
I really don't have anything new to add to this notion since I've been over this before, but it really does need to be said once more what a bunch of weak-ass shit prayer is. Praying for yourself is bad enough, but the absolute worst is praying for someone else. That is the biggest fucking cop-out ever. Nah, I'm not going to do anything real to help this person; I'm going to say some words (maybe not even out loud) to a man who doesn't exist or wouldn't do shit anyway even if he did. It's merely a way for the powerless to feel like they're doing something or having an impact when they aren't.
Another religious item that came up recently was this, which is yet another waste of fucking time. Okay, it pisses of some Christfuckers, so it's not a total waste, but really. Do we need to explain those stories from the bible, events which for all we know may or may not have ever happened? Maybe Jesus really walked on water. Maybe it was actually something he was floating on. Or maybe, just maybe it's all total made-up bullshit. We have no way of knowing what happened, if anything, because none of us were there. So stop all this intellectual masturbating, for Christ's sake.
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Saturday, April 01, 2006
Dog shit taco
Okay, so I read this a couple of days ago, and naturally, it fucking pissed me off. I will never, ever understand why swearing is a big deal. My website is quite possibly one of the most profanity-laden pieces of shit out there, and not a single person has been harmed by it. Well, not that I know of. But there are people who have literally been visiting this shit heap for years, and they seem to be just fine.
And me? Well, I could be doing better on many fronts, I suppose, but things would be no better or no different if I no longer used profanity as a matter of course.
But even though we can't print them, we can certainly ask: Are we living in an Age of Profanity?
Dumbest and most useless question, ever.
Nearly three-quarters of Americans questioned last week -- 74 percent -- said they encounter profanity in public frequently or occasionally, according to an Associated Press-Ipsos poll. Two-thirds said they think people swear more than they did 20 years ago. And as for, well, the gold standard of foul words, a healthy 64 percent said they use the F-word -- ranging from several times a day (8 percent) to a few times a year (15 percent).
So fucking what? Statistics are almost all useless bullshit, but these have even less relevance than 99% of the rest of the pack.
He's not really offended by bad language -- heck, he uses it himself every day. But sometimes, a customer will unleash the F-word so many times, Cormack just has to jump in.
"Heck"? Give me a break. And stopping people from using "fuck" if they're using it excessively? Dude, you work in a fucking bar. Look, I've said it before -- you are not gonna come across as being very articulate if you talk that way. But if you don't give a shit about that, fuck it.
Actually, you know what? Fuck all that shit, Silent Bob. I may be lax quite often, but even still I have a pretty good grasp of the English language, and I can turn it on when I want to, which I do pretty regularly. You can have the best of both worlds if you play your cards right.
Or on the Senate floor, for that matter, where Vice President Dick Cheney used the F-word in a heated argument two years ago.
Yeah, remember what a big deal that was? Cheney orchestrates wars that kill thousands, but yeah, we should be concerned about Cheney saying "fuck."
"Do I have to be insulted right there in my own home?" she asks. "I'm not going to pay $54 a month for cable and listen to that garbage."
So either don't pay or don't listen YOU DUMB OLD FUCKING CUNT! God fucking damn it, re-reading this just now got me so pissed off that I nearly bit the inside of my own mouth. And no, bitch, you don't have to be insulted in your own home, but you definitely should be insulted there and anywhere else you drag that rotten carcass of yours.
"I tell them, 'I have a dictionary and a Roget's Thesaurus, and I don't see any of those words in there!'"
While we're at it, you can shove that dictionary and thesaurus up your ass sideways, lady.
And his wife? "She never swears."
Divorce the stupid bitch. Seriously, I could probably bend on a lot of things, but a wife who doesn't swear? Nuh-uh, that isn't happening.
They don't like it when people swear for no good reason.
Many of those who swear think it's wrong nonetheless.
Two more asinine statements. Wrong? I never, ever understood using swear words as a moral issue. How is it wrong? Where is the harm? Bringing harm unto others for no good reason is wrong. Killing people who believe things like the above is right.
What the world, or at least this uptight country, really needs more of with this bad language shit is me. I'm not kidding; this country needs my help to lighten the fuck up. I've noticed that at places where I spend a lot of time, I eventually lower the bar for language. Like my job back at school, or my current job. When I started both jobs, the language people used was pretty sterile. But as I got more comfortable with the people, I loosened up, and started talking more like I do here. Others seemed to follow suit, and it is good.
