Several weeks back ETP and I got into a discussion of Super Mario Brothers 2. We're cool like that. Anyway, anyone who's moderately hard-core knows that SMB2 started out in Japan being called Doki Doki Panic. Now, I know that "doki doki" is used as kind of a written sound effect (if that makes sense) to describe a beating heart, especially when a character is excited in some way. Now, as to what the fuck that has to do with Mario Brothers, I had no clue. As it turns out, it has nothing to do with Mario at all. Interesting to note that The Lost Levels, which was part of Super Mario All Stars for the SNES, still wasn't SMB2 as it was released in Japan. Arrogant fuckers.

Well, this is fucking weak, but not unexpected. Still, Ignorant Man Walking™ Bill Fucking Frist was on board with this one. But still, no, Bush is living in some bullshit world of black-and-white morality, except for the whole "black" part of it. Ahem.

"It crosses a moral boundary that our decent society needs to respect, so I vetoed it," he said on Wednesday.

"Moral" and "decent" pretty much have no place with reference to our society or this decision. Decent? Yeah, alright. And where is the morality in fucking with something that could help improve millions of lives? Again, we're not sacrificing live babies for this shit, just goddamn embryos.

Mr Bush announced his decision at the White House in the company of 18 families whose children were born after using embryos "unwanted" by other couples seeking fertility treatment.

Oooooh, such a shrewd move, Bush! You sure showed me! And how about those embryos that will never, ever do anything but take up freezer space? I know we just went over the whole "potential for life" thing with the birth control debate, but that does not make this shit any less stupid or simplistic. They are doing something immoral while hiding behind the curtain of morality. Note to James Dobson: that's hypocrisy.

And even if (IF!) we are killing something that could potentially be alive, so what? What ever happened to the notion of making sacrifices for the greater good? Bush might understand this concept had he ever been in the military or served his country in some fashion. Hell, he just needed to listen to Spock when he said that oftentimes the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one. If you want to throw any of that Star Trek III shit in my face, spare me.

Then there's the fact that it's really stupid (slash hypocritical) for this man to be so obsessed with saving something that merely could be a human life while being totally cool with throwing away actual human life by sending it off to die in an unnecessary war. Of course, Carlin put it best, as he so often does: "These Republicans are looking for live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers."

One encourages stem cell research using cells from sources other than embryos, and the other bill bans the growing and aborting of foetuses for research.

Oh, that's great. I'm glad to see that something useful was accomplished today. A side issue to all this shit:

In waiting until the fifth year of his presidency to veto any legislation, Mr Bush became the first president to complete four years in office without a veto since John Quincy Adams in the 1820s.

This is also fucking sick, and shows what a bad bloody state we're in. This shows that over the past five years, there has, effectively, been no debate and no dissent between two out of three branches of government, with the third really not far behind. The "checks and balances system" has effectively just been reduced to checks. Yeah, that sounds pretty healthy. And, of course, this is no startling revelation -- anyone paying attention to anything (which is, maybe, a couple dozen people) already know this, but having it really laid out in a little fact like that just helps to drive home how much this blows.

Random tidbit: we all know I keep getting search hits about imitation crab and pregnancy, but I never knew what the fuck the relation was until a few days ago when I was enlightened via the guestbook:

Oh, one last thing: I don't know if you ever found out, but the whole imitation crab sticks/pregnancy thing is because some imitation crab sticks contain shark, which (like lots of predatory fish) has high levels of mercury.

Big ups to Kyle for posting something in the guestbook that was not a bunch of rambling crap (as opposed to most other entries) in addition to being educational.

Amusing searches have been far and few between again as of late. For as long as it's taken to put together a new list you'd think it'd be a decent one, but no, this is a pretty piss-poor crop of stuff that's already piss-poor by nature. Sadly, we go to 'blog with the material we have, not the material we want.

if you a guy and you wont to wear a tampon is that alright

Uhhhhh, depending on where you are planning to "wear" that tampon, and what your motivations for doing so are, you may want to visit a doctor before or after this little adventure.

ways to try to get yourself the hiccups

When I first saw this, I was like, that's easy -- just do what my stepdad always advised: hold your breath and count to a thousand. Then I re-read it -- this person doesn't want to get rid of the hiccups, they want to get them. What the fuck? How annoying and infuriating are the hiccups? Why would you want to bring them on purposely? Hey chief, why don't you look into how you can give yourself cancer while you're at it. The thing that irritates me the most about the hiccups is that if they go on for not too long, I start getting used to the sensation. Then when they finally go away, I sit there for at least a half a minute in anticipation of the next one, and I find myself a little pissed off that it isn't coming just because I'm expecting it.

picture of gas nozzle in the butt

Talk about taking it up the ass from the oil companies. Now we know the real reason gas prices are so high.

