So this Chemical Ali thing is bugging me. I'll fully admit that maybe I was negligent when they retracted their belief that they had killed him back in April. Still, I can't help but think that our ever-so-responsible media just didn't bother to make it a newsworthy item.

This got me to thinking that maybe I need to start my own news service. How long do you think that would last? Probably about six seconds. I think it might go a little something like this:

‹steps off airplane and Reagan Fucking National›

Ahhhh, D.C.! So good to be here! Let's head on over to the White House.

‹later, at the White House›

Hey, Mr. "President", why are you such a fucking retard?

‹BANNED FOR LIFE›

Fuck. Used that one too early. And man, was that place ever white. Let's head over to the Pentagon.

‹later, at the Pentagon›

Hi, Mr. Rumsfeld. How does it feel to be one of the biggest assholes in the world, yet still his Deputy Secretary's bitch?

‹BANNED FOR LIFE›

Oh-for-two. Let's hit Capitol Hill.

‹later at, you guessed it, the U.S. Capitol building>

Hey, you congress fuckers! How about a real September 11th Inquiry?!?!

‹BANNED FOR LIFE›

So much for that. Shit, and I really like visiting the Capitol, too. Oh well. Last stop, the State Department.

‹at the State Department›

COLIN POWELL, WHY HAST THOU FORSAKEN US?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Some sobbing heard from inside, then ‹BANNED FOR LIFE›

This would conclude my short yet eventful career in journalism. After all that, maybe I could find someone at the Watergate who was working there back in the 70's to tell me some stories, but that would be about it.