Look, there's a time and place for everything. Like I said, you don't do well for your image if all you do is swear. Shit, look at my image here. But the issue with this 'blog was that I started it in the frame of mind of talking like I'm talking to someone like ETP. In most situations, I'm smart enough to know what's appropriate and what's not. I don't let it fly when go into job interviews or make business phonecalls. But when I'm around people who can handle it or I'm at least comfortable with, shit's on. As I pointed out above, your language can be flexible if you do it properly.
But what about the children?! Man, fuck the children. No, I don't mean like that. Not in this post, at least. The only harm that comes from so-called bad language is because of the stigma we attach to it. Period. And as far as teaching them proper use of language, I'd basically teach them that there's nothing wrong with swearing, but they need to understand that there are gonna be people who will not be comfortable with it (as Carlin basically did with his kids, in case you've already heard this strategy).
As I believe I've said before, the only good thing about swearing being "bad" is that it makes it all the more fun to do it. Maybe we are more desensitized to it (although not really if I'm reading shit like this), but swearing would not have the impact that it does if most everyone was comfortable with it. Hell, this 'blog wouldn't be a goddamn thing if that were the case. So maybe I should just stop my fucking complaining. Yeah, that's pretty bloody likely.
And me? Well, I could be doing better on many fronts, I suppose, but things would be no better or no different if I no longer used profanity as a matter of course.
But even though we can't print them, we can certainly ask: Are we living in an Age of Profanity?
Dumbest and most useless question, ever.
Nearly three-quarters of Americans questioned last week -- 74 percent -- said they encounter profanity in public frequently or occasionally, according to an Associated Press-Ipsos poll. Two-thirds said they think people swear more than they did 20 years ago. And as for, well, the gold standard of foul words, a healthy 64 percent said they use the F-word -- ranging from several times a day (8 percent) to a few times a year (15 percent).
So fucking what? Statistics are almost all useless bullshit, but these have even less relevance than 99% of the rest of the pack.
He's not really offended by bad language -- heck, he uses it himself every day. But sometimes, a customer will unleash the F-word so many times, Cormack just has to jump in.
"Heck"? Give me a break. And stopping people from using "fuck" if they're using it excessively? Dude, you work in a fucking bar. Look, I've said it before -- you are not gonna come across as being very articulate if you talk that way. But if you don't give a shit about that, fuck it.
Actually, you know what? Fuck all that shit, Silent Bob. I may be lax quite often, but even still I have a pretty good grasp of the English language, and I can turn it on when I want to, which I do pretty regularly. You can have the best of both worlds if you play your cards right.
Or on the Senate floor, for that matter, where Vice President Dick Cheney used the F-word in a heated argument two years ago.
Yeah, remember what a big deal that was? Cheney orchestrates wars that kill thousands, but yeah, we should be concerned about Cheney saying "fuck."
"Do I have to be insulted right there in my own home?" she asks. "I'm not going to pay $54 a month for cable and listen to that garbage."
So either don't pay or don't listen YOU DUMB OLD FUCKING CUNT! God fucking damn it, re-reading this just now got me so pissed off that I nearly bit the inside of my own mouth. And no, bitch, you don't have to be insulted in your own home, but you definitely should be insulted there and anywhere else you drag that rotten carcass of yours.
"I tell them, 'I have a dictionary and a Roget's Thesaurus, and I don't see any of those words in there!'"
While we're at it, you can shove that dictionary and thesaurus up your ass sideways, lady.
And his wife? "She never swears."
Divorce the stupid bitch. Seriously, I could probably bend on a lot of things, but a wife who doesn't swear? Nuh-uh, that isn't happening.
They don't like it when people swear for no good reason.
Many of those who swear think it's wrong nonetheless.
Two more asinine statements. Wrong? I never, ever understood using swear words as a moral issue. How is it wrong? Where is the harm? Bringing harm unto others for no good reason is wrong. Killing people who believe things like the above is right.
What the world, or at least this uptight country, really needs more of with this bad language shit is me. I'm not kidding; this country needs my help to lighten the fuck up. I've noticed that at places where I spend a lot of time, I eventually lower the bar for language. Like my job back at school, or my current job. When I started both jobs, the language people used was pretty sterile. But as I got more comfortable with the people, I loosened up, and started talking more like I do here. Others seemed to follow suit, and it is good.
Look, there's a time and place for everything. Like I said, you don't do well for your image if all you do is swear. Shit, look at my image here. But the issue with this 'blog was that I started it in the frame of mind of talking like I'm talking to someone like ETP. In most situations, I'm smart enough to know what's appropriate and what's not. I don't let it fly when go into job interviews or make business phonecalls. But when I'm around people who can handle it or I'm at least comfortable with, shit's on. As I pointed out above, your language can be flexible if you do it properly.