Fuck my little pussy with your big dick

Wow, you must have a really little pussy if you're saying that to me.

Spam:

If getting a brand watch was your dream from the childhood

Okay, this is sad on so many levels. If having a nice watch was a childhood dream, you had a pathetic childhood and I'm guessing you're a sad-sack in adulthood. Furthermore, if you had that dream as a child and you're fulfilling it with a shitty knock-off in a spam e-mail, well, yeah. Sad sack.

"liberal bias" "weather channel"

You've got to be fucking kidding me. I don't know what's more pathetic -- someone trying to find bias in the Weather Channel, or the notion of left-leaning weather forecasts in the first place. The latter makes me think of AM760 in the Denver area, which is our local liberal, ERRRRR, progressive radio station. I can't stand to listen to it often, but when I do I hear the traffic report, segments which they refer to as "progressive traffic." And every time I hear that I think to myself, do we really need left-wing traffic reports?

how to fuck a husband

Divorce him and take half. EDDDDDDIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

how do i put my penis in my girlfriends vagina

I really wish I was making a lot of these up, but no, there are people out there making queries like this. Anyone this dumb shouldn't be putting their penis anywhere that might lead to breeding; I'd suggest putting it in a blender or the garbage disposal instead. And since I'm sure you need full instructions, flip the goddamn "on" switch after inserting.

schoolgirls take over world

Aside from myself taking over, there has never, ever been a world domination idea that I've been more on board with. Sure, it will turn out more vapid and stupid than I want to admit, but at least it'll look hot.

ken fucks barbie

How?

Alright everybody, you're going to have to sit down for this next one. Considering you're reading a 'blog and most likely at your computer that shouldn't be much of a problem. Now, we've all seen a lot of dumbass, frivolous, unfounded lawsuits over the years. People suing McDonald's for spilling coffee on themselves. People suing food companies because they made themselves fat. People suing tobacco companies after they knew full well smoking is bad for you. People suing Fear Factor because they got sick while watching the show. But all of that pales in comparison to -- wait for it -- this.

Heckard apparently is suing Jordan for defamation and permanent injury, emotional pain and suffering.

For filing this lawsuit, Michael Jordan should be allowed to show up at this guy's house and beat the shit out of him, thus causing permanent injury, emotional pain and suffering.

He is suing Knight for defamation and permanent injury for promoting Jordan and making him one of the world's most famous athletes.

What were they supposed to do? Promote Jordan so he's only marginally famous, and then stop?

But Heckard bears a physical resemblance to Jordan because he has a shaved head, an earring in his left ear, and is in good physical shape -- from playing basketball.

So let your hair grow, don't wear an earring, let yourself get fat, and find another sport, prick.

Wouldn't most people consider that a compliment?

"Yes, don't get me wrong it's definitely a positive thing, because Michael, like I say is one of the best ball players that I've known to play the game."

So you're suing. Over something that you admit is a positive thing. Right.

"So I want to be recognized as me just like Michael's being recognized as Michael."

Explain to me again how this is a problem for Jordan, Nike, and the courts to solve.

The television station apparently caught Heckard wearing blue Air Jordan tennis shoes.

What. An. Asshole.

What made Heckard decide to file suit against Jordan and Knight for $416 million each?

"Well, you figure with my age and you multiply that times seven and then I turn around and I figure that's what it all boils down to."

Nice, genius.

Gee, I wish I could be a creepy pedo in public and get away with it. "Uh, BLM, you are and you do." I dunno, I just talk about it on a 'blog; I don't think that counts. I certainly don't do things like this in front of others. OR in private, so settle down.

Mr Putin came across Nikita, five, in the Kremlin last week, lifted up his T-shirt and suddenly kissed him.

I mean, Jesus, could anything be weirder? Well, sure something could, in theory, but this shit is as real as ER (ER is real, for those of you not in on this fact). And it's not like this was Michael Jackson, who we'd expect something like that from; no, it's the leader of Mother goddamn Russia.

