A couple of random MSN/Hotmail tidbits that you could care less about.

There's a link on the hotmail signon page to "Today's Feature" which is "Find out if you're still dateable." I didn't click the link, because I can answer that question right now. No.

Then I go to check my spam, and there's a message with the subject "[Authentic Happiness Coaching] Using Authentic Happiness Skills." How far we've fallen if we need coaching on this shit. The good news is that the happiness coaching is "authentic," none of that bootleg shit made in Hong Kong.

Being "dateable," "happiness"... Is somebody trying to tell me something?

Hot on the heels of the Dubya flight suit doll, you can now get your very own talking George Dubya Dumbass doll.

Quote from their site:

"Why did you select George W. Bush first?
We selected George W. Bush because he is the current president."

Wow, that's a ringing endorsement of our "leader" if I've ever heard one.

I hope they make a Clinton doll who says "I did not have sexual relations with that woman..." and challenges the meaning of the word "is."

Boy, if you can't trust a pair of girls you met online who will blow you at a train station, who can you trust?

Found a good joke on Wil Wheaton's 'blog today:

The leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a Bud, the CEO of Miller gets a Miller, the head of Coors orders a Coors, and so on. Until it's Arthur Guinness's turn. He orders a soda.

"Why didn't you order a Guinness?" everyone asks.

Guinness replies, "If you guys aren't having beer, then neither will I."

So I've killed the entire day fighting off a head cold, being pissed about my job situation, listening to the Final Fantasy VIII OST, downloading and reading Keroro Gunso manga, posting on random shit, and perusing that Asian women 'blog. Apparently, the guy that runs that site enjoys dirty talk during sex. No idea why he's so interested in telling others about his sex life, but this is one of his favorite lines to use during sex:

"I'm gonna fuck you so hard, you're gonna forget what your name is."

Anyone else out there got any good dirty talk?

While we're on the subject of fucked up things found on other people's 'blogs, I was reminded of something I saw posted over at The Ides several weeks ago. If you follow this next link, you're probably going to regret it. It's nothing illegal, just really, really fucked up. If you're easily offended or grossed out, or, hell, even if it takes a decent amount to offend you or or gross you out, beware. Do not be viewing this at work or with anyone else around, lest they think you're into this. It is most definitely an "adult" link. Without further ado, here it is.

I suspect we may have just lost some readership.

Leave it to the Japanese to one-up the Germans when it comes to perversion. Don't ask what it was that reminded me of this link, either. And while we're on the subject, where exactly did you find this, Danny? Or do I even wanna know?

You may remember my September 1st rant about college athletics. Well, I now have a couple of extra reasons to be pissed off.

You've gotta be fucking shitting me. Getting a scholarship because you're pretty? Yeah, that's sexist, and I don't care, because it's true. Cheerleading is not a sport - it's an activity. A very necessary activity, by the way. Okay, maybe what I'm saying isn't true if the cheerleaders at my alma mater were any indication. In that case, I don't know why the fuck they'd be getting money.

Of course, this is sidestepping the real issue of playing dirty tricks to give more funding to men's programs, if indeed that's what's going on. Again, though, that just fuels the anger already in place over the exorbitant amount of attention paid to male college athletes.

Holy. Fucking. Shit. The Cubs have actually taken the Central.

So some friends and I were talking about going to a Promise Keepers Convention last night. The only appropriate apparel I could think of to wear to one of these conventions was an "I fucked your wife" t-shirt. Apparently, there are sources out there for just that. However, my t-shirt idea had the above slogan on the front, with "... And she loves it" on the back. I doubt I'm going to get ahold of one of those without having one custom made.

I really have no interest in being a homewrecker, but wouldn't it be great to piss off an entire Promise Keepers convention like that?

So here's an interesting, um, appliance. Originally found this at Kimochi ii?, a 'blog devoted to daily pics of Asian women (often nude, you've been warned) and completely unnecessary commentary on said pics.

You know what term I'm tired of? 'Metrosexual.' It's this tag applied to guys in touch with their feminine sides. Guys who spend lots of money on nice clothes and facials, and other such shit.

We don't need a word for guys like this - we already have one. Queer. And I don't mean queer in terms of homosexual, just guys who have a fruity side to them that they're not ashamed of. Oh, and don't go thinking that this is a bad thing - I've got a definite queer streak in me. Anyone who irons his shirts daily and likes decorating shit is definitely a little queer, and I like being that way.

The only time the word 'metrosexual' was useful was when Maureen Dowd suggested that Rumsfeld might be a metrosexual. The reason why that was great was because it's something that would fucking piss Rummy off and make him go and kill people. Hopefully not Maureen, though, because she writes some quality columns. No, he'd probably just send more of other peoples' children off to die in unnecessary wars, so maybe it wasn't such a good thing after all.