But what about the children?! Man, fuck the children. No, I don't mean like that. Not in this post, at least. The only harm that comes from so-called bad language is because of the stigma we attach to it. Period. And as far as teaching them proper use of language, I'd basically teach them that there's nothing wrong with swearing, but they need to understand that there are gonna be people who will not be comfortable with it (as Carlin basically did with his kids, in case you've already heard this strategy).
As I believe I've said before, the only good thing about swearing being "bad" is that it makes it all the more fun to do it. Maybe we are more desensitized to it (although not really if I'm reading shit like this), but swearing would not have the impact that it does if most everyone was comfortable with it. Hell, this 'blog wouldn't be a goddamn thing if that were the case. So maybe I should just stop my fucking complaining. Yeah, that's pretty bloody likely.
Thursday, March 30, 2006
I continue to find out things about Islam that prohibit any chances of me becoming a fan. I'm glad the couple is fighting it, but that doesn't change that this is really stupid.
When local Islamic leaders got to hear, they said Aftab's words constituted a divorce under an Islamic procedure known as "triple talaq." The couple, married for 11 years with three children, were told they had to split.
Insert displeased sighing noises.
Sohela would also have to spend a night with another man and be divorced by him in turn.
Yeah, there's really nothing more I need to say.
When local Islamic leaders got to hear, they said Aftab's words constituted a divorce under an Islamic procedure known as "triple talaq." The couple, married for 11 years with three children, were told they had to split.
Insert displeased sighing noises.
Sohela would also have to spend a night with another man and be divorced by him in turn.
Yeah, there's really nothing more I need to say.
What could be cooler than being in a situation where David Hasselhoff has to stay the fuck away from you? The only people this would disappoint is the Germans. They build some great cars, but they have some shitty taste in music -- whether they disavowed all knowledge of the Scorpions or not.
Here's a quick roundup of recent webcomics, pretty much just so I can find them easily if need be.
Jeffrey Rowland is crazy -- right. Christ I'm embarassed to have phrased it that way, but his point stands. Larry the Cable guy is an unfunny retard.
The dialogue is not particularly funny in this one, but once I saw Weedmaster P's t-shirt my laughter nearly caused me to choke on the air I was breathing.
Transformers references are often great, especially when they're executed like this.
When he's not being pussified, Red Robot is the hardest motherfucker out there.
Penny Arcade seems to be sucking balls these days. One of the only ones I can remember that I found funny recently was this one, which was entertaining to me for pretty obvious reasons. Next time on IRC I think I'll tell Gabe that he and Tycho need to be funny and not lame.
Jeffrey Rowland is crazy -- right. Christ I'm embarassed to have phrased it that way, but his point stands. Larry the Cable guy is an unfunny retard.
The dialogue is not particularly funny in this one, but once I saw Weedmaster P's t-shirt my laughter nearly caused me to choke on the air I was breathing.
Transformers references are often great, especially when they're executed like this.
When he's not being pussified, Red Robot is the hardest motherfucker out there.
Penny Arcade seems to be sucking balls these days. One of the only ones I can remember that I found funny recently was this one, which was entertaining to me for pretty obvious reasons. Next time on IRC I think I'll tell Gabe that he and Tycho need to be funny and not lame.
Alright, so I guess (some of) the searchers in my traffic log are more imaginative than I thought, because it's pretty easy after all to put together big lists of fucked up shit and other random nonsense.
girls getting fucked by elephants
Christ, I'm not even sure what to say to some of these anymore. Ouch, I guess?
"man dies" from "watching anime"
Considering the quality of many (most?) anime fans, this should be happening a lot more than it probably is.
leave everything a little better than how you found it
I think my favorite searches are the ones that are wholly inappropriate to this site's content.
how to fuck mormon girls
How do you fuck a Mormon girl? You don't. Trust me, it is not worth it. If you recall, I never even came close to fucking that girl, and it was a goddamn nightmare as it was. I can only imagine the bullshit that would have come attached to any kind of relationship, nonetheless sex. Yes, for Mormons, a sample size of one is adequate.
fuck gringos jokes
If you find any good gringo jokes, let me know, because the half of me that's not gringo is all over that. Shit, the side of me that is gringo is all over that, because that's probably the side responsible for hating everyone.