"He seemed very independent and serious... I wanted to cuddle him like a kitten and it came out in this gesture. He seemed so nice," he said.

You're not really helping your case there, dude. And sure, maybe you get this urge, but that doesn't mean you fucking follow through with it.

"There is nothing behind it"

No, but I'm guessing if you really had your druthers, there sure would be.

Is there some kind of Russian cultural thing I might be missing? Or is this as messed up as it seems?

Because no one else is making this joke

Or, you can be neither.

This rest of this post is pretty stale, too, but I'm in the mood for a bunch of smart-ass comments on a load of utter crap.

"The president that chases the opinion poll is the president that will have failed policy."

Like usual, simpleton, it doesn't have to be an either/or proposition.

"Because we're right on winning this war on terror, and we've got a good economic record."

Just because you say something, doesn't mean it's true. Hey, I'm getting so much pussy that every time I turn around I find myself saying "These hos have gotta get up offa me. Damn, despite saying that, I'm still sitting here alone.

When it comes to the most controversial single decision of his presidency -- invading Iraq -- the president told King he would make the same choice again, even knowing that Saddam Hussein's regime did not have weapons of mass destruction.

Any way you try and slice that, that is still one of the dumbest things ever said.

"We removed a tyrant," Bush said.

Yeah, I guess. But I'll use this as an opportunity to reference this cartoon, which if, for no other reason, is funny to me thanks to the caricature that doesn't really even look like Saddam.

"He was an enemy of the United States..."

Yeah, one who had our boot so far up his ass that he couldn't really do anything.

"... who harbored terrorists..."

Uh, he gave a couple of checks to the families of suicide bombers. Or at least, that's what you used to keep harping on.

"... and who had the capacity, at the very minimum, to make weapons of mass destruction."

Just insert disgruntled sighing noises here.

"And he was a true threat."

Survey says..... BZZZZZZZZZZTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!

Bush also told King that if North Korea's missiles had presented a threat to the United States, "We had a plan in place to respond."

"We've got a missile defense system that will defend our country," he said without elaborating.

What, you mean the missile shield that usually fails during tests? You know, the tests where we know ahead of time there's an incoming target?

"Quite the contrary. I feel it is an honor to be in this position," he said. "I wake up enthused about working on this year's problems because I've got confidence we can solve them."

Wow, that's pretty optimistic since we've solved, I dunno, about zero problems in this country in recent memory. To say nothing of the new ones we've created.

He said he fears another September 11-style terrorist attack. "I think we're safer, but I'm worried about an enemy that wants to hit us again."

Saying he worries is about as close as I've seen Bush get to thinking and speaking realistically, and using the qualifier of "I think" tells you pretty much everything you need to know.

The president says he retains a good relationship with Russian President Vladimir Putin...

I'll get back to Vlady here in a minute.

The president said the federal government is "better prepared today than we were last year" to deal with another hurricane disaster.

How could we possibly be LESS fucking prepared?! Yeah, I know, we could be, and that's really scary.

We've got a better relationship with the [National] Guard so that the Guard can move more immediately.

How? Have you stopped sending them off to die in Iraq? One weekend a month!

Bush predicted that al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden will be captured eventually.

Alright, I'm done. On a scale of one to ten, the bullshit just hit, I dunno, a million.

In celebration of July 4th, here's an article that showcases so many of the things wrong with America -- religion, politics, money, influence, etc. A nice reminder of how far we've strayed from the ideals that this country was founded upon, even if the Founding Fathers were a bunch of hypocrites (real hypocrites, not James Dobson hypocrites).

"This incident raises the disquieting possibility that the MPAA considers exposure to Christian themes more dangerous for children than exposure to gratuitous sex and violence," Blunt said in a letter to MPAA Chairman and Chief Executive Officer Dan Glickman.

Yes Roy, that's an excellent point, because so many movies with gratuitous sex and violence are getting G ratings.

"Mr. Blunt does continue to have questions about the process by which 'Facing the Giants' was rated and what that says about ratings creep in general," spokeswoman Burson Taylor said Friday.

We can argue about what a bunch of bullshit the MPAA ratings system can be, but it's sad that the only reason they're getting all up in arms over this is because of Jesus. I am so tired of the poor little repressed Christians getting all boo-hooey when they just think someone is doing something to go against their superstitions.