Fucking knock it off already, mainstream media. We don't need a title for guys who have higher standards than bathing themselves in dogshit every day. If you're less of a man for caring about your hair, and clothes, and whatnot, then fuck it. Men are stupid anyway.

Why the hell do we even bother letting economists and analysts talk? I mean, seriously, there's so much shit coming out of all their mouths that everything they say ends up completely irrelevant. They think they're soothsayers, when in fact, I'm more and more convinced that they don't know a fucking thing. I'm pretty sure they come up with all this bullshit and all these fake numbers which no one else can figure out since there's no logic or real math involved whatsoever, just to make themselves look smart. "It's X, and it's Y, and Bush will do well if P, W, and Z, but not if P, M, and D, unless of course if it's Tuesday and the moon is high..."

Shut the fuck up, assholes. You are contributing nothing.

I'm not fully sure just how amusing this is (or isn't), but I'm going to have to download this later and try building and playing it. Link lifted from BBspot.

No matter what, it's not going to be anywhere near as cool as our Mortal Kombat 69, due for release whenever we can remember all the shit we want in there, we get un-lazy and make the game, and can sell it without getting sued. Furthermore, these guys totally ripped off our idea of using ourselves as characters in a fighting game.

So as if I don't get bent out of shape about enough stuff without trying, I give myself even more problems by being a Cubs fan. The Cubs show up every 5-10 years, do well, fuck up, then play like shit for several years until the cycle repeats. Right now, they're tied for first with fucking Houston with three games left in the season. There's still an outside chance at a Wild Card spot if they don't win the division. But does it matter? We're probably just being teased again, because the Cubs are too bloody inconsistent. Even if they make the playoffs, they'll probably just get swept like they did in the first round four years ago. Teased again, then it's back into the cellar.

Damn, that sucks.

I've come across a couple of new links courtesy of my referral log.

First we have On topic except when I'm not!, a 'blog with lots of political commentary in the same vein as what you can find here, only much more coherent and without all the filthy language.

Next and finally we have Vanessa's blog, who quoted both John and I in her Sept. 26th post. Naturally, the quotes are us talking about our nerdy, obsessive compulsive habits, but fuck it. I'll take it. Gotta go with the KMFDM principle: "Let's stop saying 'don't quote me,' because if no one quotes you, you probably haven't said a thing worth saying." Sad, however, that this is apparently all I've said that's worth saying, but at least it's something.

As always, thanks goes out to these fine 'blogmasters.

Okay, so I just got a hit thanks to the following Google search:

"penny getting fucked by gadget"

That is just so wrong that I can't even begin to describe it. I... I'm not sure, but I think I'm offended. It's hard to tell because that doesn't happen too often.

Of course, I'm still getting a hit every now and then thanks to some pedophile looking for underage porn or "boyfucker," and like always, that's just great. Nowhere have I talked about kiddy porn (that I can recall) or offered any links to that shit, nor did I use the word "boyfucker" in the context that these people are most likely looking for. Still, I'm drawing them in. I suppose bringing up lolicons and using the word "boyfucker" to describe pedophile priests isn't helping though, is it?

Oh, and then there are some fucked up people out there with weird fantasies about Yuna from Final Fantasy X. I've gotten hits for "final fantasy yuna fuck" and, I kid you not, "yuna gets pregnant." Now, I've got some pretty sick fantasies, so maybe I shouldn't be talking. Nah, fuck that, these people are weird.

You know what I'm fucking sick and tired of? Blatant bullshit lies. For once, I'm not just talking about Bush, either.

I saw two commercials tonight that pissed me off. Commercials in general have been the bane of my existence since afternoon cartoons and Baby Wanna Walk, but that is a discussion for another time.

The first commercial I saw was one that Shell Oil has started running. It's talking about this marine biologist whose job it is to make sure that the marine life near one of Shell's oil rigs in the Gulf of Mexico is protected from the effects of drilling. The part that pisses me off is that Shell is trying to make themselves look all noble for having a marine biologist on staff to protect the environment. As if we don't all know that Shell could give less than a shit about marine life or any other life for that matter, with the exception of the life that ended millions of years ago and gave rise to fossil fuels. Shell is looking out for the environment either because they have to thanks to some sort of regulations, or they're doing it as pure PR. No one is going to mistake Shell, or any other oil company for that matter, for an environmentally friendly company. To imply that they are is a gross fucking lie.

The other commercial I saw was for Revlon and some goo that they're pushing on women. Somewhere in the spot, there was some line about how this particular product allows a woman to show her "natural beauty." In fact, I think "Natural Beauty" was the name of the product. How exactly is some manufactured concoction from Revlon "natural"? Hey, I'm not saying makeup doesn't sometimes look good on a woman, but don't fucking call it what it isn't. If it were "natural," she wouldn't be spreading this strange brown chemical all over her face. There's no un-assholish sounding way to put this, but women use this stuff because it has some sort of enhancing effect (an effect which is often unnecessary, by the way) over what's "natural", whether the effect is real or perceived. Otherwise, they wouldn't bother with it, right?