Spam:
South Pole cervix
There's a joke in here, but it's just not coming to me. All I know is that when I hit upon it, it's probably not gonna be pleasant.
is it easier with a man when comes time to you know what
This is currently the most pathetic search hit I've gotten looking for sex advice. "You know what"? You are so repressed that you can't bring yourself to type words like "sex" or "fuck" into a search engine? To say nothing of what you're asking to begin with? Hey, you know what? I don't want you breeding.
java is the most fucking piece of shit language in the whole fucking damn fucking shit fucking fuck fuck fuck world.
Wow. I hear ya, dude -- Java is lame. But I'm not sure if anyone has ever gotten here via a search engine this pissed about anything.
correct way to mastubate
With knives. Seriously, I'm fucking sick of you kids who can't figure out what all of the rest of us have figured out, and I just want you to chop your dicks off and save us all the trouble. If, by chance, you're a hot girl, the correct way is with me helping out. Yes, I know it's complicated down there and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing, but that means we're both on about the same level, so it certainly wouldn't hurt to at least have some company.
how to fuck up the ass
I'd imagine you can fuck up an ass by putting something in it that's too big and doesn't belong in the first place. Like, say, an elephant cock.
women that would like to fuck me
Some of these just write their own jokes.
danica patrick aint got no tits
I'll tell ya what, guys. You take all the Sasha Cohens, the Danica Patricks, and any other reasonably hot small-breasted women and send them my way, ok? I'll know what to do with them. Yeah, if only I could come close to backing up that bluff. But man, fuck guys who are overly concerned about breast size. They all oughta be put on a train to a Happy Camp.
HOW TO GET EVEN WITH SOMEONE
I'll tell you how you get even with someone. Say, for instance, you're in high school, and you have this friend with rich parents and a nice house. Also say that he once gave you they key to his house so you could party while he and his family were out of town, and you made unauthorized copies of said key so you could use the house whenever you wanted, because you and your group of friends are assholes like that. Furthermore, let's say that one time when you were joyriding in the rich kid's Jeep Grand Cherokee Limited, that another set of friends led by a certain individual dropped by the house and made it seem like the rich friend and his family got back early from their vacation, scaring you and the other assholes out of your minds when you get back from abusing his SUV. You're, of course, pissed at this transgression, and especially at the ringleader. What you do to him is you wait a few years, and when the time is right, you fuck his wife and make sure he knows about it. That's how you get even with that motherfucker.
girls getting fucked by elephants
Christ, I'm not even sure what to say to some of these anymore. Ouch, I guess?
"man dies" from "watching anime"
Considering the quality of many (most?) anime fans, this should be happening a lot more than it probably is.
leave everything a little better than how you found it
I think my favorite searches are the ones that are wholly inappropriate to this site's content.
how to fuck mormon girls
How do you fuck a Mormon girl? You don't. Trust me, it is not worth it. If you recall, I never even came close to fucking that girl, and it was a goddamn nightmare as it was. I can only imagine the bullshit that would have come attached to any kind of relationship, nonetheless sex. Yes, for Mormons, a sample size of one is adequate.
fuck gringos jokes
If you find any good gringo jokes, let me know, because the half of me that's not gringo is all over that. Shit, the side of me that is gringo is all over that, because that's probably the side responsible for hating everyone.
Spam:
South Pole cervix
There's a joke in here, but it's just not coming to me. All I know is that when I hit upon it, it's probably not gonna be pleasant.
is it easier with a man when comes time to you know what
This is currently the most pathetic search hit I've gotten looking for sex advice. "You know what"? You are so repressed that you can't bring yourself to type words like "sex" or "fuck" into a search engine? To say nothing of what you're asking to begin with? Hey, you know what? I don't want you breeding.
java is the most fucking piece of shit language in the whole fucking damn fucking shit fucking fuck fuck fuck world.
Wow. I hear ya, dude -- Java is lame. But I'm not sure if anyone has ever gotten here via a search engine this pissed about anything.
correct way to mastubate
With knives. Seriously, I'm fucking sick of you kids who can't figure out what all of the rest of us have figured out, and I just want you to chop your dicks off and save us all the trouble. If, by chance, you're a hot girl, the correct way is with me helping out. Yes, I know it's complicated down there and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing, but that means we're both on about the same level, so it certainly wouldn't hurt to at least have some company.
how to fuck up the ass
I'd imagine you can fuck up an ass by putting something in it that's too big and doesn't belong in the first place. Like, say, an elephant cock.
women that would like to fuck me
Some of these just write their own jokes.
danica patrick aint got no tits
I'll tell ya what, guys. You take all the Sasha Cohens, the Danica Patricks, and any other reasonably hot small-breasted women and send them my way, ok? I'll know what to do with them. Yeah, if only I could come close to backing up that bluff. But man, fuck guys who are overly concerned about breast size. They all oughta be put on a train to a Happy Camp.