Alright, so after all that, let's lighten things up a bit around here. Britney Spears finally decided to take it off, although not really. I'm going to clarify that these pics are from Harper's Bazaar just in case that brings me some traffic (because there won't be a million fucking sites ahead of mine that will have them). She should really get back to us when she's more naked and less pregnant. I will admit that the pregnancy does give it a certain dirtiness that I'm not totally averse to, however. I do dig the darker hair, though. As an aside, why can't more of you girls go darker instead of lighter, if you insist on fucking with things?

Anyway, since you may already be going one-handed over there, I'll save you the trouble of searching and point you to a site with pictures from the, er, spread.

Unfortunately it will still be several years before we can (legally) get this close with her sister, Jamie-Lynn, who is currently 15. I will again save you some precious stroke time by pointing you to this site (you know you want to, and the rest of us know you want to), which appears to have a significant number of pics of Jamie-Lynn. I don't know how much of it is quality as of yet; however, and I don't think it's unfair to ask you to do a little bit of work towards your masturbatory pursuits.

Here was another thing that really pissed me off. Now, granted, this is just one dipshit complaining, but he's obviously not alone.

"Since then, approximately 500,000 American babies have been killed with RU-486"

Alright, I don't want to get into the abortion thing since we know where I stand, and we know where these people stand. Yes, I still support it, even though I'm quote-unquote Republican now, just like I'm still down with gay marriage. But the obviously inflammatory rhetoric of babies that have been killed is just, well, inflammatory rhetoric. As David Cross once put it, if they were actually killing babies, I'd be like, no way, that's bullshit. But they're, as Bill Maher has put it, a pile of goo. Like I said, this is my opinion, and their opinion is that it's a baby at the moment of conception, and neither side is gonna budge on this.

What really pissed me off was the re-hashing of this debate about birth control. Not only do these fucks think that a fertilized egg is equivalent to a living, breathing child, but the mere possibility of a child is something that needs to be protected. And that's just stupid. But okay, we're used to these people coming up with dumb notions on things, so let's try and set that aside since we won't come to any new conclusions there, either.

Beyond the issue of abortion, some critics oppose the Buffett and Gates foundations' support for global family-planning and population control programs.

This isn't just stupid, it's fucking sick. Imagine the suffering that so many children are born into in many parts of the world. Furthermore, imagine the extra suffering and hardship that comes not only to those children but the people around them that comes from all those extra children running around. The narrowminded view that being forced to endure a life of suffering is better than never having been born at all is just fucked up. Does Sally Struthers need a job that bad?

Naturally, we don't really see them doing a whole lot to help change the situation in poor parts of the world. Oh, sure, they'll send some people with bibles to build a bridge or something and push Christianity, but they can't be bothered to do too much because they're busy shitting themselves over stuff like gay marriage.

In the end, these people, of course, don't care about the suffering of others. No, they have a simplistic, rigid world view, and by god they're going to stick with it. All that matters is upholding what they've already decided is right. Let's not let compassion or rational thought get in the way; no, that's something Christ might do.

Not like this isn't the norm, but I've read some ignorant shit over the past couple of days. First there was this. Not like I have high hopes going in when it comes to a piece written by the founder of Focus on the Family (Action? Family Action? Yeah, sounds like some great -- and very, very dirty -- family values there). Now, we can sit down and have an argument on whether or not the media is biased when it comes to gay marriage. Just like we can argue that they're biased against racism or murder or something. But that's not what really pissed me off about this little opinion piece.

Again this year, the amendment failed to pass by a wide margin, falling 18 votes shy of a required two-thirds majority. The final tally was 49 in favor, 48 opposed.

Well, that should tell you something right there. The constitution isn't supposed to be amended on a whim, and especially not for something like this.

Rarely has there been a greater disconnect between members of the Senate and the American people who put them in power.

First off, the notion of "the people" putting them in power is bullshit. Second, they have no contractual obligation to go along with what people want -- or what some people think that the people want. And even still, if they really are going against the will of the people (well, some of them -- half of the Senate voting for this shit is still very sick and significant), that again tells you something important.

Not one state has chosen by popular vote to permit marriages between homosexuals. Support for the family has been affirmed in every instance.

Now we're getting to the crux of what really pisses me off about this. I am sick and tired of living in this age of the false argument. "Marriage between homosexuals" and "support for the family" are not two mutually exclusive concepts. Just because you have one does not mean you can't have the other. I know, I know -- that's how it is in these peoples' minds. But that is a simplistic way of viewing things at best, and retarded at worst. It's like when Bush tells us that we're "fighting them over there, so that we don't have to fight them over here." There's nothing to stop them from bringing the fight over here to us while we're still mired down over there. Simplistic.