Hey, why the hell do I have to feel like an asshole for pointing out the truth, anyway?

Why do we put up with this lying shit? Whether it's the government or advertisers or whoever that are bald-face lying to us, we just don't seem to care. Am I making too big of a deal out of this? Is it wrong of me to look for even a little bit of truth in our daily discourse? Why are we such pussies that we can't just take some honesty?

"Shell: Protecting the environment because we have to. But at least we're doing it."

"Revlon: Make yourself look prettier!"

See, that wasn't so bad, now was it?

A couple new strips of Get Your War On have been posted.

God damn it. Harassment is not free speech, you fucking asshole.

I've been kinda curious as to why Congress is actually pushing so hard for this. Is telemarketing just one of those things that people are so vocally pissed about that Congress knew it had to act, or do the telemarketers just not have enough lobbying money out there?

Maybe there's a future in the anime industry for electrical engineers like me after all. Of course, I'm not convinced this guy is doing any engineering nowadays, but it's still kinda cool to see.

Maybe I could pull off something like this. After all, at some point recently, we were talking about forming our own licensing company. Okay, the discussion was pretty much me saying "Hey, you wanna start our own licensing company?" and nothing more, but still. And then there's my RPG idea... Yeah, I'll do it.

Speaking of dictators and manga I can't read, there's this. The big question for me is, at what point in the manga does Kim Jong-Il unfold into a giant robot?

The Onion's What Do You Think? is amusing as always this week.

I've figured out what the deal with "Frog Girl" is. Although I'm probably just going to keep calling her Frog Girl, her name is Hinata Natsumi. She comes from a manga series called Keroro Gunso, which will be called Sgt. Frog when the English version is released in March of next year by Tokyopop.

Sounds like it could be an amusing series. The title character comes from a race of alien frogs here to conquer Earth. His plans are foiled, however, when the Hinata family basically takes him hostage. Once again, we have something based on such a goofy idea that it just might work. Sucks I have to wait until March for the English version, though. Of course, had my learning Japanese not fallen by the wayside I could just get the Japanese version right now. Oh well, one of these days I'll be able to read the native versions of shit.

When I first got Natsumi, I was thinking "You know, there aren't enough schoolgirls with guns out there." Not in real life necessarily, but in entertainment. So I was thinking that would make a great premise for a first-person shooter. Of course, I immediately realized that I fucking despise first-person shooters. Today I was thinking that instead we could create an RPG based on the concept. I can think of three characters immediately - sailor schoolgirl, Catholic schoolgirl, cheerleader. I'm sure we could come up with more. Oh, and if you're thinking that's redundant or just plain uninteresting... Oh well. This is my fantasy world, goddammit.

Seriously, we could kick the shit out of other RPGs. Hey, Final Fantasy X-2, we've got your fan service right here! And we didn't even have to base it off a not atrocious yet still limp-dicked Final Fantasy game, nor do we need any trash whores like Rikku.

Considering the existence of game series like Rival Schools that never make it over here, I'm sure the Japanese have already beat me to this concept. Fuck it, though, I'll be the first with it for us gai-jin.

Yeah, 'ya think? No fucking shit Cheney has ties to Halliburton. Even if he isn't profiting financially, I'm sure he still knows one or two people still with the company who have called in some favors. Seriously, how could Halliburton not take advantage of that situation? "Hmmmm, our former CEO is now VP of the country. We could use that to make a fuckload of money. But no, we had better not, because that would be improper."

What is this bullshit that the President and Vice President are exempt from the enforcement of ethics laws? Are they trying to tell me that Clinton could get impeached for getting his dick sucked and lying about it, but showing favoritism to a company you used to run when handing out government money is unprosecutable?

I have no hard evidence, but I'd be willing to bet that there are plenty of things we could get Bush & Company impeached over if the Congress wasn't Republican, the Democrats weren't pussies, the press weren't wholly ineffective, and the public cared. Enron, Halliburton, WMD - just to name a few - reek of impropriety. Oh, I'm sure the same goes for many other presidents, including Clinton (lying about oral sex, however, was not a legitimate thing to be impeached over), but Bush is in office now, and driving this country down the toilet.

Or how about dealing with corporate crooks in this manner: we go with this plan of private lawsuits so they lose all their stuff, then we slice off their balls and auction them off on eBay to stockholders they deceived and employees whose pensions they raped. Oh, and then we throw them into a real prison to get fucked in the ass by other inmates for a long, long time.

Oh, and fuck what's "beneficial to the markets." If we're so concerned about that, how about we start doing some real things to stop corporate crime before it starts? And when it does start, what say we actually go after the big guys instead of just getting a few token convictions?