HOW TO GET EVEN WITH SOMEONE
I'll tell you how you get even with someone. Say, for instance, you're in high school, and you have this friend with rich parents and a nice house. Also say that he once gave you they key to his house so you could party while he and his family were out of town, and you made unauthorized copies of said key so you could use the house whenever you wanted, because you and your group of friends are assholes like that. Furthermore, let's say that one time when you were joyriding in the rich kid's Jeep Grand Cherokee Limited, that another set of friends led by a certain individual dropped by the house and made it seem like the rich friend and his family got back early from their vacation, scaring you and the other assholes out of your minds when you get back from abusing his SUV. You're, of course, pissed at this transgression, and especially at the ringleader. What you do to him is you wait a few years, and when the time is right, you fuck his wife and make sure he knows about it. That's how you get even with that motherfucker.
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
10 Ways to get a Girl to Suck your Dick
So as it turns out, Buck was right. This is an article worth writing. So I'm blogging it up. Some of this is review. Of course, these tips aren't sure-fire ways to help get head, but if you were expecting any kind of guarantee, you are dumber than Buck.
1) Get rich. Chicks dig dudes with money. Not all chicks. Well, the kinda chicks who would go down on a guy like me. Good point.
2) Stop listening to advice from magazines like Maxim. You know those advice articles you keep reading? You know, the ones where you read shit like "look at your watch, and then if she looks at her watch right afterwards, it means she digs you," and after you finish you say "That makes sense!" I have seen sad sacks like this, and they failed to get head.
3) Don't be me. I don't wanna think how long it's been since I've gotten a blowjob, so clearly being BLM is not conducive to getting sucked.
4) Reciprocate. If you're man enough, or thirsty enough, kick it George W. Bush school and pre-emptively reciprocate. Shock and awe! Shock and awe! I'm sure you will turn out as shocking and awe-inspiring as the beginning of the Iraq war, but if you want your pee-pee in her mouth, then you better be willing to have hers in yours. And for god's sake, don't go Larry David on her, either. Look, I don't expect you to be Mr. Pussy (since it's just gonna freak Charlotte out anyway), but let's see some enthusiasm down there. If you need to, just pretend you're at Red Lobster.
5) Don't get hung up on spitting vs. swallowing. Part of me thinks, well, if it's already in your mouth, why not swallow? But you know, sometimes when you get something in your mouth, you're like, damn, I don't want this in my mouth, and I certainly don't want it staying in my body for any extended period of time. Just be happy you're getting blown; if this concerns you too much, you don't deserve head to begin with.
6) Be polite. I'm not talking about the dinner or diamonds or whatever, but make sure you're ready to warn her when you're about to lose it. And no, Dane, you cannot say it into the seatbelt, the seatbelt isn't sucking your dick. I failed to do this once with my first girlfriend, and I've always wondered if that's part of why she eventually dumped me. It also could have been because she was a fucked up bitch, so it's hard to say. But she was not too pleased being "congested" the next day; that much I know.
7) Don't listen to me. I've already pointed out that being me is bad, but just listening to me is bad. I clearly don't know what the fuck I'm talking about, else the only "mouth" I cum into these days wouldn't be one that flushes.
8) Ask Dr. Ruth. She's awesome. Maybe she can't really help you, but who doesn't like listening to that dirty old Jew?
9) There is no #9. The list just needs to be 10 to please the marketing people, and because I haven't alluded to Carlin in awhile (that I remember).
10) Stop being yourself. No, I mean you need to be someone completely different. Have you taken a look at yourself? Would you blow you? I wouldn't. Neither would anyone else. You need to alter the very fabric of your being, and maybe -- maybe -- you can get some skank to put your dick in her mouth.
Now go ye forth and get ye some head, gentleman. Or don't, because you suck. Just not in a good way, unless if you can get flexible enough to suck your own dick. Technically, this isn't a tenth reason, since the whole point was to get a girl to suck your dick. I guess you could put a wig and some lipstick on and just pretend, plus you're already a huge pussy anyway. I heartily endorse this for many of you, because there's a chance you will end up snapping your spine, and we didn't need you to begin with.
1) Get rich. Chicks dig dudes with money. Not all chicks. Well, the kinda chicks who would go down on a guy like me. Good point.