Indeed, on the day before 48 senators bailed on marriage, a 20th state voted on its own constitutional amendment. It was Alabama, which supported traditional marriage by 81 percent to 19 percent! A search of the database Nexis revealed that not one reference to this dramatic vote in Alabama was published in the print versions of The New York Times or Washington Post. There was virtually no mention of the story in other national newspapers. Yet, each of them devoted considerable coverage to the Senate's defeat of the Marriage Protection Amendment.

Alabama voted for traditional marriage and against gay marriage. How exactly is this news? Does anyone expect a state in the ignorant South to go any other way?

As for the senators who voted against the amendment... They claimed that the issue should be handled at the state level. What hypocrisy!

Uh, yeah, exactly -- what hypocrisy? I mean, where is the hypocrisy in saying it's a state issue?

Arrogant activist judges, most of them appointed by President Bill Clinton or President Jimmy Carter, will simply overturn the will of the electorate.

When I first saw this article, I was just waiting until the phrase "activist judges" would get busted out. Christ, you people have no imagination. And what about the judges appointed by Reagan, or either of the Bushes? Apparently there are none.

Oh, and what's wrong with activism? Yes, I know, shouldn't legislate from the bench, blah blah blah. But give me a fucking break. Enforcing equality isn't so much "arrogant activism" as it is "upholding the principles upon which we pretend this country was founded."

For example, a federal judge in Washington state is considering a challenge to the federal Defense of Marriage Act.

The Defense of Marriage Act, which was signed into law by Clinton. Don't see him getting any credit for that from these conservative fucks, though (not that Clinton deserves credit on this one).

The senators who voted against marriage this month...

Again, false argument. Stop with this either/or bullshit! I don't think a single one of those Senators seeks to end the institution of marriage. Again, I know, people think that allowing gays to marry -- or even not explicitly stopping them -- threatens hetero unions. But it doesn't, and no one has shown any solid evidence that it will. They don't like something, so they make something else up that's total bullshit in support of it. Simplistic.

It took William Wilberforce more than 30 years to bring about an end to Britain's slave trade in the 1800s.

Wow. To compare the fight against the slave trade to the fight against gay marriage. Hmmmm, let's see, ending slavery increases the freedom of a group of people, making sure gay marriage doesn't happen limits the freedom of a group of people. Seems a bit conflicting, doesn't it, Jimmy? Maybe even a tad... Hypocritical?

If the battle to protect marriage takes even five more years, liberal judges and activists will have destroyed this 5,000-year-old institution...

No...

... which was designed by the Creator, Himself.

... probably not...

Even now, they are close to achieving that coveted objective.

... and no. With this bullshit going on, how exactly are we close? Again, it's embarrassing that we're going through this. Gay marriage does not equal the death of marriage and the family. Prove that it does, assface. And "just because we said so" isn't good enough. What fighting gay marriage equals, though, is homophobia, AKA gay-bashing. It's trying to restrict a group of people for no other reason besides what they are. Plain and simple, and just like has been done with women and blacks, if you need some shining examples from our stellar history. Try and dress it up in whatever nonsense argument you can come up with, but the bottom line is that you don't like gays and for that reason alone you don't want them to marry. It's not about marriage, or tradition, or those god damned children, it's about your hatred of gays, you ignorant piece of shit.

Over the years, one of the biggest fucking wastes of time that I've seen is the never ending desire to ban flag burning. This drive is a total fucking disgrace when you consider the time and energy wasted on something that is completely fucking pointless. Someone somewhere burns the flag. Unless if it causes something else to catch fire, who gets hurt? Not a single fucking person. It's a goddamn symbol, you stupid fucks. Burning the symbol is not the same as burning the thing that's being symbolized. Oh, and free speech and all, but who really cares for that these days.

From the Senate floor Monday, Specter compared flag desecration to libel and child pornography, forms of expression he said have no "social value."

Give me a break, Arlen. Child porn? Can you really say that burning the flag is as harmful and insidious as child porn? When it comes down to a choice between burning the flag and exploiting children, you have to stop and think about it?

"The First Amendment never needs defending when it comes to popular speech," Leahy said. "It's when it comes to unpopular speech that it needs defending."

It's so embarrassing that someone has to stand up and say this when it should be taken for granted, but that's where we're at.