Yes, I know that last part is a pipe dream, especially when the big guys are friends with the so-called president. Of course, the Ken Lay/Dubya connection is, if nothing else, just a huge indicator as to how dirty this administration is, and an even bigger indicator as to how broken our system is and how stupid we are for putting up with it.

Another proud day for humanity.

So I'm reading John's rant about his continual quest for newness, and I'm like "Man, John has problems." These are the kind of people who I can get along with: the kind with nerdy, obsessive-compulsive issues.

As we all know, one of my OCD issues is with shopping, which usually takes the form of shopping for toys. You know those figures I went though hell with this past weekend, just so I could get Narue Nanase from Narue no Sekai? Well, I bought even more tonight.

What the fuck's wrong with me, you ask? Well, I have always been very, very particular about my toys. I don't like them exposed to direct sunlight. I don't like them handled by unclean hands. And I don't like them near potential chemical fumes or even strange smells. Don't ask why; this is just how I am.

I am obviously overly paranoid something will happen to my stuff. It's a miracle that I've kept "The Girls" on open display like I have. The only way I've been able to handle this and keep my sanity is to start buying two of anything I really, really like. One can be taken out of the package, the other stays sealed. Yup, on top of the money I'm already spending, I spend even more just for peace of mind, just to know that I have a backup in case any of my figures get fucked up.

I don't have everything backed up; in fact I only have few things backed up (as if that makes it better). I did get a full extra set of the Love Hina figures I adore so much, and my Kaiyodo Rei and Asuka figures have extras because they're fucking cool. Now, these bloody Shounen Ace figures are getting redundant copies. The fucked up thing is, I have backups of most of them just from the buying spree this weekend. However, I only have one Narue and one Thigh-High Girl, which is clearly unacceptable if I'm going to be able to sleep at night.

The really fun thing is that since these figures are all grab-bag anyway, I might not even get extra Narue or Thigh-High Girl figures like I want. For all I know, I might end up with 11 Kurumi figures in the end.

I am going to have so much trouble explaining all of this at the next Materialistic Fucks board meeting.

Seriously, though. You can't tell me that she's not fucking cool.


Or that she isn't sexy.


Or that she isn't so cute it hurts.


Yeah, I know. I have problems.

Oh, hey, so I just realized something. Fuck Everything turns six today... Six months, that is. I guess by the common standard using years, we've turned .5. Oh, and how far we've come... From mindless ranting about Bush and WMD to... Mindless ranting about Bush and WMD.

Here's to another six months of complaining and pointless garbage courtesy of Fuck Everything!

So MM over at |now candy| was kind enough to refer to me as "fine raging man-steak." I figure the front page props deserves some reciprocation, since that's probably the nicest thing a woman who's not a longtime friend has said about me in a long time, ignoring that we've never actually met. I don't quite have the same flattering way with words, however. As such, I'll just say you should check out her 'blog if you haven't already, because as Adam Carolla would say, it's "good times" (except without the childhood molestation).

For anyone interested, here is a transcript of Bush's speech given the General Assembly this week. I thought about ripping this one a new asshole like I did with his speech a few weeks ago, since it's pretty easy with Bush's awful speechwriters. Okay, whether or not a new asshole was formed is debatable, but I certainly tried. In the end, I opted against it since I just don't feel like investing the three hours again. Nothing but the finest for all those out there in Fuck Everything land (which, by the way, sounds like a great idea for a theme park... our catch phrase will be "The Most Miserable Place on Earth," since we are, after all, the Anti-Disneyland).

Geez, what to be said about Bush's trip to the U.N. to ask for help in Iraq without actually asking or even admitting that we need help. I really, really wish we were in a situation where other nations would help out, but I know that we aren't in that situation because other nations have no incentive to help. I don't blame other nations, since we went in against virtually everyone else's wishes and now want them to put in money and manpower to clean up our mess. Other nations have about as much impetus to help us pay for Iraq as a guy whose cheating ex-wife wants him to pay her credit card bills.

If nothing else, what I'm seeing is other countries that might help out, if they had some sort of say in matters. To me, that seems reasonable. Of course, the Bush administration wants it both ways - they want to have everyone else foot the bill, while they remain in 100% control. I can't imagine how that plan would sit poorly with other countries.

Speaking of plans... Say what you want about others like France and Germany, but at least they have a fucking plan.

I haven't bitched about WMD in a long, long time. Okay, about a month, but that's still quite a dropoff from the days of yore. Of course, this lack of complaining is because it looks like there haven't been WMD in Iraq in a long, long time. It feels pointless to complain about it nowadays, because even though it seems pretty well accepted that the threat was way overblown, people aren't going to get pissed enough about it and take action. Yeah, I'm not taking action, but at least I'm pissed. Maybe if some people who weren't lazy got pissed something would be done about it.