2) Stop listening to advice from magazines like Maxim. You know those advice articles you keep reading? You know, the ones where you read shit like "look at your watch, and then if she looks at her watch right afterwards, it means she digs you," and after you finish you say "That makes sense!" I have seen sad sacks like this, and they failed to get head.
3) Don't be me. I don't wanna think how long it's been since I've gotten a blowjob, so clearly being BLM is not conducive to getting sucked.
4) Reciprocate. If you're man enough, or thirsty enough, kick it George W. Bush school and pre-emptively reciprocate. Shock and awe! Shock and awe! I'm sure you will turn out as shocking and awe-inspiring as the beginning of the Iraq war, but if you want your pee-pee in her mouth, then you better be willing to have hers in yours. And for god's sake, don't go Larry David on her, either. Look, I don't expect you to be Mr. Pussy (since it's just gonna freak Charlotte out anyway), but let's see some enthusiasm down there. If you need to, just pretend you're at Red Lobster.
5) Don't get hung up on spitting vs. swallowing. Part of me thinks, well, if it's already in your mouth, why not swallow? But you know, sometimes when you get something in your mouth, you're like, damn, I don't want this in my mouth, and I certainly don't want it staying in my body for any extended period of time. Just be happy you're getting blown; if this concerns you too much, you don't deserve head to begin with.
6) Be polite. I'm not talking about the dinner or diamonds or whatever, but make sure you're ready to warn her when you're about to lose it. And no, Dane, you cannot say it into the seatbelt, the seatbelt isn't sucking your dick. I failed to do this once with my first girlfriend, and I've always wondered if that's part of why she eventually dumped me. It also could have been because she was a fucked up bitch, so it's hard to say. But she was not too pleased being "congested" the next day; that much I know.
7) Don't listen to me. I've already pointed out that being me is bad, but just listening to me is bad. I clearly don't know what the fuck I'm talking about, else the only "mouth" I cum into these days wouldn't be one that flushes.
8) Ask Dr. Ruth. She's awesome. Maybe she can't really help you, but who doesn't like listening to that dirty old Jew?
9) There is no #9. The list just needs to be 10 to please the marketing people, and because I haven't alluded to Carlin in awhile (that I remember).
10) Stop being yourself. No, I mean you need to be someone completely different. Have you taken a look at yourself? Would you blow you? I wouldn't. Neither would anyone else. You need to alter the very fabric of your being, and maybe -- maybe -- you can get some skank to put your dick in her mouth.
Now go ye forth and get ye some head, gentleman. Or don't, because you suck. Just not in a good way, unless if you can get flexible enough to suck your own dick. Technically, this isn't a tenth reason, since the whole point was to get a girl to suck your dick. I guess you could put a wig and some lipstick on and just pretend, plus you're already a huge pussy anyway. I heartily endorse this for many of you, because there's a chance you will end up snapping your spine, and we didn't need you to begin with.
Sunday, March 26, 2006
At least I didn't get any shitty Slipknot lyrics in my e-mail
Then there are the people who show up here and blatantly do not get it. Instead, they get special mention and and humiliated publicly. And the award for worst costume this year goes to ... Stan, for his stupid little clown-thing costume. Let's all point at Stan and laugh, children.
Several weeks back, I had a precipitous drop in my traffic numbers. It was around the time I made my call for Ann Coulter to be raped and when I was ripping on Islam over the cartoon nonsense. It also could have been around the time when J-List de-linked me. There could be some interrelation there, or it could be none of that.
Just in case it was the making fun of Islam thing, I'm gonna point out again that Islam is ridiculous. Well, apparently, at least if you follow the letter of the law laid down by the Koran (since I do not know the Koran at all -- big shocker that I'm forming an opinion from a standpoint of ignorance -- I dunno for sure if this is pretty much what is says or if it's open to interpretation). I've gotta believe (or at least, I want to believe) that beliefs like this aren't mainstream with Muslims, but then again, there were shitloads of people protesting cartoons. And either way, some Muslim leaders are calling for death, and that doesn't bode well for being able to take a religion seriously. Because, you know, I take so many of them seriously.
Of course, this would not be getting much if any run here in America if it wasn't for the fact that the guy converted to Xtianism. Had he converted to anything else, except maybe Judaism and if Israel got wind of it and got pissed (meaning we have to get pissed too), we wouldn't hear shit and people like Bush wouldn't give a damn.