"Those are symbols, and I leave them to the symbol-minded."
- Carlin

Hey, what some people call "a reason to divert the flight to land at JFK" the rest of us call "in-flight entertainment." Maybe they just weren't good-looking. In that case, yeah, land the fuckin' plane and get rid of them.

And one time, I fucked a 68-year-old guy in the ass in front of his kids

Originally, I thought I was going to get off a naughty post that didn't involve some kind of child abuse, but then I had to go and remember some shit from about a decade ago on an Adam Sandler CD. Anyway...

Ten-year hard-on. That needs to be a band name.

The Dura-II is designed to allow impotent men to position the penis upward for sex, then lower it.

I just picture some sort of lever or hand crank that makes it go up. It's funny if I can put "68-year-old cock" out of my mind, and even still that can't ruin the humor value of this contraption. The only thing that could make that more hilarious is if it made that sound from The Six Million Dollar Man when you raised it.

Statch

After apparently having been given the green light for an underage common-law wife, I guess you can't win 'em all. Fucking conservative Canadian government. Yeah, yeah, I suppose it's a good idea.

Canada: No sex please until we're 16

That has gotta be the dumbest headline ever. Some of those girls want it. What?

The federation, formerly Planned Parenthood, has said there is no evidence that raising the age of consent will improve protection for young people...

Considering the last two posts and a good deal of my body of work (and I use the term "work" loosely), I am not coming from a standpoint of credibility, but they may have a point there.

... and warned it may discourage young people from seeking out birth control options or other assistance.

But that might be pushing it. Planned Parenthood, ERRRRR, the Canadian Federation for Sexual Health: Pro-abortion, pro-sex with 14-year-olds. That's a prime directive I can get on board with.

And just since it's relevant, here's a link to ageofconsent.com. Aside from that time I told guys to be vigilant about checking for ball cancer, this is as close as I get to a public service announcement.

If you can't find a good man/woman, raise one

Nice.

So I still suck at political commentary, but we'll always have Google.

white flaky stuff on girlfriends vagina

I like how this searcher had to specify that it was their girlfriend's vagina -- otherwise Google was sure to return some shit medical advice.

how to fuck indian style

If it involves sitting Indian style, this sounds uncomfortable. Hey, you know, I don't think you're ever told to sit "Indian style" once you're past, like, the first grade. Do they call it sitting "Native American style" nowadays?

huey lewis has a big cock?

Duhhh...

Fuck my husband while i watch

Yeah, more like, fuck my husband while I go out shopping. This sounds like a good deal to me; you don't have to fuck your stupid husband, and he's occupied while you're out spending money. Seriously, I am really goddamn tired to these idiot searchers who are quite clearly the husband who is doing too much wishful thinking. I'm sure some wives would like this, but not yours, asshole.

killing yourself or fucking guy's butt is not the answer

I'd like to know what the question was that led to these being the two main things to consider.

Blondes Brunettes RedHeads who's REALLY smarter

Well, I can tell you who's not smarter...

how to fuck a girl with a big dick

Well, if she's got a big dick, she might be the one doing the fucking, so settle down.

god fucks children porn

God, in porn, fucking children. Yup.

dont fuck with me clothing

Alright, so the Lucky Charms guy doesn't want you fucking with his clothing.

germane schoolgirls

This seems reduntant, as schoolgirls are always germane in my book. Of course, that's just me, and I've got a lot of problems. But at least I can fucking spell.

wil my wife like if i pissing if she cum

I can only guess as to what exactly it is that you're getting at, but I don't need to guess at her likely answer.

show me how to mastubate my pussy

Finally, someone coming here with issues that I'd be more than happy to help out with. As long as she's cute; no fat chicks.

This next one has to be the winner of some kind of award around here:

how many sleeping pills to take to kill yourself

Wow. The most disturbing thing about this is that this 'blog may have been the last thing this person ever read. Fuck everything: your companion on your way out.

Well, that's pretty solid. I guess.

So let's take stock. We've been fighting The War Against Terror (TWAT) for nearly five years now. We've taken out two of the big bad guys (even though one wouldn't have been prominent to begin with if not for us and the other really had nothing to do with terrorism) and a bunch of al Qaeda number twos (except for the real #2, al-Zawahiri). That sure makes up for all the shit we haven't done along with all the other trouble we've caused and lives we've ended. Man, we destroy terrorism so hard.