Of course, the WMD debate can and will be drug on indefinitely, since it's true that just because WMD haven't been found that they don't exist. But remember when Rummy said something to the effect that because we hadn't found WMD, it was evidence that WMD existed? You know, back when they were taking it as accepted fact that WMD had to be in Iraq, and if we weren't finding them it's just because they were hidden. That was a stunning piece of work by the Defense Secretary, actually using lack of results as results.

One of the principles of our justice system is that the burden of proof lies with the prosecution. Granted, this isn't a criminal trial, and we don't always treat people in other countries with the same respect that we give ourselves, but still. The Bush administration took it upon itself to be prosecuting attorney, and it has not made the case.

Things still are not going well for poor Tony.

I'm not sure how this "personal rating" thing works, but it's interesting that it can be a negative number. Do you think it's like plus/minus in hockey?

Speaking of assaults on my bank account, the next big threat that will lead me to bankruptcy is all the fucking imported Japanese stuff at J-List. Go ahead; click the link. Ruin your life. Last week, I decided to make the mistake of perusing their photobook section. It's bloody huge - four pages filled with tons and tons of shit. About halfway through, I decided to start writing down the names of some of the models in the books that looked good in case for when I came back. It was a moderate sized list; not too big. Well, I decided to head back last night, and write down the actual photo book names and their prices. By the time I was done, I had a list of like a hundred books and DVDs. Fuck.

Thanks to a friendly reminder, I got to hear and watch some of the California recall debate tonight. Best quotes from what I got to see/hear:

"You're one to talk about photo ops, Arnold"
- Bustamante after Arnold complains about politicians only doing things for photo ops

"I need to lower my meds"
- Moderator Stan Statham after getting candidates confused

And so the redistricting bullshit in Texas is all but a done deal.

Wesley Clark has unveiled his team's economic plan.

Also, for anyone interested in the debate, info about tomorrow's debate and upcoming Democratic debates can be found here. Looks like it'll be playing at 2 PM (Mountain Time) on CNBC, and at 7 PM on MSNBC (again, Mountain).

Meanwhile, the Dean Campaign isn't fucking around.

Fuck OPEC. Yeah, I can see how Middle Eastern OPEC members would be pissed at us over our little adventure in Iraq, but the whole group has always been a bunch of cocksuckers (Middle Eastern or otherwise).

Oh, and fuck us twice for being so dependent on a bunch of assholes for oil.

This fucks ass. This shit had better be overturned. Thanks, Oklahoma.

You've gotta be fucking kidding me. Those asshole fucks in Congress for once in their fucking lifetime do something useful for the people they supposedly represent by ordering the FTC to do this, and it manages to get fucked up. Yeah, maybe congress should have been more clear. Apparently, though, the FTC appropriately interpreted Congress' wishes, as evidenced by the fact that Congress isn't up in arms over the FTC's actions.

It's total bullshit if the First Amendment was actually used to justify this ruling. The First Amendment doesn't give people the right to harass other people, does it? I don't know that telemarketing presents any sort of "clear and present danger," but it's clearly unwanted and considered harassment to the people who signed up for the do-not-call list.

In the end, you know who should be shot? The assholes who actually buy products and services from telemarketers. Think about it: companies wouldn't invest money in telemarketing if it wasn't profitable. If people quit buying crap from telemarketers, the profts would dry up, and the shit would stop. The same goes for spam, by the way. Of course, people are morons, and they'll buy anything. But here's a tip: if someone calls you trying to sell you a "three underwear poop tube system," just hang up. You don't need it.

God damn it Paramount, you asshole cocksucking pieces of shit, make up your goddamn minds.

"By formally changing the show's title, we will be able to further capitalize on and form a stronger connection to the famous and highly successful 'Star Trek' franchise." You mean exploit the name of good shows to try and help the sagging ratings of a shitty one. Oh, and by "good shows," I of course am not including Voyager.

I'm disappointed. My threat rating to the Bush Administration is low. Actually, this is just completely wrong - I'm not an atheist, I'm an agnostic. And I am a threat, goddammit. Oh, who the hell am I kidding. The only thing I'm a threat to is my bank account.


Threat rating: extremely low. You may think you can
subvert the government, but if you should try
you will be smited mightily because God likes
us best.

Best line of the evening, courtesy of Marty Crane from Frasier:

"Leave it to the Germans... even their appliances crave power."

You see, this is why liberals are not in control here: they can't even put together a decent conspiracy.

So a couple more links to add to the growing list. Today, we have My Soliloquy, which I linked to a couple of days ago.

Next, and last for the time being, is Life is Woo Woo. If nothing else, check out the "What threat to the Bush administration are you?" link.

Speaking of linkers to Fuck Everything, where the hell is Jay? Nothing better have happened to that guy, because he was fucking funny.

As always, thanks to all those linkers out there, both past, present, and future. Wait, both? That doesn't fucking make sense, goddammit.

So you know what had better fucking be coming out on DVD soon? Upright Citizens Brigade. Why? Because Strangers With Candy, which was total horseshit, is out on DVD now.