Just in case it was the making fun of Islam thing, I'm gonna point out again that Islam is ridiculous. Well, apparently, at least if you follow the letter of the law laid down by the Koran (since I do not know the Koran at all -- big shocker that I'm forming an opinion from a standpoint of ignorance -- I dunno for sure if this is pretty much what is says or if it's open to interpretation). I've gotta believe (or at least, I want to believe) that beliefs like this aren't mainstream with Muslims, but then again, there were shitloads of people protesting cartoons. And either way, some Muslim leaders are calling for death, and that doesn't bode well for being able to take a religion seriously. Because, you know, I take so many of them seriously.
Of course, this would not be getting much if any run here in America if it wasn't for the fact that the guy converted to Xtianism. Had he converted to anything else, except maybe Judaism and if Israel got wind of it and got pissed (meaning we have to get pissed too), we wouldn't hear shit and people like Bush wouldn't give a damn.
Okay, so I was looking through the OC messageboards after Jeffrey shut them down, and I came upon one of the best screen names ever:
HotRodBeefSquad
That's one of the best things since this one guy named Tom who was on a mailing list I was on several years back, and his e-mail address was tommunism@something.com. I think I'm going to have to rip off HotRodBeefSquad for one of my next posting names. That is, as soon as I can bring myself to give up the current one. You don't need to know why it's funny, you just need to know that it's funny. Some of this shit is just for me.
HotRodBeefSquad
That's one of the best things since this one guy named Tom who was on a mailing list I was on several years back, and his e-mail address was tommunism@something.com. I think I'm going to have to rip off HotRodBeefSquad for one of my next posting names. That is, as soon as I can bring myself to give up the current one. You don't need to know why it's funny, you just need to know that it's funny. Some of this shit is just for me.
Saturday, March 25, 2006
Okay, so on suggestion, I'm compiling some of the more recent search engine hits into one big post. The flow feels a little odd since I'm not used to building posts over a week's time like this, but it does have kind of a nice lightning-round style to it. I'll give this a shot for awhile and see how it works. I'll also await feedback from Natalia since she A) made the initial suggestion and B) is about the only one who comments consistently as of late. All that aside, though, this truly is another sampling that shows what a wasteland the internet, and by extension humanity, has become.
worn panties for mom
What, is this what you're planning to get her for next Xmas or something? You are a bad son or daughter. Or your mom is weird.
when a man don't love you anymore
You're assuming he loved you to begin with. And, considering your poor grammar, I can't blame him in either case.
YOU FUCK ME GOOD
Apparently, the new-and-improved MSN search really is new-and-improved.
is imitation crab and pregnancy
Is imitation crab and pregnancy... Is it what?! God fucking damn it, I am tired of this one. Long-timers can think back and remember me getting hits along these lines. Well, lately they're stepping it up, and I still don't know what the bloody connection is they're looking for.
"Rob Testes"
The sheer fact that someone went searching for this is fucking awesome.
fuck me necessary
Fucked into relevance -- nice.
should i leave my man ?
Considering that you're asking MSN this question, I hope your man is the one who leaves you. What is with all these sad sacks asking search engines for relationship advice?
girl fucks a swiffer
Swiffer Wet or Swiffer Dry? I mean beforehand, not after the fact.
do geniuses already know everything
How appropriate that this search was made by someone who, quite clearly, epitomizes the exact opposite of genius.
10 ways to get a girl to suck your dick
Not only does the search being made piss me off, but this is another one of those where the pickiness of their query makes me want to punch them in the face. Why does it have to be ten, you greedy fuck? Shouldn't a few of them be good enough for most situations? This is assuming, of course, that there were some kind of textbook ways to get head to begin with. This is the kind of guy shit I'm sick of, the kind of nonsense that gave rise to and has been reinforced by rubbish like Maxim. By the quality of your search, I can tell that there are only a couple of ways you might be able to get a girl to blow you:
Mum teaches her son proper sex
Because nothing says "proper" like incest between parent and child. I could really deal without my spam folder being an episode of Law and Order: Sport Utility Vehicle, thanks. I get enough of that in the chatrooms.
worn panties for mom
What, is this what you're planning to get her for next Xmas or something? You are a bad son or daughter. Or your mom is weird.
when a man don't love you anymore
You're assuming he loved you to begin with. And, considering your poor grammar, I can't blame him in either case.
YOU FUCK ME GOOD
Apparently, the new-and-improved MSN search really is new-and-improved.
is imitation crab and pregnancy
Is imitation crab and pregnancy... Is it what?! God fucking damn it, I am tired of this one. Long-timers can think back and remember me getting hits along these lines. Well, lately they're stepping it up, and I still don't know what the bloody connection is they're looking for.
"Rob Testes"
The sheer fact that someone went searching for this is fucking awesome.
fuck me necessary
Fucked into relevance -- nice.
should i leave my man ?