Nope, they're not getting credit for shit.

Either I've really gone Republican and/or something is seriously fucked when I see this and my first thought is, Ann Coulter might have a point. Might; I don't know the specifics of this situation, so she could be spewing her usual shit. But I have complained before about people who turn personal tragedy into disgusting attempts at grabbing money and/or attention. In this particular instance, that doesn't so much seem to be the case.

The women, who are still pushing for changes in how the government guards against future attacks...

Sounds like a laudable goal, but again, I don't know the details of this group. If they're actually like Daniel Pearl's wife, though, fuck 'em.

The other reason why this disturbs me is not only because I might be able to get behind side with Ann Coulter, but also because her opponent in this debate is named Clinton. Of course, it's Hillary, and although I really wanted to be able to (god damn it this is the one phrase that keeps immediately coming to mind) get behind Hillary in '08, I just can't. Now, granted, Hillary is still pretty fucking smart. But she's still not Bill. She doesn't have that charisma and personality. And with Bill, he was able to sell his platform of being moderate. Hillary, on the other hand, has been labeled as left-wing, and she thinks that just by mimicking some conservative shit, that it will all balance out and people will think "center!"

The senator spoke after delivering a speech on protecting children from exposure to sex- and violence-saturated media.

Like that, for instance. Maybe she can find a way to get people to buy in, but I don't know. People are dumb, after all. And there are over two years to go and she'll have a sizable amount of cash if she really does decide to run.

Her efforts are so transparent, though, that it's sad. The people who hate her are still gonna hate her, and the people who love her are still gonna love her. Of course, this is the woman who had her husband cheat on her and embarrass her on a national stage and she ended up gaining quite a bit of sympathy and power from it, so who knows what she's capable of. But I just don't see her getting many righties to roll over for her. At this point, the best option I can come up with is still Giuliani in '08.

Alright, this is about the most appalling thing I've seen in awhile. You need to see the commercial to be fully disturbed by this product.

I originally saw it referenced in the latest Diesel Sweeties strip, but I didn't know what the hell it was at the time. That comic only made full sense after I read this OC strip, which is also where I ripped off the above links.

Here is Amazon's page for it. Apparently it's inspired some to-be-expected reviews there that have been pulled. Some of those can be seen archived here. As I write this, there are only a couple of user comments on Amazon's page -- one of which is someone saying "I think I saw this on the Bangbus." You know you are an awful person when a product you create for kids is getting this kind of response.

Nice -- if I ever get myself in trouble, I am so using this precedent. Look, I'm not saying I agree with that decision -- you molest children, you deserve what you get, regardless -- but I sure as hell would play that card if I needed to. If it were a lesser crime I could get behind this since, yeah, a little guy is going to have a much higher chance of getting raped and killed in prison, and in many cases that'd be cruel and unusual punishment, but not so much in this one.

"If shortness is an excuse and protection from going to prison, short people ought to rob banks and do everything else they would wind up going to prison for."

Woo hoo, yeah! Carte blanche for all us short people! No, you fucking retard. Although this may worry some people, especially in my case, most of us are not dumb enough to think that something like this gives us a free pass to do whatever the hell we want. And if we do, well, we deserve prison just for being stupid.

The Onion AV Club this week had an article on 11 Of Video Gaming's Strangest Moments. Some of them weren't really moments so much as watershed instances of strangeness, and this one in particular just killed me:

4. Smoke And Mirrors (1995, unreleased)

The moment: The worst driving game ever

This unreleased, woulda-been cult classic Smoke And Mirrors brought magicians Penn & Teller to the Sega CD and 3DO. Along with cameos by Lou Reed and Debbie Harry, and an "Impossible" mode that was literally impossible to win, S&M featured an excruciatingly realistic mini-game titled Desert Bus. As Penn Jillette recently recalled, "You were driving a bus from Tucson to Las Vegas. You had a limiter on the bus, it couldn't go more than 45 mph, it pulled a little bit to the right, so you had to keep your finger on the controller, and the trip took eight full hours. And you saw nothing." You got one point for finishing the trip. The highest known score is 12.

"And you saw nothing." That, after the absurdity of the rest of it, had me laughing for like five minutes straight. And to think about Penn describing it just makes it that much more amusing. I'm guessing the fact that the game's title can be abbreviated "S&M" is no coincidence, and I'd be willing to bet the game was developed on a series of dares.