Boy, you know you're publishing offensive, inflamatory stuff when your own friends feel the need to cover their ass and add a disclaimer to their site when linking to you.

It's official: I am NOT the biggest asshole in the world. Why not? Because the people running this site jointly win the prize.

Originally found linked at The Ides.

So wait, you're saying that had you had a sister, you would have just had sex with her instead of soliciting it from junior high girls? Dude, that is really not a good defense - just give up and go to jail.

Since I've been out of the loop on pretty much anything non-con related for the past couple of days, time for a little self-aggrandizement and of course the usual thanks to those who are kind enough to link to my festering corner of the world.

A hearty thanks to this 'blogmaster, who declared Fuck Everything a "super" place for "fans of cynical realism". Best quote from her site (I'm pretty sure it's a "her"; lots of guys, like me, were into Care Bears, but no boys I knew of with Strawberry Shortcake sheets) so far: "Since grandma was a known source of mis-information..." Yeah, I hear that. Like when my grandma used to tell me that there was a god and Jesus was his son.

Not fully sure what the fuck is up with this site, but thanks once again.

Finally, this guy was too kind with the compliments, and it's much appreciated.

For anyone curious about the cover of the new Fluke album I still need to get my hands on, a picture can be found here.

Get Your Con On

Holy hell was this a good weekend. Eleven art books, eleven CDs, and twenty-two figures later, it's all over. Since I didn't make it to Vegas this summer, the con was my substitute. Sure, it was no true weekend in Vegas, but unlike trips to Vegas, at least I didn't come back empty handed. Far from it; the prodigal son has tons of cool shit to show for the money dropped at these tables.

Day One: Friday
Fuck, what the hell happened on Friday? This was two days ago, and I can barely remember it. Despite all the money spent, only a handful of dollars were spent on beer, so that's not why I can't remember it.

Oh, yeah.

Things got fired up fairly early. Ended up at the hotel/convention center around 3, and got in line. While in line, I started taking in all the cosplayers, plenty of which would be seen all weekend long. Star Trek conventions had long since made me weary of people who dress up for cons. As such, I had been mentally preparing myself for quite awhile for the anime costume people. It was pretty much what I expected; some cool ones, some not so cool ones, lots of ones that would have been cool had the right person been wearing them, and some people who just should not have been dressing up in that outfit.

Speaking of outfits, I was naturally one of the best-dressed there, at least for us losers in street clothes. For some reason, I am more comfortable in clothes that are usually too dressy for others. Not a suit and tie all the time, but let's just say that I don't own a pair of jeans. Anyway, I'm dressed in my business casual, and everyone else is dressed like a normal person. Great, even amongst the freaks, I'm a freak. Thankfully, a couple of friends showed up, who were also well-dressed. Strength in numbers.

Once registered, priority one was to hit the dealer's room. I actually circled a few times before leaving without buying anything. That empty-handed feeling was not something I would be getting used to. I went and talked with someone, and he asked if I had bought anything yet. I said nope, but he was like "Well, better get stuff before someone else buys it." Fucker.

Shopping was pretty much the name of the game for the rest of the evening. Er, weekend. Although there were no "must haves" (something on the order of Perfect Asuka), there was naturally plenty of shit I wanted to buy. There unfortunately wasn't anything really special or unique - just lots and lots of shit that I had been ogling online but hadn't bought yet.

The only other thing I can remember was the art and model show, which was way less cool than it should have been. There were some cool dusty Lego ships someone had made, and a cool Mahoro resin statue and a decent Lain. Otherwise, it was mostly a bunch of ADV Monthly-worthy fan art. Oh, there was the row of Cowboy Bebop sketches, which were fucking sweet until we realized that they were actual production sketches. The fact that they were done by the real Bebop artists and not just some regular schmuck with talent kinda took all the fun out of it.

The weekend's video viewings were pretty much set at this point, in that we weren't going to actually view any anime in the video rooms at the con. Everything was either a shitty dub, something I had already seen, something in just Japanese, or something I could give less than a shit about seeing.

The only thing I didn't do that I should have was go hit the video game room to play some DOA: Xtreme Barbie Doll Dressup. That might have been fun, but I haven't played in weeks. I would have just gotten pissed that there weren't any cute shoes to buy, anyway.

Friday's shopping started what would become my nightmare for the weekend. One booth was selling these figures of characters from Shounen Ace Magazine. I made the mistake of noticing that one of the characters you could get was Narue, the main character from Narue no Sekai, this irresistibly cute anime series that was airing in Japan a couple of months ago that I (obviously) just loved. I have seen next to nothing related to Narue for sale, so I just fucking had to have her. There were seven figures available in the series, but of fucking course, you didn't know what character was in any particular box. Pretty much just a bullshit grab bag tactic to get shitloads of money out of people. And shitloads they did, but more on that later.