Considering that you're asking MSN this question, I hope your man is the one who leaves you. What is with all these sad sacks asking search engines for relationship advice?
girl fucks a swiffer
Swiffer Wet or Swiffer Dry? I mean beforehand, not after the fact.
do geniuses already know everything
How appropriate that this search was made by someone who, quite clearly, epitomizes the exact opposite of genius.
10 ways to get a girl to suck your dick
Not only does the search being made piss me off, but this is another one of those where the pickiness of their query makes me want to punch them in the face. Why does it have to be ten, you greedy fuck? Shouldn't a few of them be good enough for most situations? This is assuming, of course, that there were some kind of textbook ways to get head to begin with. This is the kind of guy shit I'm sick of, the kind of nonsense that gave rise to and has been reinforced by rubbish like Maxim. By the quality of your search, I can tell that there are only a couple of ways you might be able to get a girl to blow you:
- Get rich (probably not likely in your case)
- Save your allowance for a hooker
Mum teaches her son proper sex
Because nothing says "proper" like incest between parent and child. I could really deal without my spam folder being an episode of Law and Order: Sport Utility Vehicle, thanks. I get enough of that in the chatrooms.
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Jay Mohr is right. Granted, he is several years behind the curve in bitching about non-competitive sports for kids, but he says pretty much everything I have to say on the subject. All I would add is that if your kid can't handle losing, either euthanize him or keep him at home and inside for the rest of his life.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
I think jokes about the World Wars might be the funniest thing going, as The Onion has shown once again:
Franz Ferdinand Frontman Shot By Gavrilo Princip Bassist
GLASGOW, SCOTLAND--Lead singer and guitarist for pop band Franz Ferdinand, Alexander Kapranos, is in critical condition today after being shot by a man identified as the bassist for rock group Gavrilo Princip. "We ask fans to cooperate with Interpol to find the assailant, and call upon British Sea Power, Snow Patrol, and The Postal Service for help," drummer Paul Thompson told music magazine NME Monday. "The suspect had links to The Decemberists and The Libertines, and we are following up on all leads." It is unclear whether the shooting was linked to The Polyphonic Spree's invasion of Belgium earlier this week.
Anytime you make a reference to British Sea Power, which may be the best band name ever, you are already doing something right.
In this week's issue, they also helped reiterate that sex offender jokes are also hilarious. I think they oughta start selling "Area Pedophile" t-shirts to add to their "Area" t-shirt collection, but somehow I'm guessing that won't be a top-seller.
Franz Ferdinand Frontman Shot By Gavrilo Princip Bassist
GLASGOW, SCOTLAND--Lead singer and guitarist for pop band Franz Ferdinand, Alexander Kapranos, is in critical condition today after being shot by a man identified as the bassist for rock group Gavrilo Princip. "We ask fans to cooperate with Interpol to find the assailant, and call upon British Sea Power, Snow Patrol, and The Postal Service for help," drummer Paul Thompson told music magazine NME Monday. "The suspect had links to The Decemberists and The Libertines, and we are following up on all leads." It is unclear whether the shooting was linked to The Polyphonic Spree's invasion of Belgium earlier this week.
Anytime you make a reference to British Sea Power, which may be the best band name ever, you are already doing something right.
In this week's issue, they also helped reiterate that sex offender jokes are also hilarious. I think they oughta start selling "Area Pedophile" t-shirts to add to their "Area" t-shirt collection, but somehow I'm guessing that won't be a top-seller.
Sunday, March 19, 2006
Saturday, March 18, 2006
This is fucking insane. Anti-psychotics for ADD (I guess CNN didn't get the memo that we've dropped an 'H' in there, now)? That doesn't sound so good. I'm no expert in pharmacology or psychiatry (clearly, even though it's bullshit anyway), but from what I understand, anti-psychotics are pretty hardcore medications. The side-effects can be awful, even if they are effective in treating what they're intended for. Shit like schizophrenia. But ADD? In kids? Yeah, that sounds like a good idea. Assholes. Suddenly the "fuck it, let's just pump them full of Ritalyn and get them out of our hair" school of thought doesn't seem so bad. I don't even want to know what kind of Christina Aguilera monsters kids would see on these meds.
This is a few days old, but apparently Isaac Hayes isn't as cool as I thought he was. Yes, I know it's lame to dismiss someone so easily, but c'mon -- it's fucking Scientology. This does not detract from his work on Shaft or South Park, but I can definitely make fun of his potato chip commercials with a clear conscience now.
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