I made a fucked up computer game, for my art

Hey, so has anyone heard of or played Super Columbine Massacre RPG!? Yes, someone made a game about Columbine. You knew it would happen at some point or other. It's not what you would call a professional game, but it still looks like some effort went into making it, both from the research side and the game-making side.

I find myself wondering as to whether or not this game was created simply out of a sense of humor with a level of sickness that parallels my own, or if it was made with some genuinely laudable intentions. Or both. I'd try it out myself, but it's a Windows executable and I haven't bothered getting W2K running on my box since I upgraded it several months ago, and I'm not in the mood to fuck around with that or Wine at the moment. Basically, I'm posting this to see if anyone else has fucked around with it, and also to either get ETP to download and play with it or so that we'll think to download it sometime when we're at their place.

I think the fact that there's an exclamation point in the name of the game is pretty telling. Then there's the "artist's statement" on the game's website. First off, anyone who makes a point to call themselves an "artist" is probably an artist, alright -- a shitty one. Plus, he drones on with all this superficial, self-serving social commentary, that his statement could just be a quick attempt to cover his ass. I still figure he has several motivations, but I'll have to wait to play it myself before I can really decide. Until then, let me know if you try it out, or have tried it out. I expect it to be fucked up, but I'm curious as to the extent of that and if it has any merit or not.

And speaking of Iran, it's pretty pathetic that the country we're working so hard to demonize is the one who comes across sounding reasonable. Sure, they could just be bullshitting, but at least they're talking a good game, and they're making us look like assholes. Which we are. As usual.

Iran, he said, "needs a government that is going to recognize that part of being a great country is to be in line with your international obligations."

It's just astounding, the shit that will come out of Bush's mouth.

I think everything was really put into perspective when Ahmadinejad sent that letter to Bush a few weeks back. The letter can best be summed up with "Oooooohhhhhhhhh BURRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNNN!" Because as little as you want to admit it, Ahmadinejad makes a lot of good points (along with many not-so-good points), especially when he plays the Jesus card on Bush. It's both funny and amusing to see a guy like Ahmadinejad ripping on Bush and being right about a lot of what he has to say. If you haven't read that letter before now (as I hadn't; it's linked off that BBC article), I'd recommend giving it a read.

And, of course, our response to that letter was perfectly wrong. Look, I'm not naive enough to assume that Ahmadinejad was being completely genuine, if at all. Still, an Iranian leader sending a letter to the sitting American president is unprecedented in recent decades, so we could have at least tried to make something positive come out of that. But what did we do instead? What we always do: posture.

Since I'm sending out personal messages to foreign governments today, a note to Israel's leaders: fuck you. We probably have no clue as to how close Iran really is to having nucular nuclear weapons, but this effort to fan the flames could not be more transparent. Again, fuck you, you scumbags. In fact, I'm going to coin a new term to describe these assholes: Jewbags. Call me anti-Semitic if you want, but I'm not ripping on Jews in general (those cheap bastards), I'm ripping on their leaders.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not thrilled by the prospect of Iran having nuclear weapons. But that doesn't justify our behavior, where we're barely trying to cover up the fact that we're simply looking for a fight as opposed to progress. But that's what's so special about the Middle East; everyone involved with the various conflicts over there is a prick. The U.S., Israel, the Palestinians, the Iranians, whoever, they're all shitheads. Everyone is wrong. Some more wrong than others (depending on what side you fall on), but everyone clearly sucks.

I've had it up to here with Venezuela. I think we should just attack them and obliterate their country just to shut them up. "There, you happy now, Hugo? You were right." Dude, no one is coming after you. You don't like us, we don't like you, but we're too busy fucking up other shit at the moment to bother with you. I think Hugo is just bent that we're paying more attention to Iran and Ahmadinejad at the moment. Nothing more pathetic than a jealous world leader asshole.

Venezuelan congressman Ismael Garcia, a supporter of Mr Chavez, said the computer game was preparation work for a real invasion.

"I think the US government knows how to prepare campaigns of psychological terror so they can make things happen later," he said.

Yeah, no. Out governemt is a dooshebag, but if they're going to fuck with someone, a mass-market video game is not going to figure heavily into their plans. Note to Venezuela: quit stirring up the specter of a future attack just to drum up popular support. Hmmmmm, we're have we seen that tactic before, anyway?

Oh, and Mercenaries 2: World In Flames might be one of the coolest game titles ever.