You know what? No copies of Megami anywhere to be found. God damn it. Why the fuck is it that only four gaijin have heard of this magazine, and two of them are willing to pay $100 for a back-issue?

After all that, a stuffed pizza and a beer at Old Chicago, then back home to open and tally up the day's loot.

End Day One

Day Two: Saturday
On Saturday I was actually up and at the con by like 10:30 or so. It's usually amazing enough to have me up at 10:30 on a Saturday, nonetheless to have me dressed and someplace besides home. Regardless, there was shopping to be done and assistance to be lended to those working their asses off.

Naturally, a sizable amount of time was spent in the dealer's room. That just couldn't be avoided. More of the same was purchased, including those bloody Shounen Ace figures. I ended up bringing my tally up to four, I think, but no Narue.

We were tapped to help out with the music video competition, which went fairly well. Pencils and ballots, pencils and ballots. And if you could bring back the pencil afterwards... That'd be great.

Watching the actual videos was fun, even though I'd seen most of them like five times each. I think there was one that I hadn't seen before, but that was OK, because the videos shown were mostly pretty good. Even the X video, despite the fact that I'm not really into wispy guy shows. Naturally, there was the beyond amazing Excel pop-up video. Oh yes, and a mountain of cocaine... Tons of cocaine.

After the AMV showing, more shopping, and a time out for food. Then, back for more shopping before the big event of the evening, the costume/cosplay competition.

"Helping out" started out with con director bitch telling us not to help. Some shit about cooking. Anyway, after awhile, the competition got underway, and it was time to go into action. I guess.

For us non-staff staff members, our main job was escorting cos[tume|play] groups from the staging room to the main events room, which involved traversing the winding corridors of the hotel. Well, "winding" is a little harsh, since it wasn't all that bad.

I have this huge phobia of always doing something to embarrass myself. Usually I'm afraid I'll fuck something really simple up, like walking. Or getting lost following a path that will require all of 4 turns. Don't ask why I'm so afraid of embarrassing myself, but it's one of the things that keeps me from wanting to go out places and meet people.

In addition to just being nervous for no reason for having to do something trivial like escort people around someplace that's not the Inferno, the first group involved me having to push someone in a wheelchair. Again, this is not a complex task, especially for someone over the age of five. I'm just thinking "please don't kill this person," which of course wasn't going to happen. Okay, except maybe on the part of the course that was a decline. I'm not a big guy, and it wasn't totally trivial to keep a human being bigger than me who was on wheels from getting away from me. In the end, no manslaughter charges were brought.

Naturally, I managed to survive the wheelchair and all the human interaction. And like fucking always, it wasn't so awful, and was actually fun. Except this one fucking kid. This kid who was dressed like Zell, called himself "Sparky," and was a moron. Some people found affection for this kid; I didn't. I could just totally tell that all the hyperactivity and acting out was just a plea for attention. You know the type; acting all "zany" in a horribly contrived and forced manner. Makes me want to kick myself in the nuts just so my screaming will drown out whatever the fucker is saying. Okay, not really, I like "the boys" way more than that. They should be kicking me for the lack of action I've shown them, but I'm digressing.

Anyway, this kid's cosplay group was also the biggest pain in the ass out of anyone ever. They're of course nervous about performing, which I can understand, but then there's all this fucking bitching along with it. Yes, I am bitching about others bitching. The pot is calling the kettle black. Anyway, it was one thing after another while we were waiting. "Do you know how uncomfortable these shoes are?" "How much time will we have? Will ours be too long?" "I can't hold this much longer... I have a bad arm" "I need to go to the bathroom." Jesus fucking christ, I was suddently running a daycare. Then, I don't know how many times I had to explain to them that I couldn't fucking take them to main events yet, because the last person hadn't returned yet. Based on how things were being timed, I wasn't to lead them down until the group in front of them was onstage, an event which was signalled to me by that group's runner coming back. That, however, failed to sink in.

I was glad to get rid of that group. Although after being with them for aall that time, I started to feel a special bond with them, like they were my kids. My whining, impatient, weak-limbed, obnoxious, pain in the ass kids.

Once that was over, I discovered the nightmare that was Pocky. Some volunteer kid bought some strawberry Pocky, then decided he didn't want the rest after eating a stick or two. For some reason, once I started eating them, I couldn't stop. The fucked up thing was, I realized they didn't even taste all that good. I just knew that I had to have more.

So, we sat around for awhile, me hopped up on Pocky and bullshitting with the goofy kid who discarded said Pocky. I don't know why, but sometimes when goofy people are around, I can just feed off that and start rambling off a whole bunch of odd shit, and last night was no exception. I'm sure being high on that bloody Pocky wasn't helping matters.

After some more standing and sitting around, and another full box of that goddamn strawberry Pocky, there was the "Bride of Fetish" panel, which was initially steered in the right direction with a suggestion to discuss "youthful" girls in anime. Since most of the audience people active in the discussion were morons, that broke down fairly quickly. There were some amusing comments made, but I just wanted to hear more talk about schoolgirls.

Speaking of schoolgirls, I was hoping all weekend to see a really cute girl in one of those sailor outfits. It didn't happen. There were some OK, and some not so OK, but no "wow...." moments. Damn. So much for the "finding a hottie at the convention" goal for the week. The other goals were to "go carte blanche on buying shit" and "get a job." No sailor schoolgirl hottie, but shit was bought, and maybe I'll get to manage that pro team after all. Two out of three ain't bad, but we'll see.

Speaking of women, as promised, there were some there. More than some, there was a decent mix. However, most of them were pretty much what you'd expect at an anime con, since "attractive women don't need escapism," according to someone who (believe it or not) isn't me. There were a few running aound who were decently attractive, but again, no "must have" Perfect Asukas.

One great result of shopping on Saturday was that we proved that time really is money. What's the exchange rate? Well, if operating at peak efficiency, about $13.33 a minute.

Imaginary TV show theme lyric of the day? "Single Female Lawyer... Having lots of sex."

No pizza and beer after this night, mainly because we ended up getting out of there well after midnight. Fortunately, we were in a college town, and there was an IHOP nearby.

End Day Two

Day Three: Sunday
I woke up after like four and a half hours of sleep, and wasn't feeling super. At first I thought maybe it was because I didn't get much sleep, then I thought I had a shopping hangover. Then I remembered all the Pocky from the night before.

Day three was pretty much already set as a "tying up loose ends day." It ended up being a "blow a bunch of fucking money to get Narue" day.

I bought four more of those fucking things at first, and still no Narue. God fucking damn it. I was ready to give up, but I'm sure you can guess how long that lasted. I realized that I was suddenly collecting baseball cards again. More specifically, I was going in and out of Willie's Dugout at the Pueblo Mall, buying one pack of Upper Deck 1989 at a time for like $5 a piece in the hopes that I would score the elusive and expensive Ken Griffey Junior rookie card. Well, I got Griffey's rookie from those efforts, and I got Narue from today's. After buying thirteen of the fucking things. I also got the thigh-high girl, so that made me happy. Wait, except for the fact that I should have fucking had her before that, instead of four Kurumis. Look, Kurumi is adorable, but I don't need four of her. Time for eBay.

I realized that this truly was a Vegas substitute, because I was essentially gambling with these damn figures. However, each $8 purchase at least got me a worthless piece of plastic, which is more than I can say for most Vegas outings. Oh, and the figures are all good quality and really cute, so they're not worthless. Especially the frog girl.

It was like I was at Cheetah's, because I was fucking out of control. However, once I had my $8/$104 holy grail (depending on how you want to look at it), I was finally satisfied. About the only things I held off on not getting were a Love Hina art book and some Hitler manga. Umm, I think that Hitler thing might need some explanation. At one of the booths, I came across these books entitled Adolf. Apparently, it's the telling of WWII through the eyes of three guys named Adolf, one of whom (is "whom" the right word to use there?) is Hitler. When I saw this, I was like "Wow, this is just so fucked up that I might have to get it." Well, apparently it wasn't quite fucked up enough, but I think I'll get ahold of at least one book someday to check it out.

End Day Three

So yeah, good con. Spent some money, had lots of fun. I'm sure I look like a fucking braggart talking about the money I spent, but I'm really not trying to be an asshole. For once. No, the whole point of this post is mostly just for the amusement of anyone who was there with me, because most likely no one else will give a shit. Apparently, my shopping vice is amusing to others, as I had spectators on wave 7. That's how sick I am; I am a professional.

Yup, had lots of fun, even with all the stuff I complained about, since, well, few things are as much fun as those that eventually give me something to bitch about. And yes, there were plenty of things that I didn't end up complaining about that were fun in their own right. Didn't really meet any new and interesting people, and as you know, failed to land myself a girlfriend despite my non-efforts (and, well, non-selection... because, yeah, that's been the problem all these years). The only people I talked to were either morons or people I knew already. But that's OK, because it was like the best fucking weekend in awhile (which will tell you how my weekends tend to go).

Here's to hoping I wasn't too much of a pain in the ass to the people doing real work there at the con, as opposed to my simple tasks which of course I drama queen to epic proportions. I kept getting asked if I'd be back next year to work as "real" staff, but it's more like is anyone going to want the cranky misanthrope around to be utilized in interfacing with people? Okay, I'm actually decent when it comes down to interacting with others. I don't treat people like shit to their face automatically, and usually don't at all unless they've done something that really warrants it. Otherwise, I just talk about them behind their back, like a real man.

Domestic terrorism? Why do I have a bad feeling that this is going to become a commonplace term for any marginally organized and premeditated crime, and it's going to fucking piss me off?